Author's Note: After doing some sorting-outing on my dates and figures I found that this chapter didn't need much changing and rewriting at all! Yay! An uneven chapter with some blah parts and some more important ones.
Disclaimer: Most characters and past events belong to JRR Tolkien.
"Frodo Gamgee is here to see you, Master" a voice said and interrupted Merry's work. Merry looked up.
"Frodo Gamgee?" Merry said and put his pen down by the stack of papers in front of him. "Excellent! Send him in!"
"Aye, sir."
The Hobbit bowed and opened the door wider for Sam's oldest son. Merry smiled at the lad and rose from his chair to greet him. He knew why Frodo had come, Estella had been at Bag End for a week to midwife Rosie's thirteenth child. The child had now made his or her entrance in the world, and Merry was glad. Now Estella could come home.
"Come in, Frodo lad!" he said and gestured toward an armchair. "Have a seat. Your father sent you, did he? Everything went well I hope."
"No, everything did not go well" Frodo said rambling. "And it was not dad who sent me. It was Madam Estella."
"Why Estella?" Merry said and frowned.
"I don't know much…" Frodo said nervously. "All I know is that a long time has gone by and still the child hasn't been born. Estella told me to ride as fast as I could. They need your assistance." Frodo nervously swallowed. "My mother needs your help."
"Then rush down to the stables, have them fetch Stybba from his pastures. I shall get some of my things and ride at once."
Frodo nodded and hurried out. Merry grabbed his medicine bag and made sure he had every herb he might need in it. Rose was no young lass, Merry hoped there wasn't anything serious wrong with the delivery. It was probably hard enough as it was. He hurried out and ignored the saddled pony offered to him by a stable boy who thought Frodo had been confused when he told him to fetch the Master's favorite pony. Instead Merry rode off on the otherwise retired Stybba, using neither reins nor saddle. His swift pony carried him to Bag End twice as fast as Frodo could ride, Merry only hoped it would be fast enough.
Estella glanced at the clock on the wall for the hundredth time and wondered how much longer Merry would be. Time was running out. It was late in the evening, a very cold January day, Estella felt she hadn't seen the sun in weeks. She had almost forgotten what it looked like. While waiting for Merry she tried to help Rosie in whatever way she could, but there was little she could do for her now. She knew Rose needed aid, and she needed it fast. She had needed it for too long already. If only help would come. If it didn't come soon, there would be no need for it once it came. It would already be too late.
Suddenly the door flung open and Merry entered, carrying his medicine bag in one hand and getting his coat off with the other, handing it to Merry Gamgee. His cheeks were red with the cold outside, his hair a mess from the fast ride, but even though he looked affright he was the best sight Estella had seen in ages.
"Elanor, get me some hot water and some towels" Merry commanded. "Estella, you let me know what the situation is."
Elanor quickly obeyed and ran off, Merry kneeled by Rose's bedside and lay a cool hand on her burning forehead. Rose was soaking with sweat, breathing heavily and had a tormented look on her face. When she felt Merry's cool hand she opened her eyes slightly. Merry could see that she was almost out of strength.
"Estella, fill me in" Merry repeated.
"Things looked bad even from the start" Estella said. "It just took so long, and Rose was weak even from the beginning. And then it was as if it just stopped, the pain still comes but nothing happens. It's been this way for a long time now. The birth started four days ago."
"Four days!" Merry exclaimed. "My lord, you should have had me here three days ago then! Let us pray you weren't too late!"
A faint sound came from Rose, who was too tired to even cry from the pain. Merry grabbed a cloth and wiped her sweaty forehead.
"Don't try to talk" he said. "Save your strength. You're going to need it. I'm going to need it. I need you to birth this baby with me, I cannot do it alone."
"I can't do this" Rose whispered and her eyes filled with tears. Merry had never seen such tortured eyes before.
"You can and you will" Merry said. "There is still a chance Rosie. At least you're not bleeding very badly. I'm going to make you a brew which will give you strength and easen the pain. Try to stay awake, Rose. It will all be over soon."
Soon turned out to be another five hours away. Early in the morning five days after her birth had begun, Rose could finally see and end to her odyssey. Merry had lifted her up so that she was standing on her knees, but she was too weak to maintain that position so she leaned back completely on Estella who was standing on her knees behind her. With each contraction Merry had Estella push Rosie's belly so that the child moved downward, and as soon as he could Merry grabbed the baby and pulled from the other direction. The room was completely silent except for Rose's heavy breaths. She was barely aware of what was going on, her whole world was just one big torture chamber and she felt she had lived in this pain forever. Merry was far more worried than he dared to let on, he had never seen anyone so weak in this state before. She barely had the strength to open her eyes or clench her fists, even though she tried to the best of her ability it was Merry and Estella who made the baby move toward the world outside. Rose let them do whatever they wanted to with her and when she was finally freed from the baby her body went limp and she fainted in Estella's arms.
Now that it was finally over Estella began shaking like a leaf, seeking comfort in Merry's presence. He was an even bigger mess by now, but she found everything about him wonderful. He had come through for them. She wanted to tell him how amazing he was and how much she loved him, but now was not the right time. He was cradling the baby and examining it. Then he put the baby down beside him and concentrating on getting the placenta out. Estella frowned in confusion.
"Don't put the baby down like that! What are you doing?"
"Quiet! Help me."
She obediently helped him free the unaware Rose of the last part of the delivery while it slowly dawned on her what was going on. He had said 'quiet', and that was exactly what the room was. Everything had gone silent when the baby was born. There was no sound, save from their own breaths.
"Why is the baby not crying?" Estella asked firmly, shaking even worse.
"Keep her steady. Put Rose down gently, we need to do everything we can to prevent her from bleeding to death."
"Why is the baby not breathing?" Estella repeated, nearly shouting.
"Because it's a stillbirth."
