Author's Note: This chapter is another one of those experimental pieces… and I should mention that there's more "adult material" than I usually write (which is part of my experiments), so if you don't like or approve of that kind of stuff then you'll have to pardon me =) It's nothing nc-17-ish or anything, but I still thought I'd mention it.
I have a new goal by the way, which is to post one chapter each week (aiming for Fridays as my post-day). Only time will tell if college agrees with me on that idea or not, but as I'm currently working on 1447 I will be able to keep posting weekly for at least another couple of weeks!
Disclaimer: The usual drill… =) All characters, events and songs from "the Lord of the Rings" belong to JRR Tolkien.
"Goodnight!" Pippin said and stifled a yawn.
"Goodnight" Sam, Rose, Merry and Estella said in one voice.
Pippin gave them a tired wave and then followed Diamond into their old bedroom at Crickhollow. It was late in the evening of September 22nd, or more correctly early morning of September 23rd. They had been celebrating Bilbo and Frodo's 154th and 76th birthdays, or as Pippin felt it easier to call it, their 230th birthday. The children were all asleep, the adults were going to bed now as well. They had been sitting by the fire for hours now, and Pippin was tired.
He closed the door to his old bedroom and Diamond sat down on the bed. The intoxication he had felt earlier in the night was almost completely gone, but his head was still spinning a little. He was tired and longed for sleep. He unbuttoned his shirt and casually threw it on the bed, or more correctly on Diamond who happened to be sitting right where he threw it. She picked it up and folded it neatly before setting it aside.
"It's queer being back here" she said.
"Home's always home" Pippin objected.
"This was a home… Now it's a dusty old hole which needs a good deal more cleaning up than the Brandybucks did before tonight's party."
"Do you really wish to say such things about the place where our son was born?" Pippin asked and poured himself a glass of water from the pitcher Diamond had placed on the nightstand.
"Look at this place, it's far from in the good shape it was when Faramir was a baby. I would never have allowed it to look like this back then."
Pippin didn't reply. He was busy trying to finish his glass of water while unbuckling his belt. Perhaps he was still a bit more influenced by alcohol still than he thought. Either way it was not easy doing both at once. Diamond looked at him with questioning eyes for a minute before she rose from the bed.
"Is there a light on in the closet?" she asked.
"Oh for crying out loud Diamond, not tonight" Pippin moaned.
For some reason she was still, after all these years, apprehensive of changing into her nightgown in front of him. Pippin thought it was ridiculous, and right now he was not in the mood for her oddities. He put his glass down with a bang and finally with both hands got his belt open.
"I'll take a candle with me" Diamond said and grabbed one from the nightstand.
"Why do you always have to do this?" Pippin asked.
"Do what?"
"Can't you change in front of me? What's so horrible about that?"
Diamond blushed and looked away.
"For goodness sake, we've been married for what, fifteen years? Your shyness has lost its charm a long time ago."
"Pardon me" Diamond said irritably. "But I was not raised to be vulgar."
"Vulgar?" Pippin said. "Diamond… Don't you think I've seen a lot more of you than just your nightgown?"
"Now you're vulgar" Diamond said and blushed even worse.
"You can change in here, I'll close my eyes if I must" Pippin sighed, not up for the argument. "But you really need to start getting it into your head that it's no use hiding from me what I see quite often anyway."
"You be quiet" Diamond said. "It's not appropriate!"
"Why is that?" Pippin asked and sat down on the bed to pull his pants off. "I can see how it would be if we weren't married… But we are. And come to think of it, you didn't pay much respect to what was fitting and not before we were married!"
"We never did anything we weren't supposed to!"
"But you and I both wanted to. And we did everything else, it seems…"
"Can we please not have this conversation?"
Pippin sighed and threw his pants on the floor. Diamond sighed even heavier and picked them up. While she folded them she gave him an angry look.
"Do you have a problem with folding your clothes instead of just throwing them on the floor like that?"
"Just trying to start a fight, dear" Pippin said sarcastically.
Diamond sighed.
"I'll be in the closet. Don't throw anything else on the floor until I get back."
Sam and Rose both sat down on the bed in the room they had been given and looked at each other awkwardly. They had not shared a bed in over two years. It was easier that way.
Rosie rose and began to brush her long, curly hair. Sam looked around the room and tried to find something to say. Somehow they seemed like strangers to one another, they had not spent much time alone together for the past ten years, and when they did they rarely talked. Now talking was the only thing they had to do.
"Did you have fun tonight?" he asked.
"Yes. It was a fun party."
Sam nodded.
"What about you, did you have fun?" Rose asked.
"Yes. Though it's never the same without Frodo."
"He's been gone for twenty years. I would have thought by now you would have accustomed to him not being here."
"I have. But on his birthday, and in March, I really feel that I miss him."
"I'm sorry" Rose said and gave him a sympathetic look. "I wish he didn't have to sail into the West…"
"I wish that too. But it was better for him."
Rose put down the hairbrush and nodded slightly. She barely remembered Frodo Baggins. She had only known him for a short time and he had been gone for so long. But she knew Sam missed him. Poor Sam missed far too many things these days.
"It's been two and a half years now since Tolman…" she said. "And a year since Hamfast. Time goes by a lot faster than one would think." She paused. "Five years since Ruby… Twenty years or so since Frodo left… Where have all the years gone to, Sam?"
"We're still young!" Sam said cheerfully.
Rose scoffed. Who was he kidding? They were both past their prime by now.
"Okay, so maybe we're not as young as we were… But I for one think it's been a good twenty years!"
