Author's Note: A fairly uneven chapter which I'm not happy with. I basically had no ideas for this chapter except for roughly where I wanted it to be in the end. A "space filler" one might call it. Pippin is hardly in it, unfortunately. There's more Sam than Pippin actually, but don't worry Pippin fans, he'll feature more in the upcoming parts!
Disclaimer: I still own nothing.
"Good night. Sleep well" Merry said and blew out the candle on his nightstand.
Estella could hear him settling next to her in the darkness, and she could hear a sigh coming from his lips. She waited, but nothing happened. She sighed and stared at the ceiling, wondering what was wrong. It was January, seven months had passed since Lucky's birth at not once had Merry come to her at night like he used to. They had never been intimately parted for this long before, and it was driving Estella crazy. Every night she hoped she would hear him shift on his side of the bed and feel his lips on her, usually followed by a mumbled seductive phrase, and then they would be together. But every night he seemed to lay still in his bed, never showing any signs of wanting her as much as she wanted him. Many nights she had thought about coming to him and showing him what she wanted, but she always managed to control herself. She had promised herself that she would never be so direct with him as to do something like that, she had always believed that it wasn't fitting for lasses to do such things. But most of all she was afraid that he wouldn't want her. She was terrified of being rejected by him, more afraid of that than anything else. She worried each day that she had wrecked the good thing they'd had when being careless during her latest pregnancy, even though Merry had said that he loved her still he hadn't done much to physically prove it.
She could hear him groan and then sigh, obviously uncomfortable and longing for something that she knew she could give him. It made no sense to her, if he wanted her then why didn't he do anything about it? She was right there next to him and she would not reject him. Finally she made up her mind. She had to know.
"Oh Merry, what is wrong?" she asked. If she could not act on how she felt she could at least talk about it.
"What?" Merry asked, opening one eye. "Did you say something?"
"What is wrong?"
"Something's wrong?"
She sat up in her bed.
"There must be. Seven months have now passed since Lucky's birth, twice you have made me pregnant closer to a birth than that! Why have you not come to me during these months, have I done something wrong?"
Merry opened his other eye and looked at her.
"What? Estella go back to sleep."
"That is all we ever do when we're alone now. Sleep."
"That is why we get into bed at night, is it not? I'm exhausted, I've been working hard all day, and so have you!"
"Never before have you been too exhausted to come to me."
She blushed and was glad that he couldn't see her too well in the darkness. She couldn't believe that she was actually talking about this with him.
"Perhaps not…" Merry said. "But all I want is to sleep."
"I think not" she said. "I can tell…"
Merry sighed and rolled over on his back, not happy with the discussion. It was true that he did long for her, but he had promised not to get her pregnant again anytime soon. And he wanted to prove to himself that he could stay away from her, that he still had enough self control to do so. He had been feeling very guilty after she'd gotten pregnant merely three months after Cordy's birth, he had wondered what mattered more to him, his pleasure or her health. And now he was determined to prove to himself that her health mattered more.
"Merry have I done something wrong?" she asked again.
"No."
"Then what is the matter? We won't wake Lucky…"
"I just don't want you to get pregnant again" he told her and rolled over on his side again, closing his eyes to go to sleep.
"Oh…" she said.
Merry was just about to drift off to sleep when he realised that she was crying. Keeping in a sigh he opened his eyes and looked at her.
"What is it?" he asked.
"You don't trust me enough, do you?" she said. "After what happened with Lucky!"
"Trust you?"
"I have carried four children to term, four healthy little ones! But with Lucky I didn't, and now you don't trust me to be able to care for your children while they're still in my body. So you're never going to be with me again?"
"Estella, please!" Merry said. "Don't be daft! Lucky is alive, he survived. And I can assure you that if you have a sixth child I shall be keeping my eyes on you during the entire pregnancy, making sure you don't lift as much as a toe without supervision! Don't cry, it has nothing to do with what happened last time."
"What is it, then? Have you simply lost interest in me?"
"You're being daft again. You've had two children in less than a year, I just want you to get some rest before getting pregnant again."
"Rest…" she said. "What's to say I won't get both time and rest before my next pregnancy, regardless of what you and I do together? You do know that I was your wife for four years before Éowyn was born! And Aramac came three years after Théodoc, and Cordy came three years after him!"
"But I don't want to take any chances. Now dry your tears and go to sleep."
Estella obeyed, or at least tried to. Soon she could hear Merry's even breaths as he slept, but she couldn't understand how he could sleep. She wanted to sleep in his arms, the way she always would after they had been together, not alone on her side of the bed. She didn't understand what he was talking about, it sounded like an excuse in her ears, and it worried her. She wanted her husband back.
"Will you be back home soon, father?" Éowyn asked and held Stybba's reins as Merry got up in the saddle.
"I should be" Merry told her with a smile. "No more than a day or two…"
"I wish I could come" Éowyn sighed. "I want to see Rosie, we haven't played in a long time. And I'd love to see the new baby."
"I can't take you" Merry said. "There's enough going on there anyway, I don't want to put any troubles on adult Rosie now that she's just had a baby. You have to stay here and help look after our baby."
"Lucky's not a baby anymore, he's a toddler" Éowyn said in an important tone of voice.
"Toddler then" Merry laughed. "Keep a special eye on him for me, okay?"
"I will" Éowyn sighed and handed the reins to her father. "Be back real soon!"
"I promise" Merry said and waved at her as he rode off toward Bag End.
