Aw I love you guys and I am so glad you're as excited for this as I am. Alright let me think, oh yeah! This picks up a little while after the gang gets back from New York and the Christmas season is in full swing. In the beginning of this chapter Spied's singing different lyrics to Little Drummer Boy so that might help for the first few lines, I got it from Family Guy, I just love that show lol. I think that's all, but just as a small referesher- Jamie passed out in an airport after Pasty bit him and he confessed that he loves Kat. Alrighty that's all so on with the sequel! (that is so fun to say!)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, seriously.
Chapter 1: Oh, Inverted World
"I have some presents for you."
"Spied shut up."
"Up in my bum."
"Stop it."
"Up in my bum."
"Stop now."
"So he said to me,"
"Spied, stop."
"Let me see your bum. Let me see your bum."
"Can you stop ruining Little Drummer Boy please?" I pleaded. I was about to take a ham and plaster it across his face.
"As you wish Lady Squinty Frown." Spied chuckled some more with a flourishing bow and walked down the hall singing his alternative lyrics to the Christmas carol.
He is so going to get his ass kicked one of these days. I'm just waiting for him to bend over and give a perfect target, because my aim is really bad. I might burst his spleen if he stands the wrong way.
Wait… what is that.
Please cue disgusted and horrified voice here. (I would say something about it sounds like someone is strangling a cat or a moose or something, but that's so played out. I remember this one time I was watching this show on Nickelodeon about this kid that got turned into a dog and he had to do one hundred good deeds and he lived with the last kid he terrorized.
And that ugly nerdy kid had a sister who was learning to play the tuba or something. And ugly kid was like 'ARE YOU STRANGLING A MOOSE?' while she was playing and I said that for weeks on end. Then Sadie finally took the back of her head and smacked it into my face. My lip got stuck on my braces and I started to bleed so I ran up to her room tuned my lip inside out and pressed it all over her clothes. They were bloody for weeks.)
I faintly heard Jamie shouting about love and singing Whitney Houston. I walked down to the doors of G-Major where I had planned to meet Kat before a nice long and therapeutic day of shopping. But as I tore down the staircase, almost tripping twice, I reached the small platform that separated the second half of stairs and the first half and stopped. I listened to a few moments of Jamie sputtering about Bobby Brown before I moved off the platform and down a few stairs to peer more closely and crane my neck towards Kat and Jamie.
I'm pretty sure the shit it gonna hit the fan right about…
"Kat, do you really want me to go?"
"My hips don't lie. And I'm not feelin' you boy." What the hell?
"Kat, come on."
"No Jamie, I will not come."
…now.
Te he. From the staircase I could see Kat growing flustered and Jamie blushing intensely. It was sorta funny because he had snow in his hair and his face was a deep red. Vaguely candy-cane-ish and vaguely hilarious.
It would be completely hilarious if the Kat-Jamie, the Jaterina thing if you will, weren't so not funny. It actually makes me uncomfortable because I always remember the day I was a total bitch at the coffee shop. I was such a slut that week that I tried to steal Jamie from her. And I got a tattoo and then I made him get one… what a sad time in my life. I totally blame my dad for that one. And Tommy. He was douche those two weeks; he deserved a blow to the face. Then he would have been all ugly and nastiful and no one would want him.
There was never a time when that Denis Leary song, I'm an Asshole, ever applied to someone more than Tommy.
"I'm an asshole (He's an asshole)
I'm an asshole (Such as asshole)
I'm an asshole (He's the world's biggest asshole)"
I think you get the idea. That song is actually the least politically correct and the most mean-spirited song I've ever heard, but what the hell?
"No Jamie, I will not come on!" She restated as the normal coloring replenished itself in Jamie's cheeks. "Go have weird Gothic sex and leave me alone." She said meanly and poked him in the chest with a nail.
I watched him cringe and lightly moan in pain. I knew for a fact that it wasn't her words that were causing him such physical pain. It was her nail, digging into his flesh. Those things are like talons.
I was about to get up with a felt a sharp and painful twinge shoot from my lower back to the rest of my nerve endings. Jamie continued to sputter and stutter for twenty minutes and I felt bad for him. It's not every day that he professes his love to childhood friends in slightly cheesy manners. I think it's been six months.
He kept starting sentences only to trail off pathetically as Kat stood across for him, smirking her ass off. It was worse than when Spied and Shay made me decide who had a better Eastside Boyz impression on the plane ride back home. It was endless hours of the two battling over Wait, the Whisper Song.
