Author's Note: I don't have much to say about this chapter really. I hope you'll enjoy it! The only thing I want to note perhaps is that I know nothing about farming! So if there are some oddities I've jotted down concerning farming then ignore it.
Disclaimer: Same old, same old =)
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"Da!"
Lúthien's cries woke Merry in the middle of the night. He sat up in bed, rubbed his eyes and shared a look with Estella.
"Is she having another nightmare?" Estella asked and got out of bed.
"I think so" Merry said and grabbed his robe.
Together they hurried to the old nursery across the hall where Lúthien had slept ever since she had survived the Fever. She felt safer there and it was easier for them to get to her soon when she woke up in the middle of the night with bad dreams. She often dreamed nightmares and had in many ways seemed to go back in the ages. She was acting much like when she had been five or six even though she was eleven by now. She had even gone back to calling Merry and Estella Da and Ma, something neither of the children had done past their third birthday except for on very secluded occasions. While her oldest siblings called their parents Sir and Mam, she still used the names she'd used as a little child.
Merry kneeled down by her bedside and took her hand. Estella stood behind him and held up a candle to give them light.
"It's okay" Merry said. "We're here. Did you dream something bad?"
"No" Lúthien said. "I can't sleep."
"Why not dear?" Estella asked.
"There are ringwraiths in my room!"
"Ringwraiths?" Estella echoed.
"Darling…" Merry said gently. "What's a ringwraith?"
"They are wraiths!" Lúthien said. "They are black and wear black robes and are very scary! They want to hurt me!"
"Where did you hear that name?"
"From you" Lúthien said. "In your sleep."
"Did I say in my sleep that there are black wraiths who want to hurt you?" Merry asked, wondering what on earth he had said more in his sleep.
"No" Lúthien said. "But I told Uncle Fatty about it and he told me what the Black Riders were and what they looked like!"
Merry kept in a moan. That fool Fatty. He knew very well he was not supposed to talk to the children about things concerning the journey, especially things that could scare them. He smiled at Lúthien and pretended like the Black Riders were all make believe.
"Darling…" he said. "There are no Black Riders. Ringwraiths don't exist."
"Excuse me" Estella said and put the candle down on the nightstand. "I'll go get you something to drink Lúthie."
She hurried out into the hallway and headed straight to Fatty's room. On her way she grabbed another candle and when she entered her brother's room she briskly shook him awake and pulled the covers off him.
"Fatty! Wake up you sluggard!"
"What?" Fatty moaned and opened his eyes.
"You lazy, no-good Hobbit, wake up!"
"I am really unappreciated around here" Fatty commented and glared at his sister. "What is going on Estella?"
"I need you to tell me something, something important!"
"Can't it wait till the morning?" Fatty asked and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Can I have my covers back?"
"No, it can't wait" Estella said and sat down next to him with his covers thrown on the floor. "I need to know all about ringwraiths!"
"Now? Estella, you don't talk about Black Riders in the dead of night!"
"You have to!"
Fatty looked at her and sighed. It was easier to just give in.
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"So you promise there are no ringwraiths?" Lúthien said.
"Yes" Merry said. "Word of honor."
"But what if there are and you just don't know about it?"
"If so then I will vanquish them with my sword if they dare go near you."
"What's vanquish?"
"It means I'll defeat them and they will leave the world forever."
"Promise?"
"I promise" Merry said and kissed her forehead. "Do you want me to leave the light with you so that nobody will be able to hide in the shadows?"
"That's a good idea!"
"Okay" Merry said and gave her a kiss goodnight. "Goodnight love."
"Goodnight Da!"
Merry left her to go to sleep and walked out in the hallway, wondering what had happened to Estella. He yawned big and decided to go back to bed without waiting for her. He was exhausted. It had been a long time since he had gotten to sleep through a night.
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The next day Estella opened the door to Merry's study slightly and peered in. He was not there, as she had predicted. Hopefully he wouldn't be back for a while. She snuck inside and closed the door carefully behind her.
She walked on her tiptoes over to Merry's desk. It was surprisingly clean, he never kept any papers on it unless he was going to work on them that same day. As carefully as she could she drew out a desk drawer and looked through it. She found nothing of interest and looked through the next. After a few drawers she found what she had been looking for. Merry's notes to the Red Book. He used to work on them every March, hiding himself in his study and refusing to talk to anyone for hours. She knew what the Red Book was about, and she knew she would find answers in his notes. Now she would know.
She sat down by his desk and began looking through the eldest dated notes. They were dated to 1420, the year of the Scouring. To Estella's disappointment they were filled with notes from that event and didn't hold much information on what had happened earlier in the year. She found some notes on how Sharkey was the former White Wizard but wizards were boring and not something that interested her.
She found notes dated to 1422 but again nothing of particular interest. Lots of notes on how different people were doing at the time but nothing of the War. She would not give up that easily. There had to be a lot of things in these notes that concerned the War. She needed to know what had happened and if Merry didn't want to tell her she would have to find out this way. This way he wouldn't have to know she knew, for she knew very well that he didn't want her to know. He said it was important to him to know that she was not haunted by things that had happened to him in the past. But she needed to know.
Finally she found something of interest. Notes from a diary Merry had kept on and off during the travels with the Fellowship. She saw that they were dated to early January 1420 and nervously began to read. This was a great clue to what had really happened.
She didn't hear the door open and she didn't notice the stream of light that fell into the room. But when Merry spoke after a few seconds she heard him.
"What are you doing?" he asked firmly.
She gasped and looked up, shocked at seeing him. He was not supposed to be back yet! She tried to hide the papers she had been looking at but realised at once that it was no use. He had already seen, and the papers were too many.
"I… I just…" she stuttered. "You're back early!"
Merry stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him. He walked up to the desk and gathered the papers while Estella rose and backed away. She could tell he was mad.
"I'm sorry" she managed to say.
Merry looked up at her with ice in his eyes.
"Going through my desk? My personal papers?"
"I…"
"Many of the papers I have here are confidential, private!" he said, sounding calm but Estella knew he was furious on the inside. "Concerning other people! You have no right looking through my papers and my drawers!"
"I was only--"
"But you weren't looking at other people's files. You were looking through my diaries, were you not?" Merry asked and held up the diary she had been reading. "In what lifeless ice land did you think it was okay for you to look through these papers? Have I not said to you time and again, the War and the Journey are memories best kept to those who lived them? You know that very well! You deliberately disobeyed me!"
"I'm sorry! I--"
"Leave" Merry said. "I do not care what you have to say, for no excuses are good enough. There is nothing that can justify what you have done. You have violated my privacy, and is this only the first time?"
"Yes!" Estella said. "Love I swear to you, I have never done this before!"
"Why should I believe it?" Merry asked. "Why should I trust you now? Going behind my back like this, disobeying my direct wish! Snooping in my private life! Rummaging through my desk! Wakening memories more painful than you know!"
"But I was only--"
"Leave!" Merry commanded. "Find yourself somewhere else to sleep tonight, for in my bed you are not welcome. I do not wish to see you right now, is that clear? How could you violate my trust like this?"
Estella opened her mouth to say something in her defense but closed it again. She was frightened by his reaction. He had not raised his voice even for a single syllable but there was more anger behind his words than she had ever heard in him before. She had never thought he'd find out what she did this day but he had caught her red handed. Now there was nowhere to hide.
She hurried out of the room, leaving Merry alone with his papers. He quickly sorted through them and wondered how much she had read. Luckily he didn't keep any papers of any of the greater events in his desk, those papers were safely locked away. From now on he would have to lock his office at all times. He hated that. He wondered how many times before Estella had snuck in here and read through his personal papers. He wondered how she would be able to regain the trust she had just shattered.
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Pippin looked up from his stool when he heard someone come and grinned at Merry. He was just finishing milking the second last cow and didn't mind a brief interruption. Merry leaned against a beam and frowned, crossing his arms.
"What are you doing milking cows?" he asked.
"Diamond's mad at me" Pippin explained. "She makes me do her chores when she's mad at me."
"Why is she mad?"
"Oh, nothing serious. Just you're average fall-out. Happens every now and then, and I always end up having to milk cows and fold the laundry."
"Maybe that's an idea" Merry sighed. "Perhaps I should have Estella do my chores and let her shovel some manure or have sick people be sick on her."
"Why, what are you mad at her for?" Pippin asked and rose from his stool with the milk-filled bucket. He grabbed the stool in his other hand and left the booth with Merry in tow.
"Not just your average fall-out I'm afraid" Merry sighed.
"Well what then?" Pippin asked and put the full bucket up on a shelf while grabbing an empty one to milk the last cow. Merry hesitated for a moment while Pippin placed his stool by the last cow and sat down.
"I caught her looking through my notes and diaries from the Journey" he finally said.
"What?" Pippin said slowly, shocked by the news.
"She thought I was out for a while so she went to my study and went through my papers. I couldn't believe my eyes when I caught her!"
"No" Pippin said, unable to believe it.
"How could she do that, Pip?" Merry asked. "I've never asked much of her, but to respect my privacy should be a given! I would never look through her diaries or personal notes! No matter what, looking through those papers is not okay."
"What did she find out Merry?" Pippin asked.
"I don't know, I didn't ask. I don't think it's the first time she's read my papers, Pip."
Pippin shook his head in disbelief and mechanically began milking the cow. He couldn't believe it. He hoped she hadn't gotten very far, he and Merry had made a decision long ago to keep their past to themselves and by now it had gotten to the point where Pippin didn't want anybody to find out. He didn't want to be treated in the Shire the same way he was treated in Minas Tirith, as if he was some mythological character who had come to life. He wanted to be the Pippin they knew him as, not the Pippin who was held captive by orcs and served insane stewards. His past was something he wished to keep in Gondor and with the Fellowship.
"What are you going to do?" he asked after some silence.
"I don't know what I can do" Merry sighed. "How can I trust her after this? Would you be able to trust Diamond?"
"Not as far as I could throw her if she went through my things behind my back!" Pippin said. "Goodness… I would have expected that from Fatty perhaps, but not Estella."
"It drives me crazy thinking about it" Merry said. "I don't know what to do. I locked the door to my office when I left, I guess I'll have to from now on. Locking doors in my own private halls! Who has ever heard of such a thing?"
"But the past must be protected" Pippin said. "Lock it, I say! Keep it locked always. And you ask that wife of yours what she knows!"
"I just cannot believe her!" Merry said. "She broke my trust, Pip! I've never distrusted her before, now I feel I cannot trust her at all! Who knows what else she's done behind my back?"
"Is there anything I can do?" Pippin asked.
"You can pray she found out nothing" Merry said. "How anyone can break their own spouse's trust I do not see! Husband and wife have to be able to trust each other completely, it just doesn't work otherwise. Now I don't trust her at all."
"I'm really glad I'm not her right now" Pippin said and finished milking the last cow. "Did she give you any reason why she did it?"
"No, and I did not ask. It doesn't matter what she has for a reason, whatever the matter was she should have come to me and not gone behind my back."
"Does she ask a lot about the Journey?"
"Yes" Merry said. "Well, every now and then… I have told her a thousand times, I do not wish to talk about it. What happened when I was younger is none of her concern, she did not know me well then. Will it change anything for the better if she was to know?"
"Probably not" Pippin said. "After all… how could anyone understand? How could anyone who hasn't been there see and know why we did what we did? There's no way. So what good is it that they know? They'll only judge us, either that or they'll hold us up high and think of us as greater heroes than we ever were. Nobody will think the same of us afterward, that's for sure. I don't want that, I like things the way they are."
