Disclaimer: My ownership status still has not changed. I still do not own Naruto, I never will. Amazingly I also do not own PEZ.
Dont'cha Love Me?
Episode III
"Alright Iruka sensei, this'll work for sure!" Naruto said, shoving the cards into his sensei's hands.
"These lines are terrible!" Iruka cried, "Naruto, where did you come up with 'are those two bowling balls heavy?' That'll get me killed!"
"She'll be all over you!" Naruto said, amazed at his sensei's ignorance of women!
"With a knife." Iruka scoffed.
"She won't be able to resist your charm, believe it Sensei!" Naruto cried, and Iruka shrugged.
Iruka frowned, but probably realized he had no choice, Naruto grinned, knowing his sensei was going to succeed with this plan, plus if he didn't then at least it'd be him getting his tail kicked instead of Naruto!
Shizune was walking home carrying several bags of groceries while her lovable piggy companion strolled along after her eating anything that fell.
Iruka approached her and said "Hi there!"
"Yes hello." Shizune nodded, Naruto respected her ability to hide her obvious lust for master Iruka, by appearing more interested in her parcels than Iruka.
"Baby, you must have great balance, 'cause you've been on my mind all day long."
"Yeah . . . okay." Shizune said, and kept walking.
"Uh . . . I mean that outfit looks good on you, but it'd look better on my bedroom flo—"
"You really want to finish that?" She asked, glaring.
Iruka looked at the card, thought about it then said "Uh . . . no. Not really, no."
"Right then." Shizune nodded, and went about her business.
"Uh, hey can I help you with your—"
"Say something perverted and I'll impale you on a stick and eat your kidneys!" Shizune warned.
"I uh, just wanted to know if you wanted some help with those bags."
"Oh . . . oh! Okay, sure!" Shizune said, handing him a few bags. "You have no idea how many men have propositioned me lately!"
"Four?" Iruka guessed.
"Wha . . . uh yeah." Shizune blinked. "Yeah . . . how'd you know that?"
"Well you seem nice enough to get propositioned four times." Iruka shrugged, totally pulling that one out of thin air . . . man he was smooth!
"Huh. Well gee, thanks . . . I guess. Y'know you're not so bad for a perv—wha!" Shizune cried as a cat flew through the air and landed on her head.
It began to claw her scalp, then finally settled down on top of her head and hissed at Iruka.
"What the—" Iruka frowned, but he knew who was responsible. "Naruto . . ." he growled.
"Here we go!" Naruto laughed to himself as he hurled another cat at Shizune!
"Hey, what're you doin' with all those cats, boss?" Konohamaru asked, his pair of buddies with him.
"I'm huckin' cats at that babe over there so Iruka sensei can fight them off, save her and totally score!"
"Score what?" Konohamaru asked.
Naruto blinked, "Uh . . . well I can't tell you guys that, you're too young. But rest assured, Iruka Sensei will be so happy once he gets it, there'll be good grades everywhere!"
"Yay!" The three mini-ninja-hopefuls cheered and each grabbed a cat!
"Oh gawd!" Shizune whined, "They're everywhere!"
Actually, Iruka noticed they were only being directed at Shizune, who'd dropped her bags and was trying to remove a cat that'd latched onto her shoulder and simply would not let go.
Iruka noticed four cats hurtling in. Whatever Naruto had planned there was no way it would result in Shizune admitting whether or not she were Iruka's secret admirer!
He scowled and reached behind his back, then threw a pair of kunai at the cats!
"No don't kill them!" Naruto screamed from far off.
"Kill them all!" Shizune cried as one of the cats somehow managed to remove and then run away with her bra.
Iruka smirked however as his two kunai knives slammed into the wall of a building, and the four cats hung there as if levitating off the ground.
"Invisible net!" Iruka said, quite satisfied with himself.
But Naruto and whoever was helping him just hurled more cats!
Iruka threw net after net, the writer feels that now is a good time to note that no animals were harmed in the making of this fan fiction.
After about fifty—Iruka wondered where Naruto had gotten fifty cats—the barrage stopped.
He turned to Shizune and didn't see there being a whole lot of point to asking her if she were all right, but did it anyway. "Are you all right, Shizune-chan?"
"Uh . . . yea-no!" Shizune said, rubbing a bleeding cheek.
"Uh here, lemme get that." Iruka said, wiping the blood off of her cheek.
"Aww, you're so sweet, I've just got to repay you for saving me from those cats!" Shizune said.
"Well how about dinner tonight?" Naruto screamed from far off, Iruka wanted to disappear and never be seen again.
But Shizune blinked and said, "Really? Well okay . . . I was going to give you some money, but I guess dinner is okay. I'll just go get some rabies treatments, we can meet uh . . . at my place at eight."
"Oh, okay. Yeah!" Iruka said, raising a fist in triumph!
Naruto slapped his sensei on the back, "See?" He asked, "She's totally hot for ya!"
"I'm not so sure, I found another letter and at first I was wondering what a rooster had to do with anything, and then I thought it was Shizune thanking me for rescuing her, but turns out the word she kept using has a meaning other than "cat!" Iruka said.
And predictably Naruto had stolen a piece of paper from him, but luckily he said, "Hah! I knew you'd try to steal the letter so I buried it deep in the earth!"
"This looks like a love letter to me." Naruto said. "Milk chocolate, two dozen eggs—"
"That's a grocery list." Iruka said, eye twitching with annoyance. "Anyway I've got to get Shizune to confess, but I just don't know . . . maybe if you went up to her and asked her if she knew who it was, then gauged the surprise in her reaction?"
"No that's stupid! I got a better plan!" Naruto said, and Iruka groaned, for Naruto materialized a headset and a microphone. "Another plan?"
