Disclaimer: Same as before =) And please note that I know nothing about medicine, so please disregard any errors in that department.
"Wait until morning" came the soft answer.
"It is morning" Pippin mumbled and realised he was finally going crazy. Not only did he hear Merry's voice when he was all alone and speaking to him, now he heard him instead of someone else while he was tired too.
He opened his eyes and yawned and frowned slightly. How come Diamond was lying in front of him, not behind him? Then he realised that Diamond was on her side of the bed, the arm around him came from the other side. What on earth was Faramir doing in his parents' bed, and at this time of night?
He lifted himself up slightly and turned around to ask his son what on earth was going on, but his annoyed question died on his lips when he saw that it was not Faramir who had gotten into the bed. It was Merry.
"Now I'm seeing things too" he moaned.
"You don't sound happy to see me" Merry said with a smirk.
"Is it really you?" Pippin whispered and squinted to see better. But even though the room was very dark he knew those features anywhere. He flung his arms around Merry as much as he could while they were both in the bed and hugged him tight.
"You're back?" he whispered. "You're back, for real? You're really here?"
"It's wonderful to see you again Pip" Merry said and hugged him back.
"What are you doing here? Why aren't you at Brandy Hall? Don't get me wrong, you're welcome to sleep here anytime you'd like, but--"
Merry shushed him gently and nodded towards Diamond.
"Right" Pippin whispered. "We don't want to wake her up. She'd probably get scared to see a big stranger in our bed. Though you're not a stranger! You're back and I cannot believe it!"
"Me neither" Merry said. "It's been such a lonely journey. I've missed you so, sometimes I've even talked to you while I was sitting alone by the fire at night. Does that sound crazy?"
"It sounds perfectly healthy to me" Pippin grinned and hugged him again.
"It's good to hear your voice again" Merry said. "Nearly a year and a half… That is just far too long!"
"Come" Pippin said and climbed out of bed. "I'm starved, and eager to hear all about what you've been up to! What do you say we find ourselves some leftovers and feast?"
"Only for a little while then" Merry said and got out of bed as well. "I'm awfully tired. No more than two servings!"
"Alright" Pippin said.
"So you never saw much of Éowyn?" Pippin asked, in secret quite happy to hear it, and took a huge bite from his sandwich.
"She's Éomer's sister, she came to Rohan every once in a while" Merry said. "Sometimes she was with Faramir in Gondor when I came to the White City. She and I rode to Fangorn one of my last weeks off, but I didn't see Treebeard."
"How was Aragorn? And Legolas? And Gimli?"
"Aragorn was fine, he always is. Kept nagging about my back, as if I didn't have better things to do than worry about it bugging me."
"Has your back been a problem?"
"Well you know, the long ride and the hard work… Plus missing my family. It took its toll, but it wasn't as bad as it was before. Though Aragorn told Éomer not to make me work so hard, after which I was put on lighter duties for a week before I told Éomer I was fine and didn't want special treatment."
"You'd better not have worked too hard" Pippin said. "You need to take care of yourself, cousin dearest."
Merry waved his hand dismissingly and began to slowly work on his soup.
"Legolas is fine" he said. "I only saw him once, when I was in Ithilien. He asked me a thousand questions or so about Lucky. Seems Lucky charmed our Elf friend quite good when he was with him in Rivendell."
"Takes after his father, he does" Pippin said. "But I believe that it's that you're both part Took. Tooks are more charming than Brandybucks."
"You wish!" Merry objected. "Gimli was fine as well. You should see the Glittering Caves Pip, you wouldn't recognize them!"
"Merry I've never been down to the Glittering Caves at all."
"Well they're a lot different from what they used to look like. It's amazing though, he hasn't really changed anything that was, only built around it. Like the Elves built in Rivendell. You have to see it sometime, it's wonderful."
"Yes, even Legolas seems to like it" Pippin said.
"Well, as much as an Elf could…"
They ate in silence for a moment, Merry slowly working on his soup and Pippin seeming to try and set a record in how many sandwiches one could eat in thirty minutes. Merry yawned big and Pippin smiled.
"Sorry if I'm keeping you up… I just want to talk to you. That, and I'm awfully hungry!"
"When are you not?" Merry smiled. "I'm alright. I won't fall asleep. Tell me how you've been!"
"Lonely" was the first word that came to mind. Pippin then mulled at it for a moment. "Yes, mostly lonely. But seventeen months is a long time, I've been both this and that during these months. Good times and bad times… Sometimes I wasn't lonely."
"I'm glad to hear you've gotten by okay" Merry said. "And I guess I'm glad you weren't always lonely."
"I couldn't be, I had to live" Pippin said. "Don't get me wrong, you were always missing with me… But I didn't always think about it."
"I know what you mean" Merry said. "Thinking about it doesn't make it better, so why put yourself through it? How have Diamond and Faramir been?"
"Just fine" Pippin said. "Faramir is in love with farming, as I told you in my letters. And I'm sure I mentioned the discussion I had with him this fall. As far as I know he's behaved since then. Not that I begrudge him having a fling or such, but I don't want him to end up taking advantage of lasses without even knowing it."
"Faramir's a good lad, Pip" Merry said. "A few mistakes is something he's allowed to make. I'm quite relieved he hasn't made half as many as you had when you were his age."
"Thank you" Pippin said acidly.
"What about my litter, have they all behaved?" Merry asked. He sighed deeply. "Pip, I have missed them so much! It was so much easier to be abroad when you didn't have children to love and worry about."
"Everything was easier when you didn't have children to love and worry about" Pippin said. "But yours are fine. Nobody's married or engaged, nobody's gotten hurt or into too much trouble and Lucky's managed to stay healthy. Though he, Lúthien and Cordy do nothing but quarrel and whenever they can they take a shot at Aramac. They give me a headache after thirty minutes, poor Estella must be going crazy! And speaking of her…" He raised an eyebrow at Merry. "She is the reason why you're here tonight, is she not?"
