Ok………..this is LD66.
Audience: WTF?
LD66: LIL DEVIL 66, YOU IDIOTS!
Audience: OOOOOOOOOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………..
LD66: That's right, baby!
Audience: Are you the opening act for UF?
LD66:…………no?
Audience: leaves We'll be back for UF……….
LD66: Wait! Come back! cries TT.TT
WARNING! IF YOU HAVE NOT READ THE BEGINNING, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY BEING STUPID! THIS IS THE WORK OF LD66! QUICKLY PRESS THE 'BACK' BUTTON AND COME BACK IN ROUGHLY THREE DAYS, UF SHOULD HAVE POSTED THE NEXT CHAPPIE BY THEN. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!
WARNING NUMERO DOS: EXTREME OOC. IF YOU DON'T SWING THAT WAY…READ ON ANYWAY.
DISCLAIMER:
Police: bursts into the room Put your hands up! You have been charged with illegal copyright charges.
LD66: points to UF It was all her!
UF: No! It was all her idea!
LD66: No….look! She has red paint all over her hands!
UF: LD66?
LD66: Yes?
UF: Caught red-handed is only a figure of speech.
LD66: I knew that…ehehehe….?
Police: sweat drops Have you noticed how the criminals are getting stupider and stupider?
IMPORTANT STUFF: You'll see a lot of familiar stuff, so don't sue us. Read our disclaimer, we're already in trouble with the police.
RECAP: There is no recap! Press the button back to Chapter One and scroll down. There's your recap!
ACTUAL STORY BEGINS HERE
"Wait! So all this time…it's been you?" asked Kyo angrily.
Oh baby, baby
How was I supposed to know
That something wasn't right here
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
"Yes! It was me!" cackled Akito.
"But Yuki! I thought you loved me?" cried Kyo.
"I love Honda-san!"
"Tohru…do you love Yuki?"
"I…I don't know." Stammered Tohru.
"Well, if Yuki loves you….then I do too."
"You can't love that selfish bitch! You all have to love ME!" he growled angrily.
Oh baby, baby
I shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight, yeah
Show me how want it to be
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
Kyo went up to Akito and slapped him. ("Yeah! You show him Kyo-kun!")
Akito had tears in his eyes, "What did you do that for?"
"The song required it."
Oh baby, baby
The reason I breathe is you
Boy you got me blinded
Oh pretty baby
There's nothing that I wouldn't do
It's not the way I planned it
Show me how you want it to be
Tell me baby 'cause I need to know now, oh because
"I can't live without you, Kyo-kun! Please! Come back to me!" begged Akito.
"Well, that's too bad. I love...Tohru." Kyo blushed and glanced at Tohru to find her blushing too.
"If you don't love me...who will?"
My loneliness is killing me (Oh! Pick me, Akito-sama! Gure-san and I will love you forever!)
I must confess I still believe (Yeah, we will!)
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
Kyo slapped Akito again.
"Stop...doing...THAT!" Akito growled, holding his swelling cheek.
"I can't...it's like an impulse...I have to do what Britney Spears tells me to do!"
"Then hit her, not me!"
"She's in America! You're the only one who looks like her...without plastic surgery...but it'll do!"
Oh baby, baby how was I supposed to know
Oh pretty baby, I shouldn't have let you go
I must confess, that my loneliness is killing me now
Don't you know I still believe
Akito's eyes went as big as saucers. "No, you idiots! Don't sing the part! DON'T SING THE PART!"
That you will be here ("But, we have too! Our faithful singers want to hear our beautiful voices!"
And give me a sign
Hit me baby one more time
But before Kyo could slap Akito, Akito ran as fast as he could in the opposite direction. (Which wasn't really fast...)
"How long do you think Akito-sama will last?" asked Tohru.
"I'll give him..." Yuki stroked his chin...in a very non-perverted Shigure manner, "30 seconds."
"One minute."
"You're on."
