The Tale of Years Chapter 25: 1453, a lord of the rings fanfic

Author's Note: Wow… Long time since I last posted a chapter! I can't believe it's been so long… But I haven't forgotten about this story or given up on it! I've even written a few chapters during summer, but it's not been running smoothly. I feel like I've lost the style I had before, perhaps that's why I haven't posted any of my latest chapters… But here it is, the 25th chapter of the story, hopefully not too awful! I feel like some parts are very jumpy and uneven, I don't like it one bit. But I can't be bothered rewriting anymore, I'll just post it the way it is now and hope it's okay enough. I'm having some real trouble with the upload system, which has changed since I last used it, so if this chapter looks odd for any reason with paragraphs and such that is the reason.

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters except for Merry's children.

XXX

"Pippin I'm cold" Merry complained and rubbed his aching hands. "We need to find ourselves an inn and fast!"

Pippin nodded, shivering in the cold. They had been out riding when a snowstorm had suddenly hit them. Winter had been very unpredictable this time around, but nobody had expected a snowstorm. Now they had to find refuge somewhere.

"The cottage!" he cried over the howling wind. "We're not far from there!"

"The cottage is going to be as freezing as out here!" Merry objected.

"At least there won't be any wind there! And we can start a fire! Come on."

Pippin drove Crow to a gallop and Merry followed on Dusky. It took them a while to reach the cottage, by the time they had gotten the ponies into the stable, fed and dried up they were both so cold they could barely move their fingers.

"How about that fire now?" Merry said. "Keep rubbing your hands, it will keep blood going through them."

"I hate being cold, I hate it, I hate it, I hate it" Pippin said.

They made their way inside and Pippin started up a fire while Merry found something to cook soup from. Before long they were cooped up in a resting chair each, wrapped up in blankets Pippin found and with bowls of hot soup to warm them up.

"See I told you this cottage would be a good idea" Pippin said.

"I haven't argued with that. For the past six years. When last we used it."

"It's here for emergencies" Pippin said. "Be glad when you don't have to use it. Admit it's lovely to be someplace where trees shield from the wind?"

"Yes Pip, it's swell" Merry agreed.

"So how long do you think we're going to be stuck here?" Pippin asked and looked outside. All he could see was snow. "I know Dimesy will worry about me if we're gone for days!"

"She won't worry. She'll think you're at the Hall, Estella will think I'm at the Smials and everyone will be happy."

"We won't unless we have firewood to cover us for a few days. Do you really think it will storm for that long though?"

"No" Merry said. "It might even be over before supper."

XXX

Suppertime came and went, the snowstorm still raging outside. Pippin and Merry realised they would probably be stuck in the cottage over night since it would be too dark and cold to ride back soon even if the blizzard did end. Pippin went out to the stable to check on the ponies while Merry made the beds so they would have someplace to sleep.

The storm was still howling when they got up in their beds, wrapped their quilts and watching the fire burn. Pippin had brought in some fuel to the fire while he was out, but it would have to dry before they could use it. With any lucky it wouldn't be necessary but neither of them wanted to take a chance.

"This storm sure took us by surprise" Merry stated after a long time of silence.

"It's not supposed to snow like this! Even in January! Not if the rest of the winter has been snow free!"

Merry nodded.

"Oh well… At least we're indoors. Remember up on Charadras, the night we spend outside in the blizzard?"

"Remember it?" Pippin cried. "How could I forget? I was sure we were going to freeze to death, even Legolas seemed cold!"

"Compared to that, this is pretty nice" Merry said.

Pippin nodded. As long as the fire kept burning they would be quite alright, it wasn't too cold inside the cottage even if it wasn't as nice and warm as the Smials would have been. But what to do for the long hours of the blizzard?

XXX

"Sometimes he worries me" Pippin admitted. "He's a good lad, a great lad, but there are some things he does which I don't approve of."

"And you think uncle Paladin approved of your sneaking away from chores, stealing food, drinking people under the table and whatnot?" Merry asked, slightly amused.

"At least I never disrespected anyone."

"How about the time you tipped over Ted Proudfoot's favorite cows and let Frodo take the blame for it?"

"That was different" Pippin said. "I know Faramir still flirts with lasses and kisses them and things like that at parties. He's playing with their feelings."

"He's an irresponsible tween!" Merry said. "Tweens do all sorts of crazy things. Just look at what you did when you were in those ages!"

"That's not the same" Pippin said. "I've tried to raise him to be all the things that a good man should be yet he seems to be starting to revolt against me."

"He's not a man" Merry pointed out. "He's a Hobbit. He's not meant to be strict and noble and military and all of that. Try as you may you won't be able to turn him into Faramir of Ithilien. Faramir of Tuckburough will do just fine."

"Faramir, Faramir of Ithilien I mean, is exactly what I've always wanted my son to be" Pippin said.

"Denethor wanted his son to be something other than that. He wanted him to be more like Boromir. You know and love both brothers, they are as different as night and day yet both good men. You need to let go of your ideas of young Faramir growing up to have all the traits his namesake has."

"He doesn't have to be exactly like old Faramir, I know he never will be" Pippin said. "And I love him for who he is! But there are still some things that he does that I thought I had taught him better than to do."

"He's in his irresponsible tweens" Merry said again. "He might grow out of it."