"Wait till you see my-" Shay started in what I'm sure he thought was a sexy come hither whisper, only to cut off by a long wail.
"OHH!" Spied shouted loudly.
"What the hell man?"
"What?" Spied shrugged innocently. Innocent my ass, even Janeane Garofalo is more innocent than Spied. Well after a movie Ben Chaplin, your dirty points get knocked a little bit.
"You stole my thunder!" Oh no… this is like the Battle of Boy Divas 2: We're Back and on the Rack
(and ovulating. Ok, I'm officially not aloud to listen to any Eminem anymore. It polluted my brain mass.)
"Stole your thunder? Are you me?" Mason called incredulously. Shay shot me a questioning look but I could only laugh. I forgot no one knew that Mason's gay. He threw Mason a similar look who laughed at him too. But as Mason walked over to go the bathroom he pretended that turbulence shook that cabin and fell all over Shay.
I swear I saw groping of Shay's nether regions, but I can't know for sure. I was about to get up with a felt a sharp and painful twinge shoot from my lower back to the rest of my nerve endings. Jamie continued to sputter and stutter for twenty minutes and I felt bad for him. It's not every day that he professes his love to childhood friends in slightly cheesy manners. I think it's been six months. "OW!" I yelped and whirled around, ready to bash someone's face.
(You know there's something about the holidays that bring out the Andy Milonakis in me. I just want to go around and called people fat murders and make old ladies dress up like chickens and force them to let me wear their dentures and degrade their dignity. And call foreign delivery boys and smear peanut butter on my face before they come in and then scream demands at them that have varying levels of insanity. Is it just me?)
I turned around as Tommy caught a flying fist.
"It's not nice to eavesdrop." He told me playfully.
"It's not nice to grab my underwear." I retorted and planted a chaste kiss on his lips as I grabbed his ass. That was the beauty of what happened a week ago. I can grab Tommy's ass whenever I'm around.
Except when my dad is around, cause he doesn't know yet. I am currently paying Sadie in weekly Sephora trips to keep quiet and it's slowly killing.
And I can't maul his ass when Darius is around either.
Or Liam.
Or Portia.
Or E.J. (except I think she's secretly ok with it. She said 'someone had to tame the player' and I laughed, but I think she was more serious than not.) "Well I was planning on doing it during our studio time…" He said playfully as he removed my hand from his butt and molded his fingers against mine.
"But you got fired off my album."
"And now I'm stuck with…"
"Hey pretty boy! My juices are flowing again. Get your ass back before I bite it." Pasty called to her new producer.
"I so don't wanna know how she got her juices flowing again." I said with a slightly disgusted face.
"Well Jude, it's what's called masturb-"
"SPIED! Go away from me!" He gave a devilish grin and scampered off again. What the hell is wrong with him lately? I heard Kat scoff loudly and make an I-told-you-so face at Jamie. I knocked Tommy away from me as I crouched again to hear the conversation.
"Was that her?" She asked sarcastically. Jamie didn't catch on that it was rhetorical and answered her.
"Uh, yea." He said and waved in the general direction of Studio B. "But Kat, kitty Kat, you and I. We fit perfectly like two pieces of a puzzle."
"He's kinda Emo." Tommy observed in whisper from next to me.
"Shhhh! And it's the hair." I said, wondering if Jamie would break into song. He shook his limbs in a painfully awkward way, the way he always does when he thinks he's Ben Gibbard from Death Cab for Cutie.
"I am thinking it's a sign.
That the freckles in our eyes are mirror images,
and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned.
And I have to speculate,
that God himself did make
us into corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces-
And true it may seem like a stretch,
but it's thoughts like this that catch my troubled head
when you're away and I am missing you to death.
And you are out there on the road for several weeks of shows
and when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you."
Oh my bad, today he's Ben Gibbard from Postal Service. He sang along with a nonexistent synthesizer beat. Oh I feel so bad for him. But hey, now Iron and Wine wins best cover of Such Great Heights. Yay for Iron and Wine!
"Come down now! They'll say!" He shouted in a falsetto that would make James Blunt proud. But no one else. Just James Blunt.
Next to me, I heard Tommy groan with pity and when I turned around he was cringing without being able to tear his eyes from the sight. I smiled at him lightly as he got up and Jamie continued to be an ass.
"Jamie!" Tommy hollered. What a nice little cub scout, saving Jamie from any more embarrassment like that.
It's just a plus that he's my little cub scout.
