Author's note: Part three. Life goes ever on and on… This part focuses more on Merry than on Pippin. Please read and review!
Disclaimer: As much as I want to, I do not own the characters (except for Merry's children) =). They all belong to JRR Tolkien!
"When will this winter end?" Pippin complained and rubbed his aching feet. "I can't believe I ever wished for the heat to go away! Or longed for snow! I stand by every word I said about snow up on Caradhras, mark my words Merry! Diamond was right, the winter sure came with the cold, and it makes you long for summer again, doesn't it?"
Merry didn't answer. He was busy rubbing his own feet, trying to get them warmed up again. The snow was still a few decimetres deep and for Hobbit feet that was more than enough. Each turn to and from the stables resulted in cold, aching feet and by now Merry was sick of it. It was late March, he wouldn't mind if the sun would start to warm up and melt the snow by now, but still the temperature never made it above freezing. Merry had forgotten what it was like to have frozen feet, it had been long since last time he had experienced it. At least he wouldn't have to go back outside again tonight.
Estella came into the room with Théodoc on her arm and frowned at the two lads seated as close to the fire as they could possibly get without their hair catching on fire. The two of them had pulled up their favourite armchairs to the fire to sit more comfortably during the long times they spent each day trying to warm their icy feet, and by now Estella was used to seeing them sitting their, groaning and whining over their aching feet while trying hard to warm them up again. Six months earlier she had worried over how they would handle the heat, now she was worrying over how they would handle the cold. It seems like all she ever did anymore was worry. She was beginning to understand why Rosie had lost her old carefree nature.
She sat down and began feeding Théodoc, not bothering to care that Pippin was in the room. With Éowyn she would never have dared to nurse with Pippin or any other lad in the room, she would barely even nurse her in front of Merry, but Théo needed to be fed and Pippin had his back turned anyway. And if he were to turn around she could handle it. He had never seen her nurse, but she knew he had often seen Diamond nurse Faramir. He claimed that it was one of the most wonderful sights there were for a father's eyes, and even though Estella didn't wish to have his eyes upon her when she nursed her own child she didn't feel like it would be the end of the world if he did see her.
"He eats like a pig" Merry commented and turned his head to look at his wife and son. "It seems like every time I see you you're feeding him!"
"Takes after his father" Estella said.
Pippin let out a loud cry of pain at the same time as Estella decided that the baby had had enough to eat, and she gave Pippin a worried glance as she began to burp the child.
"That does not sound well, Pippin!" she said.
"You take after your husband" Pippin told her and continued rubbing his left foot with a pained expression on his face. "Always concerned with other people's medical conditions… I wonder how long it will be before you begin to learn what herbs to cure what pain with!"
"No, thank you" Estella said. "I'll leave that to Merry."
"I'm beginning to understand why the big people wear shoes" Pippin complained. "Hobbit feet weren't meant to march in snow!"
Merry didn't comment out loud, even though he couldn't help but agree. His feet seemed very reluctant to get accustomed to the icy cold snow and twice a day it was the same procedure. Out to the stables, spend an hour tending to the animals, then walking back and forth to the hole with the milk and eggs. His feet were always numb when he got back inside and it was very painful to warm them up again.
Estella finished burping Théodoc and gently put him down on a pillow. She rose and went over to Merry and Pippin.
"Oh your poor feet Merry!" she said and sunk down by his feet, which he were rubbing with a grim look on his face. "Here, let me, love…" She took both his ice cold feet in her hands and began rubbing them hard, knowing that even though she might hurt him a bit with his hands a hard rubbing would warm them up faster. "We ought to dig a hall out to the stables this summer" she said. "We cannot have the two of you running back and forth in the snow! Sooner or later it will be a snowy winter again and oh your poor feet.."
Merry leaned back in his armchair and closed his eyes, groaning at the pain in his feet. Estella's rubbing hands were indeed painful, but he could feel his feet slowly warming up.
"Where's that wife of mine when I need her?" Pippin groaned. "I sure wouldn't mind a good foot-rub myself!"
"She's putting Faramir to bed" Estella told him and rubbed Merry's feet a little gentler. "I should be doing the same… Théodoc needs to get to bed."
"No hurry" Merry groaned. "Just keep rubbing…"
"Am I hurting you?" Estella asked.
"Don't stop… You're doing great!"
"Why does Diamond have to take so long?" Pippin whined and jealously glanced at Merry. He would much rather have his feet rubbed by Diamond than have to do it himself. His hands were starting to ache from the hard rubbing.
Merry let his arms fall down the side of his chair and groaned again. His feet were starting to feel better now, and Estella's rubbing hands were softening a bit. He felt incredibly thankful that he didn't have to go outside again this evening, he could just stay here in his warm chair and hopefully have Estella crawl up in his lap when she was done rubbing his feet. That seemed like the perfect evening right now, just sitting in his chair with Estella resting her warm face by his neck and his arms resting around her.
He opened his eyes at the sound of Diamond entering, and the sound of a pleased cry from Pippin who apparently saw his chances of getting a foot-rub increasing. Merry turned his head and saw that Diamond was not alone. She had Merry's second cousin Ilberic with her and one look at his face made it clear that it was not a courtesy visit. It didn't take Merry many seconds to realise that he probably wouldn't be getting the kind of evening he was hoping for.
"Merry" Diamond said. "Your second cousin is here to see you. He says it's urgent!"
"Come on in, Ilberic" Merry said. "Have a seat. Can I offer you something to drink? I was just about to suggest that Diamond would go get us some hot cider!"
Pippin gave Merry a murderous look as Diamond took the last comment as a request and hurried off to get the hot drinks. Him and his feet seemed to be on their own this evening.
"I have to decline your offer, cousin Merry" Ilberic said and bowed nervously. "I have come in a much urgent matter! It's my wife, see? You remember her?"
"Of course I do" Merry said. "Salvia. You were married last year."
"Yes, that's the lass!" Ilberic nodded. "She is expecting our first child, see? And things are not going well for her, her time has come, and things aren't going well."
Estella eyed Merry. She had felt him tense up a bit, and she couldn't understand why. She wondered if she should leave his feet for now and rub his shoulders instead, they seemed to be in much greater need of a massage at the moment.