As he passed by the fields of the Shire he could see Hobbits preparing to sow their crops and others tending to their animals. Spring had come, and it was as lovely as it had ever been. Summer was right around the corner and Merry would be glad to welcome it. Summertime always felt special to him, even though it had been a few years now since they had last spent a summer at Crickhollow. But next year Merry hoped to finally get the breeding going, he was making slow progress with Snow White but yet there was progress. He believed she would be good by next spring, or at least he hoped she would be. She still hadn't let him ride on her back since the day Lucky had been born, but at least now she accepted him when he groomed her and cared for her.
Merry dreamed of the day he would be able to ride around on a pony he'd bred himself, a pony which was a little more than half mearas. As much as he loved Stybba, his friend was getting old and Merry planned on letting him spend his last years just taking it easy and grazing. But he would need a new beast to ride once Stybba was retired.
Merry resisted the temptation of stopping by at one of the inns along the road to have a mug of ale, knowing that the Gaffer's fine ale waited for him at Bag End. Sam always kept a fine stock of it, still calling it the Gaffer's even though he'd been brewing it by himself for fifteen years, and he would no doubt be serving it tonight. Merry looked forward to spending a night or maybe two at Bag End, even though the place looked a lot different now than it had when Frodo lived there. It still made him feel connected to Frodo, and it held a lot of great memories of Merry's youth.
He was also looking forward to seeing Sam's latest child. Estella had been gone for two weeks now, to be a midwife for Rosie when her time came, and this morning he had received word that a child had been born at Bag End. Merry was coming to Hobbiton to inspect the new-born Gamgee but also to bring his wife home with him. He had missed Estella, Brandy Hall had been chaotic without her. Lucky and Cordy had been left mainly to two nurses, as Estella still nursed Lucky every day and Cordy at occasion, but especially Lucky needed his mother, and Merry didn't like to leave his children with nurses. Especially Lucky, who was weaker than his older siblings had been at his age. The older children didn't depend on their mother as much, but especially Théo had been cranky when she wasn't there to tuck him in. Merry was glad that she was coming back, he longed to see her face when he woke up in the morning again.
Merry suddenly longed even more to be at Bag End, and urged Stybba to go as fast as he could. When he finally arrived in Hobbiton and came up to Bag End he could hear Sam's uncle Halfred complain over what he called reckless riding, but Merry only grinned. He trusted Stybba to keep them safely on their course and he knew that most Hobbits would give a whole sack of mushrooms for a ride on his fine pony. Sam's only living uncle could complain as much as he wanted to, Merry knew he would love to ride like that himself.
He halted by the gates and was greeted by his young namesake, who was eleven years old now. Merry handed Stybba over to the lad, who was amazed by the vote of confidence to get to take care of the pony and mumbled a dozen different versions of "it's an honour" before Merry sent him off with a laugh. He trusted that the pony was in good hands, Sam's second son seemed to have a way with animals.
He went up to the door and knocked, and went inside without waiting for an answer. He got no further than to the kitchen before he was greeted by seven of the Gamgee children, including little Bilbo, and nearly fell over in the process. With a laugh he sat down on the ground and soon had Sam's children everywhere around him. Two were fighting over his lap, three were trying to climb up on his shoulders and young Rosie had to hold back little Bilbo so that he wouldn't accidentally get hurt by his siblings.
"Uncle Merry!" they cried. "Tell us a story!"
"A story?" Merry said and laughed. "I have barely gotten through the door! Where is your father, where is Mrs. Brandybuck?"
"Mrs. Brandybuck is with mother" Rose said and blushed, a little shy even with a good friend of the family. "And father is out in the garden."
"I did not see him when I came" Merry said. "He must be somewhere in the back! I hear you've gotten a sister, my sincerest congratulations!"
"We already have sisters" Hamfast said. "I would rather have had a dog!"
"I don't think that would have been possible" Merry said.
"Tell us a story uncle Merry, please!" Daisy begged and gave up trying to climb up on his shoulders.
"I might tell you a story later" Merry said.
"No, now!"
Estella showed up in the doorway, having heard the commotion, and laughed when she saw her husband sitting on the floor, surrounded by children begging him for a story. It suited him to be surrounded by children hungry for stories. Merry looked up and their eyes met.
"Mrs. Brandybuck!" he said, and his smile widened. "There you are! It's mighty fine to see you again."
"You seem to be popular today, Mr. Brandybuck" she replied and leaned against the wall with a smile.
"A little too popular, I fear" Merry said and laughed. "I can't get up on my feet!"
"Now give him a little room!" Estella told the children, who obeyed reluctantly.
"Thank you dear" Merry said and rose to his feet, brushing his legs. "Seven little Gamgees I count. An eight greeted me at the gate, but where is the ninth and tenth? And most importantly, how is the eleventh doing?"
"She is doing fine, and so is the mother" Estella said. "Now come here and greet your wife properly."
Merry came up to her and gave her a kiss, but when he tried to give her a hug as well he was stopped by Sam's children tugging his arms.
"When will we hear a story, uncle Merry?" Daisy asked.
"Later" Merry said.
"When is later?"
Before Merry could answer Sam came through the front door, dirt on his hands and green spots on his clothes, making it obvious that he had indeed come from the garden. His face lit up when he saw his old friend.
"Merry!" he said. "You're here! Sit, let me get you some of the Gaffer's old ale!"
Merry obediently sat and immediately found himself with two children in his lap. Estella shook her head with a smile and lifted up young Bilbo into her own lap as she sat down opposite her husband.
"So here you are" she said. "How long do you wish to stay?"
"We should leave tomorrow, as much as I'd like to stay longer. Lucky could need his mother, and the rest of the children as well."
"How is Éowyn?" Rose asked.
"She is just fine, thank you so much for asking! She sends her love and wishes she could come and play."
"Would you like something to eat?" Sam asked, returning with a mug of ale for himself and one for Merry.
"I won't say no to that!"
