Disclaimer: Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. The use of its characters, locations, and universe is merely a lend. I only own the rather plot-less dialogue.
A.N.: This has absolutely no connection with the other two chapters. So if you're waiting for news about Remus and his possible romance with one Nymphadora Tonks, I'm very sorry to disappoint you.
This one takes place during Remus and Lily's Hogwarts days, about their sixth year, I think. Setting? Great Hall, probably. Gryffindor Table.
Talks Over Coffee Mugs
Sunday Morning
"Pass the coffee."
"I'm sorry, what did you say?"
"Remus!"
"Glaring will get you nowhere, Ms. Evans."
"Fine. Would you please pass me the coffee? Please? Pretty please?"
"Of course. Here you go."
"Thank you. You're an absolute life-saver. And a complete tosser for making me suffer like this too, actually."
"Do I detect traces of a hangover?"
"Yes…"
"I do?"
"Well, you asked. Why does the answer surprise you so much?"
"Because I never thought it was actually true. What happened?"
"Sirius happened."
"And how exactly does that answer my question? Am I supposed to believe Padfoot got you drunk last night?"
"He might as well have."
"You're not serious."
"No, of course not. What I meant is that he and Marlene had a fight, and she stormed into the dormitory last night ranting infinitely about him, and the result was that we somehow all got to drink firewhiskey late into the night."
"You have firewhiskey stashed away in your dorm?"
"Every girls' dorm has one. Why do you think boys aren't allowed there?"
"Lily…"
"No, really. We all have these wild parties in each other's dorms when we drink till our livers and heads explode in the morning, and you're all none the wiser."
"All right. You've already proven your own abilities at sarcasm. Now seriously, where did you get firewhiskey?"
"I think she got it from Sirius himself. I actually believe that was why they fought."
"Oh yes, I seem to remember something about it last night."
"You seem to remember?"
"After over five years, you learn to tune out the unimportant things that happen around you."
"I know what you mean. We tried that last night and yet we still all started ranting about boys, and the firewhiskey came into the play. And now my head is simply pounding."
"Hmm, I see. You should have told me. I'd have left you sleep in."
"No, I couldn't do that to you. We'd postponed filling up these prefect reports all week."
"I could've done it all myself, you know. I am very able like that."
"I know you are, Remus. But it wouldn't be fair to you."
"Is it fair that now you're here stuck with me filling up reports when you can not even see what's written in the parchment in front of you?"
"Point taken. Although I don't consider punishment being stuck with you."
"Thank you. Now why don't you go back to your dorm?"
"No, I'm up already. I might as well do something."
"You're not doing anything. You should take something for the headache."
"Remus, it's a hangover. It's not bound to go away so soon. And meanwhile, I'm staying here with you, helping with the reports."
"Why are you being so stubborn?"
"Hi, I'm Lily Evans. Nice to meet you for the first time ever."
"Okay, point taken also. But you should see other guys will not be jealous that I get to spend time with you if you're not all bright and shiny, but moody and in considerable pain."
"Ah, so that's why you're so concerned with my headache?"
"That, and because I actually care about you. And I know what it's like to be in pain and have to wake up early in the morning. Which you shouldn't, as it's Sunday, and normal people, even those who haven't been up drinking late into the night, are sleeping in."
"But then they're all jealous because they don't get to spend time with me."
"You're incorrigible, Lily. But you're also right."
"Of course I am. Now why don't you give me half that pile of parchments and let me do my job already?"
"Are you sure about it? It would be quite all right if you went back to sleep. I wouldn't think any less of you, you know."
"Well, thank you for being annoyingly chivalrous and thoughtful, but I think I'll stay. I wouldn't be able to get back to sleep now with all the coffee. Besides, Dawn snores, it would be quite a painful experience to go back to the dorm now."
"Dawn snores?"
"You didn't hear it from me, and I mean it, Remus! If she knows I told you so, she'll absolutely kill me."
"All right. You know, you're an oddly talkative person, for someone with a hangover."
"I know. But then again, I've never been exactly normal."
"Is there anything such as normal?"
"Haven't we had this conversation before?"
"Are there still conversations we hadn't had?"
"You think we've run out of conversations to have?"
"Is there anything such as running out of conversations to have?"
"Why are you answering my questions with a question?"
"Why are you?"
"Argh! You know, you're not making any easier this hangover thing with the way this talk is going."
"Good. I'm trying to persuade you to go back to sleep, even if I have to be annoying to do so."
"Don't flatter yourself, darling. You're always annoying."
"Ouch. That hurt, Lily."
"I'm sorry. It's the headache."
