Chapter 3

It was wrong. What had she done? There would be no way for carefully getting to know him and later on telling him who she was. Severus had fallen in love with her; he would never have told her about his past otherwise. That was obvious and she, yes, she had fallen in love with him, too. There was no use lying to herself. Though he had only kissed her, she had felt a passion and fire in her heart and in her whole body. She had been kissed before; it had been nice, but nothing mind-blowing. This had been completely different. It was lunacy! From the beginning everything had gone wrong. She had been overwhelmed by the feelings he had created in her. She had pushed away any clear thought, any rationality to indulge selfishly in these feelings. She should have walked away. She had to leave his life before more damage would be done. She had to end this; she would write a last letter to him.

Dear Severus!
Yes, I know your name. I know who you are. We have met, that is all I can say, and this will be my last letter -- we can never meet again. I know what you will think, but you are wrong. I do not leave because of your past, I leave because I know you will never forgive me that I have deceived you. I should have left when I recognised you in the restaurant. I expected you would sneer at me as usual, and then you turned out to be the Demetrius I knew from our letters. I felt drawn to you and I began to like the way you looked at me. I liked your voice and your touch. I fell in love with you. When you told me about your past you were honest, and I had lied. It tears me apart to leave you, and I cannot bear the thought of seeing you and knowing I have lost you, but there is no other way. I have never loved before, but I am certain that you would never like me, least of all love me. I can only hope that you may forgive me one day. I never meant to hurt you. A part of me remains with you. I will never forget you.

Hermione could not continue the letter; it hurt too much. Tears welled from her eyes, leaving spots on the paper. Without rereading it, she called an owl and bound the letter to its leg. As soon as the owl had spread its wings and left, Hermione noticed that she had made a traitorous mistake.

Severus sat motionless. When the owl had arrived, he had been sure that this would be about their next appointment. Only the first sentences sank in, and he realised that she had left his life for good. In blind fury, he crumpled the letter in his fist and hurled it against the wall. Did you really think that fate would be good to you once in your life? She has lied to you. She is superficial like all the other women. And you thought she had fallen in love with you.You have made a fool out of yourself, Severus Snape. She has mocked you. If he only knew who she was, he would tell her! But the only things he knew about her were that she was twenty years old and the most intelligent woman he had ever met, yes, intelligent but obviously not willing to welcome a former Death Eater in her life. He would never be able to find her unless... He grabbed the crumpled letter and read it again.

Severus Snape narrowed his eyes. She had made a mistake! There, in her letter ...sneer at me as usual.' They had not only met, they had met regularly. Why had he not thought of it before? His intellect had been clouded by his feelings. She was twenty years old and if she had not attended a foreign school, she must have been at Hogwarts, she must have been his student. Of course, it was not only a matter of superficiality! She had recognised him at the restaurant and had taken the opportunity to get back at her former Potions master. He knew that the students hated him, not that he cared. She had deliberately seduced him, had put on an act to make him believe she had fallen in love with him. She must have found it very amusing when he had told her about his past. Severus Snape reduced to a hormonal teenager! And he had even thought he had found his soul mate. Now she had got cold feet and had written a letter to embellish it. Anger and hatred welled up, his lips curled sneeringly. He would find out who she was and make sure as hell she would pay.

Which of his former students could...all of them had been dunderheads...except...Severus froze. That was not possible! He read the letter again – there! '... seeing you and knowing I have lost you.' She was still at Hogwarts. And there was only one of his former students who was still at Hogwarts - Hermione Granger!

He knew next to nothing about her. She had always been a loner, and she had the highest N.E.W.T.s the school had ever seen, higher than his own. He knew that she had not participated in the foolish games the other girls of her age played; he had never heard her giggling. The only thing he was sure about was that Hermione Granger would never fall in love with him. How could she? She had experienced his behaviour first hand for seven years. It was simply not possible. Hermione Granger had reason to believe he disliked her. She had been a member of the Golden Trio and he had extended his dislike of glorious Potter to dumb Mr. Weasley and know-it-all Granger.

Then again, she had always been polite and respectful. He knew that she had defended him several times when her friends and other members of the Order had said that he could not been trusted. Even after Albus' faked death, she had stated that there had to be more than the obvious and had refused to condemn him. He had never considered her character anything but blunt and honest, too blunt, the Gryffindors lacked subtlety.

She had not known his identity until they had met in Cornwall. That would explain her surprised expression at the restaurant. But why had she continued the charade? She was not the kind of woman to get revenge on him that way. He blinked. Could it really...? Had she written the truth? His hands trembled when he read the letter time and again, and he remembered her eyes and her kisses. No, she had not lied to him.

But if his Catherine were in fact Hermione Granger, would he want her? Boy, you are biased! You wanted her before! You hoped not to be judged by your looks and your past, and here you consider pushing away the only woman you have feelings for because of some stupid prejudices that haunt you from your past. He would make certain whether his suspicion was correct and if it were so, he would not let her go.

