a/n- Hello everyone! This chapter is mostly conversational and plot development. I'll admit its not the most exciting thing I've written but its needed. The next few chapters will have you holding on to your seats! Enjoy!
Chapter Seventeen: Puzzle Pieces
A week after Jack and Lily returned to Hogwarts, Lily found herself sitting in by the fire in their dorm by herself, waiting for Jack to return home. He'd been called to the office much earlier in the day because something had happened, and they needed his help. She had remained at the Ministry, feeling rather useless, so at midday she came back to wait. It was now nearly midnight and she was getting worried.
Ever since they started taking the bonding potions, things had started to change with her. She was able to feel his emotions a lot more, even when he was far away. At the moment she could tell he was heartbroken about something. He was tense and stressed and it made her angry that she didn't know why.
Flash hooted from his perch in the corner, drawing Lily's attention. She walked over to the owl and lovingly stroked the feathers on his proud chest.
"I'm sorry I'm not much company," she told him wearily. "I just wish he'd come home."
Flash hooted as if to agree with her and affectionately nipped her knuckle.
She walked away from Flash and started pacing the room. Should she go talk to his parents? No, they'd be in bed. Should she owl him? No, he could be on his way home or he could be somewhere that he can't receive an owl. Should she go try to see if anyone at the Ministry knew where he was? No, they wouldn't tell her anything because she wasn't on the case. She paced for another twenty minutes before the door behind her opened suddenly. She whipped around and was face to face with a very weary Jack Weasley.
"Jack, I've been worried out of my mind! Where have you been?" she asked quickly.
Instead of answering her, however, he took three long strides and engulfed her small frame tightly in his arms. He pulled her up onto her tip toes and buried his face in her shoulder. Somewhat stunned, it took her a few seconds before she returned his embrace. She didn't know how long they stood there, but it was long enough for her to sense that something had gotten him all riled up.
He finally released his firm grip on her, raised his head from her shoulder, and leaned down so their foreheads touched. His eyes were closed and he took in several long shuddering breaths as he ran his hands up and down her arms.
"Jack, you're scaring me," she said tentatively. She could feel the tension radiating from his body.
"No, baby, I'm alright. Just glad to see you," he said unconvincingly.
"Come on, I know it's more than that," she asserted. "Talk to me."
"Want to know what I need right now?" he asked roughly. "I really just need to be with you."
She opened her mouth to respond but stopped when she looked into his eyes. She could feel how much he wanted her. She could feel that for some reason he needed to be reminded of what it felt like to be with her and not have to worry about anything else. It almost seemed like he needed to see that there was still beauty in the world. His need was written all over his face, and yet still she worried.
"Jack, what--"
"Please," he pleaded painfully.
Sighing she cupped his face in both her palms and gentle guided him down to her. His lips met hers hungry with need and a hint of frustration. Sooner than she expected, he had her swept up in his arms. He carried her gracefully through the bedroom door, all the while never taking his lips from hers.
Harry ran down the narrow hallway as fast as he could. He pulled Lily's small limp body closer to him as he turned the corner and went to the right. He needed to find a way out of here. He had the sinking suspicion that the halls of this prison where charmed to confuse people.
"Daddy," Lily said weakly against his shirt.
"It's okay, sweetheart, I've got you," he assured in a calm voice.
If truth be told, he was panicking. Where was the rest of the team? Suddenly a spell hit him hard from behind and he fell forward. He and Lily tumbled to the hard stone ground painfully.
Harry bolted upright in bed, gasping for breath, and sweating profusely. He felt Ginny stir beside him and looked over to see her sit up and put an arm around him.
"Harry, what's wrong?" she asked, her voice husky from sleep, though she sounded concerned.
"A dream," he said breathlessly.
"Did you take that potion the healer brought over?" Ginny asked, "The one that's supposed to help you remember?"
