A Bum and a Wedding

Harry Potter woke up the next morning to the sound of a screaming woman. This sound however did not alarm Harry very much since he had woken up to a similar sound for the first eleven years of his life.

"-coming home drunk as a skunk! And on your own wedding day!" shrieked Mrs. Weasley at the poor slumping corps that was Bill Weasley.

"Could you keep your voice down mother!" pleaded Bill desperately. "I've got a headache that kills. Besides it was just a spot of fun before the big day."

"A spot of fun! Arthur found all three of you passed out in the garden last night! He had to levitate the lot of you in the house at the crack of dawn. Mind you this was all after he came home from an exhausting day at the office!"

"So now you're going to blame us for dad working late?" asked Ron indignantly.

"Don't you dare open your mouth Ronald Weasley! This is your fault for dragging your brother out the night before his wedding! I had high hopes for you ever since you became a prefect. I thought you'd make something of yourself, I thought you'd finally do something good in this world. Now imagine my surprise when you came home telling me you're not going back to school this year, talking your hoodlum language, getting drunk and sleeping in gardens!"

"A guy sleeps among the flowers one time and he can never live it down!" said Ron furiously. "Besides this whole thing was Harry's idea."

"I'm sorry Mrs. Weasley," said Harry timidly while shuffling his feet.

Mrs. Weasley turned to Harry very slowly in all her furry. She looked him squarely in his green eyes. Instantly her face softened.

"Oh it's quite alright Harry dear. After all boys will be boys. With a past like yours you should be allowed to have a little fun now and then." Mrs. Weasley then gave Harry a tight hug and turned to leave the room.

"Wait just one wand-flipping minute!" cried Ron in outrage causing Mrs. Weasley to turn around on the spot. "Harry hatches a plan to get Bill plastered the day before his wedding, buys illegal drinks, finds shady women, and keeps us out all night and Bill and I are the ones who get yelled at! Where's the justice in that? Why's he getting special treatment?"

Mrs. Weasley opened her mouth in protest but didn't get a single word out. Ron was clearly on a roll.

"You always say 'Harry's like family'. 'Harry's such a nice boy'. But you're so blinded by his 'greatness' that you can't even see the truth. Harry's been putting us all in mortal danger since the day we met him! If any of us, your actual children (he said these words quite acidly), tried to do the stuff he did, you'd beat us straight to an early grave. But you just coddle him like a baby. Let's face facts Mum! Harry's not like family to you, he's like some little pet that can do no wrong. Or some expensive toy you're afraid to break!"

Mrs. Weasley's face bore close resemblance to that of Ron's when he had been "Witch Slapped" onto the floor. She stood in stunned silence for several minutes looking first at Ron, then at Bill, and finally stopped at Harry. She opened her mouth and spoke in a somber voice.

"Harry dear, breakfast is ready for you at the table. I already made you a plate and took extra care to get that maple syrup that you like. You do like your eggs scrambled don't you?"

"Did you even listen to a word Ron said?" asked Bill seriously.

"Don't you mouth off to me Bill Weasley! Go get dressed! You don't want to be late for your big day."

Ron and Bill stared at Mrs. Weasley with wide eyes. After a moment, Bill threw up his hands and went upstairs to get ready for the day he'd finally take his wolf-mate.

"Getting drunk the night before the wedding," she muttered to no one in particular. "I never thought I'd see the day."

Ron slowly shook his head and also began to get ready for the "Big Event".

In the bride's dressing room 10 minutes before the ceremony...

The crying of an overly attractive French girl could be heard throughout the room.

"It'll be okay," said Ginny soothingly. "It's your wedding day Fleur. You should be happy."

"How vould I ve vappy vhen I'm verrying a vonster!" cried Fleur Frenchly.

It was Hermione's turn to offer comfort.

"I'm not really sure what you said, but every girl gets a little cold feet at her wedding. It's only natural."

"Cold veet!" cried Fleur. "Zey are not cold, zey are frozen zolid!"

"Frozen salad?" mouthed Ginny behind Fleur's back.

Hermione pressed a finger to her lips indicating that it'd be a good idea that Ginny shut her trap.