"I was told you were the one to turn to in such cases" Ilberic nervously said. "Salvia's mother is her midwife you see, and she helped deliver another child a year ago when things didn't go well and you were called upon! She told me that I should come get you."
"I'm sorry, Ilberic" Merry said. "I wish I could have spared you this cold ride. But I do not believe I can be of any assistance to you or your wife. I'm sorry."
Pippin and Estella both had trouble keeping from glaring at Merry with surprised eyes. They both knew perfectly well that Merry was more than able to assist Ilberic's wife, and they couldn't understand why he was claiming differently.
"You must!" Ilberic said, his voice hinting on desperation. "You must help her!"
"Would you pardon us for a minute?" Pippin said, eyeing Merry. "I just remembered I have something very important to say to Merry!"
"More important than this?" Ilberic asked.
Pippin didn't reply. He was already halfway through the door with Merry reluctantly following. They went into the next room, leaving Estella alone with the very upset Ilberic. She rose from her seat on the floor and lifted little Théodoc up, wondering how the baby's presence was making the nervous father-to-be feel. Gently she urged him to have a seat, but Ilberic declined, far too nervous to be able to sit down.
In the next room, Pippin locked his eyes with Merry and was not planning on letting them go before this new matter was sorted out.
"Why are you saying to him that you cannot help?" he asked. "You and I both know that you can. He is your cousin, once removed, why are you not willing to help him?"
"You know that I would help him if I could" Merry said.
"Then why don't you? You and I both know that you can assist at a childbirth. You don't even know what the matter is yet, and still you're telling him that you cannot help. Merry if this is about Diamond--"
"Pippin I cannot help his wife!"
"You did nothing wrong with Diamond!" Pippin said, ignoring Merry's comment. "What are you afraid of? You did what you had to do, there is no reason why you would be unable to help Salvia Brandybuck!"
"If the baby is breech--"
"You do not know that it is! It could be something entirely different! It could even be nothing more than an overly concerned grandmother-to-be! But you have to go and see, you have to help in whatever way you can!"
"If--"
"If it is breech then instruct Salvia's mother! You do not have to turn the baby yourself, let someone else do it. But be there!"
"Pippin I can't" Merry said. "Do you understand me? I can't! I barely know this lass, I cannot be of any help to her!"
"You don't have to know a person to save her life."
"I failed Diamond!" Merry said, barely able to keep his voice down. "I failed your wife, her life was in my hands and I failed her. Your wife, Pippin! Aside from my own wife there is no other lass I could have more concern for in that moment. If I could fail Diamond then I will surely fail Salvia, or any other lass!"
"Listen to yourself!" Pippin said. "Failed? How did you fail her? Yes, her life was in your hands, and she's alive, we have a precious baby boy who is also very much alive, because of you! That is all that matters, and I will not have you believe that you failed in any way!"
"What if Salvia is left barren?"
"Why would she be? And even if she were, would you rather have her die?"
Merry broke from Pippin's eyes, and Pippin let him. They were both silent for a minute. Pippin was the one who broke the silence.
"Now go in there and tell Ilberic that you will go see his wife. You must believe in your own ability, my dear cousin. Diamond is alive and healthy, Faramir is too. Remember that. And if there is still any doubt in your mind go out there and ask Ilberic if he would prefer leaving his wife without help or putting her at a very small risk of being left barren. If he has any sense in that head of his he would tell you right away that all that matters is that you come help Salvia. You know I'm right."
With that Pippin turned Merry around and pushed him back into the other room, where Estella and Diamond were trying to convince Ilberic to have at least a mug of hot cider. Ilberic declined them once again, and looked at Merry hopefully and impatiently. Merry took a look at Pippin and then sighed.
"Is your pony waiting outside, cousin Ilberic?" he asked. "I will ride ahead. You can stay here and wait for morning if you'd like, if not I'm sure Pippin can help you get my pony ready."
Without waiting for an answer Merry hurried down the hall, followed by Estella. She said nothing as he grabbed his coat and sighed deeply at the thought of having to go back outside, but she eyed him thoughtfully. She then handed him his cape and placed a kiss on his cheek.
"I do not know what caused you to hesitate" she said. "But I'm glad you changed your mind. I wish you didn't have to go back outside…"
"At least I'll be sitting on the back of a pony" Merry said. "My feet will be safely kept from the snow."
"I shall be hoping to find you in bed when I wake up tomorrow morning" Estella said and kissed him again, this time on the lips. "And I hope things go well for Salvia."
"Kiss Théodoc goodnight for me" Merry said and left.
The next morning Pippin was getting himself some breakfast when Merry came back home, and he would always remember the way his cousin looked on that particular March morning. He was cold and tired, but there was a small but very real smile on his face. Estella and Diamond, who had just finished eating their breakfasts, both rose from their chairs when Merry came into the room, one grabbing his cape and coat and the other hurriedly starting to cook him breakfast. Merry sank down in the nearest chair and lifted Éowyn into his arms, smiling a bit wider when she put her tiny arms around his neck and hugged him.
Estella fell on her knees by his feet and quickly began to rub his cold feet like she had the night before and Diamond placed a large breakfast in front of him. Merry only smiled, not saying a word until his breakfast was finished and his feet were warmed up again. Then he smiled slightly and looked at Pippin.
"I didn't fail her" he said. "Just like you knew I wouldn't."
Pippin nodded.
"No, you didn't fail her" he said.
The summer of 1431 was nowhere near as hot as the previous summer had been. The Shire quickly got back on its feet and whatever damage had been done by the weather the year before was quickly healed by the hardworking halflings. In April Rosie Gamgee had given birth to a daughter, who was named after the blond curls on her head, and in early May the Gamgees, Tooks and Brandybucks all gathered at Bag End to celebrate that between the three of them, Sam, Pippin and Merry now had nine children – as many as there had been members in the Fellowship of the Ring. And that was a good a reason as any to celebrate.
Elanor Gamgee was ten years old by now, and a very pretty child. She was very shy, even in front of her father's best friends, but when her old nanny Estella entrusted her with the job of looking after 21 month old Éowyn she quickly warmed up and came out of her shell.