"So do I" Merry said. "I don't want her looking at me knowing where the scar on my brow came from. I don't want her to know why my arm hurts in March. If I wanted her to know I would have told her a long time ago."
Pippin sighed and rose from his stool.
"So what now? What are you going to say to her when you see her?"
"I'm not sure" Merry said. "What would you say?"
"Probably something that would make me end up milking cows everyday for a month" Pippin said and grabbed the bucket.
"Estella has no right being mad" Merry said and followed Pippin to get the other buckets. "I will not let her talk me over on this one."
"The Smials is open for you if you need some time away" Pippin said and handed Merry two full buckets.
"Thank you" Merry said. "But it is not I who should be running off. I told her not to come to our bedroom tonight, to find a bed somewhere else. I don't want to be near her right now, I most definitely don't want to sleep next to someone I do not trust."
"I don't think she's realised what she's done" Pippin said and walked with Merry in tow to the dairy room. "Those Bolgers never think! Careful, you know your children are half Bolger!"
"The children know to think things through before they act" Merry said. "Though lord knows Cody and Lúthie forget it half the time. But things will not be very pleasant at Brandy Hall for a while now. It will take time for this to blow over."
"I just can't believe it…" Pippin said and shook his head in disbelief. "That she would do such a thing!"
"I know" Merry said. "I cannot believe it either."
He took a deep breath and clenched his fists. He had never felt so betrayed in his life, never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that she would do such a thing. No matter how much she wanted to know something he would have thought she would come to him first. But he had been wrong.
"If she's found out something big…" Pippin said "I will have to tell Diamond."
"Let us hope she hasn't put you in that position" Merry said. "I can only hope she realises what she has done. And pray that she will never do it again."
"For all our sakes I hope she won't" Pippin said.
Merry nodded. He truly hoped that if she had found something out she had kept it to herself. He knew how lasses would gossip when they had their sowing circles. If she said anything to anyone all the Shire would know it before long.
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When Merry returned to Brandy Hall Pippin went inside the Smials and found Diamond sowing a shirt for Faramir in their sitting room. Looking at her he completely forgot that they had been fighting earlier, all he could think of was how lucky he was to have her. She had never done anything but help him and support him, even when he had not been there for her. And she had always respected his desire to keep his past a secret.
She looked up and saw him, with a slight frown on her face.
"So there you are. Milking the cows takes all day, does it?"
"Have I ever told you how lucky I am to have you?" Pippin asked.
"What?"
"I really don't say it often enough… You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm glad Merry stole Estella away, good riddance!"
"Are you feeling all right?" Diamond asked.
"I don't know" Pippin said. "But Dimesy… Honestly… I am so very lucky to have you. And to know that I can trust you, with anything at all!"
"Of course you can trust me" Diamond said and put the shirt aside. "Why wouldn't you be able to trust me?"
"Sometimes you can't trust those you've believed in" Pippin said. "I just… want to thank you. For being you. And for always being there for me. I love you so much Diamond, I hope I tell you that enough!"
"Almost every night" she remarked.
"I hope I say it when we're out of bed as well. Do you know how fine you are to me?"
Diamond shook her head with a slight smile and rose from her chair. She put her sowing gear down and walked up to him slowly.
"You're the gemstone of my life. You make every morning good, every day happy and every night pleasant."
"And what else?" she asked.
"You're just you, that's all" Pippin said. "I trust you with my life. I know you will never break my confidence or go behind my back. I cannot believe how lucky I've been to find you."
"Right…" she said and stopped before him.
"Sometimes…" Pippin said, half-musing. "Sometimes I feel like you are my reward, the reward for all the toil I saw earlier in my life."
"Alright" she said and put her hands around his waist. She leaned closer and kissed him. "You're forgiven."
"I really mean it" Pippin said, having completely forgotten that she was supposed to be mad at him. "You really are all those things to me. And I don't say it enough, I fear I don't appreciate it as much as I ought to. You deserve everything that's good in this world."
"You know something?" she asked. "You said to me once that your Journey was to save the world and all that's good in it. So haven't you given all that is good in this world to me already, before we even met?"
"That's not the same thing."
"Oh yes it is" Diamond said. "To me it is. And although you charm your way out of trouble far too easily not a day goes by that I'm not thankful I have you."
"I certainly drew the longer stick out of us two" Pippin said.
"No you didn't" Diamond said and kissed him again. "Don't talk of my husband that way, or I'll hurt you."
"I really meant what I said about Estella too" Pippin said and rubbed his nose against Diamond's. "Sometimes I wonder why I even loved her."
"Oh she's not that bad" Diamond said teasingly. "She was good enough for you to kiss a few years back…"
That broke the magic of the moment. Pippin sighed and broke from her embrace.
"Must we talk about that? Can't we ever just forget it?"
"I was only teasing…"
"You make one mistake and you hear about it forever!"
"Pippin, I was just teasing! Don't get mad!"
"You know something?" Pippin said. "The cows need to be fed. You do it."
She stared after him with a gaping mouth as he left for his study. She couldn't figure out what in the world had gotten into him all of a sudden. But she had to admit she found it slightly amusing that he had ordered her to do his chores just as she had ordered him to do hers earlier in the day. With a smile she headed out to the barn to feed the cows.
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Halfway through dinner the children began to notice that their parents hadn't spoken as much as a word to one another. Merry was staring at his meal and eating it mechanically, Estella was avoiding to look at him and her cheeks blushed with shame. The children shared looks with each other, wondering what was going on.
"So…" Cordy finally said. "It seems like summer is going to be hot this year. Can we go out on the boat whenever we don't have chores to do?"
No answer came. Cordy shared a look with the others.
"I would love going out on the boat" Aramac said after some hesitation. "Especially on the really hot summer days… It gets a little breezier out on the river, even if it isn't much."
Still nothing from the adults. Aramac raised an eyebrow and wondered what was really going on. He rose from the table and went to get some more food. Éowyn followed, and Aramac took the opportunity to whisper to her while they filled their plates.
"What is going on?" he asked her.
"I don't know" Éowyn said.
"Well you talk to Father, you'll get a reply from him."
"He looks angry, I don't want to" Éowyn complained.
"Please Éowyn, you're the oldest and you're his favourite!"
"Father doesn't have favorites."
"Just talk" Aramac said and went back to his seat. "Wonderful meal, Mam" he said as he sat down.
"You say 'thank you' when somebody compliments your cooking" Lúthien reminded her mother when Estella didn't answer.
Obediently Estella forced a smile and nodded slightly at Aramac.
"Can't I go out on the boat too this year?" Lucky asked.
"No!" Estella said with feeling. "You'll get sick."
"I knew there was something that would make you speak" Lucky dryly commented and sulked. He never got to go into the water, his mother worried too much over his health.
"Father…" Éowyn said gently as she sat down on her seat. "You're not eating much. Is everything alright?" No answer came. "Sir?"
"I'm not hungry" Merry said and rose from his chair.
When he left the room Estella threw down her napkin, moved her chair out and rose with a determined look on her face. Angrily she strode after Merry with not as much as a word to the surprised children, who shared a look once both parents had left the room. They were not used to seeing them fight, they usually tried not to fight in front of the children. Lúthien began to cry. Since her Fever she had been very sensitive. Éowyn went over to her and lifted her up in her arms, looking at her brothers with a worried frown.
"What was all that about?" Théo finally asked, putting words to what they were all wondering.
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Estella followed Merry into the nearest sitting room and closed the door hard behind her. He turned to face her and crossed his arms, quite displeased that she had followed him.
"I don't care how mad you are, did you have to do that in front of the children?" she angrily asked.
"You sure made it worse by following me!" Merry said.
"Let's talk this through and then be done with it" Estella said. "I looked at your papers, I am sorry. I swear I won't do it again."
"That is not good enough" Merry said. "Do you think this is all just going to blow over in an afternoon? Goodness Estella, do you not know what you have done? You have completely violated my trust! How can I ever trust you again?"
"I made a mistake."
"A mistake is something you do without thinking it through" Merry objected. "Sneaking into my study and going through my papers is not something you just do. You planned that."
"I had to know!" Estella cried. "I cannot live with this uncertainty any longer! It hurts me so to know that there is a part of you that I will never share!"
"What difference does it make?" Merry angrily asked. "That was before I got to know you! You've never known any other me than me on the other side of the Journey!"
"That Journey shaped who you are and what you believe in!" Estella said. "It is the single most important year of your life, I know that even though I know but nothing of what happened! It was more important than the year we wed or the years we had our children! You would not be you had it not been for that year, how can you not understand that I need to know what it was that happened and what turned you into you?"
"I have specifically told you time and again that I do not want you to know."
"Maybe that isn't your decision to make, we're living this life together. That year is driving a wedge between us!"
"Only because you're letting it!"
"No" Estella said. "Because it is so important to you and it's a part of you I'll never know and never share with you! It's like living with a stranger!"
"If you don't know me by now then you never will, no matter what you learn about that year" Merry said firmly.
"If I had an important, pivotal happening in my past, would you not want to know about it?" she asked.
"I would. But if you told me you didn't want to tell me I would not go behind your back to find it out! I respect you more than that!"
"But you don't respect me enough to let me share all of your life. Do you not know that you're still haunted by what happened during your Journey? You have nightmares almost every night but you can't remember them in the mornings! You wake me up with your screams and sobs! Why won't you let me in, let me see what it is you so desperately feel you need to hide? Those nightmares scare me, and I don't know what to do to help you through them! Why won't you share the burden with me?"
"You do not want to know what happened that year!" Merry said. "What good will come of us both having nightmares? One of the reasons I keep you in the dark is for your own protection. If you want to help me through my nightmares then you need to support me, not go behind my back! How am I ever to trust you again?"
"When have I ever gone behind your back in the past?"
"I don't know! And I suppose I never will! But I'll never know you won't do it again either!"
"I only did it because--"
"Who cares why you did it?" Merry asked. "You were wrong and if you think I'll forgive you just like that then you are sadly mistaken."
"Merry, I--"
"Now you need to answer me something! What did you read?"
"Why should I tell you when you will not tell me of your past?"
"If you do not tell me then how can you expect me to ever trust you again?"
"I didn't read anything special!" Estella said. "You were just out walking! Honest!"
"That had better be the full truth" Merry said. "Gosh, do you realise that I just don't trust you now? Trust is such a fragile thing and you will now have to build it up entirely from the start! How could you violate my trust like that?"
"I didn't mean for it to be this way!"
"No matter whether or not I found out you would still have broken my trust" Merry said. "A husband needs to be able to trust his wife! I don't know what I will do now that I no longer trust you, it just can't work that way!"
"What do you plan on doing then?" Estella asked. "I regret it bitterly darling, but I can't make it undone!"
"Don't darling me" Merry said. "I don't know what I will do. Stay away from me for a while, I need time to think! This is going to be a very long year Estella…"
"Why can't you just understand?" Estella said softly and sunk down in an armchair. "It's tearing me up inside that I will never get to know you fully, never get to share those experiences with you. Do you not know that when you love somebody you want to know all there is to know about them, and being kept in the dark about the biggest events in that person's life is a constant pain? What could possibly have been so horrid that you cannot tell me?"
"What is wrong with you Estella, even now you cannot let it go!" Merry said.
He walked up to her and placed his hands on the armrests of the chair, leaning over her with the most intense and angry look she had ever seen in his face. She recoiled, frightened by him in this moment.
