Hi again!

Sorry the posting is so late. I have exams coming up and well…. It's crunch time. Thank you everyone for being patient. Pleas review! And a big thank you to everyone who reviewed the last chapter. I really appreciate it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed, Gundam Seed Destiny or any references made to either series. The doctors are mine though.

Abhorrence

Chapter #20: Free No More

It was the sound of droplets of rain pelting down steadily against the roof that stirred the young man from his deep slumber. Trapped in a state of semi-consciousness, Athrun forced his eyes open a crack and moaned softly. His limbs felt stiff, his head swimming as each rain drop sounded like an explosion erupting inside his head.

The night had not been kind to him and for some reason he had awakened with a painful headache and an uneasiness that didn't want to release him. Recently, his sleep had been nothing but a gateway for nightmares. He didn't know how long he had been restricted to his bed but it felt like an eternity. In reality it had only been five weeks. During that time, he had sensed the presence of doctors, nurses and strangers that would come and poke and prod at him as though he were a mire lab experiment. Just because most of the time he hadn't been fully conscious did not mean that he wasn't aware that they were there.

Perhaps the worst of them all was Dr. Moshi.

Every day the doctor would come and immediately begin to bombard him with questions, not really waiting for answers before continuing the onslaught of torture on his exhausted brain. Athrun tensed with anger. He hated him, he hated what he did to him and he hated the way he made him feel. After Athrun failed to correctly respond to most of his inquiries, the doctor would hum and haw and then shake his head in disapproval before taking his leave. It made Athrun feel awful. It made him feel stupid, pathetic, useless and… dismal.

To be fair though, Athrun hadn't been overly cooperative. After deciding that he did not like Dr. Moshi, Athrun made next to no effort to participate in any sort of conversation with him during their sessions together. He had struggled with Dr. Biggs when he came in to take his routine blood test and he almost always refused to eat when the nurses brought him his meals. On more than one occasion he had been forced to eat. It wasn't that he was deliberately being stubborn – it was just he wasn't hungry and the thought of food made him want to vomit.

Once, he had even overhead Dr. Moshi grumble to one of the nurses about how he was the worst patient he had ever seen but Athrun could care less. All he wanted to do was leave and only a promise by Dr. Forestin that would be discharged on June 24 kept him from trying to break out of the hospital. He felt caged, trapped and completely helpless. The doctors had given him permission to get out of bed and move around freely but his he was still restricted to his room and the bathroom that was jointed to it. It reminded him of his time with the Blue Cosmos and he desperately wished that everyone would just leave him alone.

He was aware that he had had visitors throughout his stay at the hospital for they had left reminders for him around the room. On the table to his left, there was a large bouquet of flowers that he was sure were left from Lacus and Kira. Stretched across the bare wall was a large banner that read "Get Well Soon." Also, bundles of balloons and gifts had gathered on the floor adding color to his dull surroundings which he also assumed were from Lacus and Kira. Finally, on the table to his far right, there was a pile of get well cards. His lip curled into a small smile when he focused on the closest one to him and read the inscription on it.

Athrun,

Feel better,

Yzak

Athrun shook his head. Yzak had never been one for words.

The back of his throat contracted and his stomach clenched powerfully. He lay in bed, stomach churning, trying to decide what to do. Should he try to make it to the bathroom, and possibly aggravate his stomach more, or stay in bed and hope it calmed down?

When it lurched again, Athrun realized it wasn't going to calm down.

Blinking to clear his hazy vision, Athrun's eyes fell upon the bathroom across the room. His stomach growled a second time and Athrun realized that unless he moved, he was going to throw up. Athrun slid one leg over the side of his bed, the other following close behind as he stumbled out of bed and staggered towards the bathroom.

He fell down hard on his knees in front of the toilet and stared blankly at the water while the tremors in his body worsened. Convulsions started low in his belly and rolled upwards until his mouth filled with bile. The medication… his mind just barely processed. The night before Dr. Biggs had given him something to help him sleep despite his futile protests - He was having a reaction to it.

He leaned violently into the bowl and vomited out all the accumulated pain, shame, and humiliation. He coughed and choked on the foul liquid as it burned the back of his throat and seared his nasal passages. He squeezed his eyes shut at the stinging sensation and felt hot tears scoring his cheeks. When the heaving stopped, his head fell onto his outstretched arm.