"Yeah, I took it just before I went to sleep just like she said. My god, Gin!" he gasped, realization hitting him like a stunner. "I was there. When Lily was taken by Malfoy the first time…I was the one that got her out of there."
Ginny's eyes widened. "Are you sure?"
"That's the second time I've had a dream about it. And you heard Lily when she was hallucinating."
"Does she remember?" she asked with a confused look. "I mean, she would have said something, right?"
"No, she doesn't really remember, but her subconscious knows I was there. That's why she had that hallucination," Harry put together.
"Are you going to tell her?"
"I think I'll wait until I get a little more of it put together before I say something. I've got to figure it out for myself yet."
"How 'bout we go back to sleep now, though," Ginny suggested, falling back on the bed and allowing her eyes to start dropping.
"I'm sorry I woke you," Harry apologized.
"Come here," she beckoned. She held open her arms and guided his head down to rest on her chest almost like a small child. He held on to her tightly, feeling protected and content.
Sometime later, Lily woke up to find the room around her dark and cold and the space beside her empty. She was just about to sit up when she saw the bathroom door open and Jack walk out with his hair wet from a shower and a towel wrapped around his waist.
"Hey, sorry did I wake you?" he asked, noticing she was looking at him.
"Only because you were gone," she said softy.
He took off the towel and crawled into bed with her. "Come here," he said, opening up his arms and offering her a smile. She went to him without question and felt his arms around her as she rested her head on his bare chest. "I'm sorry," he breathed into her hair.
"For what?" She asked warily.
"About before," he said vaguely at first. He sensed her confusion so he explained. "I have no right to come in here late at night when you're clearly been worried about me and demand that you do things. I just needed you so bad and I didn't—"
"Shhh," she hushed, picking up her head and pressing one of her fingers to his lips. "Jack, I love you and I could see what you were feeling. I just want to make you happy."
"You do," he said, lovingly brushing her hair off her forehead. "You make me happy. I'm sorry, I know I don't say it enough. These days you are just about the only thing that makes me happy." He looked away for a second and looked back with shame in his eyes, "I didn't…hurt you or anything did I?"
"No, of course not," she dismissed.
"You know I just don't want being with me to remind you of…him," he said uncertainly.
"Jack, I love you. Being with you is the most natural thing in the world." She watched him nod his head and look away. "Tell me what's wrong," she said softly, there was no pleading, no condescending tone in her voice. She was genuine.
Jack's eyes seemed to glaze over. He appeared to have slipped into some kind of trance as he began speaking. "We were called to this house in Scotland. I don't exactly know where. We got there and found a small family of three, a mother, father, and their young daughter. They'd all been tortured and killed. The woman had been raped badly. The little girl…" His voice trailed off and he shook his head.
Lily nodded her head in understanding. She knew what a sensitive person Jack was. That fact was precisely what made him a wonderful person and a horrible auror. He couldn't detach himself from things. He carried his heartache with him. Aurors have to learn to distance themselves. From the looks of things, Jack wasn't learning.
"Jack, it's okay to be upset," she soothed.
He angrily shook his head. "Being upset isn't going to bring those people back, Lily. It isn't going to erase their suffering or change what's already been done. Those people woke up this morning a family and now they're dead. This is the kind of world we live in; a world where people kill each other for no good reason. Those people weren't a direct threat to the Death Eaters. They killed them because they could. It's as simple as that."
"That's why we're all working so hard," she pointed out, "To stop that from happening again."
"Well, all our hard work didn't save that family. Working hard isn't going change anything about the past. It isn't going to give our parents back their childhood and it isn't going to give us back ours. How are we supposed to fight an enemy that wants only to destroy? I mean, there's no logic in it. Don't they know there will be nothing left eventually?"
"I don't quite know how to answer that," she said honestly.