Sam was asleep when Merry left Rose's side an hour later. He had tried to stay awake the first night, but when days had gone by he had given up and realized he didn't help Rose by not sleeping. He was still wearing his clothes and when Merry woke him up he flew to his feet and hurried off to get them both something to drink. Merry slowly followed, wondering where he would find the strength to have this conversation with Samwise.
"I can never thank you enough" Sam said and began pouring some wine into two glasses. "I hope you know that."
"Do you have a name picked out?" Merry asked.
"Daffodil, if a girl. Tolman if a boy. But we would call him Tom."
"Sam… You should have sent for me days ago."
"I know."
"If you had sent for me, Tom might have lived."
"Might have lived?" Sam echoed and looked up.
"I am so sorry Sam. But he was stillborn. It took too long, he got no oxygen. He was probably dead days ago."
Sam didn't say anything. Slowly the news, which he had half expected, sunk in. He looked completely lost and swallowed hard several times. He lifted one of the glasses of wine to drink but shook so much that he spilled half on the floor.
"I am so sorry Sam" Merry said. "And at the same time I must tell you how fortunate you are, friend."
"Fortunate?" Sam said, with anger and disbelief in his voice, slamming the glass back down on the tray. "How can anyone be called fortunate to have a stillborn child? You do not know the pain, that horrible pain of having one of your children die! You are the fortunate one, you who never even came close to feeling this sort of pain!"
"I almost lost my Lucky" Merry reminded him. "Trust me, I know how it feels. But losing children is not what this is about right now. What my words meant is that you'll be fortunate if all you lose is your lastborn."
"How can you say that?"
"Dear Sam… It is not only the child whose life has been at stake. Rose's life hangs by a thread. Be fortunate if you do not lose her as well."
"Rosie?" Sam said, looking almost confused. "There's nothing wrong with Rosie. She's had babies before, there's never been a problem!" His voice was getting more and more desperate. "No, Rosie is fine!"
"Sam…" Merry said gently. "She has lost a lot of blood. She is weak." His voice went from gentle to firm, almost hard. "She should never have had this child to begin with."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying…" Merry stepped closer to his friend. "If she lives through this it is nearly a miracle. A miracle which will never happen again. Do you understand? The next birth will be her death, if not this one."
"But…"
"No buts" Merry said. "You must listen to me now. Never again must you make her with child! The fate of your wife, if she survives these upcoming days, will be all your concern. Her life is in your hands and yours alone, should she live through the next couple of days."
"My Rosie has had thirteen children" Sam said and glared at his friend. "Thirteen! And each and every time it has gone well, until today. Just as well as those first twelve children shall it go the next time."
"There can't be a next time" Merry said. "Aren't you satisfied with eleven living children? What more could you possibly ask for? She is dying in there, Samwise! I have done all that is in my power but I do not know that it is enough! Do you really want to put her through what she is going through now once more?"
"Once in thirteen" Sam said. "There's a chance on one to twelve that it won't happen the next time around."
"It will happen the next time" Merry said. "She is not young anymore, Sam. Her body hasn't gotten any rest for over 20 years! Every child that is born puts a strain on its mother, and Rose cannot take anymore. Do you understand? I mean what I say. She will not survive another birth! If she survives this one you will have to care for her, tend to her well. She mustn't do any hard chores, get a lot of rest each day and eat good food. I hear from my own love that Rose has not felt well for years now. If she's not carrying another baby in her womb she's carrying one in her arms. Often both at the same time. Sam she is close to falling apart."
"Who are you to come here and exhort me?" Sam angrily asked. The long days of worry and the lack of sleep had clouded his judgment, and he could not believe that he had a stillborn child, a possibly dying wife and lots of blame suddenly put on his shoulders. "Do you think you can just come here and lecture me? Do you think I cannot care for my own wife? Wouldn't I know it if she were weary?"
"She wished for Hamfast to be her last child" Merry said. "Did you know that? Whenever she visits the Hall without you she hands the children she brings over to Estella and just sleeps through the days, did you know that? She feels she does not know more than half of her children since she has no time to spend with them, did you know that?"
"Quiet!" Sam cried. "You do not know my wife better than I do! And do you know what you are asking me to give up?"
"I am asking you not to give up your wife" Merry said.
"You are asking me to give up all that we have together now" Sam said. "Our days are so busy that the only quality time we have together is behind closed doors."
"You and I both know what the reason for that is. Sam listen to me now. Is making love more important to you than Rose's life?"
"Of course not" Sam said in a small voice after a short pause. Suddenly he looked small and childlike instead of furious as he had seconds before. "Of course not."
"Then why can you not give it up? I know it is hard. But do it for Rosie… I think she really needs to know that you care more for her. I should not be telling you this. I should not even know this. But Estella told me tonight what Rose once told her in confidence. Something she has tried to hide for years. Rose finds no joy in intimacy anymore, for her all it means is that she will be laid down in her bed of pain once again. I think she really needs to know now that you see that and that you are willing to give intimacy up for her."
"Can I see her?" Sam asked.
"I have to see first what state she is currently in" Merry said, hesitating slightly. "And… I do not think she will be awake. I want her to sleep now and recover her strength. But I will go check up on her and when it is fitting for you to see her, I will let you in."
Without looking at Sam Merry headed for the door. Rose would have to be cleaned up before Sam could see her, but more importantly she had to be given something to make her sleep and to still the bleeding. She was too weak for Merry to be comfortable with it, though she wasn't doing any worse than he had expected. In truth he didn't expect her to survive.
"Merry!" Sam said as Merry was on his way out the door. "What I said… about never being able to thank you enough…"
"Yes?"
"I still mean it."
"I know you do."
An hour later Sam slowly stepped into the room where Rosie lay. Estella had removed all blood stained sheets and cleaned Rose up so that she looked more presentable. Then she had gone to bed, exhausted from several nights' wake.
