Sorry, people – it's introspection (ok, more like angsting) again. I hope you will like it nonetheless - also because I needed it as "introduction" for the next chapter.

XIII: HOWLING HOUND DOG

Renji POV

Two months, two week and four days ago

I'm screwed.

Completely screwed.

I might as well run myself through with Zabimaru – it would probably be less painful.

This is not happening!

It's impossible, it's wrong, it's foolish, it's…it's…

It's unchangeable.

What am I going to do, now?

True, I won't have Hitsugaya breathing down on my neck anymore – but…

Curse Aizen, his stupid minions and of course, my bad luck!

I mean, if there had to be a Shinigami seriously wounded and forced to stay behind as the others – save one Kuchiki Rukia – went back home happily, it just had to be me, right?

Great. Just great.

Now I'm stuck here – with her.

The Evil Midget, the pipsqueak from Hell, the miniature Sergeant, the…the…

The girl I can't get out of my head.

Damn it.

How did this happen?

How could she get under my skin in such a short amount of time?

I mean, she's only a human.

Humans are weak, foolish, annoying…

But Tatsuki isn't weak – definitely not.

Foolish – well, Tatsuki is clever, but sometimes…sometimes she acts so recklessly!

I'm really glad Hitsugaya is not here – he'd say something along the lines of "the pot calling the kettle black" or "you're just afraid she'll steal your position as Irresponsible-in-Chief."

Annoying – that she is.

However… I like to have her around.

I never thought that a human – and a girl too – would ever stand up to me.

But Tatsuki's not afraid to speak her mind or talk back.

I have grown quite fond of our verbal sparring – whatever their results might be.

I guess it was the fire of her that captivated me. I have yet to find a spirit that matches.

Rukia has that fire, but it's – colder. More controlled.

When Tatsuki and I fight and yell at each other, there's no control at all. We forget everything around us – our friends, classmates, even teachers.

And the fire blazes in her eyes.

Recently, fighting with her has become – awkward. Unwanted thoughts started creeping in my mind at the most inappropriate times.

Could that fire grow any hotter?

Could I make her scream in a whole different way?

Will we ever be able to talk to each other without yelling our head off?

Wishful thinking… I can't get close to her.

I'm a Shinigami. Tatsuki's human.

These things just don't go together. It would never work.

I know, I know… there's Ichigo and Rukia. They are trying – pushing their luck.

I wish I was like them, sometimes. I wish I could find the guts to walk out there and try.

But… it's different. I am different.

An illicit affair between a Shinigami and a human – it has never happened before, at least as far as I know. So technically it isn't a crime.

Still – it would never work.

I must not think of ways to make it work.

Tatsuki deserves better than me. I could never give her what she needs.

Tatsuki is alive, I am dead – I have been dead for a long, long time.

These things just don't go together.

I stare at the ceiling of the small room in the back of his shop Urahara kindly lent me – trying not to picture her face in my mind.

It's just a crush. If I ignore it, if I keep our relationship the way it has always been , it will go away.

It has worked before. I hope it will work again.

Tatsuki is alive, I am dead.

These things don't go together – so it's useless to dream about it.

In the end, I'll never change.

I am still the same howling dog, striving for what he can't have.

I'm just a puppy barking at a dragon, foolishly trying to attract its attention even though it will never spare him a single glance.

Forget about her, Renji. She's out of your reach.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

We all thought that Tatsuki's name had something to do with the moon, didn't we?

-sigh- We messed it up. A bit.

According to a website reachable from the Bleach page at it means "honorable dragon" – or something like that, with tatsu dragon and ki honor.

Either way, I had to fix one of the final sentences at the very last moment. It originally read "This time I reached for the moon" – which is usually connected to Kuchiki-taichou, so maybe it wasn't so bad.

Well, enough babbling and until the next Sunday!

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