Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz
Disclaimer: None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me. I don't own any rights to the films I'm making fun of in this chapter.
Note: There will be some movie references, I will list the titles at the end. Better to let people guess before giving away information.
Chapter 8: The Royal and Not So Royal Treatment
They reached the front gate of the Emerald City. Goofy went up to the gate and used the doorknocker to knock three times. A small window opened beside the gate. Sitting at the window was Vivi.
"Can I help you?" asked the black mage.
"We're here to see the wizard," said Axel.
"I'm afraid he's busy," said Vivi.
"It's urgent," said Kairi. "I was sent by the Fairy Godmother to come here!"
"She's got the ruby slippers," said Goofy, pointing to Kairi's feet.
"They're burning my feet like Hell," added Kairi.
"Why didn't you mention it before?" asked Vivi. "Hold on, I'll open the gate." He pulled a tiny lever and the gate swung open.
"Wow…" everyone said when they saw the city within. Just as Kairi was about to make a move in, the gate slammed shut.
"What the Hell?" Kairi shrieked.
Vivi was bursting with laughter. "You all thought I was going to let you in!" he cried. "You were so amazed and then it slams shut in your face!"
"That wasn't nice," said Simba.
"You punk," grumbled Axel.
"I was only joking," said Vivi. "Here, I'll let you in for real!"
The gate opened again. Goofy decided to take the first step inside, but the gate slammed shut again.
"Hey!" shouted Goofy, jumping back.
"You dummies fell for it again!" laughed Vivi.
"Who you calling dummies?" asked Axel angrily. "You think it's funny pulling these rotten jokes on us? Maybe I should force you to open the damn gate!" He cast a Firaga spell on Vivi.
"Ow!" screamed Vivi. "Okay, I'll open the gate! Don't kill me!"
The gate opened for a third time. Everyone quietly passed through, Axel remaining behind to give Vivi a warning glare. The black mage was cowering at his post until Axel had stomped through the entrance.
When Axel disappeared, Vivi closed the gate and sighed with relief.
Sora, watching the scene, was clutching his gut and laughing very hard.
"Holy shit," he choked. "Never knew that Vivi was capable of such pranks!"
"I told him to pull the little joke," said the author. "If they started using force, he should open the gate to save his own ass."
Inside the city, Kairi, Pluto, Goofy, Axel and Simba were staring at their surroundings. As they were admiring everything, they were greeted by Cid driving a horse drawn wagon.
"Need a lift?" asked Cid.
"Yeah," said Kairi. "We need to see the Wizard."
"The Wizard eh? Well, I can't take you directly to the Wizard, but I can take you all where you can be made presentable. You can't go see the Wizard in the condition you're all in."
Everyone glanced at themselves. Kairi's hands were smudged with dirt and there were small rips in her skirt. Straw from Goofy's costume was hanging out from places. Axel's costume was covered with dents and scratches. Simba and Pluto were both covered in dust.
"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "we sure can't present ourselves like this."
"I'm disgusting," moaned Kairi.
"Must bathe," groaned Simba. He began grooming himself, licking his back and hind legs.
"Knock it off," said Cid. "Get on, I'll take you to some people who can freshen you up."
Everyone gathered in the back of the wagon. It was tricky for Axel because he couldn't climb well in his costume and the weight was throwing everything off balance. The wagon was quickly balanced when Simba jumped into the very back to counter Axel's weight. Cid gently whipped the horse to set the wagon in motion.
"What kind of horse is that?" asked Kairi, pointing at the winged horse pulling the wagon.
"That's Pegasus," answered Cid. "He's from the Coliseum, he's just appearing here because he's the only magical horse that appeared in Kingdom Hearts II."
Pegasus snorted at the remark and trotted a little faster to the destination. As the wagon approached a strange looking shop, Cid commanded Pegasus to stop.
"Here we are," explained Cid. "The folks there can prepare you all to see the wizard."
"Thanks for the lift, Cid," said Goofy as he got off the wagon with everyone.
"No problem." Cid drove off, leaving everyone to get themselves prepared.