Frodo Gamgee was almost eight, and he and his two years younger sister Rosie were much fascinated by their guests who told them such extraordinary stories of Elves and trolls and wizards, stories which Sam himself hadn't told his children since he felt they were too young. Merry and Pippin however claimed that was nonsense, and were more than happy to excite the young children with the more innocent stories they had to tell. Their little Gamgee namesakes were four and two years old and had already been put to bed when the storytelling began, but Pippin vowed that when the child carrying his name got older he would hear everything Pippin had to tell him of his own adventures, to which Diamond dryly commented that it would be very nice if he could consider sharing some of those stories with his wife first.
When all the children were asleep the six adults looked back on the months that had passed since they had last seen each other on September 22nd. Sam had never even seen little Théodoc, for he had been too busy with his job as the mayor to come and bring his wife home after the birth of Merry's son. Of the names Faramir and Théodoc all he had to say was that they had been named after each other's father if Sam hadn't already given their names to two of his sons.
For a week the inhabitants at Crickhollow stayed at Bag End, and when they left the three fellowship members were all wondering if they would get a chance to see each other again before September 22nd.
After the much welcomed summer, autumn came once again and with it came three birthday celebrations. Éowyn had her second birthday, followed by Faramir and Théodoc having their first. On the evening of Théodoc's birthday Estella stood in the room where her son had been born and looked out the window. Last year she had seen snow fall on this night, this year they were still in autumn. Hopefully the approaching winter would not be as cold and snowy as the previous one had been, she worried much over Merry's health, especially during the middle of March. He always seemed low and tired during that time, as if feeling pain from an old wound. The past winter with its snowfall and unusually low temperatures had only made his condition worse, and for two days he had been in bed. Once he had gotten back up on his feet again it had been as if nothing had happened, but Estella couldn't forget. She was worried, she had no idea what wounds he might be carrying from his past, aside from the dark scar he carried on his forehead. She hoped that the winter ahead of them would be gentle and not put such a strain on him.
But it was not just the weather's impact on him that worried her. He had been working hard this year, not only at Crickhollow but with medicine. His return to the Shire years earlier and scouring of the Shire had resulted in many Hobbits seeing him as an honourable and dependable hero, and his growing interest in medicine had established him as a role model and a doctor. Hobbits often turned to him when they were sick, and during the past week he had often been called upon to tend to some poor Hobbit with the flue. Estella had barely seen him at all in the past week, not even today on their son's birthday had been able to stay at home.
Estella remained in the room of her son's birth for a long while, until it was well past dusk, and then slowly went back to the nursery where Théodoc and Éowyn were asleep. She sat by their beds for a little while, watching them sleep, before she was ready to go to sleep herself. She then rose and went to her own bedroom, where the bed was empty. Merry was still not home. She sighed deeply and crawled into bed, wishing he could just be an ordinary Hobbit like everybody else. She felt his place was at home with her and the children, but the rest of Buckland seemed to think his place was in their homes, taking care of their sick ones.
Merry found her asleep when he came back that night. He couldn't help but feel guilty when he saw her, even though she wasn't likely to say anything he knew she was upset with him for being away this evening. And Merry couldn't blame her – it was their son's birthday and he hadn't been there. Not that it made a difference to Théodoc, but to Estella it made a huge difference and he knew it. But he hadn't been able to say no when he had been visited by the feverish Hobbit who only asked for something to help cure his family who was sick in the flue, he had never expected it to take as long as it had. It had turned out to be much worse than he had expected, the family had a three year-old son who was probably not going to survive. Merry hated flue years, they always took the lives of some of the youngest and oldest, and this year he knew he would have to be the one to tell anxious parents that their child didn't stand much chance of recovery.
He was already undressed and ready to get into bed, but changed his mind and pulled his robe around him. He left his and Estella's bedroom and went into the nursery, sitting just as his wife had earlier that night by their children's side, watching them sleep peacefully. How did it feel to be told your child was most likely going to die, he wondered. Could you even realise it? He gently stroke Éowyn's cheek with his hand and placed a kiss on Théodoc's forehead. At least his children were healthy, showing no signs of the flue. They were much more isolated out at Crickhollow than at many other places and Merry was very glad that they weren't living at Brandy Hall, where every hall was filled with Hobbits.
A month later the flue came to Crickhollow. It was Théodoc who first showed signs, and after three days all three children were in bed with aching heads and throats, and burning with fever. Merry searched through all of his herbs, hoping to find athalas, probably very dry by now but better than nothing. He found nothing, and had to trust to his regular herbs when hoping to be able to cure the children.
He was sitting in the nursery with Estella, who had hardly said a word during the past days. They only slept for a few hours each night, taking turns, the rest of their time they spent with their two little children. Estella's silence was driving Merry crazy, he felt like her silence was blame, blaming him for bringing the flue to their home and to their children.
"Say something" he begged her on the fifth night since Théodoc had first shown signs of the flue. "Speak with me."
"What should I say?" Estella asked, gently stroking Théo's cheek.
"Anything at all" Merry said. "Just say something."
"He is so little…" Estella said, her voice filled with sadness and worry. "Barely even a year old! So little, so frail… It is always the small and frail who die first."
"He will not die" Merry said firmly.
"And Éowyn…" Estella continued as if not having heard him. "She is only a year older. Children much older than she is have already died!"
"She is not going to die, and neither is Théodoc! Neither one of them is going to die this winter Estella!"
"My babies… So little and frail…"
Merry wished he hadn't asked her to speak. Her words seemed more like accusations than her silence, and he knew that he could not promise her that the children would live. Théo had been ill for nearly five days, not showing any signs of getting any better, and Éowyn was not doing much better. They were indeed so little and frail, and there was only so much their little bodies could handle.
"My little ones…" Estella continued. "My precious little babies…"
Unable to take anymore of it, Merry rose and began to pace back and forth in the room. Estella quieted and looked at him.
"Pacing a hole in the ground will not help them" she said at last. "Sit down, Merry."
"I cannot sit" Merry said. "Cannot sit and do nothing!"