"Do you want to know? Do you really want to know what gave me that scar you're always fingering? Do you really wish to hear about starvation, weariness, pain? Do you want to hear how I hurt my arm? Or perhaps what it's like to have the most rancid brew forced down your throat, being forced to run with whips licking your heels, or being paralyzed by the worst evil you could ever imagine?"
Estella stared at him, afraid of what he might do.
"Leave me be" she whispered.
"I didn't think so either" Merry scoffed and pulled back.
Not giving her as much as another glance he left the room. Estella shivered in her chair, tears falling down her face. She could barely remember what he had just said to her, she had been too frightened. She had never seen him like that before.
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That evening Éowyn knocked on the door to her parents' bedroom and went inside. Her mother was not there, her father was stretched out on the bed in his robe, reading a book. He looked up when she entered and put the book aside.
"You should be asleep" he remarked.
"Where is Mother?" Éowyn asked.
"She's sleeping in another bedroom this night" Merry said. "I'm not sure which. Is it urgent?"
"No…" Éowyn said and stepped inside, closing the door behind her. "I was just surprised not to find her here, that's all."
"What are you doing up?"
"I had trouble sleeping" Éowyn said and walked over to the bed, sitting down on her mother's side. She curled up her legs underneath her and pulled her robe tighter. "Why is Mother not sleeping here tonight? Is it because you had a fight?"
"Yes" Merry said. "It's complicated, apple cheeks."
"Is it anything serious?"
"Don't you worry" Merry said and put his book aside. "This, too, will pass."
"I'm just not used to it" Éowyn said. "I guess it scared me a little. What happened?"
"She did something that betrayed my trust" Merry said, unwilling to lie to his child. "I need to not be around her for a while."
"Why did she do that?"
"She was fed-up, I guess…" Merry said. "She hates being kept in the dark about my past. But it doesn't justify what she did."
"Right…" Éowyn said. "Now that you mention it, you never have told us much about your past, have you?"
"No" Merry said. "That I haven't."
"Funny I haven't realised it before…"
"You haven't?" Merry asked.
"It's never been something I've thought about" Éowyn said. "Lots of things happened before I was born, I don't know much of what Mother was up to before I came along either."
"Your mother pretty much stayed home and helped her parents" Merry said. "Things were quite different for me."
"You had adventures" Éowyn said with a smile. "And you met the Lady Éowyn!"
"Does it bother you not knowing what happened during my Journey?" Merry asked, curious as to whether or not Estella was the only one in the family.
"No" Éowyn said. "It doesn't make a difference to me. I'll love you just the same no matter what you did back then."
"It's a good thing I have you" Merry said with a smile. "Now you shouldn't be up at this hour, young lady! If you get all your chores done by afternoon tea I promise you I'll take some time off and go out riding with you and Aestas."
"Really?" Éowyn said, giving him her widest smile.
"Yes. I promise. Now run along to bed and get some sleep!"
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then jumped down on the floor and hurried off to her own bedroom. Merry watched her go and then picked up his book again. Talking to her had calmed him down a bit. At least the children didn't seem to be bothered by not knowing what had happened in his past.
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"Do we have to do this now?" Faramir complained. "Harvesting is almost finished, why bother with preparations for next year's sowing?"
"If you prepare the ground in fall it will be easier to plough and harrow in spring" Pippin told him and handed him a pickaxe. "Aerating the soil now will save us trouble in spring. Come now, one day you're going to be in charge of all this so you'd better learn how to do it."
"Don't whine so much" Diamond added. "Do as you're told!"
Faramir reluctantly took the pickaxe and studied it with little interest. For twenty years he had never done any harder chores around the farm, most of the time he had managed to convince his father to let him heard the sheep instead of help out in the fields. But now he couldn't escape any longer. He knew the Thain had to farm the lands around the Smials and that his ancestors had done so for centuries, but he wasn't particularly interested in it. He wanted to be young and free just for another twenty years or so before he began taking on heavier duties.
"Faramir, are you paying attention?" Pippin asked. "Now this is very easy, just do like this…"
Faramir half-heartedly imitated his father's actions and thought to himself that farming was really dull. But he knew better than to complain.
"There you go" Pippin said. "That wasn't so difficult, now was it? A year from now we'll be harvesting rye and oats from these fields too. No more wild grass growing here!"
"I like wild grass" Faramir objected.
"But it doesn't put food on your plate" Diamond pointed out.
"I wasn't very fond of farming either when I was younger" Pippin told him. "In fact I managed to avoid having to do much farm work until I came of age. But don't think you'll be as lucky, young lad. And if it makes you feel any better, now I love farming! It's in your blood whether you want it to be or not."
"Uncle Merry says it's dangerous to have things in your blood."
"Don't get smart with your father" Diamond exhorted.
Faramir kept in a sigh and continued hacking the ground with little enthusiasm. Pippin however refused to get put down by his son's pouty mood.
"I remember when you were very little" he said. "Mother would finish her indoor chores and then put you in a basket and take you with her outside. She'd sit down next to the fields where I worked and relax, the three of us sharing some time together. I wish we had a big basket we could put you in now."
"I'd rather not" Faramir said and raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly Pippin threw his pickaxe to the ground and ran past Faramir in a hurry. Faramir nearly dropped his own axe on his foot and saw the confused look in his mother's eyes before he turned around to see what was going on. His pickaxe fell to the ground just centimeters from his right foot and his jaw fell with it.
Coming towards the fields were two riders on a horse, one an Elf and the other a Dwarf. The Elf had a hand raised in greeting and Pippin was waving his arms so much that the horse staggered a bit. The Elf stopped the beast and Pippin reached them.
"What do my eyes behold?" Pippin cried to his old friends. "Friends of old, visiting the Shire? What brought on this joyous occasion and why did you not send word and alert me to your arrival? Did your journey go well?"
"If you could hold your inquisitive tongue for just one moment young Hobbit, I will inform you that we are here to congratulate you on your 60th birthday!" Gimli said. "The date we missed by nearly six months but the surprise visit could not be conducted at the time of your actual birthday because there were some problems at the Glittering Caves. Nothing to be alarmed about, everything is fine now."
Legolas extended a hand to Pippin, who took it and was lifted up on the horse. He threw his arms around Legolas and tried to hug Gimli at the same time but his arms were too short to reach around them both.
"Who cares about the dates?" Pippin asked. "This was the best surprise of all! And I don't even have any gifts for you!"
"Hobbit custom" Gimli explained to Legolas.
"How long will you be staying?" Pippin asked. "You must stay for the Harvest Feast, we're holding it in three days! Oh, and stay for my son's birthday! He will be twenty this year! It's only a few more weeks!"
"Gladly we shall stay" Legolas said. "I have never seen the Shire. It would much please me to explore these lands!"
"We can go hiking!" Pippin cried. "The three of us and Merry and Sam! Just like old times!"
While Pippin continued talking Legolas got the horse moving again and they approached Diamond and Faramir who stood where Pippin had left them. When they reached the fields Pippin paused his endless line of questions and suggestions and jumped down on the ground.
"This is my family!" he declared, as much to Diamond and Faramir as to Legolas and Gimli.
"Pippin!" Diamond said. "On a tall horse with not so much as a felt?"
"My wife Diamond" Pippin said to Legolas and Gimli. "She worries over all the things I do since I never have the sense to do so myself. Darling, this is Gimli son of Gloin and Legolas of Mirkwood. Or shall I say Legolas of Ithilien?"
Diamond bowed as Gimli got down on the ground, happy to be off the horse. He walked up to Faramir.
"And you young master" he said. "You must be Faramir. You couldn't be anyone else with that appearance."
Faramir bowed deeply and Gimli did the same. Legolas jumped off his horse and nodded his head to the Hobbits.
"Now I've seen a son of yours and a son of Merry's. Perhaps I can even see a son of Sam's before we leave."
"He has a few to choose from" Pippin said. "You'll get to meet one of them, or two or three. Now come on, we have to find a room for you at the Smials! Gimli won't be a problem but you're a bit tall, Legolas! You might have to stay at Brandy Hall!"
Pippin continued talking as he lead his friends inside. The horse was left unattended, Legolas knew he only had to whistle for the horse to return so it didn't matter if he wandered off. Faramir looked at his mother as the three friends hurried off.
"Does this mean I don't have to prepare the soil anymore?" he asked.
"It means you're doing your father's share as well" Diamond said. "Now hurry up Faramir, or you won't be done before dinner!"
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"I will only be a minute longer!" Pippin said and looked up from his papers. "Then I'm ready to leave the Smials behind and live the outdoor life for a week!"
Legolas sat down on the floor since that was more comfortable than standing crouched, and Gimli sat down in a chair. They were packed and ready to hike through the Shire for a week, Sam and Merry had both arrived and all they were waiting for was Pippin. He was busy finishing as much work as he could before they left, this was usually a high work season for the Thain, but he had decided that nothing was so important that it could not wait a week or be done by someone else. Still he wanted to finish as much as he could before he left.
"What are you doing anyway?" Gimli asked, not used to seeing Pippin working.
"The week after the Harvest Feast is when tax season begins" Pippin explained. "See, every family has to pay a certain amount in goods, and some in money. How much depends on how many they are in the family and how their income has been. If they got a little harvest they don't have to pay as much as if they got a large one. I collect all taxes in the Shire, except for the Marish and Buckland for they have had theirs collected by the Master for ages, since Buckland wasn't part of the Shire until a decade ago. I then distribute the taxes in whatever way I see fit. Money goes to repairing the Smials if needed, and to public buildings and things like that. Food, cloth, tools and those kind of taxes I give out as needed. Families who for example are running low on their food supplies during winter get a share of the tax food. It's not so complicated really, once you've figured it out."
"Sounds boring to me" Gimli said and yawned.
"It's a lot of work though" Pippin said. "I'm almost finished determining what family pays how much so that I can leave the collecting over to the shriffs. I normally do most of that myself but they'll have to do it now that I'll be gone for a week. Dimesy claims I work too hard anyway, she thinks it's good I make those lazy sluggards work for once. She says it's not natural for a Hobbit to work too much."
"You have used that excuse for as long as I've known you" Gimli said. "Seems like you've finally ignored listening to it yourself."
"Perhaps we should let you finish working in peace" Legolas said and glared at Gimli. "You will finish much faster that way."
"No, I'm done now!" Pippin said and put his pen down. "All I have to do is make sure the lieutenant of the shriffs gets this." He rose from his chair. "So Merry and Sam are here and ready to leave? Great, send them to the kitchen for extra supplies while I get this to the shriffs."
"Not much has changed" Legolas said with a smile. "Food still comes first."
"A Hobbit's got to do what a Hobbit's got to do" Pippin said. "And right now I need to eat! I haven't had a meal in two hours!"
"I had forgotten how often you ate…" Gimli sighed.
Pippin smiled at him and hurried off with his papers. Once they were off his hands he went outside and found the others waiting for him. Sam handed him his walking stick and Pippin lifted his backpack.
"My word!" he said. "What did you pack in this, it was not this heavy this morning!"
"You asked for extra food" Sam said.
"Why aren't you riding?" Faramir asked, coming from the stables.
"We didn't have ponies when we traveled before" Sam said. "Only Bill… And not all of us could ride Bill, even though I'm sure he would have tried to carry us all if we asked him to!"
"We travel better on foot" Legolas said. "Now shall we get going? I long to walk the paths through the forest that the Elves take when they head to the Grey Havens."
