Careless of Consequence
But I've been waiting all of my life/and I've been spending all of my time/for that moment I lost in your eyes/because in that moment it all feels alright
Disclaimer: I am in no way affiliated with Drake and Josh, Nickelodeon and all other registered trademarks affiliated with Drake and Josh/Nickelodeon. Song used in this fiction is written and recorded by What Tomorrow Held.
Warning: This story contains homosexuality if you do not like that sort of thing please do not read this story, I do not want flames because I warned you that it would contain that subject matter. Once again if you do not like homosexuality then please DO NOT READ THIS!
A/N: Okay sorry that I'm not working on the other two stories I have up, I'm currently waiting for the inspiration to strike and now that I'm done with the Untitled story I figured I'd write a new one that's been mulling around my mind for a while. I also wanted to try my hand at a slashy fic, if it doesn't work out sorry in advance. I also felt that this song was perfect for this fic, actually the whole CD by What Tomorrow Held would be perfect but this song is really perfect for it. Oh and Bold song, regular present, italics past, hope that isn't too confusing
-Mo
Careless of Consequence
You said we've changed but what are we
Now we said everything
The things they didn't matter much
How perfect life could be
Whether he was crushed
But I've been waiting all of my life
And I've been spending all of my time
For that moment I lost in your eyes
Because in that moment it all feels alright
He had no idea what he was thinking as he ran through the pouring rain towards the blue house with the dark shutters. The rain whipped at his face and soaked his clothes but he didn't care, all he wanted was to apologize for what he had done this time.
He couldn't make out anything in the blur of raindrops that hit his face and he couldn't feel anything but the cold that seeped through his tuxedo jacket.
He didn't have to go far to see the dark haired boy sitting in the rain the corsage that had been pinned to his jacket, sat wilted in his hands.
He had expected this from the start, but he didn't expect that he'd react this way to himself. He hadn't expected his life to come crashing down this fast. He was living in Southern California and he didn't think that being gay would be as big of a problem as it was. At least the boy sitting on the step in front of him knew what it was like to feel this hurt, this lonely, and this ashamed of himself.
He stood there rain soaked and cold not wanting anything but the warmth of his past, the instant gratification of knowing that he was wanted. But what he didn't know is that he was wanted, wanted by the boy sitting in front of him who loved him more than anyone had ever loved him before.
He looked up with his blue-green eyes and dropped the corsage that had been in his hands, his face that had been so full of innocence was now full of something that resembled anger. His normally messy hair was falling over his eyes and made him look more vulnerable than he had that day in study hall.
He looked at the boy standing in front of him his eyes saying the words he didn't need to. The words that he should have said instead of the words that escaped his mouth what seemed like hours ago. He never lied to anyone about their relationship, he wasn't scared of the taunts or the reactions of others, but he'd been more comfortable with the fact that he was homosexual; the boy standing there had never really been comfortable with it.
He stood up and walked over to him standing there his brown eyes speaking thousands of words a minute while he stood there in the rain, his earth shattered. They were the same height and he stood there watching as the rain ran down the brown-eyed boy's face hiding the tears that were falling.
"Kyle…" he finally managed to whisper as he lowered his head. "Sorry."
He raised his head when he felt the hand on his shoulder finding the blue-green eyes staring into his own. He knew his apology wasn't accepted when he didn't feel the warmth of his embrace or the feeling of his lips against his own.
I think we've changed and who are we
To say that things aren't what they've been
The things they say can't matter much
I'll never live that life
I'll never be that crushed
We promised to stay the same
I'm good with promises
It's all my fault this time
I'll never stop letting me down
"Are you sure that you're okay with this?" He asked as they sat there on the red couch, Josh at work for another few hours, his face full of desire and a deep understanding because he knew how awkward it was for the other boy. "Because if you don't want to I understand." His blue-green eyes ready to forgive while eluding what they really wanted, him.
"Well if we don't then I'll never know for real." The brown-eyed boy said softly as his face flushed a little as he felt the boy next to him adjust his body on the couch. He kept telling himself that this didn't have to mean anything if he didn't want it to.
"I know it's awkward…"The boy next to him trailed. "But Drake trust me, you'll know for sure in an instant, you can't hide chemistry." He said trying to ease the boy's anxiety.
"I know…"
"So just let me kiss you then."
The memories of that moment flooded back as he stood there watching the one person that ever told him it was okay to be different, that it was okay to feel something more than lust for another person.