"I'm thinking of sending him to Gondor when he gets a little older" Pippin told Merry. "I spoke to Aragorn about it when he came to the Shire all those years ago. Most of what I know about how to be a Thain I didn't learn from my father, I learned it from Aragorn, Faramir and my journeys. A year or two in Gondor, under education by Aragorn, would do him a lot of good and help him out a lot in the future."

"Good idea. But how are you going to get Diamond to agree on this?"

"By not giving her a say in it. He's not her baby anymore she can't interfere with everything he does."

"Perhaps I should send Théo as well, to Éomer" Merry said. "Now there's one I don't know what to do with!"

"What's wrong with Théo?" Pippin had to ask.

"He shows no interest whatsoever in his upcoming duties" Merry said. "I take a few hours each week to teach him about all sorts of things he'll need but honestly I'm starting to wonder if my son is stupid. From one week to another he can completely forget everything I've taught him. Two months ago he had trouble remembering what willow bark is used for!"

"He's probably just nervous" Pippin said. "You know Théo, he gets nervous easily."

"Gets that from his mother, he does."

"Your own fault for marrying a Bolger."

"I can't get him to be that interested in farming either" Merry complained. "All of his brothers do their fair share but he always manages to end up sitting in some ditch somewhere relaxing. It's like he's afraid to do an honest day's work."

"He's in his irresponsible tweens" Pippin now reminded his cousin.

Merry gave him a look but didn't reply. He wrapped his blanket closer around him and stared into the fire.

"You're going to have to go to Bag End and see what supplies they need" he said after a minute. "Winter seems to be coming back full force."

"Yes" Pippin said. "I hate having to go there for that reason… I guess it never crossed Sam's mind that if you put ten children into the world then you're going to need a lot of supplies to feed them all. Being a gardener does not put bread on the table, they cannot all live on cucumbers and tomatoes. Has there been a single year in the past decade when I haven't had to give them tax food just so they can make it through winter? And you know Sam and his pride, he doesn't want to accept any of the food more than once a winter."

"Yes, I know" Merry said. "I've tried a million times to offer him flour or corn but he refuses. Says it's his job to provide for his family, not mine. Stupid Hobbit, he should have learned a long time ago that friends are there for you and you're meant to accept the help they have to offer. In secret I think he's beginning to long for when Rosie, Goldie and Daisy get married and move out. He'll probably make Merry and Pippin move out as well when they marry. He can't feed their growing families as well."

"It's all backwards" Pippin said. "He should have my economy and I should have his, I have one child to feed while he has nine."

"No use thinking like that" Merry said. "And he put those nine children into the world he had better provide for them or accept our help."

"To think there were supposed to be twelve of them living at home still" Pippin said. "Can you imagine?"

"I have six and that's driving me insane enough as it is!" Merry said. "How Sam survived when there were ten of them I'll never know."

"Sam's stubborn enough."

"But still! I remember when we only had Éowyn, that was difficult enough! Never getting to sleep through a night, having to rearrange schedules all the time, changing nappies and trying to get her to go to sleep… And then Théo came along and suddenly we had two little ones! As hard as it had been with one it was nothing compared to having two. You never really got any rest, if you weren't looking after one you were looking after the other."

"Rather, Estella didn't get any rest" Pippin said. "You were out working in the fields most of the time."

"I'll tell you, it's no wonder we didn't have our third until three years later!" Merry said. "Who has the time for romance when you're so exhausted at night that you fall asleep the second your head hits the pillow?"

"Sam does" Pippin said. "Goldie, Ham, Daisy, Primsy… All came just about a year apart from one another."

"Like I said, I don't know how he survived. Or Rose for that matter! When Aramac was born at least Éowyn and Théo weren't babies anymore. Though three children took some time to adjust to as well, that's for sure. Then we had Cordy and by then I guess it was easier."

"Éowyn was seven by then and Théo six, no wonder things were easier" Pippin said.

"But then Lucky came less than a year after Cordy" Merry said. "By all rights, Lucimac shouldn't even be here. I should never have gotten my wife pregnant so soon after she had Cordy, I knew better than that. She wouldn't keep still during her pregnancy and it resulted in the premature birth of the baby who survived against all odds. Add to that the number of times he has been sick, it's almost as if he's not meant to live."

"Why are you saying that?" Pippin asked. "You know he's meant to live!"

"Estella was not supposed to have another baby so soon after Cordy. And she was definitely not supposed to give birth after barely eight months! I'm grateful for every day we have with him but honestly Pip I don't believe he'll live to see his coming of age. I doubt I'll get to celebrate his 33rd birthday."

"You will" Pippin said. "Just like you will Lúthie's, even though Fever nearly killed her! You will see all your children coming of age."

"Her illness came as such a surprise to me" Merry said. "I had been so convinced that if I lost one of my children it would be Lucky, I was never prepared for death coming to one of the others! Somehow they seem invincible to me!"

"Your children always do, I guess" Pippin said. "Poor Sam, who's had to bury three. Tom and Ruby were hard enough even though they were infants, but Hamfast! Had it been Faramir I don't know what I would have done! Probably jumped in the Brandywine too!"

"No parent should have to bury their child" Merry said.

"How did Sam get over that?" Pippin asked. "I still think it's odd to visit Bag End and not see Ham there. Every September 22nd it's so obvious that he's not there anymore! It has to be a constant pain for Sam and Rosie, I don't see how they can be so normal."

