"Don't worry El… it'll be ok" Marco tried to re assure me as we were waiting for D-Day. Ok so it's not d-day but a psychiatrist? Great… "it might actually help… I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore this might be good for you"
"Yeah or they might think I'm crazy and throw me into some mental institution" I said rolling my eyes
"I can assure you that will not happen" a tall, very professional looking female doctor complete with glasses and her hair back in a perfect bun, said walking into my room "you must be Eleanor Nash" she continued great she even sounds professional… I'm screwed "I'm Dr. Robinson, the head psychiatrist of this hospital and I've been informed that I was to see you today" I've been informed? Ok that's it
"ok first of all it's Ellie and second I don't need to talk to you… I'm fine" I retaliated
"Well from what I see from your medical charts you are not…Excuse me young man would you kindly leave us to talk alone?" Dr. Robinson said. Marco hesitated but eventually turned and walked out of the room. I rolled my eyes great this is gonna suck... "So… Ellie is it? Can you tell me why you are here" I just stared at her. "I see you have several broken ribs can you tell me how you got those?" I just continued to stare. She actually thinks I'm gonna answer her doesn't she?
"Look I get you're trying to help… I'm not trying to be a bitch or anything… but I hate talking about stuff… and I really don't wanna talk to you about anything"
"I understand it may be hard to talk to someone you don't think can relate to you…"
"no it's not even that… I can't even tell my best friends anything that's going on… I just don't talk… I hate it…"
"Well I see I'm not going to make any progress there but before I got I must see the extent of your self-injury to determine whether or not you are allowed to go home or not"
"Seriously?" I just stared at her…
"Its hospital policy that in cases of self-mutilation…" I cringed at that… self-mutilation… I hate it when people call it that… it's just a cut… I'm not trying to hack off my arm or anything… "…before you can be discharged" great so if I wanna leave this hell I actually have to show her? But it's my arm… my body… my life… it's my secret… MINE…heh… but I guess I have no fucking choice… shit… Well... I guess its worth it… but what if its bad enough that she can keep me here? I guess I'm pretty much screwed either way… I pulled my sweatshirt over my head but hesitated to roll the sleeves off my arms. C'mon Nash… you do this and you're free… I think… I pulled my sweatshirt off completely showing my deepest secret to this perfect stranger. In a way I felt naked… l was vulnerable… I had nowhere to hide this… someone was inspecting my arms… my cuts… my scars…my twisted comfort… and there was nothing I could do about it. Tears started rolling down my face and I didn't even notice until Dr. Robinson said something.
"Ellie this isn't nearly as bad as I've seen before so calm down, however…" I started to panic shit… she's gonna keep me here… it's really that bad… shit… "I must insist that you see a therapist about this. Dr. James is a highly trained therapist specializing in teenagers and I think you will benefit greatly from talking to her." I sighed in relief.
"So I can go?" I asked almost dreading the answer
"Yes" oh thank god… I have nowhere to go but anywhere is better than here. "But Ellie remember I need you to see Dr. James. I will be checking up on that" checking up? Fuck… that means I actually have to go… ok so I'll go once… or twice … just to make her forget… "I will send a nurse in to discharge you. Take care of yourself Ms. Nash" the Doctor said getting up and walking out of my room. I put my sweatshirt back on and a few seconds later Marco walked back in. I was so relieved to see my best friend.
"How'd it go?" he asked. I shrugged though he knew something happened because I had been crying.
"I can go home" I said "if only I actually had a home to go to"
"El you know you can stay with my family as long as you need to. My parents love you and they won't care… really"
"I can't stay with you forever. I have no family Marco… I have nowhere to go… my dad's dead… my mom… I don't give a shit… but I don't have anything left…" Tears were coming in a steady stream now "I'm scared I don't know what's gonna happen now" Marco came closer and wrapped me in a hug
"It's gonna be ok Ellie… we'll figure this out… I promise… I won't let you down" he said still holding me tight. I have the best friend in the world. I knew that Marco's promises mean something… and from that moment on I knew that everything was really gonna be ok… I was gonna be ok.