Before long Sam, Merry and Estella were enjoying a generous serving of the leftovers from last night's dinner, although Sam was more concerned with humbly bragging about his new-born daughter than with eating.
"So when do I get to meet this little miracle of life?" Merry asked.
"As soon as we're done eating!" Sam promised. "Her name's Ruby, Ruby Gamgee, for she's quite the little gem!"
"I'm sure she is" Merry said. "It's a shame we can't stay for her name giving ceremony, but there are things to tend to at Brandy Hall. We will have to send our love and a bottle of wine with Pip and Diamond."
"How long will you stay?"
"We'll be leaving tomorrow" Merry said. "But I promise you Sam that whenever I can find a few days in a row without anything on my schedule I will come to stay for a while."
"Will you tell us stories then?" Goldilocks asked.
"Perhaps I will" Merry said.
"Leave him alone" Sam said. "Can you give him a little room to breathe at least?"
"Not as long as there's a story left to be told" Merry assumed with a smile. "My dear Sam, I don't think I knew what I was doing when I first started telling them stories!"
Sam shook his head and smiled. In truth he was looking forward to the story-telling as much as his children, there wasn't a story that he couldn't hear a hundred times over, especially those which were about people that he knew. He looked at his children and remembered how eager for a story he had been himself when he was little, always asking Bilbo Baggins to tell one. If only he'd known then that he had his own stories lying ahead of him, and that one day children would be begging their parents to tell them.
"It's great to be alone with you again" Merry said that night after getting into bed. "I have missed you."
"I feel the same way" Estella said. "And seeing little Ruby makes me long for my own children. I love being here at Bag End, but there is no place like home."
"Indeed there isn't" Merry said. "And home is not the same without you. It's going to be good to have you back."
"I wonder how long it will be before Rose announces that the twelfth baby is on the way" Estella said and sighed. "She'll be a mother of thirty before it ends!"
"All their children are lovely" Merry said. "Sam and Rosie sure are fertile, I wonder if Sam feels the need to make up for Pippin's inability to have more than one child."
"I wonder how long it will be before you and I have another one" Estella said and looked at her hands instead of at Merry.
"Who knows, maybe we won't have more than five?"
"So what does that mean? Are you and I going to sleep together yet apart for as long as I can still have children? That is a long time."
"No, that's not what I'm saying" Merry said and chuckled. "I'm just saying that you never know."
"Well then how long is it going to be? I'm getting tired of this now, I feel as if you no longer desire me."
"Lucky still needs you Estella, you have to focus on him before you can have another one" Merry said.
"So it is a punishment? For what happened with Lucky?"
"Will you stop that?" Merry sighed. "What is this crazy talk about punishment? Nobody's handing out punishment and I would wish you could have higher thoughts of me than that. Care for the children you have before putting another one into the world. You have enough to do with five, why only focus on having a sixth?"
"I'm sorry" Estella said and sighed. "It's just that I feel like you no longer want me. It's been almost a year now."
"But I do want you."
"Prove it" Estella said, challenging him.
Merry looked into her eyes, determined not to give in to her. But then somehow he found himself in her arms, somehow a lot less dressed than he had been just moments ago. He had almost forgotten how nice it felt just to kiss and touch, and he found himself giving in to her more and more with each passing second. When it dawned on him exactly what they were doing he forced himself to get back to his own side of the bed, withdrawing from her almost as if he had been burned.
"I'm sorry" he gasped.
Estella stared at him with shock, confusion and hurt. His behaviour confused her more than she could say and she wondered what was really bothering him. But he offered her no explanation, he snuffed out the lights and mumbled again that he was sorry. With a sigh Estella closed her eyes and tried to go to sleep.
Estella woke up later that night to find Merry gone. She sat up and noticed that he was sitting in the window, looking out at the stars above, seeming to be as far away in his mind as the stars. He had lit a candle which was on his nightstand but he probably wouldn't have noticed if the room was pitch black. His thoughts were not in the room anyway. He was wrapped in his robe, wearing no more underneath it than he had when she'd gone to sleep.
"Merry" Estella said, bringing him back to the room. "Is something wrong?"
"What a joke of a husband I am" Merry said and sighed.
"What?"
"What happened tonight… That shouldn't have happened. I am sorry."
"What did happen tonight?" Estella asked and got out of bed, grabbing her own robe.
"I should not have done what I did, I should not have answered your challenge."
"But… but how is that wrong? Were we not about to do what husband and wife have done for all time?"
"Yes" Merry said with a smile and turned his eyes back to the stars, clearly visible since he had moved the curtains. "But I promised not to."
"Promised who?"
"I am sorry for what I said to you when Lucky was being born" Merry said, not answering her question.
"That's okay…"
"No it's not. I meant what I said but I had no right to say it. You deserve a better husband than that, better than someone who only puts greater worries on your shoulders when they are already heavily burdened. I should have offered you only support, but I did not."
"I think I deserved what you said to me" Estella said. "And if that is the reason why we haven't been together for almost a year now, then it is folly."
"No, that's not the reason. It's just one more reason why I am a bad excuse for a husband. And you deserve better."
"Better than you? I could never find it." She sat down on the stool by the window and leaned her head against his knees. "A queer Hobbit you are… Queer indeed. Sometimes I wonder if you're still a Hobbit at all. And I often wonder what you would have been like if you had never left the Shire. I wish I had known you before you did."
"I grew up while I was away" Merry said. "Hobbits are children Estella, all of us! We are as oblivious to the happenings around us as a little child is to the happenings in the village he lives in. My eyes are opened now. I have grown up."
"You must think we're all incredibly silly" Estella sighed.
