Usual disclaimer--Rurouni Kenshin is the creation of Nobuhiro Watsuki, with the manga and anime rights belonging to Jump Comics and Sony Entertainment, respectively. FF is non-profit, meant for entertainment only and can be archived anywhere, just let me know where. Please send no flames, I'm sensitive. But for all other comments you may contact me through this website or my own.
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CHAPTER EIGHT: Drowning Screams
It was cold and dark and ever so bleak when he awoke. It was odd; it didn't come with a start. Only a bit of a neck ache he realized, as he slowly rose off the floor. Wondering at what point during the night he had fallen asleep and in the kitchen no less, he thought, rubbing a hand to the back of his neck as he worked at a small kink that seemed reluctant to go away. As he turned, ready to take that first step away, the cold wet part of his hakama skimmed against his leg, freezing him a moment as he tried to recall the previous night's events but for all his endeavor, he could only remember a fuzzy image of what had taken place. Undoubtedly, coming home—he knew, he remembered something of a scent, Yahiko cleaning up the yard as well Kaoru no where near his line of sight.
But as he took a look around, a deep seeded worry, blooming in his heart now; he remembered Uramura coming here late last night—waiting patiently to have a word alone with him before trying to explain things to an upset Kaoru. Only she had walked away . . . And the image of that, takes time, he realizes as does the reason for their discord, as it gradually fades to the forefront of his thoughts, sinking into memory like something said years ago—Kenshin blinks. Feeling the edges of last night's anger, well out of his blood but his thoughts, are something like confusion, he can't shake off—not when he had watched her walk away from him and thought; she must have not cared.
And it takes only a moment now to realize the absurdity of that thought, which is in such disaccord with how he feels and knows Kaoru to be, that he can't fathom, how he ever came to think such a thing. Especially since Kaoru was by far the most unselfish being he'd ever had the grace to meet. How he could think any less . . .
He didn't understand—he could remember almost everything about last night except actually going to bed. And that, he would admit, bothered him more than just a little because through out everything, he had thought the one thing he could always at least count on, was remembering when he'd gone to bed . . . It was the waking up in different parts of town that had worried him there a while but . . .
He sighed, suddenly too exhausted by his thoughts. Disturbed maybe even a little by the lack of coherent attention he seemed to have in regards to a misplaced recollection, as all but a sliver of last night's events ended with Kaoru walking away.
It wasn't until then though, that it finally occurred to him, that Kaoru had indeed gone to bed upset and as he walked away, maneuvering through the halls with his trademark-rurouni guilt shadowing his every step—he could only think of how he'd left her all alone, allowing her to cry over him when he knew he didn't deserve such tears. He was honest enough with himself to admit he didn't deserve anything but her contempt. His behavior these last few months was deplorable. But he just couldn't seem to act another way. He had to keep her at a distance and the only way he had been able to manage such a feat was by keeping himself detached. Finding any and all excuses to keep himself coolly removed from the circle of her . . . warmth.
He was afraid. And yet afraid, didn't beginning to describe the emotion he felt fill him at the mere thought of her in pain; not as he slid the shoji open and not as he closed it behind him, entering her room with soundless steps until he felt near enough to kneel besides her. Choking on emotions he could only see as guilt and regret—at the very sight of tears, already dried her ever youthful face—he slowly swallowed against his will.
"Sessha," he whispered, "Has failed you so much already—" he did not know what else to do, he knew no other way to be, not with his life so full of anger and regret and a guilt now so twisted by a demon like hate.
"Sessha is all but useless to you Kaoru-dono." So why she would even want him to remain with her was well beyond him. But—"At this point, it really doesn't matter anymore, does it? You don't want sessha to wonder off again, no matter how much better off you might be; you want sessha here . . ." he trailed off, sighing so deep, he felt her breath inside his lungs.