Panting with exhaustion, he absently spat the drool lingering on his lips and waited for his body to recover. He looked down, staring through the frothy, half-digested contents of the bowl. There had been very little in his stomach. He retched violently again, dry heaved until he felt like his stomach had turned inside-out, and then promptly sank to the bathroom floor, letting his eyes drift shut for a moment.

Athrun came back to consciousness sometime later, confused briefly as to why he was on the floor. He blinked up at the ceiling while his eyes adjusted to the light. It was still haunting pallid. Athrun was on his back with his neck bent awkwardly, chin touching his collarbone. He had apparently fallen back against the sink and then his limp body slumped down into its current position, wedged into the corner between the wall and the sink. He groaned loudly as the muscles in his neck and shoulders protested painfully as he began to slowly pull himself upright. The sudden rush of blood back into his head caused him to cry out and clutch his scalp as white-hot pain tore through his brain like a knife. He nearly passed out again from the onslaught, but squeezed his eyes shut and just rode out the wave until it subsided.

It took another long stretch of minutes for him to rally the energy to pull himself to his feet. Once that was accomplished, he held onto the sink until the dizziness passed. Athrun nearly gagged again at the horrible taste in his mouth and leaned over the sink to cup the cold water from the faucet in his hand and bring it up to his mouth to gargle and wash his chin. He repeated this process until he could no longer taste what he had regurgitated. Athrun hissed loudly between his teeth when the water splashed up onto his abraded wrists, causing pain to blaze through the raw skin. Glancing down, he realized that each of his wrists had been wrapped in gauze but that didn't stop the agony that seared through them when the cold liquid splashed against them.

He bit his lip to stave off some of the queasiness that momentarily rushed through him. His eyes momentarily caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror and he froze, horrified. The gown he wore clung to his lithe and sickly body and he was shocked by the haggard expression on his face. His left shoulder and chest seemed unnaturally bulky and he realized that a tight bandage had been wrapped around his waist and left shoulder. What had happened to him! This couldn't be him could it? Athrun raised a trembling hand to the glass, watching as his reflection did the same. The bruises the marred his once handsome features were fading but that didn't change the fact that they were there. That they had done this to him.

A soft chilling wind swept through his bedroom, sinking it's fangs into his bones as the rain continued to fall steadily. His gaze still bored into the young man staring back at him through the mirror – for a moment, he had thought that the last few months had simply been a bad dream. Something he could awaken from.

His expression widened when his tired mind realized the reflection in the glass was in fact his own and he stepped back, slowly reaching up towards his swollen and bruised eye. His grimaced as his fingers delicately ran across the purple, flesh and cowered away from the painful sensation that the motion had caused. It would be sore for a very, very long time – a constant reminder of a day, a time and a place that he desperately wanted to forget.

Athrun bowed his head, clutching both sides of the bowl tightly. His legs felt unsteady and he felt pathetically weak. He hated feeling weak. He hated feeling dependant and vulnerable and for the last while that was all he had been. He would have died had it not been for the old man in the prison and now, he was at the mercy of the medical staff. Still vulnerable, still pathetically weak.

"Athrun?"

Unresponsive, Athrun watched as Dr. Moshi's reflection appeared in the window behind his own. His expression was sad as he approached him cautiously. His movements were slow and draw out, leaving Athrun on edge.

"Do you need assistance?" The doctor called causing Athrun to nearly jump right out of his skin. Throwing a startled glance over at his door, his eyes narrowed at the sight of the doctor who was now standing behind him and eying him with curiously. He hadn't even heard the man enter.

"No, thanks." Athrun mumbled and shuddered as a wave of dizziness swept over him. "I'm fine."

The doctor wasn't convinced. "It looks to me like you have just been sick to your stomach. Perhaps we should sit down and discuss it. I'm your friend, Athrun. Remember that. Whatever is bothering you we can sit down and talk about."

Athrun's body tensed as his expression became steely and cold. Talk. That was all this man wanted to do was talk! Talk and talk and talk about all the things that Athrun wanted to keep buried and locked away. He felt a hand come down on his good shoulder and something inside of him snapped. He violently swung around to remove the unwanted hand but lost his balance and fell hard onto the floor. He kicked his legs wildly as he scrambled back up to his feet, backing up against the ceramic wall.