Jack looked her in the eye and for the first time in several minutes he seemed to really see her. He smiled and kissed her forehead. "I'm not angry with you. I'm sorry if I seem like I am. I rushed home to you because I just needed to prove to myself that there was one thing in the world I could save. One thing that was still mine. Something that was still beautiful and normal despite all that's happened. I needed to remind myself that one day I will find something that I'm really good at and I won't have to keep doing this."
"I'll always be yours, Jack. No matter what happens. And you will find whatever it is you're seeking."
"I think I already have," Jack said, pulling her closer and finally closing his eyes.
The starry skies above Hogwarts hung over Lily's head as she lay on her back, gazing heavenward. Her hands were behind her neck and her knees were pointed up towards the sky in a lazy manner. The Quidditch field around her was completely vacant since their team practice had ended about a half hour ago. The rest of the team's players had gone back up to the common room but Lily had stayed behind. It was a Friday night and she had to work in the morning, so she couldn't stay out too much longer.
She and Jack had fallen into a mindless routine which consisted of work, school duties, sleep, and occasionally food. They were almost never together during the week and on the weekends when Lily wasn't working at the hospital, and they had little or no time together as a couple. Jack was now so engrossed in tracking down the troublesome Death Eaters that he spent most of his days out of the office gathering evidence while she stayed at the ministry where it was safe. Lily had never thought of herself as someone to sit on the sidelines, but the bonding process had taken a greater toll on her magic than it had on Jack's. Her magic was now unpredictable and no one felt safe with her being out in the field.
When they happened to find a spare moment, they were too tired and their minds too preoccupied to be of much company. Lately, Lily had found she was often just too tired to be much fun, even if Jack was in the mood to go hang out with their friends in Gryffindor tower. She knew he was somewhat annoyed, but most of the time when he went to be with Brad and Dylan she would stay in their dorm, usually sleeping or studying.
A month had passed since Jack and Lily had come back to school and life was not any easier. Most of the wedding planning for the wedding had been taken over by Hermione and Ginny, though Lily helped whenever she could. The week Lily had spent with Ginny planning the wedding had really helped move things along. They had sent out the invitations, ordered her dress and the bridesmaid dresses, and ordered the flowers.
The sun had just dropped behind the mountains and hills in the distance but the sky still held some of its former light. The ground beneath her back was cold and there was a definite chill of fleeting winter in the air. The weather was so warm in fact that the only explanation was that the January thaw had come late this year, that or spring was arriving early. Whatever the reason, the weather seemed to mock Lily's bad mood nonetheless.
Looking up at the stars, Lily thought about all the things that had happened in the past few years. She wondered about all the little surprises the next few years would hold in store, though the future was such a hard thing to think about in times like these. Mysterious attacks and deaths had been taking place all over the globe for nearly a month. Things just never seemed to slow down.
On top of that, Jack was behaving strangely at work. He seemed to have something on his mind, which he didn't want to talk to her about, and often times at the ministry he would be called into secret meetings and be gone for hours on end. He never talked to her about what happened during the meetings or why she was never present at any of them. She knew she had been in a poor mood since Christmas and the Devon incident, and she knew he was frustrated because he didn't know how to help her. He really didn't display anything irregular when they weren't at work. When they were at Hogwarts, he was his pretty close to his usual self. Still, it made her uneasy.
"You look like you could use a little company," a voice said, interrupting her deep thought process.
Lily turned her head and saw her father, Harry, standing with his hands in his pockets. She lifted her head up off the ground to look at him better.
"Don't get up. I'll come to you," he said, lying down next to her in the grass. They stared at the milky sky for several minutes in complete silence. The only noise was created by the wind whisking through the trees of the forest all around them.
They both had their minds on different things, and most likely neither of them even bothered to pay attention to nature's song around them. Harry wondered how he if he was ever going to get her to open up to him again. It sometimes seemed that the more things went wrong the further she pulled herself into her shell. He could tell that Jack was frustrated with this as well, but Jack had yet to say anything to anyone. Jack himself was rarely seen by his family. Harry could tell this too was a strain on Jack and Lily's relationship.
