Carl: So you see, the difference between a llama and an alpaca is size and fiber quality. Llamas are usually twice the size as alpacas and seem to have a calmer disposition, and llama wool is coarser than alpaca wool.
Libby (uninterested!): Uh-huh.
Carl: Most prefer alpaca wool but many breeders have begun to improve the fiber of their llamas with a newer technique at handling their genetics.
(Libby huffs tiredly. Hurried footsteps are heard and they look to see Sheen before them. Excitable with, um, excitement.)
Sheen: Hey Libby! All set?
Libby (relieved): I sure am.
(Libby slides off the bench. Carl gets to his feet as well.)
Sheen: Cool! Hope you like awesomeness 'cause that's what I have planned for tonight! First we'll consume a ton of sugary goodness at the Candy Bar, then its off to the movies to see a double feature of explosions and wooden acting. Our sugar high will coincide well with each act so we may yell and whoop during the gun battles, and make suggestive noises during the gratuitous make out scenes!
Carl (yay!): Wow, that sounds great! We should get moving!
(Libby and Sheen exchange questioning glances.)
Libby: Um..
Sheen (frowning): What are you talking about?
Carl (not getting it): It sure sounds like it will be a very productive day!
Libby: Um, Carl...
Sheen (a tad miffed): Hey man, no one asked you to come with us! Three's a crowd y'know!
(Libby slaps threateningly at Sheen's shoulder.)
Libby: Sheen! You don't have to be rude about it! (She looks to Carl.) Listen Carl, we had this day planned just for the two of us. You understand what I'm saying, don't you?
(Carl cocks his head in confusion. Realization comes to him quickly.)
Carl (disheartened): Oh, I get it.
Libby (compromising): We can all do something cool together another time. I'm sure there's another crazy adventure just around the bends for Jimmy to get us into.
Sheen (wistfully): Ah yes, more good times are sure to come.
(Sheen and Libby clasp each other's hands and proceed to exit. Libby gives a wave to Carl.)
Libby: See you later Carl.
Sheen: Preferably not until tomorrow that is.
(Sheen and Libby walk out of sight. Carl looks pretty dejected as he walks off in the other direction.)
(CUT To INT Shot - Jimmy's Lab. We see a headshot of Jimmy looking very serious and focused. We see his big screen flashes on to show Carl is at the front steps of his clubhouse behind him.)
Carl: Hey Jimmy! You in there?
Jimmy (not turning his head): Sorry Carl, I'm in the middle of something.
Carl: Oh, well, can you still let me in? I promise I won't touch anything.
Jimmy: I'm in a bit of an anti-social mood, I'm really focused on some important matters, I'm not up for hearing babble about llamas or what inhalers are in fashion this season.
Carl (hurt): Hey! I wasn't going to talk about that stuff! You shouldn't make assumptions.
Jimmy: I'm right though, aren't I?
Carl (sad truth in his voice): Yeah, pretty much.
Jimmy (dryly): Another gold star for me.
Carl (in low disappointment): Well.. I guess I'll see you at school on Monday, or something.
Jimmy: I think that would be for the best.
(Carl saddens, he walks away in slow gloomy speed. The big screen blips to black. Jimmy turns his head to see that it is off. He smiles impishly as the camera ZOOMS out to show what he is doing. He is partaking in a game of six card cribbage with Cindy. Goddard curiously watches the chummy behavior near by.)
Jimmy: Heh, speak of the devil.
Cindy (she smiles): You were saying? (she shows her cards and moves her peg) Fourteen.
Jimmy: Okay, Carl had this sleepover planned sometime last week. (He shows his own cards and moves his peg.) Ten. (He grabs the four remaining cards for the crib.) Sure, sounds innocent enough. I'm not one to judge. (He makes eye contact with her.) But putting up flyers for it around the whole town?
Cindy (in unbelieving humor): No way! He didn't!
Jimmy: I kid you not. (He looks at the four cards.) Two. (He moves his peg.) From what I've heard, it didn't work out. He complained that all his flyers were covered up with pamphlets advertising for Yoga classes - so no one came.
Cindy: That just sounds creepy! Who indiscriminately invites total strangers to sleepovers?
Jimmy (smiling): Carl Weezer apparently.
Cindy (she smiles as well): Apparently!
(They laugh together in good humor. Merrily continuing their card game.)
(CUT TO INT Shot - Inside Carl's home. The living room. Carl watches his father read a number of vacation pamphlets spread out on the couch.)
Mr. Weezer: Wow, who knew Retroville is going to have another Medication Rodeo this year! I'm definitely going to sign up for one of the control groups. Hope I won't get stuck in the placebo category like last time; I could tell they were giving me sugar pills just by the change in my face and the horrid inflaming pain in my kidnies, y'know.
Carl (entreatingly): Dad, can't we go on a real vacation this year? Somewhere that doesn't involve being a guinea pig for medical corporations? What about that llama retreat they're having out in the country?
