Hugh Neutron: This birthing of ideas thing is getting too complicated. I already thought of many great plots but they've been dismissed as nothing but tomfoolery. (He sighs) People are too picky in this day and age.
Sheen (loud & off camera): Why is there not an organization established to shepherd the good welfare of squirrels?
(Hugh looks across the street to see Sheen on a large wooden soapbox, holding a megaphone to his mouth. Many pedestrians appear uneasy as they try to ignore Sheen's rants.)
Sheen: It's the ignorance of everyday society that has abused those who cannot speak for themselves!
(A mailman passes by him. Sheen darts an accusing finger toward him.)
Sheen: Hey! I saw that look! It's people like you that degrade the human race into further despair!
(Libby enters the scene. She approaches Sheen with a tired and unimpressed look on her face.)
Libby: It's not even a Saturday and you're already up with a manic episode?
Sheen (he grins wildly): You know me! I'm always eager concerning the job!
(Libby sighs. Sheen glances the other way and his face falls into a panicked gape.)
Sheen: Oh my God, (He drops the megaphone as he points toward some trees.) look!
(The camera ZOOMS out to a WIDE shot to show a few pigeons pecking near the bases of the trees. We notice one is completely black. Libby looks toward them as well.)
Libby: What? They're just pigeons.
Sheen: You silly girl! (He points to the black bird.) That's Marduke, dark pigeon of chaos! His appearance can only mean that the end of the world battle royal will be at hand! (He clenches his fists in angry determination.) We must prepare for battle!
Libby (she raises an eyebrow): Where did you hear all of this?
Sheen (he settles down somewhat): Well, okay, I'm just assuming from that after seeing the fifth season finale of Ultra Lord, but I'm gonna prepare for battle anyway. I'm not taking any chances.
Libby (uninterested): Well, I am. Let me know how Armageddon turns out. I'll be at home using music to run away from reality.
(Libby exits as Sheen smiles triumphantly.)
Sheen (loud and joyful): Hooray for pointless anger!
(We CUT back to Hugh, who just witnessed this interaction, his eyes now more hopeful than ever.)
Hugh Neutron: Of course! It is so simple! The answer's right in front of me!
(Hugh removes a canister of gasoline from out of nowhere behind the steps. He splashes it all over his house with quick care. Hugh then takes a pack of matches from his back pocket. He rips one out and strikes it against the match packet to ignite it. He approaches his gas soaked home casually, the little flame flickers daintily on the match stick. He is about to lean in to drop the match when he quickly stops.)
Hugh Neutron: Or, hey! Maybe I can use a Sheen segment! He always has fun ideas!
(He blows out the match as he straightens his posture.)
Hugh Neutron (he points to the sky): Bring on the Atom!
(CUE Rotating Atom.)
(CUT To EXT Shot - Sheen is sitting outside his house, his eyes meet the camera and he smiles happily to the audience.)
Sheen: Hey there, glad you could come on over! You know I never thought of myself as any kind of role model, but over the last couple of episodes this past season I've received so many letters praising my outstanding view on living life to the fullest. Often they ask the same question: "Sheen, why are you so awesome?" (He giggles with delight.) Truly I am the greatest thing to grace the world!
(Sheen gets to his feet and makes a swift beckoning gesture to the camera as he walks away from his house.)
Sheen: Gather 'round fellow fan boys and girls! You are going to spend the whole day with me as I grant Retroville my outstanding advice and opinions. Let's start by educating people with incredibly true facts.
(CUT To INT Shot - The Neutron's driveway. Judy Neutron is about to enter her car when Sheen approaches her; all smiles naturally.)
Sheen: Mrs. Neutron! Did you know that if you keep your eyes open when you sneeze that they could pop out of your sockets?
Judy Neutron (incredulous): Really now? That seems improbable, since its known that eyelids closing is automatic to the sneezing refle-
Sheen (not listening): It's true! They could just pop out of your head, and then you'd be eyeless and blind. (He laughs.) Pretty crazy.
(Sheen walks off, happy to tell of his fact. Judy can only stare after him with an unimpressed frown.)
(CUT To Outside The Candy Bar - Tina Sue and Ike are leaving the building, each carrying a bag of bubble gum they have just purchased. Sheen walks toward them.)