"Yes, fools you are, every single one of you" Merry said with a little laugh. "All so innocent, so naïve, so pure. That is what we all fought to save, and as much as I sometimes agree with Gandalf that a few natural disasters or two might do you all good I am glad to see that Hobbits are the same now as they were before Sharkey. I'm sorry that your husband is so queer though."
"I've gotten used to it."
"It seems I only get queerer by the year."
"This past year more than ever. What has happened, won't you tell me? I never thought I would speak so openly with you about what you and I do behind closed doors, but now I feel that I must. I long for you, each night. Do you not long for me?"
"Of course I do!"
"Then why haven't you come?"
"Because I promised I wouldn't get you pregnant again until Lucky was older. I do not wish to take any chances."
"Lucky is almost a year now."
"I know."
"Then what is keeping you? Who did you promise? Aren't I your wife, do you not wish for us to be as husband and wife?"
"You know I do… But you will be my wife no matter where we sleep with each other or next to each other."
"But it is what we do when we're alone that makes it special" Estella said. "What we do then I have never done with anyone but you, and you have only done it with me. It is something so special, something that we do out of love. I want to be as close to you as can be, in every way, I want to be your wife in every way."
"You are" Merry said.
"And you're my queer husband… You never feel more like my husband than when we're in bed together. I miss that and I want it back."
"I miss it too" Merry said and smiled gently at her. "But truth be told Estella I worry about your health."
"Why?"
"Your body may have taken harm from having a child before the time was right, we can't be sure. I worry what will happen if you get pregnant again."
"You're afraid something bad might happen?"
"I know it probably won't" Merry said. "But… I look at Lucky, and at Théo. Both of them born about a year after one of their siblings. I look at them and I wonder how come I couldn't let you rest for a little longer before I made you with child again. And I couldn't help but wonder, has my pleasure mattered more to me than your health? I at once realised that it couldn't possibly have, I was just being thoughtless, but it feels like I have to make sure. I have to know that I have the self-control to put your health first, because I love you and I cannot let anything be more important than that. I cannot lose you because I lusted for you."
"But now you know" Estella said. "Now you know that you can keep yourself from me. You've certainly proved it tonight, haven't you? Do you really wish for us to be just friends in our marriage? You have been keeping us from one of the finest things we have together, the very essence of what makes us husband and wife, the way we express our love. I cannot allow you to do that any longer, I can't go on denying my lust for you."
"We have many wonderful things even without it" Merry said with a gentle smile. "There is more to a marriage than just physical intimacy. Much more there is. But you're right… We shouldn't deny ourselves it anymore."
"We should be able to express our love for one another" Estella said. "And if it ends up in pregnancy then I will just be happy. I would not mind having as many little ones as Rosie does, but to be honest I never think of children while I'm with you at night."
"I don't know, Estella…" Merry said. "It's just so important to me to prove to myself that I can give up anything for your sake."
"Why give it up when I'm asking you not to?"
"It's getting very late" Merry said, avoiding to answer. "Why don't we go back to bed now, and finish this discussion at Brandy Hall? I'm too tired to do anything else than talk tonight anyway."
Estella nodded.
"I'm glad you finally talked to me. The next time you get something like this into your head, please tell me right from the start."
"I will…"
Estella rose and went back to bed. Merry took one last look out the window, wishing he could see the southeast, and then let the curtain fall.
They were woken up by a scream.
"What was that?" Estella asked, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
"It sounded like Rosie" Merry said, already out of bed, reaching for his robe.
"Rosie?"
Estella sat up and yawned, and rubbed her eyes again. She lit the candles on their nightstands and handed Merry the robe he was looking for, which had somehow ended up in the bed. He pulled it on just as Sam entered, looking distressed and with a candle in his hand.
"Mister Merry!" he said.
"I know" Merry said without giving him a chance to say anything else. "I'm on my way."
He grabbed one of the candles and hurried down the hall. Estella waited until Sam had followed before she got out of bed and pulled a nightgown over her head and then her robe around her. She grabbed the other candle and followed.
Merry rushed into Sam and Rosie's bedroom and found Rosie by the crib, pale in her face as if she'd seen a ghost. He hurried up to her side and looked down at the baby, who seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
"I can't wake her!" Rose said, near hysteria.
Merry gently pushed her aside and reached for the baby. He was busy trying to determine whether or not the little one was breathing or her heart was beating when Estella came and pushed Sam out of the way. She led Rosie to the bed and sat down with her, pulling her into her arms as Rose began to cry hysterically.
"There now…" Estella whispered, not knowing what to say or even understanding what was going on. "Everything will be fine…"
"Mister Merry!" Sam said. "What is wrong with her?"
Merry didn't answer. He was still trying to find out whether or not the baby was breathing. He thought he'd felt a heartbeat but he wasn't sure, and he needed to be sure.
"What is going on?" Elanor's voice came from the door where she stood together with her brother Ham.
"Go back to bed!" Sam ordered without looking at her.
"But…"
"I said go back to bed!"
Elanor looked from her father to her mother and to Merry who was leaned over the crib. She had been awakened and frightened by the scream, as had her brothers and sisters, and she knew she wouldn't be able to go back to sleep now. If only someone would tell her what was going on, she was seventeen years old and sure that she could handle whatever was wrong.
"Is this because what I said about wanting a dog?" Ham asked in a small voice, probably understanding what was going on better than his sister.
"Never heard of anything so silly!" Estella said, slightly annoyed. "You get back to bed, Hamfast Gamgee!"
"Back to bed Elanor" Sam commanded. "Now!"
With a sigh Elanor left with her brother, wondering exactly what was wrong. Sam wondered the same thing, he didn't know why his youngest daughter wouldn't wake up. He asked Merry again but he got no reply, and he wished he had some athelas lying around. That would surely help the baby, but there was no athelas to be found.
