A/N: Short, for which I apologize. The next chapter is a short one, too. Sara angst. w00t. Usual disclaimer; song is My Immortal by Evanescence. This chapter and the next are pretty much rambles, but they do give an in-depth look into what Sara is thinking. Read on, faithful ones!

Chapter 47- My Immortal

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears"

Sara looked up from her desk. The lab was quiet tonight, just as it had been every night since he had gone. She had come back to work exactly one week after the funeral. Everyone had said it was too soon, that she should take more time off. Grissom had taken her aside and told her that he would personally sign for her leave if she wished it. She didn't. She needed to be there just to try and bring some sanity to the insane world. Greg would've wanted her to carry on.

"If you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Cuz your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone"

She got up and walked to the DNA lab, looking in. The temporary lab tech was busy doing something with the microscope, but Sara knew he'd never be half the lab rat that Greg was. She swallowed hard, feeling the tears come as they did every time she thought about Greg. She felt sometimes like she could never cry again, that all her tears had finally run out. She was always wrong.

It was as if he was still here. His CDs were still stacked haphazardly on one corner of the table in the lab. His stuff was still in his locker. No one had had the heart to go in there and clean it out yet. She certainly hadn't. Nick couldn't even walk by the lab without tearing up. He was having a hard time, a really hard time, and she didn't even know how to help him, because she couldn't even help herself.

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"

She remembered that day she came in and found Warrick drinking the Blue Hawaiian that Greg had left. She had slapped him across the face so hard that he had had a bruise for the next couple of days. Then she had dissolced into tears and just gone home without even clocking out.

"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand for all of these years
And you still have all of me"

The end, when it finally came, was actually easier than watching Greg suffer. To have to see the man she loved going through so much pain had killed her inside. A small part of her was glad that he had died, just to end his suffering. He had been so peaceful when he died. He died the way he wanted to, with the people he loved nearby. It was just that when he had died, part of her had died with him.

"You used to captivate me in my own resonating light
Now I'm bound by the light you left behind"

God, he had made this place so alive. With Greg around, she could finally see some light in the world. Even during the hardest cases, amidst the rapes and the murders and the senseless killing that left her feeling like she was drowning, he was there, that one ray of light breaking through. But when he died, that light went out.

"Your face, it haunts my once present dreams
Your voice could chase away all the sanity in me"

He had been the only one who could make her forget that life was cruel, that life was a bitch. Which was ironic, considering life had been cruelest to him. Even though life had dealt him a crippling hand, he had always managed to find a smile and a laugh in everything, always managed to find the good in every person he had come across, always managed to find the humor in a world that was so serious.

She missed his voice, she missed his laugh…she missed him.

"These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"

Give it time. That's what everyone told her. Just give it time, and it'll get better. It'll get easier.

Didn't they see? Didn't they get it? She didn't want time. Every second that slid by was another second that she had to live without him. Time couldn't make it better…time only made it worse. Every second that ticked by, every little mark the red second hand on the clock slid over was one more second closer to forgetting his smell or his laugh or his smile, or the way he held her or the way he kissed her. Time was her prison where she was locked without him.

"When you cried I wiped away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears"

After the kidnapping, after the rape, after his cancer had been diagnosed, he was still left with his nightmares…they had been one of the worst parts. Afterwards, she would try to comfort him as best she could, just holding him as his fragile body shook with sobs. It always broke her heart to see him like that, to see the man she thought was so invincible be so lost.

"I held your hand through all these years
And you still have all of me"

She would never remarry. She had made that decision a long time ago. No matter what, she had promised to be Greg's forever, and nothing would change that. The moment she had said her "I Do" at the altar, holding his hand, she had sealed her fate forever with his.

"I try so hard to tell myself that you're gone"

She had tried. Tried to go through the day telling herself that he was gone…that he was never coming back…that he wouldn't be there in the morning when she woke up or holding her at night as she drifted to sleep…but sometimes, it was easier to live the lie that he wasn't really gone forever, that one day she would see him again.

"But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along"

She was alone. God, so alone. Even surrounded by people in a giant crowd, she was alone. All because he had gone, and he had taken her heart with him, to the one place she couldn't follow…or could she?

"When you cried I wiped away all of your tears
When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
And you still have all of me"

Sometimes, she wanted to give up, to let go. She had thought about it, actually. Because life just wasn't worth living without him.