Sheen: Heh, you sure you guys want to chew that delicious looking gum? Did you know that spider eggs are the main ingredient to make it? That's what makes it so soft, you know.
(Sheen skips away as Tina Sue and Ike look at their gum with revulsion.)
(CUT To Retroville Park - Sheen, now wielding a long cardboard tube, watches Nick zip by on his skateboard.)
Sheen: Hey Nick! The hair products you use are known to seep through your skin and skull and cause distortions in depth perception along with other kinds of brain damage!
(A loud "Thunk" is heard followed by a crash and girlish scream as it is clear that Nick has wiped out. Sheen's grin widens.)
Sheen: There's your proof!
(Jimmy enters the shot. He glances tiredly at his friend, who is swinging the cardboard tube about as if it were a sword.)
Jimmy: Sheen, what's this I hear about you telling bogus stories to everyone?
Sheen (correcting): True stories, Jimmy. True stories full of facts to be exact! Wanna hear one?
Jimmy: These "true stories" wouldn't happen to be urban legends, would they?
Sheen (he admires his cardboard tube): Of course not! Wanna hear a fun fact about saxophone players?
Jimmy: Not r-
Sheen: Each player saves the contents of their spit valve in a jar, and at the end of the year they chug it down with their fellow band mates. I don't know why they do it - but it's a fact.
Jimmy: That is both ludicrous and completely disgusting.
Sheen: Another thing too, when forensic investigators have parties, they randomly kill spectators so that the rookies can use proper analysis techniques to unearth the real killers. The first person to determine the murderer wins a digital toaster.
Jimmy (unsettled by his casualness): How can you say that with a straight face?
Sheen: That baby has four hundred megabytes of toasting power. What a great prize!
Jimmy (he turns to leave): I'll be going now.
Sheen: Hey Jimmy! Did you know that the very laws of physics are a lie?
(Jimmy stops dead in his tracks. He whips his head to glare at Sheen.)
Jimmy (in low rage): What did you say?
Sheen: Bumblebees prove it. According to the laws of physics they shouldn't be able to get off the ground, but they do anyway! Isn't that cool how a little bee has put all that crazy amount of bunk knowledge down the toilet?
Jimmy (settling down): That's actually a long-held myth. The bumblebee's flight is done with oscillating wings more like a helicopter than an airpla-
Sheen: Yeah, well I get my science information from the Ultra Lord show (He darts his face into Jimmy's and starts to yell.) WHERE'S YOUR PRECIOUS FACTS NOW?
(Jimmy winces at the volume and pushes Sheen away.)
Jimmy (tiredly): Oh, and I suppose you can become a PHD scientist by declaring yourself as such.
Sheen: Exactly! You saw that episode too?
(Jimmy huffs with exasperation. Sheen spins the cardboard tube like a baton before leaning on it in a semi show-offish way.)
Sheen: Oh yeah, check out this great tube I found. It was just near a driveway by some trash.
Jimmy (in mock enthusiasm): Wow.
Sheen (not getting it): That's what I said! Can you believe someone would just throw such an awesome thing away?
Jimmy (dryly): Do I believe that someone would throw garbage away? Yes. I think that is a practical-
(Sheen then swings his tube at Jimmy's head, hitting his high forehead with an audible "Fap!")
Jimmy: Dah! (His tone becomes angry.) Sheen!
(Sheen raises the tube high. His eyes wide with manic energy.)
Sheen (in loud forcefulness): Say it! Say the tube is the avenger of the weak!
(CUT Back to outside Sheen's house. Sheen is standing near his driveway with his hands in his pockets, appearing a tad dejected as he stares at his cardboard tube, now torn in half near his feet.)
Sheen: Apparently people can grow tired of stories based on real life, so I decided to move on to more important matters; like turning simple sentences into something sinister and creepy!
(CUT To EXT Shot outside of Lindbergh School playground. Butch is dribbling a basketball as Sheen pops up in front of him.)
Sheen: Hey Butch! Let's assume, just for fun, that today is your birthday.
Butch: Does this include blatant remarks of hate and abandonment from my mom?
Sheen (perplexed): Ah, no.. (His voice becomes normal.) If I were to say "Happy Birthday, Butch" that would sound normal to you, right?
Butch (he stops dribbling): I guess.
