My Anchor by Sian

Synopsis: The Doctor thinks on his feelings for Rose.
Characters: The Doctor (ten)
Episode/Spoilers: Post Doomsday
Notes: I know everyone's writing them, and I tried to resist I really did, but it wouldn't leave me alone.
I've never been a Doctor/Rose shipper, this is just my take on their relationship and how I think it changed from Nine to Ten.

At first she'd been his anchor, a ray of light in the dark place he'd been descending into.

For three days after his eighth regeneration, he'd been aimless, a lost soul. He hadn't even bothered changing out of the Victorian garb he'd been wearing. But then, on the fourth day, the TARDIS had alerted him to a threat on Earth in the early part of the 21st century. He can admit now that the only reason he responded was because he felt some responsibility. The Nestine Consciousness had been made homeless in the time war after all.

So he'd arrived in London in 2005. Had tracked the living plastic to a department store in the city centre. He could possibly have stopped it using more subtle means, but he wasn't feeling subtle, so he'd made a bomb and taken it to the store. It would have been easy to blow himself up with the plastic, maybe he wouldn't regenerate this time, but when he'd checked more thoroughly, he'd found that Consciousness wasn't there.

And that was when he'd met her. Rose Tyler. She should have been terrified, most Humans, and non-Humans for that matter, would have been. But instead, even though she was scared, she'd argued with him. He'd liked that. Had found himself smiling and then laughing for the first time since the war.

He hadn't anticipated the sorrow he'd felt when she'd said she couldn't go with him, she had to stay with her mum and Mickey. He was alone again, traveling aimlessly through space and time. Yes, he'd had some adventures, but a journey's not much fun on your own.

He'd found himself in Sumatra in August 1883. That had been frightening. Forty thousand people had died, but he'd survived and so had the TARDIS. He had wondered, for a brief moment, whether he'd regenerate if he was swallowed by lava or hot ash. But the moment had passed and he'd run with everyone else, eventually finding himself washed up on a beach with 23 others. Finding the TARDIS again had taken two weeks.

He'd gone to Dallas in 1963 and seen Kennedy assassinated. He'd visited New York in 1938 and watched as panic ensued when people thought aliens had landed, little did they know! Then he'd left Earth and visited Preiana Prime just in time to see the historic crowning of a new emperor. Historic because, although Hgeanui Ppe and his people didn't know it yet, in a few short years revolution and democracy would come to Preiana. Hgeanui would be their last emperor dictator.

After a few months though, he'd finally admitted that no amount of traveling was going to fill the silence and no one he'd met had matched up to Rose Tyler. So he'd returned to London, arriving thirteen and a half seconds after he'd last left. Again he'd asked Rose to join him, this time not forgetting to mention he could also travel in time. To his delight, she'd agreed. In fact she'd run inside the TARDIS with a grin to match his own.

Sure enough, as the days and weeks passed, the silence in his mind became more bearable. When he was feeling low, feeling like he couldn't go on, she was there, and there was always somewhere new to take her. One morning he woke up and realised that he was having fun again. He also realised that Rose had become more to him than a companion, his feelings for her ran much deeper than friendship. He could never act on those feelings, he knew that. But just knowing he could feel again was uplifting.

Of course their life was dangerous, but what was life without danger? Jackie's question had made him think though. Could he promise that he'd always keep Rose safe? He knew he couldn't, but he did promise to do all he could to protect her. And so he'd created Emergency Programme One to take her home if he was not longer able to. After their first Christmas, before they'd left New Earth, he'd shown her how to use it, how to implement it herself. She'd argued of course, told him she would never leave him, got upset that he'd think she would. But he had to know she had the ability to get home if he died.

Regenerating not only changes his body, it also changes his personality. His tenth self was less vulnerable than the ninth, not so damaged by past events. This new Doctor was acutely aware that his feelings for Rose were dangerous for both of them. And so he'd started to build his defences back up, pushed her away a little. Ensured their relationship was no more than a friendship. He still loved her, loved being with her. But meeting up with Sarah-Jane again had been the wake-up call he'd needed. He couldn't afford to depend on Rose emotionally. He had to start remembering that she couldn't be there forever.

And then Torchwood had come into their lives. And Daleks of course, haunting him still. And she was gone. He knew it should be a comfort that she was still alive, and it was, of sorts. But he couldn't bear that he didn't know what had happened to her. Was she happy? What was she doing? Was she really alive, had her and Pete made it back to Pete's world?

So he'd spent months searching the last gaps in the universe, finding a supernova to give the TARDIS the power, calling to Rose across the void. And he'd managed to say goodbye, had seen that she was safe and well with her parents and Mickey. He'd actually managed to hold himself together as they'd talked, until she'd said she loved him. Then his hearts had broken all over again. He knew then that he could finally say it, could tell her the truth. But he'd waited too long. The gap sealed and they were separated forever.

The irony wasn't lost on him, even as he tried to work out why there was a strange woman in the console room. Travel between parallel worlds had been possible once, before Gallifrey was destroyed, before the Time Lords were wiped out, by him. And then more irony, one more twist of fate. If his home planet hadn't been destroyed, he would never have met Rose Tyler and would have had no need to visit a parallel world.

So the nineteen year old Human had healed the thousand year old Time Lord. Had reminded him that life really was worth living, was precious. And now he had the strength the carry on, because it was what she would have told him to do, what she would want. Anyway, she was working for Torchwood, he was an alien, a time traveler - who was to say they wouldn't meet again one day.

END