I absolutely love you guys! I am so glad you all liked the chapter so much! I really want to thank Tommy4eva ((lol, I was sitting at my computer and I was like 'how would Tommy react'. I'm glad you liked it!))
thatgirlyoucanttrust ((Hillary's all horsey to begin with. Then she got her enormous, chopping veneers and she's sucks her cheeks in. It's like a train wreck that I can't look away from. I totally agree about Jamie, sometimes I don't even notice his forehead, but in I fought the Law I was like 'woaw!'))
LuvTommy56 ((I'm so glad you liked it!))
Judeh05 ((When I was picturing Jude and Mason rapping, I got a flash of Tim from Pure too. And then I was like 'He can never be as hot' lol.))
iamthatplace ((Oh my God, you totally just mentioned my favorite episode of House! I completely love that line he feeds to that dad! I heart Scrubs but I haven't seen it in forever. But is it weird that I think J.T. is hot? lol, I refused to see House of Wax so I'm completely relying on that fact that what you said was bad lol!))
Tanya50801 ((I'm so glad you liked it! I hope this chapter doesn't dissapoint!))
pixiestix ((Ah,I totally edited that part out and now I'm sad. I was gonna have Jude teach TOmmy to ice skate, but he was already going to know. Exterme fluff potential. Can I jus tell how much I loved your smilie face?
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AH! I love it. I don't know if the stupid thing will let me paste it correctly, but just know that I copy and pasted your ridculously awesome smilie! I'm so glad you liked it so much! I think if anything ever came out of my nose, I would cry and never want it to happen again lol))
Varely990 ((Oh how I love the Barbie story! I think if any of my friends ever did that, they wouldn't be my friend anymore lol. And your mom caught him? HAHAHA, that is too traumatizingly funny! I'm so glad you liked it!))
Alexzgirl1 ((Idid getthe line from NSTB lol! Sadie's bra is actually from France and I die a little inside everytime I see that scene! lol, I completely love SME. They are my life, and my most favorite three-some in the world. Ok that sounds weird, but it was actually completely innocent in my head lol! I'm so glad you liked it!))
smileon ((lol I saw an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen and he was like 'I am a male diva! I am a divo!' and I was like 'I love you!' lol, so I think it's sort of a real word. I'm glad you liked it!))
Duddley111 ((I'm so glad you loved it!))
You guys are the best people in the world! I hope you all like this chapter!
Chapter 2: Who's Next?
"Well where are you guys?" I heard Sadie's irritated tone from where I was sitting. Kat sighed tiredly, already having explained our shared inability to read signs.
"Gimme her." I whispered and took the phone to my ear.
"It's an outdoor ice rink with an enormous tree in the middle and human sized, operating jingle bells. It is the only outdoor skating rink that resembles the one from that scene in Elf, in all of Toronto. And do not tell me you haven't seen that movie. I know you remember when I made you watch it after I totally covered your ass with the whole Simon thing."
"Simon who?" Come on Sadie, you can't debate about smart stuff that I couldn't even blow out of my ass and then pretend not to know what the hell I'm talking about.
"Simon from the photo shoot." The other end was silent.
"SADIE!" I cried. "Just bring everyone or I'll tell mom that you were the one who cut her bangs with the Barbie scissors two years ago."
"But that was you."
"But I am not the one who insisted on crimping my hair every damn day for two years. I'll tell mom it was your sneaky way of covering up the uneven ends."
"Shut up Jude! You straightened your hair with a clothing iron once."
"Just get here, you whore." I huffed and ended the call. I looked up to see Mason staring at me with wide and shocked eyes.
Oh, yea.
He's not used to Sadie and mine's kind of sisterly love. It's quite endearing. But Kat had been seeing it since the day I wiped the dirt off her Blow-Pop on the playground in grade 3 and she came to my house afterwards. There was biting and kicking and screaming after Sadie asked Kat if her hair was a wig and made her cry.
An hour later…Kat, Mason and I circled the rink as I saw almost all of G-Major pile out of two cars. Publicity stunt anyone? This is worse than the time Nick and Jessica told everyone they were gonna have a baby. And look how they turned out. It should be a lesson to all of us. I skated to the ledge of the rink as Christmas carols blasted from the other end.
"Where's Tom?" I asked curiously. Spied sauntered up to me with a look.
"Can't go a day without him Over-rated?" He is such a butt hole.
"Just like you can't go a day without the Brad Pitt issue of Playgirl, Skid mark." I retorted without even looking at him. I felt his presence back away as I stood on the jagged toe of the skates to see farther.
"He's recording with Craig." E.J. told me but elaborated on my hurt look. I know first hand about how anal Tom Quincy is about stuff like this, but who wants to pass this up? "Darius made them stay. He's still on the war path about Portia and the kid."
