Author's Note: Well here I am again =) Up with a new chapter. Sorry for leaving you hanging, but there's no resolving the Merry and Pippin issue in this chapter. Some chapters are very hard to write, some very easy. This was a very easy one, though I hadn't expected it. I hope it's a good read, it sure was interesting to write!
Kamily, welcome to the small but exclusive group of reviewers ;) In seriousness though, I'm glad to hear you like the series! Thank you for your review, it made my day! I hope you will continue to like it, and feel free to give me comments and suggestions for where you think it can go!
Disclaimer: I seem to own more and more characters, but all the originals belong to JRR Tolkien!
"I still don't like it!" Rose Gamgee said and placed her hands on her hips. "Hobbits don't belong in the water!"
"That's what I keep telling Merry" Estella complained and glared at her husband. "But he won't listen to what I have to say."
"You're putting your children at risk" Rose added.
"Indeed my husband is" Estella said and continued to glare at Merry who rolled his eyes. "If Hobbits were meant to be out on water we would have been born with fins!"
"Indeed we would" Rose said. "Don't you think so too, Sam?"
"I think Merry is capable of raising his own children without you minding in" Sam said and glared at his wife like Estella glared at Merry. "Brandybucks have been on the Brandywine always. And though I don't like boats I wouldn't tell Merry whether or not he could teach his children how to swim and to row a boat."
"It ain't natural" Rose said.
"Please Merry?" Estella said and tried a different tactic. "I don't like the children being out on the river! Luckily Théo won't go into the water, he's a clever lad! But Éowyn being near the Brandywine scares me! And now she's got Aramac out in the water as well!"
"He is not in the water, he is in a boat" Merry said in an annoyed tone. "And he is perfectly safe! Aramac knows how to swim, if he didn't I wouldn't let him out on the river in the first place! Now enough is enough, I won't have this discussion again! Brandybucks have been on the river always, I know how to swim, my father knew, my grandfather… My children will as well. Cordy is going to learn this summer. It's only good sense to teach them to swim."
"It ain't natural" Rose repeated.
"Quiet, Rose!" Sam said firmly. "Mind your own business."
Rose glared at him and sat down on a bench. A not so pleased Estella sat down next to her and marked her discontent by firmly turning her head from her husband. Merry sighed and shook his head in frustration.
"Hobbits! Why do they always have to be so worried over everything new?"
With a sigh and a growl he strode off to fetch the ponies. He had had enough of Bag End for now, enough of Rosie filling Estella's head with ideas and adding fire to her worries. Rose had returned from Gondor in better shape than she had been for years, but not with an eased mind. She was constantly troubled and whenever she was near Estella she seemed to do her best to make her friend worry too. Merry was getting tired of it. Especially when he was told how to raise his children. Rose seemed to respect him much less now then she had before, a few years ago she would never have breathed a word about how he raised his young.
"Merry!" Sam's voice called out.
Merry stopped and waited for his friend to catch up with him before he continued to the stables. Sam looked embarrassed.
"I'm sorry, Merry" he said. "I don't know why Rose said all those things!"
"Neither do I" Merry said. "And I don't appreciate it."
"I know you don't."
"I can raise my own children, I don't need her to tell me how! And I don't need her or anyone else to tell me what I can and cannot let my children do!"
"I know. But you must forgive her. Please."
Merry sighed as they entered the stables.
"I just don't think Estella and I should be coming over that much" he said. "It seems like every time we're here Estella begins to worry about something!"
"I'm sorry" Sam said and lowered his head.
"Oh don't look like that Sam" Merry said. "I didn't mean forever. Just for a few months." He paused. "Rose is doing better though, is she not?"
"Strider healed her" Sam said. "She's fine now. But I think she's just worried about the children. We lost one only last year!"
"I know" Merry said softly and led his pony out from the stables. "Will you fetch Estella's pony for me, Sam?"
Sam nodded and hurried to get Estella's mare. Merry gave his pony a pat on the neck and toyed with the thought of beginning to break in Snowmane for riding. But it would probably be a good idea to wait, Estella didn't need any further reason to worry right now. But he could start by teaching the pony to pull a cart. He couldn't wait until he could ride his new pony, the first he hoped of many. He still hadn't given up on breeding. He was still planning on using Crickhollow for that purpose, and perhaps when Aramac was older and inherited Merry's share in the house, he would take over. All Merry needed was a few more ponies to breed with, and secretly he planned a trip to Rohan to find the best ponies there were.
When Merry returned with Estella to Brandy Hall there was a letter waiting for him. He grinned when he saw that it was from the Lady Éowyn. He didn't receive word from her more than twice a year, as she had never been much for writing letters. She made an exception only for Merry, and her letters always warmed his heart and made him long to see her again.
He quickly excused himself and sent word that he did not wish to be disturbed. He then locked himself in his study and sat down in his favorite armchair to read the letter. Using a golden letter opener which he had received from Éomer King upon his becoming the Master of Buckland, a letter opener which Merry saved for very special letters, he carefully opened the letter and lifted out two sheets of fine paper.
He paused for a moment before he began to read. The paper sheets were made for humans, and quite large in Merry's hands even though he was as tall as a fairly short human. The paper was a light blue color, so light that you almost thought it was white. With a smile Merry lifted the letter up to his nose and drew in the smell of it. Even though it had traveled for a few weeks it still smelled of her soft perfume, and he thought he could smell the blossoms of Ithilien as well. Spring must have come early there this year, it was May still.
As carefully as he could he unfolded the paper sheets and paused for one more second before he began to read. He liked taking his time, a letter from Éowyn came so rarely that it was like a precious gift. He didn't want to rush through it. Then he grabbed his reading pipe, took one puff and started reading.
My Lord Holdwine
It is only April yet, but the flowers here are in blossom. I have a vase of your favorite flowers in front of me on my lord Faramir's desk as I sit here at to write my first letter of the year to you. Springtime always makes me think of you, as I know how you adore the spring of these lands. And prior to spring comes March, somehow in my heart that is your month.