"I will get my sleep while I can" Merry said to Sam. "If she gets worse, you wake me. If she wakes up, you wake me. When you leave her, you wake me. You mustn't go to sleep before you do, is that clear?"
"Yes" Sam said and sat down on the chair by Rosie's bedside. Afraid to even touch her he ever so carefully took her hand. She looked so pale and fragile. He heard the door close behind him as Merry left them.
For the longest time he held Rose's hand and watched her sleep. He wanted to think that she looked peaceful but the truth was that she didn't. She looked pained and troubled, and for the first time Sam saw what Estella had seen for years. He saw how weary Rose was, how worn out and spent. He had not wanted to see it before, he had closed his eyes to it. But he could not close them anymore. His heart filled with fear that she would die before she could wake up and he could tell her how sorry he was and how much he loved her. She had given him everything. She had given him his life back. Everything that was taken from him during his journey she had given him back. He was still a Hobbit thanks to her. He was not disillusioned, homesick for foreign lands or unable to let go of the past as Pippin and Merry were. Everything he was today was thanks to Rosie Cotton, who had agreed to be his wife.
"Oh Rose, I'm so sorry…" he said gently and hoped she could hear him. "I never meant for you to end up this way. I never meant for you to be so spent. I never meant for any of this. I love you Rose. I'm so sorry for everything. I promise you it all ends today. No more. No more children, okay? As long as you live…"
Rosie did not respond. She was deep in her sleep, sleeping hard on the brew Merry had with Estella's help gotten her to swallow. It was sleep that she very much needed, but it didn't comfort Sam. It was too scary to know that she might not wake up again.
"It is odd…" Sam said. "I've always been thankful that I'm not dependant on anyone. Masters Merry and Pippin depend far too much upon each other, and Merry on that White Lady of his. They need others to get by in their day. But not me. I don't depend on anyone that way. Days go by at a time without me thinking of Mister Frodo, the Lady is on Merry's mind always. I was able to move on but they live too much in the past and rely too much on others. I don't depend on anyone. Or so I thought. I see now that I depend on you." Tears began to fall down his cheeks. "For what am I to do if you should die? How am I to raise eleven children all by myself? I can see how the days would pass without you, with twelve dining at a table where there should have been thirteen. Fifteen. You have to stay with me, Rose! It isn't fair! You mustn't leave me now! What am I to do if the warmth and joy of this hole fades? Forgive me Rose. Stay with me. Please. You mustn't go to take care of Tolman, Ruby is looking after him now. I know she's only three, but she'll make a wonderful older sister. And your living children need you more. As do I. Stay."
Merry frowned. Something had woken him. He squinted in the still lit room and realized he had in his fatigue forgotten to snuff out the lights. Right now he didn't feel awake enough to make an effort to rise and blow the candles out. He shared a confused glance with Estella, who was also just awake. She was far more tired than he was, and yet for all her weariness there was something very awake in her eyes.
"How is Rose?" she asked.
"Asleep."
"Good."
She nodded slightly to herself. Rose needed every second of sleep she could get. So did Estella, but for now she was awake.
"Blessed that it be not you" Merry said with his voice nearly breaking with emotion. "And it never shall be. I will not let it happen."
"You cannot control all things, Master Meriadoc" Estella said. "Neither can your mighty friends. All you can do is pray that it won't happen."
"It won't" Merry said. "I will not have you in such pain. I will not wake by your side as you stand on the threshold between life and death."
"Come now" Estella said gently. "Don't talk of such things now. Be thankful for what you've got."
"I always am."
He clenched his fists in frustration over what had happened during the endless night, and what still lied ahead of them. He was both sorry for Sam and mad at him at the same time, and hated that he was so powerless. He would never in his life permit that Estella ended up like Rose was now, he would sooner see another war. He reached for Estella and sought to relieve his frustration with her. She complied even though she was weary, also in the need of relieving her frustrations that had been building up over the past days. They were both asleep again before their hearts had slowed down to their original paces.
Elanor, Rose and Goldilocks all shared looks around the table. Frodo, Merry and Pippin stared at their plates. Nobody said a word. The six oldest children were old enough to understand what was going on, the five younger were intimidated by the silence. And the father was too filled with guilt to have anything to say. All that was heard was the ticking of the clock.
All twelve members of the family jumped when the door was opened and Merry entered. The youngest sighed in relief that it was only uncle Merry, the older feared to ask what his reason for disturbing them during a meal was. They knew that if Rose Gamgee died, word would come through Merry Brandybuck.
"Sam" Merry said. "A word, old friend."
"Can I offer you anything to drink?" Goldilocks exclaimed and flew to her feet. She was only ten, but during the past few days she had been the madam of the house. Elanor had been with their mother and young Rose had taken care of the youngest children. The household had been Goldilocks'. Now she was willing to offer Merry anything under the sun that would delay him giving word of their mother's death.
"No thank you, Goldie" Merry said. "Sam?"
Goldilocks slowly sunk down and Sam rose just as slowly. He wiped his mouth with his napkin, then folded it neatly and placed it by his fork. Slowly he left the room and followed Merry to one of the bedrooms, where they could speak in private.
"It's Rosie, isn't it?" Sam asked before Merry could speak.
"Naturally" Merry said.
"She's dead."
"No, not quite. Not yet at any rate. She seems to be recovering. Though I dare not tell you she is out of the woods quite yet, Estella has managed to feed her some soup. That is a good sign. That means there's hope."
"Oh thank heavens" Sam said and smiled.
"Remember Samwise…" Merry said firmly. "She is only safe and sound for as long as you let her be."
"Pardon me?"
"Remember what we spoke about? I know this is hard for you, but you must say goodbye now to the pleasures you knew in her bed."
"Why do I have to do that?" Sam asked. "I know what you give your wife in secret. I know what tea she drinks. Why are you asking me to give up what you yourself will not?"
"Sam" Merry angrily said. "What is this now? What are you talking about?"