Mr Weezer: Now, son. Places like that are usually full of shady lurkers and countless bacterium. It's best just to stick to what we are familiar with.
Carl (exasperated): That's the same excuse you used when we wanted to go to Canada!
Mr. Weezer (semi-caught off guard): Oh, well, this time it's actually true.
Carl (exasperated): What kind of thing is that to say to your own kid?
Mr. Weezer: We only want what's best for you Carl. (His voice brightens.) Besides, its okay to lie to little kids in order to convey authority!
(Carl gapes at his father's casual admission. Mr. Weezer continues to leaf through the pamphlets.)
Carl (in angry emotion): Oh that did it. My trust in everything has now been shattered. I'm going to become a sullen youth and start smoking and cutting myself!
(Carl walks toward the front door, a hurt glare upon him. His father seems unconvinced.)
Mr. Weezer (he laughs lightly): Oh-ho, like I haven't heard that song and dance before, young man! Just be home in time for dinner.
(Carl exits. Slamming the door with full volume.)
Mr. Weezer (he sighs): Drama king.
(CUT To EXT Shot - Carl is walking toward the playground of the vacant Lindbergh School Yard. Hurt sadness marks his face.)
Carl: First my friends don't want to hang out with me, then my family admits to telling lies. Am I that difficult to be with? Does my existence repulse them so?
Unseen Deep Male Voice: Oh indeed, one's own happiness is like poison on the tongues of the masses! I have first hand experience on such a subject.
(Carl flinches as the voice startles him. He looks up to see a familiar person, from a past adventure he had with Jimmy, perched comfortably on the monkey bars. It is Dr. Sydney Moist, from the episode The Evil Beneath.)
Carl (he gasps & points at him): A villain!
Dr. Moist: It's not nice to point, lad.
Carl: I know you! You're that crazy guy who had a secret lab at the bottom of the ocean and tried to turn us all into algaemen!
Dr. Moist (flattered): Yes I did! And I must say I appreciate that you remembered my past acts of greatness.
Carl: What are you doing here? (He places his closed fists on his hips.) Finding a new place to set up your laboratory to plot new revenge?
Dr. Moist (all casual): Not likely, the ocean will always be home to me. It's the only environment where I can calculate my plans peacefully. I came ashore to get some supplies in order to rebuild my lab to its original glory. (His voice lowers with viciousness.) How it was before you meddling urchins ruined it. You realize that I'm still scrapping algae from off of my ceilings?
Carl: Yeah, well, you better think twice before trying to get revenge on Jimmy. He knows how to handle villains like you.
(Dr. Moist leaps off the monkey bars landing gracefully in front of Carl. Carl flinches nervously from him.)
Dr. Moist: Don't think I didn't hear your bitterly brief soliloquy. What do you care what happens to him, let alone the others that have mocked you? You said so yourself that your presence repulses them.
Carl: Well, I-
Dr Moist (in creepy understanding): I understand your grief, dear boy. I too was mocked for being who I am; my hobbies, my scientific work, my way of life, my skilled tapdancing.
(Dr. Moist explodes into a speedy dance number, beatboxing to the corresponding beats his tap shoes make as he dances away. Carl muses quietly at Dr. Moists remark.)
Carl: Now that you mention it, they always seemed detached whenever I try to discuss my interests to them.
Dr. Moist (he stops dancing): Friendship can be unprofitable if you allow it to be. Villainy may seem frightening but the work you complete shows the masses of what potential you truly possess. That's when people finally stop to look and listen.
Carl (he adjusts his glasses): So.. in order for people to start respecting me again, I should become some kind of villain? Is that what you're saying?
Dr. Moist (joyfully): Why, what a fine idea that is! I have always wanted an apprentice, I'd be glad to get you started if you wish.
Carl (semi-hesitant): I..I guess I could give it a try.
Dr. Moist: Excellent!
(Dr. Moist offers a hand to Carl. Carl takes it reluctantly and the two shake on it.)
Dr. Moist: I expect to see you at early sunrise at this very location, for there is much chicanery to discuss. (His voice heightens to a shout as he releases Carl's hand.) And, Black Bottom!
(Dr. Moist begins to dance away, beatboxing to the beats with great enthusiasm. Carl can only stare at this unexpected performance.)
Carl (weirded out): I don't have to bring dance shoes, do I?
(CUT To EXT Shot - Next Morning. A neat sunrise peaks out over Lindbergh school. An unseen crow caws out loudly. The camera PANS down to see Carl looking toward the school. A serious expression on his face.)
Carl: This day will be marked with change, it will be the beginning of a new way of life. For today I will cause much evil to the world. I will doodle crude drawings in library books, I will return old VHS movies without rewinding them and not pay the late fees, I will take more than one newspaper from the machine, and perhaps make obscene gestures to people of authority. (His voice heightens.) And most evil of all-
(The camera moves to get a head shot of Carl, eyes narrowed and solemn determination portray his features.)
