It was dark and Hogan sat in the back of the staff car as it rolled through the main gates of Stalag 13. The car has been sent to the hospital to drive "Klink" back to camp. It rolled to a stop in front of Klink's quarters and Sergeant Schultz hurried to open the door.
"Welcome home, Kommandant," Schultz said, giving a salute as Hogan climbed out of the car.
"Yeah, yeah," Hogan said, waving his hand as he strode up the steps to the Kommandant's quarters. He still couldn't understand why everyone thought he was Wilhelm Klink or why he saw Klink in the mirror, but he had resigned himself to carrying out the charade … whatever it might be. "I don't wish to be disturbed until morning, Schultz," he said as he closed the door behind him.
When he was inside, he went immediately towards the liquor bottles. "If I am going to have to play Klink, I might as well get something out of it," he muttered as he poured a glass of schnapps and downed it in one swallow. He grabbed the bottle and retreated to the settee … intent on emptying the entire bottle.
- - - - -
Hogan walked slowly into the Kommandant's outer office the next morning, wishing he hadn't managed to empty the entire schnapps bottle. His head felt heavy and his mood was even heavier. Luckily, Burkhalter had remained in camp and handled the morning roll call.
Fräulein Helga did not look up as he entered, but said, "Good morning, Kommandant." Hogan mumbled a greeting and retreated to the Kommandant's office and sat behind the desk. Almost immediately, there was a knock at the door. "Now what," he muttered, looking at the mess on the desk.
The door opened and Helga stuck her head in. "Oh, I forgot to mention that General Burkhalter wanted me to tell you that he expects those reports finished by tomorrow," she said.
"Reports?" Hogan asked.
"The reports you were working on before your accident," she replied. "He said now that you're back, you don't have an excuse to ignore them."
"Wonderful," Hogan muttered as the door closed. He began to read some of the papers from the many piles. "Requisition vouchers, finance reports, accounting sheets … lovely. I've become a paper pusher."
Without enthusiasm, he dove into the paperwork, intent on finishing whatever it was he was supposed to do and get it out of the way. Hell, if they don't like what I give them, they can do it themselves!
Hogan spent several hours poring over the numbers. He was surprised to find that Berlin wanted every little paperclip accounted for. No wonder Klink was always in a foul mood.
Hogan had been toiling on the paperwork for a couple hours when the office door opened.
"Herr Kommandant, Colonel Hogan wants to see you," Helga said.
Hogan frowned. I'm Colonel Hogan, dammit! "I'm much too busy," he replied. "Send him away!"
At that moment, Klink barged through the door, brushing past Helga – a little too closely, Hogan thought – and she closed the door behind him after giving him a small wink. Helga winking at Klink? What is going on here?
"Good morning, Kommandant!" Klink said brightly.
"What's good about it," Hogan replied. "Wait a minute … did you just call me Kommandant?"
Klink looked confused. "Of course," Klink replied. "I've called you some other things, but never when you were around to hear them."
Hogan blinked in surprise. That sounded just like something he would have said. "So you think I am the Kommandant, too?" Hogan asked.
Klink laughed. "Sometimes," he replied. "Sometimes I think you're just a big pain in the …" He stopped. "Oh, sorry. That's one of the things I say when you aren't around to hear." Klink smiled.
"And who do you think you are?" Hogan asked warily, actually afraid of the answer he knew he would get.
"Me?" Klink replied. "Aw, come on, Kommandant. You know who I am."
"Humor me," Hogan said.
"It's me, Colonel Hogan," Klink said. "Your favorite American prisoner of war."
Hogan winced. There – he said it … and exactly like I would have said it to Klink. This has got to be some kind of nightmare. He sighed. "What do you want, Kl … Hogan," he said tiredly.
"Well sir, I was wondering if the men could have an extra sheet of writing paper each week," Klink said.
"Denied," Hogan replied. Something began gnawing at the back of his brain.
"And we were wondering if we could have an extra hour of light this week," Klink said.