"You are a mess!" Aerith said with her hands on her hips and eyeing Kairi from head to foot. "No matter, I shall have you cleaned up in a jiffy! My assistants will take care of those tears in your skirt." She placed her thumb and forefinger to her lips a whistled. Yuna, Rikku, and Payne flew in on command.
"We're here," squeaked Yuna.
"Good, you three work on her skirts by stitching up the rips. I'm going to work on her hair while she washes her hands."
"My hands are dirty," said Kairi. "Where do I wash them?"
"Here," Aerith tossed a packet of lemon scented sanitary napkins. "Just wipe your hands with it."
Kairi caught the packet. "Simple enough." She began rubbing her hands with the sanitary napkins, removing dirt and leaving lemon scent. Behind her stood Aerith, combing Kairi's red locks. Yuna, Rikku, and Payne took tiny needles and began stitching Kairi's skirt.
"You're doing it wrong," Yuna said to Rikku. "You have to make the stitching less noticeable."
"I'm trying to," said Rikku. She worked her needle through the fabric and accidentally nicked Kairi's skin beneath.
"Ouch!" hissed Kairi.
"Sorry!" squeaked the tiny woman.
"No need to apologize to her," Payne whispered to Rikku.
"Ow," Kairi grunted, "you're pulling my hair!"
"Sorry," said Aerith, "you just have a big knot in your hair. Hold still, I've got to get it out." She tugged the comb, despite Kairi's protesting, and Aerith pulled a huge clump of red, tangled hair out. "Holy cow, that's a nasty one!"
Kairi just moaned.
"Nice doggie," said Riku as he tried to get Pluto into a tub of water. Riku tried to shove and lift Pluto, but the dog wouldn't budge.
"Oh, how the hell does the King make you take a bath?" Riku sighed. "How did I ever come to this?"
Pluto suddenly jumped into the tub, splashing Riku in the process.
"Ugh…" moaned Riku. His hair and clothes dripping with water.
"Man," said Pence, looking at Goofy, "you are a wreck!"
"Don't worry about it," said Hayner. "We'll have you back in shape again."
"You know this is only a costume stuffed with straw, right?" asked Goofy.
"Yeah," answered Pence, "and it's a mess."
"Stand still with your arms out," said Hayner. Goofy did what he was told.
"This might tickle," Pence began stuffing the straw back into Goofy's costume around the sleeves and the collar.
"Hayuck! That tickles," giggled Goofy as Hayner worked on Goofy's ankles.
Leon looked at Axel from head to toe, letting out a low whistle.
"Let me guess," said Axel, "I look like Hell in this crummy can."
"Not exactly," said Leon, "it's all of those scratches and dents on your can."
"If my can is damaged, then I'll take the can off." He was about to remove his costume but stopped when he caught Sora and the author staring at him. "Hehe, maybe not."
"Maybe you should relax," said Leon, "while I polish your can." He picked up a steel sponge and a can of polish from a nearby table and approached Axel.
"Please don't polish me," said Axel nervously. The Organization member tried to walk away but was held from behind by Cloud. "Oh shit."
"Leon," said Cloud, "do your worst."
"Oh I will," said Leon calmly.
"NO!" squealed Axel.
"Hello Simba," said Tifa and Yuffie with pleasant smiles to the lion.
"Hi ladies," said Simba.
"Great Ninja Yuffie," said Yuffie, "here to give you a grooming you won't forget!"
"Tifa here," said Tifa, "I'm going to give you a massage you won't forget!"
"Wow," said Simba, "someone to groom and massage me. Bathing myself has been a pain lately."
"Just relax on the massage table," said Tifa, pointing to a white padded table. "Yuffie and I will take excellent care of you."
Simba got on the table and relaxed. "That would be great."
Yuffie got out a brush and ran it over Simba's mane and fur. Tifa cracked her knuckles and began to rub Simba's back. While they were at work, the lion purred.
"Oh yeah," said Simba. "Just a little higher... a bit to the right... oh that really hits it!" A dreamy look came over his face and the ladies giggled.
"Not a word to Nala about this," the author whispered to Sora.
