The (Second) Decapitation of Nearly Headless Nick

By: Emmylou

Disclaimer: Ah, the beloved world painted in a rather inexperienced manner in the following is not of my creation, but that of a fine lady by the name of JK Rowling.

Summary: Nick is turned down for the Headless Hunt (again) and finds a sympathetic ear in the form of second year Luna Lovegood. However when she hatches a scheme to decapitate him properly, is Nick ready to fix his little problem permanently?

A/N: Thanks to duj for the summary correction.

ooo

"This is exceptionally odd!" said The Fat Friar as he and Nick floated up to the Astronomy Tower after dinner. "A mortal is planning to help you cut your head off? But why?"

"Because I asked," said Nick gloomily. "I only wanted some sympathy and a vaguely frightened look."

"Luna Lovegood," The Fat Friar rolled the name around in his mouth. "Isn't she that rather odd…"

"That's the one."

"Still," The Fat Friar clapped him on the back. "Bit like pulling a tooth I imagine…not very pleasant but you'll feel better afterwards. I can't see why you need me though."

Nick waved a hand theatrically. "I can't very well chop it off myself can I? And besides…a religious presence is always comforting at moments like these."

The Fat Friar shrugged but spoke thoughtfully moments later. "I must say, this idea of turning objects into brief ghosts is fascinating. Do you think it would work on food? I've always fancied trying Bubble Gum you know."

"I for one would prefer something a little more traditional," said Nick. "Chicken…some boiled potatoes…oh, there she is."

They had reached the top step where Luna was sitting patiently reading her magazine again by wand-light.

She tucked the magazine away and hefted up the axe by her side.

"I tested it over and over again. I threw it into the lake and the Giant Squid pushed it back. I left it in plain sight of Peeves and he didn't do anything with it-"

"Chap must be off his game," murmured The Fat Friar.

"-and I used it to try and chop those trees made of stone Professor Sprout is growing, and it's perfectly fine. It really is a survivor!"

"I hope it's still sharp," said Nick. "And you'll believe me when I say I know a sharp axe when I see one."

Luna insisted that she had indeed checked its sharpness. "I did that when I persuaded the House Elves to lend me three melons to chop up. They tasted delightful too."

"If it is a survivor, how do we destroy it?" asked The Fat Friar with interest.

Luna waved a hand. "It doesn't have to be indestructible. Just like a pea that rolls away for your fork when you try to eat it. You'll win eventually. I think setting it on fire should work admirably." She paused to think for a moment. "Any pea that landed on my plate would be a lucky pea indeed. Because I don't like them so I wouldn't eat it. Anyhow…"

The Fat Friar, just out of Luna's sight, made a 'Loony' gesture by twisting his finger around at ear level. Nick personally thought it was rather unchristian of the man.

Luna set the axe down on the floor carefully. She took out her wand and muttered a spell and within seconds the thing was blazing with blue flames.

It took a while to burn properly, but when the flames died away Nick saw that all that remained was a pile of ashes and a blackened blade that's edge burned red hot

And…yes…there seemed to be a wispy outline…

"I say!" shouted The Fat Friar. "It worked!"

"Did it? Oh good!" said Luna, who was looking down, unseeingly, at the remains.

"Right," said The Fat Friar, hefting the ghostly axe up. "I don't think we'll have long Nick…"

He caught Nick's glare.

"-Sir Nicholas. Uh…if you would care to kneel. I don't suppose you'd like a cloth put down would you? For hygiene purposes?"

"If I didn't know you better, Friar, I would say you were making fun of me," said Nick tightly. He dropped gracefully to his knees and held his head up as high as it would swing, giving The Fat Friar a nice good area to aim at

"Have you prepared any words?" said The Fat Friar, who seemed oblivious to the sarcasm.

"Yes," said Nick tartly. "Do you think the hat would be too much to carry around as well?"

"Uh…well…on three then?" said the Friar nervously. He hefted the axe up with trembling hands.

"One…er, two…uh…"

"Headless Hunt here I come!" whooped Nick.

"Three!"

The axe swung down and changed course abruptly when Luna screamed.

"You're going to cut his head off!" she wailed.

The Fat Friar stared at her blankly. "I thought that was the point?"

"And this was your idea," said Nick. "You came up with it." He was more than put off to have a perfectly good moment ruined.

Luna sighed. "Oh dear," she said. "I thought you meant your ruff! I mean, I was thinking an axe was a little dramatic for wardrobe management…"

Nick forgot his graceful pose and rose up from the floor. "You sat and listened to me talk for ten minutes!"

"Well, yes," said Luna. "But I told you I was reading a magazine article. I only heard the bit about you wanting to cut it off and you pointing at your ruff."

"At my neck," said Nick exasperatedly. He patted his ruff defensively. "Why would I want to remove my ruff," he demanded in a ringing voice.

Luna looked at it critically. "Well, boys get embarrassed about excessive frills."

"Ruffs, I'll have you know, are in." said Nick in a withering tone. "Now if you don't mind Miss. Lovegood this is a private moment between myself and my head."

Luna shrugged, bubbles jangling. "It's a shame really. There can only be so many ghosts in the Headless Hunt, but nearly everyone has an attached head. You'd make a lot more friends if you started an Un-Beheaded Club." She swept the destroyed axe away with her wand and moved to head back downstairs.

"A club for the Un-Beheaded? What would one do there? Head juggling it off the cards, obviously." His tone was slowly changing to one of guarded interest.

Luna turned back to him with a thoughtful expression. "Neck massage? Line Dancing? Hat modelling?"

Nick wasn't really listening. "We'll need a sash of some sort…for the president only of course. Yes…something nice and exclusive! I can write a letter to Sir Patrick… 'Your application for the Un-Beheaded Club has been rejected on the basis that not having a head would make things such as neck massage rather difficult' – something polite and official and condescending…"

Luna shrugged. "Lots of ghosts have heads."

"The Grey Lady has a head," said The Fat Friar, who knew what Nick's feelings on the Ravenclaw ghost were.

Meanwhile the axe was fading in The Fat Friar's hands. "I am glad," he said. "To be honest, I was never very good with chopping." He perked up suddenly. "I have been told I have very soothing hands. Neck Massage might really be my thing…"

"Maybe we could have a feast with this theory of Miss. Lovegood's…a ghostly club with food. I'll be the talk of every ghostly party this century!"

Luna smiled at him, in her usual manner which seemed to get across the feeling that everything was following her own plans. "Oh good," she said. "And if you do have second thoughts about the ruff, you know where I am."

The End

ooo

I enjoyed that. Any comments would be great.