"You don't have seagulls here, do you?" Gimli asked the Hobbits with a worried look on his face.
"No" Pippin said. "We're not that close to the water. Now let's get a move on before I change my mind and decide to leave half this food behind! Such a disaster must be avoided at all cost."
Taking up a song he began wandering down the path leading to Hobbiton and the others followed. Faramir watched them go and wished he could go with them. He had begged his father for days to let him come along but he had gotten no for an answer each time. They wanted to be alone, not to have people with them. Watching them go Faramir tried to picture what it had looked like when all nine members of the Fellowship were traveling together. He tried to picture what Frodo Baggins had looked like, or Gandalf the Wizard. He remembered Aragorn vaguely, and when he pictured Boromir he saw Faramir instead. It must have been a really queer sight all those years ago, the motley group of nine traveling together. It was a queer sight now too, even though there were only five of them and four were of races who had been in the Shire for a long time.
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Eight days later the company left their last nightly camp and began walking toward Brandy Hall where they would spend the night. Sam longed for a nice, warm bed and Pippin could not stop talking about Estella's mushroom stew which they had been promised upon their return. Legolas didn't say much that wasn't about the nature they passed through and Gimli mostly seemed to long back to Hobbiton, where his father had been a frequent guest back when Gimli was a young dwarf of seventy or so.
"I think we can all sum it up by saying it will be nice to get a roof over our heads, even though it's lovely to be out hiking" Merry said as they got on the Bucklebury Ferry. "I for one long mostly for a nice pint of ale."
"We should have stopped by more inns than just the Green Dragon" Pippin said. "Now that you mention it Merry I would love a pint too!"
"Ale and mushroom stew?" Legolas said. "That sounds like an odd combination."
"On the contrary" Sam said. "Only the finest beverages go with mushrooms!"
"I have yet to taste the Shire wine!" Legolas said. "Perhaps I could have a bottle of such while the rest of you drink your ale?"
"I have some really fine wine in the Brandy Hall wine cellar!" Merry cried as they crossed the Brandywine. "I think I'll treat you to a bottle from my father's old vineyard! The last bottle he produced before the Shire was overrun in the year of the War, that sounds appropriate!"
"Can I have both wine and ale?" Pippin asked.
"Was this the ferry you crossed the river with when you went on the Journey?" Gimli asked to move the subject away from wine and food.
"Indeed it was" Merry said. "My friends thought I was a ringwraith that night."
"You were dark and cloaked!" Sam defended himself.
"And surely not even close to as tall as a wraith" Merry said.
"That night too we were heading for mushrooms and wine" Pippin said. "Not to mention a nice, hot bath! Do you think we can have that at Brandy Hall Merry?"
"Of course, you silly Took!" Merry said and leaped off the ferry on to the docking to tie it up. "I'll have Théo and Aramac draw us baths the moment we arrive."
"Great!" Pippin grinned and skipped up on land. "Your wife's mushroom stew deserves to be eaten while in a clean state!"
Merry nodded but didn't say anything. A few months had passed now since she had looked through his papers and things were still bad between them. Merry didn't trust her and she was mad at him for not having more faith in her. They were sleeping in the same bed at night but mostly with their backs turned to one another and never sharing as much as a kiss before they went to sleep. Merry had much enjoyed his week out in nature with his friends, away from Estella and the Hall. Now he didn't wish to go back home.
"Oh don't look so grumpy, Merry" Sam said as they began walking towards Brandy Hall. "You'll feel much better once you get some food!"
"I'm more tired than hungry" Merry said. "But most of all I long for that bath! Lúthien is not going to want to go near me, she likes things as clean as possible!"
"How was it that you named your daughter after an Elf?" Legolas asked.
"It was Estella's choice" Merry said, remembering better times. "It's always been her favourite story. I told it to her again the night Lúthie was born, I think that made her decide to give the baby that name."
"The names of Elves seem to be living on through the Hobbits as we pass to the West" Legolas said.
"I would have liked to name a son after you" Pippin said. "But I only ever had one. Perhaps a grandson of mine can be named Legolas…"
"Why not Gimli?" Gimli asked.
"I have to save something for Sam" Pippin grinned.
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That evening Legolas and Gimli got a taste of Estella's famous mushroom stew and the bottle of wine Merry had promised them. It was a pleasant meal, Diamond and Faramir had joined them from the Smials and all of Merry's children but the youngest were there. Legolas had been sad to hear that Lucky would not be joining them as he had come down with an ear inflammation a few days back.
After a while Merry had to tell his children to be quiet and give their guests some peace to eat. Unlike Faramir they hadn't spent any time with the Elf and the Dwarf before and they had a thousand questions to ask and a million things to tell. Pippin complained that Brandybucks were far too inquisitive to which Gimli had reminded Pippin that the Tooks were not much better.
Estella was overwhelmed by being in the presence of Merry's old friends. She felt like she had gotten a key to the past, she had read about Legolas and Gimli in Merry's diary and she knew their names from before. They were real people, sitting by her table and eating her food, people who knew all there was to know about her husband. She fought a constant inner battle throughout the first half of the meal, trying to ignore this opportunity to find out everything she wanted to know. She then decided to just go ahead and ask. It seemed like the most appropriate thing to do, if she asked them something in front of Merry then at least he wouldn't get mad that she had gone behind his back again.
"So Gimli and Legolas," she said, "I'm sure you have a hundred interesting stories concerning our husbands. I would much like to hear one!"
The look Merry gave her could have turned fire into ice. It made her realise at once that her question was not acceptable to him. She quickly rose, realising her mistake, and before Gimli could get more than a word out for reply she excused herself and said she had to go check on Lucky. Gimli watched her leave and then turned to Merry.
"I thought you were being secretive about your journey" he said.
"Why do you think she's asking you?" Merry replied and went back to eating though he had lost his appetite. He couldn't believe she had done that, she knew so well that he didn't want her to pry in his past.
"Gimli, is it true that your father was one of Bilbo Baggins' companions when he had his adventures?" Diamond asked, trying to steer the conversation into safer territory.
"Why yes Madam Took!" Gimli said and happily embarked on a story. "You see, my father, Gloin, was indeed a member of Thorin's company!"
Pippin rewarded Diamond with his most loving smile. He would have to tell her later how much he appreciated her saving the situation from becoming awkward and not prying in his past. He felt sorry for Merry whose marriage was anything but good at the moment, Pippin felt like his own was only getting better and better. Diamond really had all of his love and he trusted her completely. He was proud to show her off as his wife.
When Estella returned a while later she didn't say much and though she kept a happy face Pippin could see that she and Merry did not have a pleasant night ahead. She had crossed the line once more and Merry was furious even though he managed to hide it quite well. Estella probably knew she had made things worse again by asking her question and that the few things that had improved over summer were now bad again. Looking at his own wife, Pippin once again reminded himself to take her in his arms tonight and tell her how grateful he was to her.
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"Pippin, there you are!" Merry said.
Pippin looked up with a smile and then turned his eyes back to his rucksack. One of the leather straps had given way and he was mending it, which was finicky work. He wanted to get it done as soon as possible so that he could spend as much time as possible with Legolas and Gimli, the day after tomorrow was their last day in the Shire.
"Listen Pip, there's something I've got to tell you" Merry said and sat down in the chair opposite Pippin's.
"Can it wait a minute?" Pippin asked. "I'm almost done… Shame you don't have anyone here at the Hall who knows how to mend leather rucksacks! Doing it myself occupies valuable time!"
Merry nodded and waited for Pippin to finish. He looked out the window while he waited and saw what a beautiful day it was. The Shire was on its best behavior and inside was the last place anyone wanted to be. Legolas, who was staying at Brandy Hall now since there was a good room for him there, had been out since before the sun came up and Merry had spent most of the morning with him. Once he had spoken to Pippin he was going to follow the Elf on a ride through Buckland.
"There!" Pippin said and put the needle aside. "All done. What did you want to talk to me about?"
"I received a letter" Merry began, not knowing really what to say. "From Éomer King. He writes me a few times a year."
"Yes I know" Pippin said. "Has anything happened?"
"No, everything is as usual" Merry said. "Only… It felt like a sign."
"A sign of what?"
"I long to get away" Merry said. "You know what things are like with Estella and me… I was so glad to get some time away while we were out hiking and that letter was waiting for me when we got back, it feels like a sign that I should go to Rohan and get some time to think. I've been thinking about it for a while now, and just today I decided. I wanted to let you know first." Pippin didn't say anything so Merry continued. "The timing is great. Perfect. Harvest was plentiful this year, the children are all well, even Lucky's recovered from his ear inflammation, everything has settled that was stirred up last year! And Lúthien is doing a lot better! It's a good time for me to leave. I am going to talk to Legolas about it after lunch, I'm hoping to ride with him and Gimli. Pippin… I won't be asking you to come with me."
Pippin nodded slowly and swallowed. He understood. Merry needed to get away and he would be going to Rohan to serve Éomer. He wasn't going to see his friends, he was going to do his duty and distance himself from the Shire for a while. If Pippin was to go with him he would end up serving Aragorn or Faramir in Gondor anyway and he wouldn't see much of Merry. It was just as well that he stayed behind.
"Oh goodness…" he said. "I will miss you so much. We haven't been apart for a full year since… Since Elboron was born!"
"You'll get that space you need" Merry said. "And I will write you every day, I promise. It won't be like last time, this time around you've got Diamond and Faramir and the Smials!"
"If you need to go you should go" Pippin said, hating every word coming from his mouth. "Just so long as you're not running away."
"I need time apart from Estella" Merry said. "When I return sixteen months from now things will look different between us. Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
"Go" Pippin said and sighed deeply. "I will miss you so… I feel like I've only just gotten you back! But I trust that we will still be what we are today when you get back."
Merry nodded and reached over to Pippin to hug him tightly. Both of them were fighting back tears. They had not been apart for a long time.
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Pippin came home to the Great Smials after having seen Legolas, Gimli and Merry off and looked around. Already the halls seemed empty, even though Merry hadn't been there for a while his departure from the Shire still made Pippin's home emptier. Sixteen months would he be gone. Pippin had to take one day at a time. Sixteen months was far too long to tackle all at once.
Diamond appeared in another doorway, having heard him enter. She walked up to him and put her hands on his shoulders.
"So he's gone now?" she asked.
"Yes" Pippin said. "And it hurts… This year will be so lonely."
"You miss him already."
"So much I could scream. But that's a good thing, right? It means we're really back to how we're supposed to be."
Diamond pulled him close for a hug.
"You will be fine, Peregrin" she said. "A year is not such a long time… Life goes on without Merry. We will prove it together."
Pippin hugged her back and thanked her for her support. She was going to be his rock and comfort this upcoming year. He was going to try his best not to bring her down, though he knew he had a very difficult year ahead of him. As long as he took it one day at a time he might at least be able to keep his head together. He was going to focus completely on his family and on the Smials, and he planned on spending as much time as he could squeeze in with Merry's children. The year ahead of him was dark and cold but this time he planned on accepting the torches of light people close to him had to offer.
He was lonelier than he had been for a few years now, but he knew that feeling too would go away. With Merry's return he would be fine again. Until then he was going to once again prove that Pippin could stand alone without Merry.
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Next chapter will be slightly different! I've never written a chapter for this story before where Merry and Pippin have been on so separate locations. We'll see how that goes. Please review this chapter, I'm eager to hear your opinions! Continuing on the morals theme a bit I guess… =)
Disclaimer: Same old, same old =)
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"Da!"
