Author's Note: Today I finished my 130th page on this little fanfic… Yikes! Somebody give me a life! Anyway, even with an additional three finished chapters lurking on my hard drive, this will be the last part posted in a while. There are some problems with my Internet server, and I might not have functioning Internet again until October. When I do, I will post the next chapter. This part will as promised feature the back-story of Pippin and Estella, as well as some secrets revealed. Problem chapter, one might say, I don't know if I can pull this type of thing off but you never know before you try, right? Read, review and hopefully enjoy =)
Disclaimer: JRR Tolkien owns Middle-Earth and all its inhabitants, all characters featured in this story are his or based on characters of his.
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"Let me, Rose" Estella offered and took little Rose by the hand.
"Oh would you please Estella, it would be so kind of you" Rose said with a sigh and leaned back in her chair.
"Just sit back and rest, dear" Estella said and led little Rose with her to the bedroom the girl shared with her older sister. "I will make sure that little Rose gets into bed, you just sit here and rest love!"
"Thank you" Rose said.
Estella nodded with a smile and left with little Rose to get her ready for bed. She had quickly fallen back into her old role as the Gamgee children's nanny, and seemed to appreciate it even more than Rose did, for which Rose was thankful.
Rose said goodnight to Frodo and Elanor and sent them off to bed as well. It was a bit early, but she wanted to be alone and think and neither child objected. They knew how strict their mother could be, especially right before she had another baby, and thought it best to obey. Rose was glad to be left alone for a while, she wanted some time to think.
It was January in the year 1435, and Rose would have her ninth child any day. Estella had arrived that very morning to be her midwife, for once getting to return the favour, and although Rose was happy to see her again the arrival of her friend had awoken the worries Rose had had this past year. More correctly, it was how Estella had arrived that worried Rosie. She had been accompanied by Pippin Took instead of her husband, for whatever reason. Rose didn't like to see the two spending any time alone, they were playing with fire whether or not they knew it and by now Rose had decided that maybe she should talk to Estella about it.
The more she thought of the events that had occurred at Bag End a little more than ten years ago, the more she realised that she didn't know what truly had been going on. She thought she had known, but she was no longer sure.
Estella had come to Bag End to be their nanny shortly after Frodo's birth, and she had quickly become Rose's best friend. At first Rose had been uneasy with having Estella as her employee, she came from a much finer family than the Gamgees and the reversed roles made Rose uncomfortable, but that had soon changed. Estella had confided in her one night that she never wished to get married, she saw marriage as a cage that kept her from being free and doing what she wanted to do. She didn't see marriage as an arrangement of love, a fact which had slipped Rose's mind until now, and she would much rather be free from having children to raise and a household to run. But if she didn't marry she would have to do something else, and she had chosen to be a nanny. Her parents had probably hoped she would nanny a finer family's children, but going to the Gamgees had seemed like the perfect chance for Estella to gain some freedom from the class society which was subtle but very real. The arrangement had been made through her brother Fredegar, commonly known as Fatty, who was an old friend of Frodo Baggins' and knew Sam through him, Merry and Pippin. It was during that night, when Estella had confided all of this to Rose, that their bond of friendship had been created, the bond that had lasted thus far but would not be put to the test, Rose feared.
Estella had kept to her decision on never marrying at first, several lads had tried their luck with courting her without being given the time of day. But then Pippin Took had started to visit, heartbroken over Merry's absence from the Shire and seeking comfort. Merry was in Rohan for a year, serving the king, but Pippin had been unable to leave for reasons Rose couldn't remember and was left home alone. He hated being alone, most of all he hated being parted from Merry, and coming to Bag End helped numb his aching loneliness.
At first Pippin had barely noticed Estella, but soon it had become clear that he was interested in her. And to Rose's great surprise Estella allowed him to take walks with her, bring her fruit, escort her to parties or in other ways court her discreetly. Pippin's charms seemed to be able to penetrate the shield she carried around her and it soon became Pippin's favourite pastime to make her laugh. Sam had told Rosie that he was thrilled, Estella seemed to be able to numb the pain Pippin felt and before February had come to an end, Estella allowed Pippin to kiss her. Estella had told Rosie that it was nonsense each time Rose tried to bring up the subject of marriage, for it was clear that sooner or later Pippin was going to ask. Estella said she still refused to get married and that Pippin was merely a good friend of hers. Rose knew that at least the last part wasn't true, and she wondered what Estella would say when Pippin asked for her hand.
As it turned out, Pippin never got the chance. One stormy April night the front door was flung open and in came Merry and about two dozen leaves that were still laying on the ground from last fall. After laughingly scolding Pippin for not having been at Crickhollow to greet him he was properly welcomed and parked first by the supper table and then by the open fire.
His eyes fell on Estella at that time, and he leaned over to her and asked her something which Rose never found out what it was. It had been an innocent question, Merry had asked if she was indeed the sister of Fredegar and added that she had done a lot of growing up since the last time he'd seen her, but Estella had chosen not to tell Rose about it. For some reason it had made her blush and she felt awkward talking about it, as if she was giving away a secret.
There had obviously been something about Estella which had charmed Merry, and seemingly something in him which had charmed her. Pippin didn't seem to notice it, and Merry didn't see that there was something going on between his dearest friend and Estella. Pippin had been too busy bothering about his beloved cousin's return to have the time to notice anything else, he was practically sitting in Merry's knee, never talking his eyes off him. Estella on her part didn't let her eyes off Merry much either, and it almost seemed as if when he told Pippin and Sam about the doings and healths of their friends he was directing every word to her.