How are things with you, dear friend? Did winter treat Buckland well? When last you wrote you had little room for telling me about your lands, as you mostly wrote of Samwise's safe return. I am glad to hear that he and Madam Rose arrived back home safely. Queen Arwen sends her well wishes to her maid Elanor. It probably goes without saying that King Estel sends all of his love to you and masters Peregrin and Samwise, though as he asked me to send you those greetings I shall put them down on paper anyway.
Lord Faramir and I are doing well, as is Ithilien. It is easy for Faramir to tend to these beautiful lands as little trouble seems to come here. I knock wood as I write those words, though I feel that Ithilien has suffered enough in the past. In some places you can almost feel still the old presence of the Dark Lord. But throughout most of the lands there is peace and harmony. The land seems to be blessed now, as it seemed cursed once.
Elboron is doing remarkably well. With every day that passes he looks more and more like his father, though as I am sure you know his spirit is mine. Sometimes I worry about him, I must admit. Lord Faramir as well as my brother tells me that our son is just like me, and it makes me wonder what I am like. Just the other day Elboron said it was a pity he could not travel to the Shire and see you, as he grows weary of staying in Ithilien where nothing ever happens. He dreams of more, and has said that it is a great unfortune that he was not born until all the adventures were over. As his mother I am thankful that he is living in these peaceful times and that he does not have to risk his life in War like we did I suppose the young do not see it that way..
How is Éowyn? I met Samwise's daughter Elanor during their stay and it made my heart long to see your daughter with the apple cheeks. I know no one other than you who would describe their daughter by such words, but seeing as you love apples I assume your description is meaning to say that she is as sweet. It warms my heart even in the coldest of winter nights that you named your firstborn after me. I never had any true friends in my life, only maids and servants, until there was you. I never could imagine that I would one day have a friend who named his child after me. It is the greatest of flatters.
How are your other children? Is Aramac rowing a boat yet? Will Cordy be learning how to swim this summer? Have you gotten Théo into a saddle yet? Are Lúthien and Lucky well? There's so much my heart longs to know. I hope one day you will come to Ithilien with Lady Estella and all of your children, it is the secret longing of my heart. You have told me so much about them that I almost feel that I know them in person.
In your last letters I have sensed that there is something not quite right with you and Peregrin. You have always talked much about him but he is hardly mentioned in your past six letters. Is there any need to worry? I know how attached you are to him. Whenever King Estel tells a story involving you it always seems as if wherever you are, Peregrin is as well. Such friendships are very special, I hope nothing has disturbed it!
Be well, dear friend, and give me news of what goes on in the Shire! I hope with every letter that you will say you are on your way to visit us, perhaps your response to this letter will bring such joyous news! I long to hear from you again.
Sincerely and with love,
Your Dernhelm
Merry smiled, but the smile was somewhat melancholy. His response would not include alerting her of his coming to Gondor, it would be nearly a year at the least before he could travel there again. He took another puff at his pipe and read the letter once more. He only wished it was longer, and not so filled with questions of his own life but more with tellings from hers. But he knew how little she cared for writing letters, and he was grateful for every word by her pen. He read the letter once more, then he put it in a special box in which he kept all of her letters. Most of them had been read enough times to nearly be falling apart.
With another puff on his pipe he sat down by his desk and grabbed his finest pen, the one he used only to write her, Éomer or members of the fellowship. He got out three sheets of blank paper and began to write his response.
My Lady and Friend
Spring is in the Shire. The flowers are in blossom, the birds have returned from the south and everywhere there are newly plowed fields. Only two days ago we finished the plowing here at Brandy Hall and sowing began shortly after. I myself have taken this day aside to visit Sam, and now to write this letter to you, my friend from afar.
It gives me great joy to receive word from you, your words warm me more than the bright shining sun. I am pleased to hear that all is well in Ithilien, and with you and Lord Faramir. Young Lord Elboron is indeed just like his mother, rarely have I met a lad with such warmth as his. I cannot believe that twenty years have passed since he came into this world, it feels like it was just a few years ago. I am looking forward to seeing him once more. Each time we meet he has grown more than I would have expected, I wonder how much he will have grown before my return to Ithilien.
Sadly I do not bring you word of my coming to Gondor. Buckland is busy as ever and I do not think I shall be able to come this year. But my heart travels there each night before I go to sleep. Someday in a year not too long from now I shall once more be galloping across the plains of Gondor and Rohan. I trust you will have a new horse for me to ride when I arrive?
Everything is fine in Buckland. Éowyn and Aramac are out in the boats on the Brandywine most days, they both love going out on the water. Théo still does not want to, nor does he want to ride, but he is learning more and more how to handle a pony. Lucky keeps chasing every rainbow he can find and we have to keep close eyes on Cordy or he disappears out on his own little "adventures". Sometimes I wonder where he goes when he leaves, but he always returns safely, either on his own or brought home by Pippin. Cordy loves visiting young Faramir at the Smials. As for Lúthien she is ever growing and ever cheerful. I do not believe any of her five siblings has ever been as stubborn as she is, but at the same time she is gentle and so full of charm. I wish you could see her. I wish you could see all of them. I tell my Éowyn about you all the time, I know she longs to see you as well. It is my longing that the two ladies dearest to my heart will once meet.
I have been mentioning Pippin less and less in my letters, haven't I? You were right in assuming that something is not quite the way it used to be. I never have been able to hide anything from you for too long even though I try. In truth, I do not know what is the problem between Peregrin and myself. We are not mad at each other, nobody has failed the other or done something unforgivable. The issue goes deeper than that. I can't help but feel that it is our friendship, that it has outrun its course. Do you believe such a thing is possible? Is it possible to love someone as your brother for all your life, and then one day realise you do not need each other as you used to? There was a time in my life when I went climbing the walls if I spent a day apart from Peregrin. Now weeks can pass without me even realising I have not seen him. Can friendship fulfill its need and then just slowly fade? If his and mine friendship is to ever end I should wish for it to be this way, for I would hate to see us torn apart by fight, but at the same time it seems like such a weak ending to all our years as friends. And the worst part of it all, or what ought to be the worst, is that I am not pained by this. I ought to be torn apart by the thought of him and me growing apart, yet I am not. It is as if I have accepted it. Could that be? Or am I just in denial? I wish there was some way of knowing. Only time will tell.
