Disclaimer: I don't own any LOTR Characters, or the cologne mentioned.
By the way, yes, I know it's been about two years, but so much happened between now and then… So here's my update, if you still want to read it!To: smelly-manly-ranger
From: elven-rider-chic
Poochie darling, I'm riding out to find you right now! I think you accidentally grabbed my hair gel, even though I've told you countless times that it makes your hair look greasy. They've shut down the Lorien Inc. online store, so I need all the supplies I can get.
Besides, Glorifindel has been teasing me horribly all week, saying my hair is frizzing. Frizzing! Always swishing his hair in my face, talking about the correct way to care for hair, and being a downright prat. And I refuse to put up with it any longer! I know for a fact that he has to bleach his hair regularly. Don't worry darling, you don't have to understand; it's an elf thing.
Arwen
To: witch-king
From: wraith-thingy-number7
Boss, erm, sorry, but me and number 2 are lost. We must've grabbed the wrong roadmap because we're currently on a beach. Number 2 tried to ask the locals for directions to the Shire, but they ran away screaming before we could even threaten them properly. I told you these outfits were crappily made.
But might I suggest that you look at the Gap of Rohan's fall line; those people actually know how to accessorize properly. And for every 2 outfits you buy, you get 1 free!
Please do consider,
Number 7
To: sexy-eyebrowed-elf
From: grumpy-grey-geezer
For the sake of Elbereth, when are you going to change your silly e-mail address? Stop trying to pretend you're 2,576 and act more your age. Anyway, Gwaihir is dropping me off around 3:00 in the morning from the roof of Saruman's tower. The git took my pipe and the last packet of Old Toby. Call a council immediately, because this means war! It's for the survival of Middle-Earth! The greater good! The expulsion of evil! And,well, I just want an excuse to kick his butt and get revenge.
Gandalf
P.S. I EXPECT DINNER! (Saruman is such a poor cook)
To: smelly-manly-ranger
From: amazon-confirmation-staff
Hello Aragorn!
Here is a confirmation e-mail of your order:
5 bars mango-scented soap
1 washcloth
1 bottle shampoo
1 bottle mango body spray
1 stick deodorant
1 bottle Ralph Lauren Romance
Your order will be shipped tonight by express mail. Thank you for shopping at Amazon!
To: wraith-thingy-number7
From: wraith-thingy-number5
Oooh, you are in so much trouble! The witch-king was so pissed off that you guys didn't show when we cornered the half-lings. He's already kicked Number 8, 4, and 9 in the you-know-where because they were too busy squabbling over those tomatoes the hobbits left behind in the frying pan when they were supposed to be helping the witch-king.
Number 5
P.S. This is from the Witch-King: Mapquest it you dolts!
To: grumpy-grey-geezer
From: big-blue-eyes
I hate you Gandalf. I'll never go on a trip with you again. I got stabbed in the arm and now I'm becoming undead. Just thought I'd let you in on the last of my sane thoughts before I joined the other side.
Frodo