Carl: I will procrastinate!
(Carl suddenly takes off running. Opposite of his destination to meet Dr. Moist. The squeak of his shoes can still be heard in the distance.)
(CUT To EXT Shot - Lindbergh School's Playground where Dr. Moist stands. Tired anger upon his face. He looks about in impatient frustration before kicking a pebble away from him. He snaps to attention as he sees Carl walking toward him.)
Carl (happy!): Hi there Dr. Moist, I'm here!
Dr. Moist (ticked off): Where the hell have you been? (Carl's eyes widen at the use of that certain four letter word.) I've been waiting here for hours, what took you so long to get here?
Carl: I wanted to get a good start to my villainy so I figured what could be better than heedless procrastination. First I did a Dine-and-Dash at that seedy diner and took all of their plastic forks and moist towelettes, then I went to a place that sells a bunch of magazines and read them all without buying any!
Dr. Moist (he relaxes): Hmm, if you used all that time to do such evil tasks then I guess I have no reason to be curt with you.
Carl: What do you have planned for the day, teacher?
Dr. Moist (his tone warms up quickly): Ah, how I always longed to be called that. I've been called Madman and Bedlum Bringer but never Teacher. Let's begin this day with a villainous task so you may fit into your own individual character of evil! (He regards Carl.) Anything that is particularly evil you wish to do?
Carl (he ponders this): I guess there is one thing.
(CUT TO INT Shot - A young army private bursts into an office. Eyes darting back in forth as he speaks in a worried manner.)
Army Private: General! Didn't you get the message?
(The camera CUTS to a WIDE shot out to show who he is speaking to; General Ambercrombie. He is standing near a tidy desk looking intently at a Where's Waldo? book. He gives the private a dirty look.)
General Ambercrombie: God almighty, private! Can't you see that I'm busy here? (He goes back to looking at the book, growing anger in his voice.) Where're you hiding, boy? Why don't you come out and face me? Do you take pleasure in making me suffer? You do don't you? "Ooh, look at that stupid General Ambercrombie, can't even find one person." Is that what you're thinking you four eyed son of a-
Private (pleading): Sir! We just got word that our base has been infiltrated!
(Ambercrombie looks up in shock to the private. He tosses the book onto the desk.)
General Ambercrombie: What? How could that be without the alarms going off?
Army Private: I'm not sure. But I think you should at least view the damage that was inflicted on the airfield.
(Ambercrombie turns and walks toward a window, shielded by some blinds.)
General Ambercrombie: Damn! We just paved new asphalt on the runways too!
(Ambercrombie grabs the drawstring to lift the blinds up. He gapes with mortified shock.)
General Ambercrombie: Great googily moogily!
(The runways are covered with various graffiti done with dark red paint. ROSES ARE RED, VIOLETS BRING PLEASURE, AMBERCROMBIE LIKES TO SIFT THROUGH CAT BOXES, TO FIND BURIED TREASURE. Along with some poor drawings of Ambercrombie making a stupid face with speech balloons above it stating "DUH! I SUCK!" and "THE N-MEN KICKED MY BUTT 'CUZ I'M LAME!". We also notice some large doodles of llamas around the insulting material.)
General Ambercrombie: I want clean up crew on that mess! If the navy guys show up and see this, it'll be high school all over again! (He turns his head quickly to the private.) NOW!
(CUT To EXT Shot - Inside RetroLand Park. Sheen and Libby are standing by an Out Of Service Concession stand. Other park visitors walk or skip by as laughter and screams are heard from the crowds enjoying the fun.)
Sheen: I explained to her that I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.
Libby (confused): Uh, what?
Sheen: Heh, ever wonder why we know mathematics as a violent subject? (He pauses.) Cause we often hear of mean values, cross products and warring fractions!
(Libby looks at him quizzically as Sheen grins his manic grin.)
Sheen: Hey, you know what's interesting? A biped has two legs, while a quadruped has four legs, so then a pi-ped has three point one-four-one-five-nine-seven-nine-three-two..
(Sheen continues his list of numbers. Libby rolls her eyes and turns her head.)
Libby: God..
Sheen: Six-four-three-three-eight-three-two-seven-zero..
(The camera ZOOMS out to a WIDE shot to show Jimmy and Cindy watching the both of them. Libby notices their presence and points an accusing finger at Jimmy. Sheen still babbling away with numbers.)
Libby: Okay, he's not the type to be talkin' obscure math humor. You paid him to do say that, didn't you?
Jimmy (he stifles a chuckle): Yeah, it wasn't even much anyway. It was totally worth it.
Libby: Isn't that the kind of thing you would try to get Carl to do? (She pauses.) By the way, where is he? He seemed pretty down the other day, I figured he'd be here with us.
Sheen: Five-nine-zero-two-zero-eight-one-six-three...
Jimmy (he shrugs): He wasn't home this morning. I don't have a clue where he is.