Sheen: But what if I said it like this: (Sheen's voice drops to a sinister whisper) Happy Birthday, Butch.
(Butch drops the ball in shocked fright. He bolts away from Sheen.)
Butch (screaming): The dead live!
Sheen (proudly, to the camera): The secret is whispering!
(Carl sprints toward Sheen excitedly. Waving a hand in eager joy.)
Carl: Ooh! Ooh! I saw what you did! Do it on me Sheen! Pretend I got, like, a new shirt or something!
Sheen (he snickers): Okay! I'll try! (Sheen drops his voice to the same whisper) That shirt looks good on you, Carl.
(Carl's face falls in terror.)
Carl: Woa..
Sheen (still whispering): It looks good on your body.
Carl (in quiet dread): Wow, that is scary.
Sheen (his voice returns to normal): See? Cree-py! Almost as creepy as the time I was asked to plan new TV shows for the next fall season.
(CUT to INT Shot - Sheen is with a half dozen writers in a room with a long table littered with storyboard pictures and scribbled notes.)
Sheen: Okay, I am going to write a Frasier-esque sitcom about the lives and loves of the janitors of the Roman Colliseum.
Writer Guy 1: My God! That's brilliant! I can smell the money!
Sheen: I think the main janitor should be a guy from Vermont who gets thrown back in time.
Writer Guy 2: Ooh! Maybe he can be the dude who goes on to invent cheese!
Sheen (he scoffs): That's a lame idea. He can be the guy that invents lion litter! Who do you think I am? That hack Seth McFarlene?
(CUT back to Sheen outside his house. He kicks away the broken pieces of his cardboard tube.)
Sheen: That was fun for awhile but Nickelodeon wouldn't stop harassing me for more ideas so they could market off of it as a twenty-two minute commercial rather than with original storylines and real humor. I decided to focus attention on more interesting challenges.
(Sheen clasps his hands around his back and rocks back and forth on his heels as he stares innocently at the sky as Angie and Brittany walk by.)
Sheen (loud): I certainly didn't sneak into Libby's house and eat her food again, that's for darn sure!
(The girls exchange puzzled looks as they walk off screen. Sheen looks at the camera enthusiastically.)
Sheen (in a loud whisper): Blaming others focuses suspicion on them besides myself!
(Betty Quinlan walks by, trying very hard to ignore Sheen. Sheen eyes her with intrigue.)
Sheen: Uh-oh Betty, is that crumbs on your dress I see? Have you been into Libby's house and eating her food again?
Betty (disturbed): No. I, unlike yourself, don't do creepy things like that.
Sheen (he sighs and shakes his head in mock-disappointment): I don't know, seems to me like you did.
(Betty quickens her pace, giving Sheen a nasty glare as she exits. Sheen shrugs as he looks at the camera.)
Sheen: That Betty Quinlan sure has her fair share of problems. (He shakes his head again.) Quite sad actually.
Libby (off-camera): There you are!
(Sheen looks to his right, where Libby enters the scene. She doesn't appear too happy as Sheen gives her a cheery smile.)
Sheen: Hi Libby!
Libby (no nonsense): Don't you "Hi" me, mister. How many times do I have to tell you to stop eating my food? Surely you have the ability to find your own nourishment!
Sheen (mock innocence): Who me?
Libby: Yes, you! Somebody's eaten the groceries I just bought for my sleepover for tomorrow, and whenever that happens, its always you. I can tell because all the cookies and nachos are gone, while anything that has vegetables has remained untouched.
Sheen (he laughs): Yup!
Libby (She gives him a shove): It's not funny!
Sheen (defensive): Well maybe if you invited me to your sleepover I wouldn't have done it!
Libby (no nonsense ... again): I told you before! It's a girls only party. Now, you better cut with the whole B & E thing, I got to reorganize the setup for my girlfriends, so you better keep your nose clean, you hear me?
(Sheen grins nervously and nods. Libby exits, glad her point was executed and received. Sheen suddenly gives an amused frown.)
Sheen: Feh. Being a girl must be lame. Man, I wonder what life would be like if I were a girl.