"My lips are sealed," Sora did a zipper motion on his lips.
After the pampering and cleaning, the heroes were talking with the residents of Emerald City. All of a sudden, a girl screamed.
"Oh my God!" the girl, Olette screamed. "Look! Look at the sky!" She pointed at the sky.
Up in the sky, large words were being written with smoke.
Maleficent cackled as she stood on a hill top, writing large smoke letters in the sky with her staff.
"It's that damn witch," cursed Axel, with his costume shiny and clean.
"Can't believe it," groaned Kairi, her scalp still feeling numb from getting her hair combed.
The message in the sky was completed: SURRENDER KAIRI.
"We must tell the wizard!" shouted Hayner.
"The wizard will know," said Pence.
A huge crowd gathered at a pair of large doors. There was lots of chattering and gossiping among everyone. Kairi, Pluto, Goofy, Axel and Simba were pushing their way through to see what was going on.
"Back off," said the unmistakable voice of Donald Duck. "No one must disturb the wizard, he's busy!" Donald was wearing a fuzzy green hat with matching mitts, he was shooing back the crowd with his staff.
"Hey," said Kairi as the crowd cleared away. "We have to see the wizard, I'm the one Maleficent's after."
"Yeah, Donald," said Goofy, "can't you see the ruby slippers on Kairi's feet?"
"I see them, you big palooka!" quacked Donald.
"Come on, Donald," Goofy pleaded. "Can't you tell the wizard that we have to talk to him?"
"Mind if I roast the duck?" Axel whispered.
"I heard that!" Donald yelled. "Alright, I'll send your message to the wizard, just wait!"
"Thank you," said Kairi in an annoyed tone. She watched Donald march through the doors and slam them behind him.
"What a grouchy duck," grumbled Axel. "Can't believe that Sora can put up with him."
"He can be a pain in the kisser," said Goofy, "but Donald has his uses."
"I see what you mean," agreed Simba.
Donald burst back through the door. "The wizard says go away!" He disappeared behind the door with a huge slam.
"Go away?" everyone asked at once.
"Oh bugger," said Goofy with disappointment.
"What the hell is wrong with this fucked up world?" screamed Kairi. "Here I am, I've been chased by Maleficent, my feet are killing me, most of my hair has been yanked out and I don't get my only chance out of here! My Grandmother is worried sick about me and I'm here being treated like shit!"
"Calm down, Kairi," said Goofy.
"Cursing like that sure doesn't help," said Axel.
"Why does this crappy day become worse and worse for me?" groaned Kairi. "The wizard doesn't wanna help me? Then he can go to Hell."
Donald listened through the doorway, feeling very annoyed about Kairi. "They call me annoying," he said to himself.
Kairi continued her rant. "I mean, if this guy is so powerful, why can't he just help people instead of keeping cooped up in his tower like a crazed mad scientist. Why the hell must everyone look up to him when he thinks himself too important? If you ask me, this guy must be a damn fraud!"
"He's not a fraud!" shouted Donald, coming out of the doorway. "You wanna speak to him, just go ahead, but say no more bad stuff about him!"
"Golly," cried Goofy, "thanks a lot, Donald!"
"Don't mention it!" Donald opened the doors and everyone was staring down a long, dark hall.
"Okay," said Axel, "who wants to go down the dark, creepy tunnel first?"
"Something about it makes me nervous," said Simba.
"Come on guys," said Kairi, storming down the hall. "Let's give the wizard a piece of our minds."
"I would if I had one," said Goofy. He and the others followed after Kairi. At the end of the hall, who knew what waited for them, since they had no idea what the wizard looked like.
"Oh my," said Sora. "I can't wait for them to cower like idiots before the wizard."
"That reminds me," said the author. "We have to set up a hologram for the next seen. Something that will make them jump."
"I have an idea."
"You do?"
"Yeah," said Sora, taking the author by the hand, "come with me."
To be continued…Endnote: Next chapter, they meet the wizard. Yeah, Vivi shutting the gate on them was a reference to Robots, which made fun of the Wizard of Oz. Axel quotes the film National Treasure near the end. I love using movie quotes!