Lúthien's cries woke Merry in the middle of the night. He sat up in bed, rubbed his eyes and shared a look with Estella.
"Is she having another nightmare?" Estella asked and got out of bed.
"I think so" Merry said and grabbed his robe.
Together they hurried to the old nursery across the hall where Lúthien had slept ever since she had survived the Fever. She felt safer there and it was easier for them to get to her soon when she woke up in the middle of the night with bad dreams. She often dreamed nightmares and had in many ways seemed to go back in the ages. She was acting much like when she had been five or six even though she was eleven by now. She had even gone back to calling Merry and Estella Da and Ma, something neither of the children had done past their third birthday except for on very secluded occasions. While her oldest siblings called their parents Sir and Mam, she still used the names she'd used as a little child.
Merry kneeled down by her bedside and took her hand. Estella stood behind him and held up a candle to give them light.
"It's okay" Merry said. "We're here. Did you dream something bad?"
"No" Lúthien said. "I can't sleep."
"Why not dear?" Estella asked.
"There are ringwraiths in my room!"
"Ringwraiths?" Estella echoed.
"Darling…" Merry said gently. "What's a ringwraith?"
"They are wraiths!" Lúthien said. "They are black and wear black robes and are very scary! They want to hurt me!"
"Where did you hear that name?"
"From you" Lúthien said. "In your sleep."
"Did I say in my sleep that there are black wraiths who want to hurt you?" Merry asked, wondering what on earth he had said more in his sleep.
"No" Lúthien said. "But I told Uncle Fatty about it and he told me what the Black Riders were and what they looked like!"
Merry kept in a moan. That fool Fatty. He knew very well he was not supposed to talk to the children about things concerning the journey, especially things that could scare them. He smiled at Lúthien and pretended like the Black Riders were all make believe.
"Darling…" he said. "There are no Black Riders. Ringwraiths don't exist."
"Excuse me" Estella said and put the candle down on the nightstand. "I'll go get you something to drink Lúthie."
She hurried out into the hallway and headed straight to Fatty's room. On her way she grabbed another candle and when she entered her brother's room she briskly shook him awake and pulled the covers off him.
"Fatty! Wake up you sluggard!"
"What?" Fatty moaned and opened his eyes.
"You lazy, no-good Hobbit, wake up!"
"I am really unappreciated around here" Fatty commented and glared at his sister. "What is going on Estella?"
"I need you to tell me something, something important!"
"Can't it wait till the morning?" Fatty asked and sat up, rubbing his eyes. "Can I have my covers back?"
"No, it can't wait" Estella said and sat down next to him with his covers thrown on the floor. "I need to know all about ringwraiths!"
"Now? Estella, you don't talk about Black Riders in the dead of night!"
"You have to!"
Fatty looked at her and sighed. It was easier to just give in.
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"So you promise there are no ringwraiths?" Lúthien said.
"Yes" Merry said. "Word of honor."
"But what if there are and you just don't know about it?"
"If so then I will vanquish them with my sword if they dare go near you."
"What's vanquish?"
"It means I'll defeat them and they will leave the world forever."
"Promise?"
"I promise" Merry said and kissed her forehead. "Do you want me to leave the light with you so that nobody will be able to hide in the shadows?"
"That's a good idea!"
"Okay" Merry said and gave her a kiss goodnight. "Goodnight love."
"Goodnight Da!"
Merry left her to go to sleep and walked out in the hallway, wondering what had happened to Estella. He yawned big and decided to go back to bed without waiting for her. He was exhausted. It had been a long time since he had gotten to sleep through a night.
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The next day Estella opened the door to Merry's study slightly and peered in. He was not there, as she had predicted. Hopefully he wouldn't be back for a while. She snuck inside and closed the door carefully behind her.
She walked on her tiptoes over to Merry's desk. It was surprisingly clean, he never kept any papers on it unless he was going to work on them that same day. As carefully as she could she drew out a desk drawer and looked through it. She found nothing of interest and looked through the next. After a few drawers she found what she had been looking for. Merry's notes to the Red Book. He used to work on them every March, hiding himself in his study and refusing to talk to anyone for hours. She knew what the Red Book was about, and she knew she would find answers in his notes. Now she would know.
She sat down by his desk and began looking through the eldest dated notes. They were dated to 1420, the year of the Scouring. To Estella's disappointment they were filled with notes from that event and didn't hold much information on what had happened earlier in the year. She found some notes on how Sharkey was the former White Wizard but wizards were boring and not something that interested her.
She found notes dated to 1422 but again nothing of particular interest. Lots of notes on how different people were doing at the time but nothing of the War. She would not give up that easily. There had to be a lot of things in these notes that concerned the War. She needed to know what had happened and if Merry didn't want to tell her she would have to find out this way. This way he wouldn't have to know she knew, for she knew very well that he didn't want her to know. He said it was important to him to know that she was not haunted by things that had happened to him in the past. But she needed to know.
Finally she found something of interest. Notes from a diary Merry had kept on and off during the travels with the Fellowship. She saw that they were dated to early January 1420 and nervously began to read. This was a great clue to what had really happened.
She didn't hear the door open and she didn't notice the stream of light that fell into the room. But when Merry spoke after a few seconds she heard him.
"What are you doing?" he asked firmly.
She gasped and looked up, shocked at seeing him. He was not supposed to be back yet! She tried to hide the papers she had been looking at but realised at once that it was no use. He had already seen, and the papers were too many.
"I… I just…" she stuttered. "You're back early!"
Merry stepped inside the room and closed the door behind him. He walked up to the desk and gathered the papers while Estella rose and backed away. She could tell he was mad.
"I'm sorry" she managed to say.
Merry looked up at her with ice in his eyes.
"Going through my desk? My personal papers?"
"I…"
"Many of the papers I have here are confidential, private!" he said, sounding calm but Estella knew he was furious on the inside. "Concerning other people! You have no right looking through my papers and my drawers!"
"I was only--"
"But you weren't looking at other people's files. You were looking through my diaries, were you not?" Merry asked and held up the diary she had been reading. "In what lifeless ice land did you think it was okay for you to look through these papers? Have I not said to you time and again, the War and the Journey are memories best kept to those who lived them? You know that very well! You deliberately disobeyed me!"
"I'm sorry! I--"
"Leave" Merry said. "I do not care what you have to say, for no excuses are good enough. There is nothing that can justify what you have done. You have violated my privacy, and is this only the first time?"
"Yes!" Estella said. "Love I swear to you, I have never done this before!"
"Why should I believe it?" Merry asked. "Why should I trust you now? Going behind my back like this, disobeying my direct wish! Snooping in my private life! Rummaging through my desk! Wakening memories more painful than you know!"
"But I was only--"
"Leave!" Merry commanded. "Find yourself somewhere else to sleep tonight, for in my bed you are not welcome. I do not wish to see you right now, is that clear? How could you violate my trust like this?"
Estella opened her mouth to say something in her defense but closed it again. She was frightened by his reaction. He had not raised his voice even for a single syllable but there was more anger behind his words than she had ever heard in him before. She had never thought he'd find out what she did this day but he had caught her red handed. Now there was nowhere to hide.
She hurried out of the room, leaving Merry alone with his papers. He quickly sorted through them and wondered how much she had read. Luckily he didn't keep any papers of any of the greater events in his desk, those papers were safely locked away. From now on he would have to lock his office at all times. He hated that. He wondered how many times before Estella had snuck in here and read through his personal papers. He wondered how she would be able to regain the trust she had just shattered.
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Pippin looked up from his stool when he heard someone come and grinned at Merry. He was just finishing milking the second last cow and didn't mind a brief interruption. Merry leaned against a beam and frowned, crossing his arms.
"What are you doing milking cows?" he asked.
"Diamond's mad at me" Pippin explained. "She makes me do her chores when she's mad at me."
"Why is she mad?"
"Oh, nothing serious. Just you're average fall-out. Happens every now and then, and I always end up having to milk cows and fold the laundry."
"Maybe that's an idea" Merry sighed. "Perhaps I should have Estella do my chores and let her shovel some manure or have sick people be sick on her."
"Why, what are you mad at her for?" Pippin asked and rose from his stool with the milk-filled bucket. He grabbed the stool in his other hand and left the booth with Merry in tow.
"Not just your average fall-out I'm afraid" Merry sighed.
"Well what then?" Pippin asked and put the full bucket up on a shelf while grabbing an empty one to milk the last cow. Merry hesitated for a moment while Pippin placed his stool by the last cow and sat down.
"I caught her looking through my notes and diaries from the Journey" he finally said.
"What?" Pippin said slowly, shocked by the news.
"She thought I was out for a while so she went to my study and went through my papers. I couldn't believe my eyes when I caught her!"
"No" Pippin said, unable to believe it.
"How could she do that, Pip?" Merry asked. "I've never asked much of her, but to respect my privacy should be a given! I would never look through her diaries or personal notes! No matter what, looking through those papers is not okay."
"What did she find out Merry?" Pippin asked.
"I don't know, I didn't ask. I don't think it's the first time she's read my papers, Pip."
Pippin shook his head in disbelief and mechanically began milking the cow. He couldn't believe it. He hoped she hadn't gotten very far, he and Merry had made a decision long ago to keep their past to themselves and by now it had gotten to the point where Pippin didn't want anybody to find out. He didn't want to be treated in the Shire the same way he was treated in Minas Tirith, as if he was some mythological character who had come to life. He wanted to be the Pippin they knew him as, not the Pippin who was held captive by orcs and served insane stewards. His past was something he wished to keep in Gondor and with the Fellowship.
"What are you going to do?" he asked after some silence.
"I don't know what I can do" Merry sighed. "How can I trust her after this? Would you be able to trust Diamond?"
"Not as far as I could throw her if she went through my things behind my back!" Pippin said. "Goodness… I would have expected that from Fatty perhaps, but not Estella."
"It drives me crazy thinking about it" Merry said. "I don't know what to do. I locked the door to my office when I left, I guess I'll have to from now on. Locking doors in my own private halls! Who has ever heard of such a thing?"
"But the past must be protected" Pippin said. "Lock it, I say! Keep it locked always. And you ask that wife of yours what she knows!"
"I just cannot believe her!" Merry said. "She broke my trust, Pip! I've never distrusted her before, now I feel I cannot trust her at all! Who knows what else she's done behind my back?"
"Is there anything I can do?" Pippin asked.
"You can pray she found out nothing" Merry said. "How anyone can break their own spouse's trust I do not see! Husband and wife have to be able to trust each other completely, it just doesn't work otherwise. Now I don't trust her at all."
"I'm really glad I'm not her right now" Pippin said and finished milking the last cow. "Did she give you any reason why she did it?"
"No, and I did not ask. It doesn't matter what she has for a reason, whatever the matter was she should have come to me and not gone behind my back."
"Does she ask a lot about the Journey?"
"Yes" Merry said. "Well, every now and then… I have told her a thousand times, I do not wish to talk about it. What happened when I was younger is none of her concern, she did not know me well then. Will it change anything for the better if she was to know?"
"Probably not" Pippin said. "After all… how could anyone understand? How could anyone who hasn't been there see and know why we did what we did? There's no way. So what good is it that they know? They'll only judge us, either that or they'll hold us up high and think of us as greater heroes than we ever were. Nobody will think the same of us afterward, that's for sure. I don't want that, I like things the way they are."
