Chapter 12 – Sweet Jaq Rand

By the time Atton came out of hiding, he had managed to compose himself—which was a good thing, he reflected, as his piloting duty would be starting shortly. He slowly sat up on his bed, rubbed his hands down his face, exhaled deeply, closed his eyes for a moment, opened them back up, and sported a fake smile. He got up and his hand mechanically reached for his lightsaber hilt, as it did every time he got up to ensure his weapon was still there. It wasn't. He pursed his lips, determined he would not go back to the cargo hold, for fear he would run into Revan or Mical and have to explain what had happened. He could always get it back later. He wasn't fond of the idea of facing Mical in particular… Mical, who appeared to have lost control just as much as he had. My fault, really… He unlocked the door and left the dorm, feeling uncomfortably vulnerable, as it was the first time since Bao-Dur had helped him build his lightsaber that he had gone anywhere without it. Flashing his pretend smile again, he briskly walked down the corridor toward the cockpit.

"All right, kids, time for uncle Atton to take over the controls!" he announced in an exaggeratingly bright voice as he walked into room. He paused and realized he had interrupted a very intense game of pazaak between Mira and Dustil. You'd think they could come up with better things to do with their time if they're going to be alone together in the cockpit. I mean I love pazaak and all, but if I was in their place… He paused thoughtfully, scratching the three-day old stubble on his unshaven chin. A year and a half… It's been a year and a half. No, wait, it might even be longer… How long have we been gone? I can never tell with space travel. He stifled a groan.

"It's all right, Atton," Mira said, responding to his comment, and never taking her eyes off her side deck. She slapped a card down and grinned victoriously at Dustil. "Your shift's not due to start for a little bit still. Besides, aren't you still hungover? Don't you want to rest more? We're okay to baby-sit the cockpit for a little while longer…"

Atton shrugged, trying to conceal the fact that he desperately yearned to be in his seat, alone with his thoughts. "Yeah, well, I'm all slept out and I could use the distraction. Go on! get out of here. Go to bed, or…" He looked significantly at Mira, then at Dustil. "Or something." They both sighed and got up regretfully, gathering up their cards. Dustil pocketed his deck and walked toward the door. Atton grabbed Mira by the arm as she walked past. "Hey," he muttered so Dustil wouldn't hear him. "Why are you kids complaining? You've got the room to yourselves… Haven't you ever heard of Nar Shaddaa rules?" Mira chortled, smacked Atton upside the head, and walked away. "Just stay off my bed, all right?" he added a little louder.

They disappeared out of sight and Atton's smile faded. Alone at last. He sat dejectedly down into the pilot's seat, absent-mindedly shuffling his pazaak cards as his thoughts wandered over to Jena. She was there. I know she was there… He frowned. Is it because she knew I was losing control of my emotions? Or maybe my memory's playing tricks on me and I'm just starting to go crazy—guilt-induced space dementia or something. I need to get off this ship. I've been cooped up in here for way too long. No wonder Mical and I can't stand each other anymore. Come to think of it, I'm not so sure it's a good thing for me to be alone with my thoughts…They're not exactly pleasant these days. I'll just focus on something else. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his deck. When in doubt… He dealt his cards. After a few hands, apathy set in. His thoughts started to wander again. Did I really see her? Could she sense what I was feeling? Why wasn't I able to sense her before… or since? He quickly shook his head. No, I can't think about this right now. There's no point. It'll just make me crazy. I have to do something else. He gathered up his pazaak cards and, smiling sheepishly, dealt a hand of cards for himself and for an invisible opponent.

"Well, I can't sense you, but apparently you might be able to sense me," he muttered. "And I did say you could be right here with me playing pazaak…" He played his turn. Ten plus six is sixteen… He glanced down at his side deck. He had a plus four, minus four card. He grinned. Too easy. "Your turn, Jens," he said out loud, smirking at himself. He admitted that while he felt silly, he somehow felt a bit better. He played Jena's turn. Seven plus five is twelve… "I hope you've got yourself some good cards in your side deck, because you're about to get screwed. You'll have to do a lot better than that if you want to beat me." He put down his card. "Twenty. And don't even try to distract me at any time. You're hot, babe, but you're not that hot." Yes, she is. Stop lying to yourself. He laughed, and his laughter echoed in the empty room. He froze and broke his smile. He became aware of how alone he really was. He threw the rest of his cards down in disgust. "Jena, were you there?" he muttered. "And… and… why did you just vanish again? I mean…" His impassioned tone grew louder and more desperate. "Don't you think this has gone on long enough? Where are you?" He ran his fingers through his hair impatiently, clutched a fistful and suddenly let go as he gesticulated. "Dammit, Jens, I love you! Where the hell are you hiding?"