"Even when someone as lowly as sessha can turn his back on you," he murmured. "You refuse to do the same. Because you think—" You want . . . "You want trust; in a way sessha cannot deceive himself enough to give, not ever." He warned both apologetically and with great regret. Watching Kaoru murmur in her slumber before drawing stray locks away, mouth set soft, as he traced a ghostlike caress against a tear stained face.
Perceptions ever twisted as he drew himself away, casting a soft glance at his Kaoru-dono before bidding her sweet dreams as he set off to cook her breakfast yet again, he promised, if just for today, for a couple of hours at least through out the day he would do everything he could to make it up to her.
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When Kaoru walked into the kitchen a few hours later, relatively calm and seemingly past harboring any real visible anger, everything she loved to eat for breakfast had been carefully laid about. A setting for two people had been placed on the table with piping hot tea steaming off a cup as Kenshin walked in from the opposite side.
"Good morning," he greeted, flashing a rurouni grin as she took her usual seat.
"Good morning," she greeted back, smiling largely as he took a seat beside hers. "Are you . . . feeling better?" She asked, deflecting her previous musings to an altogether different question.
"Aa," he answered back, voice smooth and gentle, if a little deeper than normal.
"Are you . . . I mean . . . What's this about?" She asked, flushing just a bit as he looked up from serving her a little rice.
"It isn't about anything Kaoru-dono. It's breakfast." He replied, smiling slightly as she nodded and began to eat.
"You look better," she announced, holding a bit of rice between her chopsticks as he regarded her. "I'm glad you listened to me about the medicine . . . You're fever might've not gone down without it, you know?"
"Aa," he replied, glancing away as her smile began to warm. It wasn't exactly lying, he thought. If he could remember where the medicine was he would take some later tonight, anything to keep her from worrying or even worse, crying herself to sleep again.
"Where's Yahiko?"
"At the Akabeko, he's promised to help Tae-dono for the next few days, that he has."
"Hmm," she replied, chewing thoughtfully on a carrot as he tilted his head. "We weren't really going to be doing anything important this week but I wished he'd have asked first." She told him, frowning just a little before shaking it off.
"He did. Sessha did not think you would mind Kaoru-dono."
"I don't," she quickly replied. "Your word is just as good as mine. It's just . . ." She shook her head. "He was going to show me something today but . . . it's not important." She said. Smiling brightly as confusion crossed his face. "It's ok," she soothed. "It's nothing to worry about."
"Alright," he conceded, wondering if he should believe her before inwardly shaking his head. "We're going to need some things for dinner later so—"
"I'll go with you," she interrupted. "I need a new ribbon and kimono for the upcoming winter, so this works out." She added flashing him a shy little smile before continuing the rest of her meal—making Kenshin wonder at the same time if anything out of the ordinary had indeed happened the previous night
He hoped it hadn't of course and he wanted to ask her but if he told her; then she'd know, he thought, feeling something like a slight dizziness momentarily tilt him forward as he gripped a corner of the bowl, forcibly slowing down his breath until it returned back to normal . . . And if he could admit it, feel the nagging little sense of something wrong, that things might actually be more complicated than they seemed. Or wanted them, he thought, exhaling a slow silent breath before continuing to pretend to eat in peace; taking only a couple of more bites before slowly rising, clearing off plates and bowls around him as Kaoru set her cup down slowly.
"Kenshin . . . Are you alright?"
"Aa," he answered, feeling the rurouni mask stretched tight against his features. "Sessha's just wondering what to make for dinner that he is." He lied, watching the unease melt from her eyes as he smiled again. "Will you get Yahiko's coat Kaoru-dono, he forgot to take it with him this morning that he did." He asked, gathering the rest of the things set out as she stepped away with a reassuring nod.
There was something wrong, he thought, that was quite apparent but as to what or why that was, he had no clue. He had but a sense of it, like the thrumming of his blood or echoes in his mind. It felt, almost, like emotion rolling of its own accord—like something he couldn't control. And it was strange he knew but he couldn't seem to shake it off. Though he did know, if he wasn't careful enough, Kaoru would soon begin to pick up on it.