"Listen Fleur. I know you're nervous but you've got to pull yourself together! There's a man out there that you love, gosh darn it! You'll live together, have kids together, and grow old and lose your teeth together! Don't you want that? Don't you want to be happy… and toothless?"

Fleur considered this between sobs.

"Ves you are right 'ermione. Bill has veen great and I can't let him down. But what if it doesn't vwork out? What if he gets bored and leaves me for some other woman?"

"Don't you see, Fleur," said Ginny reasonably. "Bill wouldn't leave you for some cheep floozy…because… well… there's no good way to say this… you are a cheep floozy. As cheep as they come."

Suddenly Fleur's face lightened up.

"Vou are right Vinny! Bill is not zat type of man! He loves me and I love him. Ve're going to get married!"

And she rushed out of the room towards the Burrow garden where the groom patiently awaited.

Ginny and Hermione, however, were in a slight state of shock caused by Fluer's rapid change of mood.

"Did she just call me Vinny?"

In the Burrow Garden...

"What is taking so long? She should be here by now!" Bill was pacing a whole into the garden floor.

"Calm down Bill," said Harry with that same air of coolness he had used when negotiating with Blood Whiskey. "She'll come. She loves you."

"Don't try to trick me with your air of coolness! She's going to leave me here at the alter, I'll be heart broken and scared for life, and I'll never find true love again!"

"Harry was right," said Ron. "You really are quite the optimist."

"Don't you laugh at me Ron! I've heard them all talking and whispering behind my back. She's too good for him. He's a monster. That's the man who ate my little boy!" Bill seemed to be quite upset. "A few guys even went as far as to make a bet about weather she'd show or not. Now it looks like Mundungus is up 50 galleons!"

"Come on Bill!" said Harry. "You're being paranoid. Those people are just jealous. And no one's betting behind your back. That'd just be low."

He scanned the audience once more for any sign of a floor length white dress. It seemed as if being the best man had made him almost as anxious as Bill. Luckily for both of them (and unluckily for those who made poor wagers) the bride had finally arrived.

"Look Bill, there she is. I told you she'd come."

"Crap!" said Ron under his breath as he slipped Harry 10 galleons behind Bill's back.

From there on out the ceremony went on normally. Most of you have been to a wedding so I'll just give you the highlights.

"I do," said Fluer.

"I do," said Bill.

Bill and Fluer kiss. Everyone cheers and throw rice (even though they can kill birds with that stuff). Death Eaters attack. Death Eaters give their congratulations to the bride and groom. Death Eaters are fought off. The wounded are hospitalized. The dead are buried. Someone's Uncle embarrasses them by getting drunk at the reception.

Burrow Garden, Post-Reception...

Harry and Ginny walked side by side, basking in the moonlight and in each other's company.

"It was a wonderful ceremony don't you think?" asked Ginny deciding to break the awkward yet somehow comfortable silence.

"Yeah, it really was. Bill and Fluer sure did look happy."

"I know. I couldn't help but cry. I hope you didn't see me. I always cry at weddings."

Harry gave Ginny an odd look.

"What do you mean you hope I didn't see you? I went to comfort you and you were crying all over me. Then you started kissing me blindly. Before I knew it you were straddling me and trying to-"

"Weddings are so happy. I just can't help but cry a bit. I want my wedding to be exactly like that one."

"Really? I mean between the drunken uncles and the bride nearly M.I.A. I figured the whole thing was a little crazy. By the way, I'm sorry about all that Death Eater attack business. I have a bad habit of taking my work home with me."

"You see!" said Ginny pointedly. "That's exactly what's wrong with you, Harry Potter. You can't see the big picture. A few things go wrong and you're ready to call it a disaster. You're not flexible."

"What do you mean not flexible? I can hold the splits for 17 minutes and 53 seconds!"

"Really?" asked Ginny in awe. "Where'd you learn to do that? Forget it. The point is you don't know how to accept things for what they are." She looked pointedly at him hoping desperately that talking and looking pointedly would finally get the point across.

"I see things as exactly what they are! You're a girl. The grass is green. Voldemort's evil. My broom goes fast. Do I need to say more?"