"So do I" Merry said. "I don't want her looking at me knowing where the scar on my brow came from. I don't want her to know why my arm hurts in March. If I wanted her to know I would have told her a long time ago."
Pippin sighed and rose from his stool.
"So what now? What are you going to say to her when you see her?"
"I'm not sure" Merry said. "What would you say?"
"Probably something that would make me end up milking cows everyday for a month" Pippin said and grabbed the bucket.
"Estella has no right being mad" Merry said and followed Pippin to get the other buckets. "I will not let her talk me over on this one."
"The Smials is open for you if you need some time away" Pippin said and handed Merry two full buckets.
"Thank you" Merry said. "But it is not I who should be running off. I told her not to come to our bedroom tonight, to find a bed somewhere else. I don't want to be near her right now, I most definitely don't want to sleep next to someone I do not trust."
"I don't think she's realised what she's done" Pippin said and walked with Merry in tow to the dairy room. "Those Bolgers never think! Careful, you know your children are half Bolger!"
"The children know to think things through before they act" Merry said. "Though lord knows Cody and Lúthie forget it half the time. But things will not be very pleasant at Brandy Hall for a while now. It will take time for this to blow over."
"I just can't believe it…" Pippin said and shook his head in disbelief. "That she would do such a thing!"
"I know" Merry said. "I cannot believe it either."
He took a deep breath and clenched his fists. He had never felt so betrayed in his life, never in his wildest dreams would he have imagined that she would do such a thing. No matter how much she wanted to know something he would have thought she would come to him first. But he had been wrong.
"If she's found out something big…" Pippin said "I will have to tell Diamond."
"Let us hope she hasn't put you in that position" Merry said. "I can only hope she realises what she has done. And pray that she will never do it again."
"For all our sakes I hope she won't" Pippin said.
Merry nodded. He truly hoped that if she had found something out she had kept it to herself. He knew how lasses would gossip when they had their sowing circles. If she said anything to anyone all the Shire would know it before long.
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When Merry returned to Brandy Hall Pippin went inside the Smials and found Diamond sowing a shirt for Faramir in their sitting room. Looking at her he completely forgot that they had been fighting earlier, all he could think of was how lucky he was to have her. She had never done anything but help him and support him, even when he had not been there for her. And she had always respected his desire to keep his past a secret.
She looked up and saw him, with a slight frown on her face.
"So there you are. Milking the cows takes all day, does it?"
"Have I ever told you how lucky I am to have you?" Pippin asked.
"What?"
"I really don't say it often enough… You are the best thing that's ever happened to me. I'm glad Merry stole Estella away, good riddance!"
"Are you feeling all right?" Diamond asked.
"I don't know" Pippin said. "But Dimesy… Honestly… I am so very lucky to have you. And to know that I can trust you, with anything at all!"
"Of course you can trust me" Diamond said and put the shirt aside. "Why wouldn't you be able to trust me?"
"Sometimes you can't trust those you've believed in" Pippin said. "I just… want to thank you. For being you. And for always being there for me. I love you so much Diamond, I hope I tell you that enough!"
"Almost every night" she remarked.
"I hope I say it when we're out of bed as well. Do you know how fine you are to me?"
Diamond shook her head with a slight smile and rose from her chair. She put her sowing gear down and walked up to him slowly.
"You're the gemstone of my life. You make every morning good, every day happy and every night pleasant."
"And what else?" she asked.
"You're just you, that's all" Pippin said. "I trust you with my life. I know you will never break my confidence or go behind my back. I cannot believe how lucky I've been to find you."
"Right…" she said and stopped before him.
"Sometimes…" Pippin said, half-musing. "Sometimes I feel like you are my reward, the reward for all the toil I saw earlier in my life."
"Alright" she said and put her hands around his waist. She leaned closer and kissed him. "You're forgiven."
"I really mean it" Pippin said, having completely forgotten that she was supposed to be mad at him. "You really are all those things to me. And I don't say it enough, I fear I don't appreciate it as much as I ought to. You deserve everything that's good in this world."
"You know something?" she asked. "You said to me once that your Journey was to save the world and all that's good in it. So haven't you given all that is good in this world to me already, before we even met?"
"That's not the same thing."
"Oh yes it is" Diamond said. "To me it is. And although you charm your way out of trouble far too easily not a day goes by that I'm not thankful I have you."
"I certainly drew the longer stick out of us two" Pippin said.
"No you didn't" Diamond said and kissed him again. "Don't talk of my husband that way, or I'll hurt you."
"I really meant what I said about Estella too" Pippin said and rubbed his nose against Diamond's. "Sometimes I wonder why I even loved her."
"Oh she's not that bad" Diamond said teasingly. "She was good enough for you to kiss a few years back…"
That broke the magic of the moment. Pippin sighed and broke from her embrace.
"Must we talk about that? Can't we ever just forget it?"
"I was only teasing…"
"You make one mistake and you hear about it forever!"
"Pippin, I was just teasing! Don't get mad!"
"You know something?" Pippin said. "The cows need to be fed. You do it."
She stared after him with a gaping mouth as he left for his study. She couldn't figure out what in the world had gotten into him all of a sudden. But she had to admit she found it slightly amusing that he had ordered her to do his chores just as she had ordered him to do hers earlier in the day. With a smile she headed out to the barn to feed the cows.
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Halfway through dinner the children began to notice that their parents hadn't spoken as much as a word to one another. Merry was staring at his meal and eating it mechanically, Estella was avoiding to look at him and her cheeks blushed with shame. The children shared looks with each other, wondering what was going on.
"So…" Cordy finally said. "It seems like summer is going to be hot this year. Can we go out on the boat whenever we don't have chores to do?"
No answer came. Cordy shared a look with the others.
"I would love going out on the boat" Aramac said after some hesitation. "Especially on the really hot summer days… It gets a little breezier out on the river, even if it isn't much."
Still nothing from the adults. Aramac raised an eyebrow and wondered what was really going on. He rose from the table and went to get some more food. Éowyn followed, and Aramac took the opportunity to whisper to her while they filled their plates.
"What is going on?" he asked her.
"I don't know" Éowyn said.
"Well you talk to Father, you'll get a reply from him."
"He looks angry, I don't want to" Éowyn complained.
"Please Éowyn, you're the oldest and you're his favourite!"
"Father doesn't have favorites."
"Just talk" Aramac said and went back to his seat. "Wonderful meal, Mam" he said as he sat down.
"You say 'thank you' when somebody compliments your cooking" Lúthien reminded her mother when Estella didn't answer.
Obediently Estella forced a smile and nodded slightly at Aramac.
"Can't I go out on the boat too this year?" Lucky asked.
"No!" Estella said with feeling. "You'll get sick."
"I knew there was something that would make you speak" Lucky dryly commented and sulked. He never got to go into the water, his mother worried too much over his health.
"Father…" Éowyn said gently as she sat down on her seat. "You're not eating much. Is everything alright?" No answer came. "Sir?"
"I'm not hungry" Merry said and rose from his chair.
When he left the room Estella threw down her napkin, moved her chair out and rose with a determined look on her face. Angrily she strode after Merry with not as much as a word to the surprised children, who shared a look once both parents had left the room. They were not used to seeing them fight, they usually tried not to fight in front of the children. Lúthien began to cry. Since her Fever she had been very sensitive. Éowyn went over to her and lifted her up in her arms, looking at her brothers with a worried frown.
"What was all that about?" Théo finally asked, putting words to what they were all wondering.
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Estella followed Merry into the nearest sitting room and closed the door hard behind her. He turned to face her and crossed his arms, quite displeased that she had followed him.
"I don't care how mad you are, did you have to do that in front of the children?" she angrily asked.
"You sure made it worse by following me!" Merry said.
"Let's talk this through and then be done with it" Estella said. "I looked at your papers, I am sorry. I swear I won't do it again."
"That is not good enough" Merry said. "Do you think this is all just going to blow over in an afternoon? Goodness Estella, do you not know what you have done? You have completely violated my trust! How can I ever trust you again?"
"I made a mistake."
"A mistake is something you do without thinking it through" Merry objected. "Sneaking into my study and going through my papers is not something you just do. You planned that."
"I had to know!" Estella cried. "I cannot live with this uncertainty any longer! It hurts me so to know that there is a part of you that I will never share!"
"What difference does it make?" Merry angrily asked. "That was before I got to know you! You've never known any other me than me on the other side of the Journey!"
"That Journey shaped who you are and what you believe in!" Estella said. "It is the single most important year of your life, I know that even though I know but nothing of what happened! It was more important than the year we wed or the years we had our children! You would not be you had it not been for that year, how can you not understand that I need to know what it was that happened and what turned you into you?"
"I have specifically told you time and again that I do not want you to know."
"Maybe that isn't your decision to make, we're living this life together. That year is driving a wedge between us!"
"Only because you're letting it!"
"No" Estella said. "Because it is so important to you and it's a part of you I'll never know and never share with you! It's like living with a stranger!"
"If you don't know me by now then you never will, no matter what you learn about that year" Merry said firmly.
"If I had an important, pivotal happening in my past, would you not want to know about it?" she asked.
"I would. But if you told me you didn't want to tell me I would not go behind your back to find it out! I respect you more than that!"
"But you don't respect me enough to let me share all of your life. Do you not know that you're still haunted by what happened during your Journey? You have nightmares almost every night but you can't remember them in the mornings! You wake me up with your screams and sobs! Why won't you let me in, let me see what it is you so desperately feel you need to hide? Those nightmares scare me, and I don't know what to do to help you through them! Why won't you share the burden with me?"
"You do not want to know what happened that year!" Merry said. "What good will come of us both having nightmares? One of the reasons I keep you in the dark is for your own protection. If you want to help me through my nightmares then you need to support me, not go behind my back! How am I ever to trust you again?"
"When have I ever gone behind your back in the past?"
"I don't know! And I suppose I never will! But I'll never know you won't do it again either!"
"I only did it because--"
"Who cares why you did it?" Merry asked. "You were wrong and if you think I'll forgive you just like that then you are sadly mistaken."
"Merry, I--"
"Now you need to answer me something! What did you read?"
"Why should I tell you when you will not tell me of your past?"
"If you do not tell me then how can you expect me to ever trust you again?"
"I didn't read anything special!" Estella said. "You were just out walking! Honest!"
"That had better be the full truth" Merry said. "Gosh, do you realise that I just don't trust you now? Trust is such a fragile thing and you will now have to build it up entirely from the start! How could you violate my trust like that?"
"I didn't mean for it to be this way!"
"No matter whether or not I found out you would still have broken my trust" Merry said. "A husband needs to be able to trust his wife! I don't know what I will do now that I no longer trust you, it just can't work that way!"
"What do you plan on doing then?" Estella asked. "I regret it bitterly darling, but I can't make it undone!"
"Don't darling me" Merry said. "I don't know what I will do. Stay away from me for a while, I need time to think! This is going to be a very long year Estella…"
"Why can't you just understand?" Estella said softly and sunk down in an armchair. "It's tearing me up inside that I will never get to know you fully, never get to share those experiences with you. Do you not know that when you love somebody you want to know all there is to know about them, and being kept in the dark about the biggest events in that person's life is a constant pain? What could possibly have been so horrid that you cannot tell me?"
"What is wrong with you Estella, even now you cannot let it go!" Merry said.
He walked up to her and placed his hands on the armrests of the chair, leaning over her with the most intense and angry look she had ever seen in his face. She recoiled, frightened by him in this moment.