And for the time being at least it would simply be better if he kept her distracted. Especially since he had yet to tell he wouldn't be home for dinner. The chief would be grateful obviously but Kaoru, he thought would not be very happy at all.
"Kenshin?"
"Oro," he replied, forcing the word out of his mouth as he dropped in the last of the dishes, making sure to splash himself just a bit before he turned around. Dark purples eyes looking perfectly startled.
"Gomen," she apologized, twisting the ends of Yahiko's coat as she tried to force back a rueful smile.
"It's all right." He soothed, turning around with a half smile on his face. "Sessha will do the dishes when we get back." He promised, drying his hands on a nearby towel before rolling down his sleeves. "We should head on out while it's early enough." He prompted. "It will rain again before the week ends and it would be nice not to get caught out in the rain today." He reasoned. Smiling a rurouni smile he was afraid she'd see as a little too forced.
"All right," she beamed, heading out ahead of him as he sighed in relief, worried despite reason over something he couldn't even begin to recall.
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When they'd stepped outside; quietly making their way down the road and into town. Kaoru would admit; she'd feared Kenshin might behave something like he had the last two times they'd been out together; which if memory served correctly had been terribly disastrous on all accounts both at the marketplace and later on with his confrontation of Hano in the alleyway.
It really was comforting to see him behaving like his usual self again she thought, watching him as he idly chatted with Kahto as he served them a share of tofu.
There had been nothing for her to worry about; really, she had been worried for not, she thought. Smiling as Kenshin made his way to her before they headed off to a little stand a couple of feet away.
"Do you know what color kimono you wish to buy Kaoru-dono?"
"I do," she responded, half glancing at him as the little shop came into view. "I've had it picked out for a while. I was just waiting to gather enough money to buy it." She told him, greeting the young woman waving at her hello: "Mika-chan."
"Kaoru-chan," the young girl greeted back, briefly casting eyes on Kenshin before smiling wider at Kaoru. "I was hoping you came by today. I know you'd picked out a green ribbon to go with your kimono but we happened to have gotten some in earlier today. And wouldn't you believe it." She told her excitedly—"But there's one that matches it exactly. I thought you might like that one better instead," she added, handing Kaoru a deep-blue silk package with a similarly wrapped ribbon around it, a splash of red, tainting the ends of it.
"It's beautiful," Kaoru breathed, touching the material fondly before suddenly blinking back a few persistent tears. "Thank you."
"Nothing a friend wouldn't do, Kaoru-chan."
"I really appreciate it though, thank you"
"It's nothing, really. You're going to make me cry," Mika warned. "Get out of here and go enjoy the rest of your day ok."
"Ok," Kaoru beamed, turning around as one of the strangest expressions she had ever seen, flashed across his face.
"Kenshin?" Kaoru called, drawing him from his thoughts in the blink of an eye.
"It looks like a very nice kimono." He complimented, moving with a fluid grace that didn't quite register.
"I- it does."
"Aa," he nodded, voice soft and velvet smooth as he flashed her something like a smile Kaoru couldn't look away from. "Are you ready to go home?"
"Sure," she murmured, eyes cast stubbornly on the ground as something like a blush tainted her cheeks soft changing shades of red.
"Yahiko won't be home for dinner." He commented. Eyes alight on the road ahead as they began to make their way out of the market place.
"He won't be home too late though, will he?" I worry, she almost added, watching him a second before returning her gaze back towards the road. Eyes narrowing suddenly as a couple of men moved in front of them.
"Where is he?" One accused, eyes dark and narrowed, as the wind ruffled his bangs away from his face. "What did you do with our friend?"
"Friend?" Kaoru repeated, "What are you talking about?"
"Kaoru-dono," Kenshin warned, stepping slightly in front of her as one of the other two gripped his sword.
"Where is he?" The same man asked. "He disappeared sometime last night. And it had to be you. You followed us home!" He accused, waving a trebling finger he quickly withdrew. "You were pissed off enough cause we never came out of that damn bar. What did you to him?" He yelled.