Rose knew nothing of what had happened when Merry found out that Estella was courted by Pippin, or even much of what had taken place between the three during the following months. Estella had said very little, it was clear that she was embarrassed over the situation, but Rose had always assumed that her silence had much to do with feeling guilty toward Pippin. Rose had been convinced that Estella had fallen head over heels in love with Merry, especially after it was announced on Elanor's following birthday that on the last of June Estella and Merry were to be married.
Sitting alone in her chair, Rose was starting to wonder more and more. Estella had once said that marriage was not an arrangement of love, something which Rose had forgotten almost as soon as Estella had said it but now it came to her attention again. She had found out from Sam once that Merry's parents had been an arranged match, the heir to the mastership of Buckland and the youngest daughter of The Took. Sam had told her that when she had pondered over how some could have several children and others only one or two, apparently Merry's father and mother had produced their heir and then chosen not to be intimate with each other anymore. Estella claimed that even if that were true her parents-in-law were now very happy together, but it was not unusual that love came long after the wedding according to her. Rosie wondered if it was not the same case with Pippin's mother and father, who hadn't had any other children after the birth of their first son. She had never asked, but she had her suspicions. And if both Merry and Pippin came from arranged marriages it seemed odd to Rose that they both had been able to marry freely out of love, even if that fact hadn't occurred to her earlier.
Rose didn't doubt Merry's love for Estella, she never had. And up until now she hadn't doubted Estella's love for Merry. She knew that Estella loved him now, but Estella had said herself that love could come after the wedding, and it worried Rose to wonder what had really been going on back in 1424 when Merry had returned from Rohan. It was probable that Estella's parents had planned to arrange a marriage for their daughter, Estella had hinted it to Rose when she first came to Bag End, and if that had been their intention they must have approved of her courtship with Pippin. But then Merry came along and quickly fell in love with her, and it was much understandable that the Bolgers would like to marry their daughter with someone from Buckland. If she married Pippin she would move to Tuckburough, which was further away. Could it be that the marriage had been an arrangement? Her parents would surely prefer if she married Merry and stayed close. It would never have taken place if Merry hadn't fallen for Estella, if he hadn't she would have married Pippin, but did Estella marry Merry out of her own free will?
Rose's thoughts were interrupted by Estella's return. Estella sat down in a chair and went on with her knitting while she told Rose that little Rosie was now in bed, all the younger children were sleeping and Frodo and Elanor were on their way to bed as well. Rose took a deep breath and decided that it was now or never.
"There is something that I must speak to you about, Estella" she said. "It's a matter that has deeply troubled me for some time now, it is not pleasant to speak of but as your friend I feel that I must!"
"Is something wrong?" Estella asked with a worried frown.
"That is what you must tell me. I hope you can forgive me for taking such a leap into your personal life, but I do feel that I must!"
"Well then talk to me!" Estella said. "What is bothering you?"
"I've been thinking… about that winter after Frodo had been born. The first year you were my nanny. Do you remember?"
"Of course I remember, I will always remember" Estella said and went back to her knitting. "What about that winter?"
"You and Pippin were an item that winter, were you not?"
"That was a long time ago."
"I was under the impression that you were in love with him" Rose said, deciding that she couldn't beat around the bush. "And I believed that he would ask you to marry him, and you would say yes. You loved him, did you not?"
"One winter is hardly enough to know" Estella said, knowing that it wasn't true. She sighed. "I cared deeply for Peregrin, you know that!"
"And then Merry came."
"And then Merry came."
"Estella, you seemed to fall out of love with Pippin very fast, and in love with Merry even faster."
"What are you accusing me of?" Estella asked, on her guard.
"Nothing, friend" Rose said. "I never questioned your feelings then, although perhaps I should have. As of lately I have."
"I don't understand" Estella said.
"I have seen you with Pippin lately" Rose said. "I have seen you look at each other and laugh together as you did that winter."
"Is that so strange? I still care for him. He is a friend."
"Is it more, I wonder?"
"Rose don't be absurd!" Estella said, upset by the conversation. "I love my husband, you know that I do!"
"You loved Pippin once. I was there that night when Merry returned, I--"
"If you were indeed there then you should know that he captivated me from the first glance" Estella said.
"Yes, he certainly enchanted you! But there's a difference between being in love and being enchanted with someone. And you were in love with Pippin."
"Do not say another word, Rose, or we shall have trouble remaining friends!" Estella said, feeling tears burning in her eyes. "Oh you fool, do you not know that I love my husband? Yes I care for Pippin, I care very deeply for Pippin, but I love my husband! What was between Pippin and me that summer, it is no more! Pippin is not in my heart that way, only my husband is and you should know that!"
"I know that arranged marriages aren't uncommon among the Brandybucks and the Tooks, or the Bolgers for that matter" Rose said straight out. "It concerns me that you might still have feelings for Pippin, that your marriage to Merry was an arrangement."
"I love him!"
"Is it not possible that you took your feelings for Pippin and moved them over on Merry when the marriage was arranged?"
"Rose stop it, you are out of line! I will not have you speculate on my marriage like this, nor of my feelings for my husband!"
"Say his name."
"Pardon?"
"Your husband. Say his name" Rose urged. "You haven't yet said it since we begun this conversation, but Pippin's name has been said a lot."
"Meriadoc" Estella spat out. "And this conversation is over!"
Estella fought hard to keep her tears at bay. Rose's accusations, for that's what Estella felt they had been, had come so sudden. But what hurt her was that it had awoken doubt. Rose watched her carefully, even less at ease now than she had been. Estella had never denied that the marriage was an arrangement.
Four long days later Rose had her ninth child, with Estella as her midwife. She was handed the child, a lass, and tears started to fall down her cheeks. She looked at the lass whom she had already picked out a name for earlier, she had decided that if she had a daughter she would name her Estella. But now she wasn't sure, Estella's and her friendship had changed since their discussion a few nights earlier. Estella was more withdrawn now, and Rose knew she had crossed the line. But she had done what she had done out of concern for her dearest friend and she would not have it undone.