"You haven't had to birth another child every other year" Rose bitterly pointed out. Then she covered her mouth with her hand. "Goodness! Forgive me, I don't know what came over me! I didn't mean it."
"I think you did" Sam said and walked up to her. "And you're right." He paused. "We haven't really ever talked about this, have we?"
"It's not easy to talk about."
"Perhaps we should. I feel like there's been a distance between us, I want it sorted out!"
"Dear Sam…" Rose said and put her hand on his arm. "Two of our children have died in the past two years. It is not odd that our marriage has been different."
"We would have had thirteen if all had lived" Sam said. "Instead we have ten. It's more than most ever have."
"And they're all wonderful" Rose said with a smile. "Sam, I do not regret having birthed them all. Though I would not have chosen to have so many."
"You're an amazing lass, Rosie" Sam said. "And an amazing mother. And you are an amazing wife. It is I who have not been wonderful."
"You are, Sam" Rose said.
"I've been off being Mayor, leaving you to take care of all the children I give you. I ought to have stayed home and helped you out!"
"You are a fine Mayor" Rose said. "And you do care for the children. Do not give yourself criticism you do not deserve."
"You're not mad at me for not being more helpful over the years?"
"No I'm not mad" Rose said. "Really, I'm not."
"Thank you, Rose" Sam said with a relieved smile and gave her a hug.
"You're welcome" Rose said.
Sam smiled and went back to sit on the bed. He looked at the bed, then at Rose, then back at the bed. He couldn't help but laugh a little.
"So here we are… Back in a bedroom together."
"Here we are."
"I promise I will leave you alone tonight."
"I know you will."
Sam sighed slightly.
"You miss it, don't you?" Rose asked.
Sam nodded. Rose nodded too. There was not much to say. They could not change the facts.
Estella fumbled with the pins in her hair, trying to get them out. It was not very comfortable to have them in when she laid down, and it was not easy getting them out while she was lying either. She wondered why she had even worn pins tonight. She could have figured out that this was going to happen.
"I need to get the pins out of my hair" she said to Merry.
He mumbled something in return and sat up, allowing her to sit as well. While she worked on her pins he began working on the buttons on his shirt. Somehow he managed to be done before she was, and threw his shirt on the floor. He then began working on her dress, and Estella couldn't help but wish he would slow down just a little. They had all night.
"Are you in a hurry, Master Brandybuck?" she teased.
"Estella you talk too much" Merry replied and kissed her neck.
"I was once told it was charming."
"It was. Once. How many pins do you have in your hair?"
"Seven."
"How many left?"
"Three."
Merry muttered something not very flattering about her use of pins in her hair, then continued to kiss her neck. Estella smiled and continued fiddling with her pins. On purpose she took much longer time with them than she needed, she found it amusing to get Merry a bit frustrated. A little lesson in patience could perhaps do him good.
After a minute he stopped working on her dress and instead tried to get the two remaining pins out of her hair. But with his eyes still closed as he was kissing her neck he couldn't locate the pins and only managed to mess up her hair. Finally his mouth left her neck and he looked up.
"What is wrong with these pins?" he muttered.
"Patience, darling."
With a moan of frustration he got off the bed and located his shirt on the floor. Folding it nicely he began to hum a melody, and as he put the shirt on a chair he sang a few notes from one of his favorite songs. Now that he had found something else to do for a few minutes Estella could get her pins out without any problem. She listened to him singing for a while, and the atmosphere in the room seemed to change. There was something melancholy over it now. Estella was slightly taken by how fast Merry's mood had changed.
As he began on the second verse she rose from the bed and got out of her clothes and into her nightgown. She listened to him sing and realised it was unusual. He had not sung since he returned from Gondor. When she thought about it, she remembered that he had once said that singing for him was something that was strongly connected to Pippin. They had always sung together. Perhaps that was the reason why she hadn't heard him sing for so long.
As Merry sang the third verse she got into bed and pulled the covers over her. The gigglish mood she had been in earlier was gone. It was not really a sad song he sang, but the way he sang it made it seem melancholy. It was queer with him, he could so easily turn joy into sadness and the other way around. It was one of his best traits, and at the same time one of his biggest faults.
Merry walked up to the bed, still singing, and looked down at Estella with melancholy in his eyes. She had been right in thinking it had been a long time since last he sang. Save for lullabies he had not sung a tune since his journey home from Gondor. And she was right about the reason for it. Singing was something he had always done with Pippin. How did one sing alone? But it seemed like he would have to learn.
"Fire and lamp, and meat and bread" he sang and pulled the covers off Estella. "And then to bed! And then to bed!"
He got in the bed right next to her and pulled the covers back over them. Placing an arm across her chest he began kissing her, this time with emotion and the melancholy he had had in his song, rather than eagerness and passion. Even though there was great sadness in his kisses now, Estella found she preferred them to those he had given her just a short while ago. These seemed honest, the other ones had felt like a mask he had put on to hide how he really felt.
With his left hand, the one draped across her, he played with some curls in her hair. Her hair was shorter now than it usually was, she had tired of having to spend so much time maintaining it and had cut it in length with her shoulders in the beginning of the year. By now it had grown roughly five centimeters, and as it was no longer held up by the pins it was spread across the pillows.
She placed her hand on the back of his head and stroke his neck. This was how she liked him, gentle and with emotion. He had not been like this for a long time.
"And then to bed!" she whispered in his ear.
"Leave one candle burning, Pippin!" Diamond said.
Pippin nodded and blew out the rest before he got back into bed. Diamond was brushing through her long hair and Pippin wished she would do that before she got into bed. Now there would be strains of hair everywhere.