They sat there on that couch their shirts thrown on the floor in the fury of the make out session that had occurred before hand.
"Kyle…I'm…" Drake began.
"I don't need you to do that Drake. Love doesn't have to be physical, just being with you is enough." Kyle said softly as he turned to look at the boy next to him who was having trouble accepting himself for who he was.
"Kyle…people are talking about me, about us, rumors that are truth are spreading like wildfire." He confessed as he let a few tears roll down his face.
"Who cares what people say? It can't matter much if you honestly feel the same way I feel about you." The boy said his voice rising a little louder than he had intended it.
"I can't help but care what people say or care about what they think of me."
"So you'd rather hide this relationship than be honest about it?"
"I don't know."
"Don't play that game with me Drake. I was there once; I was in denial about my sexuality. Now, now, I'm proud to be gay and I want to help you get to that point. The point where I can come over and hold your hand in front of your family and not have to count the minutes until your brother comes home." He yelled as tears fell down his face. "I want to love you." He said softer as he grabbed the boy's hand.
Drake turned and looked into those haunting green eyes and in that moment felt what he knew he'd spent his whole life trying to find and knew he'd spend all his time from here on out.
--
"Drake, they know now, there's no going back to our lie." Kyle said softly. "We can't just pretend that what happened back there didn't, they all saw and who cares what they saw."
Drake just smiled because it was the truth and he didn't want to hide it any longer. He wanted everyone else to see that he was capable of more emotion than he was given credit for. That he was capable of something more than lust, of something more than his seven sins.
But I've been waiting all of my life
And I've been spending all of my time
For that moment I lost in your eyes
Because in that moment it all feels alright
It all feels all right
They sat there on the couch, waiting with game sphere controllers in hand, for Josh to come home from Mindy's.
"I hate this Drake. Why can't you just tell him?" Kyle asked suddenly making Drake jump.
"I'm scared about what he'll think." Drake said recalling how scared Josh had felt about telling him that he and Mindy were dating, knowing that this situation was more or less the same.
"Are we going to prom together? Can we make that our big coming out event?" Kyle questioned his 'secret' boyfriend. "I'm honestly tired of you pretending to date girls, I want you for myself Drake, however selfish it seems. I want to be able to dance with the person I love at my senior prom. I don't what to have to leave a date that I don't have feelings for and sneak out to make out with you." Kyle said a tone of desire mixed with resentment in his voice.
"I'm going with Gretchen. She asked yesterday." Drake said softly knowing Kyle would be disappointed.
"Drake we've been together for almost 9 months now and from what you've told me and what others have told me about you that it is serious. Drake you can't keep this undercover forever. The year is over. It's time to let go of your ego. You let it down for me."
"I'm sorry I can't just come out like I've known I was gay my whole life. I'm sorry that you have no inhibitions and can just announce to the entire world that you're gay and that I can't." Drake said as he heard the doorknob turn meaning that Josh was home.
"Tell him now or I'll tell him as I leave you." Kyle said giving Drake the hardest ultimatum, that he had ever received, but weren't ultimatums always hard?
Josh walked into the room.
"Kyle seems like you're always over here must be on a role with those songs." Josh laughed. Kyle nodded as he gave Drake the most chilling gaze he'd ever given him. It was as though he'd poured all the lust, love, anger, hurt, and innocence into that one gaze. It had been Drake's idea to tell his brother that Kyle was his new guitarist for his band. It'd worked this far…but now for the truth.
"Josh can we talk for a minute?" Drake gulped as Kyle stood up making it look like he was going to leave, but instead he walked over next to Drake and secretly placed his hand on his back.
"Sure Drake, anytime." Josh said as he sat down at the computer.
"You know how you didn't want to tell me about your relationship with Mindy because you were scared of what I would think…" Drake began sending a fearful gaze at Kyle who'd sat on the arm of the couch.
"Yeah, Drake where's this going?" Josh asked as he started to answer an e-mail, though he knew where it was going. He'd known for awhile that Drake was 'seeing' Kyle. He'd seen them steal a kiss or two when they thought that no one was looking. Actually it was Mindy who'd seen it first, that night they'd come home early and passed Kyle's house and saw Drake's car parked outside, the two of them making out in the front seat of Drake's car.
"Josh, this is hard for me to tell you…" Drake trailed.
"I already know." Josh stated as he looked at his brother. "I know about you and Kyle. Mindy and I saw you two in your car outside his house a while ago. And just so you know I don't hate you or think any less of you." Josh reassured his brother when he saw the flash of anger, or was it hatred, in his eyes.