"How do you feel?" Estella gently asked and sat down on the corner of the bed instead of going to get Sam.
"Tired… weak… happy… sad…"
"It will be alright."
"Yes I know… Yet it feels as if my youth is so far away now. The healthy, strong lass I once was is gone and all that is left is this weary mother of eight, nine children. I cannot help but miss that lass from long ago."
"You shouldn't grieve over that, dear."
"I know that it's foolish. But I still feel sad."
"I hope the darling little lass can comfort you" Estella said.
"She is darling, isn't she?"
"Sam will be bursting with pride."
"I want her to have your name" Rose said and looked Estella in the eye. "I want her name to be Estella."
"You don't have to name your daughter after me Rose just because we had an argument" Estella said.
"I've been thinking about it ever since this summer" Rose said. "But I want to know what you think."
"I think you should find another name for her" Estella said. "I cannot name my daughter after you, it is not fair for you to name yours after me, if I named a child after you I would never hear the end of it from Merry until he got to name a son after--" She cut herself off and looked away.
"After Pippin. You can say his name Estella, I won't accuse you of anything."
"You should name her after yourself" Estella said.
"I already have a daughter named Rose."
"You may be weary and tired Rose, but you are still in your prime, and you have given life to a healthy daughter. Her name should be thereafter. Primrose. It sounds almost like Prime Rose."
"I like that name" Rose said.
Estella nodded. She had planned on naming her own daughter Primrose, that was the name she had picked out for her third child which had turned out to be a lad. But it had been a name which Pippin had mentioned to her once during the winter they had courted, when he was playfully listing the names of all the children they could have. Most of the names had been far too weird for her, who had ever heard of a Hobbit named Legolas, but Primrose had been much to her liking. Suggesting the name for Rose's daughter was a way of distancing herself from her winter with Pippin, and it had occurred to her how inappropriate it would be to give Merry's daughter a name which Pippin had chosen for his plausible daughter with Estella.
"Primrose it is then" Estella decided.
"Primrose Estella" Rose corrected. "Primrose Estella Gamgee."
"Very well then. Let me go get the anxious father."
Rose watched her leave with a sigh. Something had been ruined, she could tell. Their friendship had taken a hard blow and Rose feared it would never recover to what it once had been. Was it worth it? She hoped so. And she hoped that all Estella needed was time to think about what they had spoken of, Rose had the feeling that she didn't want to. But maybe if she thought it through and found out for sure whether or not any of what Rose had said had been true things could be as before between the two friends. Estella would certainly need a friend by her side if she came to the conclusion that she loved Pippin still. Rose sighed deeply and closed her eyes hard, wanting to shut away the thoughts. What had she done?
"This must be the coldest summer ever" Pippin complained and buttoned his shirt. "I know it is the last week of August, but it should not be rainy, windy and barely five degrees outside, not even at this hour! What a terrible year for the crops…"
"If I'm not mistaken I'd say that Thain Peregrin is anxious to get back" Diamond said. "Could it be that he is looking forward to leaving Crickhollow and going back to the Smials to watch over the crops?"
"You know I'm not" Pippin said. "No matter what happens, Crickhollow is where I wish to be if Merry is here."
Diamond sighed. She was getting sick and tired of this by now, for the past three years she had heard nothing but how Pippin missed his cousin. It was getting tiresome, she wished he could focus on other things for a change. Especially their problems with conceiving. Faramir was less than a month away from his fifth birthday and Diamond was not yet expecting their second child. But the only thing about it that seemed to worry Pippin was her talking about it, and she was getting tired of it. As much as she listened to his longing for Merry she felt he could at least listen to her worries over their child situation. It was as much his situation as hers, and she knew he wanted more children so she couldn't understand why he was reluctant to discuss it.
"If summer has been this cold I hate to see what winter will be like" Pippin said and grabbed his braces.
"It's been five years since there's been any snow" Diamond said. "Before that we had five winters without snow. Maybe it's time for snow again?"
"I hope not" Pippin sighed. "Winter is going to be long and cold no matter what the weather brings."
"Will you cheer up?" Diamond sighed. "One might think that your whole life is ending just because you're moving back to the Smials when the week is over. You're like a bear who hibernates all winter and only lives up during three short months of summer! You cannot live for only three months of the year, I could go through a full pregnancy during your months of hibernation! Though I don't, and that doesn't seem to worry you."
"Must we talk about that?"
"It would be nice for a change! All we talk about otherwise is Merry, Merry, Merry… I never expected that you were like that!"
"Like what?"
"Some little boy who needs to hold his mother's skirts! Although instead of a mother's skirts it's Merry's cape! When are you going to realise that life does not end whenever Merry is further away than fifty yards?"
"Do not question my friendship with Merry or my need for him" Pippin said, not liking the comments. "I need him."
"I need you!" Diamond said.
"You have me."
"But I don't need Merry."
"Diamond what are you talking about?" Pippin asked, getting tired of the conversation that was turning into an argument.
"I'm saying that what I need is just you, not Merry as well!"
"You have me. You married me."
"And Merry along with it. I married Peregrin, but I seemed to have gotten Meriadoc as well. He always stands like a shadow with us, he is a third person in a marriage where there should only be two!"
"That's crazy, my friendship with Merry has no effect on our marriage."
"How can you be so blind as to think that?" Diamond asked. "Don't you see it yourself? You're always with him, and when you're not you're either talking about him or sulking because he's not there. Whatever we talk about you manage to incorporate Merry somehow, whatever we plan to do Merry has something to do with it, it is always, always, always Merry!"
"He is half of me" Pippin said. "It's how it should be that I speak of him."