"That tea that you make her drink each morning, that prevents her from coming with child?" Sam said harshly. "You don't think I know of it? I know for a fact that although you wish not to have a seventh child by her you do not keep from her bed. Not even last night, when I came to wake you up, did you keep away!"
"Now wait just a minute!" Merry said. "First of all who are you to eavesdrop on me and my wife? I cannot believe you did that! And second of all I have kept from her! For a full year I did not touch her! Can't you show Rose that you care more for her well-being than for your pleasure? Is that so much to ask?"
"Ask it not of me when you do not ask if from yourself."
"I will never give Rosie any tea" Merry said firmly. "It is not in my hands. I am not her husband. I am not the one who has to prove to her what I value the most. You owe it to your wife to make that sacrifice!"
"Don't you go telling me what I owe and do not owe her! Speak not of things you know nothing about!"
"Do this for her" Merry said. "For crying out loud, Sam! It is her life we're speaking of! What has gotten into you?"
"You always think you're so much better than the rest of us" Sam snarled. "The wondrous Meriadoc Magnifico! Healer, mighty leader, always wise! You think you are superior to everybody else. Why? Because you're dear friends with some lady in a faraway land that nobody here has heard of or even cares about? Because you threw Sharkey out of the Shire? Which one of us was the one who followed Frodo every step of the way?"
"And who was the one who rode for ruin and the end of the world at the Pelennor?" Merry retorted. "Why do you drag the War into this? But if you insist then I shan't be any better than you! Who is the one who attacked a Nazgûl, might I ask? You didn't for Frodo! Who is the one who has already kept himself from his wife without her life being at risk? And who is the one who won't do it even at the cost of his wife's life?"
"I don't want to risk her life" Sam snarled. "But you and I both know that I don't have to even if I don't give up on her bed. You couldn't keep from Estella for more than a year, you expect me to keep from Rose for the rest of my life?"
"I would keep from Estella if her life depended on it" Merry said.
"No you wouldn't. You would give her that tea and keep all your goodies."
"You listen to me now Samwise and you listen good" Merry said and stepped closer, looming over his shorter friend with fury in his eyes. "No method is completely safe save for each night being chaste. That tea Estella drinks prevents pregnancy, yes, but it is not completely safe. She could be with child as we speak. Having a seventh child won't kill her unless bad fortune is out to get me. She could have another three without any problem. Rose can't. Rose will die if she has another one, do you understand me? Sure, I know ways to end a pregnancy which is risking to harm the mother, but that won't help Rosie."
"Only because you don't want it to."
"When did I ever wish bad things for you?" Merry asked. "I can terminate a pregnancy when the mother has a faint heart or is ill, or in other ways is at risk during a delivery. But believe me when I say, terminating a pregnancy will be fatal for Rose as well. She is broken inside. Another child would cause more things to break and bleedings which I do not have the power to stop. She would die, be sure of it. She can never again, not ever be put at risk of having another child. She will die if she becomes gravid again. I promise you that, I swear it on everything we once risked our lives for. Her next pregnancy will be her doom. Are you really willing to risk it? Are you willing to put her life at stake? Are you?"
"No" Sam said, and broke down crying. "No I'm not. I need her."
Merry pulled him close and hugged him as he wept. He didn't know what to say. He had never thought Sam would react the way that he had, he was taken completely off guard. Never would he have expected him to argue with him when it came to saving his wife's life. He only hoped Sam would stay as true to his word as he always had in the past.
"Swear it to me now… Swear that as long as your wife is still able to become with child, you shall not go to her bed. Swear."
"I swear" Sam wept. "I'm so sorry Mister Merry. I don't know why I lashed out at you this way. I just lost too many things at once. This was the one thing I could actually try to do something about. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too" Merry said. "You're forgiven Sam. And don't call me Mister."
Rose felt like she hadn't slept in years. In truth she had been asleep for most of five days. The past week was one dark cloud in her mind, one she couldn't see through and she couldn't escape. She knew by now that the baby was gone, and that she was supposed to be lucky that she wasn't gone as well. Yet all she could do was grieve, grieve over the baby that was lost, the baby who had been lost to them for three years, the days of her youth and strength which were gone forever. She remembered the first years, they had been the happiest of her life. She had loved her husband and her children, had been very proud of her growing family. But then somewhere along the road the children had become too many, the chores too heavy and the hours of the day too few. Now she was old, much older than her years, and she was ill.
Estella was by her side, tending to her all of her waking hours. When she slept, Sam was there instead. Merry came and went, always with a worried frown on his face and something for her to drink to heal her in one way or another. Once Pippin had visited her as well. She knew he had been at Bag End for a day, and given Sam a great tell-off over how ungrateful he was for not being content with eleven beautiful children. Pippin, who only had one of his own and knew of what he spoke. When Pippin had left, he had taken the six youngest children with him to the Smials. The five who were still at Bag End took care of all the chores and smothered their mother whenever Merry gave them a chance. There was nothing for Rosie to worry about, no chore that needed to be done and no child who needed to be taken care of. Yet she could not feel rested.
By her side Estella finished the meal Frodo had brought her and then washed her hands carefully. Her hands were as busy as always even though her body was unusually still. Rosie knew that she longed for her own home. She longed for her children and for her own halls, longed to have her husband to herself. Rose was a burden to her, she knew it. She hated being a burden but there was nothing she could do about it. She was bound to her bed, she would stay in it for days to come. It would be a long time before her strength was recovered.
"Oh Estella dear…" she said. "Look at you. Poor thing. I see in your eyes how you long for your daughters and sons. How you wish you could spend just a few hours all to yourself, caring for no one other! And here I lie, tying you to my side. Please, go home. Do not trouble yourself with me, you've done so much already."
"That's the silliest thing I have ever heard, Rose Gamgee" Estella said. "What kind of a friend would I be to leave you at this hour of need? I have seen you through this far, I can see you through till the end. I am going nowhere."
