Chapter Seventeen – Love: Lost and Reborn

Weeks had gone by and still Jessica was without a single letter from Snape. Letters had come from Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall and even Gilderoy Lockhart had written her on one occasion. Since arriving at the Malfoy manor, Jessica had gone from writing Snape almost daily, then to only once or twice a week, and now, in the bitter end of January, each of her letters to Hogwarts were addressed to the Headmaster. If it weren't for her great uncle's short, but touching responses, Jessica would have been convinced that the Basilisk had done away with Snape.

On the contrary, Albus was very pleased to mention that there had not been an attack since prior to Christmas. Although Lockhart had mentioned in his letter that he had single-handedly frightened the monster away for good, Jessica found herself laughing aloud at the thought of his capability to remotely frighten any breed of reptile.

"Begging you pardon, Miss Van Eden," she heard a soft, squeaky voice say. Jessica looked over to see Pinky there at the door. "Master is waiting for you to join him for your lesson."

She groaned aloud. "Is it that time already?" she said rather unenthusiastically.

"It's a quarter after seven, Miss," Pinky confirmed.

In another attempt to irritate Lucius by flaunting her taste for Muggle fashion, Jessica put on a pair of blue jeans and a plain, long sleeved shirt. Before proceeding to her next dueling lesson she had a look at herself in the mirror.

It had been far too long since she'd felt comfortable in her street clothes. She turned to the side and admired the curvy body she hadn't seen in a long time. Although her robes were quite elegant, they did nothing to flatter her figure like Muggle clothing did. Under normal circumstances, Jessica would have done anything to point Lucius' keen eye away from her, but she was completely convinced that he would be so appalled by the Muggle clothing that he'd not be able to see past it.

Jessica grabbed her wand from her bedside table and left to meet Lucius. He was pacing when she arrived in the ballroom that had been transformed into a suitable environment for dueling. "You're late," he said and turned around to face her.

Exactly as she had predicted, a disgusted look appeared on his face when he saw the clothes she was wearing. His lips quivered as if he were about to say something, but in the end he just signed and turned away.

"I'm sorry," she apologized half-heartedly.

"Are you ready?"

Jessica looked up at Lucius with newfound loathing and eyed him dangerously. "Yes, I am."

"Good. What I'm going to teach you now is another Disabling Charm. Should all go well, your opponent will lose not only his wand, but his ability to strike back for a short amount of time." He cocked an eyebrow and held his wand out in front of him. "Just fair warning, you will collapse to the floor and lose almost all feeling in your body until the spell wears off."

Out of either fear or anxiety, Jessica's heart missed another beat. "For how long?" she asked.

"Not long," Lucius assured. "Just long enough for me to get away. Thirty, forty seconds at the most."

"All right," she agreed softly. "But turn about is fair play. Severus has already taught me some nasty curses."

"I have no doubt," Lucius said. He cleared his throat and stepped forward. "On three."

Jessica wasn't sure if this was going to be as painful as some of the other attacks had been. She prepared herself for the worst and held on to her wand as tight as she could.

"One. Two. Desarmaras!"

Jessica squeezed her eyes shut just as the spell hit her. It happened precisely as he had described. She fell backwards and hit the floor without feeling a thing. Moments afterwards she saw Lucius standing over her with a smug look on his face.

No matter how hard she tried, Jessica couldn't move a muscle. She couldn't even blink the dryness from her eyes. It felt like more than just thirty or forty seconds had gone by before she finally had some feeling in her limbs. She wiggled her fingers and swallowed hard before trying to get up.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Lucius asked and helped her up to her feet. He handed Jessica's wand to her and stood behind her until she could balance on her own. She turned her head so that her cheek was almost pillowed against his chest. Lucius stood still with one hand at her waist and the other over her opposite shoulder.

Either she didn't mind his assistance or she didn't have enough feeling in her torso to realize how close he was holding her against him. Lucius enjoyed every moment of their embrace and watched her face carefully. He hoped that some of the effects of the Black Orb would seize her soon enough.

As the warmth of his body spread to hers, Jessica tilted her head up and she closed her eyes. She took a gentle breath of the alluring aroma surrounding her and her lips breathed a single word in silence.

Severus.

