Of Orc Decay and a Vase
Summary: When Thranduil's 6-year-old son keeps dragging dead orcs into the palace, things can get very chaotic and messy. Especially during a royal council... Or during a feast.
Disclaimer: It would be bliss to own all these wonderful LOTR characters. But they all belong to Tolkien. That is, except for all the servants (Valleron, Cael, Dregoer and Ueston) and other unrecognizable characters, which are creations of my friend Yaviel and me.
(It is a warm, bright morning in Mirkwood, and Thranduil is having an important royal council with all the other elves. Young Legolas is kept busy with his new bow while his father deals with more important matters.)
(The door opens, and Legolas peers out of the door. When no one seems to be paying attention, he drags in a very bad-smelling, bloody orc in through the door by its foot.)
Legolas: (innocently) Ada! Look what I did! (Drags in the rest of the dead body, which seems to be pierced by many arrows)
Elves: (silently look at each other, then at Thranduil)
Thranduil: (sighs exasperatedly) Legolas, how many times must I tell you…no dead orcs inside the house!
Legolas: (head bowed, drags orc back out the door)
(A few minutes later the door opens once again)
Legolas: (kicks the orc body in the rest of the way when it gets stuck)
Thranduil: Legolas! What did I just get through telling you!
Legolas: Not to bring dead orcs inside the house
Thranduil: Then why did you bring it back inside!
Legolas: But he's still alive.
Thranduil: ………………Legolas!
Legolas: (looks at his feet sadly)
Thranduil: (expression softens) Well, all right. Just please…put the orcs somewhere else when you kill them. And not in the doorway. Do you understand me?
Legolas: (nods)
Thranduil: Good. Now run along and play.
(Later on)
Legolas: (looks at the new pile of orcs he has killed) Ada said not to put them in the doorway…but where can I put them? (When everyone starts staring at the heap of orcs in the yard, Legolas knows he might get in trouble, so he decides to hide them. But the bodies are too heavy to carry, so he decides to try a different method…)
Thranduil: Legolas!
Legolas: (cutting up the orcs and putting the pieces in a basket) Coming, Ada! (Carries the basket with an effort, empties it in the toilet, and then flushes it) That takes care of that. (Notices the 2 baskets left, and groans) How will I get rid of these!
Thranduil: Legolas, get over here!
Legolas: Coming! (Grabs one basket with both hands, and takes it upstairs. Finally he looks frantically around for a place to put it. Thranduil comes up the stairs)
Legolas: (runs into his father's room and stuffs the bits of rotting orc in his sock and underwear drawer, then runs out of the room, only to bump into his father.)
Legolas: ………uh-oh.
Thranduil: (crosses his arms) Legolas. What are you covered in?
Legolas: Nothing.
Thranduil: Tell me what you were doing.
Legolas: I was putting the orcs in a different place, like you told me to.
Thranduil: And where is that?
Legolas: Well, one is…in your drawer.
Thranduil: You put that thing in my drawer! (Opens drawer to reveal a myriad of orc hands and fingers and toes stuffed in the drawers, soiling his clean socks)
Legolas: (sheepishly) Umm…that's not the only place they are.
Thranduil: You put MORE around here!
Legolas: Yes. But I forgot where they were.
Thranduil: Oh, for the love of Valar! Come on, you're going to clean up all the rest of this. But first, take a bath.
Legolas: (walks out)
Valleron: (is holding a bath towel wandering about, peering into corners and behind curtains) My Prince! My…erm…lord prince! (Looks under the couch, exasperated) LEGOLAS! Get over here RIGHT NOW!
(Silence)
Valleron: (mutters) The king is going to have my head for this… (Leaves the room to search elsewhere. As he does, Cael enters the room.)
Cael: (noticing the grim look on his face) Bad day?
Valleron: I've seen better. Why am I always the one to give the Prince a bath? He always seems to avoid it, and this is the second time this week he has run off.
Cael: Yes…wouldn't want to be you. Bye!
Valleron: Hey, why don't YOU help me out with this?
Cael: Can't. I am on my break. (Trying to hide his grin, he haughtily walks off)
Valleron: (grumbles to himself and continues to look for Legolas)
Legolas: (tiptoes into the courtyard) (notices huge basket of dead orc pieces he had stashed there) Uh-oh…. When Ada finds this… (Grabs basket and runs off)
(Later)
(Before long the whole hall is filled with music and merry conversations. Hoping that the crowd will hide him from his father, Legolas sneaks past everyone. But soon he hears Thranduil's voice from a few feet away, talking with two of the guests)
Thranduil: (to the guests) …right this way.
Legolas: (looks left and right, flees in the opposite direction, and begins stuffing the orcs pieces in any place he can find them. Finally, he puts the empty basket under the dinner table, and walks hastily away)
Thranduil: (thinking, relieved) Well, tonight is going fairly smooth. No signs of chaos yet. (Walks over to the dinner table, and suddenly freezes)
Arphenion: Is something wrong, my lord?
Thranduil: (quickly snatches the candle holder from the table) No, nothing at all. Everything is fine.
(Arphenion shrugs and goes back to talking with his friends. Thranduil slowly turns his back to the table and yanks the bloody finger out of the candleholder in disgust.)
Thranduil: (unenthusiastically) So…who wants dinner?
Rilian: AI! What is THAT! (Points to the tongues and the other varieties of intestines on the table, some off them stuffed messily under the plates.)
(All the elves and guests look on and notice it too.)
Thranduil: (stands there aghast. All the conversations fade into stunned silence.)
(Cael, who had just dropped by to get something quick to eat, looks around in surprise. Valleron, having given up looking for Legolas long ago, walks in also.)
Cael: (taps Thranduil on the shoulder)
Thranduil: (jumps and whirls around.)
Valleron: (looking anxious nods upward. There, on top of the chandelier, two orc legs can be seen hanging off of it.)
(The other elves follow the king's gaze. Finally, the silence grows unbearable.)
Thranduil: (clears throat, and leaves for a moment. Returns with a broom, and hands it to Cael. Then the Mirkwood King slowly leaves, and his footsteps can be heard echoing throughout the hall. )
After a few more awkward moments…
Cael: (hands the broom to Valleron, wearing a look that reads, "Have fun, and see ya." and walks away)
Valleron: (gives Cael a death glare and resists the urge to smack him in the back of the head with the broom.)
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TBC… :-)