"I…" Merry said and tried to find the right words to describe what he was feeling. "I just couldn't go there to her the first night. I'm too exhausted to begin fighting or to have a ton of guilt dropped over me… I don't know what it will be like to see her! What if I'm still furious with her? I don't want to get into bed next to her and be furious, before I've even told her 'hello'! I need to rest so I came here to you."
"And I'm keeping you up!" Pippin said and flew to his feet. "Meriadoc, you must learn to tell me you're tired and not just let me munch away like this!"
"No, sit, I didn't mean it like that!" Merry said and urged Pippin to sit back down. "This is rest for me too…"
"Sure?" Pippin asked.
"Positive. Now sit down and have another sandwich."
Pippin smiled and sat back down.
"Don't mind if I do. But only if you're sure."
"I am. Having you near me is rest for my soul. And I don't have to be attentive husband, devoted father or responsible Master. I can be just me, tired, weary, smelly and probably quite sullen, and it doesn't matter."
"About the smell…" Pippin said. "Perhaps a bucket of water over your head would do you good? Dimesy might complain…"
"I can sleep in a guestroom" Merry said.
"No you're sleeping with us. I want to be near you."
"Okay then" Merry smiled.
"But about Estella, what are you going to do?"
"I'm not sure" Merry sighed. "I don't want to fight anymore… But I can't help that I don't trust her. Though during my time away I've been wondering if maybe I'm part to blame for what happened too…"
"How would you be to blame?"
"You've often said that you feel like you're not a good husband to Diamond because you're too wrapped up in what goes on with you and I. I think I'm not a very good husband either, but in my case it's because I'm keeping her in the dark."
"I haven't told Diamond more than a few things, I don't see why that is an issue" Pippin said and shrugged his shoulders.
"But for Diamond it's not a problem, for Estella it is. I stand by my decision not to tell her, but I don't think I've handled it the right way. All these years I've only told her to mind her own business and that she doesn't really want to know. I've never really explained to her why it's so important to me that she doesn't know. I've told her I don't want her to be scared or haunted by the happenings in my past but she deserves a better reason than that."
"Go home tomorrow and tell her that" Pippin said. "I promise you, all she wants from you right now is to hear that you're not angry with her. She's been quite miserable during your absence, she can't let go of what happened."
"I'll have to tell her I'm sorry" Merry said. "But that has to wait until morning. Right now I just want to be here and spend some time with you. It's been far too long since we've gotten up in the middle of the night for a meal!"
"It has" Pippin agreed.
"I think this is just what I've been longing for" Merry said. "Just you and I, catching up on old times. It's great to be together with someone I can tell absolutely everything to, frankly nobody else understands my mind the way you do."
"It's good to see that nothing's changed" Pippin said and reached for Merry's hand across the table. "Everything's still the same. Nothing's different."
"A lot of things are different" Merry said.
"I meant with you and I" Pippin said. "I'm your best friend still, am I not?"
"That's the silliest question I've ever heard, of course you are!"
Pippin smiled and took a bite from another sandwich. Merry eyed him for a minute with a suspicious look on his face.
"Pip… Did you actually think something would have changed while I was gone?"
Pippin paused in the middle of a bite and looked at Merry. His cousin seemed almost amused but more than that he seemed concerned. Pippin swallowed and put his sandwich down.
"Well I didn't know for sure that… I mean, after what happened before I… Merry I just couldn't let myself believe that things would be perfect when you returned, because if they weren't it would hurt too much."
"But Pip…" Merry said gently. "Why would anything change?"
"It did once before."
"Everything has been fine for over five years now!"
"Everything was fine for over fifty years before that. And I lost you. There's no guarantee that it won't happen again. We are not as strong as we believe ourselves to be, that's what I learned from our separation."
"I must say it surprises me" Merry said. "Though we always have been very different you and I, like two halves of one personality. See, what I learned from that incident is something entirely different."
"So what did you learn?" Pippin asked. "That even if we do cancel our friendship once more we'll find our way back home in the end?"
"No" Merry said and shook his head. "I learned that there is no separating us. There is no way to cancel our friendship. Even when we weren't speaking our friendship was alive, albeit deeply buried somewhere. Even though both of us did what we could do kill it, it bounced back. We're still friends today because there's no denying that we're part of the same One and cannot do without each other. I don't think anything will ever come between us again. Even if we turn our backs at each other for a while something still makes us turn around and make up again."
"Merry I hope you're right" Pippin said. "Your conclusion is a lot nicer than mine. You don't know how many nights I've laid sleepless, wondering whether or not you and I will be close when you return."
"Fool of a Took" Merry smiled. "When you for once think of things ahead you trouble your mind with things that are very unlikely to happen. Did you really think you would get rid of me that easily?"
"You spent a lot of time with Éowyn while you were gone" Pippin said. "Don't be mad, but I do feel like there's rivalry between us."
"There isn't."
"I know she doesn't like me."
"She's never tried to stand in the way of us being friends" Merry said. "She encourages me to keep my close bond with you for she understands what it means to me. She wouldn't try to separate you and I."
"I can't be as sure of that as you are."
"Pip, if I thought she was trying to make you and I fall out with each other, or in any way try to keep us from being friends, do you really think I'd cherish her friendship as much as I do? I wouldn't let her come between us."
"You once did" Pippin said.
"Can we please not go down that road?" Merry asked, getting annoyed.
"You're right. I'm sorry. It's just that I've been so scared of losing you and now that I know I haven't I still can't let go of that fear completely. I keep waiting for you to turn into a puff of smoke and vanish, or for me to wake up in bed and find this is just a dream. I've longed for this moment for so long, I can't understand that it's here and I am with you again. I'm scared that I'll close my eyes and you'll be gone."