"No Harry," said Ginny heatedly, "because you don't get it at all. You have people who love you Harry. There are people who are willing to die for you. And you're too selfish to accept their help. You think it's all you and nobody else. Has it ever occurred to you that someone might need to help you Harry. Someone might actually need to love you. That I need to be there by your side!"

"Actually the thought has crossed my mind a few times while I was in the shower. I kinda thought it was just the fumes from my shampoo going to my head… get it? Going to my head."

Tears were welling in Ginny's bright brown eyes.

"I pour my heart out to you and all you can do is crack shampoo jokes? I don't even know why I bother with you."

"Look," said Harry slowly. "I'm sorry Ginny. I just don't know how to handle these overly angst filled, dramatic, and emotional situations. What do you want from me?"

"You know what I want from you Harry."

Harry looked her dead in the eyes. His look showed such depth of emotion that the world around the two of them ceased to exist. There only was Harry and Ginny, like Adam and Eve before them. When Harry spoke, his words shook the very foundation of Ginny's soul.

"Could you refresh my memory?"

Ginny let out a sob.

"Please, take me with you Harry." Her voice sounded like that of a small child desperately pleading with their parents. It was sad. It was depressing. It was a little freaky, like something out of the exorcist. But most of all, it broke Harry's heart.

"I can't Ginny. I can't risk loosing you forever."

"But that's exactly what's going to happen. If you leave now Harry, we're finished. I love you Harry, but I can't wait for you."

"Don't do this Ginny… I love you!"

Ginny began to walk back towards the house tears now silently falling from her eyes.

"I'm not doing anything Harry. You're doing it to yourself."

With that she went back into the house and out of Harry's life.

Harry had finally found someone who he loved and now she was gone forever. He sat in the garden thinking on this for a long time. He cried, laughed hysterically, fell on the ground hugging himself in the fetal position, and went back to thinking. Three hours later he finally had a rational thought that summed up his feelings perfectly.

"I'm going to kill Bill!" he yelled loudly into the night.

There comes a point in every young man's life when he realizes that life isn't quite what he thought it would be. There comes an even more monumental point in a young man's life when he realizes that life will probably never be exactly what you want it to be. There comes an even more detrimental moment in every young man's life when he realizes that no matter how lazy the police are in your area, Murphy's law is well enforced.

Harry James Potter was at that point.

"Are you sure there's nothing here?" asked Harry to his two friends. He couldn't accept the fact that after all this planning and decision making nothing was there.

"We've been over this," said Hermione impatiently. "There is nothing here."

"Yes, I understand that completely... but are you absolutely, with out a doubt, 100 positive that there is nothing here."

"It's just a pile of rubbish, mate," said Ron as he gestured to the demolished remains of Godric's Hollow. "Why even the trash has been trashed."

"Don't you think I know that!" said Harry irritably. You'd probably be irritable too if your only clue as to how to save the world was lying in front of you in a heap of rubble.

"Then why'd you ask?" came a familiar voice from behind them.

"Potter team!" yelled Harry. "Formation Alpha!"

The trio quickly turned around, instantaneously whipping out their wands and preparing to strike.

"Ow!" yelled Neville Longbottom, who had been at the receiving end of the wands. Hermione's had poked him directly in the left eye. "What'd you do that for?"

"Oh sorry Neville!" cried Hermione. "I knew we should have practiced the Alpha formation more… Harry kept telling me over and over again that I was overextending. And look what I've done… oh woe is me!"

"It's alright," said Neville waving a dismissive hand. He'd been through much worse in his 17 years of life and he expected much more pain to come. "But, don't you think that last line was a little overdramatic?"

"Never mind that," said Ron in a voice that poorly imitated an old detective show. "I'll be asking the questions around here. See?"

"See what?"

"I'm asking the questions you filthy slob of a man."

Ron's assessment of Neville was not too far off from the truth. Neville Longbottom was not at his best these days. In short, he looked like someone had beaten him repeatedly with a wooden spatula, drug him through fresh compost, beaten him with a metal spatula, drug him through old compost, and slapped him around while calling him Sally, just for the fun of it.

