Who should be Buffy's new love interest(s)?
Harry Potter 21
Draco Malfoy 18
Oliver Wood 4
Severus Snape 4
Charlie Weasley 4
Sirius Black 4
Fred/George Weasley 3
Remus Lupin 1
Hermione Granger 1
Luna Lovegood 1
Should Draco Malfoy be redeemed in this story?
Yes 7
No 4
Not sure 3
Kudos to Shawn for stepping up on the beta-ing! Thank you for making this update possible!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Be Glad Your Nose is on Your Face
Be glad your nose is on your face,
not pasted on some other place,
for if it were where it is not,
you might dislike your nose a lot.
Imagine if your precious nose
were sandwiched in between your toes,
that clearly would not be a treat,
for you'd be forced to smell your feet.
Your nose would be a source of dread
were it attached atop your head,
it soon would drive you to despair,
forever tickled by your hair.
Within your ear, your nose would be
an absolute catastrophe,
for when you were obliged to sneeze,
your brain would rattle from the breeze.
Your nose, instead, through thick and thin,
remains between your eyes and chin,
not pasted on some other place—
be glad your nose is on your face!
Jack Prelutsky
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
-
18. Hogs Meet
-
"Come again?" Buffy blinked in confusion.
"Er," Harry said, feeling himself grow predictably red in the face.
Oh Merlin, it was the fiasco before the Yule Ball with Cho all over again. Suddenly, Harry wished the floor would open up like the stairs sometimes did and swallow him up just so he wouldn't have to face the rejection that he surely knew was coming. Eliza was obviously way out of his league. She was too pretty, too unattainable, too perfect. What was I even thinking? Hey, wait a minute, she's blonde! Maybe she's part Veela like Phlegm? He had been painfully aware of all the barely-concealed, covetous looks the petite blonde garnered from the Hogwarts male student population every time she had made an appearance in the school. Ron had positively drooled the first time the fellow Gryffindor set eyes on the elusive, American witch. Oh shite! Eliza's lips were moving.
"Harry?" she asked again, appearing puzzled as she watched the black-haired Gryffindor struggling to refocus on their conversation. "What were you saying?"
"Oh, er," Harry stalled, swallowing hard. His supper was now eagerly clambering to revisit his esophagus. "Do you want to come to Hogsmeade with us tomorrow, since it sounds like you've never been there before," he managed to get out with more coherence than he had thought possible.
Buffy pulled a face. "I don't know—I'm pretty sure that I'm not Hermione's favorite person right now."
"Oh." Harry's face fell. Well, as far as rejections go, that could have been a whole lot worse, he tried to console himself. "That's too bad. I'm sure Fred and George would have enjoyed meeting you though. They're the owners of the new joke shop there," he said as an afterthought.
Eliza instantly perked up. "Fred and George Weasley?"
"Er, yeah?" he answered uncertainly.
All of a sudden, Eliza grinned widely. "Maybe I'll have to go after all. Gred and Forge do still owe me ten drinks!"
Harry was having a hard time keeping up with the rapid developments. "Wait a second, you know Gred and Forge—I mean Fred and George?" he asked incredulously.
"Oh yeah! Dumbledore introduced us," Buffy nodded, her hazel eyes gleaming as she wondered about what kinds of neat alcoholic beverages the wizarding world had to offer. If butterbeer was any indication, then she was definitely going to get a kick out of it. "So, when's this Hogs Meet trip going down?"
Harry blinked dumbly, responding belatedly when his brain finally registered her question. "Right after breakfast, we leave from the main castle gate."
"Awesome. I guess I'll see you around in Hogs Meet then." Buffy smiled again and walked away.
Harry stood stupidly in her wake as his flustered mind tried to make sense of the situation. Well, the good thing was that Eliza hadn't seemed to realize he had been asking her out on a date. And the bad thing was—she was apparently interested in Ron's older, wittier, and altogether more charming twin brothers. Harry ran a hand slowly down his face in dejection. He was pretty sure he would have wanted to wring out Fred and George's necks in that exact instant if he hadn't liked the redheaded prankster duo so much. Still, that didn't stop the black-haired Gryffindor from wishing on them both a very painful, ugly death for a second or two.
