Back to School

or

The Trubles of Fine Print

There is a quaint little town off the cost of Mexico where men and women delight in the cool of the ocean breeze. On a summer day like this one, the children frolic playfully up and down the beach while building sand castles and "not touching" each other. It is a Saturday and almost all work has ceased. The men have retired for the day to spend some quality time with their families. The women play with the young children while dinner still bakes in the oven. It is a quiet and happy life here.

It is also here that Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Neville stopped for breakfast burritos while waiting for the Auror Academy to open.

"You know," said Neville between sloppy bites. "This place ain't all that bad. A guy could get used to living under the warming sun, enjoying a breakfast burrito, and feeling the cooling gusts of the calming wind. Apparition sure is nice."

"You're right Neville," stated Harry. Then he paused. Everyone expected him to say something else and he expected someone else to say something. There was a silence that was filled with extreme awkwardness. Five minutes went by and Harry couldn't take it any longer.

"Uh… apparition is very nice… it is. I, uh, always wondered why people spend their whole lives living at home when they could travel the world like this. Look at Ron's parents for example."

"Don't bring my family into this, Potter!" said Ron with a defensive tone that can only be achieved through years of ridicule. After all, the Weasley family doesn't have the greatest reputation among the wizarding community of England.

There was a silence in which even more awkwardness occurred. Ron was staring heatedly at Harry. Neville and Hermione were staring nervously at Ron. Harry was staring nervously at a rock by Ron's shoe. The rock was existing nervously by Ron's shoe.

Not So Fantastic Beasts and What Scares the Crap Out of Them (unabridged) has this to say on that matter:

The Mexican Screaming Rock is a unique and potentially boring beast. It lives it's long lifespan on jagged mountain ranges, on the coast of beaches, and more commonly on the ocean flour. It's exterior is a hard encasing shell that looks no different from regular rocks. It's interior is a gelatinous form that is remarkably similar to the human brain. Despite the long living nature of the Mexican Screaming Rock (MSR), it is not often that you will see one reach full maturity. The MSR is born into a life of immobility where its only means of transportation are the wave of the ocean and the wind. Its rock hard body protects it from potential predators. However, when moved rapidly the gelatinous interior collides into the tough exterior and often results in the death of the MSR. For this reason, Mexican Screaming Rocks fear careless humans who happen to be wearing shoes for it is very likely that they will be kicked. Humans are just naturally cruel like that.

Ron, in his anger, found himself in a very cruel mood. What better to take it out on than a rock? He wounded up for the kick and let her fly. His foot contacted with the rock and a blood curling scream ripped through the air as the helpless Mexican Screaming Rock was sent flying.

Once again there was a silence among the group. This time it was of a shocked nature. Everyone exchanged looks and suddenly burst out laughing.

"Who would have saw that coming?" asked Ron through bursts of laughter.

"I know!" said Harry. He was just happy to have the tension relieved.

Neville really had nothing to add, so he just nodded while smiling painfully. The rock had grazed his forehead as it flew off into the distance. Hermione was laughing falsely in an attempt to restrain herself from lecturing Ron about cruelty to animals. The quadruped (how else do you say group of four in one word?) apparated to the Ministry of Magic building feeling better than they had in a long time.

"I feel better than I have in a long time," said Harry as he walked into the Ministry of Magic building.

"I can't wait to begin training," chimed Neville with a fever in his eyes.

Ron and Hermione were staring at Neville with a look that may have indicated fear. Harry didn't seem to notice.

The quadruped walked up to the receptionist desk only to find that the receptionist was quite busy. The war had taken its toll on the old MoM and it was clear that things were moving pretty fast.

"Excuse me miss," said Harry kindly.

The receptionist ignored him.

"Can I ask a question?" The receptionist continued to ignore. "Where is the Auror Academy? Are you even listening? What do they pay you for anyways?"

The receptionist seemed more than a little ticked at Harry's questions and violently pointed at a sign posted on the desk entitled Auror Academy. On that sign it said the following:

Has your life been hectic lately? Has the war got you down? Are you tired of those pesky Death Eaters trying to push you around? Fed up with sitting around while your friends and love ones suffer?

Then we've got the perfect solution for you! Join the Auror Academy!

Here at the Auror Academy, we'll train you into a one-wizard killing machine! You'll be able to amaze your friends with your marvelous butt kicking skills and have fun doing it!

But it's not all fun and games here at the AA. Through our expert teachings, you'll learn how to act correctly in stressful situations and to take control of your life. Still not convinced? Then read the following success stories!

"Before I joined the AA, I was a pathetic waste of flesh," says random bum we found off the streets. "I couldn't cast the simplest of defense spells. My wife left me for another man who she said was manlier than I could ever be and my oldest child spit on me and called me useless. But now that I'm a graduate of the Auror Academy my life has made a turn for the better. I can now cast some of the most advanced spells known to man. Even the beginnings of a patronus! Sure it still gets lonely at night, but at least now I have a clean place to sleep!"