"It is inappropriate to brush ones hair in bed and get hair all over the place where two people will sleep, wouldn't you agree?" he said, only half jesting.
"Sorry" she said and put the brush down on the nightstand.
Pippin looked at her for a minute with a frown and then scooted a little closer.
"How come the thought of me seeing you with little clothes on makes you blush?" he asked. "I don't understand it."
"It is not appropriate" she told him again. "What I don't understand is how it can bother you so much."
"I just don't like knowing that there are things you feel you cannot do in front of me. We should be completely comfortable around each other after all these years. How can there still be things you feel you can not show me?"
"It has nothing to do with that" Diamond said and gently caressed his cheek. "I am completely comfortable around you, darling."
"So you can answer whatever question I ask you and you will feel all right with it?" Pippin asked doubtingly.
"Not any question" Diamond said and once again blushed. "A lass has her secrets."
"Any question about us, then?"
"What is it that you want to ask?"
"I don't know" Pippin said and shrugged his shoulders. "I just want to know that you're comfortable talking to me."
"I've never said I was" Diamond pointed out. "I thought you were upset about me not wanting to change clothes in front of you."
"If you're not comfortable doing that, then you might not be comfortable talking to me either" Pippin said. "But I'm sorry. Forgive me, I should not bother you like this. If you don't want to talk, then what can I do?"
Diamond looked at him and felt bad when she saw the sad look on his face. She knew he had had a rough couple of years and felt guilty. The last thing he needed was to feel there were problems between them. He was used to being able to confide anything in people close to him, it had to be hard on him that he could not do so with his wife.
"Peregrin, how about this… I ask you one question that you have to answer, and then you ask me one that I have to answer."
"What do you want to know?" Pippin asked.
"How come you don't sing anymore? You always sang before, but you haven't in recent years."
Pippin sighed and thought about it for a minute.
"You know… I haven't realised it myself. But you're right. I don't sing anymore. I guess it's due to Merry and how his and my friendship has faded… We always sang together, Merry and I. It is difficult singing when you're on your own."
Diamond nodded.
"I am sorry, Pippin…"
"So I get to ask you something now?" Pippin asked to avoid having to get into the subject of himself and Merry. He did not want to discuss it right now.
"What do you want to know?"
"I'll have to think about it…" Pippin said. "It's hard coming up with a question out of the blue…" He paused and gave it some thought. Suddenly something came to mind. "I've been thinking lately… Sam and Rose, they sleep in different bedrooms now so that she won't be pregnant again. I've heard from Merry that Rose in the last years of them sharing a bed did not enjoy their intimacy. Is that how you feel?"
Diamond blushed and looked away.
"For you never seem to enjoy it" Pippin continued. "You're always so quiet."
"One of us has to be" she joked.
"Come now Dimesy, I'm serious… Do you wish me to leave you alone in bed?"
"No" Diamond said and forced herself to look at him. "I don't. But it's part of why I do not change my clothes in front of you. It's not appropriate. I was taught that you should never be as unashamed as that you make any sounds."
Pippin shook his head in disbelief. Some of her ways were just unintelligible to him.
"Did you ever think things were going to be this way?" Sam asked as they got into bed. "Between you and I, I mean?"
"That we would be sleeping in different rooms? No…"
"What did you expect of our future when we were married?"
"Truth be told I had no expectations" Rose said. "I just thought we would be married and we would have children, perhaps four or five, and we would live happily ever after. Turns out I missed the mark by nearly two thirds!"
"Four or five might have been a good number" Sam said. "But it makes me wonder which four or five we would single out?"
"That's not what I meant" Rose said and looked frightened. "I would not have either one of the children not born! All I meant was that…"
"That if you had to do it again you would have wanted only five" Sam finished the sentence for her. "To be honest Rose, Tom should never have been born. He didn't even live to see this world, and you nearly died with him!"
"I don't see it that way" Rose said. "He's our son as much as Frodo or Pippin…"
Sam stared at the ceiling for a second and pondered his years as a father.
"I think… I might have wanted many children to compensate for all that I've lost" he then said. "Through having lots of children I sought to fill the voids of things I've lost in my life. And they have. They've filled more voids than I've ever had. They're good children."
"Yes they are" Rose said with a slight smile. "All of them are."
"I remember when Elanor was little" Sam said with a smile. "How fair she was even then. Sometimes when I look at her now I cannot believe how grown up she's become! And how fair she is still!"
"They call her Elanor the Fair" Rose said. "The lads run after her each time she goes to a party. I wonder if she won't be leaving us soon to marry."
"Not until she's thirty" Sam said.
"The way time seems to fly, she will be before long" Rose said.
"It's strange… But we will lose all of them. Elanor will marry, and she will leave Bag End to live with her husband. Perhaps he is not from Hobbiton! Perhaps she will move further away. She will marry, move and we will lose her."
"It's not the same as losing them the way we lost our Hamfast" Rose pointed out.
"No it isn't… Yet lose them we will. Even if they come by their old home every day we will lose them. Even Frodo, if he stays at Bag End to later inherit it. He won't be our little boy anymore, he will be a grown Hobbit, possibly with his own wife and children."
"Children grow up, Samwise" Rose said with a sigh and turned to lie on her side. "They're supposed to. Don't worry so much about it."
Sam nodded. They fell silent for a while. All that was heard was the ticking of the old clock on the wall. It was sometime after midnight and time to go to sleep. Yet sleep would not come this night, it seemed.
"Rose…" Sam said after a while.