"I guess he is, isn't he? He is your better half, not me. Sometimes I wonder if you even know I exist."
"What are you talking about? You're talking crazy. Why don't you tell me what this is really about instead of making it about Merry."
"It is about Merry" Diamond said.
"No it isn't."
"Fine then" Diamond said and crossed her arms. "Then I suppose it's about our family. And since we have agreed that it's not about Merry then would you please be so kind as to leave him out of the discussion?"
"Diamond stop beating around the bush and talk straight with me" Pippin said, calming down a bit now that Merry seemed to be out of the line of fire.
"Faramir will be five soon. We should have one more child by now, two even! Yet nothing, nothing happens."
"It will be all right, Diamond" Pippin said and seemed to think that was the end of the discussion.
"No it won't be" Diamond said. This time she was not going to give in.
Estella hummed to herself as she continued with her knitting. She was seated in a wicker chair by the fireplace, working on a pair of mittens for Éowyn as the upcoming winter seemed to be requiring such. Merry was curled up in his favourite chair, reading a letter and sucking on his pipe. Every now and then he would take the pipe from his mouth, hum along with her for a few notes and then stick it back into his mouth and turn the page. The room was filled with peace, it was just a few days before they would move back to Brandy Hall and still it was summer, but it felt like winter. The cosy fire, the cold weather outside, the whole atmosphere reminded Estella of the long, cosy winter evenings by the fireside. The children were asleep and soon she and Merry would go to bed as well, at the moment they were just enjoying the serenity.
Suddenly the calmness was broken by angry voices as Diamond and Pippin entered in the middle of an argument. Neither one of them had expected Merry and Estella to still be there but by the time they noticed their shocked friends it was too late. Their friends had already heard their argument, and the sight of Merry and Estella seemed to only anger Diamond more.
"Five years Peregrin" she angrily said to her husband. "You tell me how you can still be so calm when it's been five years since we had our child!"
"You cannot change that fact by arguing with me" Pippin replied. "And especially not in front of our friends."
"Why do you care, I thought nothing you could say or do in front of Merry would change your friendship." She glared at Estella. "Not even Merry marrying her!"
"Leave them out of it!" Pippin said.
"I never did figure out how you got over the lass you probably intended on marrying" Diamond said, not caring that the lass in question was in the room. "How you suddenly could love me instead of her. Maybe you never did?"
"That's enough!" Pippin said with a warning tone in his voice.
"Maybe what you've ever felt for me is what you felt for her transferred onto me!"
"That is crazy and you have no means for such a statement! I love you more than I ever loved Estella! Even when you act like this and yell at me for something I cannot change. I cannot change that Faramir hasn't had a sibling yet!"
"But I know that you want another child" Diamond said. "And you are sorry, aren't you? Sorry that you didn't hold on to Estella and marry her, for at least she would have been able to give you a child a year if it had pleased you!"
"Diamond quiet!" Pippin cried.
"Diamond let him be!" Merry said and flew from his chair. "It is not Pippin's fault that you cannot have another child, it's mine!"
"Indeed it is! Had you not married the lass he was practically betrothed to he could have had ten children by now instead of just one!"
"He still could have with you if it weren't for me!" Merry angrily said. "Do not accuse him for what is my fault!"
"Merry, no!" Pippin begged.
"Stay out of this, Merry" Diamond said. "It is none of your concern, stop fighting all of Pippin's battles for him!"
"I do not, for he can do it much better himself" Merry said. "But I left you barren Diamond and Pippin had nothing to do with it!"
"What?"
"It was me, I am to blame! The night when Faramir was born I saved him but I took all of your unborn children in the process! You are barren Diamond, I left you unable to conceive with child, and though I much regret it it was not something that I did intentionally or something that I can change."
"No" Pippin whispered to Merry and shook his head, tears appearing in his eyes.
"You are lying to protect him" Diamond said, not sounding sure.
"I am not. Ask your sisters, they were there." He paused. "I'm sorry."
Pippin hid his face in his hands and Diamond stared at Merry in shock. A complete silence fell over the room, which Estella broke when she threw her knitting to the floor and fled, tears in her eyes. Pippin walked up to Merry and placed a hand on his shoulder and looked him into the eye. The look told Merry that Pippin was not mad with him and that he had done nothing wrong at Faramir's birth. But now the secret was out in the open and Pippin would have to deal with it. It was however Pippin's problem since it had been his decision to keep it from Diamond, not Merry's, and even though Merry had spilled the beans Pippin wasn't mad at him.
"I have to see how Estella's doing, she seemed upset" Merry said and left in the direction Estella had taken.
Pippin looked at Diamond for a few seconds, her shocked eyes looking right back at him. For a few moments he wondered if he was looking into the eyes of a stranger. Then he turned and left as well.
Merry found Estella weeping in the room where Éowyn had been born, and he slowly walked up to her. She was facing the window so he couldn't see her face, but he could hear her crying and see her shaking with sobs.
"Estella are you alright?" he asked.
"How could she say that?" Estella sobbed. "I thought I was her friend! How could she say such horrible things about me?"
"I don't think she meant it."
"She did! She did mean it. She worries that Pippin still loves me and she hates me for having given you three children while she's only given Pippin one!"
"Now, now" Merry said. "She didn't say that. She does not hate you, she is just upset. I cannot justify what she said, but I don't think she meant it Estella."
"She was my friend" Estella sobbed. "All these years… I thought we were friends. But if she thinks that Pippin wishes I was his wife then how can she think of me as her friend? I am nothing but a rival to her!"
"Do not let it upset you" Merry said and put his hands on her shoulders. "You must promise me that you won't let it upset you."