"Do you want to know? Do you really want to know what gave me that scar you're always fingering? Do you really wish to hear about starvation, weariness, pain? Do you want to hear how I hurt my arm? Or perhaps what it's like to have the most rancid brew forced down your throat, being forced to run with whips licking your heels, or being paralyzed by the worst evil you could ever imagine?"
Estella stared at him, afraid of what he might do.
"Leave me be" she whispered.
"I didn't think so either" Merry scoffed and pulled back.
Not giving her as much as another glance he left the room. Estella shivered in her chair, tears falling down her face. She could barely remember what he had just said to her, she had been too frightened. She had never seen him like that before.
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That evening Éowyn knocked on the door to her parents' bedroom and went inside. Her mother was not there, her father was stretched out on the bed in his robe, reading a book. He looked up when she entered and put the book aside.
"You should be asleep" he remarked.
"Where is Mother?" Éowyn asked.
"She's sleeping in another bedroom this night" Merry said. "I'm not sure which. Is it urgent?"
"No…" Éowyn said and stepped inside, closing the door behind her. "I was just surprised not to find her here, that's all."
"What are you doing up?"
"I had trouble sleeping" Éowyn said and walked over to the bed, sitting down on her mother's side. She curled up her legs underneath her and pulled her robe tighter. "Why is Mother not sleeping here tonight? Is it because you had a fight?"
"Yes" Merry said. "It's complicated, apple cheeks."
"Is it anything serious?"
"Don't you worry" Merry said and put his book aside. "This, too, will pass."
"I'm just not used to it" Éowyn said. "I guess it scared me a little. What happened?"
"She did something that betrayed my trust" Merry said, unwilling to lie to his child. "I need to not be around her for a while."
"Why did she do that?"
"She was fed-up, I guess…" Merry said. "She hates being kept in the dark about my past. But it doesn't justify what she did."
"Right…" Éowyn said. "Now that you mention it, you never have told us much about your past, have you?"
"No" Merry said. "That I haven't."
"Funny I haven't realised it before…"
"You haven't?" Merry asked.
"It's never been something I've thought about" Éowyn said. "Lots of things happened before I was born, I don't know much of what Mother was up to before I came along either."
"Your mother pretty much stayed home and helped her parents" Merry said. "Things were quite different for me."
"You had adventures" Éowyn said with a smile. "And you met the Lady Éowyn!"
"Does it bother you not knowing what happened during my Journey?" Merry asked, curious as to whether or not Estella was the only one in the family.
"No" Éowyn said. "It doesn't make a difference to me. I'll love you just the same no matter what you did back then."
"It's a good thing I have you" Merry said with a smile. "Now you shouldn't be up at this hour, young lady! If you get all your chores done by afternoon tea I promise you I'll take some time off and go out riding with you and Aestas."
"Really?" Éowyn said, giving him her widest smile.
"Yes. I promise. Now run along to bed and get some sleep!"
She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek, then jumped down on the floor and hurried off to her own bedroom. Merry watched her go and then picked up his book again. Talking to her had calmed him down a bit. At least the children didn't seem to be bothered by not knowing what had happened in his past.
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"Do we have to do this now?" Faramir complained. "Harvesting is almost finished, why bother with preparations for next year's sowing?"
"If you prepare the ground in fall it will be easier to plough and harrow in spring" Pippin told him and handed him a pickaxe. "Aerating the soil now will save us trouble in spring. Come now, one day you're going to be in charge of all this so you'd better learn how to do it."
"Don't whine so much" Diamond added. "Do as you're told!"
Faramir reluctantly took the pickaxe and studied it with little interest. For twenty years he had never done any harder chores around the farm, most of the time he had managed to convince his father to let him heard the sheep instead of help out in the fields. But now he couldn't escape any longer. He knew the Thain had to farm the lands around the Smials and that his ancestors had done so for centuries, but he wasn't particularly interested in it. He wanted to be young and free just for another twenty years or so before he began taking on heavier duties.
"Faramir, are you paying attention?" Pippin asked. "Now this is very easy, just do like this…"
Faramir half-heartedly imitated his father's actions and thought to himself that farming was really dull. But he knew better than to complain.
"There you go" Pippin said. "That wasn't so difficult, now was it? A year from now we'll be harvesting rye and oats from these fields too. No more wild grass growing here!"
"I like wild grass" Faramir objected.
"But it doesn't put food on your plate" Diamond pointed out.
"I wasn't very fond of farming either when I was younger" Pippin told him. "In fact I managed to avoid having to do much farm work until I came of age. But don't think you'll be as lucky, young lad. And if it makes you feel any better, now I love farming! It's in your blood whether you want it to be or not."
"Uncle Merry says it's dangerous to have things in your blood."
"Don't get smart with your father" Diamond exhorted.
Faramir kept in a sigh and continued hacking the ground with little enthusiasm. Pippin however refused to get put down by his son's pouty mood.
"I remember when you were very little" he said. "Mother would finish her indoor chores and then put you in a basket and take you with her outside. She'd sit down next to the fields where I worked and relax, the three of us sharing some time together. I wish we had a big basket we could put you in now."
"I'd rather not" Faramir said and raised an eyebrow.
Suddenly Pippin threw his pickaxe to the ground and ran past Faramir in a hurry. Faramir nearly dropped his own axe on his foot and saw the confused look in his mother's eyes before he turned around to see what was going on. His pickaxe fell to the ground just centimeters from his right foot and his jaw fell with it.
Coming towards the fields were two riders on a horse, one an Elf and the other a Dwarf. The Elf had a hand raised in greeting and Pippin was waving his arms so much that the horse staggered a bit. The Elf stopped the beast and Pippin reached them.
"What do my eyes behold?" Pippin cried to his old friends. "Friends of old, visiting the Shire? What brought on this joyous occasion and why did you not send word and alert me to your arrival? Did your journey go well?"
"If you could hold your inquisitive tongue for just one moment young Hobbit, I will inform you that we are here to congratulate you on your 60th birthday!" Gimli said. "The date we missed by nearly six months but the surprise visit could not be conducted at the time of your actual birthday because there were some problems at the Glittering Caves. Nothing to be alarmed about, everything is fine now."
Legolas extended a hand to Pippin, who took it and was lifted up on the horse. He threw his arms around Legolas and tried to hug Gimli at the same time but his arms were too short to reach around them both.
"Who cares about the dates?" Pippin asked. "This was the best surprise of all! And I don't even have any gifts for you!"
"Hobbit custom" Gimli explained to Legolas.
"How long will you be staying?" Pippin asked. "You must stay for the Harvest Feast, we're holding it in three days! Oh, and stay for my son's birthday! He will be twenty this year! It's only a few more weeks!"
"Gladly we shall stay" Legolas said. "I have never seen the Shire. It would much please me to explore these lands!"
"We can go hiking!" Pippin cried. "The three of us and Merry and Sam! Just like old times!"
While Pippin continued talking Legolas got the horse moving again and they approached Diamond and Faramir who stood where Pippin had left them. When they reached the fields Pippin paused his endless line of questions and suggestions and jumped down on the ground.
"This is my family!" he declared, as much to Diamond and Faramir as to Legolas and Gimli.
"Pippin!" Diamond said. "On a tall horse with not so much as a felt?"
"My wife Diamond" Pippin said to Legolas and Gimli. "She worries over all the things I do since I never have the sense to do so myself. Darling, this is Gimli son of Gloin and Legolas of Mirkwood. Or shall I say Legolas of Ithilien?"
Diamond bowed as Gimli got down on the ground, happy to be off the horse. He walked up to Faramir.
"And you young master" he said. "You must be Faramir. You couldn't be anyone else with that appearance."
Faramir bowed deeply and Gimli did the same. Legolas jumped off his horse and nodded his head to the Hobbits.
"Now I've seen a son of yours and a son of Merry's. Perhaps I can even see a son of Sam's before we leave."
"He has a few to choose from" Pippin said. "You'll get to meet one of them, or two or three. Now come on, we have to find a room for you at the Smials! Gimli won't be a problem but you're a bit tall, Legolas! You might have to stay at Brandy Hall!"
Pippin continued talking as he lead his friends inside. The horse was left unattended, Legolas knew he only had to whistle for the horse to return so it didn't matter if he wandered off. Faramir looked at his mother as the three friends hurried off.
"Does this mean I don't have to prepare the soil anymore?" he asked.
"It means you're doing your father's share as well" Diamond said. "Now hurry up Faramir, or you won't be done before dinner!"
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"I will only be a minute longer!" Pippin said and looked up from his papers. "Then I'm ready to leave the Smials behind and live the outdoor life for a week!"
Legolas sat down on the floor since that was more comfortable than standing crouched, and Gimli sat down in a chair. They were packed and ready to hike through the Shire for a week, Sam and Merry had both arrived and all they were waiting for was Pippin. He was busy finishing as much work as he could before they left, this was usually a high work season for the Thain, but he had decided that nothing was so important that it could not wait a week or be done by someone else. Still he wanted to finish as much as he could before he left.
"What are you doing anyway?" Gimli asked, not used to seeing Pippin working.
"The week after the Harvest Feast is when tax season begins" Pippin explained. "See, every family has to pay a certain amount in goods, and some in money. How much depends on how many they are in the family and how their income has been. If they got a little harvest they don't have to pay as much as if they got a large one. I collect all taxes in the Shire, except for the Marish and Buckland for they have had theirs collected by the Master for ages, since Buckland wasn't part of the Shire until a decade ago. I then distribute the taxes in whatever way I see fit. Money goes to repairing the Smials if needed, and to public buildings and things like that. Food, cloth, tools and those kind of taxes I give out as needed. Families who for example are running low on their food supplies during winter get a share of the tax food. It's not so complicated really, once you've figured it out."
"Sounds boring to me" Gimli said and yawned.
"It's a lot of work though" Pippin said. "I'm almost finished determining what family pays how much so that I can leave the collecting over to the shriffs. I normally do most of that myself but they'll have to do it now that I'll be gone for a week. Dimesy claims I work too hard anyway, she thinks it's good I make those lazy sluggards work for once. She says it's not natural for a Hobbit to work too much."
"You have used that excuse for as long as I've known you" Gimli said. "Seems like you've finally ignored listening to it yourself."
"Perhaps we should let you finish working in peace" Legolas said and glared at Gimli. "You will finish much faster that way."
"No, I'm done now!" Pippin said and put his pen down. "All I have to do is make sure the lieutenant of the shriffs gets this." He rose from his chair. "So Merry and Sam are here and ready to leave? Great, send them to the kitchen for extra supplies while I get this to the shriffs."
"Not much has changed" Legolas said with a smile. "Food still comes first."
"A Hobbit's got to do what a Hobbit's got to do" Pippin said. "And right now I need to eat! I haven't had a meal in two hours!"
"I had forgotten how often you ate…" Gimli sighed.
Pippin smiled at him and hurried off with his papers. Once they were off his hands he went outside and found the others waiting for him. Sam handed him his walking stick and Pippin lifted his backpack.
"My word!" he said. "What did you pack in this, it was not this heavy this morning!"
"You asked for extra food" Sam said.
"Why aren't you riding?" Faramir asked, coming from the stables.
"We didn't have ponies when we traveled before" Sam said. "Only Bill… And not all of us could ride Bill, even though I'm sure he would have tried to carry us all if we asked him to!"
"We travel better on foot" Legolas said. "Now shall we get going? I long to walk the paths through the forest that the Elves take when they head to the Grey Havens."