"Yes Sam?"
"It's good to share a bed with you again. In a chaste way, I mean."
"It's been a long time since we've slept next to each other, hasn't it?"
"And I'm afraid it's going to continue to be. At least for another five years or so while you still can have children."
"And then what?" Rose asked.
"Then… then it will be up to you whether or not you want me back in your bed" Sam said after some hesitation. He had not expected her to question what would happen once they could sleep together again.
"We'll see" Rose said.
"Do you really feel so strongly against it?" Sam asked. "Why did you never say anything about it to me?"
"How do you tell your spouse something like that?" Rose asked. "I didn't want to hurt you, dear Sam."
"Instead you let me hurt you!" Sam said. "And I'm not happy about it! I want you to tell me when there's something that needs to stop happening, or start happening. I never want to hurt you again without knowing that I do!"
"You won't have to" Rose said.
They smiled slightly at each other. Rose reached out her hand and placed it over Sam's.
Merry's breath was hot in Estella's ear, it was getting close to uncomfortable. She wished he wouldn't breathe directly into her ear in this manner. Not only was it hot, but it tickled. But that was her only complaint right now.
Gently she lifted up her hand and guided Merry's mouth from her ear to her lips, and they kissed with a sense of serenity she had never experienced in this situation before. There was still such melancholy over him, even though she knew that he was not sad in this moment there was still something sorrowful about him.
She ran her hand through his curls and then caressed his neck. After a few moments she let her hand trail down his back and rested it at the small of his back. She ran her other hand up and down his back, following the slightly curved line of his spine. Merry's hands were each on one side of her head, close enough for her to be able to turn her head and kiss one of them.
Merry was heavy, but unusually slim. Ever since his years serving the lords of Rohan and Ithilien he had liked to exercise and keep himself in good shape. He also knew that if he were to travel south it would be much easier if he wasn't overweight. Estella was thankful that he kept in good physics, he would be far too heavy for her otherwise.
"Merry…" she moaned in his ear when they broke the kiss.
He didn't answer. He never did. He never spoke when they were intimate, other than to tell her to be quiet. It was as if he was too concentrated to be able to waste effort on talking. Estella had once wondered if all lads were like this, but Diamond had told her that Pippin talked constantly. Somehow she didn't find that hard to imagine. But it was just characteristic for the two, Pippin would be talkative and Merry quiet and focused.
"Merry…" she moaned again.
Merry blew air into her ear and wished she would be quiet. He lifted himself up to look at her and wondered why she always felt the need to talk. It was as if she had to stay active even when lying still, she kept active by talking. He smiled slightly at her face, the face he loved so dearly and could see clear traces of in most of his children's faces. She had her eyes closed and her mouth slightly open. He wanted to kiss her but held back for now.
Instead of kissing her lips he lowered himself back down and began placing kisses on other parts of her face. He heard her chuckle slightly as he kissed her forehead, her eyebrows, her eyelids, cheeks, nose and chin. Teasingly he kissed the corners of her mouth, but when she opened her mouth more to kiss him he went back to kissing her forehead again. He repeated the procedure a few times until finally she opened her eyes and grabbed his head between her hands. She pulled him to her and kissed him hard on the mouth, this time making Merry chuckle. The kiss soon turned deeper and more passionate, and she wrapped her arms around his neck to pull him closer.
This was the way he preferred it. Estella was not speaking, only moaning, and her hands were caressing him. She followed him in his rhythm and let him decide the pace. They had all night, and neither of them was in a rush.
Eventually they stopped kissing and Merry rested his face by her neck. Estella's right hand caressed the back of his head and tried to untangle a few tangled curls she came across. Always moving about, always occupying her hands with some task. She was much different from her brother, who never moved unless he had to.
"Darling…" she mumbled in his ear.
Merry gently shushed her. He was once again breathing hot into her ear and to avoid it she turned her head. Her eyes fell on his left hand, and she looked at it with wonder. She looked at her own left hand draped across his back, and saw how it glistered from the candlelight reflected in the golden ring on her finger. She turned her eyes back to Merry's hand. It did not glister. His hand was free of jewellery. It had been custom among Hobbits for the past hundred years that both husband and wife wore wedding rings, but Merry had not wanted to. It had made Estella furious when she found out, but he had been hard-core on the subject. No matter what she said, he had refused to change his mind. In the end she had given up.
"I know not all rings are of evil" she remembered that he had said. "But I don't want one on my finger. I don't need a ring to know that I have a wife."
But his right hand was not without rings. His right middle-finger carried one, and it was a sore spot for Estella. They never spoke of it, for Estella knew it was no use. When his mind was set on something there was no way to change it. She wasn't even sure she would want him to. The way he stood up for his principles and decisions was a great part of who he was and she didn't want to change him. But in some ways he was just too queer.
"Merry…" she whispered again in his ear.
"Estella…" he whispered in response. "Be quiet."
"I cannot change what I was taught growing up" Diamond said and twirled the wedding ring on her left hand.
"But after all these years you shouldn't still be tied down by it" Pippin said. Then he sighed and laid back down on his back, staring at the ceiling. "Let's not talk about this anymore… I'm too tired to discuss this. We won't be getting anywhere anyway."
"But things are good between us, right?" Diamond asked. "Even though I have some of my oddities, and you sure do have yours, we still have a good relationship, right?"
"Yes" Pippin said. "I have no other complaints."
"You know, Pip… I'm sorry about you and Merry. Though I have never liked how your whole life seems to be about him, I do not enjoy this situation between you."
"I know you don't."