"Kenshin was home last night." She informed him, moving slightly out from behind Kenshin to glare at the man. "Don't you dare accuse him of doing something so . . . So vile. Kenshin doesn't hurt people."
"I don't think I was talking to you," the man snapped, glaring daggers at her as she tried to push past Kenshin.
"Well I'm talking to you." She fired back, anger so strong, clouding her judgment, she didn't notice Kenshin's arm snake around her and hold her back. "I think you better be off before Kenshin really does become mad." She threatened, never really thinking the man would hurl himself at her.
"No," Kenshin breathed, moving her out of harms way before she could notice. "You will not harm Kaoru-dono." He vowed, setting his packages down by her feet before moving away from her. "Sessha does not know what this is about. But there's no reason for you to involve her."
"Sessha?" The man repeated. Looking momentarily confused as he glanced between Kenshin and Kaoru. "What the fuck kind of game are you playing at?" He yelled. "What happened to all that shit about killing us?"
"Killing?" Kaoru echoed. "Kenshin doesn't kill." She growled, really, looking around for anything resembling a bokken to beat him down with. "Kenshin—"
"It's all right," Kenshin soothed, glancing at her briefly before turning back towards his opponents. "There has to be a mistake," he tried to explain. "Sessha really was at home last night. You must have me confused with someone else."
"Yamato, are you sure it was him?" One of the other men asked, pulling slightly on his sleeve until Yamato turned to glare at him. "I know who I saw." He snapped back. Glaring balefully at the two men he'd brought as back-up before turning towards Kenshin once again. "Where's my cousin . . . Battousai?"
"Battousai?" Kaoru breathed, feeling faint as Kenshin visibly stiffened.
"That is not my name, that is not." Kenshin voiced, loud enough for them to hear as Kaoru visibly relaxed. "Sessha does not know who you are or what you mean to gain from this but sessha—" he emphasized—"Has never seen you before today. Please, let us pass."
"No." Yamato enunciated. "Not until I know what you did with my cousin. I will take your wife if I have to but you will tell me what you've done with him."
"You are not touching Kaoru-dono." Kenshin retorted back, gripping the hilt of his sword in warning as the others fanned out.
"Kenshin," Kaoru warned, looking helplessly between him and the way they'd come. "I can go get Chief Uramura." She tried to coax. "You've helped him so much, there's nothing he wouldn't do for you. Kenshin . . ." She trailed off, eyes wide as Kenshin moved. Disarming his opponents with such lightning fast movements, she gaped at him in awe. He was as flawlessness, as she'd ever seen him be. There had been no hesitation on his behalf, he'd just moved, she thought, watching him take a breath before turning back around again.
"Are you all right . . . Kaoru-dono?"
"I . . . Yes." She stammered, glancing briefly at the men behind him before locking gazes. "Are they . . ."
"Going to have a headache when they wake up?" He mused. "Probably, Kaoru-dono but sessha couldn't just stand by and let them take you."
"I know, I . . . Thank you." She said, still a little perplexed by his reaction and over all, damn situation.
"Can you get back home on your own?" He asked suddenly. Voice as gentle as she'd ever heard it and yet—"Sessha will go and find Chief Uramura, that he will. It shouldn't take long." He promised. "Sessha will be home in time to make you dinner . . . Kaoru-dono?" "I . . ." She couldn't say she liked the idea of him going alone. Not now—or well, not ever, she would admit but specially now, when he seemed so out of sorts. "Can't we just go home?" She asked. "Eventually they'll wake up right? Can't we just leave it at that?"
"But . . ." they threatened you, remained unsaid, as he shook his head. "They seemed set on sessha being the cause of their distress Kaoru-dono. It wouldn't be wise to let them wonder off. If they woke up and followed us home . . ." He turned away. "Chief Uramura will put them away awhile. Let them cool down and make sense about what they think they saw, all right?"
"All right," she agreed, taking the tofu from his hand as he picked up the rest of the things to take with him. "My kimono . . ."