I shall not say more of it at this time. It has been a strange year behind us which might explain why things have been unusual. Hopefully this summer will make things more clear. For what it is worth, there is no doubt in my mind that yours and mine friendship will survive the test of time and that we shall never grow apart. I truly hope never to lose a friend like you.
Your ever servant and friend,
Meriadoc Holdwine
"Don't be silly" Éowyn said as Ham Gamgee skidded down to the boat tied to a log on the shores of the Brandywine. "You will never catch a fish that way!"
"I can't very well give up without trying, can I?" Ham replied.
Primrose sighed. She, her brother Ham, and her sisters Daisy and Goldilocks had gotten permission to ride over to Buckland for a day and of course her brother had to do something to spoil it. It was a great adventure for them, neither one of them had ever gotten to ride so far alone before. True, Rose was with them as well, but she was at the Hall right now and it felt like Primrose and her three siblings were on their own private adventure. Pippin was there too, also at the hall, but he had left the day before and Primrose hadn't seen him since they arrived. Goldie, who aside from Rose was the oldest with her twelve years, was keeping a firm eye on Primrose, who was seven, and the youngest of the five. But Goldie was close enough to Primrose's own age that it didn't feel like a grown-up watching over her. It was different with Rose, Rose was so serious, and she was more than ten years older than Primrose. A whole generation separated the two sisters.
But right now Ham was the one troubling Primrose, or Primsy as she was sometimes called. He was obsessed with the thought of catching a fish, as he was embarrassed that he never had while Primsy had done it the year before. It was not a big deal, most Gamgees never tried fishing at all as they were afraid of the water, but Ham had gotten it into his head that he would catch one. Right now he was trying to catch a fish from the riverbanks, which Primsy knew was a waste of effort.
"You will never be able to catch one like that" she pointed out.
"You need a fishing rod" Aramac added. "And we don't have one."
He was in a bad mood. He and Éowyn had planned on going out on the boat, which was Aramac's favorite pastime this summer, but when the Gamgees had shown up they had been told they couldn't go out in the boat. They had to play with the Gamgees instead, which Aramac found very boring. He, Éowyn, Théo and Cordy had followed the Gamgees down to the Brandywine but now Aramac was beginning to regret it. He didn't like that Ham seemed so set on catching fish, Aramac hated fishing and definitely didn't want to spend the afternoon doing something so boring.
"Are you sure there's not a rod in the boat?" Ham asked and leaned over to look inside the boat left there by Éowyn and Aramac the day before.
"Hamfast be careful!" Goldie said.
"I am" Ham impatiently replied.
"You won't find a rod there" Aramac said.
Cordy skidded down the banks as well to have a look.
"Comradoc!" Éowyn cried out. "You get back up here right now! You can't swim!"
"But Aramac is down here all the time!" Cordy complained.
"He can swim" Théo said. "You can't!"
"But I'm learning!"
"No, Cordy you can't go swimming without Father watching you!" Théo said. "You know that was the deal you made with Mother!"
"But I'm not going to fall in!"
"Get back up here right now!" Éowyn said. "Or I will tell mother you planned on breaking your promise and she'll never let you go near the water again!"
"I never get to do anything!" Cordy complained and angrily picked up a stick and threw it into the river.
"Get up here now or I will come down and get you myself!" Théo warned.
Obediently, and with a very grumpy look on his face, Cordy began walking and at parts climbing up the banks. He couldn't believe how his siblings could be so boring. He hoped he would never be that boring. He would let Lucky and Lúthie be down by the water as much as they wanted to. It was none of Théo's or Éowyn's business anyway if he wanted to be down by the riverbanks.
"Ham won't you come up as well?" Daisy nervously asked.
"In a minute" Ham said, still looking for a rod.
"You won't find one" Aramac said and sighed. "We don't bring rods with us when we go out in the boat! Neither me nor Éowyn fish!"
"Perhaps someone else left one here?" Ham suggested.
"Nobody else uses that boat" Aramac said.
"Hamfast, please!" Goldilocks begged.
"Fine" Ham said and sighed. "Do you have any rods at Brandy Hall?"
"Do we have to fish?" Aramac moaned. "Can't we do something fun?"
"It is fun to fish!"
"It's nice that you think so, since you never catch any fish" Primrose said.
"Primsy!" Goldie said firmly.
"Be careful around that boat" Daisy said. "I hope it's securely tied!"
"Daisy, stop being such a nervous nelly!" Ham said. He then paused for a minute. "Hey! I can see fish in the water!"
"What a shocker" Aramac said and rolled his eyes.
"Just come back up here or I'll tell mom on you!" Goldie said. "You know she doesn't want us near the Brandywine!"
Ham sighed and gave up. He would have to try and catch his first fish in some other way. He was leaned over the boat looking into it, and as he pushed himself up the boat, which wasn't tied down as close as Ham thought, drifted out a bit into the water. It was enough to make Ham lose his balance and fall into the water with a splash.
"No!" Aramac cried. "The water is deep there!"
"Hamfast!" Daisy cried out.
It didn't take the Brandybucks many seconds to realise that Ham was in trouble. He couldn't swim and the water was deep. Without a second's hesitation Théodoc ran for the bridge to get help at the Hall, and Éowyn and Aramac skidded down the banks to get to Ham. Goldilocks, who was the first of the Gamgees to realise the danger Hamfast was in, quickly let go of the grip she'd had on Primrose and hurried as close as she dared to get to the sloaping banks of the river.
"Ham!" she cried out. "Are you all right?"
As Éowyn and Aramac reached the Brandywine and got in the water Théodoc crossed the bridge and shouted at the top of his lungs to get the attention of the adults at Brandy Hall. Luckily Merry was outside carrying lunch to the workers in the field, and immediately heard what is son was shouting. He dropped his basket and ran as fast as he could toward the bridge.