"The AA is like a family to me," says a previous student. "By that I mean, the AA is vindictive and painfully manipulative, but in a loving way. Their brutal training tacticts turned me into the man I am today."

"Before I found the AA, my life had no meaning," says a mentally disturbed Auror. "I had no friends, no motivation, and no purpose. While I still haven't found any friends, The Auror Academy has finally given me a purpose in life: To end the purposeless lives of others."

"Free food with room and board? I'm in!" –Professional Hobo

"It didn't permanently scar me for life. Just temperarily" -AA drop out

"There are more painful experiences in this world, but not many" –AA graduate

"I finally found out what it's like to kill a man… haven't slept since" –Traumatized Insomniac

If these miraculous success stories still have not convinced you maybe the opinion of some popular figures in our society will.

"I hate war… but I support our armies!" –Lead singer of the Weird Sisters

"The Auror Academy can have my autograph any day!" –Gilderoy Lockhart

"With the war looming heavily upon us it is important, now more than ever, for us to unite together and promote peace. In order to do that, we need more military power. That's why I support the Auror Academy" –Minister of Magic, Rufus Srimgeour.

Are you very interested in the AA, but just don't think you qualify?

Well think again because the AA is ridiculously easy to get into. We're excepting anybody. You don't need to be pureblood! You don't even have to be half-blood! Heck, as long as you have the ability to hold a wand (or a wooden object that looks like one) We Want YOU!

So if you're looking to learn how to defend yourself or just need a cheep place to stay, the Auror Academy is the only way to save your day!

The sign then scrolled down to give directions to the Academy accompanied with a small array of fine print.

"It scrolled on its own! It's like magic!" cried Neville to the embarrassment of everyone present.

Students of the Auror Academy are required to serve 2 years of military service after graduation. During these years, students denounce all rights to freedom, justice, and all other such democratic concepts and principals. The Auror Academy does not promote senseless violence or killing, but at convenient times we're willing to look the other way. Food and housing is not free. A bill will be charged to you after your time at the academy is completed.

"The ministry's getting kind of desperate, don't you think?" asked Hermione quietly.

The four-o of teens looked at each other, shrugged, and began to walk towards the academy. When they reached the appropriate place, they spotted another desk with another receptionist stationed at it.

"Hello," said Harry politely. "Is this the place where you sign up for the Auror Academy?"

The receptionist said nothing.

"Why aren't you listening to me? You lazy sack of crap! I'm sick and tired of being ignored! I'm Harry freaking Potter! I've saved countless people's lives countless amounts of times, so when I want a little attention I think I have the right to get it! Especially when it's the person who I want attention from job to pay me some ever-loving attention!"

The receptionist pointed to a pile of papers on the desk that read: Auror Academy Sign-Up Sheets.

"Oh." Said Harry in a surprised tone of voice. "Is this going to be one of those stupid reoccurring jokes? I only ask because it's really not all that funny."

No one answered his question. The rest of the group just grabbed their paper and began to fill it out. The sign-up sheet looked a little like this:

Name:

Age:

Species:

Hair color:

Favorite Color Crayon:

Are you or have you ever been a Death Eater?

Have you had any previous training in fields of magic?

Do you know anyone who has had previous training in fields of magic?

Have you ever stood next to someone who has had previous training in fields of magic?

If so, was that person any good?

Have you ever seen actual magic being preformed?

Do you think all magicians need to say the words "abracadabra"?

Were you loved as a child?

Etcetera and so on and so forth. The point is, our fantastic four managed to fill out the paper and were instantly taken to their first class. When they reached the class they were instantly in for a surprise.

"Professor Moody!" Ron yelled in… surprise. "Who would have thought you'd be our teacher… again!"

"It's really not that big of a surprise Ron," said Hermione evenly. "There weren't very many options. It was either going to be Moody, Tonks, Kingsly, or some OC and Merlin knows we've seen enough of those to last a lifetime."

"But why do you have to say 'Merlin knows'?" asked Ron, once again bringing up that interesting yet pointless point. "The phrase is 'God knows' and God knows that's what we should be saying. I just don't get it."

Hermione was saved from having to give a rebuttal as Moody grew impatient and began to speak.

"Take a seat you dirty, yellowbellied, wide eyed cockatudes!"

Harry, Ron, and Neville jumped out of their skins and rushed to take their seats. Hermione, however, didn't appreciate being called names and took her good sweet time.

"When did he turn into a cowboy?" she whispered into Ron's ear making him audibly giggle.

"Something funny Weasley?"

"No sir…"

"Then why are you laughing?"

"I don't know sir."

"Did I give you permission to laugh?"

