Chapter 8 – Plus One, Minus One

"Dammit!" exclaimed Atton as he dropped his lightsaber. He pursed his lips and quickly bent down to pick it up. Revan looked at him with a mixture of contempt and derisiveness.

"I hope this isn't how you're planning the help rescue Jena, Jaq," she taunted.

Atton glared at her and, without a word, determinedly gripped his lightsaber more firmly. He readjusted his stance and, frowning, waited for Revan to challenge him again. We've been at this for two hours! Of course I'm going to start getting tired! He tried his best to ignore the nagging voice at the back of his mind that pointed out to him that it was hardly an excuse, as Revan still could spar with hardly any effort on her part. He narrowed his eyes and took a bold step toward Revan.

"Focus!" she warned as her lightsaber came into contact with his. Atton parried two attacks before dropping his lightsaber again. "I told you to focus!" Revan exclaimed, slightly exasperated.

"Shut up about focusing already!" shot Atton furiously. "How the hell do you expect me to focus if you keep on talking?"

Revan rolled her eyes. "That's the point, Jaq. You're supposed to be able to block out all distractions. And that's including me talking to you. You seem to be doing progressively worse. You weren't nearly this bad an hour ago."

Atton ran his hand through his hair irritably. "Well, of course I wasn't!" he yelled. "It's been two hours! I'm bloody tired!" Fuming, he reached down and grasped at his dropped lightsaber once again. As he moved the hilt toward his belt, clearly intent on putting his weapon away and bringing an end to the training session, Revan walked over to him and put her hand on his arm, stopping his movement.

"Don't," she said a little gentler. Their eyes locked and something in Atton's stare made Revan slowly withdraw her hand. "Look, I know you haven't had that much training… I mean, Jena could only do so much—"

Atton turned red. "There was nothing wrong with Jena's training," he snapped.

Revan sighed. "That's not what I meant to say. What I meant was she didn't have time to…" She paused, frowned slightly and suddenly smiled mockingly. "You two can come out of hiding," she said, still facing Atton, but evidently not addressing him. "I know you're there." She then turned toward the door, quickly mimicked by Atton, and they came face to face with Mira and Dustil, sheepishly walking around the corner, pazaak cards in hand.

"Sorry," mumbled Dustil. "We heard a bit of a commotion and we came to investigate…"

"That's all right," replied Revan, smiling. "I just figured Atton needed a bit more training… he's still pretty rusty," she said with a sideways glance at Atton.

Atton shot a baleful look at her. "Gee, thanks, Rev," he grumbled, hooking his lightsaber to his belt.

Ignoring Atton's venomous stares, Revan turned to Mira curiously. "Actually, Mira, I'd like to see what you can do, too. Would you mind sparring for a bit?"

"Sure!" replied Mira brightly, handing her pazaak cards over to Dustil for keepsake, and making her way toward the middle of the room. Atton snorted rudely and muttered, "Good luck!" before turning toward the door.

"Atton, wait!" Revan called out after him. "I was actually thinking she could spar with you."

"Aw, come on, Rev!" protested Atton, wiping his sweaty palms down the sides of his robe. "Weren't the past two hours enough of a—"

"Do it, padawan," ordered Revan. I knew it. This whole taking me on as a student thing has nothing to do with wanting to train me more, but everything to do with finding an excuse to boss me around.

"Fine… fine!" shrugged Atton, reaching for his lightsaber again as he walked toward the center of the room again.

Dustil sat up against a wall and watched as Atton and Mira both ignited their lightsabers simultaneously. With the air of one wanting to get things over quickly, Atton took a firm step toward Mira, and their weapons collided. Not taking her eyes off the pair, Revan backed away and stood next to Dustil, smiling broadly.

"Come on, Mira!" she encouraged. "Don't be afraid to show him who's boss!"

'Show him who's boss?' Atton frowned and fought back with all his might. I may lose to Revan, but I am not losing to a girl. He parried and hit Mira's lightsaber. Well, at least not to a girl other than Revan. Revan barely qualifies anyway. Their weapons collided a few times more, and Atton found himself forced to take a step back. He heard a low impish chuckle coming from his right side.