She missed him so badly. So badly that in her weakness she found content in the warm embrace of the man he sent her away to be with.

Lucius.

Lucius!

Dear Merlin!

Jessica's eyes opened at once and she immediately stepped away from him, bewildered and in total disbelief that she'd allowed her body to be drawn to his.

"I'm sorry," she quickly apologized. "I didn't mean it. I just…"

What had she done? Was she so desperate to remember what it felt like to be in Severus' arms that she'd allow herself to seek comfort in the arms of the man she both feared and loathed?

"It's all right," Lucius said causally. "After being subject to the effects of the Desarmaras Charm, you're bound to experience a loss of equilibrium."

Jessica's mouth hung open slightly as Lucius stepped away from her and walked back to the other side of the mat. She found it to be rather fortunate that Lucius had only thought she'd lost her balance when she had moved her body against his.

She brushed her hands down her jeans as if to wipe the reminiscence of his closeness away. And if she knew how, Jessica would have removed every trace of his cologne from her clothing. As arousing as it was, she did not want to have to be reminded of him with every breath of Ardour.

Although, being that close to him felt just as arousing as she imagined in her dreams of him. He was warm, and she could feel a blaze of excitement rush through her body upon contact.

Enough! Jessica warned herself. It was foolish to think that Lucius Malfoy could arouse her. She hated him!

Didn't she?

Yes.

He's a Death Eater. Perhaps even the very Death Eater who murdered my mother… or, the Death Eater who took me from my home and dropped me at the feet of my father. Even now, Lucius would hand me over to his Dark Lord if he were strong enough to finish me off.

"Are you ready to hit me with Desarmaras?" Lucius asked.

Jessica casually shrugged her shoulder. "I suppose I am."

"Good. Take your position." Jessica held her own wand out in defense as he had instructed. "Des-arm-ar-as" he said slowly.

Jessica couldn't have cared less if she didn't pronounce the word correctly and caused something else to happen to Lucius, but she was more eager to be finished with the lesson than have to repeat spells and curses all night long.

"Desarmaras!" she shouted and watched the tip of her wand ignite. For one brief moment the entire room filled with a brilliant white light. Jessica lifted her arms to shield her eyes from the reflections bouncing from the walls of mirrors.

When she opened her eyes, Lucius was on the other side, face down on the mat. His hair was all to one side and his face was pressed awkwardly into the mat.

"Dear Merlin," she said to herself and approached Lucius. She waited for nearly half a minute before calling his name. "Lucius?" she said softly.

She could see that he was breathing but the way he was laying against the mats didn't make it look like he could breath very easily. Jessica knelt down next to him and rolled him over onto his back.

Over a minute had gone by since she had disarmed him, yet he still appeared completely paralyzed. She watched his body carefully for a moment, looking for any sign of movement.

"Lucius, are you all right?" Jessica asked and shook him gently.

He began to moan as if she had woken him from a deep sleep. His eyes began to open and he looked up at Jessica with a peculiar expression on his face.

"Who taught you to do that?" he asked.

Holding her hand behind his neck to elevate him slightly, Jessica lifted him just enough to set his shoulders on her knees. "I don't know what you mean. Who taught me what?"

He groaned again. "I assume that because I can't move my arms or legs, you somehow managed to take the spell to another level. That is a task not easily managed, even by the greatest of wizards."

"I'm sorry. I don't know what happened," Jessica said truthfully.

Lucius ground his teeth together and groaned as he tried to get up. Jessica saw his knee fidget and then collapse a second later.

"Take it easy," Jessica said as she hoisted him up into a sitting position. "You said yourself that the effects will wear off eventually." She let the back of his shoulders rest against her chest and watched as he began to flex his fingers.

"Well, I'm delighted you didn't take the opportunity to flee," Lucius said. "You must have placed enough trust in me to know that I'm not going to turn around and place you in a body-bind as soon as I'm back on my feet. Although, I'm quite tempted," he teased.

His jaunty approach wrought a smile on Jessica's face. She temporarily dismissed the desire she had to loath him when the fruity essence of his hair aroused her senses. She let a strand of the long blonde wisps touch her cheek. It was soft and tickled her neck.

"Are you ready to stand?" she asked when she saw his boot bouncing up and down.