"I'm right here" Merry said softly. "And I'm not going anywhere but to bed. I can't keep my eyes open a minute longer."
Pippin nodded and quickly cleared the table. He and Merry made their way back to the master bedroom and found Diamond still sound asleep. They both crawled under the covers and Merry put his arm around Pippin once more.
"So you can feel that I'm still here" he whispered.
"Don't leave me anytime soon" Pippin whispered back, feeling how tired he was.
"You can see me whenever you want, I won't be further away than Brandy Hall."
Pippin nodded and closed his eyes to go to sleep. He felt at peace, nothing was troubling him anymore.
"Hey…" he heard Merry whisper.
"Mmmhh?"
"I love you, you know."
"I love you too" Pippin said. "Even though that Took side in you takes you out on the road and away from me."
"The Brandybuck side of me will keep me at home for a long time now" Merry answered.
Pippin nodded. They didn't say anything else. There were still a lot of things to tell and to talk about, but right now wasn't the time. At the moment they were content just being near one another.
She looked up when someone entered and nearly dropped her yarn on the floor when she saw that it was Merry. She stared at him unable to get as much as a word out, she had not expected him home just yet, his last letter had indicated that he wouldn't be back in time for Lúthien's birthday, which was three days away now. But here he was, standing in front of her in his travelling clothes and with his cape on, looking surprisingly clean. She had to blink a few times to make sure she wasn't seeing things.
They looked at each other for a few seconds without saying anything. Estella felt a chill run down her spine, she had been more scared of this moment than she had known. She was terrified that he would barely acknowledge her or still be furious with her. They had been apart for so long it felt like she had lost all sense of how he would react in this situation.
Then he walked up to her and kneeled in front of her, taking her hands in his. She looked at him with wide eyes, unsure of what this meant. But his eyes were soft and welcoming, not cold and angry as she had feared.
"Hullo" he said.
"Hi…" Estella managed to say.
"It's been so long…" Merry said and shook his head. "I have something very important to say to you."
Estella took a deep breath and braced herself. Whatever it was he had to say she was sure she didn't want to hear it.
"I want to tell you that I'm sorry" Merry said. "I haven't been fair to you. I want to apologise to you. I've been a poor excuse for a husband and you deserve better. I want to make things okay again. I was wondering if… I want to ask you if you would let me come back to you. If you will let me be your husband again."
Estella stared at him for a minute, confused to hear what he was saying. Out of all the things in the world this was probably the last she had expected from him. Her silence made Merry unsure and she could see how he was beginning to shift his gaze to avoid her eyes.
"I'm sorry" she finally managed to say. "Of course I want you back, I've been worrying that you wouldn't want me! After what I did… I'm so sorry!"
She flung her arms around him and hugged him tight, Éowyn's shawl falling to the floor in the process. But what did she care? She kissed Merry hard on the lips and he held her close. It was wonderful to be together again.
They both found themselves under the covers before long, only half dressed and more occupied with each other than anything else. Merry pulled the covers down and began tracing kisses down Estella's neck and chest. Estella ran her hands through his curls and sighed contentedly. She had never dared to hope that things would be this wonderful the very eve of his return.
"I'm so glad you've forgiven me" she said.
"So am I" Merry said. "Fighting is such an awful waste of time and we've been doing it for nearly two years now. That's no way to live."
"I like this better" Estella said and smiled at him as he let his hand slide under her nightgown. "Much better."
"So do I" Merry said and continued to kiss her. He placed kiss after kiss and spoke between kisses. "It's… been far… too long…"
"Far too long indeed."
"Let's… not… fight… anymore… The things that were… are now… water under the bridge… I've come to realise… that just… because… I don't… trust you… that doesn't… mean… we can't… continue with… our lives as… married…"
That broke the magic. Estella felt all her mood was gone. If only he hadn't said that last part. He still didn't trust her. She grabbed his head and pushed it away. He looked up at her, slightly confused.
"Something wrong?"
"You still don't trust me?"
"You were expecting me to?" He shook his head. "Darling it's going to take longer than this. But I'm not angry with you. There's no reason why we can't keep living the way we did before. Trust will come with time."
"You think this is all on your terms?" Estella asked. "That you can just come back to my bed whenever lust gets to you? That's not how it works, Merry Brandybuck! If you couldn't share my bed a year and a half ago because you didn't trust me, how come you can share my bed now when you still don't have any trust?"
"I couldn't share your bed because I was mad at you."
"You made such a huge deal out of me breaking your trust" Estella said and covered herself up. "I don't want you touching me like that if you don't trust me. Don't come back to my bed until you do."
"I hope you realise that could be a long while" Merry said, frustrated with her sudden change of mood.
"You can't both have the cake and eat it" Estella said. "If you won't give me your trust I won't give you my body."
Merry closed the bedroom door behind him. He was fully dressed again and with his rucksack in one hand. After a long and frustrating argument with Estella he had decided to leave for the Smials. Estella and he were getting nowhere and he knew he would get no rest lying next to her tonight. She couldn't accept that he didn't trust her and he couldn't make himself do so. At the time being they were locked, neither knowing how to change the situation.
He turned and took a few steps down the hall before he noticed Cordy and Lúthien standing there, both apparently just gotten out of bed. Lúthien had her dolly in a firm grip, even though she would be thirteen in a few days she hadn't given up the dollies yet. She was still a few years younger than her age, she had never been able to fully catch up after the Fever. Now she looked at him with sad eyes, eyes that seemed to have given up. Cordy's eyes were not much different. He was right behind her, having his hands protectively on her shoulders.
Once again Merry was stricken with how old they were. Each time he returned after time in the Southeast he was surprised by how grown his children were, always somehow expecting them to be little children the lot of them. But he had no little children anymore. Lúthien, the youngest, was thirteen and even though her mind was no more than ten she was clearly beginning to slowly turn into an adult.
