Chapter 3 – Memory Lane

The minute Atton stepped aboard the Ebon Hawk, it was as though the hands of time had turned back sixteen months. "Déjà vu," he muttered to himself. He stopped and looked around in the main hold as Revan disappeared into the cockpit. Well, this is definitely a place I never thought I'd see again… He ran his hand through his long, matted, dirty hair and words that Mira had told him after Malachor V came to mind. "Do you ever bathe?" He laughed gently to himself. He had lost touch with Mira, probably the only real friend he had made aboard the Ebon Hawk – other than Jena, of course. Friend, despite the fact they had openly hated each other from day one. But after Atton had carried the unconscious Jena back to the ship on Dantooine – after her meeting with Masters Vrook, Kavar, and Zez-Kai Ell went haywire – he and Mira had come to an understanding, and she had then become his biggest ally in his quest to earn Jena's favor.

But here he was, roughly a year and a half later, and he didn't even know where Mira was anymore. He felt a little sorry, for as much as he had feared what he originally mistook for insanity on her part, maybe even borderline psychosis, he had truly learned to appreciate her in the end. And when he had forced himself to leave Jena behind, she had been there for him. He recalled that morning when he showed up at the Citadel Station docking bay at six thirty in the morning, with tears streaming down his face. He finally admitted to himself almost a year and a half later that he had been crying, although he had long denied it. And Mira had not asked – she had immediately understood why he was there and why he was crying. She'd always been quick like that. She had sympathetically hugged him.

"You know you're doing the right thing, right?"

"Yeah, I know…"

It was the second time they had exchanged those very words. The first time was after Atton had told her he'd stay away from Jena, so he wouldn't distract her from her quest. Of course, that was before he caught Jena crying in the port side room and unexpectedly found himself sharing a bed with her. Yeah, after that, I didn't so much want to stay away from her…

He smiled, and sighed. He and Mira had then boarded the freighter to Nar Shaddaa, and they had basically lost touch after that. He saw her a few times in the cantina – he had had to avoid the Pazaak Lounge, as he no longer had his side-deck with him and couldn't seem to find anyone to sell him a new one. But after about a week, he started thinking it was time for him to head back to Telos and start helping with the restoration efforts, as he had promised Jena he would. Plus he was about to run out of credits, and with no pazaak deck, had no way of earning them back. The last time he saw Mira was two nights before he left. He'd run into her at the cantina, as usual, and she had told him she was off to Kashyyyk. The words had reminded him of the comment she had made about being covered in Wookiee blood when she boarded the Ebon Hawk on Malachor. She had then taken a step away from him, and had quickly turned around again, shocking the wits out of him by hugging him for the second time.

"I think she's left," she had informed him.

"Oh yeah? And how would you know that?"

She had patted the lightsaber hilt hanging off her belt. "Call it an instinct," she had said.

"Then how come I can't feel it?" he had asked. He had paused and closed his eyes. Mira was right. Jena had left. He had been too busy brooding to notice it… but right then, he could sense that her presence was a little fainter. She had definitely left – left without him.

Atton had sighed both in sorrow and relief. At least there was no turning back now. All week he had been struggling with the idea of going back to her… he hadn't even given her a chance to say goodbye! He had cowardly left while she was sleeping. Already, he was starting to forget what she looked like. He desperately yearned for her and longed to have something to remember her by, other than his robe. He knew he didn't really need anything to remember her, but he thought it would be… nice to have something... something to help him remember her face – he had always been terrible with faces. At least she had the recorded message he had left her on T3. He had nothing – nothing but ghostly memories that came back to haunt him at the least opportune times.

Atton snapped out of his daze. Revan was gone, and he felt the rumble of the engines turning on. He felt uneasy being on the Hawk while someone else was piloting. It just isn't right.

He heard a voice behind him.

"Atton."

Atton rolled his eyes, turned around and looked at the stern figure standing outside the medical room door. Yup… it's going to be exactly like old times. "What is it, Mical?"

"Forgive me for saying this, but… well, you look terrible."

"Thanks. I hadn't noticed."

Mical sneered. "No, I meant, worse than usual."

"That's cute, Mical. When the hell did you get so witty, anyway? Did you spend all day thinking up that joke?"

"You may want to use the facilities to get yourself cleaned up… You smell… horrible. There's also a razor in there for you to remove that… thing… you're cultivating on your face."

"You know, you're lucky I'm still drunk and not hungover, because I might not be so nice to you then."

Mical ignored his veiled threat. "You're a credit to Jedi everywhere. Jena would be quite proud of you right now if she saw you, I'm sure," he said sarcastically.

"Hey, don't you start talking about Jena. Don't you dare start talking about her!" he yelled. "Not if you don't want to end up on the wrong end of my lightsaber."

Mical scoffed. "Don't think you can intimidate me with your drunken threats. Can you even still use your lightsaber, or is it mere decoration at this point?"

"Oh, I can use it, all right!" spat Atton, unsure of whether it was true or not. "You know, if it had been up to you, Jena would've blown up along with Malachor while you guys were happily cruising along in the galaxy."

Mical stared at him blackly. "Nice to see you've changed your irritatingly relentless tune from 'Oh, Jena, I've endangered you!' to 'Oh, Jena, I am your hero, you owe me your life!'"

"I never said she owed…" began Atton hotly. He then closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "Look, can we call a truce for now? I know we've managed it in the past… kind of… I'm just… drunk… very drunk. And I'm starting to get a nasty headache… Plus running into the Dark Lord Revan wasn't exactly the highlight of my day… and then there's the bond business…"

Mical stared at his feet. "Very well… You are right, of course; I shouldn't let… Wait. What do you mean, 'Bond business'?"

"I haven't been able to sense Jena's presence in four months. You of all people should know what that means."