The floor creaked, and he suddenly became aware of the presence behind him and wondered why he didn't notice it before. He turned around quickly. Revan silently stood, propped up against the doorframe, staring at him. Her soft, blue sympathetic gaze made Atton realize she had heard everything. "How long have you been standing there, Rev?" he somberly asked, knowing he would likely hate the answer, whatever it was.

"Long enough…" she said, pushing her weight off the doorframe and walking into the room. She was holding his lightsaber in her hand. With a glare, Atton snatched it from her and hooked it back on to his belt.

"Long enough for me to be mildly embarrassed over you hearing the last comment I made, or long enough for me to be thoroughly humiliated over you catching me pretending to be playing pazaak with my…" My what, exactly? "My… well, Jena, anyway, whom I haven't seen in a year and half?"

Revan's eyes sparkled. "The one with the thorough humiliation."

Atton covered his eyes with his hand. "Dammit, Rev, you could've said something earlier… or were you just waiting to see how low I would sink?" he snapped.

Revan smiled weakly. "No, not at all. I… well, I felt a bit bad for you, and… Jaq, you can't give up. We'll find her. The Force…"

"Don't." He held his other hand out categorically. "Don't tell me about the will of the Force. You can't possibly expect me to just sit here and hope we'll run into Jena accidentally, just because you tell me the Force will lead me to her." Atton peered up above his hand. "I've gone this long without your pity, Revan, and I think I can continue on without it," he murmured harshly. "I don't need you feeling bad for me." His eyes dropped back down behind his hand.

"It's not what I meant…" she protested gently. "I… well, I thought what you were doing was sweet."

"Sweet? You thought that something I—Atton Rand—did was… sweet?" There was a distinct note of skepticism in Atton's voice. He peered through his fingers at Revan, who was nodding.

"Yes, Jaq," she muttered. "Hard to believe, I know."

Atton snorted as his hand dropped down. He tried to repress a smirk. "Yeah… who knew, huh? Old Jaq Rand falling in love with a Jedi and being sweet. Well, I call it being crazy, but you seem to think it's sweet. All I know is I would've gotten my ass kicked for this, back in the day… likely by you!"

Revan smiled demurely. "I wouldn't have kicked your ass, Jaq. I told you, I thought…" She stopped, bit her lip and blinked. "Oh, who am I kidding? I probably would have kicked your ass anyway. Hell, I did, and for much less than that. I… I was pretty… unpleasant," she faltered.

"And this is different from now… how, exactly?" asked Atton.

"Gee, thanks," Revan replied sarcastically.

"Yeah, I always give compliments when they're due," he commented. She glared at him for a second and quickly looked away. He frowned when he realized that she looked slightly hurt. Atton felt a pang of guilt. "Hey, Rev, look…" he said uncomfortably. "I didn't mean it like that. You know me… I'm a pain in the ass, especially when I'm grouchy."

"You're telling me," Revan mumbled sullenly.

Atton grinned impishly. "Hey, you got me to apologize once—"

"No, I didn't."

Atton's grin vanished. "What are you talking about? I did apologize!"

Revan crossed her arms and looked defiantly at Atton. "No you didn't. You said something about you being a pain in the ass, which—while it is true—is not an apology."

You've got to be kidding me. He threw his hands up. "Fine! I'm sorry. Is that better, your Lordship?" he said unpleasantly.

"Much." Revan was smirking.

Atton's eyes studied Revan for a few seconds. "That was just you getting me back for being a pain in the ass, wasn't it?" he observed.

Revan's smirk turned into a grin. "Pretty much, yeah."

Atton leaned his head back on the headrest. "Women." He shook his head. "Anyway, now that I've apologized again," He spoke emphatically and Revan giggled. "…I was just about to say that you should be happy with the apology you got, because ten years ago, you certainly wouldn't have even gotten that much. Unless, of course, I was trying to get you in the sack," he stated lightly, thoughtlessly gathering up his cards and pocketing them.

Revan coughed loudly. "Excuse me?"

