You guys literally blow me away! It's incredible that you guys like this story so much, but I'm so glad that you do because this is so fun to write for me! I have a major slash pairing. Like major. But worry not, it's temporary. Temporary Instanity if you'd like. I really have to thank you guys who read and review, this story is so alive because you of you guys! Especially
Tommy4eva ((I know exactly your pain. I just stubbed the hell out of my toe last night in the dark. It was my fault but I choose to blame the inanimate lamp. I'm so glad you love the story!))
Tayna50801 ((I think Skid Mark is the best nickname ever. I praise whoever came up with it lol. I am so glad that you like the story!))
tommys21 ((yes the characters are not all that sneaky, a thousand Super Instant Star points for you though! I would leave Liam behind everywhere and anywhere. Especially in a bear cave, but yes that accent…oh the things it does lol.))
Judeh05 ((I could definitely swing a Tim cookie instead lol. I was sitting at my computer, raking my brain for ways that Tommy can be an asshole and I came up with the you can't not pick me or whatever and I was like who would be talking about. Craig was the only logical one that she hadn't dated lol. Happy early birthday! I hurried with a post so that I wouldn't miss it! I hope you have a really really really good one, with lots of Tommy fun. Ok that was gross, so don't mind me lol.))
Alexzgirl1 ((I have some hefty plans for this boyfriend issue. I'm almost glad that I wrote it now because before I was like that was so stupid. Tommy and Jude fighting has to be my favorite, except for when they're all oh I love you and whatnot because then I just have to melt and be in love with Tommy lol. I would always forgive Tommy, he could poke my eye out with scissors and I would absolutely forgive him. Well…maybe not. I don't want you to die! I posted, I posted! Teehee, I'm so glad you like it though!))
Duddley111 ((Tommy and Jude have almost the worst tempers in life. I loved it when Jude pushed Tommy in the hot tub; it was a wonderful moment in my life lol.))
Latisha C ((I think that all thoughts that passed through the brilliant mind of Chandler Bing and came out to the world should be scribed in stone. I love him, I just might marry him. Nah…I'll just watch his new show. Or the actor's or whatever. I miss Bill Maher, he seems to have lost his appeal now that Politically Incorrect got cancelled. I too have a small compartment in my brain for pop-culture. No I lied. It's all of my brain. It's all devoted to pop-culture and VH1 all the time. Non-stop. And I vaguely remember the Would You Rather with Ray and Lilly, I miss that show. But when I think about it, I think Instant Star replaced it, so in the end I can live without my RFR. But Travis was kinda hot in a weird I'm-so-zen way. Oh, I love your reviews! Please by all means continue on down the sugar high path. I'm glad you liked the chapter!))
jackjackio ((virtual blowjob is a long standing stupidity from the guys in my grade that started a year ago. It's a sad attempt to get some action and as far as I know, it doesn't actually exist lol. I'm so glad you liked the chapter!))
romanma32 ((lol, I have reached the brink of insanity and have fallen over, its not so bad but I posted any way teehee.))
smileon ((lol, I think got that clay line from a movie or a line similar to it. I'm so glad you love it!))
lolo87 ((I don't think, actually posed with the question with real consequences, any one would really choose Danny DeVito lol. It was in somewhat defense for his height lol.))
lileigh760 ((I know! Perfect people are boring! AH snoozeville, ok I'm gonna stop acting like Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen right now. I'm so glad you like the story so much!))
But enough of my blubber, I always wonder if people actually read these ridiculous author's notes that I post everytime. It's more of my needless rambling. Oh well, on with the chapter!
Chapter 9: The Swiss Army Romance
I sat in the car fuming like an enormous rhinoceros from the zoo that are always breathing really hard. I wonder if they're ok…whatever. I'm not.
"Hey Jude."
"Fuck off."
"You've been saying that for the past hour and a half-"
"And I will continue to say it until we get back and I can get away from all of you. And since when has it taken so damn long!"
"Rush hour." Tommy said in a voice that I barely recognized.
"Did someone cut off your balls Tom?" I called without thinking. I felt the car swerve suddenly and before I could scream I saw Tommy's blazing eyes staring at me.
"What is your problem?" He growled out. It felt like the time I was eleven and I got yelled at for making Jamie eat Sadie's nail polish.
"Come on Jamie do it. Eat it."
"But it smells really bad Jude."
"Come on, do it for me." I told him batting my eyelashes and copying Sadie's hair flip. I am so evil. But I watched gleefully as he raised the small, vibrantly pink bottle to his lips with a grimace.