"Why just this week?" Hogan asked. There's something familiar about this whole conversation.
"Since you just returned from the hospital, we thought we would make you a 'welcome home' present," Klink said with a smile. "We were thinking about a model of a Sherman tank."
"Denied," Hogan replied. Didn't I have this same conversation with Klink the other day?
"Well how about an extra slice of white bread per week?" Klink asked.
"Request denied!" Hogan said. "diiiiiiiiiis-missssssed!"
"That's not fair, Kommandant!" Klink exclaimed. "Why can't we have just one of the things I requested?"
"Those things cost money, Kl … Hogan," Hogan replied. Damn, I did have this exact same conversation … only I was on the other side of the table! "And money doesn't grow on trees."
"You're running this war on a budget?" Klink asked incredulously. "I can't believe this!"
Hogan stood abruptly. "Hogan, you have no concept of what it takes to run this prison camp!" Hogan shouted.
"Oh I don't know, I've been doing a good job so far," Klink quipped.
Oh my God – is this what it feels like every time I come into this office? "OUT!" Hogan screamed. He clinched his fist and waved it in the air. "Hmmph!" he grunted. Oh no, I'm starting to ACT like Klink now!
After Klink left the office, Hogan dropped into his chair. This has got to be a bad dream. Any minute now, LeBeau will be waking me up and telling me it's time for breakfast. He looked around the office. Somehow I'm getting the feeling that it will be Schultz bringing me lunch. He sighed and began to get back to the paperwork.
He hadn't worked for more than a minute when the phone rang. He picked it up. "Yes, what is it?" he asked crossly.
"Is that the way you answer the phone, Klink?" came the voice from the other end.
Hogan recognized the voice on the phone. "Major Hochstetter," he said. "It's always a pleasure to be interrupted by you."
"Bah! It's never a pleasure when I have to talk to you, Klink," Hochstetter barked.
"You can say that again," Hogan agreed.
"What?" Hochstetter asked.
"Nothing, Major," Hogan replied. "What do you want this time?"
"I heard about your near miss with the explosion of the Adolf Hitler Bridge the other night," Hochstetter said. "Most unfortunate."
"Unfortunate that it was a near miss, or unfortunate that it happened at all?" Hogan asked sarcastically.
The line was quiet for a moment. "Ah, yes," Hochstetter said. "Anyway, I called because I need more of your guards to help with the cleanup."
"What?" Hogan cried. "Why should I supply any men to help with the cleanup of the bridge?"
"Because you were responsible," Hochstetter replied.
A chill ran down Hogan's spine. I was responsible … of course I was responsible. But you can't know that! "You can't prove that," Hogan said quickly. "Just because I was in the hospital because I was near the bridge when it blew up …"
"Klink, I was talking about you being responsible for the guards that were on duty that night," Hochstetter said suspiciously. "What are you talking about?"
Hogan stopped. Of course, I forgot that he thinks I am Klink. "Was I talking about something?" Hogan asked. "I don't think I was talking about anything. If I was talking about anything …"
"KLINK! SHUT UP AND LISTEN!" Hochstetter screamed.
"Yes sir, shut up and listen," Hogan said.
"I want ten more men this afternoon, or you'll find yourself on the first train to Stalingrad," Hochstetter said with a restrained fury.
"I'd like to see you try," Hogan muttered.
"What?" Hochstetter said in surprise.
Hogan clamped his mouth shut. Damn, I said that out loud. I'd better not do that. Hochstetter really can do something to me now. What am I saying – I am still Colonel Hogan – no matter what everyone else thinks!
"Klink, are you still there?" Hochstetter asked.
"Yes, Major," Hogan said. "Ten guards this afternoon. You'll have them."
"I know," Hochstetter said curtly. Hogan heard the line click dead as Hochstetter hung up.
"Schwein," Hogan mumbled. He slammed down the phone and looked at the papers on the desk. I wish I would wake up from this nightmare soon.