To: grumpy-grey-geezer
From: sexy-eyebrowed-elf
Come on, Gandalf! You're just over-reacting. Imladris is miles away from Orthanc and Mordor, so we have nothing to worry about at the moment. Besides, we all have more important things to think about, such as my wardrobe for the undying lands!
By the way, I'm getting my eyebrows waxed tomorrow, so keep a lookout for Aragorn for me. I've banned him from Rivendell because he keeps making moves on Arwen.
Elrond
To: big-blue-eyes
From: garden-grower
Merry and Pippin are being so mean to me ever since that she-elf nabbed you away. They keep stealing my frying pans and playing keep-away with them, even though Pippin accidentally hit himself in the forehead with one of them. The idiot. And Strider isn't helping at all! Ever since the elf showed up he's been muttering angrily about amazon shipping and smelling his underarms. Whatever that's supposed to mean.
But when she came, she started speaking to him in elvish, but began choking on Strider's scent as he drew nearer. Then she said something about her father before grabbing you and taking off.
Poor Strider; not the chic magnet he thought he was.
Sam
To: nancing-archer-boy, gondor-needs-no-king, smelly-manly-ranger, big-blue-eyes, axes-r-cool
From: grumpy-grey-geezer
Party at Elrond's, next Tuesday at Noon!
B.Y.O.B.
Gandalf
PS: Don't mention this to Elrond
To: smelly-manly-ranger
From: nancing-elf-boy
Aragorn, my man! Please tell me you're going to Gandalf's party on Tuesday. If you don't go, I don't think I'll be able to stand it because he's invited Boromir. You remember him: the biggest whiner Gondor ever produced. He's always pouting about something, the big baby. Oh well, I guess I shouldn't have expected anything more from his kind.
Legolas
To: baddest-dude-in-arda
From: high-witch-king
Hey Sauron,
I'd greatly appreciate it if you send us a handful of orcs to bring us back to Mordor. We are currently floating down the Anduin, with Number 2 and Number 7 trying to convince me that we'd make an awesome synchronized swimming team. Number 7 is particularly enjoying the idea of designing our swimsuits himself.
Promise me you'll hurt him when we get back to Barad-dur.
Witch-King of Angmar
To: smelly-manly-ranger
From:grumpy-grey-geezer
Strider, stay out of Elrond's sight for a few days. He's pretty grumpy because I pulled him out of his eyebrow waxing appointment to go heal Frodo. And uh… Well, he's missing half of his right eyebrow. Now he's storming around Rivendell because he's had to pencil the missing part in. I've tried talking to him about the ring to get his mind off his looks, but all he'd do is glower and tell me his people are leaving, so it's none of the elves' concern anyway. I wanted to hit him with my staff, but restrained myself.
Gandalf
PS: Arwen is looking forward to your return, I think. She's been preparing your room personally, filling it with potpourri and perfuming the bed sheets.