"Get him out!" Goldie cried to Aramac and Éowyn, who were doing their best in the still quite cold water of the Brandywine. Éowyn's dress was pulling her down somewhat and Aramac got a hold of Hamfast first. He had drifted out a bit into the water and was struggling to keep above the surface. Théodoc reached the group again and grabbed Cordy and turned his brother around so that he wouldn't see what was going on. Ham was in a lot of trouble.
"Did you not secure the boat enough?" Aramac shouted to Éowyn in the water.
"Of course I did!" Éowyn shouted back. "I swear I did!"
The two were struggling to keep Ham above water and get him into shore, but there was no good place to get out of the water. At this part of the Brandywine the banks went straight down into the water and the river was over three meters deep even by the banks.
"Get him in the boat" Éowyn suggested.
Merry realised it would be a waste of time to cross the bridge and dove into the water from the other side. He reached the children before Éowyn and Aramac had managed to get Hamfast into the boat. He grabbed Ham and began swimming towards a place where they could get out of the water, about ten yards down the river.
"Swim!" he urged the child. "Try to swim!"
Finally he reached the spot where the water was shallower and there was a good enough place to get back up on the banks. He managed to get Ham up on the shore before he got himself out of the water, and then he carried the child further up the slopes and laid him down. Meanwhile Éowyn and Aramac, both completely exhausted, reached the spot and helped each other out of the water.
"I swear I tied it good" Éowyn panted.
"Come on now Hamfast" Merry said and tried to get the unconscious child to wake up. He had no experiences with near drowning and didn't know what to do, but he tried blowing air into Ham's lungs as he remembered Aragorn telling them once.
"Is he okay?" Daisy cried from the other shore.
"Come on Ham!" Merry mumbled.
Éowyn and Aramac came up to them and sank down on the ground, dripping wet, cold and exhausted. They both looked at Ham with worried eyes.
"Is he waking up?" Aramac asked in a small voice.
"He will" Merry insisted. "He has to. Or else I don't know what I will say to Samwise."
"Please Ham, wake up" Daisy cried. She began to sob. "It's not funny!"
"What's wrong?" Primrose asked, sounding like a small child.
"Wake up Hamfast, wake up" Merry said and continued blowing air into the child's lungs.
The scene was strangely quiet. No Hobbits had come rushing over to see what all the commotion was about, they were too busy picking up the lunch Merry had dropped, and none of the children made any noise. It was as if everyone was scared that saying the wrong thing would prevent Ham from opening his eyes.
"Please wake up…" Daisy said in a much smaller voice than before.
Finally Merry looked up at Éowyn and Aramac. They looked back at him and shivered in their cold, wet clothes. Théoden took Cordy by the hand and walked up to Goldie, who had grabbed Primrose by the shoulders again. Gently Théo lifted Goldilocks' hands from her sister and took Primrose by his other hand.
"Come now, Primsy" he said gently. "Let's get you to the Hall."
"What's happening?" Primsy asked again.
As Théo crossed the bridge with the two seven year-olds it suddenly dawned on Goldilocks. He was taking the youngest away from the scene because he knew what was happening, and it was not pleasant. She looked over at the four soaking wet Hobbits on the other side of the river and could clearly see that Merry was no longer trying to breathe for Hamfast.
"No…" she whispered.
"Goldilocks" Daisy sobbed. "What's the matter? Why is Ham still sleeping?"
"Daisy he is not sleeping" Goldie said almost in a whisper.
"Then he should sit up and not just lie there" Daisy said and tried to dry her eyes with the back of her hand. "Doesn't he know that he is scaring us?"
Goldilocks didn't reply. She pulled her sister close and gently placed her hand on the back of Daisy's head, turning her eyes away from the figures on the other side of the river. And at that moment Daisy knew as well.
Sam jumped high in the air when the door to Bag End was more or less banged open. Gaping with surprise he saw a still wet Merry enter with Hamfast in his arms and a very pale Pippin Gamgee in tow.
"What is all this about?" Sam managed to ask.
Merry barged past him and into a bedroom, now both Sam and Pippin following him in his tracks. Bag End seemed empty at the time being, Frodo was out working in the garden and Merry Gamgee tended to the horses. Elanor and Robin had gone with their mother to the market and Bilbo was playing on the back of the house. Merry was thankful that there weren't a lot of people around right now.
"Merry?" Sam asked as Merry gently lay Hamfast down on the bed. "What's the matter? Did Ham get sick?"
Merry took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment. How would he be able to give this ill news to Sam?
"Why are you wet?"
"Hamfast fell into the river" Merry said and didn't dare to look at Sam. "Éowyn and Aramac tried their best to help him, I came as soon as I heard Théo's cries… But once I got to him it was too late. I tried to bring him back, but…"
"No…" Sam said and backed away. "I don't believe you! Don't you say another word! Why do you always bring me ill news of my children?"
"Not from wish or desire" Merry said and still didn't bear to look at his friend.
"Dad, Hamfast is dead" Pippin said and swallowed hard. "He's dead."
"No, you are talking crazy Pippin!" Sam said. "Ham is not dead! He was alive and well when last I saw him!"
"He fell into the river" Pippin said. "He died father!"
"No!" Sam cried.
"Samwise" Merry said and strode up to Sam, grabbing him by the shoulders and forcing him to look him in the eyes. He didn't know from where he's suddenly gotten the strength, but right now it was needed. "You must be strong now" he said. "You must be strong for Rosie! You must be strong for your children!"
"The others are all right" Pippin said and began to tremble. "They were with him when it happened, save for Rose and I, but they're not hurt."
"Why?" Sam cried. "This is not fair! My son is not dead!"
"You're right, it isn't fair!" Merry said. "But right now you need to be the strong one, for Rose! For Rose, Sam! And for Goldie, Daisy and Primrose. They saw their brother die today."
Sam shook himself free of Merry and rushed over to Hamfast, who was lying on the bed. The child was still wet, but one closer look at him told Sam that it was true. His son was not just sleeping. His face was ghastly white, his lips a dark blue color. It was clear to Sam that there was no life anymore in Ham's body. Sam's legs caved under him and he sunk down on the floor. The next second Pippin was there, supporting his father. Merry stood silently where Sam had left him, not knowing what to do or say now.
