Ask Dr. Reid
By The Wonder Twins
Disclaimer: As much as some of us would like to (points to Ruby) we do not own Reid or any other character of the show Criminal Minds. And if we did, god damn it, we would actually know what happened.
Dr. Spencer Reid looked back at himself from the cover of the magazine entitled "S.U. (Satunnainen Ulostaa)" His eyes widened as he translated the Finnish words and realized just what the magazine was called. With a deep sigh, he opened the magazine to the middle, where the cover story, his interview, was featured.
"We all know that Dr. Spencer Reid is the Know-It-All of the FBI's BAU unit," the article began, "But how much does he really know? We pondered that question for several hours, reviewing tapes of his genius and, unfortunately, the moments where he doesn't exactly shine. We came to the conclusion that even we couldn't comprehend how much he actually knows without asking him ourselves. So we decided to do just that. The Wonder Twins have decided to sit down with the Infamous Dr. Reid and have a little chat."
Before he could get any farther, Derek Morgan snatched the magazine out of his hands. "Whoa, Reid got himself on the cover of a magazine," he called out so the rest of the unit could hear him. "What magazine?" Elle Greenway asked interested. "S.U." Morgan replied, "What the hell is S.U." "Short for Satunnainen Ulostaa, which is Finnish for Random Crap," Reid said, translating perfectly. Morgan just stared at him. "Oh and look, it say's 'Mr. Know-It-All' on the cover," said Elle, "'Our exclusive interview with the Infamous Dr. Reid.' How the hell did you get pulled into this gig?" Reid lowered his head and blushed a little. "I'm friends with the creators of the magazine. We met at summer camp as kids. They were my best friends, regardless of the fact that they've almost gotten me arrested several times. When they got bored, they called me up out of the blue."
"Well let's check out this interview then," said Jason Gideon, coming up behind them from nowhere. He snatched the article out of Morgan's hands and began reading the interview.
"The Wonder Twins (W.T.): We heard, and tend to know from experience, that you're pretty smart. But we were wondering if you really knew everything. So we have a few questions we'd like to ask of you.
Dr. Spencer Reid (S.R.): I've told you two time and again that I do not know everything. I just have a very high intelligence rate.
W.T.: Yeah, uh-huh, and we have a high tolerance for caffeine. That's not the point.
S.R.: Then what is the point?
W.T.: There is no point. This is S.U. man, we never have a point. We just do this because we're bored and it just so happens to be entertaining to other people.
S.R.: (heavy sigh) Fine. Then let's get on with this pointless line of questioning.
W.T.: Hey, don't get sassy with us mister."
"These are your friends?" asked Aaron Hotchner in amazement. "Yeah," Reid replied kind of sadly, "Don't ask me how." "Oh, let me continue," said J.J. snatching the article out of Gideon's hands.
"W.T.: What color is a dog's bark?
S.R.: Depends on what drugs your on at the time. Acid will make it look more pink and red and yellow, while
W.T.: And how do we know this? From experience? (mumbles) Which would explain a lot.
S.R.: In order to get a psychology doctorate, I had to interview crazy people and druggies. Sometimes both in the same person. They tell you some interesting things.
W.T.: (sarcastically) We believe you. Moving on. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
S.R.: Black. Whatever chemical is in their blood that turns them blue, assuming that the Smurfs live on earth, if you take that chemical and deprive it of air, it turns black.
W.T.: And how the hell do you know this?
S.R.: I got bored."
"You got bored?" Morgan asked with wide eyes. "I was seven, leave me alone," Reid replied defensively. "Only you Reid," said Elle affectionately, "Now it's my turn to read." And the magazine was passed along to Elle.
"W.T.: (holds up a card with a star drawn on it) What shape is this?
S.R.: Are you serious?
W.T.: As a heart attack.
S.R.: An acute heart attack or a major heart attack?
W.T.: Either and/or both. Y'know, whatever flips your pancake.
S.R.: (sighs in defeat) Fine. It's a star.
W.T.: Good. Now who you gonna call?
S.R.: (sighs again) Ghostbusters?
W.T.: (puts fingers together and, in a Mr. Burns voice) Excellent. What does Frankie say?
S.R.: Oh God, bad flashbacks.
W.T.: (while laughing hysterically) C'mon now, you were 5. Not even.
S.R.: Two words: creepy parents.
W.T.: Three more words: creepy genius son. Now answer the question.
S.R.: Frankie says Relax."