"Sessha will take it with him, Kaoru-dono, just hurry home. All right?"
"But Kenshin—"
"Please Kaoru-dono, just go."
"Fine," she agreed, tossing her hair off her shoulder as she angrily huffed away, ignoring Kenshin's plea to be careful until she was very sure she was far away.
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He was worried and in his haste, it didn't take him very long to find an officer, even less for the chief himself to become involved. He was, as Kaoru had said, very eager to help him out. Though deep down, he knew, it was because the chief hoped for some kind of help. Probably even hoped Kenshin would take care of this little problem of his like he had once before—like with Jineh, Kenshin thought, becoming suddenly annoyed as he drew away from the wall. Eyes slightly narrowed as he glanced at his attackers, unconscious probably for a couple of more hours still; so, there really was no point in him continuing to wait around.
Today at least, he wouldn't be getting any answers, he thought. Becoming somewhat angry, as he turned away, briskly leaving the police station before any one of the officers noticed he had left. He had to get home, he knew, or Kaoru would come out looking form him once again. And just now, that was very much the type of attention he'd rather just avoid. Though he did wonder, if however brief, whether that was even possible anymore. Since no one, aside from a selective few around him knew who he had been; the fact that other people seemed to know now, common people even at that, was not just alarmingly disturbing, it was dangerous.
How other people had come to know, he would admit he didn't know. And though it bothered him, a great deal in fact, what really worried him was their silence. There had been no one around earlier to hear Yamato call him Battousai but other people, these people he had mentioned from the bar . . . There really was no way for him to buy their silence. And since he refused . . . Since he wasn't . . . Battousai, anymore; he didn't know what he was to do if he found out other people knew.
His anonymity had always been important but never more so; than when he was no longer the hitokiri; than now, when he could ill afford do away with the situation, he had Kaoru and the others to think about. And though he could simply solve this, he could not—would not—simply abandon them because there was no other way for him to hide. He thought . . . no more, as the dojo came into view; gates completely opened to show her awaiting his return, perceptions ever askew as he stopped to watch her turn, eyes ablaze as they turned a darker shade of blue.
"Kaoru-dono?" He questioned, hugging her kimono protectively to his chest as she cocked her head.
"Kenshin," she breathed, exasperation and concern all mixed in the audible sigh she exhaled. "I thought . . ." She shook her head. "You said, soon." She chided, pouting as she came down the steps to help him but . . . Something about her behavior . . . The way, she suddenly seemed to look, scared Kenshin into evading her helpful hands.
A flash of hurt across her face and Kenshin sighed, inwardly hating himself for the millionth time that day. "Sessha can put this away Kaoru-dono, you didn't have to wait." He murmured, turning his back on her as he closed the gates.
"I was only trying to help," she began in a voice that caught on the edges of her emotion, breaking into fragments as he turned but refused to meet her gaze.
"I'm sorry it bothered you," she whispered, turning back into the house as he caught a silent trail of tears streaming down her face.
It pained him to see her cry but she instigated situations where he could ill afford reveal the depths of his emotions for her. And so it always was with something like bitter regret now that he closed his eyes, inhaling the linger scent of jasmine that always welcomed him return . . .
It was neither of their faults he was in love with her but she could at least try and be a little less like . . . Like his whole world, he thought, smiling ironically to himself before stepping into the house, moist eyes, adjusting slowly to the lack of light as he maneuvered his way around, steps ever slow and thoughtful until he reached the kitchen counter, eyes alight on a teapot and adjoining set of cups he noticed as he set her kimono down.
The sight shouldn't have been enough to make him pause, draw him in or in any other way regret what he had done but . . . She had been home, for hours on end, awaiting his return. And in the gloomy light of day, eyes ablaze in awash of joy and concern—he had pushed away, the very affection he always seemed to crave now.