"I am sorry to be such a burden."
"Rose, for twenty-one years you have been burdened by others. Let someone take care of you now for a change."
"For as long as it lasts, in any case" Rose sighed. "I'll be back in the birthing bed by next year. You'll see."
"Do you not recall what you and Sam spoke of last night?" Estella said. "He swore to you there would be no more children."
"Did he?" Rose asked.
"Indeed he did. Your mind is confused at the moment. Rest love, and when you're rested you shall rise from your bed and devote yourself to loving the little ones you've got. They're all you've got now. You'll never have more."
Rose smiled slightly.
"How will I ever be able to thank you?"
"You lived" Estella said. "What better way to thank me is there?"
Rose nodded slightly. She wondered to herself if she really wanted to have survived. But she knew that thought was crazy. She had eleven children who needed her. And she had Sam. He needed her too. She could not die and leave them behind. She would have to rest and regain her strength, for Sam and for their children. And for herself.
Rose looked at ten children of her eleven with a lump in her throat and wondered if she was doing the right thing. Sam had insisted, and Pippin and Merry had backed him up. She needed to get away for a while, but more than that she needed healing. If she were to visit the Houses of Healing in Minas Tirith she could be healed by Elessar King and would most certainly feel much better afterward. But she hesitated.
Sam was on a pony next to her and young Merry was helping Elanor into her saddle. Elanor was to come with them on their journey, to tend to her mother and to serve the Lady Arwen as she had once sworn to do. The oldest of the Gamgee children was not very pleased with having to leave either, she preferred to stay in the Shire and not travel the roads her father had once walked. But her mother needed her and she had to go. All of her life she had been forced to be responsible and look after others, it was her destiny as the oldest of the children. They called her Elanor the Fair, there was no lass in Hobbiton who could compete with her looks, yet she had little benefits from it. She hardly ever had time to enjoy herself at parties, always looking after her younger siblings, and the thought of marriage was far from her mind. Rose couldn't help but feel that her daughter's youth and beauty was being wasted. It was an odd fate that the fairest of her children, the one whose beauty was only challenged by Éowyn of Buckland, would be the one always kept at home. Life was not fair. But nobody had ever said it would be.
Rose could hear Sam giving instructions to young Rose and Frodo, the oldest of the children staying at home. They were to obey Peregrin and Meriadoc at all times, the two would take turns in staying at Bag End with the children, but Rose and Frodo were also to look after household, garden and siblings. Sam's duties as mayor would be looked after by old Tolman, though Rosie cringed every time it was mentioned. Tolman had been the name chosen for the little one who never got to take his first breath. She also worried about the household, she wondered if it was a good idea to leave everything in the hands of two teenaged children.
"For the last time, madam Rose" Peregrin said, noticing the look on her face. "The children will be fine. Bag End will still be standing where you left it when you return. You've got nothing to worry about. Go and let Strider heal you!"
"I'm worried" Rose mumbled. "It's a long journey and unpredictable weather."
Pippin unclasped his cape and handed it to her.
"Here. Take my cape."
"Oh Thain, I couldn't!" Rose gasped. "This is your Elf cape!"
"It will protect you from unfriendly eyes and help keep you warm and dry" Pippin said. "You need it far better than I do. I want you to wear it on your journey."
"But it could get lost! Or torn!"
"Then so be it. At least it came to good use. Please. Take it."
Rose nodded slightly and accepted the cape without another word. Shivering she clasped the Elven brooch around her neck. She could feel how soft and warm the cape was. It didn't belong around her shoulders, it was meant for a fellowship member, but Pippin had already walked off and she couldn't return it now. She only wished she would be able to keep it safe.
"You have a safe journey now, Samwise" Merry said and gave Sam's pony a pat on the neck. "Give our love and letters to Strider and everyone else, you hear?"
"I'll give your love to Strider naturally, but I'd feel uncomfortable giving it to the Lady" Sam said and blushed.
"I thought she was merely some lady in a faraway land that nobody has heard of or even cares about" Merry said with a laugh.
"Now that's not nice of you, to use my words at upset times against me."
"Just tell her how much I long for her and that I shall hope to dine by her side within a year or two" Merry said with a smile. "You can handle that, can't you? Now off you go, while the sun is still shining. Follow the marked paths on the map and be sure to get extra provisions in Rivendell before you travel south!"
"All right, all right!" Sam said. "I've followed these roads before!"
"Twenty years ago. Be safe, now."
"And the best of luck to you and Pippin, keeping an eye on the younger Gamgees!"
"Sam, you needn't worry about a thing!" Pippin said. "After all, you're talking to a leader of Tooks. I'm used to having lots of crazy people running around in every direction, trying to keep an eye on all of them."
"That doesn't sound flattering" Sam objected with a frown.
"Bye now" Pippin said with a grin and gave Sam's pony a smack on the behind to make him charge.
"Will a year in Gondor make mother better?" young Rose asked Pippin and Merry as Sam, Rose and Elanor rode off.
"It will" Merry said. "Don't you worry about a thing."
"She is my mother" Rose pointed out. "I do worry."
Merry chuckled and Pippin shook his head with a smile.
"Young Rose… Strider has healed people far more sick than your mother. She will be just fine. I promise."
Watching Sam, Rose and Elanor ride off Merry shared a look with Pippin. What they wouldn't give to be riding to Gondor too. But it was not their turn. They would have to wait another few years. Sam had waited far too long already.
"I must congratulate you" Pippin said and gave Merry a pat on the back. "I hear you've finally looked your foal in the eye, the one you've been wishing for a ridiculously long time. Good things to those who wait, huh?"
"Yes, I finally have my foal" Merry said. "With Stybba as the father and Snowy as the mother it should be a very fine foal indeed. Snowmane is his name."
