A/N : As some of you guessed, the situation now is kind of like early Season 3 (despite the fact this is mid Season 2), only of course Buffy is caring for Spike in this story and not Angel. Hope you like the new chapter :-)
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)
Chapter 18 - I've Paid For You With Tears
Buffy was used to keeping secrets. As the Slayer she had a superhero side of her life that she couldn't speak of to most people, not even her mother, and as a girl she had the usual everyday privacies of a teenager. What Buffy hadn't bargained for was another enormous secret to be added to her list that she must keep from absolutely everybody she knew. As far as her friends and her Watcher were concerned, Spike or William the Bloody as he was once known, had died the same night as his vampire lover, Drusilla. They had no idea that the church organ that had collapsed upon him had merely wounded him.
No wood had pierced his heart or taken his head from his body, and though part of the building had been alight, the fire had never reached Spike, or had at least done him no serious harm for a vampire. Put simply, he was not dust, and Buffy was the only one that knew.
In all honesty, even Spike had expected to be dead after all he'd been through and when he'd managed to half open his eyes after a dark and painful sleep, he was sure that somehow he was seeing an angel. It had turned out of course to be Buffy come to rescue him, something he was both grateful for and angered by when he realised the truth. Still, he had little energy to be either of these things for a long time. Even now, one week on, his body would not co-operate with what his brain had in mind and with his legs less than willing to co-operate right now he was stuck on the makeshift bed in the abandoned warehouse where the Slayer had left him.
He knew where he was by now, he'd figured it out a couple of days ago as he lay in the gloom, having to concentrate overly much just to get his eyes to stay open for a decent period of time. It was the warehouse he had brought Buffy too on Halloween, where they'd first kissed and where he, being the great ponce he still was underneath the vampire attitude, had told the Slayer he loved her.
Now he didn't know what he was feeling, other than physical pain throughout his body and emotional pain because Drusilla was gone. He'd treated his sire so badly these past weeks and now she was gone, he had no chance to make anything up to her. He felt wretched for her loss and wracked with guilt for letting this happen to her, but a tiny part of him wondered if he felt her loss as deeply as it seemed. It was of course plausible to think he felt this way because he thought he ought to, and because of the blood link between the two of them, with her being his creator and all.
Things would be much simpler, Spike knew, if only he'd never come after the Slayer. If only he could've stayed away from Sunnydale and not met Buffy bleedin' Summers...
"Spike?" her honeyed voice called in the gloom.
"Talk of the devil, and she appears" he muttered to himself and at her distance she didn't hear a word.
In his best attempt to ignore her, Spike closed is eyes and feigned sleep. He'd taken to doing so most times when she visited, it was just easier to not have to see her, less confusing for his already muddled mind. A part of him, the part he denied so much and yet knew was very real, still loved the silly bint who cared for him and tended his wounds that were taking too long to heal. He hated himself for loving her, and then would hate himself more for trying to convince himself he wanted to kill her.
As her scent assaulted his nose, Spike kept his eyes firmly shut and ignored the woman he would both love and hate. She didn't make it easy, but then she didn't know what he was trying to do.
Each day and night when she visited she would take care of him, tend the wounds all over his body that were haphazardly bandaged, and talk about nonsense things that were happening in her life, like school and her mates and so forth.
"I really wish you didn't need so much sleep to heal" Buffy sighed as she sat down on the edge of the bed beside Spike and looked him over, "These one-sided conversations are getting a little boring" she admitted as she started to check each burn, cut, and graze on the vampire's body, "Still, at least I can pretend that somebody has time to listen to what I'm saying... Maybe that's unfair, no actually I don't think it is" she decided, practically having an argument with herself, "See, my Mom has this new guy in her life. I want to be happy for her, really I do, it's just, this guy, Ted, he seems kinda creepy. I'm not saying he's like demon creepy or whatever, but... there's just something about him I don't like" she explained.
Spike lay impossibly still, not even needing to breathe of course as Buffy's hands moved over his skin, re-bandaging the injuries that needed it and checking others to see if they were healing properly. He had to force himself not to shiver at her gentle touch and not to respond to what she was saying. If she knew he was awake and willing to talk to her, he'd actually have to have a serious conversation about things, and right now he couldn't face it. He wanted to hate her, and it was easier if he didn't have to actually look at her or talk to her.
"He kinda threatened me" Buffy said suddenly and something bubbled up inside Spike, something he had trouble controlling, "It was a stupid thing, and my Mom doesn't even believe me. Willow and Xander are practically in love with my new Daddy figure, they all just think I'm being weird because I think he's trying to replace my Dad, but I know what he said to me"
Spike was now curious to know exactly what this git had said to the Slayer to get her so upset. How could her mates and even her own mother not believe her? She was so sweet, so innocent, so...