"What do you want?" Athrun croaked. He desperately wished he had the pistol he had carried with him during the war but that was long gone. If he had it with him, he could blow this guy away and then… Athrun jolted in alarm. Where were these thoughts coming from? He shouldn't be thinking like this! He wasn't a killer.

"I came to speak with you."

"Speak with me," Athrun parroted while he tried to shake off the initial scare that the man's touch had caused. "I didn't hear you come in."

"I'm sorry if I startled you." Dr. Moshi stated dryly. "Are you sure you don't need a nurse?'

"I said I was fine."

"Very well," Dr. Moshi wasn't convinced but had learned better than to push the issue. The man watched as Athrun continued to stare at him warily, silently warning him to stay back. "So, how do you feel this morning?"

"Better," Athrun lied and took a deep breath. He wanted to get out of here. He despised the doctors, he hated being constantly reminded of what had happened to him and his injuries and he didn't appreciate being continually pampered by people he didn't even know.

"Do you know what day it is today?" Dr. Moshi asked as he eyed Athrun suspiciously. He could see that he had sweated out his gown and he could hear a slight trembling in his voice. With his clipboard in hand, he pulled out a pen from his breast pocket and prepared to start writing. It was something that only added to Athrun's anger.

"The day after yesterday," Athrun muttered under his breath and ripped his gaze away from him. There had been a time when he had tried to answer this man's questions but the result was only painful headaches that resulted from the memories this man continually forced him to relive and they made his insides churn. Now, he didn't even try.

"Today is June 24," The doctor answered curtly and shook his head in frustration. "You need to at least try to be cooperative. You have suffered a lot of trauma and we need to make sure that you are in good mental health."

"When can I leave?" Athrun demanded and reopened his eyes to throw a questioning stare of his own. "Dr. Forestin said yesterday that I could leave tomorrow which would be today."

Doctor Moshi shook his head and put a hand over his patient's forehead to check for a fever. He found none. "I know what Dr. Forestin said…"

"So today then?"

"Athrun..." The doctor tired to cover up his frustration but it didn't slip past his patient.

Athrun could hear the irritation in his voice and see it in his dark eyes. It was hard not to. His questions were often met with condemning stares and sharp responses that usually made it seem as though he was more of a burden than a patient.

"Athrun," Dr. Moshi cleared his throat. Leaning forward, he willed the young man to meet him eye to eye. "I'm going to be frank with you as it seems to be the only way I can get anything through to you."

Athrun licked his lips nervously. He didn't like the way this was sounding.

"I personally do not feel that you are ready to leave the hospital," Dr. Moshi told him sternly, his eyes unwavering as the boy's eyes widened in horror. "You haven't shown very much progress and some of your behavior has been, at times, rather unpredictable."

"W… what?" Athrun tried to sit up and bit back a groan as the sudden motion made his head spin. This couldn't be happening. This just couldn't be happening! He felt the color drain from his face. He was never going to get out of here!

"I've done some research into your history in order to better understand your behavior and there is a lot that troubles me," The doctor continued. "You were a mobile suit ace during the war and a trained soldier."

Athrun could only nod stupidly. He didn't understand what that had to do with anything.

"Look at yourself," Dr. Moshi shook his head. "You have capabilities that would make you very difficult to control should you decide to act out of fear. Take now for instance. I step into the room and just the look in your eyes screams murder."

Athrun recoiled, feeling as if someone had just punched him in the stomach. "Are you saying that I'm… dangerous?" His hands clinched into fists as he shot the doctor an incensed glare.

"You are not stable," The doctor corrected simply. "You aren't demonstrating that you have come to terms with all that has happened and that can be hazardous. I don't think you've even shed a tear over what has transpired. It can make you dangerous and when considering your history… you could yourself become a threat to the people around you."

"You can't keep me here." Athrun snarled archly. "I haven't done anything…"

"Exactly," The doctor cut him off. "And I don't think it is wise to put you in a position where you could do something you may regret later."

Choosing not to reply, Athrun dropped his gaze to the tile floor and lowered his eyes in mild shame. It was embarrassing and humiliating. Never had he felt so miserable. "What is it you want me to do?" He demanded bitterly. "Do you want me to cry?"