"How inventive" Pippin remarked. "When do I get to see the little miracle?"
"Go look at him now if you'd like" Merry said. "I have brews to cook, I cannot escort you, but you know the way to the stables."
"Of course I do" Pippin said with a grin. "I didn't half grow up here with nothing to show for it." Then he looked at his cousin with a frown. "Brew, huh? Lucky's still sick?"
"I don't even know how he caught the mumps" Merry sighed. "None of his brothers and sisters have had it!"
"Better hope it stays that way" Pippin said. "And we'd better hope none of the Gamgees catch it. Do you want me to stay at Bag End until Lucky is better?"
"Please" Merry said with a slight smile. "I'd hate to leave him now. I'd send Estella, after all she was their nanny once, but she won't leave Lucky either. Take care of your own before you take care of others'. So how are the little Gamgees doing?"
"Oh just fine" Pippin said. "Little Rosie is bossing everyone around, Goldilocks is trying to be the mistress of the house now that their mother is gone. Frodo has fled to the gardens, Merry to the stables and Pippin is trying his best to avoid his younger brothers. Meanwhile Ham and Bilbo are at each other's throats all the time and I think Daisy is trying to set a new record in losing baby teeth. And old Tom runs in every now and then to find some papers Sam has left someplace. His sense of order is not what it should be."
"A full house" Merry said. "I don't know how Sam does it, to be honest. Keeping track of six is work enough. Cordy runs off every chance he gets, Lucky follows and gets ill, and I think Éowyn is trying her best not to be of any help at all to her mother. Whenever she can she follows me. I wish she'd tell her brother to do so instead, Theo needs to learn what his future will be like. He will have responsibilities. He needs to be familiar with them as soon as possible. A future Master of the Hall cannot be as withdrawn from duties as he is."
"All in good time" Pippin said. "Let him be young while he still is."
"That's part of the problem, he really isn't. He rarely plays with his brothers, he never rides unless he's forced to, he never goes out hiking or does anything irresponsible whatsoever… All he does is keep to himself or follow Éowyn around."
"You were a bit serious as a youngster too" Pippin said. "Good thing you had me to spice up your life."
"While Théo is too calm, Cordy and Lucky are too wild" Merry complained with a sigh. "I'd wish he could share some of his calmness with them and they could in return give him some of their wildness. It would be more of a balance."
"Maybe so" Pippin said. "But balance can be boring. Me, I find it kind of amusing that my son is here and there and everywhere at all times. Just yesterday he rode to Bag End all by himself. Diamond of course was furious, that's why I'm here now actually, to return the runaway to the Smials. But he's a Took, all right."
"He would have to be to be your son, wouldn't he?" Merry said. "Just make sure he doesn't go into raiding crops or such nonsense."
"You mean the kind of things I always wanted to do but you always held me back from? That lad is sure to get into trouble sooner or later, but it's all part of growing up as a Took. Do you remember all the trouble you and I got ourselves into when we were younger?"
"You mean all the trouble you got us into" Merry said. "And it would have been a lot more if I hadn't kept an eye on you."
"Yet it wasn't my idea to leave the Shire" Pippin grinned.
"So how's the Smials?" Merry asked in an attempt to change the subject. "Still standing?"
"Oh yes, for now anyway. Pearl's husband is in charge, and I think he might be enjoying it a bit too much."
"I'm sorry, Pip. I'll go to Bag End as soon as I possibly can."
"I know you will" Pippin said. "To be quite honest, I don't mind being away from the Smials right now. Tabman and Lily, both of them Tooks, are to be married soon and it's driving me insane. You know, those conversations you're supposed to have with them before, of where they will live and what their expectations are and all that. The thing is, they've been snooping around each other for ages, I know they're in love, but they just can't seem to agree when we're talking! One wants to live at the Smials, the other wants a home of their own. One wants many children, the other wants two or three at the most. When last we met they were bickering over past flames, how silly is that? It's driving me crazy!"
"Well not everyone can be as firm-minded as you were" Merry laughed. "Poor Diamond, she never had anything to say about anything. Life would be at Crickhollow, children plentiful, and bad things to anyone who saw anything but joy in your future."
"I was not like that!" Pippin said with big eyes. "Was I?"
"Oh yes you were" Merry smiled.
"No I wasn't!"
"You were" Merry insisted. "Now make yourself useful and grab that root over there."
"This one?" Pippin said and made an attempt to biting down on a root he found lying on the counter.
"Do not bite it! See that mortar? Use it!"
"So…" Pippin said and began to crush the root in a small container. "How does it feel to be sixty in a week? When you turned 50 you became Master of Buckland, what are your plans for your sixtieth year?"
"To find a way to keep you from talking so much" Merry said. He paused for a second. "Sixty years old, Pippin… Can you imagine?"
"No, I'm still only 52" Pippin grinned.
"When Frodo was your age we had just gotten back from our journey" Merry said. "When I look at my curls which I swear are starting to have gray strains, I cannot help but wish he could have shared some of that non-aging power of the Ring with the rest of us. Sixty years seems like such a short time, and yet half my life is spent."
"Your hair is not gray" Pippin said. "More of a… ratty color."
"Thank you" Merry said with an icy look.
Pippin decided that the root had been pulverized enough and lifted the container up to pour it into Merry's. It wasn't often that he was allowed to help out with the herbal medicine, he had to admit it was quite fun. It reminded him of cooking.
"Wait, slow down!" Merry cried and in the last second diverted Pippin's attempt to pour the powder into Merry's container. "I only need a little bit! It's lethal in larger doses!"
"Why are you stocking up on it if it's dangerous?" Pippin asked.
"Most things are in larger doses. Like you, for example. Now run off to see Snowmane and quit bugging me!"
"I'm sorry" Pippin said. "I didn't mean to nearly poison your son!" He paused in the doorway on his way out. "Merry? What pony will you be riding now?"