"Looks like you're about to get your ass handed to you, Jaq!" derided Revan.

Atton clenched his teeth. "I don't think so!" he hissed determinedly. He swung his lightsaber faster and harder in an effort to regain his starting position. He managed to take a step forward, then another two as he forced Mira to retreat a little. At this point Revan, satisfied, called off the fight.

"Good work," she said, smiling. "Atton, I feared for your manly pride for a moment there… But at least you are becoming a lot more focused. And Mira… quite impressive! I can see why Jolee decided to take you on as a student."

Mira smiled, and Atton appeared to be significantly less annoyed. He however still hooked his lightsaber back onto his belt and commented, "All right well, wish I could say this had been pleasant, because it hasn't. I'd stay and chat, but I have piloting duties coming on." He turned and walked decisively toward the door, not about to let Revan stop him a third time.

Mira looked crestfallen. "But we were just getting started!" she commented disappointedly.

Atton scoffed. "Yeah, maybe you were…" he mumbled, without bothering to turn around or making any particular effort to be heard.

Revan's shoulders shook with laughter over the contrast between their attitudes. "Tell you what," she told Mira. "Why don't we give Atton a break and get Dustil in on the action?" She turned to Dustil as she spoke those last words. "I know you're dying to," she added, smiling at the young man. Dustil quickly dropped both pazaak decks on the floor and got up in one swift move. He ran to the center of the room enthusiastically, stood across from Mira, grinning, and pulled out his lightsaber.

Atton chuckled to himself as he left the room. Kid's a bit too eager, if you ask me… Mira will never go for that. He's making a bit of an idiot of himself. Atton smiled condescendingly, oblivious to the fact that he had been every bit as idiotic with Jena, and just as overly eager to please her when they traveled together.

Leaving the sounds of battle behind, he made his way over to the cockpit. "Move over, it's my turn!" he announced the instant he walked through the door.

Carth, sitting in the pilot's seat, glanced over his shoulder and sighed in relief. "Good. I thought I was about to fall asleep." His features were slightly drawn and he did appear to be thoroughly exhausted.

Atton looked at him confusedly. "You mean you never sleep while sitting in the cockpit?"

Carth peered at him uneasily, suddenly reluctant to get up from his seat. "You mean you do?"

Atton shrugged, unperturbed. "Sure. Not like I had much of a choice before, being the only pilot and all… Plus, once this thing is in hyperspace and on auto-pilot… What else are you going to do?"

Carth raised an eyebrow. "Well, that might explain all the crashes…" he said thoughtfully.

"Hey!" protested Atton. "I never once crashed because I was asleep. I was wide awake for those. Believe me. Besides… I'm a pretty light sleeper, so any sounds or alarms coming from the panel would wake me up." He crept up right next to Carth. "Now, get out of my chair," he ordered.

Carth obediently got up and stood behind the seat as Atton let himself drop down on the cushy leather with a sigh of contentment. No more sparring… at last! I'd like to see her come get me now! The corners of Carth's lips curled into a jesting smile. "Why are you so sweaty anyway? Been spending more time in the cargo hold with Liah?" he said, winking significantly.

Atton looked mildly disgusted. "Okay, it's just disturbing that you're making jokes like that about your own girlfriend," he replied, putting his feet up on the control board. "And yes, I was, if you must know," he added. "It was a bloody nightmare. Revan's sadistic. I don't understand why you'd want to spend time with this woman on purpose." Carth smirked. "Mind you," mused Atton, "she does treat you a hell of a lot better than she treats me." He moved his hand to his pocket and winced slightly from a pulled muscle in the arm. He held up the pazaak deck he had retrieved from his robe and asked, glancing up at Carth, "I don't suppose you play?"

Carth shook his head. "Nah… pazaak kind of bores me. But by all means, don't let me stop you if you want to play. You seem to enjoy playing by yourself, for some reason… Which I think would make this game even more boring." He turned around and walked to the door. "Where's Liah at now?" he asked.

