A/N: Lordy Duffano strikes once more. This time, with the help of a trusty sidekick: ABBALINA! From across many geographical regions and climatic discrepancies, we shall join forces and bring you the most shameless Mary Sue spoof yet. At least for Pirates of the Caribbean.
Disclaimer: BOO! You know what goes here. We don't own Pirates of the Caribbean, Johnny Depp (which may explain why Abbalina has random fits of hysteria), and all that good stuff. Thank you and good night. GOOD NIGHT and good luck. Damn. Don't own that either. CURSE YOU GEORGE CLOONEY!
Hello. My name is Pynelopie Odette Tapioka Chastity-erson and I have an amazing, unbelievable, beyond belief, implausible, inconceivably awesome story that I will tell you. But first a little about me.
I have beautiful, perfectly straight sand dune blonde hair that flows straightly down to my lovely, lovely arse. My eyes are like sapphires as shifting as the ocean spray.
Speaking of the ocean. My dearest dream is to sail on the ocean and be a pirate…ess… piratess… yes. That's it. My dearest dream is to sail on the ocean and be a piratess. Yay me!11!one!one!eleven!exclamationpoint! But sadly my parents died in a horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident that I miraculously escaped from unscathed. Except for the scar in the shape of a 'P' on my arm. We still don't really know how I got it, but it's something to do with the horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident and a piece of white-hot metal that was inexplicably in the shape of a 'P'.
Anywayz. I was sent to live with my Aunt Avarice and Uncle Pride (pronounced Prithee) and they abused me, squandering my parents' fortune among other horrendous and painful things. One night my homies sneaked me out (because my aunt and uncle were too mean and locked me in the pantry) and took me to see Pirates of the Caribbean. I fell in lurve. I lurved the movie. And I lurved Jack Sparrow because Johnny Depp is the hawtness. Will Turner wasn't bad either, but I like Orli better as a blonde. Like me! Teehee.
Anywayz. My homies sneaked me out to Hott Topic and that is where our story beginz.
The people who work at Hott Topic kinda scare me, but they had a whole Pirates of the Caribbean section! I was soo excited, I put up with the scary tattoo girl working there. My homies are awesome and helped me buy some awesome PotC stuff, like a pink Jack Sparrow t-shirt, Will Turner button, Jack Sparrow notebook, and even Will Turner incense! I bet it smells like Will! Zomg lolz. My emo homie Raven even bought it for me because scary tattoo girl was, like, glaring at me. I bet she was jealous of my beautifully straightly sand dune hair.
I was hanging out at my BFFL (best friend for life, duh!) Morganne's house because why would I want to go back to the pantry? Aunt Avarice keeps things past their expiration date!
We decided to burn the Will Turner incense because I knew I would never get away with that in the pantry, and Morganne has nice parents that are alive. God, I'm getting, like, soo sad just thinking about the horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident.
Anywayz, I changed into my pink Jack Sparrow t-shirt and we lit the incense, but then the world went pitch black! I was soo scared.
I woke to the smell of yucky things and the feel of someone slapping me! ON THE FACE! I bolted and sat straight up to confront whoever dared to touch me! ON THE FACE!
I began to blink. This was impossible! It couldn't be happening! It was too unrealistic! It was absolutely, totally, completely inconceivably IMPOSSIBLE! I was blinking over and over again, because Mr. Gibbs stood in front of me!
"Yer sleepin' in me pig pen," he said. I was like, "I'm sorry!" and then I looked around and jumped up, screaming "eeww!" because it was dis-gush-ting.
"Her too," Gibbs said, pointing at Morganne. Ohmygod! Morganne was here too! Maybe it was a dream, because there was no way I could really be on…
TORTUGA!
"Morganne! Morganne! Ohmygah! You'll never guess where we are!" I shrieked.
"…ew, pigs. Um, are we, like, in Texas?" Morganne asked. (A/N: Apologies to Texans.) I sighed. Morganne can be a little slow sometimes, but I still luv her foreva!
"No, Morganne! We're on…
TORTUGA!"
"OHMYGAH! NO WAI! We can't really be on
TORTUGA?"
Morganne said, getting up excitedly. I nodded and we wandered off, hopefully to find none other than Jack Sparrow and Will Turner. Morganne and I agreed that she could have Will, but Jack was all mine! He would tremble before my astounding beauty, I just knew it, and even Jack would be sad to hear of the horrific, horrible, severely traumatizing car accident I miraculously survived.
A/N: Pynelopie is sadly mistaken. Jack and all other canon characters will remain true to … well, canon. And despise her. Like us, even though she's our character. Hmm. At least, they'll remain as true to canon as we can make them. Please allow for some OOC moments. Thank you for your understanding. And again, apologies to Texans. If we're going overboard, don't hesitate to tell us.
Nicely. Abbalina has a fragile ego. No, seriously. Stephano smashed it the other day – we had to put her in the corner.