Evening came to Bag End, as it always had before. From the outside nothing was different. The garden was still well kept, the lights were all on in the windows. It was a night like any other night, save for one thing. Once you went inside Bag End you were greeted by Hobbits in shock and tears. Death was at Bag End, in a more salient way than ever before. This time it was not a young baby, it was an eleven year-old boy.
Rose had been given something very sedating by Merry and had been fast asleep for hours. Estella had kept the Gamgees who had been present for the accident with her ever since they came back from the river, and now she was with them in a bedroom. Daisy was crawled up in her lap, rocking slowly back and forth and humming the same note over and over again. The events of the day seemed to have effected her more than the rest.
Bilbo and Robin were asleep in the nursery, watched over by Diamond and Elanor. There was not much either of them could do at the moment except still one of the little ones if they woke with bad dreams. The two youngest had not completely understood what was going on, but they knew that it was something terrible. With them in the nursery Diamond and Elanor had Lúthien and Lucky, who were also sleeping by now.
In Frodo's old bedroom Sam wept in Peregrin's arms. Pippin knew he had no words to offer which could ease the pain for the grieving father, so he just held his friend in silence and let him speak when he needed to speak, and cry when he needed to cry. Mostly Sam just cried in silence, unable to deal with anything else than that at the moment. In the corner of the room Merry sat on a stool and stared into space. He felt guilty over what had happened, he should have watched over the children and kept them from going down to the river. He should have gotten to Ham sooner. He had a whole long list of "should have" in his mind.
Out in the sitting room sat Frodo, Merry and Pippin, completely forgotten in the chaos that had been during the evening. Pippin seemed to be the most composed, and was also the one who had known about it the longest. Merry hadn't said a word since Pippin and Meriadoc had arrived with what Merry immediately saw was his dead younger brother, he had taken care of the ponies in silence and then found nothing important to say. Frodo didn't want to talk either, but he felt responsible to try and comfort his younger brothers. He wished Elanor could be with them, she was so much better at offering comforting words and arms.
They were not alone in the sitting room, Aramac and Théodoc were sitting there as well, both trying to come to terms with what they had seen and experienced during the day. All Aramac could think of was how testy he had been towards Ham right before he died, and all Théodoc could think of was how close it had come to being Comradoc. In spite of the tragedy he could not help but be happy that it was not his brother who had died on this day.
Éowyn entered from the kitchen, carrying a tray with six cups of silver tea. She offered it first to her brothers, knowing that Aramac was still freezing from his swim earlier in the day. He seemed unable to warm up again. Éowyn then offered cups to the three Gamgee lads, and Pippin and Frodo accepted theirs without seeming to be aware of what they were drinking. Merry however didn't take a cup and Éowyn waited for a while to see if he was going to change his mind.
"Don't you want some tea?" she asked after a minute.
Merry shook his head.
"I had tied the boat securely enough" Éowyn said, sounding near tears. "I swear."
Merry looked up at her. After hesitating for a second he took a cup from her tray.
"Will this night ever end?" Sam asked in a whisper.
"Yes" Pippin said after a long pause. "It will end. And so will the dark night in your heart. But it will not end anytime soon, I'm afraid."
"I lost Ham" Sam said and began to sob again.
"Yes" Pippin said. "You lost him. He's with Ruby and Tolman now. He's taking care of them. Now you don't have to worry about them anymore."
"I just want my son back."
"But that's impossible" Pippin said softly. "Just as impossible as making the sun rise in the middle of the night. The night has fallen over you, the sun will not rise yet. But trust me when I say, dawning will break. Perhaps not this summer, perhaps not this year. But sooner or later the sun will rise for you again."
"Remember…" Merry mumbled from his corner. "It is always darkest before dawn."
"I just haven't come to that darkness yet" Sam sobbed. "I'm just at dusk yet! And the whole long night of grief is ahead of me."
Pippin gently shushed him and placed a kiss on his head.
"How can it be so unfair?" Merry whispered to himself in his corner.
"Can you imagine, Pippin?" Sam asked. "Can you imagine what it's like to have to realise that you'll never see your son again? You will never hear his voice again?" Sam's voice broke with tears. "I'll never see him as a grown Hobbit!"
"Don't let such thoughts darken your mind" Pippin said gently. "Think of what you had instead of what you won't have. Think of the decade you had with Hamfast, and all those good memories you have of him. Treasure what time you got."
He came close to adding that some parents never got that much time with their children, but he stopped himself from saying it when he remembered that Sam had lost two children at infancy.
"Thinking of those things only makes me realise how much I've lost" Sam said.
"Think of whatever you need to think of, then" Pippin said. "Think about it all, so that you can move on afterwards."
Sam nodded slightly. Pippin closed his eyes and felt how tired he was. But he knew he would get no sleep tonight. And poor Sam! Pippin wished Merry would give him something that would make him sleep through the entire summer, but he knew Sam would have to face it wide-awake. Merry had not given anything to Sam this night in order to let Sam think only of himself and his own situation while Rose slept. When Rose was awake Sam would have to set aside his own grief to help Rose through hers.
A glance at the clock told Pippin the hour was past three in the morning. It would be dark for hours yet to come. And that other night, the one in their hearts, would stay much longer. Sooner or later stars would begin to show on those night skies, and northern lights would brighten them ever so slightly. Then dawn would begin to show in the east, gradually letting more and more light in. There would come a time when night had again turned to day. But it would not be anytime soon, and Pippin knew the night was needed. Deep down he knew that the darker the night, the stronger Sam would come through it and the happier he would be able to be. As long as he had the help and support of his friends he would manage to get through the night and once more enjoy the day.
"Merry?" Pippin said and looked at his friend.
"Yes?"
"You will stay for as long as it takes, will you not?"
"As long as Sam needs me."
"Good" Pippin said. "So will I. I will stay as long as I am needed and then some. Don't you worry Sam, we will be right here for you."