"He is still as big a part of your life as he was before. He always will be. Only now that fact causes you pain."
Pippin didn't answer. Diamond wondered if she had taken a wrong path with this conversation. This was no doubt a very difficult subject for Pippin. But he had said earlier that they could talk about everything with one another. They should be able to talk about this too.
"What happened between you?" she asked.
"Ask Merry" Pippin said. "For I'll be damned if I know."
"Merry's the problem?"
"I never wanted this situation to arise."
"But he did?"
"Leave it be, Diamond" Pippin snarled. Then he softened a bit. "Please… It's still hard to talk about it. It's like he cut off half of me, but only halfway. So now that other half is still attached to me, but yet its not, and the wound grows more infected by the day. I wish he were to just cut it off completely and be done with it!"
"Do you really wish that?" Diamond said. "Life without Merry, can you do that?"
"If I have to" Pippin said. "In truth, no, I can't. But I can't do this life either. Am I with him or without him? How will I ever know unless he finally breaks the bond completely or comes back to me?"
"He will come back" Diamond said.
"What makes you so sure?"
"For he is one half of you" Diamond said. "Haven't you always said so to me? That you are him and he is you! He needs that every bit as much as you do!"
"To be honest Dimesy I've always felt like I need Merry a bit more than he needs me… He has lived without me, I have never lived without him. He was always the one who took care of me, he never needed me to care for him. He has never needed me in the same way."
"It will be all right…" Diamond said. "Everything will be. Remember that things are always darker before dawn."
"There are some days that have no dawn" Pippin said, speaking from experience. "Some days when the sky is dark even at noon. Days when all hope has faded."
"But it will not be this day."
Pippin looked at her and managed to smile slightly. Poor Diamond. Her happiness was as dependent on Merry as his own, for she could never be happy unless the one she spent her life with was happy too. She had married more than she had ever expected to. In a way, she had married the fellowship.
Diamond gave him a kiss and curled up next to him. He was melancholy now, the grumpiness from earlier in the night was gone. Somehow it was comforting that he was in this mood, at least when he was like this she knew how to handle it.
"We both do have our oddities" she said. "Perhaps all we can do is accept that which is odd with the other person?"
She kissed his cheek and watched him watch the ceiling. She would give anything to hear him sing again. He had said that singing was not done without Merry. How much would be lost in Pippin if Merry left his side for good?
"The question is, which one of us has more oddities?" Pippin said. "Me with Merry, the fellowship, Gondor… Or you with your shyness?"
"Perhaps our oddities can cancel each other out" Diamond suggested.
"Perhaps" Pippin nodded.
Diamond closed her eyes and with a content sigh began to drift off to sleep. Pippin was awake now, his sleepiness had left him. Perhaps it was time to let Merry go. Why not let Diamond be the most important friend and relationship in his life?
Sam woke up by Rose shifting in the bed. He frowned slightly but closed his eyes to go back to sleep. However Rose turned again. She kept twisting and turning, making it difficult for him to go back to sleep. Finally he opened his eyes and sat up to look at her.
"Why are you twisting about so much? Can't you lie still?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. My thoughts are keeping me up."
"Do they have to keep me up as well?" Sam asked. He was cranky.
"I'm sorry, Sam."
Sam lay back down and closed his eyes. But just as he was about to fall asleep Rose shifted and woke him up again. Angrily he reached out his hand and slapped her pillow.
"Quit turning!"
"I'm sorry" Rose said again.
She couldn't relax and go to sleep, the thoughts were too many in her head. It felt odd to be in the same bed with Sam again. She had never gotten much sleep in the beds she shared with him. She managed to lie still for a while, but by now Sam was awake. With a sigh he got out of bed and lit a candle.
"Do we have any water here?" he asked.
"No."
"I'm thirsty."
Pulling a robe around him he left with the candle to find some water. He hadn't been at Crickhollow for ages, in the dark he had some trouble finding his way to the kitchen. Chills went down his spine as he walked down the dark and quiet halls. This was where it had all begun. This was where the conspiracy had been unmasked and the first formations of the Fellowship had set out on their long and dangerous journey. It had all begun here.
How scared he had been that night. He had known he would go where Mister Frodo went, and nowhere else, to whatever end that might be. But he had still been afraid. The world was vast and filled with unknown dangers. He wondered if he had set out on the journey if he'd know what they would encounter. But Mister Frodo never had a choice, and Sam had to follow him. He would have gone.
He passed by Pippin and Diamond's bedroom. Not a sound was heard. The house was so quiet. Too quiet. It left Sam alone with his thoughts.
He found his way to the kitchen and got himself some water. Perhaps it was the memory of the night they'd spent in Crickhollow before their departure, but Sam felt as thirsty as he had in Mordor. He drank and drank, there didn't seem to be enough water in the world to still his thirst. And then he had to pee. He walked outside into the chilly night and hesitated for a moment before he closed the door behind him. Suddenly Crickhollow felt like a nice, warm and welcoming place. The September night was cold and foggy, the surroundings looked spooky. Half expecting a ringwraith to come riding up to the house at any moment, Sam quickly peed and hurried back inside.
On his way back he passed by Merry and Estella's bedroom. All was quiet there too. Crickhollow was asleep. Sam's thoughts were awake. Would there ever be life without problems, he wondered. Knowing that he would not be able to sleep now he went to the nearest sitting room and sat down there by the fireplace that hadn't been used in well over five years.
In many ways life had been easier the first time he spent the night at Crickhollow. A dangerous journey was ahead of them that night, but life was somehow so simple. Staying alive was all that mattered, and keeping Mister Frodo alive. There were no other worries than that. All that mattered was staying alive and keeping your strength.
