Title: Lunch and Loot
Rating: K+
Category: Humor with a small side of S/J hintage, but it's mostly just Vala and Daniel bickering
Summary: Morpheus tag, in which they do all go have lunch.
Lunch and Loot
By CooperTrooperSG1
"So, are you trying to tell me there's no loot?" Vala continued as SG-1 and the newest probationary member of the SGC headed through the corridors towards the elevator.
"No loot," Cameron Mitchell confirmed, walking at the head of the group in a rather jaunty way that seemed to suggest he was enjoying himself far more than he had any right to do.
At the dire pronouncement, Vala spun round on her heels and made to head back towards the gate room, ostensibly for another round of her most recent tantrum, which had been made slightly more spectacular than some of the others by the fact that this time, she'd climbed on top of a storage crate before beginning her rant at the foot of the gate ramp.
Daniel, with a long-suffering sigh most commonly seen on the faces of parents of exceptionally difficult toddlers, grabbed her by the shoulders and continued spinning her back around in the direction the rest of them were still heading.
"Daniel Jackson, are we leaving the facilities for lunch or not? If so, I must locate a hat," Teal'c said, in a tone that said that he cared even less than usual whether the answer to his question was 'yes' or 'no.'
Vala gave Daniel a pleading look bordering on a pout. He sighed again, glancing at Sam - she and Teal'c seemed of one mind on the whole 'Vala-issue' -- namely that, while her quirks were as mildly annoying as strangely refreshing, she had enough redeeming qualities about her that they'd decided to give her a fair chance, but neither of them would probably be wanting to spend too much downtime with her any time soon. Come to think of it, Daniel thought, it was remarkably similar to their attitudes towards Mitchell - although Teal'c seemed much more amused by Vala than by Mitchell.
"Daniel?" Vala prompted, now clinging to his arm and intensifying the level of pleading.
"Fine," he said. "But you can't wear that. Sam, do you have…"
"No need," Vala said, patting him on the cheek and sauntering onto the elevator that Mitchell was now holding open impatiently for all of them.
"What exactly does that mean?" Mitchell asked as they all piled on and he hit the button for the locker room floor.
"Oh, you didn't," Daniel said, following Vala's cryptic statement to its most logical endpoint - logical where Vala was concerned, however. She seemed to require her own set of rules in almost every aspect. The scary thing was, Daniel seemed uniquely adept at dealing with her.
"Didn't what?" Mitchell asked.
"Didn't take advantage of the fact that while we were out looking for the weapon, nearly dying, all the usual day's work, you were snooping around on my computer and in my office and figured out a way to somehow have clothing ordered off the internet on my credit card and delivered to the most secure military base in the world?" Daniel supplied.
"Oh, that. Well, in that case, perhaps you'd best let me tidy up your office for you before…"
Daniel scrubbed the side of his face, slapping it lightly in the process. "How?" he finally asked.
"Well, it was quite simple really. You can conveniently choose a separate shipping and billing address when you fill out those little in-line forms…"
"On-line forms," Teal'c supplied. As always, he looked privately pleased that he was now able to help acclimatize an alien to Earth culture - the student had become the master, at last.
"Right, thanks," Vala corrected quickly. "These on-line forms, as I was saying, will let you ship your purchase somewhere else, like, say, to the home of our lovely General Landry… and with your name on the address label as the recipient, he just brought it right in and left it in your office, no questions asked."
"Knowing General Landry, he knew exactly what he was bringing in, and just did it anyway," Sam remarked quietly to Daniel, heading off to the women's locker room.
Daniel privately agreed, and wondered if this was retribution, at least in part, for letting Daniel convince Landry to get Vala to stay in the first place. It seemed more like something Jack would have done - although Landry and Jack were good friends, so they must have had more in common than Daniel had originally thought…
"Daniel?" Vala prompted, as Daniel realized he was now being dragged towards his office. "You looked very distracted just now - you're not still feeling ill, are you?" she demanded, stopping in the middle of the corridor, still holding his wrist. There was such genuine, undisguised concern in her eyes that Daniel quite forgot that he was meant to be upset with her for stealing his credit card.
Yes, he was in very big trouble, he realized as she swiped a card - his, she'd lifted it again - and let them into his office. She'd clearly spent a lot of time in his office while he'd been gone too - it looked like Cassie's room when she'd been in high school. Yeah. Big trouble. That much was certain. What remained to be seen, exactly, was whether being 'responsible' for Vala to General Landry or spending downtime with her was going to prove to be more trouble-inducing.