"Shut up, Ron," said Hermione in quite normal tones. "What happened tpyou Neville and why are you here."

Neville took a deep breath.

"It's a long, sad story of love and heartache. Are you sure you want to hear it."

"With an introduction like that who could pass it up?" asked Harry eagerly awating the tale.

Neville had a misty look in his eyes. It was the look of the man who remembered a time, not long ago, when things made sense and his world was at peace. It was the purely romantic look of a man who simply remembered better days.

"I suppose it all started at the end of sixth year. Once again I had aided in the battle of good vs. evil and once again very few people really cared. Still I was proud of myself. I'd fought a good fight and never backed down. Sure I spent most of the time lying on the floor and crying for my grandmother, but before that I had been heroic.

With the death of our headmaster a heavy weight weighed upon my heart, as heavy weights often do. Yet my situation was lightened by the newly appreciated presence of an angle in my life. Yes I am referring to my flower, Luna Lovegood. We had both been alone for so long and I was beginning to lose hope that I'd ever find the one girl for me. But then she blew into my life like a grain of sad blows into one's eye on a windy day at the beach.

We had little in common, me being a plant geek and her being slightly insane. But one thing bound us together. She was sad and lonely. I was sad and lonely. But together, we were sad and lonely together. It was love at first sight."

Hermione arched an eyebrow.

"How could it be love at first sight? You've known each other for two years!"

"Well it was love at some odd number of sights. Anyways, we were made for each other. The first week of summer was bliss. Basking in the sun (of course I was sun burned horribly), hunting for snoracks (an invisible one bit my left pinky toe), and just relaxing in the comfort of each other's arms (I'm allergic to her perfume). It was the best week of my life.

But all good things must come to an end. The next weekend I invited her over to meet my granny. There something happened that changed my life forever… or at least for the remainder of the summer.

To make a longer story shorter, Gran disliked Luna. She disliked her a lot. Luna was upset at me for not standing up for her when she said that snoracks exist. She said that she was going off to Auror Academy and joining the war. When I didn't say I'd come too, she called me a spineless chicken and left without saying goodbye. When my grandmother found out I wasn't going to Auror Academy she called me a spineless chicken as well. She also beat me repeatedly with a wooden spatula, drug me through fresh compost, beat me with a metal spatula, drug me through old compost, and slapped me around while calling me Sally, just for the fun of it. Then to add insult to injury, she kicked me out of the house and disowned me.

I've been living in this pile of rubble ever since."

"And you smell like it," said Ron as tactfully as he could.

"I know." Neville hung his head in shame.

Hermione had an expression on her face, which clearly meant something was left unanswered.

"But why are you so against Auror Academy? I mean you took to the D.A. like a fish to water."

"I never want to be an Auror!" said Neville fiercely. "They're the ministries lapdogs, having no mind of their own. I've heard stories of Aurors being forced to kill innocent people. If they were to refuse they'd be killed themselves. My parents were good at it and look where it got them!"

"But Neville," cried Hermione. "You need training. We all do. Just look at our formation alpha! You think we can stand up to Death Eaters like that?"

"I don't care! As far as I'm concerned, I'd rather die than set foot in that place."

"But don't you want Luna back?" asked Ron.

"Not that much."

"Don't you want your grandmother's respect again?" asked Hermione.

"I've managed just fine without it."

Harry had listened to the conversation so far with a burning look in his eyes. He had something on his mind that few men will ever understand and no man should ever have to. If any of the others had bothered to look at him just then, they would have likely been scared out of their minds. When he finally spoke, his voice was quiet and unnaturally deep.

"Don't you want to kill that conniving witch who drove your parents insane?"

Neville's face instantly changed. He was no longer the clumsy yet loveable boy we've all grown to love and trip over. His face turned to that of a man ready to commit murder. He said two words, the only words that were truly needed.

"How far?"

"What?" asked the heroic trio. Apparently a few more words were needed after all.

"How far to the Auror Academy?"

And with that our heroes (plus Neville) headed to the Auror Academy to get some much-needed training and a much-needed shower.