"Buffy" her name slipped out from between his lips without him hardly noticing at first.
"Oh my God" she gasped as she leant over him, her hand going to his face as she watched his eyes flicker open, "William?" she said hopefully and was grinning by the time Spike managed to focus his eyes on her face.
Looking at her brought such joy and pain at the same time. The picture in his mind of how she looked was not half so clear and beautiful as what he was seeing now. She truly appeared as a goddess before him, a heavenly figure from on high sent to care for him. He could see in her eyes that despite everything she couldn't hate him, anymore than he could detest her. Still, seeing her only served to remind him of that day in the church, a week ago now, where his own sire had been slain and he had been so badly hurt by the gang that surrounded this woman. He closed his eyes briefly again and turned his head away.
"Does it hurt?" Buffy checked, practically wincing on his behalf as she spotted the pain in his eyes a second before he turned away.
"Everything" he said quietly, "Everything bleedin' hurts" he cursed.
The Slayer wasn't certain what she was supposed to say to that, or even precisely what he meant by it. Being a vampire, his injuries were healing quickly, still not as fast as Buffy had expected. It had been a fierce fight and then with the weight of the church organ crashing down on him, in all honesty Buffy was a little surprised his bones were not broken beyond repair.
"Why'd you even bother, pet?" he asked eventually, though still not looking at her.
"Why did I...?" she echoed, not certain yet what he meant.
"Why'd you damn me like this?" he said coldly, finally turning his head to look at her once again, eyes boring into her own like blue steel, "Make me feel like some sort of human being, make me less than I was, then take away the only one who could've saved me" he sneered, looking away from her again. He'd liked to have got up and stormed out of the building, but after laying there so long, coupled with the pain he still felt, Spike wasn't even sure his legs would hold him, and how pathetic would he look collapsing in a heap when he tried to walk away, needing her help to stand again?
"I didn't kill Drusilla" she told him, almost as icily, getting mad at him for being like this when she herself was already starting to forgive him for all he had tried to do to her, "I only saved you" she reminded him, tears evident in her voice, making Spike wince as he felt her weight move off the bed. She made for the door and he felt wretched, knowing he'd made her cry. Though he called her name behind her she was already gone. If she heard him, she didn't stop anyway.
Buffy yawned as she took the next turn and walked across the street towards the old warehouse. She hadn't slept much last night, half her brain whirring with thoughts of Spike and the situation she found herself in regarding him, whilst the other half was busy trying to figure out how she could prove there was something up with her Mom's new boyfriend. By this morning she'd quite decided that neither problem was going to go away unless she herself did something about them.
Ted was the first thing to be dealt with and she'd headed over to his place of work during lunch, determined to discover what his secret was. Surely he had to have one, she'd thought, something was so definitely up with that guy.
Though she had discovered something she didn't previously know, it was nothing like what she'd expected. The only item cluttering Ted's desk was a photograph of Buffy's own mother, carefully folded so the young blonde herself could not be seen. A quick chat with a work colleague of his brought out the real surprise, the fact Ted had told everybody how he was engaged, soon to be married to Joyce Summers.
Buffy could hardly believe what she was hearing and was eager to find out if it was true. Talking to her friends about the situation, she found that Xander and Willow could only be pleased for her getting a great step-father like Ted. Of course the Slayer could not understand how they could be so calm. There was more to this guy than met the eye, he couldn't be all that, and he'd threatened her before, she hadn't imagined it.
All that confronting the guy and her own mother had done was cause an argument that had led to Buffy being sent to her room without her dinner. The Slayer had paced her room a few moments, both upset and angry with the whole world, before she decided the only person who might understand was William. Of course she was very aware that William was Spike, a vampire who had caused her great pain when his true identity was revealed. He'd upset her again last night by being so mean and blaming her for his precious Drusilla's death. In all honesty, she'd thought, as she slid her bedroom window open and climbed out, it stung more to know Spike still cared about his sire than it did to be accused of her downfall.
Now, standing outside the warehouse, Buffy stopped by the door, suddenly wondering if she'd made a big mistake coming here. She shouldn't care about Spike, the only reason she should ever have anything to do with him again was to do her duty as the Slayer and stake him. The problem was she didn't want him dead and gone, she wanted to care for him, help him heal, maybe find a way for them to be together.