I watched him walk away, appreciating my view as Kat turned around to look at me.
"Were you there?"
"Yes."
"For how long?"
" 'No Jamie, I will not come!' and even before that."
"You heard him say it?"
" 'No matter what you say, Kat I will always love you' I would have to say it was pretty memorable."
"Did you hear the you play Bobby, I'll play Whitney joke he made?"
"Where you were Bobby and Jamie was Whitney, yes I caught that too."
"Did you hear him singing-"
"Yes."
"What did you thi-"
"I think we need to stop talking about Jamie. And indulge in a little therapy after that Postal Servicerendition. My brain is fogging."
Kat giggled lightly as I searched for Mason, knowing he would be hurt if we didn't invite him to come along. I made that mistake once. All I'll say is that it was a violent fit of Mason-rage. And he took his hat off. I was afraid his head was going to fall off. Then I made a Herman Munster crack and he got even madder. It was not something that should ever need to be repeated.
As we made our way to Studio A, we passed Darius.
My head shot down as I stared at the floor; lately I'm afraid he'll shoot me with laser beams if I make eye contact. It's a really good thing that people are bootlegging the SNL performance like there's no tomorrow I would be Darius' subordinate, in bad bad ways.
"Hey there Big D-Whopper." Kat greeted as I kicked her shins.
Does she have a death wish? Jesus in Heaven, forgive her she knows not what she does.
"What?" He asked.
"What's up Mr. D?" Kat said as she tried to stifle a giggle. So didn't work. "I really like your head. Is it shinier?"
WHAT THE HELL?
I reached up to pinch in her the arm but with my head down I just pinched a piece of hair.
When Darius gave her a puzzle look, Kat elaborated. She rubbed a hand over her own hair, letting it hover lightly, and nodded her head encouragingly.
"Do you wax it?" She asked nicely. If I didn't understand English I would totally have thought she was saying 'yes I can tell you where the biblioteca is'.
((And I don't understand why all those foreign language tapes always try to teach people how to ask where the library is. The entire week before Sadie left for Italy all I heard was: Dove la biblioteca è? And Dove la stanza da bagno è? I knew the first two were Sadie's fruitless attempts to find out where the library or bathroom would be.
But the last one I knew was just for Tommy: Farme which simply means: Do me. But my favorite was: Portarme which transliterates to take me but not in the dirty way. In a 'Take me to get my lobotomy please' kind of way. I found out that she just told Tommy that she spoke Italian. What a whore. But a whore that I love. And apparently Kwest loves too…))
Kat smiled again and to my horror and dismay Darius smiled back, complete with the old once-over.
AH! I AM GOING TO CRAWL IN A HOLE AND DIE!
Before the flirty giggle went past her lips, I grabbed Kat and took off down the hall. "Remember that time you kissed my dad?" She looked down at her shoes as her smile vanished immediately.
"Yes." She said with shame.
"I don't want to remind you of that time you kissed my manager a few months from now." I hissed as I saw Mason and Tommy studying.
Oh, Inverted World what the hell is happening?
"Just apply Newton's Third Law."
"Of what?" Mason asked on a giggle. Oh my God tell me what I think is happening is not really happening.
"His laws of inertia. An object in motion, tends to travel in the same path in which is it pushed into motion" He started and rattled them off like no big thing. Mason stared at him, completely dumbfounded, as did Kat and I. I recovered first.
"No, come on Tom! Be stupid with me!" I will not handle being the brain-dead one of the group. I will leave this group and hang out with the potheads from school, I swear! He looked up at me shocked for a moment before breaking into a haughty grin.
"Just because I didn't finish school, doesn't mean I'm as stupid as you." He said. Asshole.
"You're a butt face. And you didn't just not finish school you didn't even finish middle school!"
What a loser, trying to play me like that. I'll show him. I don't know how, but I will. I am currently devising my plan.
I looked right past him, though it was hard because he had gotten up from his chair and he was like an inch away from me, and turned my head to Mason.
"Wanna come shopping with us?" I saw him whip his head, and look to me with dazed eyes.
Is he high?
I moved away from Tom and followed my gaze towards his previous line of vision, and I was staring right at Tommy's ass. Um hello, what is that about? I refuse to let Mason steal him away from me! Mason cleared his throat distractedly before looking at me with innocently wide eyes.
"Are you going to get lost and then go to the information desk and cry for an hour like last time?" He asked smartly.
WHAT? New York is a big city and left me.