Cindy (she scoffs): Ah, who cares. Just enjoy the reality we have with one less moron obstructing our day. (She grabs Jimmy's hand. Her tone lightening.) Come on! I bet I can beat you at Skee-Ball!
Jimmy: Ha! I'd like to see you try!
Cindy (she gives a challenging smile): Care to make a wager?
Jimmy (he narrows his eyes): I'm game if you are!
(They walk off hand in hand, ready to partake in crazy fun. Libby turns to glare at Sheen as he still belts out numbers.)
Sheen: Four-seven-one-zero-eight-nine-two-six-one-five-four-nine-three..
Libby (in great annoyance): Okay, you better stop doing that.
(CUT To EXT Shot - A ferry is floating calmly on a river. The camera ZOOMS into it as we notice a bunch of uneasy looking passengers aboard. The familiar voice of Carl Weezer is heard broadcasting through a number of unseen speakers.)
Carl's voice: Attention weak minded simpletons! I have hijacked this ferry purely for my own entertainment, your uneasy fear of what I may do to you amuses me greatly!
(The camera PANS above to show Carl at the deck above the passengers. A corded radio-mic in his hand as he still speaks into it. Dr. Moist watches from a few feet away in a studying manner.)
Carl (with malice): "What will he do?" "What are his demands?" These are probably the questions ringing throughout your heads. I will give you no answers, I only wish to watch you in your little lost ways. (He walks closer to the edge of the deck to look down at the passengers) Yes, that's right! Crawl about on the lower deck like the ants that you are!
Dr. Moist (he steps forward to stand beside him): Wonderful work apprentice! (He looks down at the people; sneering maliciously.) How lost they appear to be indeed!
Carl: Thanks. (His voice lowers with worry as he looks down at the passengers.) I just hope I didn't scare them too badly.
Dr. Moist (he smirks): You shouldn't worry about their concerns. Villains don't give a lick about the comforts of their hostages.
Carl (still hesitant): I don't know, maybe I won't deviate from the usual course after all. I mean, some people need to get to work so they can take care of their families y'know.
Dr. Moist (he snarls): You can't be serious! You were doing so well!
(Carl clicks on the radio-mic to speak into it.)
Carl (his tone friendly): Attention passengers. We are now nearing Drop Point B, once we come to a full stop it would be appreciated that you exit the vessel in an orderly manner.
Dr. Moist (he crosses his arms with ire): This is not an example of villainy! Not at all!
Carl (adding quickly to the mic): Like the ants that you are.
(Carl gives a sheepish smile to Dr. Moist, who only scoffs quietly as he shakes his head.)
(CUT To EXT Shot - The ferry has docked. We notice Carl and Dr. Moist walking away from it toward a row of "Rent-It" lockers set up nearby.)
Carl: I'm sorry, teacher. I guess I'm not cut out to be a villain after all.
Dr. Moist (his tone somewhat forgiving): Now, now my good boy. Rome wasn't built in a day, I sense great ambition within you. It just needs some help to allow it to crawl out from its hole.
(They stop by a particular locker. Dr. Moist removes a key from his pocket and unlocks the lock affixed to it.)
Carl: How would that be done?
(Dr. Moist opens the locker door to take out a small briefcase. He opens it to show a number of syringe needles and vials of clear liquid inside. Carl looks at the contents uneasily.)
Dr. Moist: With a useful tool of course.
(Dr. Moist takes a syringe and one of the bottles from the briefcase. He removes the top from the vial and sticks the syringe into it to fill it up. Carl stares at this with frightened silence.)
Dr. Moist: Only a few hundred people and a certain breed of porpoise carry a rare gland in their brains. It is known as the Antagothalamus, a gland that seems to make people more evil than the regular populace. That amazing little collection of nerves secretes a chemical dubbed as Malpetal serum, which has been carefully harvested by myself during my studies of evil porpoises.
Carl (his voice cracking): I don't think I like this storyline anymore.
(Dr. Moist taps the syringe and presses the plunger to allow some of the liquid to jet out to remove any air bubbles that may still be inside.)
Dr. Moist: People administered with weekly shots of Malpetal serum complete ninety percent more acts of villainy, it's a very reliable treatment for those lacking in the ways of evil.
Carl (he looks at the needle with dread): Ah, I think I'll pass, I don't want to become a villain anymore.
Dr. Moist (mockingly): Oh? Back to the mundane existence of being taunted and mocked by the adversaries you dub as your friends? One shot of Malpetal serum will give you the confidence and skill you need to let them realize of what excellence you're meant to achieve.
Carl (in a whiny tone): I'm not sure..
Dr. Moist: Require more arm twisting don't you? Very well. (He pauses. His voice more friendly) You like llamas, don't you dear Carl?
Carl (brightening): Yeah!
Dr. Moist: You don't want to make any llamas sad would you?
Carl: Of course not.
Dr. Moist: 'Cause that would make you sad if they were sad, am I right?
Carl: Well sure.