At the usual staff meeting, he took a chair opposite to her seat and watched her carefully through his curtain of black hair. Years as a spy had trained him well, and he made sure she would not notice. He put a scowl on his face and pretended to be deep in his thoughts. She had not looked at him when he had entered, but when she thought he did not notice she looked at him with red-rimmed eyes; it was only a short glance and she looked away quickly, but he had seen her eyes, had seen the regret and the longing. It was her, Hermione Granger was his Catherine. Still, he did not understand how she have could have fallen in love with him.

When he was back in the silence of his dungeons, he contemplated what to do. How would she react if he confronted her? Would she simply try to deny it, would she even give up her apprenticeship just to avoid seeing him again? That would be possible; she had said she did not expect him to like her and he could clearly see why. He had been cruel, he had been mean, there was no way to palliate it. Flashes of the past came to his mind 'Do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all... I see no difference.' Severus Snape knew he was not a nice man. Part of it had been an act to deceive Voldemort and the other Death Eaters, but part of this had been him. It still was him. He was someone driven by prejudices; he had really enjoyed the hexes Draco Malfoy had thrown at Potter in the Dueling Club in second year. He had enjoyed every detention and every failing grade he could give Potter, and he had handled Hermione in an unfair manner, simply because she was Potter's friend. When she had become Minerva's apprentice, he had been civil in his usual way meaning that he barely talked to her; well, he barely talked to anybody. Now he should confess his love to her? She would not believe him; instead she would probably believe that she was being mocked.

There was no way for a direct approach. He would not lie to himself, he wanted her and he would have her. She had evoked feelings he had buried for twenty years, since Lily's death. He would have to find a way; he was Slytherin, for Merlin's sake. Fortunately, she would have to work with him for her training as an Auror in two weeks. He would await his time and try to gain her trust.

Hermione felt relieved. Obviously, he had not noticed her mistake; probably he had burnt the letter immediately, too angry or offended. What would she have done if he had found out? He would have insulted her. It had always been obvious how he loathed Harry Potter and that loathing carried over to Harry's friends. It had not been his offer to complete her training as an Auror. It had been Minerva who had convinced or rather talked him – he had said once it had very nearly been blackmail – into teaching her. He would have made her life living hell if he had found out that she had been Catherine. She could have explained if she had ended the pen-friendship after the first encounter, but how would she have been able to explain what had followed?

She had seen the scowl on his face, and the tension that had been around him all the years was back. She should be glad that she had not had much contact with Severus Snape before; it would have hurt too much to talk to him as if nothing had happened. She would try not to think of what could have been. She would try to forget his tender voice and his kiss. That would be difficult as part of her training as an Auror included Potions, and that part of the training was two weeks away. She considered leaving Hogwarts, but also knew that it would be nearly impossible to get a new apprenticeship. She would be asked why she had left and could give no explanation. Perhaps, she tried to convince herself, since Severus Snape was a very distant person, they could work together without talking very much, perhaps that would do.

Sleep eluded her. Dreamless Draught was no solution; it was addictive. Every morning when she sat at the breakfast table in the Great Hall, she felt the stinging pain in her head and knew the headache would increase during the day. She did not feel hungry either and only pushed the food around her plate.

Whenever they met accidentally, she tried to escape as soon as possible and to avoid Severus' gaze. Don't look at him, just don't look at him. You have known this man for years; you know all his sneering, his scathing remarks and his pettiness, why can't you just go back? You have to try; you have to move on. Only a short time and you will never see him again! Yes, you will concentrate on your work. Merlin, what if he gets suspicious!

This morning, her training with Severus Snape would begin. Again, she noticed the dark circles under her eyes and tried to put on a smile. Just try once more, you have to convince people that everything is okay. Yes, that's much better. Not that Severus Snape would probably notice. He had never really looked at her and for now, she was nearly relieved that he had not.

Nevertheless, she had to be careful. He was a skilled Legilimens. When Hermione entered the lab, she saw the usual expression on his face. They worked together silently, but sometimes she had the feeling that he was watching her. When Hermione finished her first potion and showed it to Snape, he arched an eyebrow and smirked.

"Well, that is acceptable, Miss Granger, maybe you won't end up a complete failure."

That was as close to a compliment as she had ever heard from Snape. When she glanced up, she noticed that Severus Snape was looking directly into her face. His expression did not betray any emotions though he was not wearing his usual scowl or customary dourness. He did not say anything else which puzzled Hermione when she left that evening.

The next day Hermione could no longer pretend not to notice the difference. He was as quiet as usual, but made no scathing remarks about her work or ignored her. What is wrong? Has he noticed something? Has he seen how I look at him? Not paying attention to her surroundings, she nearly pulled away, when she felt his breath at her ear and heard his silky voice.

"Are you finished, Miss Granger?" She looked up to his face and saw a tiny smile on his lips. He knows!

"You know?" she whispered and paled. He did not say anything, only met her gaze. "You know," she repeated and fled from the lab.