"Then go make another one of your brews" Estella said, getting impatient. "That's all you ever do these days. Make your brews and pace!"
"I must do something!" Merry said. "And at least I know that the brews give them some fluids, heal their soar throats and aching heads! It's better than to just sit here!"
"I do far more than just sit here" Estella snarled, taking his words as an accusation. "It is I who place wet cloths on their burning foreheads! It is I who at least try to make Éowyn eat some soup and Théodoc nurse! I am the one who shush them and rock them to sleep when they wake up crying from the soar throats and headaches you claim to have cured!"
"Don't try to tell me I haven't done the same!" Merry snapped. "I got no sleep at all last night, just pacing back and forth with Théo, hoping he would not wake you or Éowyn!"
"There you go again" Estella said. "Pacing."
"You sure don't mind that I pace back and forth from the kitchen! Those soups you speak of, who makes them?"
"I cannot make them" Estella said. "I have to sit here! When they wake up and cry for their mother, who else would you have be here?"
"I guess it is of no importance that Éowyn cries out for me more than she cries for you!" Merry harshly replied.
Their argument was interrupted by Théodoc waking up and starting to cry, but only for a brief moment.
"Are you happy now?" Estella angrily asked and lifted Théodoc from his bed a little less gently than she usually would have.
"Pardon me dear, but I believe it was you who began this discussion!" Merry replied, just as angry.
"Oh it was, was it?" Estella said and began walking back and forth with Théo, gently bouncing him up and down. "Tell me, who was it that urged me to speak?"
"You call this speaking?" Merry asked. "Arguing is the term I would choose! And now who is pacing?"
"You woke the baby!"
"So did you!"
Théodoc cried harder at the hard tones in his parents' voices, waking Éowyn up and causing her to cry as well.
"See now what you did?" Estella angrily asked.
"Oh of course it was me" Merry snarled and lifted Éowyn from her bed. "Who else would there be to blame? This argument was because of me, the children waking up was because of me and the flue was most definitely because of me!"
"Get out of here" Estella angrily said. "Take Éowyn someplace else and make yourself useful for once! And the next time you feel like an argument should be in order, try not to wake up the children!"
Merry didn't bother replying, he followed orders and left with Éowyn for the kitchen. Éowyn could feel his anger and it scared her, her sobbing increasing. Merry searched through the cabinets and found some sugar which he tried to bribe the lass with, but she refused to take it. Angrily he sighed and sat down on a chair.
"There now…" he mumbled. "It's okay…"
When Éowyn showed no signs of calming down he rose and grabbed a cloth which he quickly wet and used to wipe her sweaty forehead. He then wiped her face, neck and arms, hoping that it would cool her off a bit. It at least seemed to have a soothing affect on him, and that rubbed off on Éowyn.
"There's a good lass…" he mumbled and sat down again. "There's Dad's big girl…"
After a while Éowyn calmed down and went from crying to lightly sobbing, and this time she took the sugar lump she was offered. Merry gently rocked her back and forth and hummed an old tune he had learned in Lothlórien and after a while Éowyn had stopped crying all-together.
"My head hurts" she complained.
"I know it does, sweetheart…" Merry said. "I know it does. It will get better."
"When?"
"In a day or two."
"I want it to be better now!"
"I know…" Merry said. "I want it to be better now too."
Pippin entered the kitchen and grabbed a carrot. He sat down next to Merry and Éowyn and began chewing on the carrot, barely aware of what he was eating.
"How's Faramir?" Merry asked.
"He has got a fever" Pippin mumbled. "You couldn't tell just by looking at him that he's ill… His cheeks are so rosy! He will get better, won't he?"
"I hope so" Merry said.
"Merry?" Pippin said. "Would it be okay if we moved Faramir to your nursery? It's just so… quiet in ours. We feel so isolated. And I for one would feel much better if you were there, keeping an eye on him."
"I don't think that's a very good idea, Pippin" Merry said and sighed. "He won't get much rest there…"
"Why, what's the matter?" Pippin asked. "It's not Théodoc, is it? Oh Merry, don't tell me that he…"
"It's not as much the children as it is the parents" Merry said with a sigh. "Théo is fine, at least for the time being. Estella and I however…"
"Are you fighting?" Pippin asked.
"Actually we're not speaking" Merry said. "Or we weren't… we broke the silence to fight a little."
"Oh I'm sorry…" Pippin said. "It's the stress of having the children sick! At least Diamond and I only have one to worry about, but with two…"
"No, it's not that" Merry said. "She blames me for all this."
"She does not."
"Yes she does" Merry said with a sigh. "And at the moment I am ordered to stay away from the nursery."
"Whatever she's said…" Pippin said, "she did not mean it. I know I once called Diamond a toad when we were arguing, she was pretty mad at me, but she knew I didn't mean it. None of us have slept or ate much, and we're all so worried about the little ones! It makes us say and do thing we wouldn't otherwise."
"No Pip, she blames me" Merry said. "And I don't blame her…"
"Enough with the blame" Pippin said softly. "Listen, why don't you and Éowyn come with me back to Faramir's nursery? I could really use some company, Diamond has not slept much at all and needs to get some rest, and it would be so much easier for me to have you there. Even though we're in the same hole it feels like we're miles apart. I'm not used to being so far from you during a crisis."
"I'm sorry" Merry said. "I wish I could be there for you more. But the children--"
"They come first" Pippin said. "I know. I feel the same way. But come with me now, give Estella some room and time to calm herself, everything will look brighter in the morning!"
"I do wonder…" Merry said. "What if the morning only brings more darkness?"
"Come now" Pippin said. "Don't talk like that. The dawning will break, be sure of it. Come with me now…"
Merry obediently followed Pippin to Faramir's nursery, where they found Diamond passed out on a small sofa. Pippin gently lifted Faramir up, careful not to wake Diamond up, and together with Merry left the nursery.
Pippin awoke to a badly aching head the next morning, and quickly discovered that his throat wasn't doing much better than his head. He carefully opened his eyes, squinting at the bright lights in the room, and felt glad to find Merry next to him in the bed. Between them slept Éowyn and Faramir, looking so peaceful that Pippin had a terrified moment before he had felt their breaths against his hands and was sure that they were still alive.