Blithering, sneaky, underhanded, girl-stealing bastards!
-
Buffy grinned up at the Transfiguration professor, "Heard there was a field trip today. Didn't wanna miss out on all the wacky fun and excitement."
"Albus has never shown you around the wizarding village of Hogsmeade?"
"Nope. Only Diagonally."
"Diagon Alley," the stern witch correctly out of habit. The Transfiguration professor considered the girl very fortunate then that she did not have to travel anywhere by the Floo Network, or Merlin knows where Eliza would end up! Peering sternly through her square glasses at the blonde, McGonagall said, "Well, I would have informed you of this excursion myself had you had the good grace to attend any of my classes past the first week of school."
Buffy ducked her head guiltily. "Oh, that. I'm sorry, Minnie. To be honest, I haven't been around the castle all that much."
The Gryffindor Head of House paused to examine the petite blonde closely. In actuality, she was less put off by the veteran Slayer's lack of classroom attendance than she intimated, but more than a little concerned. With each passing day of Eliza's unexplained absence, Minerva had felt more unease drift into her heart. Somewhere in the back of the Transfiguration professor's highly rational mind, she knew that it was ludicrous to worry for the safety and wellbeing of the Headmaster's guest. But she still was—worried. Looking down at the tiny girl, Minerva couldn't help but have trouble believing that this was indeed the longest living Vampire Slayer in recorded history when Eliza Ashbery appeared so unassumingly small and fragile in person. Breakable. Shaking her head imperceptibly, Minerva decided that life was not without its sense of irony.
"So I've heard. How are you, Eliza?" the Transfiguration professor inquired with a sigh. What she had really desired to ask went beyond the simple scope of the question, but Minerva wasn't entirely sure their budding friendship had progressed to that level of openness just yet.
"Getting better," the blonde Slayer replied a little too quickly to escape the professor's attention. Then, realizing just how much her answer had resembled a platitude, Buffy added, "A little." She frowned, still dissatisfied with that last assessment. Chewing on her bottom lip in thought, the petite blonde finally related, "It's still a work in progress, but you don't have to worry about my de-petaling the wildflowers anymore."
"I'm glad to hear that," Minerva remarked earnestly as Argus Filch snuck up behind her, sizing up the young blonde.
"Another victim for the slaughter, eh? Well, aren't you a pretty little thing? The pretty ones always did scream the loudest," Filch intoned nastily while blandishing his Secrecy Sensor in Buffy's face, a sadistic glint of nostalgia flaring up in his lamp-like eyes.
The Transfiguration professor turned swiftly to face the cantankerous Caretaker before the blonde Slayer could respond with a no doubt scathing reply. "No, Argus. That won't be necessary," she answered in a tight-lipped manner, gesturing to his Secrecy Sensor. "I shall accompany this young lady to Hogsmeade personally." Tugging away a rapidly bristling Buffy by the arm, she hastily led the retreat toward the main Hogwarts gates where a Thestral-drawn carriage sat waiting. "Good day, Argus," Minerva called politely over her shoulder.
"Thanks, Minnie," Buffy said once they were safely out of hearing range of the resident Hogwarts Caretaker. "I was about to lay the smack down on his skinny, shriveled ass just then," she professed as she climbed into the carriage after the tartan-hatted witch.
"I very much doubt that Albus would approve of such an abuse of your power," Minerva replied stiffly as she took a seat, although an amused smile flickered across her face for a split-second.
Buffy shrugged lightly as she settled next to the witch. "I'm just saying—" she trailed off as a newcomer joined them, situating himself on the opposite bench in the carriage. Her face soured immediately. "Oh. It's you."