My loneliness is killing me
I must confess I still believe
When I'm not with you I lose my mind
Give me a sign...
Hit me baby one more time
/30 seconds later/
Akito came running back, with Kyo on his heels. After 30 seconds of running around in circles, Kyo had finally slapped him...twice.
"One minute! I win!" Tohru cheered. She put out her right hand. Yuki sighed before taking out a ten and placing it in her eager hand.
/30 more seconds later./
"Akito-sama! You're awake!"
"What do you want? Don't you have enough? You've taken all of them from me! But you'll pay! You'll regret ever crossing the Akito Harumo Satoshi Yukuro Miasho Idotashi Tatoshi Yumiro Wamashi Zabushi Daisuke Hamasuiichi…" And…everyone fell asleep for about ten minutes until he was finished… "Amashito Sohma!" He looked around to find everyone sleeping. "WAKE UP, YOU IDIOTS!"
Everyone woke up with a start.
"Wah?" murmured Tohru.
"What did you want to ask me, you bitch?"
"Um…I don't remember…" Tohru blushed at her stupidity.
"Well, you were about to ask me, now what was it?"
"Um…oh yeah…where did you get that mask?" Yuki and Kyo nodded in agreement.
"It's obviously from China! Can't you even read?" He pointed at the mask's forehead to find the words 'MADE IN CHINA' in big, bold letters.
"I don't know what disturbs me more…" Hatori started, "the fact that we actually missed that, or the fact that they actually make and sell these things in China."
"HATORI-SAN!" screamed Tohru as she latched herself onto Hatori's waist. "How did you get here? Weren't you in the speaker room with Shigure-san and Ayame-san?"
"Tohru, you naïve little girl, Hatori-san was obviously abducted by the loch monsters of an unknown island called Ireland and given super special medical powers of transportation to rush to the scene of injury!" replied Akito. Tohru was taking all of this in, while everyone else stared at Akito in a WTF/ poor-fucking-brainless-fool/ why-is-he-the-leader-of-our-zodiac-group fashion.
"Oh!" Tohru put on her serious thinking face. That was totally logical! Why didn't she think that? Tohru started to blubber and cry.
"What's wrong, Honda-san?" Yuki quickly rushed to Tohru, but was stopped by Hatori.
"Tohru, what's wrong?"
"Why couldn't I think about that? It's the only possible solution! I mean, it's not like he actually took the stairs or something!" At her reply, everyone all fell…anime style...well, except for Akito…he was just…smirking evilly.
"It's okay, I have the boo-boo-aids to help you feel better."
"What the hell are boo-boo-aids?" asked Kyo.
Hatori sighed and held up a shiny, neon green box. It had a piece of paper reading, "Boo-Boo-Aid" taped on top of a Viagra box. It shined with the holy powers of medical-ness. Innocent bystanders gawked at its greatness before bowing down and chanted incoherent words. The chanting was so…unified and…brainless that it pummeled the scene from The Mummy, where the people say, "Imotep…Imotep…"
The new Boo-Boo-Aids from Hatori's Cabinet can be found in aisle four with the alarm clocks.
"Hatori, you do realize that those have already been invented as the 'Owie-Aid'?" asked Akito.
"Damn! You tell one guy at the lingerie store and-" Hatori mumbled, but he carefully pulled out two 'Boo-Boo-Aids' and put them in an 'X' fashion on her forehead.
"Hatori?"
"Yes, Yuki?"
"What are you doing with a Viagra box?"
"It's not mine, if that's what you're implying. It's Akito's."
"Hatori!" cried Akito indignantly, "You promised you'd never tell anyone! How could you?" And with that, Akito ran off to the bathroom. (Women's, if you must know. Poor gender-confused Akito.)
Everyone was sort of standing there, when Tohru popped the question.
"Sohma-kun?"
"Yes, Honda-san?"
"What is Vi-ah-gra?"