Merry groaned next to him and reluctantly opened his eyes. He looked as bad as Pippin felt, and the two shared a look and a sigh. This was definitely not what they needed.
"I hope Estella's feeling as bad as I am" Merry mumbled. "That's the only excuse I'll accept for not coming to see where her daughter is!"
"Maybe she did come by but didn't want to wake us?" Pippin suggested.
"No… She would have taken Éowyn with her."
There was a knock on the door and Pippin mumbled something that sounded like "enter". The door opened and one of the Hobbits hired to work in the orchard during harvesting entered, not so cleverly disguising his surprise of finding Merry in the bed with Pippin instead of Diamond. Pippin struggled to remember the name of the Hobbit, but all he knew was that they had asked him to do their stable chores until the children got better. Apparently something was wrong out in the stables, but as long as it hadn't burned to the ground Pippin didn't care. He was not going to get out of bed and stick his nose out the door no matter what was wrong.
"Master Pippin…" the Hobbit said hesitantly.
"Yes" Pippin mumbled.
"Master Pippin… Are you all right? Master Merry?"
"What's wrong out in the stables?" Merry asked with much more patience in his voice than Pippin would have been able to muster.
"Everything is fine" the answer came. "But the brown cow with the white ears is not giving any more milk. I just thought I should report that."
"Good. Thank you" Merry said.
"Is everything okay?" the worried voice asked. "Where is Madam Diamond?"
"Go look in the nursery, I think she's still asleep there" Pippin mumbled. "Merry won't you get out of bed and fix a nice brew for your favourite cousin?"
Merry groaned and didn't move for a while. Then he sat up and rubbed his eyes, and got out of bed carefully, trying not to wake the children who were still asleep. He yawned big and noticed that the Hobbit was still standing in the doorway.
"Was there anything else, Dergo?" he asked.
"Dergo…" came a mumble from Pippin. "I knew I could come up with the name…"
"Master Merry, are you sure you're okay?" Dergo asked, seeming unsure of which foot to stand on. "Can I get you anything?"
"Thank you, that's very kind, but we're just tired…" Merry said, although he wasn't feeling a bit better than Pippin. "Éowyn and I were up for a very long time tonight, her throat is very soar, and then Faramir woke up as well… I haven't slept much. But they're both asleep now, I shall be getting some rest too."
"That's why they're sleeping so peacefully now…" Pippin realised and buried his face in his pillow hoping to block out the bright lights. "Why didn't you wake me?"
"It was nothing I couldn't handle alone" Merry said. "Dergo, thanks, you're a great help with the animals. You can go home now if everything is finished out there."
Dergo nodded and left, not the least bit convinced that it was only fatigue that was wrong with Merry. Pippin went back to sleep and Merry stumbled off to cook something up which would help himself and Pippin. They couldn't afford to be sick now, the children needed them. They had to stay on their feet. He looked through his herbs and made a stronger brew for himself and Pippin than he had for the children. Regardless of what happened they would have to stay on their feet and take care of their sick children, but with this brew it would at least be a little easier. Merry hoped Estella and Diamond were feeling better than himself and Pippin, it would be much easier if they were feeling well.
Pippin was not happy about being woken up again when Merry returned to give him the brew. He was barely aware that he was drinking anything and went right back to sleep once his mug was empty. Merry decided to leave Éowyn where she was, he didn't want to wake her up now that she was finally sleeping, and he trusted Pippin to be able to look after her once she woke up. He went back to the nursery to check on Théodoc, and found him asleep in his bed. Estella was sitting next to him on a chair, looking ready to fall asleep at any moment.
"Hey…" Merry said softly.
"So there you are" she said, managing to sound mad in the middle of her fatigue. "I've been up all night waiting for you to come back so I could go and get some sleep!"
"Go now" Merry said, not feeling up to fighting with her. "I will stay and sit by him. You go and get some sleep."
"Where's Éowyn?"
"She's in good hands, don't you worry."
"In other words Pippin, and I do worry" Estella snarled and got on her feet.
"Leave Pippin out of this…" Merry said and sunk down in the chair she had been sitting in. "Éowyn is fine. I promise. Go to bed."
Estella strode off, and with a sigh Merry wondered for how long she was going to pick a fight with him every time either one of them opened their mouth. She hadn't looked like she was feeling much better than he did, but apparently she still had the energy to be angry with him. At least that was something, it was when she had no energy to do anything at all he would have to start to worry about her.
Merry placed his hand on Théodoc's forehead but he couldn't tell if his fever had gone up or down. At least the boy was still breathing, and seemed to be sleeping peacefully at the moment. Merry knew he could use a whole lot more sleep himself, but he couldn't even let himself think about it until the children were feeling better. Not that he believed Théodoc would die if he lowered his guard and went to sleep, but it seemed as if Estella did and the last thing he needed was to fight with her again.
Merry leaned his upper body on the bed, fixating his eyes on Théodoc and hoping he would be able to stay awake. Théo didn't seem to be doing any better, it had been five days now and no improvement. A fear was growing in Merry's heart, he was beginning to realise that he was in a great risk of getting to experience what it was like to lose a child. He could not imagine what that would be like, he didn't want to know. His little son had done no wrong, he didn't deserve to die like this, and Merry wished with all his might that the lad would pull through. He wondered how Estella would react if Théodoc didn't make it. Would she ever be able to look at Merry the same way again? Would that be the end of her love for him? Up until now, Merry hadn't believed that anything could end his and Estella's love, but the loss of a child, especially when Merry was to blame, could very well put and end to all the wonderful things he and Estella had shared over the past years. He would love Estella no matter what happened, but he doubted that she would be able to love him. He wondered if he would be able to still love her if Théodoc's possible death was her fault.
He looked at his son and begged silently. He begged for his son's life, trying desperately to fight the feeling that it was slipping away from him. If Théodoc died Merry didn't know what he was going to do.
"Merry!"
Merry was shaken awake by a familiar hand and a familiar voice, and he awoke with a start. He had fallen asleep, he had let his guard down and fallen asleep with his head resting right by his son, who still slept his feverish sleep.
"Meriadoc!"