"Do it." I antagonized in an excited whisper. He groaned deeply before turning it upside down in his mouth.
Flash forward an hour…"Why would you do this Jude?" My mom tried to reason with me. I think she had been watching Maury and didn't want to end up like the mothers that hooked with their daughters. The chances of me having sex with Maury are higher than me hooking with my mom. And the chances of me going horizontal with an old, ugly, generally really creepy man are none. Not slim to none. I will not do it.
"He is the one who wanted to know what it tastes like!" I lied.
"But honey, it's poison."
"Mrs. Harrison-" Jamie called but he got cut off by the mounting and sputtering bile and vomit that splashed from out his mouth and all over the kitchen floor.
Why wasn't he in a bathroom? He has no sense. I'm convinced that if he were left in Sadie's room all alone there would be no way for him to make it out alive. Seriously. Spied on the other hand…Anthony Michael Hall would be jealous of his bra stealing skill.
"Jude, honey, call Poison Control Center. I think we some help." My mom called from the kitchen where she was simultaneously trying to mop up the vomit and comfort a hysterically, cookie-tossing Jamie. Except I don't think he was tossing cookies more like 'Passion Fruit Punch Pink'.
"I was just wondering if there was a specific reason that you sounded like a soprano from the Vienna Boy's Choir." I said simply and pointed to the road and the growing volume of the blaring horns.
"I think you should go, Tom-Tom." I told him almost meanly. I really wasn't mad at him. I was pissed in general. Who does something like that?
"Jude. When we get back you are going into Studio C, all by yourself and if you do not write something worth-while I'll ban you from the studio again." Darius threatened.
Whatever, he just doesn't want to hear me bitch anymore. He turned around and looked at me seriously, as if expecting an answer. "I don't see the use in answering you, why don't you just lock me in there. But maybe this time you could force Hillary Duff in there too. Or the entire cast of That's So Raven if you really wanna make me scream." I bit out before turning back to the window.
"Hey Jude,"
"Fuck off."
I watched Tommy look back at me for a moment before swerving back into the lane and joining the flow of traffic again.
"Hey Kwest." Came a loud whisper.
Whatever, screw this. Tommy pulled off at an exit and had Darius switch places with Kwest, the two friends sitting in the front and inevitably gossiping like hens.
I hate them.
I would lean over and say something mean but I think it would just come out offensively obscene, and since I am maturing, I'll hold my tongue.
I won't actually hold my tongue, even though I used to when I was little and then when I wanted to say something I would try to talk while my fingers were still plastered against my tongue. Tommy suddenly leaned over and whispered something to Kwest, not even trying to hide the disdain in his face. I bet he's talking about Liam. But when I heard Kwest's Annie-Camden inspired gasp, I kinda had an inkling that it wasn't Liam. Unless Tommy finally confessed to their love affair, but he's too much of a coward and too attached to his heterosexuality to be a man.
Whatever.
But I was suddenly privy to a sight that Freud would have killed for, as human instinct kicked in and Kwest beckoned Wally to lean in with a crooked finger, obviously relaying the newest gossip. They are such girls; I think I will encourage them to grow a pair.
"Can't you guys go to a store where they sell hum-"
They weren't listening. Spied's enormously incredulous gasp filled the car. He mouth stretched wider than Liam's does on the weekend while his eyes engulfed his face like Little Red Riding Hood. God, he should be a cartoon or something.
No, actually, he's reminding me of that midget who was in love with Sabrina and his name was like Roland or something and he always called Harvey Farm Boy and so I would call Kyle Milk Fed Farm Boy because I'm funny like that. Except he used to get really mad when I would say that and it drove him to his first tattoo of a bull ring. I guess rebelling against the milk that comes from cows and his milk-fed-farm-boy-ness.
Again, I would have said something but he immediately leaned over to Wally and Kyle, thus further spreading the gossip. Jeez, Tommy knows exactly who to tell. Or maybe who not to tell, I don't know how he would see this.
I watched the infinite game of telephone that I was apparently not included in. So I sat, my back facing the window, and my scowl on display for everyone to see. I frowned more deeply each time someone looked at me with a gasp.
Wally
Kyle
Portia
Craig
Jamie
Pasty merely spat on her shoes when Jamie leaned over, not really caring so Jamie turned to his left
E.J.
Darius let out a small chuckle
Shay
It all ended as Shay leaned over to Sadie, passing along the secret.
I am about to cut someone up.