"What do you mean?" Merry asked while carefully taking only as much of the powder as he needed.
"Well… Stybba's retired. Snowy's got a foal. And Foxie and Raven… they're retired too as of this summer."
"Pip, I've got a whole stable full of ponies! I'll find something to ride on. Now run along and quit bugging me!"
"Fine" Pippin mumbled and headed off for the stables.
As he walked through the halls of Brandy Hall he felt lonelier than he ever had in these halls. He could not fool himself, things had changed. Merry had changed. Not a day had passed that Pippin hadn't been pained by Merry saying they had grown apart, not a day had passed without him hearing those awful words in his head over and over again. No matter how hard he fought against it, with each passing day he was beginning to realise that perhaps it was true.
Things weren't the same as they used to be, as they had been before the trip to Gondor. Pippin hadn't felt the need to seek out Merry's company when they had returned but it hadn't occurred to him that they were growing apart. Merry seemed awfully sure of it though. They were not upset with each other in any way, outwardly nobody could guess that there was something wrong, but things weren't as they should. Pippin more and more often got the feeling that Merry socialized with him because he felt he had to, not because he truly wanted to. He rarely came to see Pippin and when he did the visits were always short. When Pippin came to see Merry his friend rarely had time for him. Their conversations didn't flow as naturally anymore and sometimes their company was almost forced. Just now Pippin had tried to keep up a conversation but Merry hadn't gone along with it. It had been difficult to talk. Pippin hated it.
He refused to accept that the days when he and Merry were closer than any other two Hobbits in the Shire could be over. He had always been one half of Merry and Pippin and he refused to be merely Pippin now. And he didn't understand how a friendship like theirs could ever end. Their lives had gone in separate directions more than once but their friendship had always remained the same. How could it be that they were growing apart now, when their lives were as normal as they ever could be?
Pippin pushed the stable doors open and slowly walked down the hall to Snow White's stable booth. If only Merry had come with him. Pippin knew Lucky was sick, but didn't his friend have ten minutes to spare? He had never been too busy for Pippin before.
Pippin looked at the foal lying in the hay next to Snowy and had to admit that it was a very lovely creature. But right now the sight of the new pony only drew Pippin's mind to the fact that Fox and Raven were both ill and probably wouldn't live through the year. It felt like a symbol of his and Merry's friendship would be gone when the ponies died, and with a shiver down his spine Pippin thought that perhaps it was a sign. The ponies were dying, so was the friendship.
"No" Pippin said to himself and shook his head. "No signs. It's just a coincidence. They're old after all."
"Pardon?" a stable boy said.
"I wasn't talking to you, mind your own business" Pippin sputtered. He was not in the mood for silly stable boys right now.
But he couldn't keep the thought away once it had appeared in his head. Fox and Raven were dying, Snowmane had entered the world. One life ended, another began. The days of their friendship were over and their days on their own dawning.
"I must be going crazy" he muttered and quickly left the stables. He couldn't let himself think like that, for what if it was true?
"Oh I hate such ghastly weather!" Éowyn complained and pulled her scarf tighter around her. "It's done nothing but rain since we left the Hall!"
"It's winter, what did you expect?" Rose Gamgee commented dryly.
"Play nice lasses" Merry said and threw another log on the fire.
It was November and a dark one at that. The sun had not shown itself for two weeks and most Hobbits had drawn into their holes as if hibernating. It was Merry's turn to stay at Bag End and he had taken Éowyn with him, but at the moment he wished he hadn't. The weather seemed to bring out the worst in everyone and there were enough people gathered who were grumpy without the need of adding another one.
Young Rose was particularly grumpy. The weather reminded her of the weeks nearly a year ago when Tolman had been born, and she had spent ten months trying to forget that it had ever happened. Her parents had been gone for nine months now and so had her older sister, and in their absence Rose had been in charge of the household even though she was only a teenager still. The heavy burden of looking after far too many siblings while trying to care for a household had made her edgier than normal.
She made a promise to herself then and there that she would never marry and have children. She had spent her life looking after younger siblings and she had had quite enough. Her old friendship with Éowyn was falling apart, she couldn't help but envy the beautiful daughter of the Brandybucks who was never burdened by siblings or chores but could come and go as she pleased. Éowyn on the other hand didn't understand how her friend could be so edgy when life, in spite of bad weather, was so wonderful. Their two minds were going in completely different directions and neither knew what to do about it.
"How long before my mommy comes back?" Robin, the youngest, asked. "She has been gone so long now."
"Only a couple of months more" Merry said. "As soon as weather allows for travel. Your father has sent word to me, your mother's healing has gone well. They shall return as soon as they can. I should guess they will return in March or April, when the weather is good for travel."
"Only six more weeks of the year" Frodo stated and turned another page in the calendar. "I shall be glad to leave this year behind."
"So shall we all" Merry said. "1442 has not been a good year for any of us."
"It was for me, I lost my last baby tooth!" Daisy declared.
"And I caught my first fish!" Primrose added.
"I'm happy for you" Hamfast muttered, though he wasn't really. He felt terribly ashamed that his younger sister caught fish before he did.
"Fox and Raven died this year" Éowyn noted. "I'll always remember that with sadness. Just a few months ago they died."
"Tom died this year" Rose pointed out with a snarl. "That's worse."
"I never knew Tom, I knew Fox and Raven all my life" Éowyn retorted.
"Still, they're just ponies!"
"Are not! In Rohan horses are--"
"There now!" Merry interrupted. "Let's end this quarrel before it begins. No more talk of death, whether it be ponies or babies. The eve is dark enough anyway."
"Lucky had the mumps" Éowyn said. "That was a bad thing this year."
"Perhaps we should try and find the good things instead" Goldilocks suggested. "Father always says bright thoughts light up dark nights!"
"Perhaps we should not talk at all" Rose suggested and grabbed a book which she wasn't very interested in reading. But she wasn't interested in talking either.