But Estella couldn't help it. Diamond's words had hurt her deeply, and they had scared her. She hadn't been able to forget what Rose had said to her before Primrose's birth and Diamond's words had made her worry. She worried more than she could say that there might have been some truth to Rose's words to her, and no matter how hard she'd tried during the spring she hadn't managed to keep the thoughts at bay. She thought about it more and more often, and it scared her to doubt her relationship with Merry.
She turned around and looked at him, the lad she had been married to for ten years exactly and with whom she had three wonderful children. She knew Merry's face so well, the cheeks, the mouth, the chin, the nose, the scar above his eyebrow, the eyes … So different from Pippin's and yet they were part of the same. Merry had always been able to offer her comfort and now that she desperately needed it she looked for it.
Merry placed his hands on her cheeks and with his thumbs gently dried a few tears. She did love him, she was certain that she did, she had been for so many years now. The winter with Pippin and the feelings they had shared were over. Weren't they?
"Darling don't you cry" Merry said in that soothing voice that always helped her. "Dry your tears, it will be alright."
"I love you" she whispered.
"I know" he said.
"You… I love you…"
She stood on her toes to reach his lips with hers and kissed him with all of her fear, anxiety, hurt, insecurity and love, clinging to him like he was her last hope. Merry let his hands fall down to around her waist and responded to her kisses with a calmness and gentility that soon managed to calm her down. She needed to feel him there with her, needed to kiss him and know that he was real, and hopefully know that he was the only one in her heart. And Merry responded, only thinking it was Diamond who had upset her, knowing nothing of what more there was.
They broke the kiss and she stared at him with wild eyes. His eyes were the same as always, it took a lot to get him upset and little to calm him down again. In his eyes she could see that he was longing for her, but also that he had other things more important to tend to before he could go to bed.
"Wait for me, I don't think I'll be long" Merry said a short while later as they walked hand in hand to their bedroom. "I just need to find Peregrin and see that he is okay. If he wants to talk I'll be longer, then you don't have to wait for me."
"I hope he is okay" Estella said and stopped outside their bedroom. "You go find him. I'll wait for you."
Merry gave her a kiss and then wandered down the hall toward Pippin's study. Estella took a deep breath before she went inside their bedroom. She closed the door behind her and recoiled when she found Pippin there, sitting in Merry's wicker chair with his back turned at her. He turned around at the sound of her entering.
"Estella!" He rose. "I apologise. I came here waiting for Merry to be back, I didn't mean to intrude!"
"It's no problem."
"I apologise anyway. I can see that you've been crying" Pippin said and looked sad. "I am so sorry, Estella. Diamond should never have said those things she said. She was mad at me, not at you."
Estella nodded, unable to answer or her tears would start to fall again.
"It was unfair of her" Pippin said. "I cannot understand that she did that. How could she take her own jealousy and throw it over to me? I am not the jealous one, but she apparently is. She has no right to accuse me of her jealousy, and no right to hurt you to get to me."
Estella didn't answer. Pippin took a step closer to her.
"I have never seen it before, but she is jealous! How could I not have seen this before, it is so obvious to me now! She is jealous of you and I and what we once had. She doesn't see that it is folly, you and I were over a decade ago and you are married to my best friend. Diamond has nothing to be jealous of, and how she can accuse me of her jealousy is beyond me. She has no right to appoint it to me, to claim that I am jealous of Merry for being with you! I could never be jealous of Merry!"
Estella nodded. That seemed to be all he wanted from her, a nod here and there and for her to listen.
"She doesn't see, and why I cannot understand. I was not involved with you when I met her, that was in my past, what does she know about what it was like between you and I? Yes I loved you once, but then Merry came into the picture. I love you still Estella, I don't want you thinking that I don't, but it's not the same. What you and I had will always be something I will treasure, you were my first love and that's hard to forget. But that doesn't mean that I love Diamond any less, or you any more than her! Diamond is my wife and I am glad she is!"
Estella nodded again. She wasn't paying much attention anymore to what he was saying, she was starting to worry. Once again hers and Pippin's courtship had been brought up and now by Pippin himself, who claimed to still love her. Estella lost the ability to keep her worries and thoughts away and they all came crashing down upon her. What if she still loved Pippin, what if she had never stopped? What if it was indeed as Rosie said, that her love for Merry was actually her love for Pippin? What if they were all right, what was she to do then? What would she do and who would she turn to? She was losing her balance in life, the ground seemed to be shaking under her feet and she couldn't lean on the one she had leaned on before because now she was doubting that her feelings for him were genuine.
Merry found Diamond in Faramir's nursery when he came looking for Pippin. She was sitting by her son's bedside, silently watching him as he slept. She looked up when Merry entered but he couldn't tell what she was thinking by the look in her eyes. Most likely her mind was on her son and how he would always be her only one. He decided to make a quick exit, he didn't wish to spend more time with her at the present than he needed to.
"Sorry" he said. "I came looking for Pippin. But I see that he's not here."
"No he's not" Diamond said. "And I don't know where he is."
"Faramir is a wonderful lad" Merry said after hesitating on his way out the door. "You are very lucky to have him, Diamond."
"I know."
"What I told you earlier was the truth" Merry went on, deciding to take this confrontation with her now and not later. "It is my fault. Faramir was breech you see, and while I was turning him right I…"
"Does it matter?" Diamond asked with a toneless voice. "Whatever you did, I'm unable to have another child."
"I am so sorry, you have no idea how sorry" Merry said. "I have regretted it so often! If only I could have it undone!"
"Then Faramir would be dead and so would I" Diamond sighed. "I know that. And yet it hurts so bad… All I've ever wanted was to be with Peregrin and have children with him! Why did it have to be like this?"
"I don't know" Merry said.
"I apologise for what I said about Pippin and Estella, but it's hard to know that the one he once loved could have given him what I cannot!"