Pippin drew a small sigh of relief. For a moment he had actually worried that Merry would not stay for as long as he ought to. Merry was of no help whatsoever at the moment, and Pippin couldn't help but wonder if his cousin was considering himself to be growing apart from all of his friends. But deep down he knew Merry better than that. He could see it in his eyes that he was dealing with his own demons from the day that had just passed. It could not be easy for Merry, being the one who had to come so close to saving Ham and then having to be the one to tell Samwise.
And in his corner Merry criticized himself for not having done more. He kept wondering over and over if he'd have gotten there sooner had it been one of his own children. He couldn't help but feel he had failed Sam's son, since his return from Gondor Merry had not had a single person die under his care. And now he had been unable to save Hamfast.
"Merry?" Sam suddenly said.
"What is it, Sam?"
"Will you teach my children to swim?"
Merry turned in his corner and stared at Sam.
"Are you mad? After what just happened you want them near the river?"
"If Ham had known how to swim this would never have happened. I want my other children to be safe from drowning."
"But the Gamgees never swim!"
"It is my choice how I raise my children and what I will and will not let them do" Sam reminded him. "Just as it is yours to do with your children. I am asking you, will you please teach my children how to swim?"
"Sam, I don't think either of them will go near the Brandywine again after what happened today" Pippin said.
"But I don't want that. I don't want them growing up in fear! You've taught Faramir to swim, haven't you?"
"Yes."
"And Tooks don't swim either."
"All right, I will teach them" Merry said. He sighed deeply. "This should never have happened. How could I let this happen?"
"You didn't let this happen" Pippin objected.
"They were visiting my home, they were my responsibility!" Merry rose from his stool and began pacing in the room. "They should never have been down by the Brandywine unsupervised in the first place!"
"Stop thinking like that, or it will drive you mad" Sam said and dried his tears for now. "We can't toss around blame like that or we'll all lose our senses! You are not the only one who could think such thoughts! I should not have let them go to Buckland alone, Rose and Pippin should not have let them go down to the river alone, Hamfast should not have gone down to the boat… You are not to blame anymore than anyone else."
"I could have saved him."
"You said to me that he was already dead when you reached him."
"Or dying…"
"Then what could you have done to make things different?"
Merry looked down on his hands and didn't find anything to say in response. Sam was right. Nobody was to blame, or perhaps everyone was to blame. Either way it wouldn't do anyone any good to go over their guilt in their heads time and time again. They all had to move on, or they would all be lost.
"I don't want Hamfast's death to be for nothing" Sam said. "If not else, then it brings on the others learning how to swim. At least some good comes of it."
"I will teach them how to swim" Merry said. "I promise."
Merry looked down on his hands and didn't find anything to say in response. Sam was right. Nobody was to blame, or perhaps everyone was to blame. Either way it wouldn't do anyone any good to go over their guilt in their heads time and time again. They all had to move on, or they would all be lost.
"I don't want Hamfast's death to be for nothing" Sam repeated. "If not else, then it brings on the others learning how to swim. At least some good comes of it."
"I will teach them how to swim" Merry said. "I promise."
"Rose won't like it" Pippin said.
"Rose does not have a say in this" Sam said. "I won't let her fears become a danger to the children."
"On the other hand, Rose would not have wanted Ham down by the river at all" Merry said. "That would have--"
He cut his sentence short abruptly. He couldn't say that it would have saved Ham's life. He had just decided not to think of things like that. All they could do was accept what had happened, no matter how hard it was.
"When will the dawning break?" Pippin said, more to himself than to the rest. "Has there been such an endless night since the War?"
"Daybreak is yet a few hours away" Merry said.
"And it is always darkest before dawn" Sam added.
Dearest Lady of Rohan and Ithilien
I write this letter to you sitting by Frodo and Bilbo's old desk in their old study at Bag End. I write to you now, even though merely three weeks have passed since last I wrote, and I know that mail deliveries from the north only arrive in the south every other month. But I write to you out of necessity, for I have ill news to tell.
It is now late in the hours of the night. It is a night following a day of tragedy. It follows the day when Hamfast son of Samwise drowned in the river Brandywine. I have not much to say of the accident itself, I was not there to witness him falling into the river, only there to get him out of the water. But by the time of my arrival it was already too late. This letter is written to you in the home where Hamfast spent his eleven years, where his father now rests in Peregrin's arms after a long evening of grief and disbelief. I have taken my refuge to the study, for I can no longer stay in the same room with Samwise. His grief is too great and the blame on my shoulders too heavy.
I try to tell myself I cannot put any blame on my shoulders, for as Samwise himself said to me, it was not one person's fault but everyone's or no one's. Yet I feel in my heart that I should not have allowed the children to go down to the Brandywine alone. I knew none of Sam's children could swim. And with them were four of my own, out of which only two could swim. What was I thinking when I allowed them to go down there? How can I not blame myself?
Bag End is a sadder place tonight than I ever believe it has been in the past. It is a great loss, the loss of young Hamfast. He was a lad full of life and with great love for nature. He dreamed of being able to fish and hunt, and he loved learning to read. It is a tragedy and a great loss, my heart bleeds for Samwise and Rose.
I have always believed that it is not good for your children to put too many restrictions on them. They have to try new things and sometimes take risks, or they will go through life without ever really learning anything. Yet now I wonder. Nothing was worth Hamfast drowning in the river, nothing was worth that risk he took. Have I gone about wrong in raising my children? I was told growing up that parenting is not easy and now I truly understand what that means. You believe you know what you're doing and that you're doing something good for your children, then you come to realise that you're putting them in far too great peril. What had I done had it been my Comradoc or Théodoc? It could just as easily have been I crying in Peregrin's arms through the night, mortified over the loss of my son. And it still might be I. Every day my children play near the Brandywine. What's to say it won't be them falling in the next time?
So shall I restrict my children's lives? Only let them play within my eyesight? I cannot do that, it would put too big boundaries on their days. I myself grew up with the freedom of walking through the woods and plains, swimming in the Brandywine and riding off to Bag End whenever my heart chose and there were no duties for me at home. I cannot deny my children that kind of childhood.