"Théodoc!" Merry exclaimed, and quickly made sure the lad was breathing. His heart was in his throat, he could not believe he had been so careless as to fall asleep.
"Meriadoc. You should get to bed."
"No, I cannot sleep" Merry mumbled and grabbed a cloth to place on the child's forehead. "He is ill!"
"It is all-right… Théodoc is fine. You need to sleep."
It was his father's voice, and his father's hand resting on his shoulder, his father who had woken him up. Merry did not know why he was there, but the familiar voice sounded so comforting and calming it made his eyes tear. For a second he wished he was a little lad again, who could just curl up in his bed and be taken care of by his parents. But that thought passed in an instant, he was grown up and he had his own little son who needed his attention. He was furious with himself for having fallen asleep, and he didn't wish to know what Estella would say.
"Meriadoc, get into bed" Saradoc Brandybuck said. "You have a fever. You need to rest. Théodoc is in good hands."
"I cannot…"
"You can, and you will." Saradoc said. "Dergo Proudfoot came to the Hall and told us of your condition. I am worried about you. You must get into bed. Go and rest and regain your strength, your son and daughter will be in good hands!"
"Éowyn…" Merry mumbled. "She's still with Pippin!"
"I thought so" Saradoc said. "I didn't find her here or with Estella. I shall go have a look and see how Pippin is feeling once I've gotten you into bed. His wife seems to be the only one still feeling reasonably well, but she cannot tend to three sick children and as many adults on her own!"
"Father, I… I must stay by his side!"
"He is your son, and you are worried" Saradoc said. "You are my son, and I am also worried. I will not have you sit here and only make your own condition worse!"
"Nonsense father" Merry mumbled. "It is nothing I can't handle. Théo is just a little child, he needs care and I am his father, I cannot leave his side!"
"You trust me to look after him properly, don't you?" Saradoc said. "I have come to help you, and help you I shall. You need and deserve to be taken care of son, go lie down in your own bed and I shall bring you something to help make you feel better."
"No…" Merry said. "Five days has he been ill now. Father I fear he won't recover. I cannot just leave him and go lie down in my own bed, I don't care about my needs, nothing matters as long as he is in danger of dying!"
"You can be of no aid to him when you are as sick as he is" Saradoc calmly insisted. "Meriadoc, my son, I will see to it that Théodoc is taken care of as good as he possibly could be. And do not give up hope just yet, you are a remarkably strong Hobbit and he is your son. Has he got only half of your strength then I would give him another day or two before I give up hope. Now for the last time, get into your own bed and get some rest. I promise I will wake you up if anything happens."
Saradoc then more or less lifted Merry from his chair and once he was on his feet Merry realised that he was indeed feeling much worse than he had thought. The room was spinning around him and every breath was painful. He leaned heavily on his father, realising that he was indeed right and there was nothing that he could do for his son in his current condition that his father couldn't do ten times better. With the help of his father he slowly made his way to his and Estella's bedroom, where Estella was lying in bed, awake but not feeling well at all.
Saradoc sat Merry down on the bed and undressed him, then he helped him get into bed and tucked him in as if he had been five years old. Merry was surprised to see his mother enter, handing a mug over to Estella who managed to sit up in bed. It hadn't occurred to him that if his father was there his mother might very well have come too.
"Here's your tea, love…" Esmeralda Brandybuck said to her daughter-in-law, and then she turned her attention to her son. "Merry! How are you feeling?"
"Under the weather" Saradoc replied in his son's place. "But far from willing to leave his son's bedside. Had it not been for the fact that he will soon faint unless he gets something to eat and drink shortly followed by a long sleep, I don't think I would have been able to pull him from Théodoc's side."
"Let me go see how the poor darling is doing" Esmeralda said and hurried off to check on her grandson.
Saradoc left to go get Merry some soup, and Merry glanced over at Estella who was quietly sipping her tea. The look on her face was less than friendly, but she seemed to be grateful that her parents-in-law had come to take on some of her heavy burden. Merry didn't say anything to her, he wished to keep from fighting with her, but he was glad to see that she was being taken care of. He didn't care much for his own condition, since he was the one who had brought the flue to the hole it was only fair that he would spend all his energy on the children he had given the flue to, never mind his own condition, but Estella had nothing to do with their illness and deserved to be taken care of.
When Saradoc returned with some soup for Merry, Estella's tea was already finished and she had fallen asleep. Merry thanked his father and obediently ate some of the soup, even though he didn't feel up to it. He then laid down and sighed deeply, wishing there was something more he could do. His father, who was sitting in Merry's favourite wicker chair which he had pulled up to the bed, placed his hand on his son's forehead and looked concerned.
"Rest now, Meriadoc" he said. "You much need it."
"I can't afford to rest" Merry said. "Where is Éowyn?"
"Your mother has just brought her back to the nursery" Saradoc told him. "Pippin is not doing much better than you are, but at least Diamond is still feeling okay and is taking care of him and the baby. You need to rest now. Mother and I are here, and we're not going anywhere. We will keep your children under observation, don't you worry about a thing! All you need to worry about is yourself…"
"No" Merry said, shaking his head. "They're my children!"
"And you are ours. Meriadoc… Remember that what you feel when you look at Éowyn and Théodoc is what Mother and I feel when we look at you. And all your worries and concerns for your children are Esmeralda's and mine for you. And we love our grandchildren, they will find comfort and love in us until you and your wife are able to take care of them yourselves. Now rest son, please."
"All right…" Merry said, finally giving way for how tired he was. "But only for a little wile."
Moments later he was asleep, for the first time in nearly a week setting his worries aside and allowing himself to rest. His parents were there, he knew they would take good care of his children and wake him up if something was wrong.
Merry had only intended on sleeping for a little while, but the flue had gotten a firm hold of him, and for the following three days he was barely aware of what was going on around him. He was vaguely aware that Estella was with him, and that Pippin was not. Whenever he awoke from his sleep one of his parents was right by his side, giving him something to easen the aching head and throat, some soup to eat or some water to drink. Neither one of them ever mentioned Théodoc or Éowyn, easening Merry's worries for them since he would have been told if either one of them got any worse.