Dr. Moist: Here's the thing, in order to prevent a number of llamas suffering from an unexpected bout of rigor mortis you need to take at least one shot of Malpetal serum in order to save them from an unfortunate fate.
Carl (unsettled): Oh.. Are you sure about that?
Dr. Moist (his other hand placed over his heart): I supply only truth, dear boy.
Carl: Oh. (He pauses as he thinks it over.) Well, if its only one shot. I guess I'll do it.
Dr. Moist (he smiles, his voice low.): There's a good lad.
(He steps toward Carl. Raising the hand wielding the Syringe needle.)
Dr. Moist: Just pull up your sleeve now.
(CUT To EXT Shot - A calm street in the neighborhood. Carl is loitering near a tree, now sporting hair that's dyed jet black and a black suit with matching black pants and shining black shoes. A defiant and sullen look upon him. He gazes boredly into the space before him. Sheen walks into view, he turns his head as he notices him.)
Sheen: Oh! Hey Carl! How's it goin'?
(Carl glances at Sheen with a complete lack of interest before resuming his stare into space as Sheen approaches him.)
Sheen: I didn't see you at school yesterday. Where have you been, man?
Carl (bitterly): I, unlike other halfwits, had better things to entertain my mind with besides the fossil teachings of monotony.
Sheen (he snickers): Heh, you faked being sick so you could watch TV right? That's always fun!
Carl (he gives an apathetic shrug): Think what you like.
Sheen (he studies his friend): Hey, there's something different about you, isn't there? You got some spiffy suit on and your hair's all black. It's like you're evil or something. (He snaps his fingers at discovering such a fact. Manic giddiness in his voice.) That's it, isn't it? You're supposed to be evil, aren't you?
Carl (tauntingly calm): Evil? No, no, of course not. Why just recently I helped Nissa get her kite out from a tree.
(The background darkens menacingly as the camera ZOOMS in to get a headshot of Carl. His eyes narrowed and face contorted into a malicious sneer.)
Carl: And into a furnace!
(The camera ZOOMS out to show a confused Sheen viewing his friend with bewilderment.)
Sheen (wha..?): Huh? Into a what now? A furnace?
Carl (tauntingly calm again): Ah, no, I meant ah, a furnished bungalow for kites; which I acquired with entirely legitimate funds that were not stolen at all.
Sheen (relieved): Oh, okay.
(Carl smiles mockingly at Sheen. A soft beeping is heard. Carl removes a pager from his pocket as Sheen stares at him with unsettled suspicion.)
Carl (sardonically): As fascinating your company is to me, Sheen, I have to excuse myself for more pressing matters. (He returns the pager to his pocket.) Of the evil variety quite possibly.
(Carl walks off as Sheen stares after him with creeped out worry.)
Sheen: Wow, look's like he's a new candidate for another definition for 'creepy' in the dictionary.
(CUT To EXT Shot - A dark alley. Dr. Moist is hidden in the weak shadows, reading a newspaper.
Carl approaches him with mild curiosity.)
Carl: You wished to see me teacher?
Dr. Moist (he looks to him): Ah, I appreciate your promptness! I have a new mission for you.
(Dr. Moist shows Carl an article in the newspaper: OIL TANKER POSES THREAT TO SPECIES LOCATED NEAR INFAMOUS BAHAMA QUADRANGLE - DEPARTURE, ASSURED TO BE DONE SAFELY, TAKES PLACE TOMORROW.)
Dr. Moist: This oil tanker will be heading into the area that my lab is located. It's a threat to unveil my location, no doubt they will cause a disturbance and possible pollution to the species I'm currently studying. Removing such an environmentally harmful source is absolutely necessary.
Carl (in confident malice): "Removing" eh? Now that's something I can understand!
(CUT To EXT Shot - A sinking oil tanker, smoldering in many areas. A huge expanding blackness is seen surrounding it as it leaks oil in insane speed. A nearby lifeboat floats by, carrying the remainder of the crew from the tanker. The camera ZOOMS out to show Carl watching this from a distance on a hill.)
Carl (in joyful violence): Take that you big filthy, polluting oil tanker!
(The camera PANS to another hill nearby. Dr. Moist watches the chaos his student has caused, an impressed grin marked on his face.)
Dr. Moist: Oh what marvelous beauty my chrysalis of evil has evolved to! Fly upon your wings of black evil, my order hating student!
(Dr. Moist explodes into maniacal laughter. A part of the oil tanker blows up into more flames as it sinks deeper into the water.)
Dr. Moist: Charleston!
(Dr. Moist tapdances away as what's left of the tanker belches out more oil into the ocean.)
(CUT To INT Shot - Inside the Candy Bar. Carl is sitting in a booth reading a magazine titled EVIL MACHINATIONS. Butch and Nick pass by. They stop to stare at Carl's new attire.)
Nick: Dude, is that Weezer?
Butch: The wuss? Looks like him, sort of.