However irrational—it was simply better this way, he reminded, blinking back a few emotions he felt better to ignore. It wouldn't do him any good to think otherwise. What he wanted and what he could have, had long since been divided by an ocean full of guilt and a heartfelt regret, he couldn't just ignore . . . A ten year lifestyle shouldn't be easily swayed, even by such a pretty face he argued, eyes a pale hue as he pushed it aside, far enough away from him and her kimono as he set himself to work, ignorant of everything else around him as he forced the task at hand.
Consequently when dinner was finally done, he had no idea what to do. He had so far avoided thinking about what'd he'd said as well as the expression he'd last seen on her youthful face. But now that he was done, knowing full well he had to fetch her before he left the house, he was afraid; there was only so much he felt he could do, which she'd forgive. Aware that even Kaoru had her limits as well as the knowledge that the day would come when she would simply sigh and walk away.
And however justified that day might be, however close he felt he might be treading near—he couldn't even stand the thought of her turning her back on him completely. He was in love with her and even on his best days, that was enough to make feel helplessly defeated as every where he looked, he was reminded of her being near—of the way things might have been if only he'd met her first . . .
"Kenshin?"
"Aa," he responded, feeling a little lost as he met Dr. Genzai's concerned expression. "Gomen," he apologized, shaking his head free of the cobwebs his thoughts had spun. "Sessha's just a little . . ."
"Sick?"
"What?"
"A little sick still—Kenshin are you sure you're all right?" The doctor asked. Halting mid step as Kenshin drew away. "You're eyes are a little glossy . . . Has your fever gone down yet?"
Fever—yes, he thought, recalling some of what Kaoru had said about him becoming sick, something to do with a fever he couldn't recall . . .
"Kenshin?"
"Aa," he responded, doing his best to recall the rurouni mask for the doctor's inferring gaze. "Sessha's just preoccupied with a case, that he is."
"Oh, did you hear about that already?" The doctor asked, skulking closer to the counter for a cup of tea. "I thought I left, the station before Uramura sent out his men . . ." He trailed off, as he picked up a package off the floor: "What's this?"
"Kaoru-dono's," Kenshin replied, taking the package off his hands before setting it gently aside. "What did Uramura-dono need tell me?" He asked, eyes a shifting purple, he could just barely hide.
"Those men you brought in earlier escaped."
"Escaped?" He echoed, hearing his own voice almost from afar.
"Well, I say escape." The doctor supplied, looking a little troubled himself. "They just kind of disappeared when no one was really looking."
"But they were locked," Kenshin insisted, voice becoming just a little cold as he looked around him. "They were unconscious."
"I don't know what to tell you." The doctor offered, looking weary as he gave a little shrug. "I was there checking on some of Uramura's men when a boy ran by, yelling something or other for the chief to come and look. From there, it just all got a little hectic." He replied, gazing at Kenshin once more. "He was sending someone to get you though."
Someone, Kenshin thought, that would surely piss her off.
"Are you going to go?"
"Aa," he answered back, untying the strings holding his sleeves before casting a final look around, making sure everything was in place before he glanced at the doctor once again. "Dinner's already done," he sighed, casting her kimono a quick glance before heading towards the door. "Please make sure she eats. It won't do her any good to wait for sessha," he forced. Turning briefly beneath the door, half his features already swallowed by the outside dark, "Sessha might not be home tonight."
"Kenshin?"
"Aa?"
"Don't you want to have something to eat before you go? You look a little pale."
"No—" I have to go; he caught off, biting the words off at the very last moment. "Please, just tell her not to worry." He replied, leaving the doctor standing there as a growing sense of unease buoyed from his thoughts.
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In the forest, amid a cold red earth and a blotted out clearing, hardly distinguishable from the trees and darkness, the shadow of a figure moved, diligently working on knot he quickly set use, stringing up three more figures, to hang by a previous two.
One still alive with fear like death etched over his tear stained features began to moan as he drew near. His voice, pleading beneath the gag, escalated into a hitch pitch whimper he seemed unable to control.
A reminder still that even after all these years, the echoes of some things would forever-reverberate a truth, fear and guilt could never hide.