Cordy was fifteen and going from child to adolescent. He was in those years where you weren't a child but you weren't an adult either but with each passing day the child he had been gave way to the adult he would become. He took after his mother a lot, Merry could barely find anything in him which reminded him of himself. The accusing eyes Cordy looked at him with now were the exact same that Estella had looked at him with just minutes ago. Merry couldn't face those eyes and looked at Lúthien instead. Lúthien was as much like Merry as Cordy was like Estella and her eyes were easier to meet.
"What are you doing out of bed?" he finally asked, just to say something.
"You're leaving again, aren't you?" Lúthien said in a sad voice, looking at the rucksack flung over Merry's shoulder. It was an accusation, whether she meant for it to be or not.
"Just for a little while" Merry said. "I won't be far away. I'm going to Uncle Pippin's, I haven't seen him in so long we have so much to talk about."
Cordy knew it wasn't true, or at least not the whole truth, and he knew as well as Merry did that Merry knew that his son saw through the lie. But Cordy didn't ask the questions he wanted to ask because he knew he would only upset his little sister. But looking at his father he felt he didn't know him anymore. Well over a year had passed since he had left and now upon his return he fought with their mother and snuck off in the middle of the night, telling lies as he went. He felt like his father was a stranger, he could not remember ever feeling this distant from him in the past.
"Cheer up, kitten" Merry said gently to Lúthien. "You need to get back to bed, you'll feel better once you've slept off your fever."
"I want you to be home" Lúthien said, sounding about to cry. "I don't want you to leave us again!"
"Sweetheart," Merry said, "I'm not leaving like I did last time. I'll only be at the Smials. I really need to talk to Pippin about some things."
"Will you be back for my birthday?"
"Darling I'll be back tomorrow. Now hurry off to bed."
"Will you tuck me in?"
Merry walked over and lifted her up in his arms.
"Of course I will. Ugh, you're getting heavy! Who gave you permission to grow so much while I was gone?"
"What do you expect will happen when you're gone for so long?" Cordy said and with an icy stare went back to his and Lucky's bedroom.
Merry watched him go and felt even sadder. Cordy was mad at him, there was no doubt about that. Merry knew the lad understood his parents had been fighting, possibly he had even heard them. But there was nothing to do about that at the moment. He took Lúthien back to the room she shared with her sister and tucked her in. He rested his forehead against hers to feel if she had a fever still and found that she did. With a kiss on the cheek he told her to go to sleep and recover her strength.
At her request he sang her a lullaby and knowing that he was still there she closed her eyes and before long drifted off to sleep. Merry hated himself in that moment, he felt like the worst father in the world. For sixteen months he had been away from them, he had not been there to sing them to sleep or comfort them when they were not well. The time he had with them was so precious, they were growing up at the speed of light, he hadn't fully realised until now how precious the short years of their childhood were. They were becoming adults now and one by one they would leave the nest and create their own lives. Then he would regret bitterly having not cherished every last day of their childhood and spent it with them.
He looked over at Éowyn, fast asleep in her bed. Nearly twenty-three years had passed since she came into the world yet he could still remember it as if it were yesterday. He remembered her first smile, the first time she rolled over, the first time she stood, walked and talked. She had been the greatest gift he had ever been given and he had showered her with love and affection. Then the litter had been increased by first a little brother barely a year after Éowyn's birth, then another three brothers showing up one by one. And finally Éowyn's sister had seen the light of day, almost thirteen years ago to the day. Éowyn was no longer Merry's little lass, her sweet child face had turned into a beautiful tween lass' and she was a bit taller than her mother now. With a strike of panic Merry wondered how long it would be before some lad who had fallen for her beauty also fell for her sweet personality and before long charmed her.
Théodoc would be twenty-two this fall, he too was almost fully an adult by now. He still didn't look or act much like either parent and was still as shy and withdrawn as he had been when he was young. Merry and Estella had hoped he would grow out of it but he hadn't. But he was responsible and reliable, always looking after his younger siblings and doing everything he was told to do, so they knew they wouldn't have to worry about him. And then there was Aramac, who would be nineteen in a couple of months. Just like Éowyn he had looked a lot like Estella at birth but had grown more and more alike Merry with each passing year. His personality seemed to be almost exactly his father's, Merry saw himself in Aramac so much that it was scary.
While gently stroking Lúthien's hair as she slept Merry thought of Lucky, his youngest son, who was not so young anymore. He was almost fifteen, it seemed like a miracle to Merry. The boy had been given no more than a few hours to live at his birth, when he survived long enough to be given a name they still didn't expect him to see his second birthday. Over the years Merry had thought so many times he couldn't even count them that illness would take Lucky's life before he reached thirty-three. He was almost halfway there now and still holding on to life, even though he was weak and sick. He was Estella's child of woe, she had never stopped blaming herself for his destiny to always be ill and weak and each time he fell ill Estella would go out of her way to make things as comfortable for him as she could yet anyone could tell that she was doing so out of great guilt. Lucky lived a very restricted life compared to his siblings, his parents watched over him carefully to make sure he would have a chance to survive until adulthood. Still neither dared to believe that they would get to keep him, they both knew that if they survived any of their children it would be Lucimac.
Lúthien was sound asleep and Éowyn was sleeping too. Merry rose quietly and walked to the door. He stopped and turned to look at his daughters, his apple cheeks and his legolass with the blonde hair. Lúthien was still on the child side of adolescence, Éowyn was more an adult now. It scared Merry knowing that Elanor had gotten married last year, that one child had left the Gamgee nest. It made it impossible to deny that children grew up and began lives of their own. Sam had lost Elanor last year, Merry wondered for how long he would get to keep Éowyn.