"I guess after a while you learn to live with it" Merry said. "They have ten other children who they have to go on for. You can't get over the death of a child, or perhaps you can if it's an infant, but Ham was ten when he died. Or was he eleven? Gosh Pip, I can't even remember anymore. Have that many years really passed?"

"He would be closing in on twenty now had he lived" Pippin said. "I can't picture what he would look like. All I see is the boy he was when he drowned."

"You can't get over losing a child" Merry said again. "But perhaps you can find other things to care about and somehow get over that worst grief. Whenever Sam thinks of Ham I know he's really sad, but he's found the way to move on. But even Hobbits can't set aside some grieves."

"Did Rosie have Tolman before or after Ham died?" Pippin asked. "All those years are just a big chaos in my head."

"Before. Ham drowned the year they came back from Gondor. I think. Two children in two years, what a tragedy."

"Had it been my Faramir I don't know what I would have done" Pippin said. "I would lose you before I lose him."

"I guess you can't take any life for granted" Merry said. "If it's not drowning then diseases come… Or wars are fought."

"One thing I've always wondered…" Pippin said. "During the War, didn't king Théoden's son die?"

"Théodred, yes."

"One could not tell by looking at him. I only met him briefly but he didn't seem that concerned. Not the way I know I'd feel in his shoes."

"He had other things to worry about" Merry said. "Grieving over his dead son was a luxury he didn't have. In many ways I think I came to replace Théodred for him. Théoden King was a father to me and I a son to him, by moving his love for his son over onto me he could set aside his grief and focus on what he had to do. At least I think so. What do I know, maybe I had nothing to do with him being able to keep his head on the War and not his son's death."

"A lot of people lost their sons, their fathers, brothers and husbands during the War" Pippin said. "Yet everyone seemed so happy when it was all over. I guess the relief of being free was stronger than the grief of those who had given their life for that freedom."

"It was an honorable way to die" Merry said. "If any of my sons had to die at a premature age I would have them dying gloriously in battle rather than falling ill or having an accident."

"I can't picture Théo in a war" Pippin said and had to giggle. "Aramac maybe, certainly Cordy. And Lucky would want to but Estella would chain him to a beam before letting him ride out. A bit backwards really since he's the only one who would manage to get through it without as much as a scrape."

"That's true" Merry said and had to laugh as well. "Say what you want about Lucky but he earns his name. Except for when it comes to illnesses."

"Faramir would be great in a war" Pippin said with a proud smile. "He's brave enough, that I know! And he would do his best at all times."

"He's your son" Merry said. "He wouldn't give up without a fight. It's almost queer that your only child is so much like you. Look at my six, only Aramac is really like me."

"And Éowyn" Pippin said. "And I bet she would ride out to battle too if she had to."

"Out of the question" Merry said. "I would chain her to a beam!"

"And Lúthien would tell her that maybe she could go if she wished it" Pippin laughed.

"Lúthien, there's a lass with some sense in her head!" Merry said. "She doesn't like adventures, she doesn't like travels, she's a normal Hobbit! How did I manage to have children who long for adventures in foreign lands?"

"I bet your father asked himself the same thing" Pippin said.

"It's not doing much to improve the Brandybuck name" Merry said. "We're almost considered as queer as the Tooks now!"

"Take it as a compliment" Pippin suggested. "And you know everyone admires you Merry, even though you're as queer as they come!"

"Thanks" Merry said and stuck his tongue out at his cousin.

"Hey!" Pippin said and perked his ears. "Do you hear that? It sounds like the wind is calming!"

"Pippin, it's a blizzard" Merry said. "The wind sometimes calms and then it begins to howl again!"

"Oh yeah?" Pippin said and crawled out of his blankets and tiptoed over to the window. He pulled aside the curtain and looked out. "The wind is definitely not blowing as hard anymore! I'd say it's over."

"Get back into your covers or you'll catch a cold" Merry said. "Doesn't matter if the blizzard is over we're stuck here overnight anyway."

"But I was right" Pippin grinned. "And you were wrong." He began dancing back to the beds while singing to himself. "I was right and you were wrong. I was right and you were wrong."

"I wouldn't get used to it if I were you" Merry said.

"Oh I'm always right when we debate, Merry."

"You are not!"

"I am so!"

With an offended grunt Merry picked up a pillow and banged it at Pippin.

"And I'm also maturer than you" Pippin commented.

"It's 'more mature'."

"Whatever."

"I was right and you were wrong" Merry sang.

Pippin rolled his eyes and crawled back into his sheets. This had the potential of being a very long night if they were going to keep this up. Merry was still singing his little song and Pippin grabbed a pillow to bang at his cousin with.

"Now we're even!" he said.

"You think so, huh?" Merry said and banged his pillow at Pippin.

Before long they were in the middle of a huge pillow fight. Banging his pillow a little to hard at his cousin, Pippin managed to rip it open and eiderdown went snowing down all over him. Merry threw his head back and roared with laugher, losing balance and falling backwards on his bed. Pippin wasn't as amused. This was indeed going to be a long night.

XXX

Eventually winter ended and gave way for spring. After having snow during the last months of winter everyone was happy to be out running in the grass again, every mother had a hard time keeping her children nearby as they ran off through the high grass to pick whatever flowers might have begun to blossom.

Spring was just about to turn into summer when Diamond's mother died, the last of Faramir's grandparents to leave the world. After her funeral Pippin and Diamond went to Long Cleeve to go through Diamond's parents' belongings together with her sisters. Jewel, the oldest, was going to move into the house together with her husband and their two sons, but Diamond and Crystal both wanted some things too.