"You don't have seagulls here, do you?" Gimli asked the Hobbits with a worried look on his face.
"No" Pippin said. "We're not that close to the water. Now let's get a move on before I change my mind and decide to leave half this food behind! Such a disaster must be avoided at all cost."
Taking up a song he began wandering down the path leading to Hobbiton and the others followed. Faramir watched them go and wished he could go with them. He had begged his father for days to let him come along but he had gotten no for an answer each time. They wanted to be alone, not to have people with them. Watching them go Faramir tried to picture what it had looked like when all nine members of the Fellowship were traveling together. He tried to picture what Frodo Baggins had looked like, or Gandalf the Wizard. He remembered Aragorn vaguely, and when he pictured Boromir he saw Faramir instead. It must have been a really queer sight all those years ago, the motley group of nine traveling together. It was a queer sight now too, even though there were only five of them and four were of races who had been in the Shire for a long time.
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Eight days later the company left their last nightly camp and began walking toward Brandy Hall where they would spend the night. Sam longed for a nice, warm bed and Pippin could not stop talking about Estella's mushroom stew which they had been promised upon their return. Legolas didn't say much that wasn't about the nature they passed through and Gimli mostly seemed to long back to Hobbiton, where his father had been a frequent guest back when Gimli was a young dwarf of seventy or so.
"I think we can all sum it up by saying it will be nice to get a roof over our heads, even though it's lovely to be out hiking" Merry said as they got on the Bucklebury Ferry. "I for one long mostly for a nice pint of ale."
"We should have stopped by more inns than just the Green Dragon" Pippin said. "Now that you mention it Merry I would love a pint too!"
"Ale and mushroom stew?" Legolas said. "That sounds like an odd combination."
"On the contrary" Sam said. "Only the finest beverages go with mushrooms!"
"I have yet to taste the Shire wine!" Legolas said. "Perhaps I could have a bottle of such while the rest of you drink your ale?"
"I have some really fine wine in the Brandy Hall wine cellar!" Merry cried as they crossed the Brandywine. "I think I'll treat you to a bottle from my father's old vineyard! The last bottle he produced before the Shire was overrun in the year of the War, that sounds appropriate!"
"Can I have both wine and ale?" Pippin asked.
"Was this the ferry you crossed the river with when you went on the Journey?" Gimli asked to move the subject away from wine and food.
"Indeed it was" Merry said. "My friends thought I was a ringwraith that night."
"You were dark and cloaked!" Sam defended himself.
"And surely not even close to as tall as a wraith" Merry said.
"That night too we were heading for mushrooms and wine" Pippin said. "Not to mention a nice, hot bath! Do you think we can have that at Brandy Hall Merry?"
"Of course, you silly Took!" Merry said and leaped off the ferry on to the docking to tie it up. "I'll have Théo and Aramac draw us baths the moment we arrive."
"Great!" Pippin grinned and skipped up on land. "Your wife's mushroom stew deserves to be eaten while in a clean state!"
Merry nodded but didn't say anything. A few months had passed now since she had looked through his papers and things were still bad between them. Merry didn't trust her and she was mad at him for not having more faith in her. They were sleeping in the same bed at night but mostly with their backs turned to one another and never sharing as much as a kiss before they went to sleep. Merry had much enjoyed his week out in nature with his friends, away from Estella and the Hall. Now he didn't wish to go back home.
"Oh don't look so grumpy, Merry" Sam said as they began walking towards Brandy Hall. "You'll feel much better once you get some food!"
"I'm more tired than hungry" Merry said. "But most of all I long for that bath! Lúthien is not going to want to go near me, she likes things as clean as possible!"
"How was it that you named your daughter after an Elf?" Legolas asked.
"It was Estella's choice" Merry said, remembering better times. "It's always been her favourite story. I told it to her again the night Lúthie was born, I think that made her decide to give the baby that name."
"The names of Elves seem to be living on through the Hobbits as we pass to the West" Legolas said.
"I would have liked to name a son after you" Pippin said. "But I only ever had one. Perhaps a grandson of mine can be named Legolas…"
"Why not Gimli?" Gimli asked.
"I have to save something for Sam" Pippin grinned.
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That evening Legolas and Gimli got a taste of Estella's famous mushroom stew and the bottle of wine Merry had promised them. It was a pleasant meal, Diamond and Faramir had joined them from the Smials and all of Merry's children but the youngest were there. Legolas had been sad to hear that Lucky would not be joining them as he had come down with an ear inflammation a few days back.
After a while Merry had to tell his children to be quiet and give their guests some peace to eat. Unlike Faramir they hadn't spent any time with the Elf and the Dwarf before and they had a thousand questions to ask and a million things to tell. Pippin complained that Brandybucks were far too inquisitive to which Gimli had reminded Pippin that the Tooks were not much better.
Estella was overwhelmed by being in the presence of Merry's old friends. She felt like she had gotten a key to the past, she had read about Legolas and Gimli in Merry's diary and she knew their names from before. They were real people, sitting by her table and eating her food, people who knew all there was to know about her husband. She fought a constant inner battle throughout the first half of the meal, trying to ignore this opportunity to find out everything she wanted to know. She then decided to just go ahead and ask. It seemed like the most appropriate thing to do, if she asked them something in front of Merry then at least he wouldn't get mad that she had gone behind his back again.
"So Gimli and Legolas," she said, "I'm sure you have a hundred interesting stories concerning our husbands. I would much like to hear one!"
The look Merry gave her could have turned fire into ice. It made her realise at once that her question was not acceptable to him. She quickly rose, realising her mistake, and before Gimli could get more than a word out for reply she excused herself and said she had to go check on Lucky. Gimli watched her leave and then turned to Merry.
"I thought you were being secretive about your journey" he said.
"Why do you think she's asking you?" Merry replied and went back to eating though he had lost his appetite. He couldn't believe she had done that, she knew so well that he didn't want her to pry in his past.
"Gimli, is it true that your father was one of Bilbo Baggins' companions when he had his adventures?" Diamond asked, trying to steer the conversation into safer territory.
"Why yes Madam Took!" Gimli said and happily embarked on a story. "You see, my father, Gloin, was indeed a member of Thorin's company!"
Pippin rewarded Diamond with his most loving smile. He would have to tell her later how much he appreciated her saving the situation from becoming awkward and not prying in his past. He felt sorry for Merry whose marriage was anything but good at the moment, Pippin felt like his own was only getting better and better. Diamond really had all of his love and he trusted her completely. He was proud to show her off as his wife.
When Estella returned a while later she didn't say much and though she kept a happy face Pippin could see that she and Merry did not have a pleasant night ahead. She had crossed the line once more and Merry was furious even though he managed to hide it quite well. Estella probably knew she had made things worse again by asking her question and that the few things that had improved over summer were now bad again. Looking at his own wife, Pippin once again reminded himself to take her in his arms tonight and tell her how grateful he was to her.
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"Pippin, there you are!" Merry said.
Pippin looked up with a smile and then turned his eyes back to his rucksack. One of the leather straps had given way and he was mending it, which was finicky work. He wanted to get it done as soon as possible so that he could spend as much time as possible with Legolas and Gimli, the day after tomorrow was their last day in the Shire.
"Listen Pip, there's something I've got to tell you" Merry said and sat down in the chair opposite Pippin's.
"Can it wait a minute?" Pippin asked. "I'm almost done… Shame you don't have anyone here at the Hall who knows how to mend leather rucksacks! Doing it myself occupies valuable time!"
Merry nodded and waited for Pippin to finish. He looked out the window while he waited and saw what a beautiful day it was. The Shire was on its best behavior and inside was the last place anyone wanted to be. Legolas, who was staying at Brandy Hall now since there was a good room for him there, had been out since before the sun came up and Merry had spent most of the morning with him. Once he had spoken to Pippin he was going to follow the Elf on a ride through Buckland.
"There!" Pippin said and put the needle aside. "All done. What did you want to talk to me about?"
"I received a letter" Merry began, not knowing really what to say. "From Éomer King. He writes me a few times a year."
"Yes I know" Pippin said. "Has anything happened?"
"No, everything is as usual" Merry said. "Only… It felt like a sign."
"A sign of what?"
"I long to get away" Merry said. "You know what things are like with Estella and me… I was so glad to get some time away while we were out hiking and that letter was waiting for me when we got back, it feels like a sign that I should go to Rohan and get some time to think. I've been thinking about it for a while now, and just today I decided. I wanted to let you know first." Pippin didn't say anything so Merry continued. "The timing is great. Perfect. Harvest was plentiful this year, the children are all well, even Lucky's recovered from his ear inflammation, everything has settled that was stirred up last year! And Lúthien is doing a lot better! It's a good time for me to leave. I am going to talk to Legolas about it after lunch, I'm hoping to ride with him and Gimli. Pippin… I won't be asking you to come with me."
Pippin nodded slowly and swallowed. He understood. Merry needed to get away and he would be going to Rohan to serve Éomer. He wasn't going to see his friends, he was going to do his duty and distance himself from the Shire for a while. If Pippin was to go with him he would end up serving Aragorn or Faramir in Gondor anyway and he wouldn't see much of Merry. It was just as well that he stayed behind.
"Oh goodness…" he said. "I will miss you so much. We haven't been apart for a full year since… Since Elboron was born!"
"You'll get that space you need" Merry said. "And I will write you every day, I promise. It won't be like last time, this time around you've got Diamond and Faramir and the Smials!"
"If you need to go you should go" Pippin said, hating every word coming from his mouth. "Just so long as you're not running away."
"I need time apart from Estella" Merry said. "When I return sixteen months from now things will look different between us. Distance makes the heart grow fonder."
"Go" Pippin said and sighed deeply. "I will miss you so… I feel like I've only just gotten you back! But I trust that we will still be what we are today when you get back."
Merry nodded and reached over to Pippin to hug him tightly. Both of them were fighting back tears. They had not been apart for a long time.
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Pippin came home to the Great Smials after having seen Legolas, Gimli and Merry off and looked around. Already the halls seemed empty, even though Merry hadn't been there for a while his departure from the Shire still made Pippin's home emptier. Sixteen months would he be gone. Pippin had to take one day at a time. Sixteen months was far too long to tackle all at once.
Diamond appeared in another doorway, having heard him enter. She walked up to him and put her hands on his shoulders.
"So he's gone now?" she asked.
"Yes" Pippin said. "And it hurts… This year will be so lonely."
"You miss him already."
"So much I could scream. But that's a good thing, right? It means we're really back to how we're supposed to be."
Diamond pulled him close for a hug.
"You will be fine, Peregrin" she said. "A year is not such a long time… Life goes on without Merry. We will prove it together."
Pippin hugged her back and thanked her for her support. She was going to be his rock and comfort this upcoming year. He was going to try his best not to bring her down, though he knew he had a very difficult year ahead of him. As long as he took it one day at a time he might at least be able to keep his head together. He was going to focus completely on his family and on the Smials, and he planned on spending as much time as he could squeeze in with Merry's children. The year ahead of him was dark and cold but this time he planned on accepting the torches of light people close to him had to offer.
He was lonelier than he had been for a few years now, but he knew that feeling too would go away. With Merry's return he would be fine again. Until then he was going to once again prove that Pippin could stand alone without Merry.
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Next chapter will be slightly different! I've never written a chapter for this story before where Merry and Pippin have been on so separate locations. We'll see how that goes. Please review this chapter, I'm eager to hear your opinions! Continuing on the morals theme a bit I guess… =)