Pippin looked up the next morning when Merry walked into the kitchen and sat down for breakfast. Neither of them said anything at first, nothing needed to be said really. Pippin knew why Merry was there even though he hadn't known that he was at the Smials until now. He must have arrived during the night and found himself a bed in one of the guestrooms. There was nothing to say about it, things had not gone the way Merry had hoped with Estella and he had taken his refuge to the Smials. They ate in silence and once their meal was finished they through some unspoken agreement went outside for a walk.
"I'm sorry things didn't go well with Estella" Pippin said and finally broke the silence.
"So am I" Merry said. "I hadn't expected it to go this way. I was ready to forgive her, I have forgiven her, but it wasn't all that easy. I somehow managed to not realise that she might not be willing to forgive me. She says that until I trust her again we cannot live as husband and wife. She's right, but I wish she wasn't. I can't force myself to trust her, I just can't! Yet I don't want to miss out on our marriage, we've been apart long enough as it is."
"Merry maybe you do have to force yourself to trust her" Pippin said. "You cannot keep this up or you'll ruin all the wonderful things you've had. Give her the benefit of a doubt, what if it really was a one time thing that she looked through your papers? Doesn't she deserve a second chance? You forgave her for putting Lucky's life in danger when his premature birth was brought on by her never resting, can't you find it in your heart to forgive her for this too? You trusted her to carry a sixth child of yours after what happened with Lucky and she saw that through with flying colours! There was nothing problematic at all about Lúthien's birth! It's beginning to be petty of you not to be able to put your trust in her once more."
"Where does all this come from?" Merry asked. "I thought you agreed with me!"
"Maybe I do and maybe I don't" Pippin said. "I understand completely why you don't trust her but I think it's time for you to get over that now! You were away for sixteen months and she did nothing to prove herself untrustworthy. Merry if you don't put more trust in her than you do now there's a chance you might lose her."
"She's my wife" Merry said, sounding scared. "I won't lose her! We love each other!"
"You've been telling her for almost two years how you don't trust her. Before you know it she's going to reach the point where she doesn't care whether or not you trust her for she has tired of waiting for you to come around. When that happens you'll be willing to do anything to prove to her that you trust her again but it won't matter anymore. A wall will have been raised between you and not even love might be able to break it."
"What should I do?" Merry asked. "Trust takes a long time to earn back once you've lost it."
"You said to me two days ago that you feel like a bad husband to her" Pippin said. "That you haven't handled not telling her about our past very well. Tell her something about what happened and see what she does with it. It will be the final test of whether or not you can trust her again. Do that and save your marriage, sacrifice one secret for your happiness."
Merry nodded slowly. Pippin was right. But it would take a lot of strength and courage to open up about his past. Merry wasn't sure he would be able to do it.
"You're making too much noise!" Aramac complained to Théo.
"You're one to talk!" Théo retorted grumpily.
"You're both making nose" Éowyn said. "Especially with that arguing! Are you trying to wake Mother up? It sounds like you are!"
"There now" Merry said. "Don't quarrel with each other."
It was late June, the week of Midsummer's Eve, and Merry's 70th birthday. It was early morning, nobody was awake yet at Brandy Hall save for Merry and his children. They were working on a surprise for Estella, Merry's gift to her on his birthday. He had decided to follow Pippin's advice and open up slightly about his past but he had needed time to prepare. Once he felt ready he had written Aragorn and asked for his help, then he had waited for the parcel Aragorn sent him to arrive. It had arrived in a large chest that Merry had managed to hide for a few days, but now it was time for Estella to see it. He wanted it to be a surprise so he had gotten the children to help him carry it inside, by making them help out instead of those who worked for him he felt like he was giving them a glimpse as well and keeping it all within the family.
Right now though he was beginning to wonder if they would be able to keep it a surprise. The chest was heavy and the four oldest were bickering non-stop while helping Merry to carry it. Merry couldn't lift too hard himself or his back would protest and he wouldn't let Lucky and Lúthien help out, something that seemed to annoy especially Aramac and Cordy. Lucky had taken on the job of co-ordinating them while they tried to navigate to the old nursery and Lúthien opened all doors for them.
"What's in this thing?" Cordy complained. "It's so heavy!"
"The chest is heavier than what's in it" Merry said. "I'm sure you can manage a bit more, Cordy. It's not much further now."
"Just one more door" Lucky said. "And you need to go a bit more to the right."
"If you think it's so easy then why don't you grab on here?" Cordy said.
"Don't argue" Merry said. "Focus on lifting rather than talking, Comradoc!"
Finally they reached the old nursery and managed to set the chest down quite quietly. Estella was asleep in the next room so they had to be very quiet. Cordy sunk down in a rocking chair and sighed deeply, seemingly exhausted from the lift, and Théo sunk down on the floor next to him just as exhausted. Lúthien closed the door behind her as she entered the room too and admired the chest.
"It's so beautiful!" she said.
"Yes it is" Merry nodded.
The chest was in secret more telling of his past than anything in it. The figures carved into the wooden chest were himself and his friends in scenes from the War. Merry had been shocked to see it, he didn't know Aragorn had had any such chests made, and he had found himself shedding a few tears over the sight. The carvings were beautiful and they were images from his own life. But one had to know the stories to see them in the carvings. There was Frodo holding Aragorn's crown at the crowning, Pippin facing a huge troll, Legolas firing his bow, and Aragorn healing Éowyn among other images. Merry had found himself on the carvings too, a little figure offering a sword to a human king.
"We should polish it up a bit" Lucky said. "The brass and iron don't shine the way they ought to!"
"I want to help out too" Lúthien said.
"You're too little" Lucky said.
"Am not! I'm thirteen!"
"Voices down!" Aramac reminded them.
"I brought some polish" Théo said and fished out a bottle from his small backpack. "There should be a rag around here somewhere we could use."