The first night however they didn't talk about who would get what and why. They sat down to dinner instead, the three sisters and their husbands, all children left at home. It was a strange dinner, the three sisters hadn't sat down to dine like this in over ten years. Whenever they met for dinner there was always a much larger crowd around. All six at the table were happy when the meal was over and they could retreat to go to bed.

Diamond thoughtfully folded an old blanket that was still on her bed since she had moved out. Pippin stood by the window and looked out, thoughtful as well. Both of them felt strange being back in this room.

It had been Diamond's room for thirty-two years before she had moved out to live with her new husband at Crickhollow. The room was small, just a small bed, a nightstand and enough room for four or five people to stand. They were going to have to sleep huddled tonight, but they didn't mind.

Pippin watched the setting sun and remembered the last time he had been in this room. Diamond had been pregnant with Faramir, they had come to fetch some old things she had made when she was younger, some blankets and other things they could use for the upcoming baby. Pippin had felt a bit awkward at that time, it had felt like they were two young kids playing house, like his sisters had forced him to do when he was little. But it hadn't been a game, it had all been for real. So much time had passed since then.

He remembered other times he had spent in this room. Times only he and Diamond knew of, and Merry and surely one or two of Diamond's friends. And her sisters. When he thought about it, a lot of people probably knew of those times. But Diamond's parents had never known, at least Pippin hoped not.

"A penny for your thoughts" Diamond said.

"Just… reminiscing" he said.

"Remembering times of old?"

"Something like that."

"We have come so far since then" Diamond said. "Thain and The Took, you are. Parents we both are together. We don't have to force ourselves to say goodbye after trying to make room on my small bed, we have a nice, big bed and we never have to say goodbye at night."

Pippin nodded slightly but seemed lost in his thoughts. Diamond put aside the blanket and walked up to him. She wrapped her arms around his waist from behind and rested her chin on his shoulder, on the soft fabric of his favorite cape. A smile appeared on her lips and she looked up at him.

"Do you remember how I used to ask you not to go?" she asked. "What torture it was to part? How I used to ask you to stay just a little while longer, but we both knew that each 'little while' turned into minutes, turned into hours?"

"As much as we hated parting I had to go before the rising of the sun, or your parents would catch me" Pippin added, smiling now too.

"How those long nights always seemed so short, and no matter how late the hour it was impossible to get tired… And falling asleep once we had parted, it was impossible."

"Not for me" Pippin admitted. "By the time I got back to Crickhollow I was practically asleep on my pony! Good old Fox…"

"Well now I am your wife" Diamond said. "And there is no reason for you to go tonight. I will keep you here."

Pippin looked over his shoulder at her old bed.

"And that small, uncomfortable bed of yours… I honestly haven't missed it, though I'll admit I didn't quite notice how uncomfortable it was half the time. I wonder if it will be big enough for the two of us now."

"We'll make room" Diamond said and rested her cheek on his shoulder. "Maybe we can just pretend we're back in the days when we were betrothed, and what a luxury it would have been then to get to sleep through a night together."

"Imagine how much we would have done just to get to sleep next to each other" Pippin said. "Love is a funny thing."

"Indeed it is" Diamond agreed. She took a step back and grabbed his hand, turning him around. "Come on now, fiancé." She pulled him into her arms and kissed him. "Pretend we're back in the days when we were betrothed" she murmured in his ear. "I'll let you do what you weren't allowed to do back then."

Pippin grinned and continued to kiss her as they backed towards the bed. They broke the kiss and Diamond climbed up on the bed, which creaked when she did. They both burst out giggling at the sound. Indeed it had been a long time since they had been in this room, on this bed.

XXX

Diamond woke up for the seventh time that night by Pippin turning. There was room enough for one Hobbit in the bed but two was a bit much. Every time he turned he woke her and she was getting annoyed.

"Hey, squirmer!" she hissed. "Keep still, would you?"

"I can't sleep" Pippin complained.

"I told you five apples were more than enough."

"No, it's not that."

"What is it then?"

"I just… it just…"

"What?" she asked.

"I can't help but feel like we did something wrong tonight."

"Why? Because we made love in my old room?"

"Well, yes."

"Pippin, it's not wrong when you are married. We have been married for close to thirty years. Why is it bugging you now?"

"Before we were married I think we both wanted to, but we knew we couldn't. I was not even supposed to be in your room without a chaperone. Your mother and father never knew you used to sneak me in here."

"Darling, they knew."

"They did?" Pippin asked, eyes as big as plates.

"Mother did anyway. She asked me once if you were doing something to me that you weren't supposed to. I assured her you weren't."

"Oh my!" Pippin said. "Now I'm almost glad I'll never have to look her in the eye again! What must she have thought of me?"

"She loved you" Diamond said. "Even though you're about as Took as they come. After we met, before you proposed to me, she would tell me to 'hold on to that Took lad'. After we married she would tell my sisters good luck in finding someone as good."

Pippin couldn't help but laugh.

"What's wrong with your sisters' husbands?"

"Well Mother had high standards. If they've never saved the world then they're not good enough" Diamond joked.

"I think she just liked me since I was such a pushover" Pippin laughed. "Somehow she always had me running out to get the water or helping her do the weeding."

"That might have had something to do with it" Diamond agreed. "That, and you always brought her flowers."

"Actually I always brought you flowers. But your mother would seize them before I had a chance to give them to you."

