In case any old readers haven't noticed already, we rewrote the first chapter of this. Nothing important has been changed but it's a lot more interesting now, we think, so you might want to check it out before you read this chapter.

Chapter 12

April was kissing me frantically and I was kissing her back in the same desperate way; it was like this was something we both really needed. Really, that couldn't have been further from the truth, because the last thing I needed right now was to make things more complicated for myself. And that seemed to be exactly what I was doing by kissing April.

But I just couldn't help myself. I wanted this. I enjoyed the way she was dragging her hands through my hair, and how she was making these breathy noises as I nibbled on her bottom lip. It was like we were a normal couple and there were no scheming or plots involved. We just wanted to be together and that was it.

But then we pulled away from each other for air and I looked down at April, with her wild dark curls and her bruised lips, and I couldn't help thinking that this wasn't the face that I wanted to be looking down at.

I stepped back and April gave me a confused look. "Paul… what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I lied. "It's just… it's getting late, you know, your mum will probably be wondering where you are."

She seemed confused at first, but then a sad look took over her face. "Yeah," she gave me a fake smile. "Yeah, I suppose she is."

Then she turned and walked out of the house.

I have no idea why I did that. I mean, it seemed like a good idea before - since things weren't going so well with Suze, why not have a little fun? You know, try to cheer myself up a bit?

It didn't work, of course. Because how was kissing April supposed to make things better for me? It's not like it was going to make Suze like me or anything. This whole plan probably wasn't going to get her to like me, so what good was kissing April going to do?

And now April probably hated me. I saw the look in her eyes just then. She knew. She knew exactly what I'd been thinking. God, I'd messed things up so badly.

And on top of that, I can't help remembering how I told April that I cared about her. Because that had been the truth. It hadn't been part of some grand scheme to get her to trust me. It had just slipped out, completely unexpected and it was exactly how I felt.

I never really considered the fact that maybe part of me doesn't want April to end up getting hurt. And maybe I really shouldn't have led her on like that…

God, this was so STUPID!

I love Suze! Why else would I have stopped kissing April? So what was going on?

I figured that I'd just have to ignore this. I promised Suze that I would show her how sorry I was. And that was what I was going to do. This was all for her! What did April matter?

I wasn't going to think about April, or the kiss, or anything that happened before that. I was just going to focus on Suze and completing what I set out to do. Okay, so maybe I liked April, but sometimes you've got to make sacrifices to get what you want.

When Suze stepped into the room we'd agreed to meet in at Monday lunchtime I'd never felt as relieved as I did then. She'd sent me the note saying that there was something she wanted to talk to me about at the end of homeroom. April and I had been acting really weird around each other so far. We'd been kind of distant with each other, neither of us wanting to talk about Friday night.

So being alone with Suze meant I could relax. Because despite how much Suze hated me, I didn't have anything to hide from her. And with everything going on in my head at the moment, this was exactly what I needed.

Suze didn't seem to feel the same way, though. From the moment she stepped through the door I could tell she was uncomfortable about something. But then, I'd have been more surprised if she'd ran up to me and hugged me or something. Then I'd know there was something wrong.

"Hey," I said, giving her a small smile that, surprise surprise, she didn't return. She didn't say anything either. I figured that she was just doing it to make me feel even more unwanted than I already did.

"Um… is this about April?" I asked, since I doubted Suze would have asked me to come here if she only wanted to glare at me, she could easily do that anywhere. "Because I spoke to her on Friday. She refused to confess, but I figure it'll only be a few days before she cracks."

Suze looked up at me then. "How can you talk like that?" she snapped, disgusted. "Like all of this isn't a big deal?"

Because it wasn't. At least, I didn't want it to be. I mean, Suze couldn't have it both ways. I wasn't going to do this to April and feel sorry for her because of it. It just couldn't work that way. So I just shrugged. "What do you want me to do? Cry because some guy is going to jail for murder?"

The situation didn't sound as bad put like that. It sounded more like I was doing the right thing. And since Suze couldn't exactly complain about that she asked, "Don't you care about April at all?"

"I…" How was I supposed to answer that? Say no, which to Suze would sound like I was totally heartless? Or say yes and let Suze think that this is the sort of thing I do to my friends? Either way it would have the same effect. "I'm just doing what I have to do, " I settled for saying. "I'm trying to keep a murderer off the streets aren't I? You should be proud of me."

Suze didn't look impressed. "That's not why you're doing it. I know you, Paul. You can take care of yourself and that's all that matters to you. For you it doesn't make a difference whether or not this guy gets locked up."

I didn't say anything because it was all true. There was only one reason why I'd decided to do this and we both knew what it was. As Suze pointed out to me right away.

"You seemed to have this crazy idea that somehow you doing this is going to make me like you."