It was a silly high school girl's dream, and she knew it. It was even more impossible for her to be with Spike than it had been with Angel. At least the first vampire she'd had feelings for had a soul, the bleached blond did not. Still, when she looked in his eyes, Buffy was almost certain she could see right into the soul Spike apparently didn't have, and when he'd told her he loved her and showed her with soft touches and sweet kisses, she knew it was true, she believed it, even now.
"Hi" she said, her feet having taken her into the building and over to the makeshift bed where Spike lay without her barely noticing she'd moved.
"Buffy" he half-smiled as he looked at her. He'd spent the whole of last night and today thinking about her, alternating between being mad at her, missing her, worrying about her, and wishing he could hold her in his arms, "About before... I never meant to..." he closed his eyes and took a breath he didn't need as he sorted his thoughts into some sort of order, "Why'd you do it?" he asked eventually as he looked at her once again.
Buffy frowned as she came towards him, not completely understanding yet.
"Why did I do, what?" she checked, hovering near the edge of the bed, not quite willing to sit down yet, just in case this turned into something nasty again and she was required to make a quick exit.
"Rescue me" he said simply, "Bring me here, patch me up, let me carry on existing"
"I don't know" she said quietly, shifting from foot to foot and looking very uncomfortable.
"'S that right?" Spike checked, eyes not leaving her face and beginning to feel like he was trying to burn holes in Buffy who was almost afraid to meet his gaze.
"How're you feeling?" she said eventually, barely glancing at him as she sat down on an overturned box that she pulled over towards the bed.
"Little less dead than maybe I should" he shrugged, smirking slightly at her avoidance of his question. If she wanted to play it that way for now he would. Didn't seem like she planned on leaving him alone any time soon and that suited him, since he had no plans to be running off either. He had nowhere to go, no-one to go with, and in all honesty the idea of leaving this particular Slayer behind made him feel even worse than he already did.
"I couldn't just let you..." she began, sentence stalling when his eyes shifted and met hers in an intense gaze, "I had to get you out, I wish I knew why, but I don't. I just... I had to get you out of there"
Spike nodded in partial understanding. He was evil, her job was to see he was dust in the wind as soon a possible and therefore she had no good reason to want to save his existence. On the flipside, he knew she cared about him still, just like he cared about her. If the situation were reversed he'd have pulled her from the rubble too, tended to her wounds and nursed her back to health. It was crazy, but it was true. His hand found hers on the edge of the bed and his fingers wrapped around her own, squeezing slightly.
"So, all those frown lines you've got cos of yours truly, are they?" he asked, looking down at their adjoined hands, "Or is there somethin' else on your mind, luv?" he asked her.
"Ted is a major factor" she sighed, also looking down at her hand in his, liking the feel of his thumb rubbing rhythmically across the back of her wrist, it was weirdly comforting, despite the fact he was cold as ice, "I went to his office today, and I found something out... he wants to marry my Mom"
"And you're less than keen?" Spike said, head tilting to one side on the pillow as his eyes shifted to her face.
"Way less" Buffy admitted, "There's just something about him I am so not loving, and everybody says it's cos he's not my Dad and cos he's taking my Mom's time but, there's something else, I just know it" she rattled off in one breath, before sighing again, "You think I'm being crazy?"
"Not necessarily" Spike told her, "Could be he's not all he seems. Lot of that about in a town like good old SunnyD" he said, his meaning not lost on the Slayer who had been so easily fooled by this vampire himself, pretending to be human.
"I said some stuff to him that maybe I shouldn't" she admitted, "My Mom flipped, and sent me to my room. Thank God for windows and Slayer agility" she smiled slightly, causing Spike to smirk at her words.
"You think this bloke's bad news Slayer, you go with your instincts" he told her, "Chances are you could be right"
"You're forgetting the trouble following my instincts has got me into before" she said pointedly, "I'm sorry" she apologised immediately, looking away.
As much as she wished this situation were different, it wasn't. Spike wasn't the human William he'd appeared to be, he was a vampire. She should hate him and yet she knew deep down she liked him a lot, loved him still, despite everything. The look in his eyes as he gazed at her suggested he still felt the same and it sent a shiver down her spine.
"I should go" she said eventually, pulling her hand free from him, "It's late and if my Mom checks on me whilst I'm not there, well, let's just say I'll probably still be grounded at Graduation"
With a slight smile and a whisper of goodnight she slipped away and out of sight. Spike took a breath he didn't need and closed his eyes. May as well sleep now she was gone, that's what he thought, but he knew he was unlikely to drift off any time soon. There would be no sleep, not whilst Buffy's scent still lingered and her voice remained in his head, only deafening silence, until she returned.
To Be Continued...