"Well she was greatly impressed by your good manners. So was Father. Though I think you scared Crystal."

"Scared her?"

"You were unusually tall, you were adventurous and you once said something in a foreign language. It doesn't take more than that to scare Crystal. May I remind you that she's married to the most ordinary Hobbit in all of the Shire?"

Pippin smiled slightly and turned once again. Diamond groaned.

"You have to stop turning! Go to sleep!"

"I still feel like we might have done something wrong tonight…"

"Nonsense. We're not youngsters anymore, we're married and we can do whatever we like. It's never bothered you to be together at your parents' home, why be bothered at my parents' old home?"

"Because this was never our home" Pippin said. "It feels like disrespecting your parents. Honestly, it does."

"Fool of a Took" Diamond murmured and wrapped an arm around him. "Just go to sleep. I am exhausted."

"Also," Pippin said after a minute's silence, "it's pretty hard to go to sleep when you're brother-in-law is snoring like that!"

"That's not my brother-in-law" Diamond said.

"Don't tell me…"

"Jewel" Diamond said and yawned big. "Now stop talking Peregrin and let me go to sleep. We have a hard day in front of us tomorrow."

XXX

Three days later Diamond and Pippin were packing the last things. The three sisters had divided their parents' things between them, most things had been kept by Jewel who was going to live in the house. Diamond had her things loaded on a cart outside, ready to take them back to the Smials. She only had a few more things to bring from her old room before her nephew moved in.

"Do you have everything now?" Pippin asked and lifted up her last sack.

"I think so" she said. "Though actually I'm thinking about bringing the bed."

"Tell me you're joking."

"Why not? It's so full of memory…"

"So is our bed at the Smials. Your old bed is, well, old. And all rusty and squeaky."

"It can be fixed."

"Do as you wish then" Pippin said and flung the sack over his shoulder. "I guess we could force guests we don't like to sleep in it."

"Oh off with you!" Diamond said. "I won't bring the bed then. Come to think of it, it belongs in this room."

"You don't anymore" Pippin said gently. "Come on, let's go. Faramir is waiting for us at the Smials."

"You're absolutely right" Diamond said. "I don't belong in this room anymore."

"Were you thinking that perhaps you did?" Pippin asked.

"No. It's been very clear these few days. I belong with you."

"Then come home with me. Don't linger here anymore. I know it's full of memory, you spent thirty years here. It will get easier, I promise."

Suddenly Diamond began to cry.

"I have so many memories of my mother in this room!" she said. "How she would tuck me in at night when I was little! Feed me soup when I was ill! When I got older she would come wake me up each morning after a party, with some porridge and dozens of questions of how my night had been. She was always eager to know what I was up to and if I had a good time."

Pippin put the sack down and walked over to her. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close, holding her while she cried.

"I know…" he said soothingly. "I know…"

"I'll never see her again."

"I know…"

"Pip?" she said after a few minutes.

"Yes?"

"Can we please take the bed?"

"Go get Geribrand, tell him to come help me move it."

"Thank you" Diamond said and did her best to dry her tears.

"Don't mention it. And don't dry your tears, love. Not all tears are bad."

"Sometimes I think you've spent too much time with Elves and wizards" she said and managed to smile.

"Go get Gerry now! Hurry! The sooner we can get the bed up on the cart the sooner we can go home and you'll feel better. I promise."

She smiled slightly at him and walked off to find Jewel's husband. Pippin took another look at the old rusty bed. Perhaps it would be nice to have it at the Smials. He had spent some of the happiest nights of his life in that bed after all.

XXX

Late one night in August Estella shook Merry awake.

"Merry!"

"What?" Merry mumbled and rolled over on his other side, away from her. "Go away, I'm sleeping."

"Merry it's me" she said and shook him harder. "Wake up!"

"I'll wake up in the morning."

"Merry" she said in a firm voice which always worked on the children.

He groaned and opened one eye, rolling over again to face her.

"Are you sick?"

"No."

"Goodnight then."

"Merry I want to talk."

"No time like a few hours from the present" came the answer from her practically sleeping husband.

"Merry please wake up" she complained and gave his arm a pinch.

"Ouch!" he said and opened both eyes. Then he sighed and sat up. "All right, you win. What's the big emergency?"

"I can't sleep."

Merry groaned loudly and fell back down.

"Well now neither can I! You wake me up just because you can't sleep?"

"You do that to me every other night."

"That's a lie" Merry mumbled. "Only once or twice a week, mind you. You ought to be glad I was asleep and let me be."

"Merry" Estella groaned and sat up, shaking him hard.

"Okay, okay, I'm up" he moaned and unwillingly sat up again.

"I've been lying awake for hours" Estella said. "And I've been thinking a whole lot."

"Good for you" Merry said with a yawn.

"I've been thinking about the party we had on September 22nd…"

"What about it?"

"Rosie told me something" Estella said and laid back down again. "She told me that she has now passed her child bearing years but she and Sam still sleep in separate bedrooms."

"I know that already" Merry said and laid down too.

"It made me think…"

"About how unfortunate Sam is?" Merry asked.

"No, you twit!"

"Then what?" Merry asked and wrapped an arm around her. He waited for an answer but didn't get one. "If you're going to keep me up to talk it helps if you actually talk."

"Rose can't have children anymore."

"Rose hasn't been able to have children since Tom's birth" Merry said.

"She and Sam have a big family. I've always wanted a big family."