Nick (he calls out): Hey Weezer! That you? What's with the get up?
Carl (looking up from his reading): Is it really any of your concern, what with you being unimportant minor characters?
(The boys approach him; insulted by Carl's rude response.)
Butch: What's the deal with you anyway? You haven't been to school for the past two days, what have you all been doing lately? (His tone becomes mocking.) Playing with your stuffed llamas or getting your diapers changed?
Carl (in a bored tone): Well, a mad super villain recently talked me into doing some eco-terrorism, so, yeah, nothing that exciting really I guess.
(Butch gawps at the unexpected reply. Nick gives a defiant sniff.)
Nick: Terrorizing the environment? You should talk to Neutron about that, doesn't he do that all the time? Like how he brought on a second ice age and nearly made an evil copy of the world?
Carl (he scoffs): Morons. I don't mean terrorizing the environment. Terrorizing people so they quit messing with the environment. (He smiles vainly.) You know that tanker that was blown up the other day? Did you see it? I did that.
Butch (shocked): What? You?
Nick (unbelieving): No way.
Carl (apathetic): Hey, think what you want to think my friends. I'm only happy that I decided to pursue a new life of indulging in wanton villainy, so your thoughts regarding myself don't matter. (A beeping sound erupts, obviously Carl's pager signaling a message from Dr. Moist.)
Carl: Now, if you'll excuse me I have to get to an appointment. I'm close to figuring out how to construct a strain of bacteria that turns blood into burning acid. It's got many useful applications, you see: In killing people.
(Carl gets up from his seat to leave Nick and Butch to stew in some awkward silence.)
Nick (?): Dude, what just happened here?
Butch: Probably some wacky plot device no doubt. They always come up in the strangest of places.
Nick (he muses): Maybe Weezer has a point about that whole eco-terrorism thing. We only have one planet to live on. If we got people to stop being so wasteful, then the Earth has a chance.
Butch (intrigued): Hey, yeah, not only do you fight for a good cause it gives you an excuse to smash things and stuff.
Nick: If that one act of rebellion made Weezer into a well dressed misfit, think of what it will do to our popularity! I think we should get started right away.
(CUT To a Camera Shot of a parked car. A hand wielding a large screwdriver jabs into one of the tires. The camera ZOOMS out to show Nick is the culprit. A loud hiss erupts as air escapes the mutilated tire.)
Nick (in loud victory): Take that, car! Your polluting days are over!
(Nick slashes the remaining tires with the screwdriver. A loud crash is heard. Nick turns his head to see Butch kicking a ruined air conditioner on the pavement.)
Butch: Ha! This is one less air conditioning unit that will emit no good freons, and waste electricity - clearly nature's most precious resource!
Nick (he gives a thumbs up to Butch): Great job man!
Cindy (off camera): What in the world are you guys doing?
(Nick and Butch look up to see Jimmy, Cindy, Sheen and Libby approaching them with puzzled unease.)
Butch (threateningly): Hey! This is our street! Go do your own acts of eco-terrorism some place else!
Jimmy (sarcasm!): Eco-terrorism? Oh I can't wait to hear the reason behind this sudden interest in such banal animosity.
Nick (he crosses his arms): Yeah, its the latest rage, Weezer got us into it. If doing this kind of stuff made him cool, then it'll obviously increase my own cool factor to unreachable levels!
Jimmy (huh?): What?
Libby (ditto): Carl?
Sheen (semi-hurt): Sheesh, some friend Carl is. Not even letting us in on these intriguing acts of vandalism.
Jimmy (perplexed): What are you talking about?
Sheen (in casual boredom): Ah, he's become even more of a wet blanket ever since he dyed his hair black and admitted to committing acts of evil.
Cindy: What? When was this?
Sheen: Just the other day, he was talking about burning little kids kites or something. It was kind of creepy.
Cindy (she gives him a glare): And you thought it wasn't important enough to mention this to us?
(Sheen gives a "meh" type shrug.)
Nick: Heh, it obviously ain't acting. He was the one who blew up that oil tanker yesterday.
Jimmy (in horrified confusion): What?
Cindy (disbelieving): Carl? Blowing up oil tankers? I find that to be very unlikely.
Libby: Yeah, this is obviously some weird joke.
Sheen: Hmm.. It does at least explain why he hasn't been at school lately.
(Arnie then enters the scene, he puts a friendly hand on Nick's shoulders.)
Arnie: Hey Nick, wanna go drain some coastal wetlands for no reason whatsoever?
(Nick brushes off Arnie's hand in angry disgust.)
Nick (furious): NO! Your carelessness and all consuming ways toward the planet is disgusting!
Arnie (he balks): Woa, geez, I was just kidding! You know that's my polite way of saying, "Let's Feed The Ducks", but if you're going to act all crazy then I'll find someone else.
Butch (to Nick): Don't listen to his lies, man. He hates the Earth!
Nick (darting an accusing finger at Arnie): Earth hater!