"No sir…"

"Then you laughed without permission boy?"

Ron was silent.

"Well, did you?"

"Yes sir."

Moody raised his wand high over his head and brought it down with a slashing movement. There was a loud bang and everyone turned to look over at Ron. He was a parakeet.

"Constant Vigilance!" barked Moody. "If Mr. Weasley had been paying attention instead of cowering in fear, he may have been able to block my attack. But now he's a parakeet and he can't even block a rabid squirrel." Then for good measure he threw in another "Constant vigilance!"

"Aurors must be prepared for anything at anytime in anyplace with anybody anywhere at anytime! You must have reflexes better than cats, you must have a bark that could scare a cat, and a bite that could hurt a cat! This is no game kiddies! This is the real deal!"

"But I'm 45 years old," said a man in the back. Moody swiftly turned him into a penguin.

"I know some of you may have had a fake version of me in the classroom before. You know that under normal circumstances I'd be kind and gentle with you all, but this ain't no game of musical chairs! From here on out things are gonna get rough and by the time you leave here you'll be a better person for it." He paused and took a short breath. Then he smiled at his students.

"Now does anybody have any questions or objections?"

For a while it seemed as if no one was brave enough to answer him. But there was one bushy headed girl whose factorial fury could not be denied.

"Don't you think you're being a little harsh, sir?" asked Hermione after deflecting Moody's spell with a shielding charm. "I understand that you want us to be ready for anything, but randomly attacking us is going a bit far. You act as if you own us or something."

"Actually miss, I do." There was a gasp amongst the class. "Until the end of the year, you all officially belong to me."

"But that wasn't in the contract!" cried Ginny, whose presence will be acknowledged and explained later.

"I didn't see that and I even read the fine print," said Luna dreamily. (Her presence has already been explained, but soon it'll be acknowledged as well.)

"Ahhh, but you didn't read the invisible print located directly under the fine print. You probably missed the part that says you have to pay for my retirement as well."

"Invisible Print!" yelled Hermione. "Why, that's an outrage! That can't be legal."

"I'm sorry, but you gave up your right to question the legality of the contract when you signed it. That clause was under the ultraviolet print section. It's a favorite of mine."

The room was filled with groans and protests. No one was happy to be human slaves for half of the year (assuming it's July… why not?) but they all quieted down when Moody stared turning people into ostriches. He then (quite mercifully) returned everyone to their regular forms using only one spell and began to speak.

"For the next six months you will eat, breathe, sleep, bathe, and brush your teeth with defensive techniques. But not in that order! You will be subject to random attacks at any moment that I choose. But before all of this begins we're going to divide you up into groups. After that I'll give you one free night of peace, then you're all in the dog house."

He laughed at his joke. Most of the people in the room didn't recognize it as humor at all.

"You will be divided into groups of three. Each member will have a different letter and a different task. I call it the ABC's of defense. Member A is the attack expert. They'll be in charge of mounting offensive attacks against the enemy and will be considered the group leader. Member B is the belittlement coordinator. The job of this member is to throw countless insults at the enemy in order to tear them down emotionally. If you find yourself with this job, it is your duty to make the enemy feel really really bad about themselves. And last but not least, Member C: the confusion specialist. This job is probably the most important of them all. I can't count the number of times that I've been in a situation in the field where I was outnumbered, outclassed, and low self-esteemed. The only thing that got me through these times was the uncanny power of confusion. If you can't beat them, confuse them! Now everybody situate yourselves by the people you most want to work with and I'll try and make the teams based on your decisions. And remember, teams will eat, breathe, sleep, bathe, and brush their teeth together for the next six months… and get your minds out of the gutter!"

Instead of getting their minds out of the gutter, everyone scrambled to find partners and sit by the people they would like to brush their teeth with (if you know what I mean).

"Don't sit by each other," said Hermione to Ron, Neville, and Harry. "He'll only separate us. I know it."

So the golden trio (plus Neville) scattered to the four corners of the room as Moody began to make the teams. It turned out that Hermione was right. Everyone who sat together found themselves on completely different teams. Luckily for our heroes it all worked out for the better. Harry, Ron, and Hermione wound up on the same team and so did Neville, Ginny, and Luna.

"Potter!" barked Moody harshly. "You'll be member A for your team. Granger, you're member B and Weasley, you're member C."

"Other Weasley!" he growled. "You'll be member A for your group. Longbottom, you're member B and Lovegood, you're member C."

Everyone that mattered seemed pleased enough with their set up (especially Neville since he now had a chance to rekindle the fires of love with Luna).

"Your homework for the night is to find your rooms. They're located in a maze on the first basement floor of the building. Class dismissed."

As the three amigos desperately searched for their room only one word was stuck in Harry's mind. Ginny! Why are you here?

Ok, it was five words. Five words and a question mark.