The tall, thin wizard with sallow skin, long hooked nose, and greasy, shoulder-length hair sneered at her in response. "My, what a talent you have for stating the obvious, Ms. Ashbery," he drawled in a smooth, demeaning voice, his black eyes burning cold as they stared at the petite blonde as if she were nothing better than a nettlesome bug in need of a good squashing.
"Gee, thanks! It's nice to see that you've stayed as well-greased as ever, Professor Severe Snake," Buffy returned in a voice that sounded uncannily like the Buffybot's as the Thestral began to pull them toward the wizarding village on its own accord.
"That's Professor Severus Snape, you cheeky little chit," he scowled, narrowing his cold, black eyes menacingly. Just because the Headmaster and the rest of the Hogwarts staff seemed to have had the wool pulled over their eyes by the mysterious girl's thrall didn't mean he was about to fall in line. "Minerva, what is this vapid, Yank trollop doing here?" he demanded.
The Transfiguration professor looked increasingly aggravated. "Eliza is here on my invitation. Would you believe that the girl has never been to Hogsmeade before?" she said, attempting to steer the conversation away from their foul starting point.
"Shocking," Snape drawled. "But then again, one should never expect too much from an expatriate of such an uncouth culture."
And the hits just keep on coming. Is today 'insult Buffy day' or something? "Right. And yours is just the pinnacle of civilization, what with all the hidden oppression and bigotry-driven war," she retorted astutely.
The Potions Master's scowl deepened as the long, tapered fingers on his right hand clenched and unclenched convulsively. A vein all of a sudden became a very prominent fixture on his left temple as Buffy simply crossed her arms over her chest and arched a golden brow in subtle challenge. For a tense instant, Minerva was afraid Severus would whip out his wand and try to hex the blonde Slayer as the Transfiguration professor observed the angry whirl of emotions swirling in his pale visage.
"SEVERUS! ELIZA! Calm yourselves! You're behaving like a pair of insolent children. I expected more sense from you two than to get into an outright brawl during a five-minute carriage ride! Now, kindly desist from this abysmal foolishness at once," said Professor McGonagall, breathing heavily through her long pointed nose, her square spectacles flashing dangerously.
Buffy felt a sudden need to rub her throbbing eardrums as the stern witch finished her rather loud reproach, but refrained from acting out that impulse on account of seeing Minerva's nostrils flare. Casting a furtive glance toward the Potions professor, the small blonde saw that he was now scowling unobtrusively at her, as though attempting to peel her apart at the seams with his caustic glare. Resisting the urge to snort at the very idea of being intimidated by a measly evil eye, the blonde Slayer sighed and turned away to stare at the throng of Hogwarts students traversing on foot along the paved road. Four extremely long minutes later, their carriage had arrived at its destination.
"If you'll excuse me, I've some errands to see to," Snape announced gruffly. Without so much as a glance at either Minerva or Buffy, he stalked off with his cloak billowing as soon as the Thestral cantered to a stop.
Professor McGonagall shot Buffy a disapproving look, her mouth pressed into a thin line, as she got off the carriage. Heaving another sigh, the blonde Slayer hopped out after the Deputy Headmistress and into the rustic cobblestone street running through the center of Hogsmeade.
"So, where would you like to go first?" Minerva inquired, a hint of exasperation still lingering in her voice.
"Um, how about a tour and then Fred and George's joke shop," Buffy answered, trying to appear properly chastised and failing miserably in her attempt.
At the odd expression on the girl's face, Professor McGonagall's chilly demeanor dissolved. A tiny smile spread across her face before she quickly composed herself. "I must confess that it was rather amusing to see Severus so riled. He's usually such a source of terror for the students, especially the underclassmen—and Mr. Longbottom, the poor boy."
Buffy grinned in relief. "Maybe that's because Sir Sneer A Lot could easily pass for a member of the undead, bumpy forehead society," she quipped dryly, threading an arm through the older witch's as they set off at a leisurely pace down the street.