She told me as her cell pounded Won't Get Fooled Again. Jaded much? No seriously, let me go through a nice list of all the Bitter G-Major Employees:
-Liam (he screams bitter. Seriously, I bet if I bit him he would taste like a coffee bean. But I would never bite him. Under any circumstance. Is it bad that even circumstance sounds dirty to me right now?)
-E.J. (Who fooled her? I'm really thinking its Tommy. They are my new mission, I'm gonna be like frickin' Al Pacino-circa The Insider all over their asses. Maybe Tommy's more than E.J.'s though.)
-Sadie (She's bitter about Tommy and I'm pretty sure she's bitter about Liam. I watched her cut him off in queue to get skates and then she made a face. But it was a bonafied Sadie face. The only thing worse than that is being pelted with doughnuts. Only Tommy and I have had to face that. At least he got the small ones, I got big and sprinkled ones all up in my face one time… no, two times.)
-Darius (It's like a fact that you have to be jaded and acidic to make it big in the mogul industry. I would gladly shoot Darius in the chest 9 times to give him a certain edge. And Tommy married his sister. But he's so protective of Portia that I really feel like re-exploring the whole Jerry Lee Lewis thing with those two.)
Who's Next?-Portia (She's gotta be jaded, she was married to Tommy. Being cynical comes with the territory of being with Tommy. That and checking for Herpes breakouts.) Just as I was about to explore the possibilities of that intern that I fell over that one time I smelt a skank. It was hitting me in the face and when I turned around a skank's ass was pretty much hitting me in the face.
"Well hello Jude." Screw her and her fake niceness. I'm so going Ashlee-Lindsay on her ass.
"Jeez, you smell like a dumpster. Did they cut off your water again? Do you need some work because I see a few potential clients around?"
I told her and accidentally pointed to a Santa ringing a bell with a little bucket for donations to a charity. Well I guess ever he needs to get laid, but that's what Mrs. Clause is for. Duh.
"I saw you on SNL, still a lonely girl with a guitar I see." Up yours Taylor.
"Eden I seriously suggest that you and your incredibly round and fat-filled ass away from me."
"Why don't you get away from me first Harrison?"
"Ok, I'll do that."
And then I murmured slut under my breath as I skated past her. She whipped around and grabbed my arm. It started to hurt so I squirmed.
"You know what," she growled and looking me square in eyes. Ok if she gets on inch closer I am so going ballistic on her ass, that is just too close for me.
"Denny died."
"Excuse me?"
"Izzie's Denny dies."
"What?" She is making that up!
"Meredith and McDreamy have sex."
"STOP!" She is ruining my life!
"Meredith has to choose between him and McVet." I was so close to slapping her face that I could smell it. Wait… ok that was weird.
"And Doc dies too."
"BITCH!" I screamed and lunged myself at her. We were caught up in a mess of blonde hair, faded jeans and eyeliner when I felt something sharp delve into my leg.
The pain seared through me like Natasha Bedingfield's gums before I let my head fall back against the ice while irony bitch-slapped me in the face with an opportune playing of Winter Wonderland. For those of you that scratch your heads, let it be known that the moments before I died, I was thinking about my crazy aforementioned Egg-Nog drinking aunt. One year, I guess after downing a lot of spiked Egg-Nog she got up on a coffee table and sang Winter Wonderland with her own set of lyrics. "Walkin' in my Winter Underpants!" She shouted drunkenly at my little cousins. Oh hell. I knew it was coming before the monstrosity reveled itself but I couldn't save anyone. Not even myself. On Underpants Aunt Mary-Ellen let her pants drop, showing everyone her winter underpants, or lack-there-of. It was a sickening sight.
Tommy Quincy paced the waiting room of Northwest Hospital after receiving a call from Sadie in the middle of his session with Craig.
He had already been pissed about not going on the mini-field trip and even more pissed that he was stuck with Craig.
"Should I break up with Manny?
I mean we have such a history and I always find myself running back to her.
But I feel something so different and liberating with Portia.
She gets me.
She lets me be me."
Tommy just wanted to vomit all over him. Or pee on his annoying backpack. Even though he wouldn't admit it, it was the same way he felt about Jude. He didn't want to have to share his feelings with some punk who needed a haircut.
His phone hummed Jude's Stupid Girl cover, alerting Tommy that Sadie was calling. He hesitated but then huffed and opened his phone.
"Hello?"
"Tommy!" He heard her cry frantically. He felt the pit of his stomach drop, fearing the worst already.
"What's the matter?"
"It's Jude!" She cried as Tommy felt his heart stop inside of him. He dropped his phone and sped off for his car with Craig behind him.