"Ours is big enough."

"If we are to have a seventh child we must have it soon, I won't be able to have babies for more than a couple of years."

"You aren't going to have a seventh" Merry said. "You might still be able to conceive but you are too old to be pregnant. I won't do that to you."

"It is not your decision, it is mine whether I want to bear a seventh or not. And I want to. I really do."

"Not my decision?" Merry echoed. "It is very much my decision. It is our decision."

"But ultimately it's mine, I'm the one who would carry the child. Darling, I want a seventh child before it is too late!"

"Éowyn is turning twenty-four!" Merry exclaimed. "Lúthien fourteen! You want to have a seventh child now?"

"No time like nine months from the present" Estella lamely joked.

"You are not having another baby" Merry said firmly. "Not by me you aren't."

"Could it hurt to at least try?" Estella asked.

"You're too old!" Merry said again. "Lasses your age are not supposed to have babies! You're almost seventy!"

"I can still have one last baby" Estella insisted. "Don't you miss it, Merry? Don't you miss the way it felt to have a newborn baby? I do! Wouldn't it be wonderful to have an infant in the house again?"

"For fifteen years I didn't get to sleep through a night" Merry said. "I don't long back to those days."

"Stop thinking about the downsides" Estella said. "Don't you remember what it was like to go to sleep with a baby between us? Hearing a child call us mama and dada for the first time? Seeing them grow…"

"Yes I remember" Merry said. "But we got to do that six times. Honey I think you're just having some form of anxiety attack because the children are growing older and more independent. A seventh baby is not the answer."

"I want to have another baby" Estella said. "I want to bear your child one last time. I want to be a mother again."

"I'm sorry" Merry said. "But it's not going to happen. Six is enough. We've done our part for parenting infants."

"Won't you at least think about it?"

"No."

"Please? For me?"

"It's for you that I won't even consider it" Merry said. "There is a reason why lasses are young when they have their babies."

"I still have a couple of years" Estella said. "But it's not much time and I want to have another baby soon, before it is too late."

"Fine, then this conversation is over" Merry said and rolled over on his side. "You're obviously not listening to me. Better to have this discussion tomorrow, when we've both slept and you are more reasonable."

"I am being reasonable. Won't you please listen?"

"For fourteen years you haven't gotten pregnant" Merry pointed out. "It's not going to happen for you in the next two or three."

"I haven't been drinking that tea for a few weeks now."

Merry turned and stared at her.

"What did you say?"

"I know why you give me that tea. I know it's so that I won't get pregnant. So I haven't been drinking it lately."

"So in other words you could already be pregnant?"

"Would that be so terrible?"

"I cannot believe you!" Merry cried. "How could you do such a thing! And without consulting me?"

"Oh who are you to talk?" Estella said, suddenly angry. "You have been giving me that bloody tea for fourteen years, not once telling me that it was to prevent us from having another child! I don't care why you did that, you had no right to make such a decision over my head! Now I made the opposite decision above yours but at least I have the decency to tell you about it!"

"I did it for your own good" Merry said. "Six is enough, you shouldn't put yourself through anymore!"

"Rose had twelve without a problem. And that is not the issue." Her good mood from a moment ago had vanished and been replaced by anger. "You aren't talking your way out of this one! You went behind my back, you tricked me!"

"Don't you understand? I was afraid that having another baby would kill you!"

"Why would you think that?" Estella asked. "Not even Lucky's birth put me in any jeopardy! And if you were so worried why didn't you just tell me? I'm not an idiot, I would have understood. And I would have agreed to drink that bloody tea. But you didn't even talk to me about it, you just decided. If you were really worried you should have done what you forced Sam to do and kept your lust under control!"

"I didn't think you would agree to drink the tea if you knew what it was for."

"Then you shouldn't have slept with me!" Estella repeated. "You had no right to make such an important decision without talking to me about it first. You were so angry with me for going behind your back yet you have been going behind mine for all our daughter's life!"

"It's not the same."

"No, this is worse" Estella said angrily. "And it's downright humiliating!"

"That was not my intention" Merry said, shocked by her sudden change of mood. From wanting to carry his child to angry with him in a minute.

"I don't care what your intention was, you had no right! For more than a decade I've wondered if there's something wrong with me, why I haven't had another child! And it turns out it's my husband's fault!"

"Estella--"

"Save it" Estella said. "I don't want to hear it. You put me through a lot when I had read your papers. But in truth you are much worse yourself, you betrayed me for years and years!"

"Hey, I never lied to you! I never said you could have a baby!"

"I never lied to you either!"

"I know what I did was wrong, but I was only trying to protect you!"

"Had you thought like that earlier we would never have had Lúthie. Or Lucky, or perhaps even Cordy. Maybe Aramac, even! If you had thought that you didn't want to risk me dying at childbirth after your heir had been born four of our children would not be here today!"

"Frankly I never should have gotten you pregnant with Lucky!"

"How can you say that?"

"He was supposed to be born a year after Cordy. A year! I should have let you regain your strength for much longer!"

"Oh it's always about you, isn't it?" Estella said. "You just love to take on full responsibility for everything and you seem to think I am unable of making any proper decisions. I raised your children into proper adults, those of them who are adults, did I not? And don't you ever say to me that Lucky was not meant to be."

"Estella…" Merry said. "Why do you want to have a seventh child with me if you're so mad at me right now? Do you want to punish me for having gone behind your back by having a baby?"