"Merry…" Estella said softly. "Talk to us, what is the matter?"
"She's dead, isn't she?" Rosie cried. "Oh Estella, if only I hadn't--"
"Shush now!" Estella said. "That had nothing to do with this, I don't want you to even think that it did!"
"But what if…"
Estella assured her again that it had nothing to do with it. She knew what Rosie was talking about, it wasn't hard to guess. She had not been happy to find out that she was pregnant again, and she had told Estella that she wished she would never have another child. Estella wasn't sure she'd meant it, but even if she had it had nothing to do with what was happening now. If only Merry would talk to them!
"Sam…" he said softly at last.
"Yes?"
"Sam, Ruby isn't breathing."
"But… but she has to be!"
"I am so sorry… but she's not. Her heart is not beating."
"She's dead?" Rosie asked through her tears.
"I'm afraid so."
"No" Rosie cried.
"She can't be dead!" Sam said and pushed Merry out of the way, lifting the baby from the crib. "She was healthy, she was just fine when we put her down in the crib! There was nothing wrong with her! She was not sick, nor hurt!"
"Come Sam" Merry said and took the baby from its father and put her back in the crib. "Come with me."
He grabbed Sam firmly by the arm and led him off to get him something with alcohol to drink. He had a feeling his friend could use it. He left Rosie in Estella's care and the baby with them. He didn't wish to stay around the dead child, it scared him, he had seen dead children before but never one he'd known very well. Never a good friend's child. Never a brother's child.
"What are you doing?" Sam angrily asked as he was dragged away. "You can't just stop, can't just leave her! She must be breathing, her heart has to beat, you have to check again!"
"It's no use" Merry said firmly. "Ruby was probably dead already when Rose's scream woke us all."
"How can you be so sure?"
"Her heart is not beating" Merry said, looking straight into Sam's eyes. "It is not. I am sure, absolutely sure. Trust me to make sure before I go and tell you that you've lost your child! You trust me, don't you?"
"She's dead?" Sam said, suddenly sounding so small. "She's really dead?"
"Yes. I can't tell you how sorry I am."
He gently pushed Sam down in a chair and found them both something to drink. Sam didn't seem to know what he was drinking, he just stared into thin air with a bewildered look on his face. Merry sunk down opposite him and wished he knew how to offer support. All he could think of was to sit there with his friend and gently hum a comforting melody, but that seemed to be enough. They sat in silence for a long time and then Sam looked at him.
"My little girl is dead?"
"Yes."
"So little… so young… Merely a few days old!"
"I am so sorry."
"Why am I sitting here? I should be with Rosie! Who's with Rosie?"
"Estella. But I think she'd rather be held by you."
"I want to see her!" Sam said and stood up.
Merry rose and followed him back to their bedroom where they found that Estella had managed to get Rose back into bed. They both looked up when their husbands entered and Sam hurried over to his wife.
"Oh Rosie…" he said.
Estella got up and stared at Merry, then she rushed up to him and hugged him tightly. Merry held her with one arm and closed the door with the other, giving Sam and Rose some privacy. Estella was weeping, and he wished he had more comfort to offer her. At the moment he was no comfort to anyone.
"Oh Merry" Estella sobbed. "Oh how awful… I must get back to Brandy Hall, I must see my little Lucky! What would I have done if it had been him? Poor Rose… I have to see him Merry, I have to know that he is okay!"
"Easy" Merry said. "Easy now. We cannot go back now, it's still night. And when the night is over it's going to be followed by the longest day in Rose's life, you cannot leave her now."
"I have to know that he's okay!"
"He is just fine" Merry said. "But now you've seen it. The worst thing any parent can experience."
"Why did it have to happen?"
"I don't know."
He broke the embrace and led her back to their room, which was still dark. He longed for the dawn, it seemed this night would never end. For a second his heart filled with fear that the days would once again come without a break of dawn, as during the end of the war. Estella seemed to have lost the ability to do anything but cry, now that she didn't have Rosie to be strong for, Merry had to take her robe off and get her into bed before he joined her and put his arms around her. He wished he could cry like she did, but he felt only empty inside. The night was dark, the dawn was not coming yet for a couple of hours.
Merry and Estella rode in silence, making no rush. One day had passed since Ruby Gamgee had died, they were on their way back to Brandy Hall to see their children. Estella had insisted upon it, she had to see that they were doing okay, but she didn't want to bring them to Bag End at the time, too much was going on there. Ruby would be buried in a few days, they would return to Bag End almost right away and this time with Pippin and Diamond. But they were both happy to get away for a day or two, Ruby's death had made them both think too much of Lucky and how close he had been to dying. Especially Estella felt a constant and strong desire to see her youngest child, she could not relax until she once again held him in her arms and knew he was alive.
"It almost makes me feel guilty" Estella said as they crossed the Brandywine Bridge.
"What does?"
"That our son, the one who was born prematurely and highly unlikely to survive, that he is alive while the healthy girl Rose gave birth to a few days ago is not."
"We don't know if she was healthy" Merry said. "She could have been ill only we didn't see it. And why feel guilty?"
"Because our son was practically seen as dead already when he was born. And he lived. Their daughter didn't."
"What happened with Lucky has nothing to do with what happened with Ruby. Instead of guilt you should be thrilled. He is alive and he is growing well."
"I'm freezing" Estella said and looked up at the sky. "The weather seems to be as sad as we are. When you came to Bag End the sun was shining bright, now the clouds fill the sky and the wind blows cold!"
Merry looked up at the sky. He hadn't realised that clouds had filled it, the sun had been shining when they'd left Bag End. There wasn't much wind, but it had to be quite windy up where the clouds were.