He was like 'oh I'm gonna go look in that store, I'll be back in five' and it turned out to be like five hours and I didn't have the keys and I didn't know where the hotel was. And my phone was broken from when I had thrown my cell phone at Jamie the night before because he was making fun of Tommy and I.
I was basically stranded and not in a Blue Lagoon kind of way. More in an I'm-gonna-get-gang-banged kind of way.
So I went to the little information booth with the little old lady and I started to cry. So she made me call his name over the loud speaker because she couldn't understand what I was saying through my tears. It came out 'Basooon Box' and he is still making fun of me for it and so is everyone else.
I threw Tommy a mean look as he laughed at my idiocy, muttering 'Basooon Box' under his breath.
"Now I'm of consenting age, to be forgetting you in a cabaret." I told him.
"Whatever you say my dear, as long as you are not still under the impression that you will be deflowering the lead singer of Panic! At the Disco." He told me in a matter-of-fact tone and reminded me of my 7th grade math teacher.
"YES I AM! I played you air hockey for him! Twice!" I whined. Kat giggled from behind as I stomped my foot on the ground roughly. 'Ouch' I muttered and rub the sole of my foot through the thin shoe I was wearing.
Tommy tapped my shoulder and spun me around again.
"Should I be worried about this?"
"Yes, you should. Jude almost broke her shoulder during that second game for him." Mason put in.
"Shut up." I hissed and turned back to Tommy.
"Aren't you going to ask me?"
"Ask you what?"
"If I want to go shopping with you guys."
"Do you want to go shopping with us?" I asked, disbelieving. He gave me a hurt look that made my smirk melt.
"Well you can if you want to-" But my futile attempts at niceness were met with an indignant snort from Tommy.
"Yea right."
What a butt head!
"Well fine, but I'm not getting you anything!" I huffed and turned on my heel and marched for the door. I walked through the lobby onto to find Kwest making out with a microphone and making uncouth gestures at Wally.
"The G is silent when I sneak in your door. Makin' love to your woman on the bathroom floor. I don't play it like Shaggy; you'll know it was me. Cause the next time I see she be like 'OH KEVIN G!'"
No really what the hell is happening? Is Tom Cruise finally getting his revenge? Didn't he do enough damage to me with War of the Worlds?
"Why are you singing The Mathelete Rap? Should I be calling you Kevin G-Mean when you sneak through my door to find my sister?" I asked him seriously.
First Jason Mraz and now Mean Girls? Should I be calling someone for help?
He hung his head like he had a week ago, thoroughly ashamed. Well he should be! Wally looked from me to Kwest at least five times before inhaling resentfully. "You told me you Codename was Kevin G-Mean on the Codename: Kids Next Door website!" I so don't wanna know.
Kwest hung his head further towards the floor, shame filling the air around him. Serves him right! Deceiving my little Wally like that...
"I think Kwest was lying Wally." I said in a motherly tone. As we walked away from Kwest I grabbed the microphone from him and turned back to Wally.
"So I don't have to make up my own rap to register on Codename: Kids Next Door site?"
"No, I don't think so Wally." He just nodded his head as Kat approached us.
"Are you ready to go?"
"Yea, where's Mason?"
"Flirting with Tommy." She told me just as Mason's giggle resounded through the building. He is a man-skank.
"Tell him to get his ass out here or I will snap his DVD of High School Musical in half." I warned.
Kat giggled again before grasping my arm and looking at me seriously. Ok I am so not about to have a heart-to-heart about the possibilities of Jaterina 2 in the middle of G-Major.
"Was it really that bad?" She asked in a light whisper.
I looked down at her, was what so bad? Oh right the whole… singing and the… dancing. Yea it was.
"To stay on the Death Cab for Cutie path, it was worse than when Marissa sat in her room after Johnny died to listen to what her slutty little sister called 'Death Cab'. I died a little inside each time." Kat smiled; I knew that was what she wanted to hear.
She wanted a guy to make a fool of himself for her so that she wouldn't always be the crazy one. I think Jamie really is her guy but I am not about to get in the middle of Jastie. I will get myself injured.
Mentally, physically, emotionally… just so many levels of pain.
"Good." She said as a loud yelp resonated through the studio.
"Was that…" Kat asked with uncertainty.
"Tommy? Yea" I said worriedly as we took off for Studio A.
I hope you guys liked it, I know what I want to happen in chapter 2 all I have to do it write it lol. So leave me some love, or whatever you're feeling right now, because I'm addicted to your feedback and I must know if this lives up to Bang Theory! lol
Rachel :o)