"And the hangover?"
"Probably. And this very weird conversation."
"Hmm. We've probably had weirder ones."
"Well, I can't think of any right now. And you're distracting me, I know what you're doing. You really won't let me help you with the reports?"
"Why don't we do this: I write, occasionally ask you for help if any details should slip my mind, and meanwhile you drink coffee and tell me what happened last night?"
"Ah, so you're giving up trying to get me into bed?"
"You do know what that would sound like if anyone listened to you right now, don't you?"
"Of course. Why do you think I had so much fun saying it?"
"James would kill me if he heard and misinterpreted it…"
"Oh, who cares about him anyway?"
"I do."
"It was a rhetorical question, Remus. You're not supposed to really answer it, you know."
"I know. But I wanted to."
"Hum. I'll let this one go because I'd rather we didn't argue right now. What were you saying before this all started?"
"You were going to tell me about last night."
"Was I? Oh yes. So, I was up in my dorm reading Witch Weekly—"
"You read Witch Weekly?"
"Didn't I just say that?"
"I'm sorry, it's just that… I never thought you were the kind."
"The kind? What? I'm a girl, aren't I? I think I'm allowed to behave like a frivolous female every now and then in the safety, comfort, and privacy of my own dorm."
"You're right. That was stupid of me, I'm sorry."
"That's okay. Besides, it wasn't mine. It was Heather's. I only borrowed it because I was rather bored."
"Ah. I knew there was something more. But do continue."
"All right. So I was reading a very pointless article, I must say, that started talking of Voldemort and the war, and somehow ended up discussing the finer points of self-stirring cauldrons, when suddenly this girl we know as Marlene McKinnon enters our dorm."
"I'll ignore the inane article, and focus on the most important matter. Was she mad?"
"Completely livid. But then, that's usually what I expect when she goes out on a date with Sirius. Either she comes back really late into the night and she's all dreamy, or she comes earlier, and she's furious."
"What was the fight about this time?"
"Did you really not hear Sirius ranting about it last night? How can you ignore him like that, so completely?"
"It's Sirius we're talking about. He'll come in, say something about, 'Now, you can't possibly say all women aren't crazy!', James will agree, Peter will stammer something unintelligible, and when I try asking something that actually makes sense, they ignore me and say I should stop trying to be sensible."
"It seems like a weekly ritual, the way you talk."
"Quite so. From then on, there are three alternatives. They will either get the firewhiskey and drink till they have absolutely no idea what they were talking about in the first place, or Sirius will refuse to comment, we'll pester him, he'll get mad and shut the hangings of his bed, or he'll go out again and return some time later when he's calmer. Then we'll pester him, he'll get mad again and shut the hangings of his bed. Or he'll ramble and get the firewhiskey."
"I think I got the gist of it. And what happened last night?"
"Firewhiskey. That's why they're all still sleeping."
"That and the fact that it's too damn early in the morning. And I thought Marlene had gotten Sirius's firewhiskey?"
"He had another bottle."
"Of course. And why aren't you sleeping in as well?"
"I didn't drink as much as they did. That or I'm actually concealing the fact that I also have an excruciating hangover, and my ploy to get you back to sleep was so that I'd actually be able to do it as well."
"Oh, really?"
"Yes. But don't sound so concerned. I think you're worse for wear than me."
"Oh now that's helpful. And flattering."
"I didn't mean it like that, and you know it. Only that I think I have a bit more experience with drinking late into the night than you do."
"Hmm, it'd appear to be so. Does that mean you were ranting about girls with the others?"
"Perhaps."
"Really? Who were you ranting about? Anyone I know?"
"No comments on that."
"Suit yourself. I can always go ask the boys who you were talking about."
"Then you'll be sorely disappointed, for I didn't mention any names."
"You didn't? You take the whole fun out of ranting if you keep the names to yourself, you know."
"Actually, in a dormitory with James, Sirius, and Peter, it's more like self preservation, really. I've learned my lesson about taking advice from them, or letting them interfere with my romantic affairs."
"Hmm. So you really were ranting about a girl. Who is she?"
"Don't you ever give up?"
"No. At least not so soon, I don't think so."
"Why are you so interested, anyway? And I thought we were talking about Sirius and Marlene's fight."
"Really, they fight every other week. Next month we can be sitting here just like now, and we'll still be talking about their latest fight."
"Yes, it seems they enjoy their fights as much as the calm periods."
"They're both very dramatic people. It's only natural they'd need some sort of conflict to keep the spark on their relationship."
"I only hope they know when to stop it. For all I see, Sirius cares about her more than any other girl he's ever met."