"I always find it harder to grieve in this kind of weather" he said. "The bright shining sun always warms me up when sadness chills me."
"I wonder if Sam and Rose are even aware that the weather's changed" Estella said. "If it were me, I don't think I would be."
"They will get through this" Merry said. "Sam can be strong for the both of them if needed. And Pip and I will support him, whatever he needs."
"What a blessed thing friendship is" Estella said. "Can it really help cure the pain though?"
"Yes" Merry said. "When the friendship is true. Pippin's written to Strider, Gimli and Legolas, they will surely send their condolences. I think it will help Sam a lot to know that his friends are thinking of him. We've learned years ago to draw our strength from that."
Merry felt a few drops of rain on his head, and then it was as if the sky had opened all of its sluices on them. The rain came pouring down as if out of nowhere, and he could hear Estella gasp as the weather took her by surprise.
"Where did all this come from?" she cried over the rain.
"I don't know!" Merry cried back. "But we can't stay in this weather, we'll give ourselves a cold!"
"We're going to be soaked through by the time we get home."
"Crickhollow's closer" Merry said. "At least the road is safer, the road to the Hall will be too slippery for us to ride fast!"
"Crickhollow? But Merry, I want to go to the Hall!"
"No" Merry decided. "Crickhollow it's going to have to be. We can't stay out in this weather, Estella! The best thing you can do for Lucky right now is to get yourself to a warm and dry place."
He drove Stybba to a gallop and headed for their old home. He was already soaking wet, the rain had caught them completely by surprise and he couldn't believe they hadn't seen the bad weather coming. By the time they reached Crickhollow the raining had increased, it seemed as if all the rain in the world intended on falling over the Shire this evening. Merry quickly dismounted and held Estella's pony for her while she did the same.
"I'm taking the ponies into the stables, it might take me a while to get them dry but it has to be taken care of!" he shouted to her over the roaring sound of the rain. "You go inside! Get a fire started!"
"Merry we're not going to get out of here before nightfall!" she cried back. "The rain is not going to stop! Why can't we continue to the Hall?"
"Because I won't have you come down with anything. We are just going to spend the night here, and you can continue on to Brandy Hall alone tomorrow. I'm going to have to go back to Sam, but you can hug and kiss the children from me."
"Are you sure you don't want to go on?"
"Yes. You will be too cold by the time we get there. Now go inside before you're a living icicle! Hurry! Start a fire!"
She nodded and gave him a kiss before she hurried off inside. She was shivering like mad, her whole body was cooled by the rain and she longed for that fire Merry had told her to get started. She called out Fatty's name, but then realised he wasn't there. He was at Brandy Hall, he hadn't lived at Crickhollow this winter. She wished he had, then he would be there now to help her get the fire going and to find them something warm to drink. She made up her mind to fix the fire first and then make tea to warm her up, and to warm Merry when he came inside.
Merry found her by the fire when he came back, sitting with her legs crossed and shivering in her wet clothes. He was a little warmer than she was, the heat from the two ponies had warmed him up as well as the physical labour of rubbing them dry. But Estella was wet and cold, and she needed to be dried up before she could warm up.
"Estella take those wet clothes of" he said and took his own wet jacket off. "We can hang the clothes by the fire, they'll dry faster."
"But what are we going to wear?" Estella said through hacking teeth.
"Go see if there are any towels we can dry ourselves with" Merry said. "Wear? We'll wear what we're wearing now, as soon as it's dried."
"And until then?"
"Don't be shy" Merry laughed. "Now go see if you can find any of those towels! And get those wet clothes off as soon as you can!"
She nodded and left to find something to dry them up with. Merry took his wet clothes off and hung them up to dry, then he stretched out on the white fur rug in front of the fire. Pretty soon he realised that he wouldn't need any towels, his skin dried quickly. His hair was a different matter, but he could live with wet hair.
Estella returned after a while, wrapped in a blanket and holding her wet clothes in one hand. Her long hair was dripping wet and it was getting her blanket more wet by the second. She told him that she hadn't been able to find any towels, they must have left none behind last time they moved out. Merry nodded.
"Fine then… I don't think we need any, in any case. I'm almost completely dry already."
Estella nodded and blushed, trying her best to keep her blanket wrapped around her while she hung her wet clothes up. Merry chuckled at her shyness and reached for the blanket which he tugged playfully.
"You won't get any dryer while wrapped in that thing" he said. "It's nearly as wet as you are! Come now, don't tell me that you're shy!"
With that he closed his eyes and sighed contently. He had always loved sitting by the fireside, and the rug was very comfortable. He could hear the blanket drop to the floor and noticed that Estella laid down with her head next to his but with her body in line with the fire, unlike him who had his head by the fire and his feet further away. He opened his eyes.
"Are you still freezing?"
"Yes."
"You'll warm up soon. I'm almost completely warmed up already. Can you believe this rain, where did it all come from?"
"I don't know, but I wished it would have stayed there" Estella complained. "I've longed so much to see my children, now I'll have to wait until tomorrow!"
"The children will be fine" Merry said. "Do you suppose they were out playing when the rain began? I should think they're wrapped in warm blankets by the fireside now, listening to stories and drinking hot cider…"
"Hot cider!" Estella exclaimed. "I was going to make tea! I completely forgot!"
"I can go make some tea for you" Merry offered. "Would you like that?"
"I was going to make it mainly for you" she answered with a smile. "And you look like you're comfortably stretched out now, I wouldn't want you to get up."
"Okay then… If you're sure!"
"I'm sure."
"Estella… Do you realise that we have never been alone like this before? Just you and me, nobody else in the entire hole?"
"You're right" Estella said. "But I'm glad we are alone."
"So am I" Merry said.