"Still in the cargo hold," replied Atton absent-mindedly, his thoughts already focused on counting cards. Eleven… "She sure likes watching others spar, that one. First she got me and Mira to face off, but then she sucked in your kid. He and Mira were about to get into it when I left." Sixteen… What do I have? A +6 card? That's no good… When the hell did I pick up that crappy card? I miss my good deck…I really hope Jena didn't lose it. His thoughts were distracted when he noticed from the corner of his eye that Carth had turned around and sat in the co-pilot's seat. "What are you doing?" asked Atton, suddenly lifting his eyes off his cards. "Haven't you had enough of this place?"

"A bit," admitted Carth, putting his feet up just as Atton had. "But I'm not sleepy, and well… you've experienced how… intense Liah can get. Those kids won't be out of that cargo hold for hours."

"Sounds like you've experienced this first hand," quipped Atton, smirking. "Never mind," he quickly added when his gaze met Carth's mischievous eyes. "I actually really don't want to know anything having to do with you and Rev. It's bad enough I have to see the two of you together all the time; I really don't need details of what goes on behind closed doors. That would just give me mental images, and I'd like to be able to get to sleep without waking up screaming." He glanced back down to the cards on his lap. "You sure you don't want to play?" he endeavored, grinning.

Carth sighed and shrugged. "I might as well," he said regretfully. "Not much else I can do around here, except talk to Mical, and… well…" Carth looked embarrassed and left his sentence hang.

Atton nodded in understanding as he started shuffling the cards. "And he's about as much fun as flossing banthas," he said, finishing Carth's sentence. The latter smiled uncomfortably, indicating that Atton had voiced his thoughts exactly. Atton continued, "Plus, as an added bonus for me, he thinks I'm the biggest scum in the galaxy and that I'm completely unworthy to lick the crud off of Jena's boots. Which, between you and me" – he scratched the back of his head awkwardly and grimaced – "is kind of true… But still… the fact that he keeps reminding me of that makes him a royal pain in the backside." Carth nodded sympathetically, and Atton dealt the cards. They both gathered up their hands and Atton's face grew sober as he gazed down at the cards between the two of them.

"So," began Carth, after uninterestedly glancing at his cards, "you must be pretty excited at the idea that you might see Jena soon…"

Atton peered over his cards with narrow eyes. "Carth, you seem to be unaware of the fact that you're not supposed to talk while playing pazaak. You're supposed to be counting cards." Granted that wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I don't really want to talk about Jena right now.

"Oh. Sorry." Carth brought his eyes back down to the cards he held in his hand. The two men played silently for a moment, Atton looking more serious than Carth had ever seen him. Atton slapped a card down in front of him. Carth, not taking his eyes off his hand added, "Well… aren't you?"

Atton sighed loudly, threw his cards down, pulled Carth's right out of his hands and gathered up his deck. "All right, all right," he grumbled, putting his cards away in his pocket. "I get it. Clearly you're in a chatty mood and don't want to play."

Carth smiled apologetically. "Sorry. Like I said… pazaak bores me."

"And you're dead set on ruining it for the rest of us who do want to play and who aren't in a chatty mood. Got it. Fine." Atton sighed loudly. "Yes, I'm excited at the thought of seeing Jena… assuming she's still alive when we get there. The way things are headed, you and Revan will have grandchildren before we get to her."

Carth chuckled. "Oh come on, it's not that…" He suddenly stopped and frowned. "Wait a minute, what do you mean, 'grandchildren'? What are you implying?"

Atton quickly responded, "Nothing, nothing… just… bad choice of words…" How could he possibly not have noticed his son and Mira hanging off each other all the time? Mind you, in his defense, they're not really hanging off each other per se… they're just… hanging together. A LOT. No point in worrying the poor guy. He's got enough to deal with, what with being practically married to Lord Revan. What a nightmare that must be! Atton closed his eyes, searching his words. "Don't mind anything I say. I guess I'm just… worried… that we might not…"

"We'll find her," assured Carth hurriedly.

"You can't know that," muttered Atton weakly. "We have no idea where she is… we've got nothing to go on… All we know is the general area where she was headed when Revan saw her last… before we lost contact. We can't even know if she's still…" Atton swallowed.

"We'll find her," repeated Carth firmly.