(Jimmy and co. can only stare at this fantastically unfunny scene.)
Libby: Okay, who thinks its time for a new scene, 'cause this horrible attempt at being humorous is getting nowhere fast.
(Jimmy and co. all raise their hands in agreement. They then look at the camera patiently.)
(CUT To INT Shot - Ms. Fowl's classroom. All the brats are taking their seats for morning classes. A few students dawdle by talking with each other.)
Ms. Fowl: Come now everyone. To your seats so we can begin our day of learning!
(Everyone takes a seat. The door then opens to reveal Carl Weezer, still clad in his villain uniform, carrying a large duffel bag with him. The other kids look at him with beguiled trepidation. Ms. Fowl watches as he takes his seat.)
Ms. Fowl: Oh, good to see you back Carl. I take your illness has passed.
Carl: If by illness you mean my total hatred to this educational establishment; then yes, albeit only temporary, though.
(Nervous silence fills the room. Jimmy and Cindy exchange worried glances. Ms. Fowl blinks with apprehension.)
Ms. Fowl (trying to sound casual): Ah, well, I'm sorry to hear that.
(She clears her throat as she walks toward the blackboard. Grasping a piece of chalk to write with.)
Ms. Fowl: Now, continuing from yesterday's lesson, binomials are not that scary once you get to know them. Now, if an expression consists of two terms, then it is known to be a binomial expression. X plus seven is known as a binomial expression.
(Ms. Fowl tries to write out X + 7 but the hand wielding the chalk begins to shake madly. The chalk slips from her hand and clatters to the floor. The tremor increases as she notices her other hand jitter as well.)
Ms. Fowl (fretfully): What in heaven's name is this?
(The camera PANS to the class. Libby looks at her hands and sees that they are quaking away as well.)
Libby: Is anyone else's hands shaking and going numb as well? Or am I suddenly an epileptic?
(A loud thump is heard. Jimmy has dropped his math book due to his own tremoring hands.)
Jimmy: I don't think you're alone in this.
(Sheen stares at his own shaking hands with freaked out horror. Other kids begin to murmur with fearful chatter as they witness the unstoppable trembling in each other.)
Sheen (frantically): It's like I'm possessed!
(The camera PANS to Carl, who is the only one unaffected by this outbreak of hand tremors, a pen and clipboard in his hands as he turns in his seat to face the class.)
Carl (curiously): Ah, good, why don't you all give me the exact details of your symptoms?
(Carl gets up from his desk to approach Jimmy. Revealing a large cylinder gas tank marked DEBILITATING NERVE GAS-PROTOTYPE 0 that is next to Carl's desk. The opened nozzle at the top of it releases a hissing jet of gas.)
Carl: Don't leave out a single detail, now.
Jimmy (pointing at the visible tank of gas): Hey!
Carl (casually): What?
Sheen (miffed): Carl! What's up with you?
Cindy (totally ticked): How did you, of all people, acquire nerve gas? What the heck is wrong with you?
Carl (impatiently): Hey, I've got to see how it works, don't I? What better place to test it out then in a school? Plenty of test subjects to allow for all possible reactions. (He pushes his glasses up with an index finger.) Now describe your symptoms, please!
(Ms. Fowl approaches her desk, still quaking from the effects of the nerve gas.)
Ms. Fowl (after a pained cawing noise): This is unacceptable school behavior!
(The camera CUTS to a shot of Ms. Fowl pawing a trembling hand to open the drawer to press a a red button marked IN CASE OF CRAZY PLOT DEVICES - PRESS TO SOUND ALARM. A trilling alarm fills the whole school.)
Ms. Fowl (yelling): Everyone outside! Now!
(CUT to a shot of Lindbergh School. Swarms of kids and teachers are out amongst each other. Chatting worriedly of the events that just took place. Jimmy and the gang, minus Carl, are discussing near the playground.)
Cindy: Well, we got our proof. Guess we can all agree that Carl's now become some dangerous psychopath.
Sheen: Yeah, spraying nerve gas in the school just to see what it does? That's just whack!
Jimmy: I don't know what could have brought all of this on. Something must have happened to him to cause such a total change in character. (He frowns.) But what?
Libby: Well, we haven't been really nice to him lately.
Cindy (angrily): Oh please! If it's for that reason, than that's quite possibly the most pathetic excuse to start dabbling in sadistic super-villainy.
Dr. Moist (off camera): Seems like a fine reason to me, young lady.
(The kids turn around to see Dr. Moist before them, arms crossed and a casual look upon him.)
Jimmy (shocked): Dr. Moist!
Dr. Moist (his lip curls in a mocking smile): Hello Jimmy. It's been awhile hasn't it? You look well.
(Cindy and Libby can only stare at Dr. Moist. What with this being their first encounter with him.
Libby looks to Sheen.)
Libby: Who is this guy?
Sheen (he waves a hand airily): Ah, just another one of Jimmy's abundant villains that hate him passionately. He tried to turn us into algae zombies when we found his underwater lab.