Atton shrugged. "Hey, I never said I used to be the most ethical guy in the galaxy," he said lazily. "But yeah, if Jena and Carth weren't in the picture, and I was still the same guy I was, I bet we'd have already slept together."

Color ran up to Revan's face and she looked uncomfortable. "You're rather… confident about your charm."

"Hey, I just tell it like it is," Atton said casually. "Or rather, like it was. I'm a completely different guy now, plus I've got Jena." He got up and leaned his back against the pilot's seat. "No more of that stuff."

"So it seems," Revan commented cautiously.

"So how did it happen for you?" Atton asked abruptly.

"How did… what happen for me?" she echoed slowly.

"The whole… personality change thing… Love… Carth… I'm not asking you to tell me your cute little story of how you met on the Endar Spire and how he couldn't trust you as far as he could throw you and that you called him a shaved Wookiee or something. I've already heard that one." He sighed. "Many times. Carth is a bit of a… sappy drunk. I was just wondering how you fell for him. I'm just asking because, frankly, the Revan I knew just wasn't like that."

Revan nervously twirled a strand of black hair poking from her ponytail between her fingers. "What do you mean?"

"What do I mean?" Atton repeated incredulously. "Do you not remember the fact that you were Dark Lord of the Sith? Do I really need to remind you more than I already do?"

Revan curled her lip. "Oh yes, could you please do?" she replied with dripping sarcasm, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, you're no better. The Jaq I knew…" She laughed derisively. "…Certainly wasn't like that either. At least my memory got wiped out. What's your excuse?"

"Jena's my excuse." He blushed and wrinkled his robe with his hand. "I know it sounds stupid, but the second I met her, I wanted to redeem myself for everything I had done for… well, for you. All I could think about was saving her… As well as doing many unspeakable acts to her, of course."

"Of course." Revan's eye danced. "So Jena's to blame for all this, then?"

Atton shrugged. "I suppose. I don't know, she just sucked me in… I couldn't not think about her. Believe me, I've tried." He chuckled. "But it's not like I could get away from her, being stuck on the ship."

"So… then how did it happen?"

"How did what happen?" asked Atton.

"Love… Jena…" mocked Revan.

"Didn't she tell you this already?"

Revan shook her head. "Not really. So how did you guys hook up?"

Atton glanced strangely at Revan. "Why do you care? What are we, buddies all of a sudden?"

Revan shrugged. "Curious. Comparing notes." She looked around. "Why, do you have something better to do?"

Atton rolled his eyes and sighed. "Guess not. All right. How did we…" He frowned. "How did we hook up? I don't know, it just sort of happened. I mean, one minute we were arguing, then the next I was kissing her right over…" He pointed with his chin. "…There. But then T3 walked in on us and she bolted. Then a little while later, again in the cockpit, I hugged her, and she once again inexplicably ran away. Then she kissed my cheek before she left for the Ravager… again, leaving me behind… Then we hooked up on Malachor V in the portside dorm and I fell asleep, and she… well… took off…"

"Nice pattern."

"You're telling me," Atton said bitterly. "I don't know why I wasn't put off by the fact she kept taking off on me. Not to say I didn't mind… I did mind, but apparently not enough to give up on her. I couldn't."

Revan looked thoughtful. "Did you ever stop to think that you might not have felt the same way about her if it wasn't for her affinity for bonds? I mean it could have all been an illusion…"

Atton shook his head firmly. "I thought about it… but I don't believe it. If that was the case, I don't think I would have been obsessing over her so much when she wasn't around… Or now, for that matter. Besides, there was more to it than just putting my life on the line for her. I just wanted to be with her." A foolish, sentimental grin appeared on his face. "She made me laugh… and I made her laugh. And she was so beautiful… and just so damn hot!" His sentimental grin turned lustful. "I swear, I don't think there was ever a time when I didn't just want to rip that Jedi robe right off her."

Revan burst out laughing. "You're right, it does sound like it's more than the bond thing… I know men get drawn in by her charisma, but I've never heard of any one of her troops having it this bad for her."

Atton stared at Revan for a moment. "Men get drawn in, do they?" he asked jealously.

"Please tell me you're joking. You're not seriously going to tell me you're jealous about this. And you're not honestly going to tell me you never noticed her having that effect on other men you know!" She scoffed, and her face grew serious. "Jaq, about Mical…"

He shook his head. "I don't really want to talk about that. I was just grouchy, okay? I let my emotions get the better of me. I don't usually do that… well, not that much. I think we were just feeding off each other's frustration. We've been cooped up in here way too long. What's it been now, a month? Two? Three?"