"Did you ever talk to Dylan's little brother?" Harry asked suddenly.
She jumped slightly at the sound of his voice interrupting their comfortable silence.
"Yeah, I went to see him about a month ago. He's decided to wait until he's of age and then join the department. He says he still wants to, but at least now he doesn't have to deal with it until he's ready," Lily answered somberly. "Or at least until he's legally ready. But being of legal age won't make him ready for what he'll face as an auror, in my opinion."
"When Dylan said that he's seen what the auror department has done to you and Jack,' what did he mean?" Harry wondered. This question had not just come to him, but he'd been meaning to ask her about this since the night Dylan came to ask for his favor.
She took a shuddering breath before answering him. "Jack and I have always been somewhat separated from everyone else in our year. We didn't bond with the kids who were our age because we were not in class with them and therefore we weren't very close to many of them. But we were very close with Dylan, Brad, Mea, Allan, and Christy. We were always together whenever we could be. I guess that all kind of stopped after we started working with the department. We just didn't have time to maintain the type of friendships we used to have. Dylan says that the auror department has hardened the both of us."
"What do you think? Has it changed who you are?"
"Growing up in the orphanage, we were taught never to trust anyone. Death was an ever-present enemy as most of the kids there had parents who were still alive, but couldn't take care of them. Often times those parents were killed. People were constantly trying to break into the castle to take kids as hostages in exchange for information. We were taught that all people were untrustworthy and the only way to survive was to question everyone and hold them at arms length. So I did. Then the whole thing happened with Malfoy just before I came to Hogwarts, and that only fueled the fire. It took me a while after I got here to really see that it was okay to trust people again. I made new friends, and I took risks I would never have taken if I hadn't been given this experience. Now, after working with the department, the distrustful tendencies of my past seem to have come back."
Harry sat and listened to his daughter's reasons and found himself shocked. This was not the mind of a seventeen year old girl. This was the mind of a grown up woman who had seen way too much devastation in her lifetime. He felt completely guilty that she had grown up that way, but still felt it was better than not growing up at all.
"What does Jack say?" Harry asked.
"Jack thinks that what we're doing is helping things. I know he feels cut off from everyone else like I do, he's just better at hiding it. He says he doesn't want to stay with the department for much longer, but he doesn't really know what he wants to do."
"There's nothing wrong with moving on," Harry told her. "You're an amazingly smart woman, Lily. You could do whatever you wanted to do."
"Someday maybe I'll feel secure enough to just pursue my healing career. But right now the auror department needs me," she replied almost regretfully.
"There will always be people in need of experienced aurors to protect them. You can't hide behind that fact forever. Why are you so afraid of being happy?" Harry knew he might make her mad by pressing into her personal business like this, but she was clearly miserable and he couldn't understand why she chose to remain that way.
"I'm not afraid of happiness. I don't think I've ever really known pure happiness. How would I know what it feels like?" Lily looked over at her father, whose heart was breaking. She sounded just like him all those years ago, right before he left Europe for America. He actually recalled a conversation very similar to this one, taking place between him and Ron.
"Weren't you happy living with your Aunt Hermione and Uncle Ron?"
"I was happy to have them in my life. After years of having absolutely no one, it was incredible to have them there. But I've always felt like there was something missing. The only time I really feel whole is when I'm with Jack. But even that has changed." She sounded frustrated as she spoke and rubbed the bridge of her nose roughly.
"Do you still love him?" Harry asked, trying to bring her back to what was important.
"Jack deserves better than me," she answered, quietly looking away.
That wasn't the answer Harry was looking for but he responded quickly. "I don't think that's what he'd say if I asked him that same question. What do you think?"
"Sometimes people can be blinded by what's right in front of them. I love Jack with all that I am, which is why I want what's best for him. And I know that I'm not what's best for him. Sometimes love isn't enough."