Mical gaped. "But surely you don't think she's… dead?"

Atton shrugged. "I don't know what to think anymore," he said wearily, looking away.

"Well, that's fairly obvious…" retorted Mical sharply. He paused and took a deep breath. "I'm sorry. We agreed on a truce. I honestly don't know why sometimes you anger me so much. I've never met anybody who gets me so riled up."

"Yeah, Jena said that to me once." He grinned. "Except in our case, it was kind of a good thing… you know, helps with the sexual tens—"

"Atton, please!"

Atton suddenly remembered to whom he was talking. "Right. Sorry. Forgot for a moment there," he meekly said. "Like I said… I'm drunk."

"I could tell. You smell like a Nar Shaddaa brewery – amongst other things. But back to Jena… I really don't think that if Liah thought Jena was dead, we… actually, it's really not my place to say… you should go speak to Liah. She'll let you know what's going on." Mical stepped back into the medical room. As Atton headed back toward the cockpit, he heard him bellow, "And do get cleaned up, for Force's sake!"

Shrugging, Atton decided to ignore him and to head toward the cockpit anyway. I'm not about to get cleaned up for Lord Revan, no matter how attractive she may be without that helmet of hers. As he started walking, he heard a buzzing sound behind him. He turned. A little droid had rolled into the cockpit, stopped, and beeped curiously at him.

"Well, well!" exclaimed Atton. "If it isn't the little trash compacter! Didn't think I'd see you here."

"Dee-deet bleep!"

"Oh, don't you worry, I'm not happy to see you either."

"Dwoooo…"

"Don't you 'Dwoooo' me. You know exactly why I'm not happy to see you. Well, other than the fact you're a droid, of course. You were supposed to look after Jena. Didn't do a really good job, now did you?"

"Dwoooo… Deet dee-deet bleep deet!"

"I don't care what your excuse is. I don't care if she held a blaster to your… head… thing… and said she'd obliterate you if you didn't let her go off alone. You should've still gone with her."

"DEET! BLEEP DEET!"

"Hey, let's not get personal, here. I had to let her go. It was different."

"Bleep deet bop deet?"

"Yeah, I guess you're right…" he sighed, more subdued. "It pretty much is the same thing. I know how she gets. I'm sorry." Wait… did I just apologize to a droid? Just what in the hell has happened to me over the past year? It's bad enough I'm actually able to understand what it's saying.

"Deet! Dee-bee-dee-bee-deet!"

Lights started flashing rapidly on T3-M4. What the…? A beam of light turned on, and Atton was faced with a life-size hologram of a short woman with a wide smile and a small, kissable mole above her lip. She was thin, much thinner than she had previously been.

"Jena!" he gasped.

"Hello pazaak boy!" said the image. "I take it if you're watching this that T3 has somehow found his way to you, like I hoped he would… Thank you, T3. Anyway, Atton, I hope you're doing well… and that you're keeping out of trouble, for the most part… or at any rate, at least out of force cages. I know how much you love those." He smirked over the last few words. She sighed and spoke more quietly. "About the way you left…"

His smile faded. Great. Well, I guess I know what's coming… I suppose I deserve it…

"Knowing you, by now you've probably second-guessed your decision a million times… Don't. It was for the best. Quite frankly, I don't know if I would've found the courage to walk away from you when the time came, and I had to… I had to do it."

That wasn't exactly what I was expecting, but I won't complain!

She paused and suddenly laughed. His heart leapt at the sound. "Kind of funny that I had enough courage to come out here, but not enough to say goodbye to my pilot. Mind you, you are pretty sexy." She snickered playfully.

Dammit, Jens, I've missed that flirty way of yours… to say the least… He groaned. A year and a half... it's been a year and a half!

"Thanks for the cards, by the way… I've been counting cards nonstop since I got here. It's kept me busy. Though I really have to wonder what you've been doing to spend your time, without your pazaak deck." She laughed again. "Maybe I don't want to know." She smiled again and grew sober. "Anyway, I don't want to get your hopes up, but I think I might be coming home relatively soon… I think Revan's starting to worry about me... she's hinted at sending me back" She chuckled slightly. "I don't see why she'd be worried… I'm fine. There's just one thing I really need to do before I go. I'm… looking for someone. Once I've found him, I think I might be heading back. I'm leaving T3 behind, because there's no point in bringing him along. I know you told him to look after me." She chuckled. "Don't be too hard on him… He put up quite a fight. But you know me… I always get my way. Although you always seem to give me quite a run for my credits in the process."

Atton laughed. It's my specialty, babe.

Her smile faded. "Anyway, I really hope this reaches you… in case at some point you start losing hope. I'll still be here, just far and… out of reach. So, don't give up. I'll come back just as soon as I'm done with this. And I…" she faltered and spoke quietly. "I hope you're still waiting for me… because I can't stop thinking about you… about us. You have no idea how much I miss you. I love you, Atton. I'll see you soon."

The image flickered and died. Atton stood still for a few moments, letting Jena's message sink in. T3 looked uneasily at him, wondering what he was thinking. You could never tell with Atton. Suddenly, Atton leapt and hugged T3 fiercely.

"Thank you, thank you, thank you!" exclaimed Atton, elated.

"DEET!" T3 was somewhat distressed by this unexpected and rather unusual treatment.

Atton, suddenly realizing what he was doing, let go. He cleared his throat uncomfortably and straightened his robe. He then frowned and looked at T3 sternly.

"Wait a minute… you weren't going to show me this at first, were you!"

"Dweeeeeeeeeeee…" chanted T3 innocently.

"You weren't! You only showed it to me because I apologized!"

"Dweeeeee-doo-dweeeeee…" continued T3.

"You're lucky I'm in a good mood. I'll deal with you later. Now I have to go get cleaned up in a bad way."