As Close as Family

Disclaimer: see chapter 1

Summary: see chapter 1

Warnings/Ratings: see chapter 1

Author's Note: Thanks as ever to Rae Artemis who made me stick with the story even when times got hard and the muses went away.

Author's Note 2: Reviews continue to be welcomed.

Chapter 9 – Getting too much, can't breathe

The day passed, one of us always had Suzi in sight. She went home with Sam following her. Then when the time for her shift came, she headed down to work. Over the next few hours, one of us was always in there keeping an eye on her. The rest of the time, one of us watched the clearing and the others took a turn at resting. I couldn't. I couldn't stop. I wanted to just grab the girls, as many as we could find, and run, forget the demon but get Suzi away somewhere safe and then, then we'd come back and waste it. Couldn't do that though, let emotion get in the way like that, cloud my judgement. Getting the girls away wasn't an option, if we did that, they'd know we were on to them, they'd get out and the girls would never be safe again, so instead we had to wait it out. The day dragged by unbearably.

'Dean' I pushed myself off the wall I'd been leaning against and looked at Sam. 'Come on back to the motel, you've got an hour until you take over from Bobby in the diner and Jordan's up at the clearing. You can't stand here that long, people are going to be looking at you man.'

He was right and I knew it. Didn't make it any easier to accept though.

'Dean, come on.' He pulled on my arm turning me to face the direction of the motel and I started to walk. I just wanted to shut my mind off for a bit, it was playing out the plan over and over and each time something else went wrong.

It took no time to get back to the motel and Sam unlocked the door. Without him by my side, my momentum gave up and I just stopped. He was inside the room and sat down before he realised I wasn't with him. He came back, 'Come on Dean.' I could hear him but his words were lost in a welter of thoughts and feelings that were overwhelming me, they were rising up. I felt like I was drowning, the world was fine, everyone else was fine and I was stood there in the car park of a motel drowning, couldn't anybody tell, couldn't they see what was happening.

'Dean, come on, come inside.' Sam took my arm to pull me inside, but it felt like an electric shock grounding through me. I could hear him but I could hear me too shouting inside, I could hear my breath, short, fast, racing in and out but I couldn't feel the oxygen reaching my lungs. I was drowning in front of Sam.

'Dean breathe, slow, in and out, in…out… come on bro. It's alright; calm down, everything's fine.' He said it over and over again. I watched his lips move, heard the words through the fog that has settled over me. I focussed on Sam, on breathing in and breathing out, on Sam's words. The fog began to clear.

'Sammy?'

'Yeah, Dean. You okay?'

'Sammy?' I could hear my voice, but it didn't sound like mine.

'Dean, it's okay, just give it a minute. Then you can tell me what that was all about.'

I closed my eyes; I concentrated on breathing, on listening to Sam move around the room and on not letting myself think. I heard the other chair move and the sound of Sam settling into it. 'Dean come on, open your eyes, you've got to talk to me, man. You've got to sort this or you're not going to be any use to us tonight.'

'Sam, what…what if it all goes wrong? What if the girl, Danny, gets hurt? What if I… if we don't protect Suzi well enough?'

'Dean, stop. The plan is sorted now, we've just got to hope everything's fine.'

'No!'

'Dean. What's the matter?'

'The plan's not enough, it's not good enough, Sam. Bobby should have told us what to do. What was I thinking? Dad would have known better…'

'Better than what?'

'Better than to let me think I could come up with a plan for something this big. There's too much riding on this. What if it goes wrong Sam?'

'Dean, listen to me. The plan is fine. I've looked at it. Jordan and Bobby, we've all looked, we've all added to it – it's our plan, not just yours and it's the best we can come up with, with just four of us to carry it out. Everything will be fine, but you Dean, you need to hold on, get your act together. You can't lose it like this.'

'Sam, I just keep seeing all the things that could go wrong.'

'Dean, what would we do if this was any other job?' I recognised them, my own words thrown back at me, but he was right. Any other job. I needed to focus.

'So you okay now?' I nodded. 'Dean have you had any rest at all?'

'It's not like I've been doing much since we finished setting up this morning.' I knew what he was thinking, I knew what I'd be thinking if our roles were reversed, but I was okay. I'd got the fear and panic clamped back down. It would be fine, I kept telling myself, fine. Okay so not quite clamped but not so wild, and I was working on it. I just needed to make sure I didn't think too hard.

'Sit down on the bed and relax.'

'I'm not going to sleep.'

'You can bet your ass you're not. There isn't time now unless you want me to go take over at the diner and you follow Suzi later.'

'No! …We'll stick with what everyone knows.'

'Right. Good but no sleep, no time, just take the weight off of your feet and watch a bit of TV until it's time to go. It's not long now. Just take your mind off tonight for a bit okay.'

Sam was right, I watched half heartedly, no idea what was on, what it was about, but it was enough to stop me thinking for a bit. As the programme finished, I stood up and got ready to move out and head back to the diner. As I reached the door, I turned and looked at where Sam still lay on the other bed, 'Later Sam.'

'Dean,' I waited, 'No point in my saying don't worry, 'cos you will anyway but it will be okay. Suzi will be okay.' I half wanted him to tell me he'd 'seen' it but I wouldn't have believed him, Sam's visions don't work that way.

'I hope you're right, Sam. I hope you're right.'