Definitely the latter, he decided as he realized she had already unzipped her jumpsuit and was halfway out of it. Her back was to him, but still…
"Vala, don't you want some privacy?"
"Oh darling, it's nothing you haven't seen before," she called over her shoulder. "And although I was unconscious, I'm still quite sure you got a very hands-on, up close and personal view at the time, so…"
"I'll be in the men's locker room," Daniel interrupted, turning to go. Realizing that to Vala that might have sounded like an invitation of some sort - to tag along, or just surprise him right in the middle of changing, or any number of other things - he clarified, "Wait here. I'll come get you when we're all ready to go."
"And they say chivalry is dead," Vala said, turning around to give him a proper smirk to go along with the remark. She was still halfway out of the jumpsuit, but luckily her hair was long enough to provide a little strategic modesty. That still didn't keep Daniel from averting his eyes with a hand raised, before mumbling something to himself and making a hasty, stumbling exit.
Laughing to herself, Vala reached for her new clothes happily. "Much better than these drab military ensembles," she said appreciatively.
--
"Daniel, are you sure about this? I mean, it was a long time before we even took Teal'c out in public, and even bald, gold, and tattooed he was still a lot more normal than she is," Sam whispered to Daniel as SG-1 headed to his office.
She and Daniel, both in jeans and tee-shirts, were walking slightly ahead of Teal'c and Mitchell, who were also in their civvies - Teal'c's ensemble completed with one of the many hats O'Neill had given him over the years, in this case a baseball cap with Yoda embroidered on it.
"It's just lunch, Sam," Daniel said reasonably, knocking before swiping his key card and opening the door. For reasons he'd prefer not to analyze at the moment - or any moment in the near future - he seemed prone to jumping to Vala's defense if anyone else had anything remotely disparaging to say about her… that dubious honor fell to him and him alone.
"Finally!" Vala exclaimed as she saw them. "What exactly do you all put on under those clothes that takes so long?"
"Clearly a lot more than you've got on," Cameron couldn't help but contribute. Sam shot him a disapproving look, although she'd been thinking along similar lines.
"You went to all the trouble to steal my credit card to buy clothes and you didn't bother to get something that fit?" Daniel asked, taking in the tight red tank top that left a strip of bare skin between itself and the even tighter jeans she was wearing.
"First of all, I didn't steal your credit card, darling, I was merely borrowing it without permission while you weren't here to ask, because I knew that if you were here to ask, you're much too kind, generous, sweet, and handsome to say no to such a simple, innocuous, pithy little request," she rattled off quickly. "Second of all, I had a little trouble figuring out those complicated sizing charts. Thirdly, I fail to see the appeal to wearing a black tee-shirt every single day of my life, so whenever an opportunity presents itself to do otherwise, you can be sure that I'm going to seize it - unlike you and your little twin there," she nodded at Mitchell, who, like Daniel, was still wearing a black tee-shirt with his jeans. "And lastly, need I remind you that I did just have a baby?" she finished heatedly.
"Exactly!" Daniel said. "Exactly," Vala echoed, both in an oddly triumphant tone that suggested each thought they'd just won the conversation.
"All right, kids, let's just go eat," Sam interrupted, shooing them both towards the elevator. She caught the amused look that passed between Teal'c and Daniel, and mouthed, "What?" to Teal'c, who merely gave her a mild smile and made no effort to respond. She narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously but followed him onto the elevator nonetheless.
---
"So, what happened to the lizard after they were done experimenting with it?" Vala asked loudly as they waited to be seated at a casual restaurant near the base. "Because if you're about to tell me you set that thing loose on your fair planet after you were done with it and you've still got me on this probationary thing…"
"Shh," Daniel hissed, grabbing her elbow and tugging her into the center of the group. "Remember that detail about the you know what being a secret?"
"Oh, Daniel, don't be ridiculous, of course I remember. But you've got lizards, I even saw a talking one attempting to sell insurance during commercial breaks…"
Sam wrinkled her eyebrows in a mixture of amusement and disbelief.
"… I watched a lot of television while you all were gone," Vala explained with a shrug.
"Did you enjoy the programs I recommended?" Teal'c asked.
"Yes I did, actually, and thank you. Particularly the one called 'I Love Lucy' - very aptly named, as a matter of fact. She's quite clever, you know, and I rather enjoyed her enterprising, free-thinking spirit…"
"Yes, very subtle," Cameron said as the hostess approached. "Hi there. Four adults and one very large child."
She reached for a children's menu automatically before scanning the rest of the group and realizing that he had been joking. "Oh, I'm sorry," she began, moving to put back the child's menu she'd just grabbed.