Revan smiled sheepishly. "I'm not sure… I always lose track of time when I'm space traveling."

"Yeah, me too," he said, amazed that someone else could understand how he felt.

"Anyway, about Mical…" Revan insisted. Atton sighed irritably. "If it makes you feel any better, you held out for a lot longer than I thought you would."

Atton looked puzzled. "You mean… you were expecting me to snap?"

"Yeah… I was testing your threshold. You did surprisingly well. Considering the shape you were in, I was almost expecting you to slay Mical the second he walked in through the door." She wrinkled her nose. "Mical, however…"

"Didn't do so well, did he?" Atton remarked sarcastically.

Her nose still scrunched up, Revan muttered, "I don't get it. He's always so… calm."

Atton shrugged. "It's always the quiet ones?" He exhaled. "Look. Don't blame Mical. I egged him on, and he… What?" Revan was giving him a half-confused, half-frightened look.

"Nothing, it's just… I'm starting to wonder if I stepped into a different dimension, where Jaq apologizes and then sticks up for an angry Mical."

"Funny. Hey, I've been known to apologize before…" Revan shot him a skeptical look. Atton laughed. "Okay, so I only ever apologized to Jena before. But even so… Listen, just… forget about today. Yes, I generally hold grudges, but I'm willing to just let it slide this time. I don't know. Blame the booze."

"Jaq, you're not drunk anymore."

"And that's a good reason not to blame the booze? I always blame the alcohol regardless. Look, can we talk about something else? Please?"

Revan tilted her head and smirked. "Fine. Then tell me why you said Jena's name."

"When?"

"In the cargo hold. When you were fighting Mical and you just… stopped." Looking away, Atton nervously pulled his pazaak deck out. Revan reached over and gently rested her hand on his arm. "Tell me, Jaq," she whispered imploringly.

He shook his head. "It was nothing," he replied gruffly. "Just… thought I saw something. In my head. Maybe even felt something. I don't know… I was sparring and this image just flashed in my mind and I thought… But that couldn't be, right?" Revan gazed into Atton's desperate hazel eyes. "Right?" he repeated feebly.

"I don't know, Jaq," she murmured. "I'm not sure I know what you're… Wait, you said maybe you saw something?" Her eyes opened wide. "What did you see?"

"I don't know… it was really quick. A flash. Jena… and some creatures." He suddenly became aware that Revan's hand was still on his arm. He squirmed uncomfortably.

"Creatures? What creatures?" Revan asked eagerly. She grabbed hold of his other arm. No, don't grab the other one… let GO! This is getting weird.

"I don't know… creatures… more like shadows. I didn't have a chance to really see them… There was a pack of them, almost like kath hounds. There was this other creature behind her… One that was shorter than her… and you know how short she is. Like maybe a Jawa or an Ewok or something. That's all I remember, I swear."

Atton did get his wish as far as Revan letting go of his arms went. He however became far more disconcerted when she flung her arms around his neck instead and kissed his cheek. His awkwardness reached new levels when he saw Carth venture into the cockpit. "Rev?" Atton asked with a strangled voice in a subtle attempt to direct her attention toward the door and to get her to let go. Okay, this certainly doesn't look good… He glanced over to Carth, who had stopped and was looking upon the scene with a raised eyebrow and a confused look on his face. Nope. Doesn't look good at ALL. He cleared his throat in an attempt to get Revan's attention, and lifted his hand to his neck to pry her hands loose. It didn't work. He looked down at Revan, who was smiling blissfully and who still hadn't let go of him. "Rev? Anytime you want to let go now…" She suddenly looked up, as though she had only just realized he was there. She giggled nervously.

"Sorry, Jaq… It's just that when you said…" She caught a shadow in her peripheral vision just as she noticed that something was amiss in Atton's face. She turned around as Atton spoke up.

"Carth!" he said loudly. "I'm… uh… glad you're here." He simpered. "I think your woman's crazy."

"Oh, I figured that out years ago," Carth told Atton while looking at Revan.

Recovering her wits, Revan ran over to Carth and took his hands in hers. "Carth, Jaq had a vision of Jena."

"That's great," Carth told Revan while looking at Atton.

"Rev was… happy, I guess," Atton explained dully. "Don't know why, I haven't got a clue where Jena is."