(The scene falters and ebbs into Sheen's imagination. We notice a figure walking down a street in downtown Retroville. It indeed appears to be what Sheen would appear as a female. She has a short pixie style haircut, a band-aid covers her right cheekbone, ears pierced with multiple studs, clad in an Ultra Lord baby doll style t-shirt and dark green jeans. The familiar brown eyes, manic smile and green hightops remain.)
Libby (off camera): Sheena! Over here, girl!
(Sheena blinks and grins happily. She runs toward Libby with joyful enthusiasm.)
Sheena (her voice is to the audience's imagination): Libby! It's so good to see you!
(Libby and Sheena hug amicably. Sheena's eyes widen with joy and her manic grin becomes more visible as the hug lingers. Libby releases from the embrace and smiles at Sheena.)
Libby: What's new? (She notices the bandage.) Don't tell me you got into another fight with Cindy again.
Sheena: Heh, yeah. I was making fun of how she still doesn't have the guts to admit her crush on Jimmy. (She laughs.) She's a real show when she gets ticked, that's for sure!
Libby: Heh, you got that right. That girl needs to seriously open up.
Sheena: Say Libby, would you be interested in shopping for women's fashions today? Seeing as how we are both female and what not.
Libby: That sounds like a fine idea! I see no reason why we both couldn't go out and buy some women's fashions!
Sheena: Cool! Perhaps we could stop by the toy store and partake in some action figure glory as well.
Libby (she sighs): Oh, alright. Though only for a little while so that it may not disturb our search for the latest fashions.
(They begin to depart for their shopping trip.)
Sheena (she giggles): You're the best, Libs!
(CUT To scenes of multiple shots of Libby and Sheena shopping. Sheena poses in a leather jacket, Libby shows Sheena multiple fashion watches for her opinion, Libby and Sheena purchasing a bunch of adorable shirts, Sheena marveling at a number of Ultra Lord action figures as Libby smiles and rolls her eyes, Sheena and Libby eating ice cream in a food court, the girls cooing over a magazine with movie and rock stars.)
Sheena (she points to a page): Oooh, I like his smile.
Libby (she giggles): I like that guy's hair.
(CUT To Sheena and Libby listening to headphones in a music store. Libby frowns with disgust.)
Libby: This Pussy Cat Dolls album is hideous!
Sheena: Is that the one where they strangle a bunch of ferrets in unison to suggestive lyrics?
Libby (she removes the headphones): Yeah. Ick, I don't think I can no longer enjoy creativity in any form after hearing this junk. Yet another infinite fault from the garbage that is MTV.
Sheena: I think everyone should give all horrible bands some genuine knife wounds to write about!
Libby: Nah, that'd just encourage more emo songs.
(CUT To Sheena near a street corner. Multiple shopping bags surround her. She paws through her purchases with happy curiosity. A pair of capri-styple pants, an Ultra Lord action figure, a pink t-shirt, and a pair of sky blue panties with confetti style graphics on them. She gives a manic grin as she stares at the girly underwear.)
Sheena (elated): Shopping accomplished!
Carl (off camera): Hey Sheena.
(Carl approaches. Sheena notices his presence and quickly tosses the panties in the bag. She smiles nervously at him.)
Sheena: Oh, hey Carl.
Carl (noting the multiple shopping bags): Wow! You must have done a lot of shopping today. I bet you don't have anything else planned for today after committing so much time to purchasing such material goods.
Sheena (curtly): No I don't. (Her tone becomes more friendly as a smile comes to her face.) Besides going out with a strapping young man such as yourself.
Carl (caught off guard): Oh! Ah, okay. There.. there is that Ultra Lord and Llama Boy crossover movie that's just opening tonight..
Sheena (she gives a happy leap in the air): Sounds marvelous!
Carl (his voice joyful): Okay! I'll meet you at the theater at eight then!
Sheena (she beams): I'll be there.
(We CUT back to Reality with Sheen. He muses with curiosity.)
Sheen: It's a good thing I keep these fantasies to myself!
(CUT to INT Shot of Hugh Neutron in the Neutron household.)
Hugh Neutron (matter-of-factly): Specifically he's glad that nobody knows he's fantasized about being of the opposite gender and dating his best friend.
(The camera ZOOMS out to show that Hugh is talking to himself. He blinks with confusion.)
Hugh Neutron: Sugar booger? (He adjusts his glasses.) Where'd she go?
(CUE Rotating Atom)