"Why don't you let Jack decide what's best for him?" Harry suggested lightly. "You could consider leaving the department if it's not what makes you happy."
Lily was silent for a few seconds. She appeared to be deep in thought again, but this time Harry watched her face even after she looked away from him. She looked to be at odds over something. When she spoke he could sense her confliction in her tone.
"Dad, um…how did you react when Mom told you she was pregnant with me?"
Harry's eyes widened in surprise that she would bring this up out of the blue. They'd avoided talking about Lily's mother since their argument in January when she and Jack the time off. He wasn't quite sure how to answer the question without lying or starting another argument.
"Well, I was surprised and kind of shocked," Harry said vaguely trying to appear casual.
"But you still loved her…I mean even though she got pregnant when you really didn't want a child," she asked clearly uncertain.
Harry sat up and took a deep breath. Lily sat up with him and turned so she was facing him. Finally he spoke in an even tone and prayed that his voice wouldn't shake as much as his whole body seemed to. "Lily, it's not that I didn't want children. I did then and I do now. It's just that it wasn't the best time for me to start a family. To be quite honest I wasn't busting with joy over the idea of having you when we did. It happened out of the blue. We thought we were being careful."
"So, if you had it all to do over again you'd have been more careful?" Lily pressed further.
Harry struggled with this question like he had the last one. "Honey, I'm not a perfect father. I've made bad decisions about parenthood from the beginning. I know I've made mistakes in the way I've dealt with things with both you and your mother. But let me make myself very clear, you are not a mistake. I would never want to change history so you wouldn't exist. You are not something that went wrong in my life. If anything, you're the only thing that I ever really got right."
She seemed to think about what he said before she smiled a very unconvincing smile and looked away. Harry, however, caught the look on her face and knew this conversation ran deeper than simple curiosity. "Okay, Lil, what's this about? Why all the questions?"
"No reason really," she said quickly. "I was just thinking. You know, about stuff and I was only wondering."
"I don't believe you," he said suspiciously. "What's going on, sweetheart? You can tell me anything, you know."
"No, everything is fine. Can't I ask a few questions without the third degree?" She asked sharply.
Their relationship had been like this since he told her Melissa's true identity. She'd been edgy and easily aggravated. He knew he should press her and get her to talk about what was bothering her. But he didn't like upsetting her and frankly, he didn't like it when she was angry with him. They seemed to have such a fragile relationship lately, and he didn't want to jeopardize it anymore than it already was.
"All I'm saying is that if you ever need to talk about something I don't want you to feel like you can't come to me with your problems. Talk to me. Talk to Jack. I know something is going on and you're just not telling anyone anything."
Lily nearly completely ignored his comment and he could tell by her tense body language that she was loosing her cool.
"Speaking of Jack, I'd better get going before he gets too worried. I've been out here for quite a while." She then stood up and dusted herself off before walking back to the castle. Harry stayed there watching her for several minutes, unsure where to go next.
Lily returned to the dorm to find the room dark and cold. Jack had already gone to bed by the looks of things. She walked over to his bedroom door and entered as quietly as she could. She could faintly make out his shadowy form on his side of the bed. He was facing his nightstand and looked rather peaceful. She got undressed from her robes and Muggle clothes, and put on a pair of shorts and a T-shirt to sleep in. She climbed into bed as gently as she could, trying not to wake up Jack.
She had a feeling that this night would be sleepless. She hadn't been sleeping too well over the past week or so. She still came to bed and pretended to sleep only because Jack might worry if he woke up in the middle of the night and found that she was not in bed. Little did she know that Jack was off some where in his dreams, far, far away. He wasn't likely to return for a little while.
Jack looked around carefully at his surroundings and knew immediately where he was. He was at the Burrow, though he must have gone back into the past in his dream, because everything looked a little different. He heard a soft thud from one of the floors above him and headed up the stairs to see what all the commotion what about. He reached the fourth floor landing and ran into two people.