Atton stared blankly ahead of him, trying to let Carth's words give him hope, but he felt that the effort was pointless at that moment. He was too drained… too dispirited… and too tired. Definitely too tired. I wish I could be as certain as he is… He blinked slowly. Man, I'm exhausted. Maybe going sparring with Revan for two hours before my piloting shift wasn't such a good idea… Not like she'd have listened to me anyway, if I had made the error of protesting. She can be so… He blinked again, his eyelids taking a bit longer to reopen. I can't believe I'm stuck in the cockpit with… Blink. The one guy on the ship who doesn't like pazaak… Blink. Even Mical would… Atton closed his eyes once more and fell asleep.

It was late in the evening in the Ithorian Compound vivarium. Atton was very tired from his day. He had been up since the crack of dawn that morning, doing various chores, and he had run out to the surface accompanied by Carth to take a look around and determine the next step to take with the Telos restoration. It had been a particularly long day. Atton glanced up at the clock. It was ten o'clock. Atton bade Chodo Habat good night and turned to leave. He was going home. I must be getting old if it's ten o'clock and all I can think about it getting home to sleep. I mean, it might make more sense if I at least had someone to go home to… He closed his eyes and smiled sadly as he stopped to sense the presence that always hovered around him. Still there, as always… The sadness slowly drifted away from his smile as he concentrated on their bond. There you are, babe… Still hanging on, I see… It's been a year, Jens… When are you coming home? I miss you like you wouldn't believe. He gasped as he suddenly felt an overpowering sensation of warmth. He forced himself to keep his eyes closed, knowing that if he opened them, reality would set in. With his eyes shut, he almost felt as though she was right next to him… could almost feel her breath on his neck… could almost feel her lips on his… almost. He shook his head and groaned. I love you too, Jena. I miss you… please, please come home. The minute the thought crossed his mind, he felt guilty. I'm sorry; I shouldn't be thinking that… it's not fair to you. I know you want to see me as badly as I want to see you. You do what you have to do. Just… try to make it fast, will you? This is even harder than I thought it'd be… It's been months, and… every time I go to bed, all I can think about is that night you were there with me… You'd better clear up some room on your calendar when you come back, because I'm dragging you into that room and we're not coming out for three days.

He chuckled to himself, knowing full well that she couldn't hear him, but at the same time knowing that talking to her like this and pretending she could hear him was the only way he could stay sane…

He arrived at his apartment, unlocked the door and heaved a sigh of relief as he closed the door behind him. Well, one more day over… One more day closer to Jena coming back – whenever that may be. I wish there was some way I could actually talk to her. This bond thing can only do so much. All it's telling me is that she's still alive. Which is good, obviously, but… He sighed. I really wonder sometimes if she needs my help. I mean – she has needed it in the past. Maybe I should just forget about this stupid useless crap I do here and go after her. Maybe… maybe that's what she was expecting me to do all along. Maybe she was hoping I would. Maybe… He frowned. No… no, I'm not making any sense. I am needed here and she made me promise to stay. I have to stay. I promised her. As long as she's alive, I have to keep on doing this. I'd hate to have to explain to her why I suddenly stopped doing the one simple thing she asked me to do. He chuckled and addressed the empty room. "Sorry, babes, I know you were out there risking your life every single day, and you only asked me to do one thing, but… well… I just didn't feel like it anymore." He laughed. "Yeah, like that wouldn't land me in the kath hound pen for the next fifteen years," he muttered to himself with a mocking smile. Still grinning over the thought of having to explain to Jena why he had abandoned his position, he walked over to his bed, rummaging through his pockets. He pulled out a handful of credits and slapped them down on his bedside table. One of them fell under the bed. He knelt down and reached in… and pulled out a /- 1 pazaak card. Frowning, he sat down onto the floor, studying the card closely. It's from my old deck. What…? He suddenly realized what had happened. Nothing had been moved in the apartment ever since that last night he had spent there with Jena. He had gathered up his pazaak cards before he left and set them down on Jena's things… but he must have missed one. He wasn't entirely sure how it had gotten there in the first place, but the mess around him clearly indicated how it had remained in its position. He wordlessly stared at the card, suddenly discouraged. That night seemed so long ago. When would she be coming back?