He didn't want Manning to come with him, but he proved to be helpful in communicating with the rest of the group. The two reached the hospital, greeted by E.J. who was still on the phone. She ushered them over to sit and wait for Sadie,
He felt it nearly impossible to sit still and walked the length of the marbled tiles, hearing the jingle of bells every few seconds. He jumped every time but almost left his skin as Sadie approached them after visiting a conscious Jude.
"What? Is she ok? Can I go see her?" Tommy demanded immediately. Sadie shot him a look and then focused on the whole group.
"Eden's skate went through enough skin for stitches and the blades were sketchy so she needs to come back tomorrow so they can check for infections. They already gave her as many anti-biotics as they could force into her system."
Tommy drowned her out as he saw Jude being wheeled from the patient wing, gabbing with Kat incessantly.
"They had to put her under semi-anesthesia, and it's still wearing off. There are a few side effects."
"Hey girl." Tommy said softly as he approached Jude.
"Hello to you to MISTER!" Jude shouted and gave him a friendly jab in the arm. Except it was really hard and Tommy felt himself fall backwards and falter slightly.
Jude...
"God! Have you seen the size of my fingers! They're like little midgets on my hands!" I screamed.
WOW, I can talk loud! I got out of the chair, feeling like those old ladies that use them as little cars downtown all the time. I would totally race other oldies if I were them. I heard Darius say something about catering to my needs and taking me back to the Studio since my parents aren't home.
"Liam, you are in charge while I'm in the meeting." I heard Darius say distinctly. Hmmm…
…
…
…Liam is so at my mercy.
"Is there anything I can do for you Miss Harrison?"
"Yes there is Liam… FARTWAY! You know… I would love to see you shake your Laffy Taffy." I watched Liam look at me, completely puzzled.
"I would show you Mr. Chik-O-Stik, but I'm not quite the Mrs. Bubble Gum you're looking for. Spied, Kyle, could you guys help me out here?"
Don't look at me weird!
Spied is a fabulous freak-dancer and Wally and Kyle had a contest on tour to see how many groupies they could get to strip if they sang Laffy Taffy, which called for learning the lyrics. Kyle had 12 and Wally had none. Poor Wally. The two looked at me incredulously and I just pointed to my shin.
"Darius said so." I told them with a reprimanding tone. Kyle huffed loudly as Spied stood up uncomfortably. Why do people listen to me? "Girl, shake that laffy," He mumbled almost silently.
"I don't think I can hear you! And Spied I have yet to see your ass bounce up and down. I know that Darius has a pole in his office, we could all migrate if you wanted."
"taffy. That laffy taffy. Shake that laffy taffy. That laffy taffy. Girl, shake that laffy taffy. That laffy taffy!" He started off timidly but Kyle picked up and I almost got up and Krumped.
"CANDY GIRL!" Mason shouted in time with Kyle. And that was the beginning of a beautiful duet.
What is with Mason lately?
I turned my head to Spied while Kyle and Mason continued in the background. "I'ma toss da laffy taffy. Toss it, flip it and slap it."
Spiederman looked around at the group solemnly before pumping his arms towards and away from his chest at a neck breaking rhythm, while his bounced his legs up and down against the floor.
But I would give away all the memories I have ever stored if I could always keep the mental picture of Spied's face.
It was a mix between unpleasant constipation and overly dramatized concentration. His brow was furrowed and knit like a wool sweater; his tongue was out but pressed firmly between his lips while he opened his eyes wide and then squeezed them tight at spastic intervals.
It was all quite a sight.
Portia suddenly walked by, making her presence known with her clomping stiletto's and stopped to stare at the sight. The three submissively sat down while I looked to Liam calmly.
"Would that be possible? I could give you a backbeat. Or is saltshaker more your thing. I could find someone to get you naked and soakin' wet, if you'd find it easier to shake your junk that way. And then…" I scratched my chin for emphasis before inhaling loudly.
"You may get me a brownie and another brownie and another brownie and another brownie and another brownie and another brownie and another brownie-"
"Jude," Tommy started on a laugh.
I shot him the evilest look I could muster and I think he thought that I had something…
I mean I think…
I can't think.
I can only…
I can do nothing.
I would say something about loving drugs right here, but I can't think of how to word it. WAIT! Lemme try… I love drugs. I think that gets the point across. I am so pithy.
"PITHY!" I shouted. "What?" Oh yeah, they can't hear my thoughts I shrugged it off.
"Do not, 'Jude', me! You can pull your Squinty Frown-ship…ness… on someone else! Because I want another brownie and another brownie and another brownie."
Tommy got the point that I had stopped speaking to him through my brownie tangent and I felt him sit next to me. I looked at Liam incredulously.
"Why are you not writing this down?" He stuttered pathetically. "Don't make me tell Darius." I warned while he just stood there.
