Quistis' songfic. I don't own the lyrics or the characters. Song is "What Do I Have To Do?" by Stabbing Westward. Lyrics in italics. (I hate the fanfic spacing by the way)
You make it hard to breathe
It's as if I'm suffocating
She knew it wasn't real. She was a convenient replacement for him and no true feelings were attached to this liaison on his part. She knew this but she didn't care; at least not at first. At the beginning it was just enough for her that he had come to her, chosen her for relief; and now it was she, Quistis Trepe, lying next to Squall Leonhart and not Rinoa. It had stolen her breath away that first time he had allowed her into his room.
And when you're next to me
I can feel your heartbeat through my skin
It makes me sad to think
This all could be for nothing
For a few weeks, she was blissful. During the day, he never really acknowledged her anymore than was necessary but that didn't bother her. At night, she would make her way to his room and he would quietly let her in. Sometimes she even got him to talk a little bit, open up to her, before they moved to the bed. She would lay awake beside him as he slept afterward and watch him, her heart slowing to beat in time with his and she would count those conjoined heartbeats till dawn filtered through the window. She had been completely content with her lot until that one night. Squall had retired early from work and gone ahead to his room. When Quistis joined him a few hours later, she could smell the alcohol on him. She remembered that night with crystal clarity. The way he had smiled when she walked in, standing to hug her. The way he had spoken of his day to her and talked a bit about his thoughts; really and truly opened up to her. And when he led her to the bed and laid her down, her heart was ready to burst from her chest with happiness.
"Rinoa…."
I wish there was a way
a way for you to see inside of me
I've never felt this way
about anyone or anything
He had drunk enough that he was able to pretend fully that Quistis was Rinoa. She didn't realize this until they were making love, and he called her Rinoa; not once, not twice, but several times. And Quistis being who and what she was had said nothing to dispute it, had murmured loving words into his ear and held him close when he finally curled up to her chest and slept. She tried to ignore the scalding tears that tracked their way down her cheeks to be lost in the tangle of her blonde hair and his darker locks. He was still hung up on Rinoa, even after a year had passed. Quistis was at a loss that night. She thought she had shown him in every way possible the way she felt for him, the love she bore him like a heavy chain around her neck. But he just didn't see and she had no idea how else to make him understand.
Tell me
What do I have to do to…… make you happy?
What do I have to do to….. make you understand?
What do I have to do to….. make you want me?
And, if I can't make you want me
What do I have to do?
After that night, she began to push him. She would track him down in the halls of Garden and try to force conversation on him. She would always be near him, trying to get some semblance of acknowledgement from him. Wanting others to see that yes, Quistis Trepe was in the Commander's bed and arms at night. He never made any acknowledgement of her beyond the normal and managed to brush off her attempts for a long while. She took that as a sign. While he wasn't making announcements on the PA that she was his lover, at least he wasn't pushing her away anymore than he had before she had come along.
I know exactly what you're thinking
But I swear this time I will not let you down
I'm not as selfish as I used to be
That was a part of me that never made me proud
Then he stopped admitting her into his room at night. It started out innocently enough; he had gone to bed early because he was sick, so of course he wouldn't answer his door that night. And so she kept up the constant pushing by day. But as each night followed and he would give lame excuses as to why she couldn't come in, she began to realize that she had pushed to far. He was never rude to her when others were around, but here he lashed back at her and denied her the very thing that kept her happy.
Right now I think I would try anything
Anything at all to keep you satisfied
God I hope you see what losing you would do to me
All I want is one more chance, so tell me...
What do I have to do…. to make you happy?
What do I have to do…. to make you understand?
What do I have to do…. to make you want me?
And if I can't make you want me….
She panicked after two weeks of him dismissing her completely from her life. She desperately sought any way to make amends. She spoke through his door quietly, telling him he could call her anything he wanted, that she would do anything to be let back inside. She stopped trying to push him during the day, merely giving him cool polite greetings. When he continued to turn her away, she stopped talking to him altogether, hoping that if she gave him no attention he would realize he missed her.
He still rebuked her.
She switched tracks and became an integral part of the Garden's day-to-day procedures. She was the model SEED, never complaining, staying late, taking on extra work. She became very pale during those few weeks, her skin losing all color and her hair hanging lank and dull from her clip. She developed angry dark circles under her eyes and still he wouldn't allow her entry.
When she almost fainted while looking over reports with Xu, she changed tracks again and stopped being a model SEED. While she couldn't bring herself to truly breaking any codes of conduct rules, she stopped being on time, stopped taking extra work. She came up with excuses to leave early and retire to her room – where all she did was cry and stare at the wall. This time, he reprimanded her severely.
And something in Quistis truly started to break.
Just tell me… tell me
How can I How can I How can I What do I have to do… What do I have to do…. to make you want me?What do I have to do…. to make you understand?
What do I have to do…. to make you love me?
She took to drinking heavily in her room. Reading silly romance novels and dreaming of a fairy tale future, or even those first few weeks. She dropped weight alarmingly and it was getting harder and harder for her to get out of bed to greet each new day. One night after imbibing several drinks, she decided to wander the hallways. When she found herself strolling up and down the hallway that held his room, she snorted at herself in disgust. How could he have reduced her to this? Staring intently at his door, she firmly told herself to get over it and move on. But then she noticed that there was no light seeping through the door cracks. Without any real conscious thought, her feet took her up to the Commander's office. She walked in unannounced and was faintly amused at the way his head jerked up and his hand reached for his gunblade. She sketched a rough salute and sauntered forward on only slightly unsteady legs to flop down in the chair before his desk. She stared at him silently for many long moments and he stared back, equally silent. What all passed in that stare, even Quistis wasn't sure about. But after a few moments, she stood again, leaned over the desk and placed a light kiss on his cheek. In her mind, she was finally saying that she was going to quit, give up and leave him to himself. Maybe Squall understood that as well for all he said was.
"Tomorrow night."
And if I cant make you love me
Just tell me
What do I have to do…
She fought with herself all that day and into the early evening. How could she go again? Why would she put herself through this pain? She knew he didn't love her, didn't want her there to confide in her, to be close to her. He just wanted the empty comfort of a soft and willing body. But every time she almost convinced herself not to go, she would remember those moments lying in his arms, stroking his hair as he slept, kissing his soft lips, calling out his name quietly; all those moments that she treasured in her heart and he cared nothing about would flood through her mind. She loved him so much and yet hated him for what he could do to her. What she was doing to herself for him. She was a mess and he would never love her and yet…
She went.
She went and when he opened his door and beckoned her inside, she was hard put to keep tears of remorse, regret, love, happiness, and hate from spilling down her face. When she left his room and went back to hers, she sat at the edge of her bed. She knew she could never forget how close she'd come to happiness, how close she'd gotten to everything she'd ever wanted. She couldn't imagine any way to forget his eyes above hers.
His eyes unfocused and thinking of her.
She wasn't sure she could forget how she'd let him use her. And how she'd reveled in it. She turned the revolver she'd taken from the weapons room around and around in her hands. She knew she had to forget and maybe this was the only way. Maybe…
To forget about you.