"Are those crayons?" Vala asked interestedly. "Daniel, you didn't tell me they provide crayons at restaurants," she whispered loudly in an accusatory tone, swatting his arm.
Rubbing the spot on his arm absently, Daniel took the menu and crayons from the confused hostess and offered, "She's from out of town."
---
Ten minutes later, they were all seated in a slightly cramped booth - Vala sandwiched between Daniel and Cameron on one side, Sam and Teal'c sat opposite. Although both Vala and, surprisingly, Teal'c, were thoroughly amusing themselves with the activities on the children's menu, Daniel doubted either would actually want to order off the children's menu, and was trying to get Vala to put down the crayons long enough to look at the regular menu.
"Oh, Daniel, relax," she finally said, patting Teal'c's large forearm. "I'll just have whatever he's having."
"Great," Daniel said. "Then Sam can explain to us how it's remotely physically possible to fit a Teal'c-sized meal into your-sized stomach."
"And then we can have Dr. Lam introduce you to another little thing we have here called a stomach pump," Cameron added.
Vala turned to Sam for an explanation of the mechanics of a stomach pump, opened her mouth to ask, then frowned as Sam slid out of the booth to answer the ringing phone she was pulling out of her pocket. "Teal'c, get me a drink will you," she called absently as she headed off towards the restrooms for some privacy, not waiting for a response.
"I've heard that song on her little phone before," Vala said, clearly thinking out loud.
"How much television did you watch?" Cameron asked.
"I'm nearly halfway through Teal'c's DVD collection. Speaking of which," she said, turning to Teal'c again. "You must have requested your share of the loot in the form of DVDs. And candles, I suppose. I'd like to request mine in clothes, makeup… oh, and I saw a commercial for something called a 'Chia pet,' I believe. I'd like one of those very much."
"The majority of the DVDs in my collection were given to me by my fellow teammates once I had exhausted the base's library," Teal'c said. "And most of them came from General O'Neill. I do not believe he will be interested in purchasing clothing or makeup for you."
"Oh, that's all right," Vala said dismissively, patting Daniel's arm. "That's what Daniel's for, isn't it?"
"Actually no," Daniel chimed in, taking her crayon and opening the adult menu on top of the roller-skating hot dog she was coloring.
"Where did I hear that song?" Vala asked no one in particular.
"The last time Sam's phone rang?" Cameron asked.
"No. Well, yes, of course. But apart from that. And didn't her phone ring a different tune when you called her the other night, Daniel?"
"You can set most cell phones to ring differently for different pre-programmed numbers, so that you know who's calling. For instance, on both my phone and Sam's, when Teal'c calls, it plays the theme from Star Wars, his favorite movie. Mitchell was trying to be funny the other day and programmed mine to play the theme from 'Top Gun' when he calls me," Daniel explained, pointing to the menu. "Now read."
"You're going to give yourself an ulcer if you don't learn to relax, you know," Vala remarked, patting him on the cheek.
"And that was both awesome and hilarious," Cameron added.
"Not as funny as what Teal'c's got his phone set on when you call," Daniel said.
Cameron turned to Teal'c. Teal'c looked at him steadily for a moment and said evenly, "Rhinestone Cowboy."
"Oh, that is just wrong!" Mitchell objected.
This time, before Vala could ask them to explain, their waitress appeared, notepad and pen in hand, smile firmly in place. "Can I take your drink orders?"
"Our other companion will have a diet soda, and I would like ginger ale," Teal'c said.
"Ginger ale? I don't suppose that's anything like the ale we had in…" Vala started. Daniel kicked her foot under the table. She shot him a look.
Before she could say anything else, Cameron said, "Iced tea for me, and a Shirley Temple for Pigtails here."
"Same here," Daniel said. At the look from Teal'c, he clarified, "Ah, the tea, not the Shirley Temple."
He gave a long-suffering smile to the waitress as Mitchell gave a discreet chuckle and Vala joined in, less discreetly.
"And an onion blossom," Teal'c added.
The waitress nodded and left after promising to return shortly with their drinks. "What's an onion blossom?" Vala asked as soon as they were alone. "And Daniel, remind me to teach you how to kick properly later."
"I know how to kick, I just made the mistake of trying not to actually hurt you."
"They're still fighting?" Sam asked Teal'c, giving Daniel and Vala an indulgent smile as she returned to the table.
"Well, you certainly seem to have had a nice phone call," Vala remarked. "Who in the world were you speaking with?"