"Uncle Merry, can't you tell a story?" Bilbo asked.
"No, not this night" Merry said and gazed at the flames. "There are no good stories in my mind right now."
"How come mother knows all about father's journey but madam Estella knows little of yours?" Primrose asked Merry.
"Primrose!" Rose said firmly. "That was not polite for you to ask! It is none of your concern! Apologize!"
"Our ways parted" Merry said. "For good and bad. Sam's gotten over his, I guess. I have not mine. But let's not talk of such things in this dark night. Don't you children have any bright stories to share with me for a change?"
"I want to hear about the three trolls" Bilbo said.
"You always want to hear about the trolls" Pippin complained. "Please, can we hear something else for a change?"
"No stories tonight" Merry said. "Perhaps some other night."
"Leave him be, Bilbo" Pippin said firmly and glared at his younger brother. "Uncle Merry already said no!"
Éowyn eyed her father in silence and wondered what was wrong. He hadn't been himself for a long time but she couldn't quite put her finger to it. Ever since he returned from Gondor he had been different, his constant talk of the lands of men had ended and he seemed more focused. Éowyn realised that they hadn't seen Peregrin much since the return from Gondor, but she quickly moved on from that thought. Ever since Sam and Rose left, Pippin and Merry had taken turns at supervising the Gamgee children and it was only natural that they wouldn't see each other as much then. Still it was odd not seeing her uncle Pippin several times a week.
"How far is Gondor?" Bilbo asked.
"It takes weeks to travel there" Merry said. "The first time I went there it took months. But we had many detours."
"Must we talk of Gondor?" Frodo sighed. "All we've heard for months is Gondor."
Bilbo quieted and sunk down by the table with the ABC book Peregrin had given him for his last birthday. Most of the Gamgee children could read, Sam had insisted upon it, though few of them read books for fun. Most of them had too much to do or were too impatient to sit down and read a book in peace and quiet. Every one of them preferred a story told out loud to a storybook.
Merry Gamgee eyed his older namesake and thought of how strange it was. The Hobbit he had been named after had led a life which was like a storybook of its own, yet it would never be written down save for in the Red Book which the Gamgee children weren't allowed to read. Nor would it be told by the fireside through generations, no young children would crawl up in their father's lap and ask to hear of the adventures of Merry Brandybuck. The younger Merry was almost scared by the older. His namesake was so full of secrets and mysteries, and so full of strength and leadership, at least by Hobbit measures. He was well respected and when he spoke his opinion on something the people listening always paid attention. Young Merry knew that Meriadoc had slain a mighty foe during the War but he didn't know what foe it was. It was still enough to impress the young Gamgee enormously, and he only wished to someday be as great as his namesake.
Meriadoc stared into the flames and absent-mindedly stirred around in the fire with a log. The year of 1442 was nearing its end and he couldn't wait to leave it behind him. It had been a year of death and illness and such years always seemed endless. In spring he had been reminded of the lovely springtime in Ithilien, in winter he had been reminded of the snowy plains of Gondor and during summer he had longed for the flower-filled plains of Rohan. The Shire year had not been as beautiful as it mostly was, there had been a lot of rain and a lot of wind. Many crops had gone bad and at Brandy Hall they had had to take down more animals than usual to survive the winter. It had been a very bad year indeed.
Éowyn watched her father in silence and wondered again what was bothering him. She wished she could crawl up in his lap and make him laugh, like she would have done if they were at the Hall, but here it didn't seem fitting. She knew that there was a great difference to what one did in the privacy of one's own family and what one did when with company. When she was at Bag End she could not hug him like she normally would, and she could not follow him around like she always did at home. She was not a baby anymore.
She couldn't help feeling jealous of her little sister, who could sit in her father's lap whenever she wanted to and who could get his complete attention at any time. Éowyn had always been happy with having only brothers, it had never even occurred to her that she might one day have a sister. She had accepted her role as the only daughter of the family a long time ago, and she loved that role. It made her special, it made her stand out from the rest. But then Lúthien had come along and changed everything. And as long as she was the youngest she would always be the baby. Yet Éowyn didn't hope for a sixth sibling, in case that sibling would be another sister. One sister was enough to compete with, two would be horrible.
She glanced at Rose, who had four sisters, and wondered if she was ever jealous of her younger siblings. Éowyn knew she wouldn't want to trade places with her, she had as many siblings as she felt she needed or wanted. And because she was barely a teenager yet she had never had to be a nanny to her own younger siblings. She saw Rose rise to put Robin to bed. Perhaps it was not such a mystery that Rose seemed preoccupied and in low spirits.
Her eyes fell on her father again and she wondered if someday Lúthien would take her place as his favorite lass. She had a special bond with her father and she didn't want it threatened by a younger sister who was nothing but trouble. She couldn't deny that Lúthien was very charming, though luckily she was also quite messy, noisy and stubborn. Her mother had laughingly informed her that she had been that way too when she was little but Éowyn refused to believe it. She could never have been like Lúthie. At least she hoped not. The more different they were from each other, the lesser threat her sister would be.
Her eyes left her father and fell on Merry Gamgee. She noticed that he was glancing at her father too. As if he had felt her eyes on him he shifted his glance from her father and his eyes instead met hers. Realising that she had seen him watch her father, his cheeks turned red and he looked away. For some reason it made Éowyn smile.
End Comments: Sorry for killing off poor Tolman! When I read the chronology in the LotR appendices I noticed that Sam, Rose and Elanor travel to Gondor in the same year that Tolman is born and I couldn't figure out how come they left the baby at home (though there is of course the possibility that Tolman was born in Gondor). And so the explanation that popped into my head was that Tolman didn't survive. And as I had already used the SIDS thing I had to do something else with this one. Plus it gave me a good backstory as to why Sam and Rose go to Gondor.
Review please! All constructive or positive comments welcome =)