Title: Kingdom Hearts goes to Oz
Disclaimer: None of the Square or Disney characters belong to me.
Note: They're at the haunted forest now, where they'll have to deal with screeching bats, plopping ravens and a surprise attack from the Heartless!
Chapter 10: The Haunted Forest
The party had just entered the forest, armed with weapons to tackle enemies. Kairi with her flower ornamented Keyblade, Goofy with his shield, Axel with his spiked rings, Simba with his teeth and claws, and Pluto with just his teeth. Keeping close together, the group walked through a tangle of black, twisted trees as mist swirled above the ground.
"This place is giving me the creeps," said Kairi.
"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "this place looks an awful lot like Halloween Town, but it feels more depressing."
"Gross!" said Axel when a raven dropping plopped on his shoulder. He glared up at the raven in the tree branch above him. "Stupid birds!"
"I thought you hated your costume," said Kairi.
"I do hate it! I just don't like birds taking a shit on me!"
"Then maybe Goofy should walk ahead to scare the ravens off!"
"Wish I could, Kairi," said Goofy, "but I'm a scarecrow and not a good one because I can't even scare a crow off!"
"Alright!"
Simba winced when a bunch of bats flew above the group. "Bats! I hate bats!" He looked at one tree where bats were hanging upside down from the branches, watching with beady red eyes. "Ew!"
"Stop fussing," said Kairi, "the bats aren't going to hurt you!" She heard the bats terrible screeches. "But they are sure damn noisy!"
"Hey," said Goofy, "take a look at this sign!" He pointed to a sign ahead of them.
There was a sign on a wooden pole in the ground. In red paint were words that read: Warning: Maleficent's Castle is this way (an arrow pointing upward), I would turn back if I were you.
"Good idea," said Simba as he turned around to head back.
"Don't think about it," said Axel, grabbing Simba by the tail. "We made a deal with the wizard and we have to stick to it."
"Okay, just don't drag me by the tail! However, in case we all die, I just want to do something." Simba sat down and began licking his genitals.
"That's gross," said Kairi.
"Might as well be done with it before I die!"
Pluto, following Simba's example, ran to the sign. The dog sniffed at the wooden pole then did his business.
"Oh Pluto," Kairi moaned.
There was a terrifying howl in the distance, which was on a stereo that the author set up for the creepy sounds, causing everyone to freeze still. They all exchanged looks, barely breathing.
"I for one," said Axel, "think we should get the hell moving and do that witch in!"
"I agree," said Goofy.
"Let's go," said Kairi. The heroes kept close together as they ventured deeper into the forest.
Sora had charged out of the change room, wearing only a bathrobe, and ran quickly to the author's side. "What did I miss?"
"Axel got plopped on," said the author, "Simba licked himself between the hind legs, Pluto took a pee on the sign and they are proceeding through the forest."
"I missed Axel getting plopped on?" Sora bowed his head and sulked. "Well, at least I can do without seeing Simba lick himself and Pluto urinating."
"Don't worry, more fun will be ahead!"
Meanwhile, in Maleficent's castle, the witch was watching the heroes venture into the woods through her crystal ball.
"Those wretched fools!" Maleficent sneered. "Thinking they can just barge into my castle!" A cruel smile came to her face as looked at the vision of Kairi. "Well, at least they have brought the ruby slippers directly to where I can take them!"
She approached the window where a Heartless winged monkey was perched. Maleficent was cackling as she gave her instructions.
"The girl carries something of great value," she said, "bring her here, alive and unspoiled! Kill the others!"
The Heartless winged monkey flew out the window. Joining that Heartless were more enemies just like it. They blackened the sky with their swarms.
"Fly my pretties!" Maleficent shrieked. "Fly!" She cackled as the Heartless flew off to their mission.
Back in the forest, Axel and Kairi broke out into arguments over who got them lost.
"It's not my fault!" Kairi shouted at Axel. "The stupid sign doesn't give much direction!"
"The sign read to go straight ahead!" Axel exclaimed. "You keep leading us in circles!"
"I am not!"
"You are so!"
"Am not!"
"Are so!"
"Not!"
"So!"
"Not!"
"So!"
"You guys!" Goofy and Simba shouted. Kairi and Axel had stopped arguing.
"What?" asked Kairi irritably.
"There's no good arguing like this," said Goofy.
"We should be more aware of any danger," said Simba. He sniffed the air and his ears twitched. "There's a strange smell, but I can't tell what it is and I don't hear any bats or ravens."
"You're just being paranoid," said Axel. Just then he was being lifted off the ground by some unseen force.
"Hey, you're flying!" said Goofy.
"I'm not flying!" Axel looked down at everyone. "What the hell is going on?"
"Oh my God!" yelped Kairi as Axel disappeared through the tree branches.
CLANG!
Axel had fell several feet away from everyone else. The fall made him dizzy but very pissed off; he was on his back and couldn't get up due to his costume.
"You okay?" asked Simba.
"No," said Axel with his voice full of rage. He was helped to his feet by Goofy. "Whatever did that to me, I'll kill it!"
There was a large sound of flapping and a whole bunch of winged Heartless monkeys came swarming down on everyone.
"Holy shit!" screamed Kairi. "Heartless!"
"Come on everyone," said Goofy. "We got to fight!"
They were all locked in combat with the Heartless. Kairi swung her Keyblade at Heartless that came near her. Axel spun his rings around his arms to attack; he swiped at enemies as best as his costume would allow. Goofy used his shield to deflect enemy attacks, then throw his shield like a boomerang at distant enemies. Simba and Pluto pounced on the Heartless that came too close to the ground. No matter how much they fought, more Heartless monkeys were attacking.
"God damn it!" Axel yelled. "There's too many of them!"
"Stop whining!" shouted Kairi. While she was fighting, a pair of winged Heartless monkeys grabbed her by the arms and flew off. "Ah, put me down!" she screamed, kicking her feet.
Pluto ran after the Heartless that snatched Kairi. Suddenly, the dog's feet were pawing at thin air as one Heartless grabbed him by the midsection and flew up.
"Oh no!" shouted Goofy. "They've taken Kairi and Pluto!" He tried to fight through the Heartless to help Kairi and Pluto but a hard blow to the crotch sent him flying back upwards. "YAH-HOO-HOO-EEE!"
"Get away from me, you bastards!" Axel screamed as he made deadly blows at the Heartless as they retreated.
"Nasty Heartless," groaned Simba as he chased off the last few Heartless. "Look what they did to my mane!" The lion's mane was full of twigs and dirt.
"Did I ever tell you that I think you're too vain?" asked Axel, relaxing to his usual pose after the battle.
"No."
"Then I'm telling you now, you self-centered pussy! Got it memorized?"
"Guys," said Goofy.
Axel and Simba looked up to see Goofy hanging by the back of his polka-dotted underpants from a tree branch, giving him a big wedgie.
"Nice underwear," said Axel sarcastically.
"No time for jokes," said Goofy. "They took Kairi and placed me up here! Help me down, we got to find Kairi!"
"Keep your pants on," said Axel, causing Simba, Sora and the author to giggle. "We'll get you down faster than you'll know it!" He threw one of his rings upward and it cut the branch that Goofy hung from, causing Goofy to fall face first on the ground.
"Ouch," moaned Goofy.
Sora was clutching his gut. "Oh man," he laughed. "Poor Goofy, he just keeps getting humiliated!"
"Indeed," said the author.
To be continued…Endnote: So there's the haunted woods for everyone. An attack from the Heartless, Kairi and Pluto are snatched away and Goofy gets humiliated. Next chapter, Kairi tries to take on Maleficent!