I always said your eyes could see straight through me
Can they see this feeling that I get
Finding it so easily remembered
For you it's so easy to forget
If I ever knew that, I'd be back there
Now I know not to play the game
Now I know that I never would let you go
And always keep and image of your face
"Don't you two look so handsome!" Audrey said elated as she took the pictures of Drake and Josh in their tuxedos ready to go to their Senior Prom. "And Mindy, Gretchen, you two look just so gorgeous." She added as she took another few pictures of her boy's and their dates.
The rest of the crew that they were sharing a limo with which included Kyle his date Roxanne, along with a few others that were acquaintances with either both Drake and Josh. Drake and Kyle sat next to each other and no one though anything of it. Of course, Josh, Mindy, and Roxanne were aware of their relationship. Roxanne had known Kyle for most of their childhood and she'd come from San Francisco just so he could go to prom and not have to worry about hurting his date.
The two sat next to each other while casually finding any reason to touch the other. Brushing hands every now and then, slapping the other on the back when they thought something was funny, high fives here and there.
They sat next to each other at dinner too, brushing hands against legs secretly under the table. Drake also making sure to hold Gretchen's hand every now and then, even dancing with her for the first few slow songs, hiding his real feelings for Kyle.
He told her that he needed some fresh air, telling her that he'd be back. She didn't care she wanted to hang out with her friends and brag to them that she was the lucky girl to be Drake Parkers girl of the month and accordingly his date to the prom.
He found Kyle standing outside in the courtyard talking with Roxanne who Drake knew, knew the whole story of their relationship.
"I'll leave you two alone." She smiled. "It's been nice to meet you Drake; Kyle's told me so much about you." She added as she walked past.
"So where's the hiding spot?" Kyle asked with an annoyed tone in his voice, not even making eye contact with the boy standing in front of him.
"No one's in the bathroom…" Drake started. "We could always find a closet."
"Yeah because we're always in the closet aren't we Drake?" Kyle said more accusingly then questioningly. Drake said nothing. "I guess the bathroom's a little bit better than a closet but I don't see why we can't just be together out here, in the open." Kyle spat. "But I'll do what you want because you know that I'll always do what you want." He said standing up, waking towards the door. "I'll be in the last stall. I expect you to be there in five or so minutes." He whispered as he gave Drake a cool stare and walked inside, taking a left towards the bathrooms.
Drake stood there in the courtyard and ran his hand through his hair. He knew Kyle deserved more than he gave him. It was his fault that Kyle was upset about their relationship. He understood where the other boy came from but how could he tell Kyle that they could never let their secret out. That if they did his dreams of being a famous musician would shatter. They could be together as long as they were in their band, they would always be together, they just couldn't let their secret out.
Drake walked into the boy's bathroom five minutes later, Brian from his English class was in there, the only other person. Drake faked using the urinal, waiting for Brian to leave. When Brian finally left Drake knocked on the last stall, pushing it open to find Kyle sitting on the toilet.
"Are we alone?"
"Yeah no one else is here."
"Then can you tell me why you're still afraid to tell everyone about us?" He asked standing up wrapping his arms around the other boy.
"Are you sure no one can see us?" Drake questioned as he heard the door to the bathroom open, followed by the sounds of a person relieving himself.
"Yes I'm sure." Kyle whispered. "I'll give you credit for the one fact that hiding like this, running the risk of getting caught, is a turn on." Kyle smiled as he kissed Drake softly. "But tell me why can't we come out now, tonight and share our first dance together." Kyle asked coming back to the question he so badly needed the answer to.
"Because to be honest it'd ruin any chance we had at a career. We're both attractive guys that women flock over. If we came out now we'd lose almost all our fans. I promise after we've made it big then we can come out." Drake explained as he watched the hope drain from the eyes of the boy in front of him.
Drake attempted to fix anything, resolve any fears that Kyle had, with the only thing that he knew how to fix it with, a kiss.
He relaxed now, it wasn't one of the tense kisses he was sure Kyle was used to by now. He let his lips part as the other boy ran his hand through his hair. Neither knowing that they were moving closer to the door of the confining stall, which had it's blessings in more ways than one, because it was the kind that was more like a closet with walls that touched the ground, almost sound proof.
It was then at that moment that the boy washing his hands, looked in the mirror and saw the four legs in the stall furthest away. The boy who'd expose their secret, once and for all.
Why do we throw our lives away?