Lifting his eyes away from the card, a confused look appeared on his face. Something was off. It could hardly be described as a disturbance in the Force. It was more like a sudden void in it. For the first time in months, Atton felt very much… alone. His eyes widened when he realized what was missing.

"Jena?" he whispered through white lips.

He uneasily laughed at himself. Of course she's not gone… she'll be back any minute. You'll see… Just because you can't sense her doesn't mean she's… I mean she can't be… He shook his head. Of course she can't be. He let out a nervous chuckle. Won't I feel like the galaxy's biggest moron when the bond comes back! He sat up expectantly. "Any minute now," he muttered… He absent-mindedly twirled the pazaak card between his fingers. A few moments went past. "Any minute now," he repeated with already less assurance… "Jena, please," he whispered desperately.

"Atton?" said a voice behind him. He felt a nudge on his shoulder. "Atton?" repeated the voice.

"Atton!" said Carth again, still shaking Atton's shoulder. "Hey! Atton! Wake up!"

Atton opened his eyes and saw Carth smirking down at him. "I thought you said you were a light sleeper!" commented the admiral. Atton blinked and quickly turned away when he felt a cold tear roll down his cheek. Can't let Carth see me crying over a stupid dream… no matter how accurate and vivid it was. It wouldn't be as bad as if it was Revan, but it would still be bad enough. He casually wiped his tear away, making it look as though he was rubbing his eyes to wake up. Despite not having noticed anything, Carth still looked sympathetically at him. "You must be really tired from all that sparring with Liah. Tell you what, why don't you go lie down for a bit… I'll take over. I can handle piloting for a few more hours. You need more rest than I do, I think."

Atton nodded, not wishing to talk lest his voice betray his distress. He got up and wordlessly left the cockpit. He had been trying his best to forget about that night. He had spent months drowning his sorrows in juma juice in an attempt to forget it. Yet there it was still staring him in the face after all this time.

In a daze, he walked through the main hold and, where he should have turned toward the port side dormitory, kept heading in the direction of the engine room instead. He walked past the medical room, deep in thought. Mical, who was by the door at the time, peered curiously at him as he walked past. "Aren't you supposed to be piloting, Atton?"

Atton shook his head violently, suddenly realizing where he was. "No, I… sent to bed…" he stammered. "I must've forgotten to turn down the corridor. Huh."

Mical's features showed signs of what could only be described as concern. "Atton, are you sure you're all right?"

Atton brushed him off. "Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Just fine. Just a bit tired I guess. Just need to rest a bit and…" He stopped mid-sentence and frowned. "You know, I just noticed something… I haven't seen you meditate since that first day I was on the ship. Seems to me you never did anything else before… I kept interrupting you. Is my timing getting better?"

Mical smiled thinly. "I think you may be giving yourself entirely too much credit, Atton."

Atton's eyes narrowed. "So I am right. You have been meditating less. How come the change?"

Mical shrugged, unconcerned. "I've had things on my mind. Besides, who are you to judge me? I've never seen you meditate!"

"Well… no! But that's the point… I never used to in the first place. Whereas you… you always used to do it. Even back in the day, you and Jena would always meditate together."

Mical flinched slightly at the sound of Jena's name. He sneered. "Yes, and I suppose you'd know a thing or two about that, now wouldn't you?" he implied sarcastically.

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Atton, frowning. Did he… see me? When I used to look at them?

"Nothing. Never mind," dismissed Mical. He forced a smile. "You should get some rest. You look… perturbed."