If that was what this man wanted then Athrun was certain that he could shed tears of extreme frustration at the prospect of being trapped in the hospital for the rest of his life. He was trapped. Regardless of what happened, he would never be free and in control of his life again. This was too much and again his stomach lurched painfully. A wave of dizziness that threatened to buckle his knees surged through Athrun's body and he threw out a hand to steady himself on the wall. Dr. Moshi took a step towards him.

"Athrun?"

"Why can't you just leave me alone?" Athrun's grip on the wall tightened as the words just barely escaped his trembling lips. Defeated in mind and spirit, Athrun sagged to his knees. He could hear Jibril's words echoing in his mind, shouting and yelling at him. He could hear Dr. Moshi's persistent questions rattling in his ear drums and he clutched his head with both hands, palms pressing into his temples in an effort to ease the torture.

Despite Athrun's assurance earlier that he was fine, Dr. Moshi was by his side in a flash.

"No, don't touch me," Athrun moaned as the doctor placed his hands on his shoulders.

"Athrun, look at me." He ordered.

The blue-haired youth swatted at the persistent hands that were attempting to pry his own from his head. The quick, jarring motions caused another wave of nausea and Athrun doubled over. "Oh, God," He whimpered as his stomach began an all-too-familiar rippling.

Dr. Moshi reacted immediately ad hauled him by his good arm and half-carried, half-dragged him back towards the toilet.

Athrun began coughing and choking the moment his face was over the bowl but there was nothing left in his stomach to come up. His whole body heaved forward painfully with each spasm, blacking out his vision. In between convulsions, he became aware of a light caressing on his back.

"Easy… relax, Athrun," The doctor whispered soothingly as he crouched beside him and rubbed his hand in a circular motion between his shoulder blades.

Athrun hated to admit it but it was helping. After a few more coughs, he spat the drool out of his mouth and wiped the tears from his cheeks. When he was confident that he was finished, he sat back up. The doctor handed him a towel and, reluctantly, Athrun accepted it. He felt disgusting. He was drenched in sweat, his hospital gown clinging to his lithe body and his bangs were sticking to his forehead.

"Feel better now?"

Athrun narrowed his eyes over the towel and the man in front of him. "I don't want to stay here anymore," He told him firmly. "Dr. Forestin promised… he said I could leave today. I want to go home."

The doctor thought it was strange for him to say he wanted to go home when, in reality, Athrun really didn't have anywhere to go to. He'd been staying with Cagalli and working as her bodyguard but he hadn't really established himself. Nevertheless, he didn't question him. He could see that Athrun was hurting and that the atmosphere of the hospital was doing more damage than good.

"As I was saying earlier," The doctor inhaled deeply. "While I personally believe it isn't in your best interests to leave the hospital yet, I also believe that this atmosphere is causing you great distress."

Athrun nodded, swallowing to try and get rid of the burning sensation in his throat.

"Under certain conditions, I could approve your release from the hospital."

"Conditions?" Athrun pressed curiously. At this point he didn't care. He would do anything to be able to walk freely on the open streets. To be able to breath in the fresh air and feel the sun's rays caress his face.

"If you agree to a temporary suspension of your duties as Miss. Cagalli's body guard and attend regular sessions with me so we can still monitor your behavior and injuries then we could discharge you from the hospital." The doctor explained. "You must also agree to remain in this area. No traveling outside of Orb."

Athrun clinched his jaw and nodded again. "I understand."

"And you have to start cooperating with me when we do have our sessions," Dr. Moshi added quickly. "That includes taking your medication on a regular basis and having daily meals. I am well aware of how you fight with the nurses when they ask you to eat."

The thought of eating anything at that moment made his stomach churn but Athrun managed to keep everything down this time. His heart was slowing down and easing into a more normal pace as he felt himself start to calm down. "I will."

Dr. Moshi raised an eyebrow. "Is it that easy?"

"I'll make it that easy." Athrun snapped curtly and forced himself to stand.

"In that case, I will inform the gaggle in the lobby that you are ready to leave." Dr. Moshi announced, grinning widely. It was apparent that he was happy to be rid of the troublesome patient… at least for now. "They were all very anxious to see you."

Athrun watched him leave and tensed as the door slammed shut. Again, he was alone. Still standing in the bathroom, Athrun staggered over to his bed and sat down; the journey exhausting him. He looked over at his pile of get-well cards and smiled in spite of himself.

"Athrun!"

He knew that voice. Looking up, his entire expression brightened when he caught site of Cagalli standing by his door. He blond hair was tucked behind her ears and she was dressed in a neatly-pressed green shirt and jeans.