This time Daniel kicked her much harder, surprising her to the point that she jumped, banging her knee on the underside of the table in the process. "See?" Daniel asked innocently, as Sam cleared her throat and Teal'c said, "An onion blossom is an appetizer that I believe you will enjoy, Vala. The onion is cut in such a way as to resemble a flower, fried, seasoned, and served with a delicious dip."
"House specialty," the waitress chimed in as she returned and passed their drinks around.
Vala, fascinated with the uncharacteristically detailed description from Teal'c, rested her chin against a fist and asked, "Really? That does sound interesting."
Vala was successfully diverted - her attention span was so short that Daniel had been mildly surprised she'd come out of her psychiatric evaluation without a prescription for ADD medication. But Mitchell, who was also rather random himself, was less distracted, as the intricacy of their menus was understandably far less fascinating to him.
"Sam, what song does your phone play when Daniel calls you?" he asked.
"Indiana Jones," she said automatically, taking a sip of her soda. "Cassie went a little nuts with all our phones last summer."
"I'm interested to meet this Cassie person you're always talking about. She sounds like fun!" Vala declared.
"I'm sure she'd be thrilled to meet you, too," Sam said, sounding less than thrilled with the possibility herself. The two of them together would quickly spiral out of control - they could probably single-handedly boost the economy in a single Saturday at the mall.
"Where is she? At school somewhere, I believe Daniel said?"
"Yes," Sam answered, with a pointed smile that would have ended the conversation with most people. Luckily her phone rang again, and she was glad to escape again.
"Of course! That's from that cartoon you like, Teal'c! With the funnily drawn yellow people!"
"Indeed," Teal'c said, nodding at her, as Daniel shushed her.
Several people were looking over at them in response to her loud exclamation. The waitress returned with their onion blossom, which Teal'c and Vala both dug into eagerly as she started taking their orders.
"Anybody know what Sam wants?" Mitchell asked.
"I believe she wants to talk on the phone," Vala remarked around a mouthful of onion blossom. "Mmm! You were right, darling, this is incredible!"
"I meant to eat," Mitchell continued, ignoring her as best he could.
"She'll have a grilled chicken Caesar," Daniel said. "Same for me, please, with a bowl of soup."
Cameron jumped in next. "I'll have the biggest mushroom Swiss burger you've got back there, fries and the house salad."
"I would like the chicken fried steak with mashed potatoes and the vegetable medley, a bowl of soup, and an order of chicken wings."
"O…kay," the waitress said, scribbling everything down quickly.
Daniel nudged Vala, who retaliated by wiping her fingers on his sleeve, before smiling hugely at the waitress and asking, "What exactly is a buffalo wing?"
"You get a basket of them with ranch sauce and…"
"I thought buffalo weren't poultry…" Vala said quietly to Daniel, but nowhere near quietly enough.
He leaned in towards her and said, out of the side of his mouth, "It's just little pieces of chicken."
"But then why…"
"They're named after the place where the sauce was invented, Buffalo New York."
"Really?" Vala, Mitchell, and the waitress all asked together.
"How do you know this stuff, Jackson?" Cameron asked.
"Vala, just order," Daniel muttered.
"All right, Daniel. No need to get all… clenched… again." She squeezed Daniel's arm and leaned around him toward the waitress, adding to her in a stage whisper, "You'll have to excuse him. He's been very tense since the last time we had sex. Tried to have sex, I should say, and it was simply ages ago. He's got the stage fright now and…"
"Aw, you poor thing," the waitress said, looking at Daniel with pity.
He just banged his forehead on the table and let out a muffled, "Someone order for her and then shoot her."
Mitchell started to order something basic, but Vala waved a hand at him absently and said, "I believe I'll have the 'chicken fingers,' which of course are not really fingers. See, Daniel, I know what I'm doing." She rubbed his back absently as she continued ordering. "Now, I see that it comes with French fries, but I'd like to substitute that for the spaghetti if I might. Oh, and instead of corn-on-the-cobb, which sounds vaguely dirty - don't you think? - I'll have the… mushed potatoes."
"Mashed potatoes," Cameron and Teal'c chorused.
"Yes, my mistake," Vala said, smiling sweetly as she handed over the menu. "Oh. And some of those buffalo wings as well."
Daniel let out a strangled sort of growling sound as the waitress left, before finally lifting his head. He gave Vala what he hoped was a withering glare, but she was already coloring with Teal'c again. He leaned back against the booth so he could see Mitchell around Vala, and remarked, "You know, I think it's probably a very good thing I never had children."
"Aw, you're a natural, Jackson," Mitchell said, patting him on the shoulder. "Anyway, one of her's got to be like… having triplets all hyped up on candy at once."