"Yes, I believe so," Lucius answered. He slowly pulled his knees up together and pushed back on Jessica. She pulled him up under his arms and once he was up she walked around to his front and finally let go. He wobbled slightly and then went to take one step forward.

His foot came down in front of Jessica, and when he went to take another step, his body fell forward and Jessica caught him before he fell again. "Whoa," she cried as his weight came down on her. Jessica fell back and Lucius toppled over her.

"Perhaps we moved to quickly," Lucius whispered. "I'm dreadfully sorry," he apologized after realizing he had her pinned to the floor in a missionary position. "I really didn't mean for this to happen," he said quite seriously, although he didn't let the opportunity to feel her this close to him slip away in vain.

Jessica quickly slithered out from under him and jumped to her feet. This time she watched from a few feet away as Lucius stood himself up. She backed up against the wall and stood still as he regained all feeling in his limbs. In the time it took him to compose himself, Jessica closed her eyes and reflected on what had just happened.

Something she did caused the spell to intensify. She had never done that before in any of their training lessons, nor had she ever helped him up after disarming him. It was almost terrifying being so close to him and then ending up caged beneath him, but at the same time…

"Dear Merlin," she whispered to herself as she remembered her last vivid dream of him. She compared the feel of his body pressed against her in the dream to the reality of being beneath him on the floor. In her dreams she allowed Lucius to arouse her, knowing that it was only a dream. Now… today… right here… his closeness aroused her just the same.

Terrified of the thought of wanting to be so close to Lucius and angry at herself for feeling this way for him, Jessica kept her eyes squeezed shut and reminded herself just how appalling this was becoming. She didn't want Lucius, but her body was begging to know if this man was just as superb in reality as he was in her dreams.

Lucius tossed his hair behind his shoulders and straightened up in a dignified manner. He eyed Jessica and saw that she was still a little shaken. He stepped up to her and offered her his hand. "Are you all right, Jessica?" he asked while still maintaining a respectable distance from her.

"I'm fine," she insisted. "Just fine."

Jessica watched in shock as her hand reached out to take his. He helped her back onto the mat and began walking with her to the doors. "I think perhaps we've had enough for today," he decided. "This evening you may continue with your reading. After dinner either Narcissa or I will review along with you."

"All right," Jessica agreed. She looped her wand through the belt loops of her blue jeans and then looked hopefully into Lucius' eyes. She gave him a dispirited look of wanting, yearning and agony – and he saw right through it.

When he sighed Jessica knew right away that he knew something was troubling her, perhaps even exactly what might be troubling her.

Impossible, Jessica told herself, he couldn't possibly know what's troubling me. He can't see into my dreams.

She looked up into his pale blue eyes like a frightened girl ready to receive a scolding. His mere curiosity frightened her and his suddenly overpowering presence intimidated her. Jessica was considerably shorter than he was which only added to the frightened child inside her.

"For one moment," Lucius began in the softest voice Jessica had ever heard surpass his lips, "may we put our differences aside long enough for you to tell me what it is I can do to make your stay here more enjoyable? I don't want to keep seeing you mope about the manor."

Her fear of him slowly subsided until all that remained was the awkward desire to be closer to him. "We're not so different, you and I," she found herself saying. "You've been nothing but kind and generous towards me since the moment I arrived, and for that I am grateful. Quite honestly I feared that you would be the man I mistook you for when we met last year. You've already done everything you can to make me feel happy and welcome. It's just that…" She turned her gaze from his eyes to his lips and then closed her eyes, not wanting to be lured into the awful temptation.

"Just what?" Lucius encouraged. He took one step closer to her and turned her chin up with his gloved hand, touching his fingers to her as little as possible.

Jessica looked anxiously between each of his eyes and then closed her hands around his. "I've been away from Severus for a long time now, and I think my longing for him is playing some nasty tricks on me in my sleep. I long to be with him, but in his absence… I find myself…"

I can't believe I'm thinking of telling him this, Jessica said to herself. No, I can't. I cannot tell him about my dreams, but I can neither go on pretending that he doesn't entertain my thoughts and desires.

"I understand," Lucius said.