"This isn't about you" Estella said. "This is about me, wanting another child. A child that would have rightfully been born ten years ago. There is nothing you can say or do to give me those unborn children back, but I do feel like you owe it to me to give me one more while I still can!"

"I will not risk your life."

"That decision is off your hands."

"Obviously we won't get anywhere with this discussion tonight" Merry said. "I don't care what you say I will not give in to you on this matter. Your childbearing days are over, all I can do is say that I am sorry!"

"You're not sorry. You're pleased."

"I cannot make it undone."

"And you can't expect me to trust you anymore."

Merry sighed deeply.

"So we're going to go through all of that again?"

"What's the matter? You don't like it when you're in the receiving end?"

"I don't like it much in any end."

"Suit yourself. Now goodnight."

Estella pulled the covers around her and turned her back at him. Merry did the same and spent the next few hours going through in his head what had just happened. He had never thought Estella would find out about the tea, by now he had been giving it to her for so many years that he had almost forgotten that he hadn't told her about it. How had she found out? And for how long had she known? But most importantly, what if she was pregnant? Merry didn't think it was very likely at her age but one could never be sure. The only thing he knew for sure at the moment was that the upcoming weeks, maybe even months, would be unpleasant.

XXX

Pippin Gamgee opened the door to the hay barn and looked inside. The barn appeared to be empty of Hobbits, filled only with hay and one of the many cats that ran in and out of the barns.

"Éowyn?" he called out.

Pippin was at Brandy Hall over summer to help out, and Estella had sent him to the barn where Éowyn was supposed to be to get hay for the ponies. But the barn seemed empty. Pippin stepped inside and stopped a few feet before the big hole that was dug in the ground and filled with hay, deciding that if Éowyn was currently with the ponies he would wait here for her to come back.

Pippin was sometimes amazed at how big Brandy Hall was and how many Hobbits lived there. Bag End was a big house, but for a family of twelve it had never been very spacey. He was very thankful that he had gotten to go work at Brandy Hall over summer, it felt good to be able to help his parents out. Merry had for many years tried to help Sam out during winter with food supplies but Sam had always been too proud to accept the offer. Then Merry had asked young Pippin to come and work over summer, claiming he needed an extra hand. Pippin knew it most likely wasn't true, there were plenty of Hobbits who could help out at the Hall, but in return for Pippin working there Merry would give Sam supplies over winter. It was a deal Sam could accept, and so Pippin had gone to Brandy Hall in May and was to stay until late September. He had never been away from home for that long before but he got to visit Bag End every weekend and Merry, his wife and children accepted him as a member of the family.

Suddenly something caught Pippin's attention, a noise in the hay. Éowyn's head appeared, her cheeks turning bright red when she saw Pippin still standing there. She was far too old to be playing around in the hay and she was very ashamed that she had been caught. Pippin however held a straight face and reached out his hand to her.

"Did you fall in, miss Éowyn?" he asked. "Come, let me help you out."

"Yes, I fell in, awfully clumsy of me" Éowyn said.

She grabbed his hand and let him help her out, and then began to brush the hay off her as best she could.

"Your mother sent me to find you" Pippin said.

"Oh goodness, I can't look like this!" Éowyn said. "Mother will throw a fit!"

Pippin picked a few strains of hay from her hair and smiled at her. Then he saw Lúthien stick her head up a bit behind them and grin at him. Pippin raised an eyebrow and nodded towards Éowyn, silently asking Lúthien if the two had been playing in the hay. Lúthien, unlike her sister, was still young enough to be doing so. Lúthien nodded and grinned.

"Fell into the hay, did you miss Éowyn?" Pippin said.

"Oh, well, perhaps I--" Éowyn began.

Before she could finish, Pippin gave her a push and she fell back into the hay with a shriek, happily applauded by Lúthien.

"Pippin Gamgee!" Éowyn cried.

Pippin took a leap down into the hay and began a hay-tossing fight with Éowyn, joined by Lúthien. Éowyn's angry and embarrassed look was soon replaced by laughter. They battled in the hay for a while until they had to stop to catch their breath.

"We used to play in the hay all the time when we were younger" Éowyn told Pippin.

"I've never done it before" Pippin said. "I must admit it's pretty fun."

"Théo used to hide here when he wanted to get away from a chore" Éowyn said. "He'd crawl deep into the hay and just lie there."

"Chores!" Pippin cried and made his way back up on the firm ground. "Your mother sent me to find you, she needed your help with something!"

"Oh dear" Éowyn said and with Pippin's help climbed up as well. "I had better go find her then! Oh look at me, I'm a mess!"

"No, you're just a bit hay-y" Pippin said with a smile and helped her get as much hay off her as possible. "Run along now, or your mother will be mad at me for delaying!"

"I'll tell her it was all my fault" Éowyn said. "Thank you Pippin!"

She ran off to find her mother. Pippin turned his attention back to Lúthien who was still in the hay.

"Will you play with me for a while longer?" she asked.

"I wished I could little lady, but I have tasks to do."

"You can't go off looking like that" Lúthien said. "Unless you plan on telling my father that you fell into the hay as well."

Pippin looked down and saw that he was just as covered in hay as Éowyn had been. He couldn't help but to laugh.

"I look like a scarecrow!" he said.

Lúthien grinned.

"Maybe you can stretch out your arms and stand in the oats fields?" she suggested.

"Same to you" Pippin said with a laugh.