Libby: I'm starting to think its a good thing that I don't accompany you guys on all of your twisted adventures. Keeping track of all these crazy people is frustrating.
(Jimmy steps bravely toward Dr. Moist.)
Jimmy: It's all clear now! You're obviously the one responsible for the sudden change in behavior of my best friend!
Dr. Moist (he smirks): So what if I am?
Jimmy (demanding): What twisted thing have you done to change Carl so erratically?
Dr. Moist: Nothing twisted was done. The boy needed help and I offered it to him; clearly he is more content with this new way of living. Leaving the cradle of good judgment for the true rhapsody that is the chaotic. With him as my loyal apprentice, I will be able to crush all of my enemies. (His face darkens to a sneer as he glares at the kids.) All of you included.
Cindy (flustered): What? But we just met you! What do you have against us?
Dr. Moist: Your present acquaintance with the boy genius is reason enough for me to pursue your downfall.
Cindy (sarcastically): Oh of course, that's a totally plausible reason. How silly of me.
Dr. Moist (he sneers at Jimmy again): Feeling lost now, dear Jimmy?
Jimmy (defiant): I'm not intimidated by you, I'll defeat you as easily before, Moist! My past victories with villains is proof enough!
Dr. Moist: Ha! Just try and give it your best shot! It'll be great entertainment to see your destruction by the hand of your once good friend!
(A loud impatient car horn is heard from the distance. Dr. Moist cocks his ear to the sound.)
Carl (off camera & sounding impatient): Hey teacher! Let's get moving! I wanna do something else that causes suffering to my fellow man!
Dr. Moist (he leers at the kids): Duty calls, children. You can tell my apprentice is always so eager to learn. (He gives a wave.) Ta'.
(Dr. Moist turns to leave. Jimmy scowls as he watches him saunter away.)
Jimmy (calling out): You won't be so sure of yourself after I'm through with you, Doctor! (He regards the rest of the gang.) Everyone. To the lab!
(CUT To EXT/INT Shot. The Weezer Household. Carl's parents are blocking the door, preventing Dr. Moist from possible entry. Dr. Moist remains in a calm, patient stance.)
Dr. Moist: Why must you stay your son's course for greatness? It is his fate to become a machinator of vile schemes.
Mr. Weezer: That's ending now. Our boy has no business in hanging out with some villainous lunatic bent on chaotic corruption to the greater good.
Dr. Moist: Denial will only be temporary relief, soon you will accept that your son is meant to be a deployer of pandemonium and carnage.
Mrs. Weezer (furious): Liar! Carl's a good boy, he wouldn't harm anybody!
Dr. Moist (he sneers): Oh, how little you know, madam. The dear Carl you once knew is only a memory, his true character has been finally set free. Free to commit whatever acts of heinous nature only the greatly disturbed can imagine.
(Carl walks into view. Standing next to Dr. Moist. The Weezers stare blankly at this.)
Carl: Hey Doctor, can we go now?
Mr. Weezer (surprised): How'd you get out?
Carl (after a frustrated scoff): It's called a back door you halfwit!
Mrs. Weezer (angrily): Don't you speak to your father that way!
Carl (ignoring his mom): Can we go now, please? I wish to leave these weak people in their microwave oven world, along with their carpet covered hearts.
Dr. Moist (he nods): Lets.
Mrs. Weezer (close to tears): Oh Gawd, metaphors. Nine pounds and four ounces, now our baby is starting to say superfluous metaphors!
(Carl and Dr. Moist begin to leave. Mrs. Weezer covers her face in grief as Mr. Weezer takes a step closer toward the departing pair.)
Mr Weezer: If you leave this house young man, then don't bother coming back!
(Carl stops walking to look to his father, Dr. Moist continues onward.)
Carl: Sounds good to me, I was suffocating in that pathetic nest you call a house anyway.
Mr. Weezer (darting a finger at Carl): Adopted!
(Shocked, Mrs. Weezer smacks the back of her husband's head with a swift backhand; hard enough to knock the glasses off his face. Carl is unphased by his dad's remark as he turns to catch up with Dr. Moist.)
Carl (jeeringly): Pfft, yeah, I wish!
(Loud knocking is heard. We CUT Back to the Neutron household. Judy approaches the door. We see Mrs. Weezer is holding Hugh by the arm in, by Hugh's wincing expression, a strong death grip. She shoves Hugh at Judy with extreme anger.)
Mrs. Weezer: You better start keeping this husband of yours under control, Judy! The way he's been telling lies about my Carl is absolutely disgusting! My boy is not, and will not, be a horrible monster that lives for the thrill of other people's miseries.
(With that said, Mrs. Weezer exits. Judy eyes Hugh with a stony glare. Hugh smiles nervously as he rubs his aching arm.)
Hugh Neutron: Eh-heh, guess she's sensitive on that subject, huh?
(CUE Rotating Atom.)