"Here!" Lucky announced. "I found one! Mother always keeps rags in these drawers!"
"Can I polish the chest?" Lúthien asked.
"As if you could" Lucky snorted. "You would only get polish on the wood and it's too pretty for that!"
"Would you lend her the rag?" Éowyn said, annoyed with Lucky for putting Lúthien down all the time.
But Lucky refused, insisting that Lúthien only would damage the wood carvings. Éowyn snatched the rag from him and told him that he surely wouldn't do much better, and that Théo ought to polish it.
"It really is beautiful" Aramac said.
"Mother's going to be so surprised!" Cordy said. "What's in it, Father?"
"It's for her eyes only" Merry said.
"Don't be so curious Comradoc!" Lúthien said and waved her finger at her brother.
"Will you stop trying to raise me? I'm three years older than you, I should be raising you!" Cordy said.
"Both of you stop it" Éowyn said.
"If Father says we're not to see what's in the chest then we're not to see it" Théo said and carefully polished the chest.
"I want to see what's in it" Lucky complained.
"Me too. Maybe if we wished it?"
"Now who's being curious Lúthien?" Cordy pointed out.
"That's enough from all of you" Merry said.
"Is she going to get to keep the chest?" Lúthien asked.
"The chest is mine" Merry said. "Strider sent it for me."
"So Éowyn and I can't have it in our room?"
"No love."
"Maybe if I--"
"Please don't finish that sentence" Cordy complained. "You never get those wishes anyway!"
"I know, if I did you wouldn't still be around" Lúthien said testily.
"Lúthien!" Merry said. "Don't you ever say anything like that to your brother again! Apologise at once!"
"I'm sorry" Lúthien said, but stuck her tongue out at Cordy behind her father's back.
"I saw that" Aramac said and angrily pinched her ear.
"That's enough from you all" Merry said. "I want you all to go back to bed, without quarrelling on the way! Can't you please try to be friends at least for my birthday?"
"We're sorry Father" Éowyn said and kissed her father on the cheek before grabbing her sister firmly by the arm and leading her back to their bedroom.
"Théo you can finish the polishing if you wish" Merry said. "If you'd rather go back to bed I'll do the rest."
"I'd like to finish if I may" Théo said, only happy to get to polish the fine chest.
"Very well then. The rest of you lads, off to bed!"
"I bet Mother is awake" Lucky said as they headed off to their bedrooms. "As much noise as you made!"
"You're one to talk!" Aramac snorted.
"Without quarrelling" Merry reminded them.
He paced back and forth while Théo polished the chest, nervous over the thing he was about to do. Opening up to Estella was going to be very difficult indeed. He prayed it would satiate her longing to know about his past and not add fuel to the fire. As Pippin had said, this would be her test.
When Théo was finished Merry sent him back to bed and then went to the bedroom where Estella was sleeping peacefully. They had been sharing this bedroom on and off over the past four months, all nights had been perfectly chaste. Hopefully things would go well this morning and they could go back to being husband and wife for real again.
He kneeled by her side of the bed and gently stroke her cheek. She didn't wake up, only flinched.
"Estella" he said and shook her awake.
She groaned and rolled over on her other side. It was early in the morning and she wanted to sleep. But Merry wasn't about to give it a rest, he had decided to do this and wanted to go through with it before he lost his courage.
"Estella wake up!"
"Is something wrong?" she mumbled, barely awake. "Lucky?"
"Lucky's fine. Nothing's wrong, but you need to wake up."
"Why?" she complained and pulled a pillow over her head.
Merry grabbed the pillow and lifted it from her, causing her to groan. At the moment she reminded him of Fatty, who had always been near impossible to get out of bed.
"Come on Estella, wake up! There's something you need to come see!"
Finally she sat up and yawned big, barely able to keep her eyes open as she stretched.
"That's a good lass" Merry said. "Come on, come with me."
"Where are we going?" Estella asked in a yawn.
"To the nursery. I have something for you there, my gift to you on my birthday."
"It can't wait?" she asked.
He didn't answer. He grabbed her by the hand as she wrapped her robe around her and led her next door to the nursery. She was still barely awake when he kneeled by the chest but the sight of it made her rub her eyes and wake up.
"This chest was sent to me from Gondor" Merry said. "It contains something I want to show you." He opened the chest and lifted out a belt with a scabbard hanging from it.
"Merry there's not even a sword in there" Estella said.
"I know" Merry said. "There was a sword here once. A dagger actually, but one for the Elves. For a Hobbit it was a sword. It was my sword during the War."
Realising that he was about to tell her something he had kept secret for a long time, Estella sat down in the rocking chair and listened.
"Do you remember all the stories about the Old Forest?" he asked. "And do you remember that when we left the Shire we passed through that forest? We had our first adventures there, out of which one took place at the Barrow-Downs. We…" He took a deep breath and paused for a moment. "Things could have gone bad. But we were saved. With us from that adventure we all carried a dagger each. Sam and Pip still carry theirs, Sam's is even called Barrow-blade. The scabbard is all that remains of mine today."
"What happened to the blade?" Estella asked.
"There was Elven magic upon that blade" Merry said. "It held a purpose. When it fulfilled its purpose it vanished, turned into ash and just vanished. The scabbard remained but the blade is forever gone."
"It's purpose?"
"Understand Estella… What's in this chest is very difficult for me to talk about. I've kept it secret from you and from everyone, for more than thirty years. I've only given you half the reason why. True, I don't want you to know of the horrors and the toils, I feel like I saw the things I saw and suffered the things I suffered so that you and the children never would have to. If I told you about it now it would feel like it was in vain. But that's not the only reason. I know I did a lot of things that were good during the Journey. Here in the Shire I am held as a hero for throwing out Saruman and his goons. I'm not a hero. Compared to what others did during the War the Scouring of the Shire was nothing. A walk in the park, a laid back Sunday afternoon. I was not heroic, not at all. Still people insist on looking at me like a hero. I did far more heroic things during the Journey but they were nothing compared to Frodo or Gandalf of Aragorn or… or many people! I don't want people to hold me up as a hero for things that weren't that heroic. It would be wrong. All I want is to be considered normal, as normal as I can at any rate. If stories of my past got out nobody would ever consider me normal again."