"Um…" Yuki shuffled uncomfortably. He could hear Kyo sniggering in the back. "I don't know either. Why don't you ask Kyo?" Yuki smirked.
"Hey! Don't pull me into this!" Kyo saw Tohru's pleading eyes. Kyo sighed, "It's a type of medication. And Hatori's a doctor. Why don't ya ask him?" Kyo pointed at the dazed doctor.
"Hatori-san?"
"Yes?"
"What is Vi-ah-gra?"
"Um..." Hatori started…normally he would have told her a really detailed explanation, but seeing as she was seventeen and still naïve, he decided to tell her in a more…undetailed way, "well, it's stuff that old men use to have a baby."
"Oh…so it's like…Jesus in pill-form!"
"Eh?"
"You know, Mom told me that in order to have a baby, you have to ask Jesus, and he'll give you the baby."
"Um…sure, let's go with that."
Suddenly, Ritsu showed up. Only…….he wasn't dressed like a woman. He was dressed as……Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean! And behind him were a crew….of pirates!
"It says here that X marks the spot." Ritsu claimed.
"X marks the spot, eh?" The pirate with no hair asked. His beady eyes scanned the area before zeroing on Tohru. But mainly her forehead, where there was a giant, green boo-boo-aid in an X fashion.
"I found the treasure boys! And what a treasure she is! Looks like we won't need our shovels, eh Captain?"
"It says the treasure is gold, gold, and more gold……"
"Hmm….maybe the gold is inside the girl."
Suddenly, the speaker started to talk. "Tools for dissecting 17-year-old, AB+ blood type, 119 lb, 5 ft. 6in. girls are located in aisle 20. Thank you."
"Shigure….that fucking idiot!" exclaimed Kyo.
"Honda-san?" asked Yuki as he nudged her.
"Yes, Sohma-kun?"
"Run." And with that Kyo and Yuki grabbed one hand and ran towards aisle one, while the pirates ran towards aisle 20.
Kyo, Yuki, and Tohru hid behind the bakery.
"Hey! This area is for employees only!" When the three didn't listen, the man with the fancy, white hat threw down his towel and exclaimed, "Hey! Did ya hear me? This area is-" But his answer was cut short when Kyo and Yuki effectively knocked him out for a good hour or so.
Tohru poked her little head out.
"There she is!" called the pirates.
"Meep!" she cried before ducking back into the safety of the glass.
"Come out, puppet! We know you're here."
Instead of Tohru, Yuki and Kyo came out. They were dangerously armed with rubber spatulas and wire whisks. (They couldn't find the knife drawer.)
"Ah! A duel for the girl, eh?" asked Ritsu, "All right. Whoever wins the duel, gets the girl."
"Ritsu-chan? What happened to you?" cried Tohru. "Where's the shy, kind Ritsu that I know?"
"He's gone! And the name's Captain Jack Sparrow now! Men, ATTACK!" And so, it all came down to this.
Yuki and Kyo fought bravely with their spatulas and whisks. But it was an ill attempt, after all, the pirates were armed with sharp swords. Within minutes, Yuki and Kyo were down. Each with a few cuts on their cheeks, arms, and legs. They were both knocked unconscious.
DING!
Intermission
I am the narrator. And because these foolish mortals (Kyo: Hey! You're a mortal too!) have bended to my will, I have decided to give them a 10 minute break.
Yuki and Kyo both arose from their spots. Tohru looked shocked.
"Tohru, are you coming? We only have 10 minutes to drink some coffee!" yelled Kyo, beckoning her to follow them to the coffee shop. Tohru soon got over her shock and followed them to get some caffeine. The pirates came too. They were all civil and stuck out their pinkies when drinking.
DING!
Come on people! Intermission is over! Get back in your places!
Yuki and Kyo threw away their coffee and went back to their places on the ground. The pirates thanked the waitress before getting back into their evil positions. Tohru went back behind the glass.
And…ACTION!
Tohru had tears in her eyes.