"Hey, the last one worked, didn't it?" Naruto protested.
"Okay, fine. What's this?"
"You date Shizune, and I'll listen in, when you need advice I'll give it to ya!" Naruto said.
"Oh . . . well that's not so bad." Iruka said, little did he know what else Naruto had in mind.
"Ah . . . what a lovely dinner." Iruka said, Naruto was watching them from the ramen booth just across the street from their restaurant, he could see inside the window but couldn't hear Shizune. He could hear Iruka though, "Tell her she has a darn nice pair!" Naruto said into the microphone.
Iruka gulped and said "Y'know it's rare that I meet a woman with such a nice set." Naruto didn't hear what Shizune said, but he saw her grab his sensei by the collar of his jacket and prepare to pound his face in!
"Of eyes!" Naruto cried, and Iruka repeated and Shizune relaxed and looked embarrassed, "Nice save!" Naruto said. He glanced back at his accomplice, "Ready? We'll get her to confess to being master Iruka's secret admirer, then we'll be rollin' in ramen!"
"Right on." Naruto's accomplice said, giving thumbs up!
Iruka sighed, this was one boring date. Sure, the idea of getting into bed with Shizune was appealing—very appealing—but c'mon! He wasn't in love with his secret admirer for her body, he loved her spirit, the soul that she put into every letter, the sweet person that she was, illustrated through writing . . .
As long as she wasn't really fat. He could take a little fat, but he had to be able to carry this woman across the threshold so . . . c'mon be real.
He guessed Shizune might make an okay wife . . .
But was she his secret admirer?
Suddenly Kakashi came in and put a hand on Iruka's shoulder, "Hey, you know you're using a bit too much of Naruto's time, and—oh, hey Shizune!"
"Hmm? Oh yes, hello." Shizune said looking a little confused.
"You want to go somewhere fun?" Kakashi asked.
"What? Kakashi!" Iruka protested.
"Um, I'm having fun with Iruka." Shizune said.
"I've got alcohol." Kakashi said in a bored but tempting voice.
"Um, I'm here with someone?" Shizune said, looking annoyed.
"I've got chips and aphrodisiac dip." Kakashi said with a puzzled expression as he looked down at a card that looked a lot like one of Naruto's.
"So go enjoy it alone you perv!" Shizune said, clenching a fist.
"Uh . . . I've got PEZ." Kakashi said, throwing his date cards away and reaching into his pocket.
Shizune leapt out of her chair and screamed, "Take me!"
And they left. Iruka sat there alone for a moment, then sighed and raised his hand, "Check please."
"Hold up!" Naruto said, tossing himself into the chair, "Ramen, miso flavored!"
"Oh . . . hi Naruto." Iruka said.
"Well, thanks to Kakashi-sensei we've just proven that Shizune is not your secret admirer."
Iruka sighed, "Yeah, guess so . . . she'd never have just walked off with Kakashi . . ."
"Yeah, I asked him to do that." Naruto said, very satisfied with himself, "Told him I'd share my ramen with him."
"And he agreed?" Iruka raised an eyebrow.
"He was bored." Naruto shrugged.
"Well you're not getting any ramen, you bet me it was Shizune, and it clearly isn't."
"Oh right . . . well . . . we'll go double or nothing, forty bowls says the next babe I pick out is your secret admirer!"
"Whatever." Iruka sighed, he'd kind of liked Shizune.
Just then the fifth Hokage, Tsunade walked by, she raised an eyebrow at Naruto and Iruka, "How cute, you're like two brothers!" She said, then walked on, "Has anyone seen Shizune? I heard she was going to be here!"
Iruka sighed, and Naruto leapt up into the air, "I got it! It's Tsunade!"
"You will call her Lady Hokage!" Iruka snapped, bopping Naruto on the head!
"Ouch! Okay, fine, but it is so totally her!"
"She's like . . . fifty!" Iruka said, frowning but finding himself checking Tsunade out anyway. Man did she have a nice set . . . and he didn't mean her eyes.
"Look Iruka-sensei, age is just a number, when you start to grow wrinkles it's a different matter! And Tsunade—er Lady Hokage is ageless!"
"Yeah . . . hmm . . ." Iruka thought. "It'd be kind of like sleeping with the boss, wouldn't it?"
"Bosses need lovin' too. And who said anything about sleeping?" Naruto raised an eyebrow.
"Yes well it's hard to think about anything else when I look at her." Iruka admitted.
"Yeah, I know what you mean. She's so boring, she makes me want to fall asleep too."
"No that's not what I . . . oh never mind."
"I'll bet you double or nothing she's the one sensei!"
Iruka groaned, and Naruto began drawing his plan out on a napkin, "You'll do this and I'll do this, we'll get Kakashi-sensei and Shizune to take you two out on a double date and I'll get another bag of cats—"
"Throw cats at the Hokage and you'll run the risk of being viciously killed." Iruka said.
"Okay, I'll find something better than cats . . . but believe me sensei, we'll get this done!"
"Yeah! We're with you boss!" Konohamaru and his cronies said together.
"Isn't it past your bed time?" Iruka blinked.
"You didn't see anything!" Konohamaru cried, then disguised himself as a rather unconvincing table while his buddies became what Iruka guessed were meant to look like chairs. The triangular table and deformed chairs slipped off into the night.
Iruka massaged his forehead, "Maybe I'll just wait for this secret admirer to reveal herself."
"No-no-no-no-no, we find her out!" Naruto said, slamming his fist into the table, "Chicks dig a man who takes the initiative, and take command! She wants you to find her out!"
Naruto seemed too eager, Iruka just shrugged. "Okay, fine. We'll give this a try . . ."
To Be Continued . . .