He was almost completely warmed up now. It was remarkable how fast he'd warmed and dried up once he'd gotten out of his wet clothes. He hoped Estella would dry as fast as he had, he was worried that she might come down with something. The last thing he wanted to do was to bring any illness to Bag End, they had enough to worry about.
He reached out his hand and placed it over hers. He could feel her fingers gently caressing the back of his hand. Yes indeed he was glad to be with her again, it felt like they had been parted for far too long when she had been at Bag End. He wondered what it would be like to leave her for months to go to Rohan. If he missed her after only a week how much would he not miss her after a few months? He hadn't been to Rohan for so long, the last time he had come back to the Shire he had met her and fallen in love with her. So much had happened since then, they had been married for thirteen years and he was now so used to her that he couldn't remember what it was like to be a bachelor. It was funny how things went.
She sat up next to him and he looked up at her. Would he even be able to leave her and the children for maybe even up to a year? He longed for the southeast more with each passing day, but would he be able to travel there again? It was no good thinking about that now. He wasn't going to go to the southeast this year, he knew that much, so there was no point in thinking about what it would be like to be parted from his family. He would cross that bridge when he got there, right now he was with his wife, alone with her in their old home. Right now he was going nowhere, at the moment he didn't even feel like he longed for the southeast, not while Estella was there with him, all alone with him.
The summer of 1438 offered lots of rain, both outdoors and in the hearts of the Hobbits who had lost a little lass. Even though they were Hobbits, and easy to bouncing back to happiness, the death of a young child saddened their hearts. Pippin made it his prime mission that summer to make Sam laugh, and even though he often succeeded he knew it would take his friend a while to get back to his old self again. Sam was sent gifts of condolence from Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli which helped warm his heart again but Merry and Pippin knew that there was one friend who couldn't send any word to him, the one friend Sam probably needed to hear from the most.
The rain that fell during most of the summer ceased to fall on September 22nd and would keep away for two more weeks. Sam, Merry and Pippin saw it as a good sign that the rain had stopped on the day of their annual celebration, this year, as most years, held at Bag End. They made up their minds to have the party outside and the sky was clear from all clouds when they sat down to have birthday dinner for two people who weren't there in person. Pippin and Merry came with their families as they had many times this summer and threw a party where it was decided that they should set aside all of their sorrows and just be happy.
Halfway through dinner Pippin decided that he needed to make a speech, and embarked on a long speech about friendship which in the end seemed to bore everybody but Sam and Merry. Diamond looked at Estella and shook her head. She didn't believe in friendship the way she once had, she felt betrayed by Estella and still jealous of Pippin's closeness with Merry. Sometimes she found she wished Merry would just go away for a while and give her a chance to have Pippin to herself, but she knew that if Merry went Pippin would either go too or sit around and mope until it drove her crazy. So she put up with his dependence on his cousin, but deep down she wished that he could stand on his own two feet without Merry.
When Pippin was finished with his speech Merry shared a look with Estella and then rose from his seat. He bowed and grinned at the people around the table.
"September 22nd, I always look forward to that day of the year, when I get to see the Hobbits dearest to my heart all gathered around the same table."
"You've seen that nearly once a week this summer" Pippin pointed out.
"Yes indeed I have, and for that I am thankful" Merry said.
"Oh goodness" Diamond sighed. "How long will you be talking about friendship, Merry? Is Sam up after you?"
"Dimesy" Pippin said and elbowed her side.
"Actually I didn't mean to talk about friendship" Merry said. "I had something entirely different on my mind… Something which seems fitting to announce while everybody's gathered. We usually don't seem to announce this type of thing, but I don't see why that is."
"Merry what are you talking about?" Pippin asked. "Have you been drinking too much of the Gaffer's old ale?"
Merry looked at Estella and smiled.
"I am talking about something that should be announced, not just brought up in conversation. You see, there is going to be a sixth child at Brandy Hall this winter."
"Congratulations!" Pippin cried and raised his half-pint.
Estella blushed and kept looking at Merry as he bowed again and sat down next to her while the other adults congratulated them. She hadn't known he would make an announcement until moments before he'd stood up, but she was glad that he had. This child had a special meaning to her, to them both, and it seemed fitting to announce the pregnancy this way.
After dinner was eaten Estella and Diamond helped Rose take the empty trays inside. Estella still sported blushing cheeks and Diamond jokingly pinched one of them to see if they could get any redder.
"Rose…" Estella said when her eyes met with her friend's. "I… I hope that… I hope that this doesn't make you uncomfortable. After Ruby…"
"No" Rose said. "It's all right. If I know Sam I'll be in the same condition soon enough as well, don't feel bad. I admit that it's hard to see an infant now, but I have to get used to it again."
"I didn't know Merry was going to make an announcement" Estella said and sat down by the table. "We hadn't talked about it earlier."
"Well it was a bit new to us all. But he's right, why don't we announce our upcoming additions to the family?"
"I guess he just felt that it was a bit special…" She blushed even more and looked down on her hands. "You see, this baby feels special to us in many ways."
With a smile she thought of the magical night they had spent together on the white rug in front of the fire at Crickhollow after being surprised by the rain. Both she and Merry knew that it had happened during that night, it was the only night they had spent together before she found out she was pregnant again three months ago.
"Are you going to elaborate that?" Rose asked, noticing that Estella's mind had drifted off to other places. "Do tell."
"For me it has a special meaning beyond what it has for Merry and me both" she said. "See, we… We went through some tough times last year, after what happened when I was expecting Lucky. And it took us until May to finally get back on our feet again, and the result is this pregnancy. It feels like a blessing, a sign of some sort. It feels like a confirmation that everything is going to be just fine with him and me."