Revan looked eagerly up to Carth. "Dustil doesn't need to go to Coruscant right away, does he? I mean we can change our course, can't we?"

Carth kissed Revan's forehead. "Of course, beautiful. To be quite honest, I don't think Dustil's in any rush to get there."

"Yeah, I guess not," Atton scoffed. He watched Carth wordlessly turn and exit the cockpit, after glancing strangely one last time at him. What the hell's he looking at me for? "Hey Rev… Um… You do realize I don't actually know where Jena is, right?"

"I know. I just figured we'd go to Ilum and see if we can find out anything about where she went from there." She started walking toward the galaxy map, but Atton grabbed her by the arm and narrowed his eyes.

"Hold on there, sister. There's something you're not telling me. Why didn't you just suggest that earlier? You were all gung ho about dropping off Dustil before we started looking for Jena, and all of a sudden, it doesn't matter anymore?" He crossed his arms. "What are you hiding from me, Rev?" he demanded.

Revan's smile faded quickly. She shot him a disgusted look. "You and Carth are just the same. Always with the 'I don't trust you' and the 'What are you hiding?'" she said coldly.

Atton snorted. "I can't believe you just compared me to Carth. And yes, I do think there's something you're not telling me."

Revan brusquely pulled her arm away from Atton's hand. "Oh you do, do you?" Blood rushed up to her face. "Fine! You want to know something I'm not telling you? I'm not telling you that I think you are the cockiest schutta in the galaxy, and that I don't know what Jena could've possibly been thinking to sleep with you in the first place, because you, 'Atton' Rand, are the most arrogant, irritating fool I have ever met. And that includes Malak and all the Sith. How's that for something I'm not telling you?"

Atton smirked. "Whoa! Where is all that coming from, your Lordship? All I did was ask a question! You're very moody, you know that?" He laughed derisively. "And by the way, that doesn't count, because that's not exactly something you hid from me..."

"And another thing," Revan pursued, ignoring him completely. "I honestly don't know what I could've possibly been thinking when—What the hell is that?" They suddenly dropped out of hyperspace and her eyes darted from Atton to the control panel. He quickly turned to see what had caught her attention. A few lights were flashing. "Jaq, what did you do?"

Atton, reflecting that he'd never seen that many red lights on in the cockpit, raised his hands in protest. "Hey, I wasn't even looking at the panel. Don't blame me!" He peered down. "There's definitely something wrong."

"Is there, now?" she asked sarcastically, gesticulating heavily. "I could've told you that! What the hell kind of a pilot are you if you don't even know—"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I know what's wrong!" Atton snarled. Turning his attention to the panel, he pushed a few buttons and frowned.

"Well?" Revan asked impatiently.

"Well, now's when it pays off to have our own tech on board. We need to do an emergency landing, stat. Where's the closest planet?"

"What's wr—"

"Just go to the damn galaxy map, Revan!" Atton shouted, as he sat down and grabbed the controls and flicked the switch to the emergency power supply.

Revan ran to the map and peered at it curiously for a moment. "This isn't right," she said.

"What's not right?" Atton demanded as he started veering the ship toward a nearby planet, without waiting for Revan to direct him.

"This map. Our current course isn't set for Coruscant. It's set for… Kessel." She turned and looked angrily at Atton. "Jaq, did you do this?" she demanded.

"Kess… What? Why would—you know what, we can worry about that later. I have to land this thing so we can find out exactly what the problem is with it." He shook his head. "Dammit!" he exclaimed, slamming his fists down on the controls.

"Yes, I'm sure that will help, Jaq," Revan said sarcastically.

Atton cracked his knuckles. "I could do without your snarky comments, Rev," he commented.

"You might want to remember that and apply that to you next time you open your mouth, Jaq."

Atton exploded. "For Force's sake, Revan, I'm flying this stupid ship of yours, and I'm trying to land it without too much of a mess, so would you mind shutting up for—" A loud noise, accompanied by a sudden shift in the ship's position interrupted him. "Now what?" he snarled. He peeked over to the control panel. "Oh great. Just great."

"What?"

The ship started rattling and Atton had to increase the volume of his voice to be heard. "Well, the good news is we've entered the planet's atmosphere."

"Do I want to hear the bad news?"

"One of the engines stopped working."

Author's Notes: Glad to know so many people enjoyed my last chapter. I find the love/hate relationship everyone seems to have with Mical rather amusing. Get ready to hate him more. ;)

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