Now things were different. Not only did he have to worry about the survival and well being of his ten children, he had problems with their mother. Something was not right between him and Rose, no matter what she said. A wedge had been driven between them through the years, somewhere along the road they had forgotten why they were married and only produced children together. They had to find a way back to each other. He loved her too much to let her go. And he didn't want her to be unhappy.
For twenty years he had thought only of himself, never giving a thought to what Rosie went through to give life to their children. He should have seen it, should have seen how spent she was and how she took only discomfort in their intimacy. But he had been too busy to notice. Too busy with the children, too busy being the Mayor of the Shire. They had barely seen each other at all during the days, only when they had dinner or ran into each other in the halls. They should have sat down and talked about their marriage a long time ago. Maybe if they had, Rose wouldn't have nearly been killed at childbirth. Maybe they would still be sleeping in the same bed each night.
The room was quiet and peaceful. Estella and Merry were spooned in the bed, their right hands entwined and held up above the sheets. Both their eyes were for some reason on their hands, and with their fingers they played simple games. Stretching, clenching, moving sideways and front and back. Their fingers moved as one.
Estella was at complete peace. She loved moments like these, just the two of them in the night. There was something so innocent about these moments, it was only the two of them without any desires to be anywhere else or do anything else.
Merry was not as melancholy anymore. He seemed to be at peace as well. Right now he had no thoughts of people he missed, places he longed to or problems he needed to solve. Right now all he had to do was lie there and enjoy the moment.
Not a word was said between them. They were as silent as the room itself. Even their breaths were quiet now. It was often that way, everything would be silent until they both drifted off to sleep. But it had not always been like that.
This moment had been a time when they would talk about everything and anything. They could share thoughts with each other that didn't seem fitting at any other time, they could discuss almost anything in these moments. That was the way it had been. But now it was a moment of silence. Ever since Merry's return from Gondor it had been moments of silence. It made Estella wonder with sadness. How come everything seemed to be silence since Merry's return?
"Darling…" she said, determined to break the silence.
"Yes?"
"What's on your mind?"
There was a pause.
"Nothing's on my mind."
"Something has to be."
"No, nothing… Just enjoying the silence."
"You do that a lot these days" Estella said.
"I have less silence than you think" Merry said, hoping she wouldn't start a fight. "When I can find a moment, I enjoy it."
"We used to talk…" she said.
He didn't answer. Estella wished he would tell her what was wrong. Surely this couldn't have to do with Peregrin. He had some other reason for not talking and she wanted to know what it was.
"We used to talk after we'd made love" she repeated.
"You talk during" Merry said and chuckled.
"You don't. You never talk at all anymore, it seems. Not with me, anyway."
"What do you want me to talk about?"
"What goes on in your head."
"I wasn't thinking much" Merry said. "I was just enjoying the moment. I was thinking of how great it is to be here with you, in these moments when it feels like we're the only two Hobbits in the world. And I know that it is all I need and all I could ask for. They are perfect moments."
"Is that really how you feel?" Estella asked. "Sometimes I wonder… I don't feel like I can give you all that you want and need. I often feel inadequate."
"I don't always need Rohan and the Fellowship and my past adventures…" Merry said. "All I want in these moments is you."
"That's what I want too…" Estella said. "But I want us to talk. We never talk anymore when we're together like this. In fact, you hardly talk to me at all once we're in a bedroom."
"Yes I do" Merry chuckled and blew air into her ear.
"Will you stop blowing air into my ear like that?"
Merry kissed her ear instead of blowing into it, and she nuzzled closer to him.
"This is how I like it best…" she said. "Talking, playing around a bit, getting cosy…"
"This is indeed very nice" Merry said. "And you're right. It is nicer when we talk. I don't know why I've been so quiet lately."
"Neither do I" Estella said. "But as with most other things it began after you came back from Gondor. What happened there, Merry?"
"Nothing happened" Merry said. "It just coincided with things changing, I guess…"
"What things?"
"I'm getting tired of talking" Merry said and began to kiss her neck.
Estella knew he was only avoiding answering. And she thought she knew why. It had to do with Pippin. But if he didn't want to talk about it then there was nothing she could do. She hoped he would confide in her when he felt like it. In the meantime, he could continue kissing her if he wished. She sure didn't mind.
Diamond had a strange dream. She was walking through the woods with Faramir, and he was singing. It was a song she knew from before, but her son sang it with a melancholy that made it seem like a different song. The woods were cold, yet the sun was shining and everything around her was bright. Faramir seemed unconcerned, in spite of his melancholy singing.
Upon the hearth the fire is red,
Beneath the roof there is a bed;
But not yet weary are our feet,
Still round the corner we may meet
A sudden tree or standing stone
That none have seen but we alone.
Tree and flower and leaf and grass,
Let them pass! Let them pass!
Hill and water under the sky,
Pass them by! Pass them by!
Suddenly Diamond and Faramir were no longer in the woods. They were standing in what appeared to be a large citadel. There was a white tree, that turned into a huge, treelike creature. She could hear a thundering voice speaking, and a man's voice crying out in despair. With her was still Faramir, and he was still singing.
Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate,
And though we pass them by today,
Tomorrow we may come this way
And take the hidden paths that run
Towards the Moon or to the Sun.
Apple, thorn, and nut and sloe,
Let them go! Let them go!
Sand and stone and pool and dell,
Fare you well! Fare you well!