Professor McGonagall tactfully chose to ignore the crack on the Potions Master's distinctive appearance. "That's Madam Rosmerta's The Three Broomsticks, a respectable pub that serves fantastic butterbeer as well an assortment of drinks depending on your fancy," she pointed to the inviting-looking two-story cottage to their right. "Perhaps we'll pop by there for lunch."
"On that hill is the Shrieking Shack. It's widely-reputed to be haunted, but in actuality is merely someplace Albus created for Remus to stay during his monthly transformations when he was a student at Hogwarts."
"Wow, that's really nice of Dumbledore," Buffy remarked, feeling her respect for the Headmaster grow exponentially at the revelation.
"Indeed," Professor McGonagall affirmed with pride.
They passed by several thatches on the left side of the road before Minerva spoke again. "The large building on the right is the post office. It houses at least three hundred owls that carry messages at different speeds. And on our left is Honeydukes Sweetshop. It's quite a popular spot for the children as they sell a wide variety of sweets as well as homemade fudge and chocolate."
"Okay, definitely have to stop by there later," Buffy cooed eagerly, hazel eyes glazing over slightly as her mind was assaulted with drool-worthy scenes from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory.
"And here we are at the new branch of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes. I daresay Argus probably fantasizes about tearing the place apart brick by brick," Minerva said with a smile in her voice.
Buffy halted in her tracks as the twins' joke shop came into her field of vision. The blonde Slayer sincerely thanked her lucky stars that she wasn't an epileptic, or she would have suffered an episode right then and there. Contrary to the quaint, subdued storefronts of the neighboring buildings, the two large display windows of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes flashed and blazed like twin technicolor beacons. The left-hand window was filled with an array of dazzling products that made Buffy dizzy just by looking at them. A giant, neon blue poster emblazoned with flashing orange letters covered the entire expanse of the right-hand window. She hastily scanned it and burst out laughing. Man, I wish I'd known those two five years ago! They would've done wonders for my post post-mortem depression, she thought, shaking her head in wry amusement. Minerva took a closer look at the advertisement and just barely bit back her own ensuing chuckle.
BEWARE THE DEATH BEATERS!
Worrying your head over Death Eater attacks?
You SHOULD beware of DEATH BEATER attacks!
These unassuming, little, black cloaks are knocking
over the nation by storm! Literally!
Buffy sent McGonagall a side-long glance. "You wanna take a rain check on the rest of the tour and go in there now?"
It didn't look like the professor had needed much convincing as the blonde Slayer led the charge arm-in-arm into the shop. The place was bustling with customers. Gaggles of eager-looking Hogwarts students swarmed around the colorful, alphabetized shelf displays and product stands that were stacked with boxes up to the ceiling. Buffy stared around in wonder as she felt the Transfiguration professor steer them together towards a slightly less crowded area where they could get near enough to actually see the merchandise labels and descriptions. The blonde Slayer scanned the product names on boxes of sundry sizes as they squeezed through to the shelf designated 'T is for Teasing'.
'Tapdancing Tootsies'
'Telltale Ticklers'
'Tongue-twisting Truffles: Individual and Variety Packs'
'Torrential Topical Thunderstorms'
'Traipsing Trunksters'
Minerva picked up a box of 'Tongue-twisting Truffles: Ultimate Variety Pack' priced at fifteen Galleons and turned it over to read the product information on the back.
"'Apple Polisher: Brings out the sniveling sycophant in any Dick or Jane!
Fancy Foreigner: Impress the witch or wizard of your dreams!
(Accents come in French, Spanish, Italian, German, Australian,
American, Cockney, Irish, Scottish, Mermish, Troll)'"
The stern witch let out an uncharacteristic snort at the last item on the list.
"'Potty Mouth: Turns every dull, ordinary sentence into a witty insult!
Smarty Pants: Transforms any thick-headed git into a smooth operator!
Tone-deaf Toner: Guaranteed to replace ear-hemorrhaging with dulcet melody!
