It feels like she's falling. The only problem with this is that it's a free falling sort of feeling…the one that makes her think that she'll keep on falling until there's nowhere left for her to go. The one that makes her feel as if there is no way for her to get herself out of the mess that she's currently in.
She can't believe she did that. Can't believe that someone actually bothered to find out that she'd done that, and used it against her. Used it against them. She's spent the past five years getting her partner to slowly open up to her, and now she's sitting up here on the stand, tearing apart everything they've worked so hard for.
But she can't lie, and she knows it. Lying will only make things worse. That damned letter is out in the open now, and everyone knows about it. They know that she was ready to throw in the towel after a few days. That she was ready to give up her unconventional partner and her position in the Major Case Squad if only it meant working with someone 'normal'.
The only problem with that word, Alex muses as she sits there, glaring at the defense attorney as he continues to question her, is that people throw it around too damn much. That they use it so cavalierly. There are different definitions of normal. She's managed to learn that over the past few years. What's normal for some people might not be for others, and vice versa. That's just the way the world worked. It was something she'd gotten used to a long time ago…along with her partner's eccentricities.
But it's the little things that make her love him, the little things that make her want to stay. She has the feeling that if it weren't for her partner's odd habits, she wouldn't still be there. She wouldn't still want to know where things would go between them, wouldn't still want to know where that mind of his would lead them next. But she does want to know, and she never wants to leave him.
So when she runs into him outside of the courthouse and tries to apologize, she's startled when he cuts her off and tells her that he's an 'acquired taste'. She knows exactly what he means, but it still hurts to hear it. And she wonders as he walks away if he thinks that she's still trying to get used to him. She hopes he isn't. But before she can voice this thought, Carver starts talking to her, and she is left to watch her partner walking away in silence.
It's when she heads back into the courtroom that she realizes something. She has never seen her partner react that way to anything. She almost wishes that he'd yelled at her, that he'd acted like he was upset, but she knows that he won't. Knows that he'll try to analyze everything she said, looking for answers for the questions she knows he'll have. Alex blinks, then, not surprised to find that she's fighting back tears. No one notices, which she's grateful for, and she wipes at her eyes as she stares forward into nothingness.
An acquired taste…Suddenly, she feels sick to her stomach. This is the last thing she wanted for him…for them. But it's happened, and now there's no telling whether or not they'll be able to bounce back from it. So all she can do is hope that they will, hope that when she comes into the squad room tomorrow, he'll be there, ready to go out on another case, just like always. But she knows he won't forget about this.
After all, she thinks bitterly, how can he? He's already been broken so many times before, and this…this might've just done it again.