Diamond woke up. She realised she was in the bed at Crickhollow, and it had only been a dream. There were no citadels with white trees, or forests that seemed cold in the middle of a hot day, or treelike creatures speaking to her. She was in her old bedroom and all was fine.
She realised she could still hear the singing. It was not Faramir, it was Peregrin. He had taken the candle they had left burning and was now sitting on the windowsill looking out into the night. And he was singing his melancholy song.
Home is behind, the world ahead,
And there are many paths to tread
Through shadows to the edge of night,
Until the stars are all alight.
The world behind and home ahead,
We'll wander back to home and bed.
Mist and twilight, cloud and shade,
Away shall fade! Away shall fade!
Fire and lamp, and meat and bread,
And then to bed! And then to bed!
His song ended and he turned his head to look at her. When he found her awake he smiled slightly. Diamond had tears in her eyes, she was so touched to have heard him sing again. She didn't know it, but he had made his choice. Merry or no, he would not let his life come to a halt no matter what his friend decided. He would focus on Diamond instead. And he would sing for her.
Diamond got out of bed and took a few steps toward him. She stopped, tears still falling down her cheeks yet smiling. Then to both her own surprise and Pippin's she pulled her nightgown over her head and let it fall to the floor. Pippin stared at her with wide eyes. She reached out her hand to him.
"Dimesy?"
"And then to bed!"
Sam found Rose awake when he came back to their room. She was sitting by the mirror, combing her hair once more. How often had he not seen her like this? Combing her hair before she went to bed. Fifty strokes each time.
"You're still awake" he noted.
"You took long" she replied.
"I was very thirsty."
She nodded and put her comb down. Their eyes met in the mirror. Both were unsure of what to say or do.
"So many nights I watched you comb your hair before you went to bed" Sam said eventually. "I miss seeing that."
"I'm sorry" she said and looked down at the brush.
"How long are we going to go on like this?" Sam said and sighed deeply. "We're always apologising for something. Always avoiding to talk about something. Whatever happened to the way we were, Rose?"
"Life happened, Samwise" Rose said. "Things changed. It was not your fault and it was not my fault. Things changed."
"I want us back" Sam said. "We were in love once, and I know we are still!"
"We just don't have time to be in love" Rose said.
"We have to make time then" Sam said. "Don't you know that it is the most important thing of all? It's the foundation for our lives, for our children's upbringing!"
"Sam, we are not raising more than half our children" Rose said. "Elanor and Rose, they're more mother to Primsy, Daisy and Bilbo than I am! And the oldest don't need a mother anymore, they're starting to live their own lives. Somehow it seems half of them passed us by!"
"We are more than just the children."
"We were once. But it's been a long time since it's been about anything but them. They come first, Sam."
Rose put her comb aside and went back to bed. Sam followed her.
"So this is just how it's going to be then?" he asked.
"Give it time, Samwise" Rose said. "We've been through a lot. Tom's death, Ham's death. And maybe sometimes things don't have to be wonderful. Maybe we're allowed to have times in our marriage when we feel like we're more apart than together. It will turn out all right in the end, so don't worry."
"Maybe you're right" Sam said, though he didn't see how she could be.
"I think I am" Rose said and blew out the candle she had had lit when she brushed her hair. "Now goodnight, Samwise. Tomorrow is another day and we can talk more then. I'm tired and I want to get some sleep."
"Goodnight Rose" Sam said and blew out his candle too.
The room went dark and they both closed their eyes to sleep. But neither could go to sleep just yet. They were unused to sharing a bed, yet at the same time they were very used to it. But it was strange to both to share a bed as friends rather than lovers.
How did they ever end up like this, Sam wondered. Things had been so wonderful when they were first married. Rose had been the answer to all of his dreams and prayers, she gave him a real home, wonderful children and lots of love. How could it have come to where they were now?
Sam liked to dream back to how things had been all those years ago. He remembered how he would work in the garden, and Elanor and Frodo would play together in the grass. Rose would finish her household work as soon as she could and then sit outside with the baby, just enjoying the sun and the surroundings. How happy they had been back then. There was no reason why they could not be so happy now. Even with what had happened with Ruby, Tom and Ham they could still have a happier family life than they did.
Sam imagined what it would be like. Frodo would be working in the garden, Merry would be tending to the animals and Pippin would be playing with his younger brothers in the grass. Out of the older children, Pippin was the by far most playful one who loved wrestling with his younger brothers and always had time to play with them. And while he played with them, young Rose and Elanor would sit in the wicker chairs and work on their sowing. Their mother would be relaxed in a chair with Primsy in her lap, listening to something Daisy read from a book. Sam wished it could only be like that. Perhaps it could be.
Perhaps all Rose needed was a little time. They all needed time after what had happened last summer. No matter how wonderful the scenario was in Sam's head, it had one big fault. Hamfast was not in it. With a sigh Sam realised that things could never be as good as they once were.
Estella came close to hitting her head on the headboard and looked up at it with slightly startled eyes. She couldn't help but laugh and Merry shook his head at her like she was crazy. Taking it as a challenge she rolled him over with all her force. It took all she had to roll him, he was a lot heavier than she was.
They kissed with heat and passion, and continuing to roll they came close to rolling off the bed. Both had to laugh at how close they'd come to rolling off. Through an unspoken agreement they rolled back into the middle of the bed and then stayed there. It was safer that way.
They looked into each other's eyes for a minute, then Estella's eyes fell on the scar above Merry's eyebrow. It was a dark and ugly scar, it looked like the wound had been painful. When she had asked Merry had responded that the wound had not been as painful as the treatment. It was some kind of orc that had caused him that injury a long time ago, yet the scar was still prominent. It had taken her years to find out what had caused him the injury and she had yet to find out where it had happened and for what reason. She would never know more than half about his life, it seemed.