"A pity your cousin couldn't find you," he murmured, voice almost soft from the shadows veiling his surroundings.
Crying and pleading manifesting into sobs, made the tiniest flick of his wrist turn something of the horror like pain into something that ended quite abruptly, the only echoes of his voice died beneath the sound of a click as he re-sheathed his sword.
For the manifesting of his purpose to come to life now all he needed was a little more time. The hitokiri was alone . . . for the most part, rejecting most of the warmth his idiot counterpart had become surrounded by but once he was successfully drawn away from that, nothing would keep him from reemerging. And then, well, all things had a purpose, he supposed. Emerging from the darkness with another rope he slowly wrapped around the heckler, tightening a noose around his neck before dragging the body up. Knowing even Saitou himself, couldn't have done a better job.
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Another day another chapter, ne? Well I hope you all enjoyed the latest installment in the B/K saga, I still have lots and lots to post so I hope you will all stay tune.
This chapter was particularly hard to get out, not for lack of trying though. Believe me but because my hands is starting to hurt again. I had to stop off at the market last night and but some icy-hot. Made me feel a little better but not quite what I would have liked. It's the reason why this chapter is 19 pages instead of the standard 20, again. In know I'm sorry.
I kept thinking about adding to it but it just wouldn't make any sense. It's better just to add it to the next chapter I think, I'm sure many of you will agree. And . . . well having said that, let's get into it, yes.
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Small Notes: It's a new day, cold and bleak and maybe even gloomy, yes but nothing he wouldn't expect. It's almost winter—and a lot of his thoughts run instinctively when he's just come awake but all that stops however as the cold, wet part of his hakama touches his leg. It is a worrisome situation and the panic he feels becomes almost tangible as he realizes there a these tiny bits of memory missing from his conscious thoughts. It seems important that he remember what happened but when he begins to recall things, begins to remember what happened between him and Kaoru, everything else seems to become almost secondary.
As his guilt assaults him, he quickly goes in search of her, hoping to ease some of the worry and guilt that suddenly strikes him down. But even in moments of panic, the mantra he has repeated has become well known; he's worthless and too tainted by the sins of his past to ever hope for his affections to be returned.
He tells her so as he kneels by her slumbering form, choking on his emotions as he whispers things of failure he can only confess as he caresses her youthful face. Lost between actions and words, sending mixed signals to her in sleep as much as he does when she's awake, which as of late has become a much harder habit to break.
And though it has been difficult along the way and for sometime now to distinguish between who he'd been and who he is now; it has become ever more so when trying to discern how much of what he knows and what we can see he sometimes recalls, actually comes from the things a different part of him can only sense.
Though this latest incident does seem to clear up a bit of the haziness surrounding his personality, it is apparent, he's not all there. What used to be an integral part of his personality, things that could make one call him rurouni even, have become greatly disproportion as he wields those traits now like a shield to hide himself behind.
And you can't help but wonder; if this new façade he's had to build around his conscious thoughts is more to hide himself or appease Kaoru, whose fear of his behavior must have been at some point sensed.
He's almost the same, so much so Kaoru can hardly tell the difference. Though there are hints, sometimes in the way he looks at her or how he moves when he speaks to her, only she doesn't notice. Because like all men of strategy, when he waves a hand he makes sure to distracts with the other, though it's done unconsciously on his behave, he still behaves by means of concealment. Almost as if he were trying to hide his identity—though from who—is what one should really be interested to know.
If Kenshin's eyes are shifting colors, Kaoru certainly hasn't said probably because on those rare occasions that they do, caught between emotions and slivers of paling hues, she sees glimpses of emotions designated just for her.
As she shops for a new kimono, unconsciously choosing a deep indigo hue, Kenshin catches something in her body language, something about the way her eyes linger on the crimson splashed ribbon that stirs the echoes of something yet unknown.
She surprises the odd look on his face but without reference to what it might mean, she can do little but dismiss it, returning her gaze back towards the road when they suddenly get harassed.