"Ok, what's up with these questions?" asked Gideon, expressing how he felt with his eyebrows. "The magazine is called Random Crap, what else do you expect?" Reid asked in return. "Ok, I've got to read some of this," said Hotchner, running a hand through his anchorman hair.
"W.T.: Finish the phrase. There's no I in team, but…
S.R.: There's a "me" if you jumble it up. You two watch too much TV.
W.T.: So? Next question. (both women put their heads on his shoulders) Do you love us?
S.R.: Unfortunately yes. Although I don't know why after all the trouble you two get me into.
W.T.: That's okay. We only put your plans into action, so shut up. Next question. Can we borrow ten bucks? We need a pizza.
S.R.: You own a magazine and you don't have ten dollars?
W.T.: Have you ever known us to have money?
S.R.: No.
W.T.: Well what did you expect? Now do you have it or are we gonna have to rob you again? And this time, we're not giving your pants back.
S.R.: Okay, okay, whatever you say. (hands over ten bucks)
W.T.: Spanks."
"What do they mean by not giving you your pants back?" asked a curious J.J. "Let's not go there," said Reid, "It was a long time ago. And according to them, strictly an innocent robbing. Nothing more, nothing less." "And do you believe that?" asked Gideon. "Well, I'm forced to in order to keep my life, but I think they just wanted to see me de-clothed," came the reply. "Okay let's continue with the Reid torture," said Morgan, taking the magazine and continuing.
"W.T.: Led Zeppelin or The Who?
S.R.: Zeppelin.
W.T.: (throws a volley of paper balls) Bad choice! Bad choice! You've always had horrible taste in music!
S.R.: Fine! The Who! The Who!
W.T.: (more paper balls fly) See now your just conforming. Stupid conformist.
S.R.: You two are never happy!
W.T.: Damn right. Next question. Got any gum?
S.R.: Yes but it's Wrigley's Spearmint.
W.T.: You only bought that 'cause you know we don't like it.
S.R.: Exactly.
W.T.: You shall be flogged in the morning for you insolence.
S.R.: Why?
W.T.: For you refuse to please the Gods. The only way to redeem yourself is to give us hugs.
S.R.: Fine. (hugs both girls. They steal his wallet) Happy?
W.T.: Oh yeah (brandishing the confiscated wallet) Now let's see what's in this.
S.R.: Hey!
W.T.: (rifling through wallet) Nothing good. (takes twenty bucks) Oh dude (pulls out condom) Expired in 1991. Time to chuck that. (gives wallet back.)
S.R.: Thank you for robbing me. Again.
W.T.: No problem. It's all part of the job.
S.R.: You know, people get arrested for stuff like this.
W.T.: Except us, amazingly. 'Cause we're just that damn good."
"Dude, you're just too gullible," said Morgan, pausing in his reading. "But still so cute," said Penelope Garcia, walking in, "What's this?" "An interview our dear friend Reid did for a couple of friends," Morgan answered smirking. "Ooh, let me see," said Garcia, grabbing the article and finishing it.
"W.T.: Next question: What would you do for a Klondike bar?
S.R.: Depends. What do you want me to do?
W.T.: Clean my house?
S.R.: Sure, I might get all that stuff you stole from me back.
W.T.: Not gonna happen. Would you do the dancing baby dance?
S.R.: Sure.
W.T.: Dude I would even pay to see that. Fortunately (pulls out Klondike bar) we have one of these. Now dance monkey dance!
S.R.: (Next to picture of him doing baby dance) Yay, Klondike bar!
W.T.: (cheers) That was well worth it.
S.R.: That was quite demeaning.
W.T.: Hey, you did it for ice cream. Any dignity lost was on your part not ours. Now if we throw a stick will you leave?
S.R.: Gladly (exits)
So there you have it folks. Spencer Reid really does know everything. So the next time you see him on the street, ask him a question. Pay him enough and he might even do your homework for you. And if you just so happen to have ice cream, he'll even dance. Until next time, we are The Wonder Twins."
"Wow Reid, your friends really need help," said Elle. "You're telling me," said Reid. "Now why is there a rant about Chuck Norris when you turn the page?" Garcia asked.
END
A/N: Just saying, we're not sure if our translation of Random Crap is right or not, so if it isn't, let us know. Hope you enjoyed, please R&R!
The Wonder Twins.
A/N: And we're all still wondering why Chuck Norris is so damn popular lately.