And I hate to say this but Liam is my favorite person in this car right now. Well actually not, he didn't gasp over look over at me, but I swear to God, I heard him mutter slut under his breath. Like he can even talk, even Hugh Hefner wonders how his penis possibly stays on from day to day. Liam and his nastiness aren't even a blip on my radar anymore. He can go sexy time himself.
My thoughts of Liam were cut sadly cut short when Sadie let out a shrill cry and gripped my arm like a ninja.
"Sadie let go with your death gr-"
"YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND?"
Someone is going to die.
"You told?" I screamed at his incredulously and snaked my hands around the driver's headrest and wrapped my hands firmly around his throat. Yes, ladies and gentleman, I am going to kill Thomas Quincy. And I think his epitaph should read 'Couldn't keep his mouth shut. A lesson for all those who cross Jude Harrison.' And I am not even kidding right now.
"Like it's The Swiss Army Romance."
"I am going to pretend that you did not just reference Dashboard Confessional, because if I recall correctly you told me and my 'confessions on a dashboard' to go to hell. And Madonna's album is called Confessions on a Dance Floor you son of a bitch!" I screamed with escalating volume, still trying to pry every breath from his lungs.
"Jude, let go of me."
"NO!"
"Jude let go of him!"
"NO!"
"Miss, could you please remove your hands from the driver's neck?"
What the fuck was that?
Why is the car stopped?
Why is there a mountee looking at me?
Why is everyone looking at me?
Why didn't I notice all of this? I looked down to my lap, shamefully, and slithered my hands back to my sides. I felt like it was third grade, the first time I ever had a crush on Spiederman so I would color on Jamie's glasses with permanent marker and tell him to punch walls because he would look cool and consequently got in trouble all the time, all over again.
I pressed my head to the glass to look at the officer, gauging if Sadie could seduce him out of a ticket or not, and I was suddenly smacked in the face with Tony Danza's twin.
Not the freaky Tony Danza with his own show and skates around Manhattan on roller blades and falls on his ass, the Who's The Boss Tony Danza. The Tony with some shreds of dignity and would never do a rap/tap dance all about the wonders of Italy and the Italian people. Did he do that at the Grammy's or was it at the Tony's? The coincidence would just annihilate my ass if it had been the Tony's.
Didn't Hugh Jackman receive a Tony? I don't really care about any Hugh Jackman except for the one in X-Men and Kate and Leopold. I would marry that man, really. Well not really, he's like fifty or whatever. But I would at least consider marrying him.
Where was I going with this? …
"Sorry officer." I mumbled to myself and tried to dip my shamed gaze ever lower.
"Sir, were you aware that you…" I tuned all of it out and stared blankly at the back of Tommy's head while he nodded and buttered up the officer. I think he offered Sadie to take her top off, but maybe that was my imagination.
Half an hour later…"Do you love him?"
"Leave me alone Sadie." I warned, but she didn't listen. I would be shocked…but I'm not. It's Sadie, 'nuff said. And yes, I did just say 'nuff because that is the kind of duress I am under right now.
Do I love my imaginary boyfriend?
Do I see our imaginary relationship going anywhere?
Is my imaginary boyfrined a good kisser?
Does my imaginary boyfriend have a brother?
Well she didn't include imaginary because she doesn't know that he's not real. Only I know that.
All questions I had to answer while everyone in the entire damn car was perking their ears and especially Tommy, who I could see boring his eyes into me from the rear-view mirror.
"Do you love him?" She persisted.
I felt Tommy push himself farther into his seat and crushing my knees.
"Leave it Sadie." I growled again.
"Do. You. Love. Him?"
She asked again, Tommy clearing his throat and shifting in his seat audibly. God, does he have to pee or something?
"Stop. Talking. To. Me."
"Do you love him?" Spied screamed at me from across the car.
"YES!" I cried, silencing them.
Kwest gasped and hit Tommy in the arm, who in turn looked back at him throwing daggers.
Daggers that were on frickin' fire.
Daggers that would make that guy from Hell's Kitchen piss his pants.
Tommy merely grunted in response as the car lurched from under us while even the speedometer was like 'Dude, slow the hell down'. It was deathly silent.
Seriously, someone could die peacefully in the silence that rested over the car.
Well not peacefully, since the tension was so damn palpable I thought I was going to have to jump out the car. Tommy continued to cut people off in other lanes, left and right; the only solace in the silence was their deafeningly blaring horns.
"How much do you love him?" Tommy croaked on a giant heave. I merely looked out the window, refusing to look at anyone, refusing to speak to anyone.
What the hell have I gotten myself into?
Back at the studio…"I don't think it's anyone but the driver's fault!" Portia Mills screamed in the middle of the parking lot, swinging her last season Birkin bag in Tommy Quincy's face.