Approached by men Kaoru's certainly never seen but Kenshin . . . It is not possible to say he hasn't when he might have and just can't seem to recall.
Either way, he disposes of the men with an ease that actually surprises her, forgetting all about Yamato's accusations as she stares at him in awe, perplexed by more than just their behavior as Kenshin himself, turns around. Distracting her with a question she little expected to hear.
As she huffs away, Kenshin remains behind looking after her a moment before finding some assistance; getting the men behind bars in a matter of minutes.
It is a wonder really why Kenshin lingered so . . . But by the time he gets home, the thought is anything but a passing bit of thought. Kaoru is at home, waiting impatiently for him to come home. Worried and frustrated like he can only imagine, which in the ends turns out to be exactly how she awaits him. Letting out a frustration, he can only sympathize with up until she tries to reach for him. And then, it's like a wall between them. Kenshin who isn't exactly Kenshin any more can't stand to be touched. Something about the way it makes him feel, the danger he seems to sense at the feel of her touch makes him apprehensive, so much so, he has come to fear it.
And while he feels extremely bad at the sight of her tears, as we saw he did in the beginning. The same action is easily justified when provoked or as he said, 'when she instigated situations.'
In haling the lingering scent of jasmine before wishing his whole existence didn't depend so much on how she felt before going inside the house. Stopping mid step as he noticed she'd made tea for them and then, as it always is when he makes her cry, his heart twists inside. Reminding him of how long she'd waited for him to come home and the way he'd pushed her away when she seemed to get a little too close.
Blinking back emotions he feels better to ignore, Kenshin pushes all thoughts away, determined to make dinner and nothing else as he devotes himself to that and that alone.
The problem with that however only becomes apparent once he's done. Aware that at some point Kaoru will reach a boiling-point he will never recover from if she chooses to let him go.
He loves her. And the thought of her walking away, however justifiable would surely be his end.
It is at this critical moment, while Kenshin's deeply immersed in thought that Dr. Genzai lets himself into the house. Walking into the kitchen with a greeting Kenshin never heard.
After a few times of calling out his name, the doctor does manages to get his attention but even then, he seems distracted making him wonder if he might still be somewhat sick.
From Kenshin's reaction and glossy eyes it seems like he might. But when the doctor draws near him to have a look, the rurouni backs away; reluctant for anyone it seems to have a closer look.
In the background the doctors voice, slowing filtering into Kenshin's brain. Cuts through, to the important part of a conversation he's already half missed. Dwelling on what he knows, shouldn't have been possible.
For them to escape was simply impossible. They were low level fighter, surrounded by police officers in a well lit jail. The only they could have managed to have gotten out was if someone helped them out.
The rest of his thoughts, Kenshin drowns out, barely answering a question about his health before he decides to go. Figuring somewhere along the way, he'll see Uramura's men.
As he leaves, he tells the doctor dinner's all done, asking in a few well disguised words for doctor to take care of her before he tries to leave. Only pausing once more, as reiterates, what the doctor should already know. Kenshin might not come home . . . tonight, and if he could at all stress the point, to tell her not to worry before he eventually does go, troubled less by the news and more by his thought, which grown steadily uneasy with every other step.
In the last scene, where confusion clearly marks our path; the shadowed figure is seen once again, moving in the darkness with unnatural ease as he hoists the bodies up. That's three, along a previous two and from that alone along with the fact that Kenshin has just been informed of their escape, it should be quite easy to deduce who the men were, just as it should becomes obvious, who the last man was.
Not to so much with the end, which can be easily misinterpreted. Thought there are clues by which you can feel along. 'For the manifesting of his purpose,' for example, seems to refer to the shadowed figure's agenda, which had so far been unclear. Not anymore, it seems as it becomes quite clear, how familiar he has become with the rurouni and the different facets of his life, knowing that if he can draw Kenshin away from his mask, the hitokiri will reemerge. Though for what purpose is still unclear. All things strive and in the end, whether it's another hitokiri or Battousai himself trying to emerge, who Kenshin was will never be the same again.
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