With her fingertips she gently traced the line of the scar. Getting a bit philosophical she wished the scar would be able to tell her more of how it had gotten there. Merry closed up each time she tried to talk about his adventure. She envied Rose, who had heard the full story before she and Sam were married.
Merry felt her fingers brush his scar, and he wondered why she did that. He hated that scar, it anything but adorned his face. And it was a constant memory of days he wished he could forget, days of torture, fatigue and fear. He knew she wanted to know about it, but he also knew she deep down didn't want to. If she knew, she would be longing back to the days when she didn't know. There was far too much humiliation in his past for him to want her to know of it.
The thoughtful look on her face went away as she closed her eyes in pleasure. A smile appeared on his face. For the time being she had forgotten all about journeys and scars and secrets he wouldn't reveal. She had that look on her face that he knew meant she felt pleasure. He loved making her look like that.
She began to mumble his name and wrapped her legs around his waist. This time he let her talk. He had just promised they would talk more. That promise would probably have to be valid even in these moments. Acting on an impulse he lowered himself down, blew into her ear and then whispered into it.
"Darling…"
"What?" she mumbled and waited for the continuation that would tell her to be silent.
"Darling…" Merry repeated.
Her eyes suddenly opened.
"What did you say?" she asked.
Keeping in a chuckle Merry ignored her question and nibbled her ear. She soon forgot what the question had been in the first place and closed her eyes again.
"Estella…" he moaned in her ear.
This time her eyes opened wide and she momentarily lost her focus on what they were in the middle of. She stared at him as if he had been a goblin and for a moment worried that he might be coming down with something. Perhaps he had finally lost his mind, as her mother had predicted he would for a long time now.
When he noticed that she had gotten sidetracked he stopped what he was doing and lifted himself up to look at her. Both stared at each other with worried eyes.
"Is everything all right?" he asked worriedly.
"I was just about to ask you!"
"Everything's fine with me."
"But you spoke!"
Merry laughed and resumed where he had left off.
"We did agree to talk more, did we not?" he whispered in her ear.
She laughed and pulled him as close as she could.
"Indeed we did… Indeed we did."
"Never let it be said that I don't stand by my word!"
"Merry… be quiet."
They both grinned at each other and then concentrated on what they had been doing when Merry's talking interrupted them. Estella let her hands run up and down his back, the back which she knew so well. Strange how she knew his back better than his past.
The last clear thought in her head was that if this was the new Merry, the Merry who was without Pippin, then she would not mind it one little bit.
The next morning Estella and Merry were the last to get to the breakfast table. The children were all feasting upon the leftovers from the night before, but Rose had made a more proper breakfast for the adults. Both Sam and Pippin had preferred eating the leftovers, but Rose had insisted that they let the children have the better meal this time.
When Merry and Estella joined the rest most of the food had already been eaten. The children were still bickering over the corn and the roast beef, other than that there were no traces of the meal they'd had last night. Rose was still frying eggs for the adults and Merry couldn't help kidnapping half of one from the frying pan. He was starved.
Pippin and Diamond were seated in their old spots by the dinner table. Pippin's left arm was wrapped around Diamond's waist and she held his left hand in hers. They were both in great spirits this morning, even though they hadn't gotten as much sleep as they might have needed. But when Pippin looked at Merry he felt a sting in his heart. When his cousin had first entered the kitchen Pippin's initial thought had been that he couldn't wait to be alone with Merry and tell him all about the past night, then he had realised that those days were gone. Merry would probably still listen, but not with the interest Pippin wanted from him, and not with a lot of participation in the conversation. Pippin had to shake his head hard to clear his mind off these thoughts. He had made up his mind the night before. From now on, Diamond was the most important adult in his life. Until Merry came around, if he ever did, Pippin would focus on her.
Sam was also in a good mood this morning. His head was still filled with daydreams of how wonderful their lives could be at Bag End once more, even though he was painfully aware that it would never be the same without Hamfast. Life would still have to be lived even without his son, and it would someday have to be lived with real joy.
Rose served him some more eggs and placed a kiss on his cheek. With a smile Sam felt in his heart that Rose knew it too. One day things would be good again. Rose still loved him, and they would be fine.
Merry and Estella sat down opposite Diamond and Pippin and began to feast at whatever food was left. Both were starved and ate as if they hadn't seen food in weeks. Rose only shook her head at them and served them more eggs until they were all out. Then she fished out a basket with apples saved from the night before and placed it on the table.
"Rose, you are amazing!" Pippin exclaimed. "Where did you find these? I thought we ate them all last night!"
"I saved some" Rose said. "Though I see now that someone must have been aware of where I hid them. There were ten apples there last night, now there are only three! I was hoping us adults could have at least one apple each, as a treat from last night's feast."
Sam, Pippin and Merry shared a look and then dove for the apples at the same time. The three received some angry cries from their wives, but neither one of them cared. Apples were apples, and if you snooze you lose.
The three ate their apples with huge grins on their faces. Three Hobbits, the best of friends yet quite different from one another. One shy and reserved, one open and talkative and one thoughtful and concerned. Three friends, and three very different marriages.
No more experimental pieces for a while… =) In the next chapter there's the tragedy element again, although this time I'm leaving the Gamgees out of it! Next chapter will include Pippin and Merry dealing with their current situation. Dr. Phil could have a field day ;) See you all next Friday, I would love reviews as usual =)