In his feverishly sleep, Merry found himself back in Rohan, sitting by king Théoden, riding with Dernhelm, facing the Witch King and a dozen other fears, often tossing and turning in his sleep and waking his wife up much more often than he was aware of. Whenever his nightmares were too bad he would wake up from them, panting and sweating worse than from just the fever, and often finding his mother's comforting arms around him or his father's comforting reassurances that everything was fine. Often in his sleep he would call out for Pippin, or mumble the names of the members of the fellowship or the humans he held dear. Nobody whose name he said ever came, the only one close enough was Pippin who was sleeping his own fever sleep in his own bedroom, so close but yet so far away.
On the evening on the third night after Saradoc and Esmeralda had come to Crickhollow, Merry for the first time felt better. He managed to sit up in bed and eat his soup, and was for the first time aware of what he was doing. The previous days were just one huge mixture of dream and feverish reality in his memory, and he could not for the life of him recall what had been for real and what had been merely a dream. But now he was feeling better and even though he was tired and very weak he was at least feeling a bit hungry again. His mother gave him a soup made mainly out of potatoes, which she claimed was the best thing for him to eat, and he hungrily ate his whole serving before lying back down again. He glanced over at the other side of the bed and to his surprise found Pippin there instead of Estella.
"Pip?" he said, causing his mother to laugh at the surprised tone in his voice.
"You have no idea how comforting it was to hear you say that you were hungry" Pippin told him, smiling weakly. "By now I've learned that when you complain about your hunger you have defeated your illness."
"What are you doing here?" Merry asked.
"Estella was feeling better last night" Esmeralda told him. "She wanted to get out of bed and be with the little ones. Your father and I helped move Pippin over here so we could keep an eye on you both, and take some of the burden off Diamond's shoulders. Pippin was feeling a lot better this morning, weren't you Pippin?"
"Indeed I was" Pippin said. "Isn't it amazing what the loving care of your aunt and uncle can do?"
"The little ones" Merry mumbled, having ceased to listen after the mentioning of the children. He turned to his mother. "How are Éowyn and Théodoc?"
"Much better" Esmeralda said with a warm smile. "Didn't Father tell you? They're your children, and as such they have much more strength than what one might think. Éowyn was doing much better the same night we came, and her little brother's fever went down the next morning. He is now nursing again, and Estella has hardly let her out of her arms since she got to him last night. They will both be fine."
"What about Faramir?" Pippin asked, nudging his cousin. "Don't you want to know how my son is doing, Merry?"
"He is doing just fine as well" Esmeralda said. "Pippin just likes to hear me say it, that's why he wants you to ask."
"Tell me about Théodoc again" Merry said, a smile forming on his lips. "Is he really doing all right?"
"He's recovering fast."
"How long have I been in bed?" Merry asked and yawned big. "I feel like I could sleep for another week…"
"Father and I have now been here for three days" his mother told him. "And bless that Dergo Proudfoot for riding to Brandy Hall and telling us that he was mighty worried about you two! If Saradoc and I hadn't come I think your life would have been in greater risk than your son's."
"It's going to take more than just the flue to take down old Merry" Pippin said and curled up in a foetal position. "And now that I have seen you eat and heard you talk, I shall be getting some more rest."
"You should too" Esmeralda said to Merry. "I will not let you out of this bed for at least another day. Merry!"
Merry had ignored his mother's comment on bed rest and already flung his legs over the side of the bed. He was a little unsure of whether or not he could stand on them, but he was determined to give it a try.
"Did you hear what I said?" his mother asked and was immediately by his side trying to get him to lie down again. "You need your rest or you will only get sick again!"
"I have to see my children" Merry said. "I cannot rest until I have seen that they're okay with my own eyes."
"Then I shall bring them to you" Esmeralda said. "Lie back down and I will let you see Éowyn and Théodoc for a little while! And then you're going to sleep, this time without dreaming any bad dreams. Now do as your mother says!"
Merry obediently laid back down and Esmeralda left the room to bring the children. She returned with Éowyn in her arms and Estella in tow. Estella was indeed unwilling to let Théodoc out of her arms, even for Merry to hold for a while, but at least he got to see his son and know that he was okay. Éowyn on the other hand crawled up in bed next to her father and placed her tiny little hand on his forehead to see if he had a fever, just like the grown-ups had done with her and she had seen her grandparents do with her father.
"Are you feeling better, Da?" she asked.
"Much better" Merry assured her. "How about you?"
"Better" she told him. "Like you said I would."
"Yes" Merry said. "And what about Mother? How is she doing?"
"She's clingy" Éowyn said.
Esmeralda laughed and lifted Éowyn up.
"Come along now, sugar lump!" she said. "Give your father his rest."
She left the room with Éowyn, followed by Estella and Théodoc. Merry relaxed a bit and thanked the powers that be that both his children had made it through. On the morning when his parents had arrived he had been ready to give up hope of Théodoc, but he was doing better now and everything would be fine. Perhaps now Estella would forgive him, even though she hadn't shown many signs of it just now. He missed her, and no matter how glad he was to have Pippin there with him he would rather have Estella there, snuggling with him and sharing thoughts in the night. He would have to sit down and talk with her as soon as he got better and see if they could work this out.
Saradoc entered the room and sat down in the wicker chair, placing his hand on Merry's forehead.
"Your fever has gone down" he said. "I'm happy to hear that you have been eating."
"I'm still hungry" Merry admitted.
"You will get as much food as you can eat in a day or two" Saradoc assured him. "But don't eat too much too fast or you will give yourself a stomach ache. I'm very happy to see that you're doing better."
"You were right" Merry said. "I did need to rest. And Théodoc was safe in your care. I cannot begin to thank you and Mother."
"Don't" his father said. "Just rest and get well again."