"Would you like me to say it in an accent so that you can be reminded of home or should I just smack your receding hairline scared?" I asked him but didn't wait for a response.
"And I need for you to change the date of today and make it October 31st because I have always wanted to hear your Darth Vadar voice. I guess Jamie could be your Luke since you represent all that is evil and wrong with the world, while Jamie is your opposite. Although one could argue the same thing about Ash and Pikachu…"
I don't really think you could because I heard Wally stir in his seat like ants were crawling up his ass. He has quite the love of Pokemon. He says he's going to marry Misty. But I doubt it; she's such a flake.
"And then you can get me Bob Barker's phone number, because I would really like to be on that show. I really would. It's a dream of mine… you can listen to all of my dreams once you come back with those brownies, Liam."
I told him in a dismissive tone. I guess he took the hint and started to turn around to leave. Just because my tone indicated that I wished for his departure, doesn't mean I was actually finished with him.
"Get your Irish tail back here or I'll make Tommy smack it." I threatened as he stopped in his tracts and turned around with a strained grin.
"I would also like for you to learn how to smile. And you may hand me my notebook because I feel like writing a song about people who don't know how to smile. And I would also like you to wear a sign that says 'pinch my nipples if you want me to smile' and even if it hurts you have to smile. Or I'll tell Darius. You can also fly Madonna in, because I want to see what kind of felt she uses for her Kabala bracelet." I paused. Hmmm.
"Is there anything else Ms. Harrison?" He asked.
"Don't interrupt me. As long as this silly shit is coursing through me, you are my bitch. So, bitch, I would like for you to tell me that you like your nickname." I watched him sigh.
"Just for that you have to say it and then bend over."
"Why?" Jamie cut in.
"Don't make me relive the memories of when you thought a dude was a girl in study hall once and then proceeded to tell me how she/he was checking you out the whole bell. That will only lead to hurt for you and demeaning laughter for me. Now, bitch, please say it and bend over." Liam huffed so loudly he could have blown all the little piggie's houses down.
"I like my nicdhdsf". What now?
"What was that Liam? I didn't quite catch it."
"I like my nickname." He said through his teeth.
"Bend over." Tommy said next to me. Liam shot him a look.
"I will not hesitate to call Darius and tell him that you… molested me. NOW BEND OVER STEVE IRWIN!" I shouted.
I watched in sheer amusement as Liam bent over in front of me. I looked at his Armani clad ass in front of me and swung my hand back as far as I possibly could.
It was so satisfying to hear him yelp as my hand made sharp and loud contact with his rear-end.
"Now, say 'Thank you ma'am. May I have another?'" I demanded.
"NO!" Came his muffled reply. I knew he wouldn't like that.
"Say it right this minute."
"I will not do that."
"DARIUS! LIAM TOUCHED M-"
"Thank you ma'am,"
"Ma'am is listening."
"… may I… may I have another?"
"Yes you may." I replied and swung my hand more fiercely and smacked his butt as hard as I possibly could.
Liam stood up, with no dignity left and rubbing his ass, and glared at me. What? I take advantage of the things that come my way. But whatever.
"Please don't touch yourself in front of me, it's not something I want to look at. Now what else could you do for me? … I want a life size Napoleon Dynamite cutout for the studio. And every time Tommy makes me redo a good take, I want you to force him to make out with it. With visible tongue. I would be better if the cutout talks, so I expect you to be on that." I saw Liam smirk and glance at Tommy. I didn't even want to look at him right then.
Wait, normal thought flow.
I flexed my fingers in front of me.
Motor skills are back.
I think the 'silly shit' is wearing off. Oh well, who has to know?
"Could you get me a spot on Jeopardy? But I need for you to look into the whole 'getting things right' aspect of the game, or the whole 'no outside help thing' cause I would want Jamie there in my posse. You can also buy an alligator for me. But I need you to store him at your house because no one is at mine. You may also bring me a large pistol. So that I can gun Eden down. Well at least deflate her fake boobs, I think killing her would be a little drastic."
Just as I was rambling about Eden, a UPS guy came and handed Liam a box. "Just sign here." He said to Liam, who gladly took the diversion.
"LIAM!" I shouted. He looked up at me, thoroughly annoyed. "You may also break me off a piece of dat ass!"
I shouted and made the international 'TAKE IT OFF' gesture at the mailman.
…
…
I wiped the sleep out of my eyes and felt myself securely in someone's arms. I looked up and blinked at Tommy a few times.
"Who's ass?" He asked me softly with only a hint of innuendo.
"Yours." I told him groggily and woke myself up enough to press my lips against his.
okey dokey, I really hope you guys liked that chapter! So tell me, review, review, review because I'm pretty much addicted to you guys:o)