"I'm happy for you" Diamond said. "Now how about we get the ice-cream outside? The children are waiting, and probably the fathers as well."
"You go ahead, Diamond" Rose said and handed Diamond the ice-cream.
"I hope they'll have the decency to leave some for us" Diamond muttered and went outside with the dessert.
"I'm glad, Estella" Rose said when Diamond had left. "I'm glad that you and Merry are doing fine. I wasn't aware that something wasn't right, I just hope… I just hope that it doesn't have anything to do with what I talked to you about shortly before Primrose was born."
"No, don't worry" Estella said. "Merry and I have put that behind us."
"Did you ever speak to him about it?"
"No… But I spoke to Pippin. And after we'd talked, I knew that I wanted no one other than my husband. Actually… I would like to thank you Rose. If you hadn't forced me to confront what went on all those years ago I might never have gotten the closure I think I needed."
"You're welcome" Rose said and smiled. "Now, mother Brandybuck, let's grab the remaining ice-cream and make sure we can get some of it before those seemingly famished Hobbits out there have eaten it all!"
Estella smiled and grabbed the ice-cream handed to her. She followed Rose outside and was relieved that they had shared a few words just now. Her friendship with Diamond seemed to have taken a hard blow that it might not recover from, but her friendship with Rose seemed to have healed.
A snowy winter followed the rainy summer, snow fell over the Shire for the first time in eight years and Merry and Pippin's children were amazed. Estella told Théodoc that their last winter of snow had been in 1430, and that the first snow had fallen on the night of his birth, making Théo feel very important. The children spent a lot of time outside, playing in the snow. They made snowmen, dug snow smials and rolled around in the whiteness that covered the ground.
Merry and Pippin took a day off from their duties and played with the children in the snow, proceeding to build a snow Ent. The children soon grew tired of what to them only looked like an ugly snow tree, and in the end Pippin and Merry had to give up since it was impossible for them to get a result which looked anything at all like an Ent. They played outside in the snow until Diamond came out from Brandy Hall and firmly told them that they had been outdoors for nearly twelve hours and would surely come down with the flu the whole lot of them.
Pippin and Merry herded the children off inside and then rode bareback to the nearest inn to warm up by the fire and have a nice pint of ale at the same time. At the inn they ran into Fatty Bolger who joined them by the fire.
"What a winter!" Pippin exclaimed and shook his head so that melting snow flew from his curls in every direction.
"Careful, you're getting that into my ale" Merry said with a laugh.
"What a winter indeed" Fatty said and eyed his friends. "It's been a while since I've seen you two, you've kept busy."
"There seems to be something with snow that makes people have lots of problems" Pippin said. "Either its that the neighbours are chopping firewood from their spruce tree or it's that they think they should get to sell things for a more expensive cost yet buy things cheaper from others. It keeps us busy, all right!"
"But don't blame it all on us" Merry said. "You haven't visited Brandy Hall a lot this winter, Fredegar Bolger!"
"Well, since my father passed away this summer I've had to take on the responsibility for my mother and my home" Fatty said.
"Well you're sure old enough to do it" Pippin remarked. "The rest of us took on those burdens and then some at a much earlier age."
"Tell me Merry," Fatty said, ignoring Pippin's comment, "how is Estella?"
"Better than ever" Merry said. "Resting, for once in her life, and I think she might even be enjoying it. She's got everybody fussing about her so much that she barely has to lift a finger herself. I think she'll be sad to see that change when the baby arrives."
"I will have to come then, to see my little nephew. Or niece, in case it would be a lass. My sister's sixth child…"
"Well I kept my promise" Merry said. "Lucky's going to be twenty months when this one arrives, if everything goes as planned. And please Fatty, come and visit us sooner than that! Estella's not having the baby for another three months."
"And come to the Smials!" Pippin said. "You little traitor, how come you always visit Merry but never me?"
"Because his sister is where I am?" Merry suggested.
"Tactical marriage on your part."
"My dear Pippin," Fatty said, "coming all the way to the Smials just to see you is a waste of time. I know very well that if I find Merry I find you as well."
"Right. Now I'm almost finished with my ale and we haven't sung a single song yet! Meriadoc, I am counting on your assistance!"
With that Pippin leapt up on a table, startling the people sitting by it, and began to sing his favourite drinking song. Merry joined him on the table and sang with him, cheered on by Fatty Bolger.
Ho! Ho! Ho! to the bottle I go
To heal my heart and drown my woe.
Rain may fall and wind may blow,
And many miles be still to go,
But under a tall tree I will lie,
And let the clouds go sailing by
"A drink to Treebeard's health!" cried Pippin at the end of the song and raised his mug in the air.
"Here, here!" Merry said and finished the last of his ale while lots of people around them drank to Treebeard's health without having a clue who Treebeard was.
Pippin grinned and called for another round of ales for himself, Merry and Fatty. Together the three drank and cheered, while Pippin and Merry together went through all of their favourite songs, many of which confused the people at the inn. Their songs were not always of Hobbit kind, many had they learned from men and elves and wizards and dwarves, and those were the ones which Merry sang with the most emphasise.
Together they rode back to Brandy Hall later that evening, singing the Drinking Song once again as they passed over the snowy landscapes. They had a rough year behind them, not only Sam's youngest daughter but also Merry's father-in-law had passed on, and Merry had a strong feeling that his mother wouldn't live for much longer either. The crops had gone bad because of all the rain and people worried that the flu would come back this year. But they looked at the upcoming year with much joy and anticipation, after a year like this things could only get better. Merry would have a child born in the beginning of the year and they saw that as a good sign. 1439 was sure to be a much better year than 1438 had been.
I would love a review… =) But be gentle! The next part will be up before Christmas with any luck, it depends on my schedule.