A few days later they were all seated in the sitting room except for Diamond who was the last one of the inhabitants at Crickhollow to get sick. Pippin was more than happy to take good care of her, feeling that he owed it to her to make sure she was as comfortable as could be. Not only because she had looked after both him and Faramir at the same time, but because he was feeling guilty. Diamond had been speaking lately about having a second child, but Pippin knew far too well that she would not be able to have one, still he wasn't able to tell her. He had asked Merry not to say anything to her, he had decided that it was better if she didn't know. Knowing would only make her sad, and it wouldn't change the truth, so Pippin had seen no point in telling her that she was barren. But now that she was talking about wanting a second child he was getting uneasy, since he had never lied to her before but now he pretended that he believed they could have another baby. Merry had joked that Pippin saw Diamond's illness as the perfect opportunity to rid himself of some guilt by fussing over her as much as he possibly could, and he had been closer to the truth than he would ever have guessed.
At the time being however, Diamond was sleeping, and Pippin was enjoying an evening in front of the fireside with his aunt, uncle and Merry's family. He was comfortably seated in his favourite armchair with Faramir sleeping in his arms and enjoyed every moment of the evening as much as he possibly could.
In the armchair opposite him Merry was seated, smoking his pipe and looking thoughtful. Estella was sitting on a stool by the fire and Esmeralda and Saradoc sat on the couch with a grandchild each in their lap. All three children were sleeping by now, and the grown-ups were speaking with soft voices careful not to wake the little ones up.
"I must thank you again" Estella said to her parents-in-law. "I do not know what we would have done had you not showed up. I cannot express how grateful I am."
"Do not thank us, dear. What else could we have done?" Esmeralda said. "As soon as we were told that Merry and Pippin had fallen ill as well we knew we had to come."
"And if we hadn't I'm quite sure Merry would have nearly killed himself with all his hours running back and forth between sick children and herbs" Saradoc added.
"Still worried about your mischievous son" Pippin laughed.
"You will learn over the years to come" Saradoc said. "You do not just stop caring because your child grows up. From the moment your child is born you begin a lifelong concern for that child's safety and well-being. It's part of being a parent. And in most cases you're spared from finding out one day that your child is missing, vanished without a trace, and is not seen or heard from in over a year."
"We're really sorry that we had to leave like that" Pippin said gently. "There was just no other way."
"Then one day that child you had finally accepted was likely dead is once again standing before you, returning home as a proud warrior. I hope that you know Meriadoc that we are proud of you. And not just like every parent is proud of their child no matter what they do. If anybody has ever earned his mastership over Buckland it is you."
"Thank you sir" Merry mumbled and looked away, trying to hide his blushing cheeks. He wasn't used to being praised by his parents this way, it made him a little uncomfortable. His eyes fell on Estella, who seemed to be occupied with her knitting. He wondered what she was thinking, surely she had no problem keeping from praising him.
"Okay…" Pippin said and rose from his chair. "I think it's time to get this little lad into bed. He's drooling on my shoulder! Goodnight to you all…"
"Pippin's right, it's time for all the children to go to bed" Esmeralda said. "Including ours."
"Did your hear that, Merry?" Pippin said with a laugh. "Right now I sure am glad my mother is at the Smials"
"Oh don't be glad just yet Peregrin, as often as you've been around you are like my son as well! And you are going straight to bed as well."
"You heard her Pip" Merry said. Now it was his time to laugh. "And you know Mother… She will come tuck you in if you're not in bed on your own in five minutes."
"I will check to see that you've gotten into bed after putting the little ones to sleep, I can assure you of that" Esmeralda said and rose with Éowyn.
"Thank you again for taking such great care of them" Estella said and put her knitting down. "I truly don't know how to thank you!"
"It is our pleasure" Esmeralda said. "We don't see enough of Éowyn and Théo… And you need your rest. Besides, they aren't the least bit of a bother. Théodoc is such a nice, calm child, and Éowyn…"
"Éowyn is just one big bundle of joyous energy" Merry said with a chuckle.
"And so were you" Esmeralda said with a smile.
"Yes, you didn't earn the nickname Merry for nothing" Saradoc added.
"I always thought that nickname was logical" Pippin said. "Meri-adoc."
"Actually it was Frodo Baggins who first started to call you Merry" Saradoc said. "You were born shortly after his parents' tragic death. I don't think he was very fond of you at first, to be honest, he wasn't much for infants. But it only took him a day or two to fall in love with you, during the first years after his parents' death he spent most of his love and energy on you, as if it were therapy. And just like Éowyn you were always in a good mood, you were only a few weeks old when Frodo started to call you Merry."
"And you never got rid of that nickname since" Esmeralda added. "Now hurry off to bed, both of you!"
"Thanks mother" Merry said and obediently headed for his bedroom, followed by Estella. When they were alone in their bedroom he looked at her and sighed. "Estella?"
"Yes?"
"I know that you are mad at me…" he began. "I know you must hate me! I brought the flue to Crickhollow, I nearly killed our son, I got not only Éowyn and yourself but also Pippin and his family sick! But please… I cannot be hated by you, not when I love you so much, I cannot have you hate me, I do not blame you for anything that you're feeling, I blame myself for all of what has happened, but please… I just can't handle you hating me! No matter how much I deserve it, I cannot be hated by you!"
"Merry…" Estella said and walked up to him, looking him in the eye. "I do not hate you! How could you think that? We would have gotten the flue sooner or later anyway, I do admit that a few days ago I was angry with you, but I'm not anymore. You could not have done anything any differently, but I have been selfish lately and wanted you to be at home more when other Hobbits have needed you. I didn't really see before, but now I do. You have been away a lot, but each time you have helped someone, like your parents have helped us. I do not know what would have happened if they hadn't helped us, and knowing that you've helped other families how can I hate you?"
"So you're not mad?" Merry said, begging her for forgiveness with his eyes.
"No, you fool of a Brandybuck!" she said and put her arms around him. "I'm not mad. And as for hatred, surely you must know that I could never hate you. I love you! Everything good and cheerful in my life is because of you. I could never hate you, no matter what happened." She gave him a loving kiss. "My merry husband…"
"Thank you" he said. "I was terrified that you would never be able to forgive me."
"The flue must have had you thinking crazy" Estella said. "There will always be fights, but there will also always be love."
Relieved that she didn't hate him and that things were the way they should between them again, he put his arms around her and kissed her. She responded, and for a long, lovely minute they stood like that. Then they made their way to the bed, still kissing each other, and fell down on it.
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