"Estella couldn't have given him Faramir" Merry said. "Only you could. And you did. And you could offer Pippin a gross of children with another lass, he would still want Faramir instead. You know that."
"Pippin said something like that to me once" Diamond said. "Years ago. I had almost forgotten…"
"Then you know it's true."
"He said that to me before Faramir was born. Now I wonder… He loves Faramir so much, I know how he longs for more children."
"He can't have any" Merry said, knowing that it was a bit brutal but that it was better to be straight.
"He most certainly can" Diamond said. "It is I who cannot."
"Then Pippin can't either" Merry said. "It takes two."
"Pippin and whichever lass he chooses."
"He has chosen you. And he would not undo that choice even if he could."
"Has he known?"
"Yes" Merry admitted.
"Of course he has" Diamond scoffed. "You could never keep something like that from him. He can keep it from his wife, but that doesn't seem to be as much of a problem. Peregrin has known all along that I cannot give him what he so eagerly wants… I wonder if there might not be truth to what I said about your wife after all."
"Diamond don't!"
"With her he could have had as many children as he wanted" Diamond said. "And it wouldn't be like having them with a lass at random, he loved her!"
"Loved, Diamond, loved" Merry said. "Not loves. Loved."
"The thought must have entered his mind a million times. He married the wrong lass, the one who couldn't--"
"Would you stop it" Merry angrily cut her off. "Just stop, you have said enough things tonight that you will come to regret bitterly, don't say anything else! What's done is done, what's happened has happened. Would Pippin lie to me? He has said to me that he loves you very much, do you think he would lie?"
"I don't think he would tell you if he loved your wife."
"Stop it, I will hear no more of it! This isn't about Pippin and Estella, it's rather about me and you."
"Don't flatter yourself."
"I am the reason why you cannot have another child, Pippin has--"
"Pippin has known this all along. From the day Faramir was born, I should assume" Diamond said.
"Yes" Merry confirmed. "He has. And it has changed nothing."
"All these years he has known…" Diamond said. "He has known and he has not told me. Why hasn't he told me Merry? You know why, I know you do, so don't tell me that you have no idea. He can tell you things that he cannot tell his wife."
"Pippin thought it was best this way" Merry said.
"Best? How can it possibly be best?"
"Remember Diamond that he has known all along that he won't have another child. He has had to live with that for five years, you have lived with it for twenty-five minutes. What you're feeling now is what he wanted to spare you from."
"How do you know what I am feeling?"
"He wanted you to be able to still believe. Every time he's looked at Faramir he has known that he will never have another child, while you've been able to hope for one when you've looked at your son."
"Hope…"
"He wanted you to have hope. He wanted to spare you from the knowledge that it would never happen for you again."
"Hope… Such cruelty! He has allowed me to hope, allowed me to believe, allowed me to be frustrated and sleepless just wondering time and time again why I haven't gotten pregnant again! Cruel, that's what hope is, mark my words!"
"Would you have been any more at ease if you had known? Known that there is not even a chance?"
"At least it would have spared me all the questions why."
"Don't be daft! The question Why will always be there, only now you'll be asking it over different things. Why did things go wrong, why did this have to happen to you? The questions Pippin have been asking himself for five years."
"No wonder he's been acting so odd every time I've talked about why we haven't conceived yet."
"It's been harder on him than you might think, Diamond. He's thought of telling you, but in the end decided not to. I should have honoured that decision, but I didn't."
"Oh don't you worry" Diamond said with a quippy tone. "He'll forgive you. There is nothing so bad that Peregrin cannot forgive Meriadoc for it. Am I right? Not even taking away the lass he was going to marry."
"Leave Estella out of it, she has nothing to do with all this!"
"It fascinates me" Diamond said. "All I ever hear is how good friends you two are, yet you could do something like that to him!"
"You do not have all the facts" Merry said. "And I never touched Estella until I had Pippin's blessing."
"He should never have been forced to give it to you" Diamond said. "He should have gotten to stay with her and marry her and have all the children he could possibly ask for, not step back and watch as his best friend got what he longed for himself."
"Do not say such foolish things, it is nonsense" Merry said. "Nobody forced Pippin to do anything he didn't want to. My love for her was stronger than his was, and she loved me too."
"Did she not love Pippin?"
Knowing that he couldn't answer no to that without lying, Merry chose a different approach to get through to her.
"Had he stayed with her he would not have married you!"
"That is exactly my point!"
"Fool of a Took!" Merry scoffed. "Listen to yourself! You are telling me that you wish your husband had married someone else. Do you not love him?"
"Yes I do" Diamond said and Merry could see that her eyes were tearing up. "I love him so much."
"Then--"
"Don't you see, Merry? You who claim to love him too! Estella would have been able to give him what he wants so badly, a dozen children or more! I know how much he wants that, and that is what I have always wanted to give him, but I can't. Don't you see? Don't you know what it's like to love someone so much that you want them to have their dreams come true, even if it means that you're no longer in the picture?" She scoffed. "Of course you don't. You who couldn't even let him have Estella."
"Diamond I apologise" Merry said. "I… I had no idea that's how you felt. Pippin can be lucky to have a wife who loves him that much. But you're missing one important detail here, Diamond. Pippin loves you too! And I can promise you that Faramir means more to him than a dozen children or more with whatever other lass ever could, for Faramir is the child he's had with the one that he loves. He looks at him and sees both himself and you, and that means more to him than anything! Trust me Diamond, he would not trade you for any other lass in the world."
"But he loved Estella."
"Would you forget about Estella, she is not part of this! I know that he loved her, but he never spoke of her the way he's spoken of you. He never had that glow in his eyes with her and he never expressed the same need for her that he expresses for you."
"How would you know, you weren't there to see it!"