"Please, Rit- I mean, Captain Jack Sparrow…don't do this.
"And why should we do that?"
"I…I can make you all something to eat!"
At this, the pirates froze. Something to eat, eh?
"All right, puppet. But only because you have a pretty face! If you make us a dessert that we all love, we won't rip you apart."
"Yay! I have the perfect dessert in mind! How about, 'the Cheating Man's Dessert'?"
"Is it for dishonest Poker players?"
"I think so?"
"Then sure! We're all dishonest Poker players, ain't we crew?"
"Ay!" cried the mob.
Yuki and Kyo sweat dropped. Are they naïve, or are we perverted?
"Come on Sohma-kun and Kyo-kun! We have to look for semen!" Before any of them could protest, she had grabbed their hands and dragged them along to aisle six.
Tohru looked around before she squealed with triumph.
"Look! I found it! Semen in a can!" She held up the can for them to see. Yuki and Kyo choked.
"They actually sell this stuff in cans?" yelled Kyo. He grabbed the can from Tohru's hand to inspect it.
"Seamen. Stuff of the sea made from mermen." He read.Kyo and Yuki fell at the same time. They went to huddle in a corner.
"We are perverted! Such impure thoughts! We're morphing into Shigure clones! So wrong!" cried Yuki.
"Well, can you blame us? It is, after all, called 'semen'. It could've been the other stuff."
"What other stuff?" asked Tohru, who 'magically' appeared right next to Kyo.
"Ack! Tohru!" yelled Kyo in surprise.
Tohru, thinking it was game, yelled too. "YES?"
"I'm right here! Why are you yelling?" Kyo cried as he covered his ears.
"I'm sorry! But what is the other stuff?"
Kyo blushed… "Um…don't you have food to make?"
"Oh no!" Tohru was mortified. She quickly grabbed the can from Kyo and ran back to the bakery.
---------------meep----------------------
"Hello! This is Shigure and Ayame's time to shine! We will advertise balls. I'm Shigure and I've got balls!"
"I have balls too! I've got color changing ones! It's a red-ish, pink-ish color and when you squeeze it too tightly…it turns a blue-ish purple!"
"Ayame! We don't want to know about those balls! Just the ones we're selling!"
"But we are selling them! I just brought a couple to sell!"
"Oh…okay!"
"I also have hairy balls! They've got nice fuzzy hair on them, and when you rub them the right way…why start to vibrate!"
"Well, that's all we have time for now! Check out our ball-stand in aisle seven!"
------------------------meep--------------------
Yuki and Kyo looked at each other. That was so wrong.
By the time Yuki and Kyo came back, Tohru was covered with flour, eggs, sugar, 'seamen', and a lot of other stuff. The dessert was already in the oven.
In precisely 12 minutes and 34 seconds, the timer went off.
"Yay! It's ready!" Tohru cheered as she opened the oven and took out the desserts. They were in the shape of really cute skulls, ships, and doubloons.
She passed them out to the eager pirates.
"Well? What do you think?"
"It's……good! You pass. Now, you don't have to die." Cheered Ritsu. Suddenly, he choked. His hand rose to his chest and clutched it. Tohru was immediately by his side.
"Are you okay? What is wrong?" she cried. (Yuki and Kyo just watched…not really interested.)
Suddenly he jumped up screaming, "I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, I'M SSOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYY!" Tohru clamped her ears shut.
"Ritsu-chan? Is that you?"
"Tohru-chan? W-where am I?"
-----another annoucement------------
Hello, this is Shigure speaking. Ayame and I have decided to role play!
"Ayame! Look! Your weenus is dry! Let me get the lotion from aisle 12 to rub it for you!"
"Why, thank you, Shigure! It's friends like you who keep my weenus from flaking!"
"No problem, Ayame! And to all of our faithful listeners out there, don't let your weenus become dried out like Ayame's! Look at our selection of lotions in aisle 12!"