Breaking friendships losing what you had
And why to we expose our hearts
Because broken souls tear them apart
Because we can
"I swear Mr. Gage that there are two boys having sex in the bathroom." George Camino stated frantically as he led the aging science teacher towards the boys room followed by a group of curious students to find out who the two lovebirds could be. "Now I know that all the other heterosexual couples here will be outraged because they're not allowed to have sex at school functions, I don't think that any homosexual couple should be allowed that privilege." George added as Mr. Gage stopped in the hallway when he was finally aware of the group of kids behind him.
"Now kids we don't know for sure that there is anyone having sexual intercourse here." Mr. Gage told the crowd. "So if you would please leave and let me deal with the young men in here alone."
"No we want them caught and punished." Lorrie Hartung a very outspoken junior yelled as she pushed past and opened the bathroom door.
Drake and Kyle weren't making any noise so neither cared that Kyle hands were down Drakes pants and that their tongues were consequently in each other's mouths. Drake's hands laced through Kyle's hair.
They didn't hear the click of the lock when Lorrie Hartung slid her school ID through, nor did they notice when she pushed open the door. It was after that split second of shock that went through her body when she realized who it was in that last stall, when she let out the words that made everyone in that bathroom gasp; "OH MY GOD, it's Drake Parker and Kyle Warwick!" as she backed up into the crowd her hand over her mouth in shock.
They could no longer hide it, their lie was open to the air, oxidizing as they stood there like two deer caught in the headlights of a car, knowing that the headlights, whispers of the onlookers, were going to be their eventual death. They both prayed that death would come quickly.
In a serious of misinterpreted brain waves, Drake panicked and shoved Kyle into the bathroom wall. Furiously zipping up his pants as he yelled the words, he wished he could take back.
"What the hell is your problem you faggot?" Drake yelled as he watched the hurt wash over Kyle's face. "God I thought this was supposed to be a drug deal, not some love fest. God what's your problem. I've told you before I'm not gay!" Drake yelled once again as he pushed his way out of the bathroom.
Kyle knew that Drake didn't mean those things, he was trying to save his image.
"Everyone there's nothing to see here." Mr. Gage yelled as the shocked onlookers dispersed.
"Kyle do you have drugs on you?" Mr. Gage asked the boy who stood there and shook his head. "Be honest son its better if you're honest."
"If you want honesty talk to Drake. He's the one who just lied to you." Kyle said as he pushed his way past the teacher and ran home as fast as he could as the sky opened up, rain falling like the tears that fell from his eyes.
Hold me now
Hold me now
Breaking lines with you has never been so easy
And our words or thoughts have never been this sad
Is it worth it now the silence for you funny?
Broken hearts can always result
When we're waiting always waiting
"Can we go back there and fix it now? There's an hour left." Kyle said softly as he knew the answer before Drake even said it.
"I think we both know what we need to do." Drake smiled as he grabbed Kyle's hand as they walked in the tapering drizzle back to the school.
They walked in hand in hand ignoring the gazes and the whispers of 'They really were in the bathroom together.' and 'Drake Parker and Kyle Warwick gay? What wastes of good-looking men.
Drake let go of Kyle's hand when they entered the dance floor. He walked straight up to the stage, grabbing the microphone out of the DJ's hand, the music that was playing stopping with the scratching of the stereo.
"I'm almost pretty sure that everyone in this room has heard some form of what happened a little over a half hour ago." Drake started as he watched Kyle push his way to the front of the crowd, people staring and talking. "But let me give you fact from fiction." He said a smile crossing his lips. "Fact number one: Yes we were making out in that bathroom stall. Fact number two: Yes, we are gay. Fact number three: I'm in love with this boy. Fact number four: I no longer care that I love him. Fact number five: We live in Southern California in the year 2007 and homosexuality is not a big deal and you are allowed to go to prom with a partner of the same sex." Drake declared as he stood there. "And I plan to dance with my boyfriend for the last dance." He added as he got down as the DJ started the music.
"Have I ever told you that you are the best?" Kyle asked as he placed his arms around Drake in the ballroom dance fashion, one arm around his waist, one on his shoulder, the whole arms around the neck thing was totally junior high.
"Do I need to be told that I'm the best?" Drake laughed as he looked into Kyle's eyes.
"Never." Kyle laughed as he looked back into Drake's and the two knew that it was the moment they lost in each other's eyes that it all felt all right.
I've been waiting all of my life
And I've been spending all of my time
For that moment I lost in your eyes
Because in that moment it all feels alright