CHAPTER TWO

HERMIONE MEETS BRIDGET. BRIGET HEAD-BUTTS HERMIONE.

Disclaima: I no own Hwarry Potta. Or Harry Potter.

ten things you didn't want to know about draco malfoy

1- He eats his boogers when he thinks no one in looking.

2- He wets the bed.

3- He sometimes wears leopard print underpants to make himself feel studly.

4- He writes to his Mummy every Sunday.

5- He tried on a dress once.

6- He sometimes snogs his reflection in the mirror.

7- He's on a diet.

8- He is afraid of dogs.

9- He's only ever had one girlfriend in his life.

10- He cries at night sometimes.

Hermione Granger was born in the summer of 1989. She was not tall nor short, neither skinny nor fat, but she owned a cat named Crookskanks. Today, sixteen years, eight months, and nineteen days after her birth, she sat on a toilet seat. She read the list, "Ten Things You Didn't Want to Know about Draco Malfoy", which was etched into the inside of the wooden stall door.

She heard someone enter the bathroom. That same person entered the stall next to hers and stepped up onto the toilet. Hermione screamed and tried to cover herself as the head and shoulders of a seventh year Slytherin girl appeared above the stall walls. "Oh relax," the head said. "We're all girls here."

Hermione did not relax.

"I need to know something." The head continued.

Hermione wondered why she had not yet said something. "GET OUT!"

The person didn't. "Are you Ron Wesley's girlfriend?" she inquired, as though they were discussing the matter over tea.

"NO!" Hermione answered loudly, "NOW GO AWAY!"

"Okay, okay." Bridget Goyle hopped down from the toilet. She muttered, "How rude," but couldn't help smiling to herself she left the bathroom.

later, in double potions…

Harry Potter and his Gryffindor buddies had double Potions with the Slytherins because Dumbledore loved to torture them and was trying to create inter-house relationships. His plan was failing horribly.

Ron, for once, wanted to see Malfoy and his Malicious Booty-luscious Minions. "Bridg-et!" Ron sang, "My star! My everlasting flame of passion! How I long to see your beautiful face!"

"DUDE!" Harry Potter said, "She's in Slytherin!"

Ron replied, "DUDE! She like me! AND she hates Malfoy! They're like, rivals, or something. AND she's older!" Hermione scowled.

"DUDE! She in' SLY-THER-RIN, therefore evil." Harry Potter pointed out.

Ron said, "Dude! That is so stereotypical."

Hermione said, "DUDE! Why the hell are we talking like Americans?"

"KOWABONGA, DUDES!" said the Boy Who Lived, riding an imaginary surfboard.

Ron eyed him reproachfully. "We're here!" announced Colin Creevy.

Harry Potter looked at Colin, wondering when he had gotten there and why he was following them. "When did you get here and why are you following us?" he asked.

"He's so cute," Hermione lied as they entered the classroom. She glanced hopefully at Ron, who had not even noticed she said something.

Snape yelled at them and some other Gryffindors that had arrived, "POTTER! WEASLY! GRANGER! O'NEILY! SMITH! BOOT! POLISH! SPIT! BOTTUM! LICKER! 500 points from Gryffindor!"

"Why?" Harry Potter wanted to know.

Snape shrugged.

Mad-Eye Moody yelled, "CONSTANT VIGILANCE!"

"When did you get there, then?" Colin inquired.

"Didn't you just leave?" asked Harry Potter.

"Uh," Colin looked shiftily around, "Got to go!"

They had potions twice; it was boring, Malfoy was stupid, Snape picked on Harry Potter and his buddies and they left.

"OY! Malfoy!" Ron called after Malfoy as they walked to lunch. "Did you wet the sheets last night? Didja pee your pajamas? Huh? Didja?"

"Why would want to know, you gay little turd?" Malfoy called back over his shoulder. Ron turned bright red. Harry Potter executed the Heimlich maneuver, and Ron spat out Colin. Harry Potter then proceeded to trip. Bridget appeared out off nowhere. "Can I have lunch with you, peach fuzz?"

"Peach fuzz…?"

"You like it? Maybe 'scabby pearl' or 'sharp smelly teddy'?"

"Um, peach fuzz is good."

Hermione exclaimed, "You're that girl from the lou!"

Ron looked at her as if he only just noticed she was there. "Oh, have you two met?"

Harry Potter sat down. His foot was killing him. He removed his shoe and sock. He examined it, and upon come to the conclusion that he had attained a blister, he proceeded to attempt inserting his entire foot into his mouth, and failed miserably.

"Ron," Hermione was saying to Ron, "This girl is a total idiot. I was taking a pee, and she…"

Bridget wasn't liking this. Ron said, "Yeah, but what's done is done, right? It's all in the past, am I right?"

Hermione wanted to punch him. She then wondered why she didn't. So she punched him. At this point, Bridget head-butted her. Hermione pulled Bridget's hair, removing some shards. Ron moaned, "Come on, can't we all be friends?"

To which Hermione and Bridget said the obvious answer, which was, "NO!" Bridget rendered Hermione unconscious with her Standard Book of Spells, Grade 7. Or so was the popular opinion. In reality, Harry Potter had withdrawn his foot from his own jaws and the odor was the reason why Hermione lie on the floor.

Nuttier than that peanut shit that put in sandwiches, no? NEXT CHAPTER: middle names, gay pride, Dobby and chrome.