Disclaimer: They aren't mine, even if they are just that awesome.
"Yo, Liv!" Elliot shouted across the road. "What are you doing?"
Olivia's head snapped up. "Hey, Elliot!" she yelled back. "Where did you come from? Hang on, I'll come over there!"
She took off through traffic, her combat boots clunking. Reaching him, she pushed her crewcut hair across her forehead.
"A couple of us were headed over to Meloni's to drink beer, act like assholes, and show off our muscles, and hence our masculinity," Elliot said. "I figured you would like to join in, being one of the guys."
"Course I would," Olivia responded, tugging her leather jacket over her shoulders. "Let's go."
"Excuse me."
"Who the hell are you?" Olivia asked. The woman looked startingly like the female detective, except, well, she looked like a girl. Her long hair was highlighted and perfect, and her skin had a radiant tanned glow. She wore a stunning purple dress and stiletto heels.
"I'm Mariska. What are you doing to me?" the woman asked.
"I don't even know you!" Olivia said. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have some beer to drink."
Meloni's Bar
Ten Minutes Later
doink doink
"What is that weird sound?" Mariska asked. She'd followed Elliot and Olivia to the bar.
"It's the ching ching." Elliot informed her. "It follows us everywhere we go."
"Something to do with some Dick Wolf man..." Olivia said.
"Wait...play it again!" Mariska laughed.
"We can't until we reach a new location. God." Olivia huffed.
The ill-matched group walked over to the bar.
"I'll have a beer," Elliot said, unconsciously flexing one of his biceps, then getting distracted by it and staring in awe.
"One for me too," Olivia requested. She sat, looking completely comfortable in her black leather pants.
"Can I get a martini, dry, two olives?" the strange Mariska asked. She tucked her flowing dress in behind her as she sat, crossing her legs femininely.
"Hey guys!" Casey said, walking in, wearing a green skirt and purple blazer. "...Who are you?"
"I'm Mariska, pleased to make your acquaintance." She stood, and shook Casey's hand.
"I'll have a glass of wine," the redhead announced.
"Make it two," a woman announced, joining the group.
"Alex?" Olivia gasped, choking on her beer. "But--but--"
"We thought you were dead!" Elliot said, now on his eighth beer.
"So did I," Alex said. "Then I realized I was in Witness Protection. And now I'm magically back, and Bureau Chief for NBC's new drama Conviction, Friday nights at 10PM."
"HEY! Get back here!" What looked like Alex's twin sprinted into the bar. "Alex, you know you aren't supposed to do crossovers without permission!"
"Elliot! Stop being macho for a minute! You need to have feelings, damn it! You've just lost your wife!" Detective Unstabler yelled.
"Never!" Stabler vowed. "I have to keep the world safe for my kids!" He started beating up Unstabler, who promptly began crying.
Their fight was interrupted by Fin dragging Munch into the bar.
"CONSPIRACY!" Munch yelled. "NO! BARS ARE CONSPIRACIES!"
"CALM DOWN, DAMN IT!" Fin struggled to keep a grip on the writhing man. "Don't make me hit you over the head with the do-rag I wore for the first three episodes I was in!"
"You're a riot, Munch," Richard Belzer added, following them in with Captain Cragen. "Though not anywhere near as funny as me. I'm a comedian, you know."
"I used to watch you in college!" Cragen said, shocked, as he grabbed a doughnut.
"Fin, what the hell's wrong with you? I'm a cop killer!" Ice-T joined the group, followed by Monique Jeffries.
"But Emily..." Alex was pleading, off to the side. "I don't want to go back to Wisconsin! It's just...cheese...and...cows!"
"Can we all just take a moment to analyze our feelings towards each other?" Dr. Huang said from a barstool in the corner.
"I'm sorry, you seem to have misspelled your last name," B.D. Wong added, from the next seat. "It's with the letter "w". Wong."
"Who are you?" Rebecca Hendricks said to Huang, entering. "I'm Unstabler's shrink!"
"You son of a bitch!" Monique yelled off to one side, launching herself at Fin. "You took my job! I only slept with three...I mean ONE suspect! What's wrong with you?"
"What the hell is going on here?" Cragen yelled.
"No idea." Casey Novak sat down at the bar, wearing a softball uniform and suddenly blonde.
"Excuse me?" Casey said to Casey. "What do you think you've done with me?"
"No, no, no, you don't get it," Casey responded. "You only lasted about one season. I am the newer season six model. I can play sports, be blonde, and I'm not such a bitch like you were. I now have empathy and compassion!"
"See, Olivia?" Mariska added. "You are the season three Olivia. You're masculine and you need longer hair!"
"But I like the season one Olivia better!" Cassidy whined, sticking his head up from under the bar. He was topless. "She was more fun in bed!"
"You really think so?" season one Olivia asked from under the bar, and also under Cassidy. She was topless, too. "Well in that case..." She continued kissing him, pulling him back out of sight.
"PEOPLE!" Cragen bellowed. "Can we all just line up by character for a minute and try to sort this out?"
The odd assortment of people fell into groups-Olivia and Mariska, Stabler and Unstabler, Munch and Belzer, Fin, Monique, and Ice-T, Alex and Emily, Casey and Casey, Huang, Wong, and Hendricks, and Cassidy and Olivia. Cragen stood in front of them.
"Now, I think I've got this under control," he said. "Season three Olivia and Mariska, front and center. Next, Stabler and Unstabler, then Casey and Casey."
When the six people stood in front of him, he solemnly held out a doughnut. "By the power of all that is fabulous, I combine these groups into three people! Season seven Olivia, come forth!" And season three Olivia and Mariska were suddenly combined into one kick-ass detective, feminine, but still one of the guys.
"Season seven Elliot, come forth!" Stabler and Unstabler were now the same person, capable of crying and keeping the streets safe.
"Season seven Casey, come forth!" Finally, the two Caseys became a new ADA, who had great fashion sense and could relate to victims, but still was no angel in the courtroom.
"What do the rest of us do, Cap?" Fin asked.
"Well," Cragen said, "First of all, season one Olivia and Cassidy, you guys need to leave, you aren't on the show anymore. You too, Jeffries."
The season one detectives disappeared. Olivia and Cassidy, involved in a passionate kiss, moved on to Olivia's season three apartment, now vacant, while Jeffries had already found a nice suspect to leave with.
"And sorry, but Richard, Ice-T, B.D. Wong, you're not even supposed to exist to us. You'll have to go too."
"Damn cops," Ice-T muttered.
"It ain't the 90s anymore, Ice!" Fin yelled after him. "Show a little compassion!"
"Emily," Cragen said. "You don't belong here. Alex is out of Witness Protection. You need to go back to Wisconsin."
"Fine." Emily said. "I have a claims adjuster there who thinks I'm from Tulsa! So ha!" She spun on her heel and walked out the door.
"That takes care of her." Cragen sighed. "Alex, I'm afraid you're going to have to leave too."
"What?" Alex asked. "But...I work with you guys!"
"Not anymore," Olivia said. "Now you're with Conviction, remember?"
"Oh yeah..." Alex said, leaving. "But what if they cancel it?"
"Then you'll disappear into acting oblivion until someone hires you again," Cragen said.
"Now Rebecca, see, I'm Stabler's shrink," Huang began. "So you probably won't be around for the rest of the season."
"You're right," Hendricks told him. "Goodbye, everyone."
"All right, that looks like everything's back to normal," Cragen said. "I guess the rest of us can go back to work now."
"...What just happened?" Elliot asked Olivia.
"No idea, El. No damned idea."