"She was chocking me!" He protested loudly, still fuming over Jude's pronouncement, but not letting on.
"Do you think you can call yourself Tom yet?" At his puzzled look, she elaborated not taking notice to surrounding company. "Yea whatever, I know you're trying to feel younger so that you aren't constantly reminded that you're pushing 25 and in love with a frickin' 17 year old, but there are other ways! I suggest Rogain!"
"I am not balding Portia." He growled at her, but patted a concerned hand over the top of his hair self-consciously. "Whatever you have to tell yourself before you fall asleep at night and dream about Jude." She countered meanly as Spied held the door for her. She mumbled a small thanks to him before pushing her way past and waiting with a tapping foot for Tommy to come through the doors too.
"Need a cane grandpa?" She called out tauntingly, growing more agitated.
"Shut up Portia." He snarled before stomping past her. He didn't need her breathing down his neck about getting a ticket when every thing else in his head was jumbled beyond belief.
"You are… infuriating!"
"Spell infuriating!" He spat back before slamming the door to his office.
They weren't even together and Jude still had walking around as confused as Jamie was a year ago. After a moment of thought, Tommy realized that Jamie probably was still as confused as he had been but he hid the Trekie inside. He flung himself in the plush chair that sat behind his desk, letting the wheels roll back violently before pushing his palms to the desk and pulling himself forward again. With his head in his hands like a wounded puppy, he tried to organize his cluttering thoughts.
They all had a single, common denominator: Jude. And no matter what he did, where he went, who he was with it was always Jude. He asked himself endless questions, never knowing the answers and frustrating himself further.
Who was she with?
What was she thinking?
Who was her inspiration?
Who she was laughing with?
What was she smiling at?
Did she regret being with him?
Did she really want to end things?
Was she really already over him, when he couldn't seem to even get past her?
Another viciously unanswered question added itself to his list, repeating and pounding in his thoughts until Tommy thought he was going to vomit: Who was her boyfriend?
I feel dirty.
This is so bad.
This is a last resort.
What was that stupid-ass saying…Desperate measures call for desperate times or something stupid like that.
Whatever.
I lurked through the studios, everyone avoiding me, as I found my prey grill his grill with a toothpick. Ew. Pssst, I hissed out, trying to draw only his attention. There was barely ever a moment that I could find him alone, without the damn possy or his homies or whatever the hell they are, and I was taking full advantage of it. He looked up at me, his bottom lip jutting out like it always had as he smiled nicely.
"Hey." He greeted and moved his feet for me to join him. I perched myself on the couch, wringing my hands nervously feeling the sweat slick off of them and on to fabric of the couch. I didn't know why I was nervous.
"Do you think you could…do me a favor?" I started, finally looking up at him too see him nodding. God, he is so stupid. "It sounds crazy," I continued and smacked a palm to my forehead lightly before going on "but you could…um, pretend to be my uh, boyfriend?" I asked, finishing in a whisper.
"Your what?" He asked, his voice trailing up into a falsetto.
"My, uh, boyfriend." I clarified. I looked up at him, ready to get on my knees and beg. Strictly begging.
"Would this have something to do with Tommy?" He asked on a laugh.
"Maybe." I said, trying to run around the subject. "Yes." I confessed as thundering footsteps rang through the building.
I looked up to see an angry form approaching us.
"Oh shit." I muttered and before I knew what I was doing I had grabbed him and pressed my lips to his mouth, crushing my teeth painfully against my gums.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
Ew.
This is not happening.
This is not T-Bone.
This is Tommy.
OH MY GOD THIS IS NOT T-BONE!
I AM NOT KISSING T-BONE!
THIS IS JAMES FRANCO!
THIS IS NOT T-BONE!
Just as I felt like I was going to spew all over myself I felt him being yanked away from me forcefully as Tommy's red and angry face came into focus. Shit is hitting the fan. It is so hitting the fan.
"Him? T-Bone? T-Bone is your secret boyfriend?" He asked with a sneer full of disdain that Sadie couldn't even muster. I was horrified myself.
The man is stupider than a large bag of bricks. And he's slobbery. He reminds me of a dog. But he was my last resort. Great Escape anyone?
"He…gets me." I sputtered lamely but projecting out my chin boastfully all the same.
"T-BONE?" He demanded again, but didn't wait for an answer as he pounded his fist into the bulky man's face. Fuck, what did I do?
"TOMMY!" I shrieked. This needs to stop. T-Bone could eat Tommy.
This is so bad and so my fault.