"You're not making any sense!" a much younger version of Ginny Weasley said to an equally young Harry Potter.
"Ginny, it doesn't have to make any sense. I have to go to America. I don't know when I'm coming back. I'm sorry, look, I know it sucks but there is nothing I can do to change the way things are," Harry said while packing some clothes away in a suitcase. His back was facing to Ginny who had tears floating in her eyes and her arms folded defensively across her chest.
"You're leaving because of me, aren't you? I know what you're doing, Harry. What do you want me to do while you're gone?"
"Move on, Gin! Forget about me and forget about us! You deserve to be happy. You should have moved on ages ago when I left to go finish off Voldemort. You shouldn't have waited for me to get back. We never should have started this again," Harry said as he turned around to look her in the eye to enforce the harshness of his words with the coldness in his eyes.
"You don't mean that. I know you love me. People don't do push those who love them way," Ginny replied weakly.
Harry hung his head and sunk down to sit on the edge of the bed. "I don't love you, Ginny," he said with his eyes on his hands lying in his lap.
"What did you say?" Ginny asked slowly in disbelief.
"I said I don't love you. I don't think I have ever loved anything or anyone. I don't believe I know how."
"Why are you doing this? Why are you going out of your way to hurt me?" Ginny's tears were now spilling over onto her cheeks, and she didn't make any move to wipe them away.
"Better that I hurt you now when you still have time to find someone who really loves you. I have to go to America and do whatever they need me to do over there. I don't know if I'm ever coming back. Just forget about me, okay Gin?"
Ginny's facial expression went from pain to anger. She took a few deliberate steps towards Harry, pulled her hand back and slapped him hard across the face. Harry turned his face away from her and kept his eyes fixed on the ground below the window to his right.
Ginny spoke the next time in an emotionless tone. "Someday, maybe many years from now, you're going to look back on all this and regret it. You have someone right in front of you, who loves you even if you say you don't return that love. I'm going to turn around and walk out the door like you want me to. I'll give up if that's what will make you happy. I just want you to know that if you run into me years from now and find out that I'm completely miserable, it's all your fault. You may think you're doing me a favor, but you're really putting me through unnecessary hell, I can promise you that. I'll never forgive you for it. Goodbye Harry."
Ginny turned around and walked out the door and up the stairs. Harry remained still and silent for several minutes before he shut his bedroom door, blocking Jack's view.
Jack opened his eyes slowly and blinked at the darkness around him. It wasn't morning yet, and judging by the position of the moon in the window, the night was far from over. He looked over at the person next to him and found Lily's eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling blankly.
"Hey, why aren't you sleeping?" Jack asked, rolling over onto his side to face her and gently tuck several stray strands of hair behind her ear.
"I couldn't sleep," she answered, looking over at him with bloodshot eyes.
"Is something wrong?"
"No, not at all. Go back to sleep, Jack. There's no reason for both of us to suffer just because I have insomnia," Lily said, turning her head away from him deliberately trying to end their conversation.
"Insomnia?" Jack asked with light confusion.
Lily turned her head back to face him and offered him a lazy grin. "Never mind. Really, I'll be fine. Go back to sleep."
He watched her for a few seconds after she turned her head back in the other direction. She looked worried about something. Maybe even a little frightened. If he could just get her to let go of her thoughts, maybe she could still get some sleep tonight.
"Come here," he softly told her has he held up the blankets that had bunched up as a barrier between them.
She nodded snuggled up to him, sighed deeply, and curled up in his arms at last. "Thanks," she whispered, "I needed that."
"I know," he replied. "Whatever you're fretting about, can you please just let it go until the morning. Whatever it is, I promise you it will still be there when you wake up."
"Alright," she said, letting go of a long breath and closing her eyes to welcome sleep at last.
a/n- Thanks for reading! Don't forget to review! Chapter Eighteen will be up as soon as my wonderfulbeta looks it over!