"And you don't trust me to keep your stories to myself?" Estella had to ask.
"I don't want you to look at me as a hero either!" Merry said. "I want you to look at me as who I am, love me for who I am, not for acts of valour that took place decades ago and were small compared to what everyone else did. I don't want you to see me as Meriadoc Perian, warrior and esquire, not as any of the things I am seen as in Rohan and Gondor. I just want to be a normal Hobbit as much as I can when I'm in the Shire. In your eyes as well as everyone else's. That is why I've never told you much."
"I've never asked for those grand happenings" Estella said softly. "Just any story from your journey with the Fellowship would do."
"But I don't know how to tell you about that" Merry said. "You just cannot describe it to someone who wasn't there. Words cannot describe some feelings, like the way it feels to travel with the motliest crew ever seen in Middle-Earth and know that each and every one would give their life for you and you would give yours for them. Or the way it feels to be so tired and hungry and spent that you feel you cannot take another step, yet know you have three more hours in the dark ahead of you before you're allowed to rest. Both joy and sadness, great feelings and horrible feelings, all mixed together. Being overwhelmed by the beauty of the nature around you yet your feet ache so bad you couldn't care less what nature looks like. So many conflicting emotions. It was the best year of my life yet it was also the worst. The images never leave your mind, the feelings never leave your body, but you couldn't possibly put them into words. So there's no sense in even trying. I don't want to tell you stories and not be able to describe how things felt and looked and were. It would be disrespecting the real event."
She nodded slightly. She didn't quite understand but at least he was talking to her now and giving her something more than just an 'I don't want you scared'. He was trusting her with part of his past and it felt wonderful to share that confidence with him.
He looked up at her and held up the scabbard.
"The blade that was in this scabbard came to use by me during the War. I took part in the Battle of the Pelennor Fields, where the race of men scrambled to protect their last great city. The Gondorian were fighting to keep trolls, orcs, ringwraiths and all kinds of beasts out of the city. Out in the fields were the Rohirric, battling from the backs of their horses. I was with them. I nearly got killed that day, I nearly became a wraith even. How can I tell you about what really happened? I can't even remember all of it myself. All I really know is that during that battle I saw clearer than ever before that love conquers any evil. Acts sprung from the heart are the most powerful ones there are. I lost my blade and nearly my soul and life, but it would have been worth it all."
Estella sunk down on the floor next to him and gently wrapped her arms around him.
"Thank you for sharing this with me" she said. "I won't tell a soul about what you've said and I won't ask you anything else about your past. Tell me what you want to tell me and know that I will always be here to listen, but if you want to keep things to yourself then I'm fine with that."
Merry hugged her back and felt a huge weight lift from his chest.
"Thank you for understanding" he said.
"Merry?" she asked after a moment of silence. "There is an envelope in the chest addressed to you. Have you seen it?"
Merry broke from the hug and looked inside the chest. Indeed there was an envelope for him there. He fished it out with a confused look on his face and opened it. The letter was from Aragorn and the more Merry read the wider his eyes became and the further down his jaw went.
"Is something the matter?" Estella asked.
Merry looked at her with shocked eyes.
"It's from the king! He… gives us the Westmarch."
"He what?"
"It says right here!" Merry said. "The land knows as Westmarch, from the Far Downs to the Tower Hills, will from this day forward be part of the Shire and belong to the Hobbits! It will be under management by the Thain and the Master!"
"He's giving you and Pippin all that land?" Estella asked, as shocked as Merry was.
"So it would seem…"
They shared a look. It was a very grand gift, neither of them could believe it was true. Suddenly Bree and Weathertop were Shirelands in theory and practice owned by Merry and Pippin. The first thought in Merry's head was that it suddenly gave Aramac a grand inheritance. Instead of half of Crickhollow he would get half the Westmarch.
"The party tonight is suddenly going to be a lot more interesting" Estella said.
Merry nodded slowly. But somehow it made him feel uncomfortable owning those lands. In his heart he wished nobody would ever decide to uproot from the four farthings of the Shire and move to these new lands. It would not be the same if Hobbits settled down where he had experienced the first part of his grand adventure.
"Mother is never going to let me forget about this" Faramir complained, tears falling down his face as he struggled with the pain.
"Most likely not" Pippin said and held up the mug of willow bark tea for Faramir to drink from. "Perhaps she's been right all along."
Faramir grimaced in pain. He had been climbing a tree and had fallen out of hit, breaking his leg in the fall. It hurt more than anything he had ever experienced before and the long wait for Merry to show up with his herbs and treatments had been unbearable. Even worse was the realisation that the Harvest Feast was only three weeks away and he wouldn't be able to dance and play by then. He would be stuck sitting at some table while all of his friends entertained themselves and flirted with the pretty lasses.
"Just be glad this happened by the end of summer" Pippin said. "Had you broken your leg in May or June you would have missed all the happenings during summer."
"I'm missing enough as it is" Faramir complained.
"No more trees for you, that is for certain" Pippin said. "Perhaps it has been a mistake to let you climb those horrid things."
"You've always said trees are wonderful things and that they're not dangerous as long as you treat them well and are careful while climbing them" Faramir said.
"That is hard to repeat when your child has broken his leg falling out of one" Pippin said and made Faramir drink some more tea.