"Thank you, Colonel Mitchell," Vala said with such well-affected sincerity that he couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic or not.
Sam joined them again. "Sorry about that, guys. Did you order already?"
"Yes, and it was very enlightening," Vala said, nudging Daniel. "Budge up."
"Why?"
"Because unless you'd like a lap dance in a restaurant claiming to be a family establishment, I need to get past you."
"Again. Why?"
"I need to go to the toilet, if you must know. You're very nosey, you know."
"Oh, I'm nosey… fine." He slid out of the booth and gave her a hand up, then sat back down. Vala was still standing next to him, tapping her foot and looking at Sam pointedly.
"What?" Sam finally asked.
"According to everything I've learnt so far, we're supposed to go together."
"Oh for cryin out loud…" Sam muttered, then shot a look to Teal'c automatically and warned, "Don't say it." She got up yet again and headed off to the women's restroom with Vala, muttering, "Now I know what a yo-yo feels like."
"What's a yo-yo?" Vala asked curiously.
"It's a toy, with a long string and two… I have one in my lab, I'll just show it to you later." They entered the bathroom, and Sam decided she might as well wash her hands again while she was in here.
"So, we're supposed to talk about feminine things in here and… powder our noses, I believe?"
"Neither of us brought purses in here," Sam pointed out. "And, no offense, but I don't think you've quite grasped the concept of discretion yet."
"I was just curious about who you keep speaking with, and why you all seem to be trying your best to keep poor Colonel Mitchell in the dark about it."
"We're not intentionally trying to exclude him, it's just… Daniel, Teal'c and I have been like family for a really long time. They're like brothers to me, both of them.And we're all naturally really private people so we're just not… comfortable enough yet, with either of you, to…"
"So despite all of his hyper-masculine bravado, Colonel Mitchell's not quite in your little Stargating club yet either?"
"I guess you could put it that way. I mean, I'd prefer it if you didn't, to him, because we all do really like him - I guess he's sort of like a favorite cousin or something, but…"
"I understand," Vala said, pulling down way too many paper towels from the roll to dry her hands. "Well, this is a ridiculous device," she said absently, drying her hands with the bunch of coarse towels and turning her attention quickly back to Sam. "And for the record, your secret is generally safe with me. Although someday I would like to meet your goddaughter. And whoever it is that's such a big fan of 'The Simpsons.'" She flounced over to the door and yanked it open, turning back to wait for her with a big smile.
"Um…"
Still smiling, Vala made the apparently universal motion for zipping your lips, and put the imaginary key in her pocket.
"I've got to change that ringtone," Sam muttered as she followed Vala out the door, heading back toward their table.
---
As their plates were all cleared away at the end of the meal, Vala snatched up the bill, smiling at everyone. "Thank you all for helping me celebrate the official stamp of approval on my mental status."
"Vala?" Daniel prompted.
"Yes, darling?"
"Aren't you forgetting something?"
"No, I don't think so, why?"
"You have no money. Your treat is actually mine, remember?"
Vala pulled his credit card out of the back pocket of her jeans and waved it in front of him. "See? Like I said, my treat."
He snatched the credit card out of her hand, then grabbed the check as well. "STOP picking my pockets. Your probationary status can easily be revoked, you know."
"Yes, but Daniel, if you report me for a little minor thing like that, it's just going to make General Landry lose all confidence in your opinion, and we can't have that, now can we?"
He opened his mouth to respond, but found himself, once again, verbally defeated by her. "Ah, it's just like Hepburn and Tracy," Cameron said wistfully as they all got up to leave.
Daniel scowled at him.
Sam and Teal'c exchanged amused looks as they followed the rest of the group out of the restaurant. In the parking lot, Sam gave Daniel a sympathetic hug and said, "Thanks for lunch, Daniel. Bye everyone, see you on Monday."
They chorused goodbyes as she headed to her own vehicle. "I wouldn't think she'd drive a big gas guzzler like that," Mitchell remarked as they all piled into Daniel's car.
"Well, back to the base everyone!" Daniel said, a little too loudly.
"We can't go back to the base now!" Vala called from the backseat as he started the car. "Teal'c is going to give me driving lessons!"
"Oh, he is? In my car, I suppose, although I'm sure that's another of those minor little things that seem irrelevant to you."
Surprisingly, it was Teal'c who answered. "Indeed."
Daniel and Mitchell, who was in the passenger seat up front, exchanged tired looks. "I think we're caught in an alien conspiracy," Daniel observed.
Mitchell nodded. "Yup. That seems about right."
---