"Yeah… yeah, I should," agreed Atton. He turned around and made his way back to the corridor leading to his dorm. He walked in, closed the door behind him and glanced apprehensively at the bed. Not so sure about that… what if I have that dream again? He shivered. No, I can't go back to sleep… but I need to rest. I… He stopped and stared at the floor in front of him. Well, I suppose there's no harm in trying… it certainly seemed to work for Jena and Mical… Shrugging, he sat down on the floor and adopted the same position he had often seen the others assume when they were meditating. Let's see what that's all about… He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to reconnect himself to the Force. He breathed in and out a few times. He was already feeling a little more grounded, a little more at peace. Random images suddenly started rushing through his mind – some he recognized, others he didn't. This is weird… I hope I don't find myself thinking about that dream I had…The images started slowing down and he started recognizing more and more of them: being locked in the force cage on Peragus… locked in the force cage on Citadel Station… locked in the force cage in the Telos Jedi Academy… I'm starting to see a pattern forming here… Jena yelling at him for fighting with Mical… Himself pulling Jena toward him and kissing her… His heart started racing faster. It felt so real. The images continued to cycle on: Kreia telling him to stay away from Jena… Mira running toward the Ebon Hawk on Nar Shaddaa to tell them Jena had been kidnapped… Himself and Jena sitting by the brook on Dantooine, laughing… Jena, unconscious on the ground after her encounter with the Jedi Council… Jena crying in the port side dorm on Malachor… Jena… Jena… Jena!

The images suddenly slowed down and he found himself peering into the old apartment he had lived in on Telos. Pazaak cards were strewn everywhere and he lay next to Jena on the small bed, holding her in his arms. She was smiling and she looked like she was about to fall asleep. She suddenly opened her eyes, glanced up at him mischievously, and said, "Well one thing's for sure… you're never going to get rid of me. Not with that bond of ours."

Atton pretended to look crestfallen. "Dammit! There go my plans…"

She smiled and kissed him softly. "Shut up, pazaak boy! Or maybe I will hide from you!" she said teasingly.

"You think you can hide from me?" he replied smugly, arching his eyebrow and moving in even closer to her.

She smirked. "Oh, don't tempt me! There are ways, and I'm not afraid to use them!"

He caressed her cheek softly and gazed into her brown eyes. "Is that so?" he said, his hand moving up toward her hair. "Well, in that case, maybe I should remind you again why you shouldn't hide from me." He kissed her neck and slowly made his way to her lips. She chuckled gleefully as he rolled back on top of her.

The scene started getting blurry again and random images once again started rushing through Atton's mind. No… No! I was just getting to the good part! Come on! The images became less and less recognizable, until Atton found himself opening his eyes.

"Dammit!" he spat, frustrated. He got up, walked to his bed, and sat back down again, looking morose. What was the point of this? Why would I even be thinking about this? I mean, don't get me wrong… it was nice and all, but why…? He absent-mindedly dug into his pockets and fished out his pazaak deck. He pulled out the top card and just as he was about to start twirling it nervously between his fingers, glanced at it. His glance turned into a stare when he noticed which card he held. He had kept it in a separate pocket for months, until recently, when it had found its way to his deck. He studied the card closely for a few moments and smiled faintly.

Plus one, minus one…I'm currently minus one Jena, but there are always ways to flip the card and turn the minus into a plus. 'There are ways, and I'm not afraid to use them!' Is that what she's been doing? Hiding? Then… then if that's the case… She's still alive!

"I might want to tell Revan about this…" he muttered. "But why would Jena be hiding from me?"

Author's Notes: Thanks so much for all the reviews and the kind words I've been getting here and on the Obsidian Entertainment board! For those of you who may be concerned that I'll be giving up writing this story... well, that's just not going to happen. :P I've been very busy recently (life happens), but rest assured, I'm still working on this fic any chance I get. It's also taking a bit longer for me to post chapters, but then again, my chapters have been progressively getting longer. Much, MUCH longer. Anyway, please feel free to write reviews or drop me an email... I love hearing what people think about my story so far!

Edit June 9: It has been brought to my attention that apparently juma juice is a non-alcoholic beverage! Who knew? Apparently not many people did, as in over 160 pages of fic, this is the first time this was mentioned to me. :P This seems to be a common error, as I have seen juma juice referred to as alcoholic in many, many fics I've read. Oh well, no matter... I will correct any future chapters, and when I have time (whenever that may be), I'll go back and correct the previous chapters. (thank you "Jedi Revan Onasi" for mentioning this to me... and no, Atton's not that much of a cheap drunk that he'd get wasted on non-alcoholic drinks. hehehe ) Fortunately, I was planning on having him drink something other than juma the next time he got drunk, so it's all good. ;)

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