"Do you not know how much you meant to him? I will let you in on a secret, I have been suggesting to Pippin for years now that we should ride to Rohan and Gondor, my longing for our friends of old is strong. So is his, but each time I've spoken about it he has said to me that he doesn't want to leave just yet because he doesn't want to leave your side."
"Yet if you made up your mind to go he would go too" Diamond said. "You come first, and with Pippin you always have. The way he acts when the two of you are parted… Nothing I say or do helps!"
"Understand, Diamond…" Merry said. "It is empty and cold when you have shared everything for so long and are separated!"
"So empty and cold that you cannot be comforted by your spouse?"
Merry didn't reply and Diamond sighed deeply. Neither of them spoke for a while, and Diamond looked down on her sleeping son.
"He is a miracle" she said. "My little lad… So much like his father!"
"A miracle, yes" Merry agreed. "And one Pippin is so thankful for. You and I both know that is true, don't we Diamond? Faramir is everything he ever wanted in a child, I know that! And you know that if I say so then it is so, for I know Pippin that well."
"He should have so many more. It's not fair that he should never have another child when I am the one who is barren."
"Funny how marriage works" Merry said. "You commit to someone for better or worse. To share the good and the bad. You had Faramir together and it is together that you shall not have another one. You share the good as well as the bad and what happens to one of you also happens to the other."
Diamond sighed.
"But if he had been with Estella…"
"If Pippin had to do it all over again, I am sure that he would still marry you" Merry said. "Forget about Estella and what he once felt for her, he would not miss out on what he feels for you for anything! I am sure Diamond that Pippin does not look back and wonder what would have been if he and Estella had married."
"I do think of it from time to time, Estella" Pippin said softly. "About us. About what it was like. And sometimes, I admit, I think about what it could have been like, us two together. As I said, you were my first love."
"Yes" Estella whispered.
"But you are not my greatest. What I feel for Diamond is stronger than what I felt for you and I do not regret having married her. Trust me Estella I have never doubted my feelings for her! Never! But she obviously has."
"Don't say that, she loves you."
"I'm not saying she's doubted her feelings for me."
"Then what are you saying?"
"I'm saying she's doubting my feelings for her!"
Pippin bit his bottom lip and looked away. Obviously the thought pained him, but to Estella's surprise she was relieved. She wanted him to go on speaking of his love for Diamond, speak away any suspicion in her mind that he had too strong feelings for her, Estella. Maybe then she would feel better.
"How can a wife doubt her husband's love for her?" Pippin asked and looked at Estella again. "You tell me, Estella! How? How could she think that I do not love her enough to want to be with her every day of the rest of my life? It is an insult that she doubts what I'm feeling for her, an insult Estella!"
Estella didn't answer and avoided his eyes. If only he knew that she was doubting her own love for Merry.
"Am I not loving? Do I not show her how much I care? Do I not tell her how I feel about her? Obviously I do not, not enough at any rate, for she doesn't seem to think that I do. Or maybe I do tell her and show her all the time but she doesn't believe me. If so I must be doing something wrong."
"You do nothing wrong, Pippin" Estella said.
"I must be! How else can I love her so and yet she doubts it?"
"She must not have meant all that she said" Estella said, remembering what Merry had said to her. "She was upset!"
"I know you say things you don't mean when you're upset. But I think this has been on her mind for a long time… Jealousy! Such an ugly emotion! It should not exist between people who love each other!"
"And yet it does" Estella said. "And we can do nothing about it."
"But I will not take the blame for her jealousy! She cannot apply it to me and say that I am jealous of Merry since he got you and I didn't!"
"Pippin maybe you should speak to Merry about this and not me" Estella suggested, feeling more uneasy by the minute and wanting some time alone to think.
"Not that I didn't wish things were different a decade ago" Pippin went on, either ignoring what she said or not having heard. "I did wish for you to love me and not him, but I could not change the way things were."
"Oh I did love you Peregrin" Estella said.
"Yes, but you know what I mean! And I do admit that I wanted to marry you and saw you as the future mother of my children. But that was ten years ago, more even! Why get upset over something that was so long ago? It's different now, from the moment I first saw her it's been different!"
Estella recoiled slightly. She had just realised that his love for Diamond seemed to have come even more sudden then her infatuation with Merry. And she remembered what Rose had said. Could it be that he had just transferred his feelings for her over on somebody else? Could it be that his love for Diamond was actually his love for her, Estella, as she feared that her love for Merry might be her love for him, Pippin? What if they actually loved each other and not their spouses? What would they do then? It occurred to her that Rose was not the only one who had said such a thing. Diamond had said that very thing earlier in the night, that maybe Pippin's feelings for her were actually his feelings for Estella.
Pippin didn't seem to be thinking along those lines. He was in the middle of a long monologue on when he first met Diamond at Estella and Merry's wedding, and Estella only listened with half an ear. She knew the story, and wasn't interested. And either way Pippin seemed to be talking more to himself than to her, he probably wouldn't have noticed if she had left the room. Then he drifted off and was silent for half a minute before he walked up to her.
"Oh Estella, dearest Estella, I care so much for you… But I find that it is not the same as it once was. You put that smile on Merry's face that warms my heart in the coldest of weathers, you put that light in his eyes…"
"Merry loves me."
"He does indeed. Isn't it strange how a loving heart needs so little to be happy?"
Estella frowned. That sounded like criticism.
"Oh don't frown at me Estella, I didn't mean anything bad by it! I was just thinking of how all it takes is a smile from the one you love, or the mere mentioning of their name to fill your heart with joy. As demanding as love is it requires so little to make one happy." He sighed. "At least I used to think so."
"What made you think differently?"
"This evening. Obviously I am not doing a very good job making Diamond happy."
"Why do you say such things? I know that she loves you, it is obvious! Anyone can see it in her eyes when she looks at you!"