Perhaps there are no real answers. Perhaps it is up to every parent to decide how to raise his or her own offspring. But I made a wrong choice and someone died because of it. Though the blame is not all mine I still carry part of it.
I shall write now to Strider, and to Legolas and Gimli, to tell them of this tragedy. But I wanted to write to you first, for to you I can reveal all my inner thoughts. I wish I knew how to act now, what to do in this situation. I know there are no real answers for me, each of us has to find our own way through this. All I can really do is be there for Samwise, and for my children who witnessed this event. Especially Aramac and Éowyn, who got into the river to try and help Hamfast. I cannot imagine what they must be going through now. I only hope I will be able to keep them strong through this.
I must end my letter now, as more letters are to be written before sunrise. I seek strength from you now, the memory of your courage and strength is a guiding star for me. Keep your child safe, dear Éowyn, but also keep him free.
With love, devotion and trust,
Your Merry
Merry put down his pen and sighed. Perhaps it was wrong of him to lay his thoughts and worries on her, but now he needed to do so. He was useless at Bag End, he was no source of strength or comfort to Sam. He had to leave that to Pippin, who just as Merry stood with half a foot outside the Gamgee family and thus was able to put his own grief aside for his friend's sake. Merry had too much of his own troubles over having been present for Hamfast's death to put his own feelings aside just yet.
With a deep sigh he grabbed the old pen Bilbo had used to write "There and Back Again" and found a clean sheet of paper. Determined to get this over with he began writing to Gimli.
It was an hour or so yet till dawn. The fire in the sitting room had nearly died out, all that was left was ember. Frodo was sleeping in his armchair and on the couch next to him Merry and Pippin were curled up together, also fast asleep. Aramac had fallen asleep hours ago in Théo's arms, and now Théo too was sleeping. Only Éowyn was still awake, staring at the ember, wrapped in a blanket in the armchair she was sitting in. Her head was filled with thoughts, mostly of guilt. She could not forget what Aramac had asked her in the water. Had she not secured the line well enough?
Meriadoc quietly entered the room, finally finished with his letters, and noticed that among the sleeping youngsters his daughter was still awake. Gently he placed a hand on her shoulder and with his other hand caressed her cheek.
"What are you doing awake, apple cheeks?" he asked.
"I cannot sleep" Éowyn said, and then paused. "I did secure the line."
"Come here" Merry said and made her rise from the chair so he could sit, and she then could sit in his lap. "Don't you worry more about that tonight."
She crawled up in his lap, comforted by getting to do so, just as she had often done when she was a little girl. She was growing up now, and it was no longer appropriate for her to curl up in her father's lap. But now she did, and she leaned against his strong and comforting chest, drawing in his familiar scent, which had meant security and comfort for her during her entire life. Finally the mask she had put on during the evening fell and she began to cry.
"There now, sweetie…" Merry said gently and kissed the top of her head. "It's okay. Cry as much as you need to, it will do you good."
"I did secure the rope, I did!"
"I believe you" Merry said. "Listen to me now, it was not your fault that it happened. Nobody puts that blame on your shoulders. I've been with Samwise all night and he does not put blame on anyone. The truth is, Ham should not have been down by the river when he does not know how to swim, and he knew that. And Éowyn, you have been using that boat since you were nine years old, and not once have you secured it badly. Why would you have done so now?"
"I can't help it, it feels like it was all my fault."
"It wasn't" Merry said. "You should not feel guilt. You should be proud of yourself, honey. You tried to save Hamfast. You and your brother got into the water to help him, what more could anyone have done? Even if the boat had been loosely tied up you more than made up for that in jumping into the water. Sam and Rose are very grateful for what you did, they do not blame you one little bit. Believe me, apple cheeks."
"Am I still your apple cheeks?" Éowyn asked with a sob. "After what happened today?"
"Of course you are, silly."
"Am I still? Do you not love Lúthien more than me?"
"Fool" Merry said and kissed the top of her head. "I do not love her more than I love you, nor vice versa."
"I have always been your lass" Éowyn said. "I was special. I was your only daughter. Now you have Lúthien too, so there's nothing special with me anymore."
"Everything is special about you" Merry objected softly. "You were my firstborn. You carry the White Lady's name. You follow me wherever I go, you help me whenever I need your help. You're still you, and everything about you makes you special. Lúthien does not change that. She's special too, but in different ways."
"I didn't want a sister" Éowyn confessed. "I wanted to be your only daughter. I'm scared of Lúthien, she is the one person who could take away everything that's special with me in your eyes. Because she is your daughter too. But I've thought about it time and again this night, and as much as I hated getting a sister I am so grateful that she was not the one to die today. I do not want any harm to come to her."
"I know you don't" Merry said. "For she is your sister, and you love her more than you know. Stop worrying that she will take me from you, for she never will. But I am her father, just as I am yours, and she is also my daughter and I love her so much. Do not see her as a threat or a burden, see her as a very rare and special gift. You'll never have another sister, and sisters are different from brothers. You'll see. And when she gets older she will admire you more than you will know. She already does. She loves you more than anyone, she looks up to you. It ought to be her being scared of you and not the other way around, for she will undoubtedly be measured against you, and she will have to compete with how loved you are in Buckland. You are not an easy person to compete with, Éowyn of Buckland. You stole my heart the first time I saw you, as did you with everyone else. Be kind to Lúthien, accept her for who she is and care for her. She will be there from cradle to grave, friends may come and go in your life but you will always have her. Learn to appreciate that."
Éowyn nodded slightly.
"I love you father."
"And I love you, apple cheeks."
With a sigh Éowyn closed her eyes and within minutes fell asleep. Merry gently rocked back and forth and stared at the ember finally giving up in the fireplace. The room was completely dark. Yet when Merry looked out in the hall he thought he could see light coming from the hall window. Perhaps dawn was breaking.
It was August when the Brandybucks and the Tooks left Bag End. Summer had been long and hot, but it had seemed cold for the Gamgee family and those close to them. But by now they seemed to have gotten back on their feet somewhat and were able to carry on with their days without the constant support of the Tooks and Brandybucks.