----------end annoucement---------
"Shigure-san bought this grocery store!" explained Tohru.
"Oh no! I forgot to congratulate him! I'M SO SORRY! I must go now to congratulate him!" He looked nervously at his outfit. "Tohru-chan?"
"Yes, Ritsu-chan?"
"May I ask you a favor?"
"Of course!"
"Will you trade outfits with me?"
Tohru looked confused, "Why?"
"I don't feel comfortable wearing pants!" whined Ritsu.
"Okay…but I'd like it back, Uo-chan bought it for me for my birthday!"
"Thank you so much, Tohru-chan!"
"Come on, let's go to the Ladies bathroom to change."
"Okay!"
As Tohru and Ritsu entered the bathroom, they heard a wailing through the stalls.
"Um...are you okay in there?" asked Tohru nervously. She was rewarded with a sentence of incoherent words, a wail, and a cry.
"Why don't you open the door and you can talk about it?" Tohru waited for a few moments before the door finally opened, showing a broken Akito.
"Oh! Akito-sama!"
"What are you doing in the Men's bathroom?"
"Um…actually, Akito-sama…you're in the Ladies bathroom." Tohru blushed with embarrassment. "Do you want to tell me your problems? You'll feel better if you do…"
"I don't wanna tell you…….wahhh! Hatori told you my secret!"
"What secret?"
"About the Viagra!"
"Oh…well, I don't think that there is anything wrong with that."
"But he told you! He broke his promise!"
"Well, I'm sure he's really sorry, right Ritsu-chan?"
"Right!"
"But… now you know!"
"That you want babies?" she asked in a confused manner.
"No! That I can't have it."
"What is it?"
"AN ERECTION!"
"Um…what's an erection?"
Akito sighed. "You see, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much…"
"Wow…." Tohru blushed. "Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of!"
"It makes me feel…feel…old!" he spat.
"You don't even look a day over twenty-five!"
"I'm twenty."
"Oh…well…you still look beautiful, right Ritsu-chan?"
"Of course! Right, Ritsu-chan?"
"Right!"
"You both think I'm old!"
"No, no, no! That's not it at all! I think you're beautiful! If I had seen you a year before, I would've fallen head over heels in love with you!"
"Really?" he asked as he wiped a stray tear off.
"Yes."
"…Thank you……both of you."
Tohru was a bit startled when Akito actually THANKED her…but smiled. "Your welcome."
"This doesn't make us friends…so don't think I like you."
"Ok." Tohru smiled. Akito seemed really mean and cold, but inside…he was just a big ol' teddy bear.
"I'm leaving to find Hatori." And with that, Akito-sama left.
"Okay, well…we better change now." They both went into a stall and swapped clothing.
"Ritsu-chan?"
"Yes?"
"Will you help me put the wig, beard, and other accessories on?"
"Okay!"
When the final accessory was put on, a blinding, white light surrounded Tohru. Ritsu shielded his eyes and turned away. A familiar voice in the background sang the song 'itzy bitsy teeny weeny yellow-poke-a-dot bikini.' (But it was probably Shigure and Ayame going atit)As the song ended, the light faded away. In the middle of the bathroom stood Tohru…with an evil smirk.
"So, lassie…where's the gold?"
Thank you to all of those who reviewed so far...even though they aren't for me.
LD66: Okay! For those who survived! What'd ya think? I know…not as great as the first chappie…but who do you think I am…UF?
Audience: Wait…so you're really not her?"
LD66: sweat drops…and cries You mean that the only reason that you actually kept reading it was because you thought I was UF?
Audience: Basically….yeah…
LD66: WAHHH!
UF: It's okay…it's not your fault you can't be me….
FB Characters: What kind of sick twisted story are you making us play?
LD66: Mehehehehehehe…………….Okay…I know I'm not the best writer in the world…but could you at least review and tell me it was…not that bad? At least tell me that your eyes bled in horror…please?