"No, I don't think you do." Jessica absentmindedly squeezed her hands tight around his glove. She neglected to notice that her fingers were rubbing the brown leather affectionately as she spoke. "I do want you to understand that I love Severus very much," she said, "and being here with you… I somehow find myself wanting to be reminded of what it feels like to be loved, and to be held, and…"

Jessica's voice trailed off as she took the closing stride towards Lucius and stepped up on her tiptoes before closing her eyes and touching her lips to his. She kissed him softly once for a little while until she realized that he was not returning her kiss. Although his lips remained motionless, Lucius did not step away or push her back. He stood patiently and watched her as she backed down and took her hands off of him.

"I'm very sorry," Jessica apologized sincerely. "I – I don't know what I was thinking. Forgive me." She started to walk around him but felt Lucius' hands come around her shoulders and stop her from leaving. He held her right in front of him and gazed down at her with a serious expression on his face.

"I believe I know what you were thinking," Lucius said, "but as lonely as you may feel, that gives you no right to be so bold as to kiss a married man."

Jessica shed a shameful tear and raised her hand to wipe it away.

Before she could, Lucius brought his finger to her cheek and wiped it for her. He lifted her chin again and sighed as he looked at her reddened eyes. "I know you love Severus, and I understand it must have been very difficult to say what you just said to me. Don't feel ashamed for feeling the way you do, you are human, you are in love, and you have been neglected. What you are going through right now is perfectly normal." Lucius brought his hands down to coil around her shoulders. "After I kiss you, perhaps you will walk away with enough guilt on your conscience to realize that you'll never again want to betray the man you truly love."

Before Jessica could respond to his words, Lucius slanted his head down and settled his lips on top of hers. Jessica was taken aback by the hot, heavy motion of his lips stroking over hers and the strong, gloved fingers wrapping around the back of her neck. As Lucius held her close Jessica didn't even think of pulling back. His kiss in reality felt as warm and intense as it did in her dreams. Jessica weaved her hands through his hair and opened her mouth to him when his tongue began to stroke softly against her bottom lip. She moaned low in her throat and took one more quick breath before Lucius framed her face in his hands and kissed deep in her mouth as her hands came down and grasped his broad shoulders.

When his tongue touched hers Jessica gave into the sensations that were rushing through her body. The heat that suffused her limbs spread quickly and invaded her core. Jessica turned hot, wanting to feel his hands upon her body.

Frightened by her fierce desires Jessica pulled back quickly. Lucius looked anything but surprised, rather satisfied that she'd broken the kiss first. What she was unaware of was how close he had been to fulfilling her desires by taking her into his arms and filling his hands with her generous curves.

His serious expression reminded Jessica of his last words. She thought of Severus and how she had just betrayed him by taking pleasure in a kiss from another man, and a married man at that. Consumed with guilt, just as Lucius had predicted, Jessica brought her fingers to her lips to wipe the feel of his kiss away.

She squeezed her eyes shut realizing that she wanted his taste to linger on her lips and in her mouth just a little bit longer. Jessica sniffed, torn between wanting to hold Lucius again and honouring Severus by never touching Lucius again.

Lucius touched his own lips. He eyed Jessica carefully and released a heavy breath before speaking. "There was a time when I desperately wanted to be the man chosen to take you as a wife, Jessica," he confessed. "The day Voldemort announced he had a daughter, one who he wanted to give to his most faithful follower, I got down on my knees and swore that I would do anything to have you." He picked his cloak up and tied it neatly around him. "That was before I had even seen how beautiful you were. Without even knowing you, I loved you for many years, Jessica. I wanted you purely because I thought I'd never find a woman who was willing to love and marry me once she found out what I was. Now, I've found the woman I never thought existed and I am very lucky to have her. Please Jessica," he looked desperately into her eyes. "Please, understand that if tempted again, I don't know if I'll be able to resist you."

She was startled by the confession she had just heard. Lucius Malfoy had been in love with her since the day she was born! Jessica looked at him and nodded, declaring a silent agreement that she'd not tempt him again.

"Good," he said and reached for his cane leaning against the wall. Before leaving he bent his head down to Jessica's ear. "You are beautiful," he whispered in assurance. "Severus is a very lucky man to have you."

Before he straightened up, Lucius put his hand to her chin and touched a single kiss to Jessica's cheek. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, knowing that this would be the last time she ever felt his lips upon her.