"Yet she is jealous and she doubts that I feel the same for her. You know they say that loving eyes can never see… I guess that's true. She doesn't seem to be able to see how much I care for her."
"She is insecure but I do not think it is for the reasons you think. She is just upset over the child thing…"
"Well now she knows the truth and I will have to deal with that" Pippin sighed. He put his hands on Estella's shoulders. "And it will take more than a pair of loving eyes to make things okay again. I do not blame her if she doesn't trust me much for a while, I've kept this a secret from her for so long."
Estella nodded. She had been shocked to hear the truth earlier that night, she had never known or even suspected the true reason why Diamond Took hadn't gotten pregnant again. She had of course known that something had been bothering Merry after Faramir's birth, but he hadn't wanted to talk about it and she had assumed he was only scared that her upcoming delivery was going to be as bad as Diamond's had been. Now she knew what had been bothering him.
She looked up at Pippin and found that he was looking at her. Their eyes met.
"I still care for you Estella…"
"As I do for you" she mumbled.
Pippin nodded. Then he pulled her into a hug and whispered that she shouldn't be upset over what Diamond had said earlier. As Merry had done he told her that it was not about her, and that she shouldn't take it to her heart. Estella nodded and hugged him back.
Without either one of them knowing how it had happened, suddenly their lips met. And neither one of them could later remember who had taken the kiss further, it was as if both of them had opened their mouths at the same time and their tongues had met halfway. They kissed, holding each other close. For the longest time they kissed, it could have been five seconds or five minutes, all that existed for Pippin and Estella was the other's lips, tongue, mouth. Estella had forgotten what it was like to kiss Pippin, she had only kissed Merry for so long. Pippin's kiss was like him, impulsive, eager, reckless. Merry's kisses were different, they were always so calm, together and controlled, even in their most passionate moments.
The kiss finally ended and Estella rested her forehead against Pippin's chest, feeling his chin resting on her head and his hand on the back of it. She sighed deeply. Before she had been unsure, and she wondered if he hadn't been too, but now they knew. Without a doubt Estella and Pippin knew.
"So…" Estella moaned. "Will you tell Merry, or do you want me to do it?" Either way she knew he was going to find out, Pippin would never hide something like this from his favourite cousin no matter what damage it might do.
"I will tell him" Pippin said.
Estella didn't wait for Merry like she had promised to. She hadn't thought she'd be able to sleep that night, but somehow she drifted off. But before that she lay awake for a long time with a tight knot in her stomach, wondering what the dawning day would be like.
She wondered what Pippin would say to Merry. She wondered how Merry would react. Estella knew that the kiss had brought something very good, it had brought the certainty that she needed. But how would she explain that to her husband, she couldn't let him know that she even for the briefest of moments had doubted her love for him. She could not do that to him, she knew how much it would hurt him. She would have to put her hope and faith to Pippin, he was the only one who stood a chance at getting Merry to accept that the kiss had happened and move on.
Estella had felt everything and nothing when she kissed Pippin. The kiss had been wonderful, filled with love and devotion, but there had been something missing and she knew what it was. It missed enchantment, the extra spark that differed romantic love from friendly love. She did love Pippin, but not in a romantic way, and he didn't love her that way either. He had said to her before he left to find Merry that they loved each other because they loved Merry. They each loved the other for making Merry so happy, and that's what bound them together now, not their old fling which had been over for a long time. And she had known that he was right. But would Merry see it that way?
She was terrified of what would happen if Merry didn't understand. She would spend the rest of her life with him no matter what, but had she thrown away her happiness this night? Would she be able to go on for another fifty or sixty years having only memories of all the wonderful things she and Merry had shared? She thought she must be crazy for ever doubting that it was with him that she belonged, and the irony of it all struck her. For a few months she had worried that her love for Merry was actually her love for Pippin, when all along her worries had been caused by her moving her feelings for Merry over to Pippin.
How she eventually fell asleep she didn't know, nor did she know for how long she slept, but she was woken up by Merry climbing into bed and spooning her. For a moment she wondered if maybe Pippin had listened to her and kept the kiss a secret from Merry. She had begged him to before he'd gone to see his cousin, fearing that it would only hurt Merry. Merry didn't deserve to be hurt, which Pippin agreed on, but he had also said that he would never be able to keep this from Merry. But it didn't seem now as if Merry knew.
"Is Pippin okay?" she asked in a whisper.
"Yes" Merry said. "Though I do not envy him this night. He has got a lot of problems to work out with Diamond."
"I do not envy her either" Estella said. "I feel sorry for her now. I don't know if she and I are still friends, but having to look Pippin in the eye after all that she said tonight can't be pleasurable."
"Hardly" Merry agreed.
Estella felt his warm breath in her neck and his arms around her, his body pressed to hers from behind. She loved him so, how could she ever have thought otherwise? Pippin was full of youthful charm but Merry had something special that she had never found in anybody before. He could make her feel like no one else and in his arms she knew she would feel safe no matter what. And his arms were still around her, nothing had changed this night. With a sigh of relief she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep. Before she fell asleep Merry spoke, the last thing he said that night.
"Estella… Don't ever kiss Pippin again."
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Please leave a review and tell me what you think! And a great thanks to those who have reviewed so far, I greatly appreciate it =) The next part will feature Aragorn coming to the Brandywine, and as I said it will be up as soon as my Internet is again!
Additional Disclaimer: Forgot about this earlier! Merry's line about how it is cold and empty when you've shared everything and are parted, is taken from the songs "Farmers on the Sea" and "Here You Have Me Again", both from the amazing musical "Kristina from Duvemåla". The lyrics were written by Björn Ulvaeus and I shamelessly borrowed that particular line because I felt it fitted! =)