All through the summer Estella had been mother for all the younger children. She had fallen back into her old role as nanny, taking full responsibility for the young ones and letting Rose care for herself. Diamond had managed the household, with the help of Elanor and young Rose, and had spent hours every day preparing meals for all twenty-three Hobbits staying at the hole. Pippin had been Sam's greatest support and spent hours each day taking Sam out walking or riding, trying to get his mind off things. In truth it was good therapy for Pippin too, it took his mind off his own problems with Merry which never seemed to want to find an end. By now Pippin wished they would just stop being friends if that was what would happen in the end. He felt the same way about this as he once did about the war, he most definitely didn't want it to happen, but he would rather have it happen now than wait on the brink of the unavoidable event.
Merry had taken it upon him to manage Sam's mayor duties, though he constantly battled old Tolman over who really ought to be doing it. Sam never said anything of the matter, in truth he felt more than capable of handling his mayor duties on his own, but he let Merry handle it if it would help him. Once every two weeks Merry took the oldest of the Gamgees to the Brandywine to teach them how to swim. The first time had been very difficult, as it was the first time Goldilocks and Daisy had returned to the river after Ham's death. Goldilocks had blankly refused to go anywhere near the river, and eventually Merry and Sam decided that if she needed more time they ought to give it to her. The other six however managed to learn how to swim before August came.
It felt strange to be back at Brandy Hall, the summer had been very hard on all of them and they all felt emotionally exhausted. Yet Estella said to Merry on the night before their return home that she knew now the value of having friends. She had clearly seen how the support of their friends had helped the Gamgees survive the summer, and she found it remarkable how mostly Pippin, but also Merry, slowly but effectively turned Sam back into his old self.
"It's good to be home though" she said when they walked inside Brandy Hall. "Had we stayed longer we would have worried about the harvesting."
"Perhaps we should have stayed and helped Sam and Rosie with theirs" Merry said with a worried frown.
"They will be fine" Éowyn said, carrying Lúthien. "They have young Rose, and Frodo, and Elanor, and Merry and Pippin… They will manage the harvesting."
"There is a letter for you, Master" Berilac, Merry's cousin, said.
"I should assume there's more than one, I've been gone all summer."
"Yes. But this one is from the hand of the White Lady."
Merry quickly snatched the letter from Berilac and without further ado hurried off to his study. Éowyn had written, though he had not expected word from her until October or November. He quickly sat down in his chair with his reading pipe and opened the letter with his special letter opener. Sucking ceremoniously on his pipe he began to read.
My dearest Merry
It gives me great grief to receive word of young Hamfast son of Samwise's death. Eleven is far too young an age for anyone to pass on, I cannot tell you how my heart goes out for Samwise, Rose and their children. To lose a son merely a year after they lost an infant must be devastating.
My greatest concern however is for you. Your mind is troubled, far more than it ought to be. The words that you wrote in your letter worry me, you carry a greater burden than you should. For Samwise is right, it is not anybody's fault that tragedies such as Hamfast's happen, and if I know one thing at all about you it is that you would not let him die if there was anything you could do to save him. We all make mistakes, some of them turn out to be fatal, but I do not see it as a mistake letting the children go down to the river. It is part of their natural environment, there is no way you can put restrictions on them not to go down to the Brandywine.
Nor do I feel that there is anything wrong with your parenting. There is nothing wrong in letting your children learn from their own mistakes, and as you said yourself there are some risks that need to be taken. Some are worth it, some are not. But they have to discover that for themselves. My dearest perian, we cannot keep our children locked up inside at all times. We must not teach them to be afraid of living. We all must come to our end one day, it is better to let our children live while they are alive than to forbid them to take risks.
When you said in your letter that Éowyn and Aramac jumped into the river to help Hamfast all I could think was how much they are like you. You, my friend, attacked the Lord of the Nazgûl when your friend needed help, heroism is in your blood. Teach your children to be like you, honest, trustworthy and courageous, and no matter what else you teach them you will not do anything wrong. We all make our own choices, though I do not know the circumstances around Hamfast's death I do believe he made his own choice in going down to the river. Éowyn and Aramac made their own choices in getting in the water, and with bad luck they might have drowned as well. We all make our own choices and decide what risks are worth taking. Do not blame yourself for the choices of others. You are a good father and a good friend.
Teach your children how to swim. Teach them how to be safe when they take risks. If they know how to swim they can be out on the Brandywine as much as they want to, you won't have to restrict their lives. That is the smartest thing a parent can do, to teach their children how to be safe in taking risks.
Be assured that my mind is with you, Meriadoc. If I could pour all of my strength into this letter and sent it to you, I would. But you are strong in yourself, and you will get past this. Teach that strength to your children also. You are in my heart, that I believe you know. It is a great honor that you say you can confide your thoughts and desires to me. What better proof of trust can one give a friend? Know that I have the same trust for you.
Do not let your heart be troubled by the gap you are feeling between yourself and Peregrin. I believe that the friendship that can end was never a real friendship to begin with, thus I do not fear that your friendship with the Thain has come to an end. I merely believe that you have grown a bit weary of each other's company and need some time apart, which would only be natural after fifty years. There might be a gap between you for some time yet to come, but eventually you will find your way back to each other. When you do, the time you have spent apart will have taught you to better appreciate one another. You will never lose Peregrin. He and I both understand the value of friendship, and neither would risk losing yours. As I am sure you would not risk losing ours, for you understand the importance of friendship better than anyone.
Keep yourself strong, and keep in mind that my heart is with you always. Please offer our condolences to Master Samwise, Lord Faramir, Elboron and I extend our hearts to them. You will all come through the night, dawn shall break once more. Your friends are with you.
With love, comfort and devotion,
Your Éowyn
Forgive me for killing of another Gamgee! I promise, I'll be good in the next chapter! Oh and by the way, before I forget, Magnifico is what Merry is called in the copy of the family trees that I've got. I believe it's Latin.
Please review! =)