XXX

Éowyn found her mother right outside the main entrance to Brandy Hall, in the middle of what seemed to be a heated discussion with her father. Éowyn stopped and looked at them for a moment before deciding to go up to them.

"… leave again!" she heard her mother say.

"I don't have a choice Estella" Merry said and held up a letter to her.

"One always has a choice!" Estella angrily replied.

"Mam?" Éowyn said carefully. "You asked for me?"

"What?" Estella said and was suddenly reminded of what she had been up to prior to arguing with Merry. "Yes, I need you to go finish with the shirt you're knitting for Salvia's child, she will be having it by the end of the day. It's important that it's finished in time, hurry!"

Éowyn kept in a sigh. She hated knitting, sewing and all other things that involved yarn or cloth, but she knew she had no choice. She went inside followed by her parents who went inside her father's study to continue talking. Éowyn wished she knew what they were arguing about, it had sounded like they were discussing Merry leaving, but she was afraid to ask.

Just after Estella had sent Pippin Gamgee off to find Éowyn a letter had arrived to Merry by the pen of the lady Éowyn. She had told him in her letter that Elboron was to be married next spring and Merry was required to attend. This would mean that Merry had to leave in January at the latest in order to be in time for all the important ceremonies and he would most likely be gone for several months. He had told Estella right away and been greeted with anger.

"Why is it so important that you attend?" Estella now asked in the study.

"My best friend's son is getting married, isn't it clear why I should attend?" Merry asked. "Pippin and I wouldn't miss this for the world!"

"But you only just went there a couple of years ago!"

"I know, but there's nothing I can do about this Estella" Merry said. "Friendship and esquire duties aside, I am still required to be there according to their traditions! As long as I am alive Elboron can't have a proper wedding without me attending."

"It's not fair" Estella said.

"Life is not fair" Merry said. "I have to go, I have no choice. But I won't be leaving for another four months, so let's not get upset now over what comes later."

"This could not have come at a worse time" Estella said and sighed deeply.

Merry paused for a minute and wondered what that was supposed to mean. They hadn't been on very good terms with each other for the past two weeks since their argument. But he knew that before their argument they had been carrying on with life as usual only she had not been drinking her tea. He could feel a knot in his stomach.

"Estella what do you mean by that?" he had to ask.

"Don't be a fool, Meriadoc" Estella said. "You know perfectly well."

Merry stared at her without saying anything. Was it possible that she was pregnant? If she was, there was no way he could leave, he would be in Ithilien when the baby was born. And he had a strong feeling he would be needed at that birth.

"You're pregnant aren't you?" he said.

"What? No I'm not pregnant" Estella said, sounding irritated. "I am talking about the way things are between us. Last time we had a big fight you took off and left! And now you're doing it again!"

"Not by choice this time" Merry said, taking a deep breath of relief at hearing she wasn't pregnant.

"What does it matter whether or not it's by choice?" Estella asked. "You know something? I'm going to go see how Éowyn is doing. Right now I don't quite feel like carrying on with this discussion. I know how it's going to end anyway. You're going to leave when the new year comes regardless of how I feel."

With a sigh she left the study to go find Éowyn. Merry sat down by his desk to write a letter of reply to the Lady and let her know when to expect him. In his mind he had to agree with Estella, this did not come at a good time at all. But he had to go to the wedding and he had no intention of letting Elboron down.

XXX

In mid-December, about a month before Merry and Pippin's departure, Merry came back inside from a ride and rubbed his aching hands together to warm them up. He looked up when Estella entered the room, closed the door behind her and leaned against the door. He smiled half-heartedly at her. Their relationship hadn't been the best over the past months.

"How long before you leave now?" Estella asked.

"Three weeks" Merry said. "Pip and I were going to go out on a long ride today to get the ponies used to it, but he was feeling under the weather so we went back home."

"How long will you be gone?"

"The wedding is in April. I should assume I will stay over Midsummer and then turn back home. I should be home right in time for harvest."

"A shorter trip for once."

"Yes."

"But still long." She took a few steps towards him and sighed slightly. "The last time you were away things were not well between us, and it felt horrible to be apart for so long not knowing where we stood. Now you're going away again and things are not right between us."

"I'm sorry" Merry said.

"I don't want this to be like last time. So I want you to know that I forgive you for not telling me about the tea."

"Really?"

"Yes. This one is on me. I'm not like you, I can't carry a grudge toward someone I love for so long. You did something really bad but no good can come out of me letting you leave while we're not on good terms with one another. Water under the bridge."

Merry carefully put his arms around her and pulled her closer for a hug.

"I was only trying to care for you" he said. "Had you died at childbirth I don't know what I would have done… The children and I need you."

"I know" Estella said. "What you did was still wrong but I understand why you did it. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to forget everything that's been and move on from where we are right now."

"I can do that" Merry said with a smile.

"Good" Estella said. "You go to Gondor in three weeks. Go, and don't think about us here at home, we will be fine. Just have a good time."

"I will" Merry said and gave her a kiss. "And I'll be back here with you before you know it."

Estella smiled and held him tight. She was beginning to get used to not having him around all the time but she would still miss him when he left. At least it was easier letting him go knowing that everything had been said and everyone was happy.

XXX

A revisit to Ithilien ahead! I might be able to post it on Friday, if I can find the time to make some more re-writes to it. Tell me what you thought of this chapter, I would really like to know! Got any pointers or suggestions? Bring them on!