"That's good, then. I do think they make a very nice couple."
"She is a lovely, wonderful girl."
"Do you still love her?"
"What? Where did that come from?"
"Well, you two did date a couple of years ago, and just now you nearly admitted you're suffering because of a girl. I only thought that, well, maybe if it was Marlene, you wouldn't have someone to talk about it. And I wanted to be here for you, if that's the case."
"First of all, let me thank you for worrying so much about me. Now, I never said I'm suffering because of a girl, and if I was it's certainly not Marlene. I'm very happy to see her with Sirius. Even though he at times behaves like a complete idiot."
"Yes, I know, and agree completely. Now. Again, you've admitted you're suffering because of a girl, only she isn't Marlene. Who is she, then?"
"You're starting to sound like a broken record, Lily."
"Oh c'mon! Maybe I can help."
"I doubt it."
"Clearly, you don't trust me as much as I thought you did."
"Now, don't go and try to make me feel guilty about this. You know very well that's not the case here."
"You're so mean. Not only you won't tell me, but you drag me out of bed at this ungodly hour when I'm nearly dying with this headache—"
"Lily!"
"Okay, I'm sorry, I was only joking. But why don't you think I can help? Just because my own romantic life is disastrous doesn't mean I'd also be wrong with the advice I have to give."
"It's not a question of trusting you or your judgement. I think you give brilliant advice. And I don't see any indicative that you have a catastrophe of a love life."
"Then clearly you're not looking in the right places. My last few relationships were a bit disastrous. And if I were successful, I'd have a boyfriend right now, don't you think?"
"Would you rather have a boyfriend and be in a disastrous relationship, or be single and looking for someone who actually deserves you?"
"Hmm. Well said. You see, you're also quite brilliant. You should take your own advices."
"That's not the way it works. We never take our own advice. Although if that actually happened, I imagine I would be with someone right now."
"You are with someone. You're with me."
"Yes, but you know what I mean. Right?"
"…Of course I do. I was only being silly."
"What's the matter? Is everything all right, Lily?"
"Yeah. It's just the headache."
"Do you want me to get something for you in the Hospital Wing?"
"No, no, it's okay. You shouldn't worry about me."
"Don't be silly. One minute you're all laughing and teasing, and the next you look like you're about to cry. Of course I'm going to worry about you."
"I hardly think I'm about to cry."
"Should I conjure you a mirror so you see for yourself?"
"It's the hangover, Remus. That's all. Well, that's the last time I'll allow Marlene to bring alcohol into our dorm when we're all prone to rant endlessly."
"Which reminds me. You never said why you were rambling and ranting."
"Oh. Just about the usual. The Witch Weekly ridiculous article, my current state of life with no meaningful relationship, the war, Potter, you…"
"Me? Why would you rant about me?"
"Wouldn't you like to know?"
"Yes, and that's why I'm asking."
"I'll tell if you tell."
"I wasn't ranting about you."
"No, you are suffering for a girl."
"Oh we're back to that."
"Yes, we are."
"Hmm. I think you weren't ranting about me at all. You're only saying that because you want me to give in and tell you what you want to know."
"Maybe. Maybe not."
"If you were ranting about me last night, and considering you're still talking to me this morning, I think it's safe to assume you're not mad at me anymore."
"I never said I was mad at you."
"Well then, this doesn't make any sense!"
"I could be mad with something that relates to you, but not mad directly at you."
"You're a very confusing person, Lily."
"I know. And it is early in the morning, and we're both hung-over. It's quite an achievement, don't you think?"
"I think the circumstances only make it easier for things to be confusing."
"Exactly. It's amazing we can communicate at all."
"You're absolutely right. And that is why I'll get us something for these headaches."
"Really? I could go, if you'd like."
"No, you stay here and sit tight. I'm just running up to the Hospital Wing, I'll be back in a minute."
"Good, because despite all my refusals, the pounding really is getting worse. You're a sweetheart for doing this, and an absolute life-saver."
"I think you've said that already."
"And I mean it every time."
"Well, I'm only taking care of you. After all, what kind of a friend would I be if I didn't?"
"Hmm, a boyfriend?"
"If that's your real answer, then I don't need to ask if you're traumatized from past relationships."
"I thought that was already established long ago."
"Well, I'm going. When I get back, we'll get rid of the pounding, the confusing dialogue, and maybe try to improve your taste in men."
"Yeah. We'll do that."
A.N.: Confusing? Inane? Pointless? You tell me! Incidentally, I'm not hung-over right now. But I know what it's like to have a dialogue like that. Headaches will make you say the stupidest things.