(Results last up to twenty-four hours depending on the individual).'"
Minerva gingerly replaced the box to its shelf with a small smile that bespoke of fondness. "As much as it pains me to say this: that's quite extraordinary magic!"
Just as Buffy picked up a box of Traipsing Trunksters, a familiar voice sounded from behind them.
"Well, bless my heart, it's Professor McGonagall!"
Turning around, the pair found a beaming stocky, redhead standing before them, clad in a set of vibrant magenta robes that had the effect of making his hair look ablaze. Pinned on his right lapel was a rectangular nametag that flashed in glittering green letters: George Weasley—at your disservice!
His twin soon trotted over as well. "Never thought I'd live to see the day when our old Head of House would be mingling with the little folk," Fred grinned, throwing a hand over his heart in feigned astonishment.
"Fred, I think I heard her say something about us and extraordinary, too!" George shared in a stage whisper, looking mightily pleased with himself.
George proceeded to mime wiping away a tear from his cheek. "Blimey, a feel a sniffle coming on."
Professor McGonagall gave them both a piercing look, but Buffy was sure that she had almost smiled. In any case, her mouth appeared less thin for a moment.
"So, what brings you two lovely ladies here this fine morning?" Fred inquired, sneaking an arm around Buffy's narrow shoulders.
"Not much, really," Buffy shrugged, she couldn't help but grin along.
"You can have that on the house," George said to Buffy with a winning smile.
The blonde swiftly glanced down at the small box still held in her hands, she had forgotten it was even there. "Oh, I was just curious about what it does." Unobtrusively, she moved to place it back on its shelf, not wanting the twins to accidentally discover that she was immune to wand magicks.
"Well, I think a demonstration is in order, don't you George!"
"Right-o, Fred!" George intercepted the box, flipping open the lid and popping a bright green-colored candy into his mouth.
Buffy and Professor McGonagall watched the redheaded young wizard curiously for several seconds, but nothing seemed to be happening. Just then, George's nose gave a slight wriggle, then a jerk, and then to the blonde Slayer and Transfiguration Professor's complete surprise lurched suddenly away from the center of his face to drift over to his left cheek. Buffy's mouth fell slightly ajar as George's nose wandered up to his forehead. Without warning, the petite blonde erupted into an uproarious fit of giggles, loud enough to attract several passerbys' attention. George's grin grew wider at her response, before shouting to the crowd, "Traipsing Trunksters, eight Sickles for a five-pack! A bargain!" Closing the lid on the package, he handed it to a still giggling Buffy, his wide grin somewhat ruined by his nomadic nose. She graciously accepted the free merchandise, unable to keep a straight face as she mumbled her thanks.
Fred beamed down at the petite Slayer, giving her shoulder a playful squeeze. "Anything else we can do for you? A Pygmy Puff? Patented Daydream Charm? Love potion?"
Buffy pulled a face at the last enumerated item. The last time someone brewed up a love potion, she had been oh-so-conveniently turned into a rat after almost having her wicked way with Xander, of all people. Well, at least it wasn't Giles or Principal Snyder, she thought with a mental shudder. Shaking away those best-left-forgotten memories, she replied, "Actually, I wanted to collect on those drinks you guys promised me."
George began grinning in enthusiasm when his shoulders suddenly slumped. "Bugger. Claudia's taken the day off and we're swamped with all the kiddies today," he muttered with disappointment etched clearly in his face.
"How about this?" Fred began, "We'll be at the Diagon Alley branch all next week. Just pop by then and we'll go get properly smashed at the Leaky Cauldron."
"That's brill, Fred!" George shouted, looking chuffed to bits again. "We get off work at nine."
Buffy grinned. "Sounds like a plan."
Before the twins could say anything else, a small, wide-eyed boy tugged on George's elbow. "Excuse me sirs, are your Muggle magic trick cards real magic?" he asked in a squeaky voice.