Again I didn't say anything. Instead I let Suze go on. "But I have no idea how it was supposed to work. I mean, it hasn't done any good so far, has it?"

I smiled then. Suze hadn't realised that that wasn't exactly true. "I wouldn't say that," I said.

Suze's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean?"

My smile grew wider. "I know it sounds crazy, but I prefer having you yelling at me to having you ignoring me all the time. Is it so wrong that I actually enjoy your company?"

She glared up at me and said, "Well you'd better not get too used to it, because I won't do this to April any longer. It's got to stop."

That wiped the smile right off my face. "What?"

"I thought about this over the weekend and I've decided that this is wrong," she said. "Using April like this, it's sick."

I just stared at her. Was she kidding? So I was using the fact that April had this stupid crush on me to my advantage. So what? It's not like she'd never get over it.

"God, Paul!" She said, when she noticed I wasn't quite following. "Can't you see? April is falling in love with you! And you're using her to get her brother in jail!"

God, this was ridiculous.

"April is not in love with me," I told her.

"Just think about it, Paul," Suze said, ignoring me, "just imagine how bad she'd be hurting if her brother went to jail. And then she'd find out that you were only using her. It'll break her heart, Paul. Please, don't do that to her."

"Well can you think of any better ways of doing this?" I snapped.

"Well… I will eventually. Besides, it's not fair to toy with people's emotions, Paul! Some people actually have a heart!"

I really didn't like the implication in that sentence that I didn't have one. So I wasn't really thinking when I snapped back, "What, and I don't? Who are you to judge that? It's not like you'd ever bother to find out!"

"You don't even care about her!"

"When did I say that?" I asked in the same annoyed tone. "When did I actually say the words 'I don't care about April'? Why is it so hard for you to believe that I am capable of feeling human emotions and therefore might want to prevent the only real friend I've got here from being her brother's next victim?"

That had been a slip up. I really hadn't meant to pour my heart out to her. I hadn't even realised that I felt that way until it had all come tumbling out of my mouth. I knew it was the truth though. I'd messed everything up so badly that there was no way things were going to go back to the way they were before, but that didn't change the fact that April was the only person who really cared about me, not my looks or my money, me. And that's what made us friends. I just wish I'd realised that sooner.

I couldn't believe I'd told Suze all this, though. It wasn't like me to say those kinds of things. I just hated it when Suze acted like I was some kind of monster, who wanted nothing but to make people miserable.

I looked up at her. She looked like she was actually considering what I'd said. Like she was thinking that maybe I wasn't so bad after all. Or perhaps that was too much to hope for.

"Look, just forget I said anything," I muttered.

She ignored me, and went back to looking at me like I was dirt or something. "How am I supposed to believe all that, Paul?" she asked, "After everything you've done you think that I'm going to believe-"

"You are freaking unbelievable, you know that?" I snapped and she shut up immediately. I was so fed up of hearing the same thing that I wasn't just going to stand there feeling guilty anymore. I stepped right up to her, because maybe if she were looking at me then she would actually believe what I was saying. "Tell me, Suze, if I'm so incapable of feeling then why am I here? Why did I ever move to Carmel when I could have stayed in Seattle and had any other girl that I wanted? Think about that, okay Suze?" I gave her a minute for that to sink in, and then I continued; "Now if you could just imagine for a minute that it's possible for me to care about someone other than myself, I want you to know that this isn't about you anymore. This is about April, and I'm going to get that brother of hers locked away whether you like it or not."

When I'd finished talking, Suze was frowning and I could tell just by looking at her that she believed me. "You really like her, don't you?" she asked and for some reason she sounded kind of weird when she said it. Like she was kind of annoyed by it.

"I'm glad that I'm finally getting through to you," I said, feeling slightly confused at her reaction.

Why was she annoyed that I liked April? I thought that, if anything, she'd be pleased. She was meant to be all 'Hurrah, he isn't all bad, after all!' The only explanation I could think of was that she was jealous.

But that was impossible right? Suze hated me. And I was pretty sure that I'd have noticed if that had changed.

"I still think this is a bad idea though," she said, interrupting my thoughts.

"Lay off, Suze," I told her. I didn't want to discuss this any more. But even as I said it, I knew that she wasn't going to.

"No, Paul, we need to sort this out. There has to be a better way. What you're doing is wrong-"

"Spare me," I retorted, "the lecture."

"No! You're not listening to-"

"If you think of something better, let me know, but until then, I'm doing things my way, okay?"

Then I strode out of the room without looking back.

God, thing had just gotten about ten times more complicated within the space of two seconds. Was Suze really jealous of April? There was only one way I could find out for sure. And to do that, I'd have to start by apologising to April for my behaviour last night.

A/N: We're sooooooo sorry that this chapter took so long; it was a nightmare to write. Thanks for the reviews. We really appreciate them.