"Hi Cagalli," He whispered hoarsely and smiled weakly.

"Athrun!" Cagalli's high pitched cry filled the room and she rushed towards him, throwing her arms around his neck and squeezing him tightly. "You're coming home with us today!"

Athrun returned her embrace and grinned when he caught sight of Kira and Lacus waiting patiently by the door. They were going to take him home, he was finally going home, back to his own room, back to what he knew. His heart clinched painfully as he grimly realized that he still wasn't free. In exchange for permission to leave, he had agreed to return regularly so the doctors could assault him with their annoying questions and remind him of his ailments.

"How do you feel?" Kira asked, a large smile spitting his features.

"I want to go home," Athrun answered and with a deep breath, carefully planted his feet back on the floor and pushed himself upright. The sudden movement made him dizzy but he didn't care. Throwing both his legs over the edge of the bed he forced himself to stand.

The world spun and he staggered forward as a dizzy spell overtook him. His head felt heavy and he was sure that he was going to vomit again. However, he held it in and looked up at his friends, silently pleading for one of them to help him.

"I must have worn myself out," He mentally told himself and shook his head. "This is pathetic."

Cagalli seemed to understand that Athrun was struggling and hurried over, literally catching him just as he was about to fall forward onto the hard floor. Her heart ached when she heard him cry out softly against her shoulder and tighten his grip around her. Holding her, he hugged her tightly and closed his eyes, feeling safe in her grasp. He felt like a little child, desperately in need of a protective wing.

"I want to go home," He whispered and his voice cracked as he fought back tears of joy and relief. He knew he still wasn't well. He knew that he still had a lot of problems but he didn't care. All Athrun Zala wanted was to go home. Back to the life he had known before his capture.

"There, there," Cagalli gently caressed the back of the young man's head and held him close. "You're going home Athrun, you're going home."

Despite her efforts, Cagalli couldn't help but remember what the doctor had told her when they had first arrived at the hospital. "That boy is very, very ill…"

Would he be right? Was her Athrun gone, lost forever?

"No," She refused to believe it. She would help him. She would help him become strong again. She would see to it that he got better no matter what that meant.

"Can you help me?" Athrun asked quietly, his eyes low and full of shame. He hated showing weakness. However, the fact that the world was spinning assured him that he would never make it out of the hospital under his own power. The energy he had exerted during his discussion with Dr. Moshi alone had exhausted him. "I don't think I can walk on my own."

"Of course," Cagalli smiled, blinking back tears. "Come on, we are taking you home."

TBC

I'm sorry if Athrun seems out of character. I'll patch him up a bit more in the last chapter and then… it's over! I'm sad and happy at the same time. I know, more sad moments – next chapter will be a little more upbeat and happier – I promise! OMG! I saw episodes 6-10 of GSD and it's amazing! I absolutely love it! Too bad I have to wait for another two months to see the next five episodes sighs .

I had no idea how much work writing fanfiction was until this – I have new appreciation for everyone else that does this! Good job everyone! Please review – I'm sorry if there are errors – I posted this late and was… well tired hehehe.

Until next time,

Krilyn

ladyathena11 I'm glad I only had one error before. Sadly, I know I'll have more in this chapter. I do apologize because I don't enjoy seeing mistakes but I so desperately wanted to post this hehe. I hope you liked it.

Kageharu Kaco: I got the Dr. Moshi idea for you! Thanks so much! I just through him in there but you gave me lots of good ideas for this guy… nasty doctor lol kidding anyway, thanks again! Congrats on your summer starting up

"…" : Thanks again for the wonderful review. It's sad sometimes when you work hard and nobody reviews . Your reviews keep this story going lol so thank u

Cari-Akira: No, Cagalli probably shouldn't have signed the paper but.. what could she do eh? I needed some baddies for this story which is why I chose unato, yuna and jibril. Really, I don't mind any of them… except maybe yuna – really annoying hehehe. More sad Cagalli/ Athrun moments – next chapter is happier one – I promise.

Slightly Sinister Sinestra: Yes, I'm sure Athrun is my favorite character (believe it or not). Thanks for sticking with this story to the end. You and three others reviewed every chapter and I love you guys for it. The next chapter, there is something I think you might like. Maybe not, but I tried hehe.