He wished Merry would hurry up and get back. He was out collecting some bark, at the time being Pippin was alone with Faramir. Pippin had never seen his son in this much pain and it broke his heart to see it. It had not been a clean break but luckily it was not as bad as it could have been and Merry wouldn't have to do much adjusting to it. But Pippin was still scared knowing what was coming. He had never helped Merry out with a broken bone before but once when he was a teenager he had broken his arm and the medic had had to adjust the bone pipes so that they were in the right position. It was the most painful thing Pippin had experienced, up until then at least, and it scared him to know that his lad would have to go through the same thing.
Finally Merry returned with a bag filled with bark and another brew in a cup. He gave it to Faramir to drink instead of the willow bark.
"This is much stronger" he told him. "You won't feel as much."
Faramir happily drank the tea and then nervously eyed Merry as he prepared the bark. When his uncle carefully grabbed his left leg he flinched. He could still feel the pain even though it wasn't as sharp, and it made him sick to his stomach.
"Perhaps it would be wise of you to close your eyes, Faramir" Merry said. "It's easier not having to watch… Pippin would you come and give me a hand please?"
Faramir pressed his eyes shut and wished his father hadn't removed the arm he had had over his shoulders. It was a comfort he really needed, but Merry needed Pippin more at the moment. Faramir could feel Merry's fingers locating the broken pipes and that alone hurt quite a lot.
"What do you need me to do?" Pippin asked and managed to sound quite calm even though he was very nervous.
"Place your hands right below his knee" Merry said. "And just hold tight. I need you to offer a counter force while I pull the leg back into place. But let's wait a minute first."
"Isn't it better to just get it over with?" Pippin asked.
"I'm waiting for Faramir to go to sleep" Merry said. "While he's asleep his muscles relax and I won't risk injuring anything while I adjust the bones. Not to mention he won't feel a thing."
"Oh thank you" Pippin said with a huge sigh of relief. "I remember when my arm was broken, they didn't have to adjust it much at all but it still hurt real bad! I've been fretting inside over how much this is going to hurt for poor Faramir, but if he's asleep he won't have to be hurt!"
"Not while he's sleeping at any rate" Merry said. "But it will hurt a lot when he wakes up. Be sure to give him a lot of willow bark tea. He seems to be sleeping now, will you make sure for me though?"
Pippin gently shook Faramir's shoulder but got no response. Merry once more fingered the leg to find the pipes and pressed a little harder than before. When no response came from Faramir he knew it was time to get to work.
"All right!" he said. "I will pull, you will hold back."
"Can I have my eyes closed?" Pippin asked.
"If you think you can manage holding back and closing your eyes at the same time" Merry said dryly. "Alright, let's go."
He took a firm grip of the boy's leg and pulled as hard as he could. Pippin efficiently held back on the other end, forcing the bone pipes to separate and then with a sound that made Pippin cringe fall back into their right places.
"There we go!" Merry said, sounding as if they had just shoed a horse and not pulled a broken leg into its right place. "All better. Now it will heal in the right position and it won't bother him in the future. I just need to make a cast out of the bark and splint it. It will heal perfectly so long as you keep tabs on him and make sure he doesn't move around too much and move the splint or cast out of place. Hand me that stick, will you?"
Pippin handed him one of the sticks Merry used to splint broken bones and held Faramir's leg steady while Merry worked on making the cast. Merry hummed a happy tune while he worked and it occurred to Pippin that he saw these kind of injuries all the time and didn't find anything unusually disturbing or upsetting about them. It was comforting to see Merry treat Faramir's broken leg like a walk in the park.
"How long before he'll be able to walk on it again?" Pippin asked.
"Two months at least, so that it can heal" Merry said. "You need to make him crutches. For three days now I want him in bed rest so that the first bit of the healing process can go undisturbed. Plus the cast needs some time to become hard and solid."
"He'll be on his feet in time for the end of harvest" Pippin said. "He is not going to be pleased about having to baby-sit during slaughter."
"His own fault for climbing trees and falling out of them" Merry said with a smile to show he was only half-serious. "It might be good for him to baby-sit for a while. And you know Cordy will try to sneak him anything tasty he can steal from the kitchen."
"I remember when I was eighteen and broke my arm" Pippin said with a smile. "That was the first year you ever stole anything at all from the kitchen. Sausages and pigs ears and whatnot! You got away with it too, since nobody suspected decent old Merry to be the thief. I don't even think you ate much of it yourself."
"I ate none of it actually, I gave it all to you" Merry said. "Cordy won't be that generous, I can tell you."
Pippin smiled. Thinking of old times made him feel happy to have gotten this far. So many times in life he had expected never to grow very old, yet now he was over sixty. Merry was seventy years old now and for the first time Pippin began to feel uncomfortable with the age difference between them. If Merry lived to see his eleventifirst birthday Pippin would still have eight years to live before he reached that age. Whenever Merry died Pippin would have years ahead of him, maybe even more than a decade. He didn't want to survive his cousin by that many years.
Merry however seemed unbothered by it all. Though he would probably get to die first and not have to be left behind alone. Pippin remembered when he had been twenty-eight and on the battlefield by the Black Gates. He had thought that Merry and he ought to die together, and he had taken for granted that it would be the case. They would both die within a short time and Pippin had been fine with that somehow. At least they would die at the same time. But they had both survived and now old age would most likely be what killed them. Merry would reach old age before Pippin did. It made Pippin very uncomfortable.
But at least they were together now and for many years to come. Pippin no longer had to walk out to the meadows at night and speak with Merry who wasn't there in person. He had not spoken to Merry without Merry being present since his cousin's return, and he no longer heard his voice other than when Merry was actually speaking. Pippin no longer worried that he was losing his mind. But deep down inside he wondered what would happen when Merry passed away. Perhaps Pippin would lose his mind for good when that happened.
Leave a review please! And I will try to update within the next couple of weeks! Bye for now!