A red brow rose incredulously on Fred's face. The young wizard looked about ready to take the mickey out of the titchy boy before he sighed helplessly, "Sorry, Eliza. Duty calls."
Reluctantly, Fred withdrew his arm from around Buffy's shoulder and made off with his twin to assist the customer.
"Help yourselves to anything you want, ladies," George called over his shoulder, "Free of charge!"
"And if you don't visit us, we'll cry!" Fred added with a pout and puppy eyes.
Professor McGonagall, who had remained silent during the entire exchange, quirked an eyebrow at the petite blonde. "It looks like you've just made two more conquests of the male species, Eliza," she intoned with a hint of a smile pulling at her lips.
Buffy rolled her eyes at that. Threading an arm through the Transfiguration Professor's again, she said, "Come on, let's check out the rest of Hogs Meet before we get stampeded by all the students."
"Hogsmeade, if you please."
Buffy wrinkled her nose in disgust as she peered down at a bowl of Cockroach Clusters on display. Apparently, they were made with real cockroaches in them. The Slayer shifted the half dozen or so bags of recently purchased goodies into one hand as she popped another sherbet lemon into her mouth. Glancing around Honeydukes Sweetshop idly, a strange, moving, miniature creature with the head of a man, body of a lion, and tail of a scorpion caught her eye. The petite blonde moved off to take a closer gander at the wee beast that was guarding a pot of gold-foil wrapped chocolate Galleons inside a glass display case.
"That's a Manticore, you know," a calm voice intoned.
The blonde Slayer whipped her head around to see a round-faced brunette teenage boy holding hands with a girl with straggly, dirty blonde, waist-length hair standing beside her.
"I thought they were supposed to have wings, too." Buffy said, recalling a snatch of picture she had seen in one of Giles's musty monster books.
"They used to," confirmed the girl in a dignified, serene voice. "But their wings rotted off from an epidemic of Tuberculosis that spread through the Manticore prides during the late seventeenth century. My father wrote an article on it in The Quibbler last year."
"Huh..." Buffy trailed off uncertainly, not knowing how exactly to respond to that little tidbit of information.
The teenage boy with slightly large front teeth seemed to share in this opinion as he discreetly looked at the girl askance for a second. "You're Eliza Ashbery, right?" he asked with a smile, breaking the awkward silence. "I'm Neville Longbottom."
"And my name is Luna Lovegood," added the young witch as she studied the small Slayer with dreamy, pale, protuberant eyes.
The veteran Slayer returned the smile as she secretly thanked her mother and father for deciding to go with 'Buffy', all things considered. After all, 'Buffy Summers' could almost pass for normal next to 'Luna Lovegood' and 'Neville Longbottom'. "Hi—"
The gingerbread grandfather clock next to the store entrance chimed.
Quickly checking her wristwatch, Buffy shot an apologetic look at the odd couple. "I gotta go catch my ride, but it was great meeting you guys."
"Oh, wait!" Neville called after her, causing the Slayer to stall her step. "I thought you might want to know that Harry was looking for you earlier."
"Okay, thanks," Buffy replied distractedly as she made for the door.
By the time the Buffy climbed into the Thestral-drawn carriage, arms laden with the day's assorted purchases after she and Minnie had gone their separate ways after a delectable lunch at The Three Broomsticks, Professors McGonagall and Snape were already seated and engaged in a discussion about something or the other—the veteran Slayer didn't particularly care to listen in at the moment. Instead, Buffy sat back and watched the scenery fly by as the reddening sun began to dip below the far horizon at a lethargic pace. A rare effervescence settled in the petite blonde's heart as she couldn't help but conclude that today was best day she had had in longer than she could remember—so much that even a crack about her deplorable Valley Girl spending habits from the snarky Potions Master failed to dampen the Slayer's spirits on their way back to the castle. Taking out an Acid Pop from one of the Honeydukes shopping bags, Buffy sucked on the tangily tart candy, replete. In the transitory instant before dusk descended upon her world, she felt like she was young again.